


Old Ghosts

by Kcnvrmnd



Series: kacieverse [1]
Category: Chris Brown (Musician), Chris Brown - Fandom, Michael B Jordan (Actor), Michael B Jordan - Fandom
Genre: F/M, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Multi, OT3: my boys, This will be long, kacieverse, this is angsty, what the f is fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2019-10-10 20:55:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 214,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17433380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kcnvrmnd/pseuds/Kcnvrmnd
Summary: Sometimes, you find yourself haunted by the old ghosts of the past. Once you start finding yourself being pulled back, you have to figure out, is it worth it in the end?[THIS IS UNEDITED, and I'll edit it when it is complete. Please, excuse my errors!]





	1. one for me

**Author's Note:**

> this will be an epic. originally building off of events spanning from a (currently abandoned) verse on tumblr, started back in '11 on wordpress. it's been a long journey and two au's from the same characters. however! i'm going to finish this. thanks for reading.

OLD GHOSTS |

intro | One For Me

_ Girl, you opened up my eyes, to the other side of love..  _

_ I’ve been waiting all my life, seems I can’t get enough,  _

_ and girl you’re so fly, could she be the one for me… _

**“I haven’t heard this song in forever,”** My hips swayed to the familiar beat as I settled against the faux grass wall at The Parlor, my favorite spot to hang out in LA. 

There was a lot of stuff to keep me busy on Melrose, but The Parlor was a familiar haunt for me since it had opened, and it only kept getting better and better. Today, they were throwing a special day party for black creatives to just network, celebrate their successes, and share good or bad news, which I was very glad to be in the middle of.

God, just to see where I was right now, I couldn’t do anything  _ but  _ smile. Being here was just another little confirmation that I had to use my gifts for the sake of not only my sanity, but so they wouldn’t go to waste either. I witnessed so many people that I’d grown up with doing what they needed to be done to get through life with the gifts they were blessed with, and I understood the need to bask in the moment. 

Fuck. Talk about a throwback. 

Lloyd’s voice did it’s job transporting me back to 2006, like a lot of the music playing today had done. As I drifted off into space, getting caught up in my memories, I was somewhere else instantly. It was September, and I was seventeen again and dumb as hell. I was back in Virginia Beach, wrapped up with a boy who would drive from New York to Virginia without stopping, with no luggage and no plans, and in the middle of chaos in his life just to break from it and spend time with me. 

He always said I was the one for him, and I believed it more than anything else I’d known to be a true, proven fact. This was our song. One of them, anyway, and damn if it didn’t get my mind going to places it hadn’t ventured in a while. I wasn’t trying to get caught up in the past, but shit, I couldn’t help it. 

The relationship I had found myself tangled up in back then would be so much different if I was still in it today, and not a day goes by when someone finds a way to remind me of that. Calling it an eventful part of my teenage years is an understatement. That shit was monumental. It seeped into my twenties. It changed me as a person, not only just me, but it changed my fuckin’ life, honestly, and I don’t regret a second of it. Despite not being with the former love of my life anymore, he still managed to change my life like no other man I’d ever been involved with. 

Back then, my desire to get what I wanted was always motivating me to go for broke in order to get it. I was going to bend over backwards, crawl on my hands, and show the fuck out to make sure I was getting what I wanted, but at the same time, I had to fight to keep what I didn’t want to lose, and that was my biggest hangup. It was one helluva multitasking event. 

And in the end, I lost it anyway. It took me a while before I realized that you couldn’t always have what you wanted, no matter how bad you really wanted it. Sometimes, you had to wait until the timing was right, and you were really ready to handle it. Back then, despite finding love, losing it, and regaining it, I wasn’t ready. We weren’t ready. It was definitely a lesson learned.

Fast forward to more than ten years later, and things are different. There are people, situations and little things that used to matter, that just don’t anymore. I have somebody who loves me and looks to me with all of the compassion and admiration that I’ve ever wanted, so dwelling on the past doesn’t do anything for me anymore. I’m happy without having to balance on a tightrope to make the situation safe, if only for a moment. 

I’m honestly and truly in a good place, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

There’s no point in dwelling on what I used to have. The longer I think about it, and the situation consumes me with a different understanding and perspective than I used to have, I know now that it’s really not all that other people believe that it is. Perception is a motherfucker.

It’s funny how a fucking Lloyd song is putting me through the motions. But, despite the personal ties to this song and the moments surrounding it, this was my shit. StreetLove was such a solid ass, play through album with no skips. I still remembered every word to this song, and every song on the album as I did the various emotions it was tied to. 

I was just trying to chill, really. Right now wasn’t a good time to be spacing out, thinking about how shit  _ used to be.  _ But, seeing as how I was back in LA, and the circumstances were always going to pull me back to my wild teenage years and early twenties, I had a lot more to focus on these days. 

I probably looked crazy as hell right now though.

I was in the middle of a day party, spacing out like I would as if I was at home or something.It was common for me to do so, but I wasn’t trying to draw that attention to myself. I had to pull it together. I had a drink in my hand, my back against the wall where I’d made myself comfortable, and I was in my own little world, away from the people who had congregated into crowds. 

I was just trying to play it safe, really. Lord knows it wouldn’t be long before my social batteries would be drained so to speak, and I’d be ready to get out of here. 

**“So, you’re spacing out on me?”** To my left, my eyebrow went up at the sound of my best friend slash little sister’s voice, and I clucked my tongue at her.

**“Shit, between you and everyone else, I thought I was rolling solo.”** Part of my closest group of friends, I knew Alex was only here because Mike dragged Chad into this, and it became some sort of huge  _ thing.  _

I also knew that having them here together was a limited time only kind of deal, but at the same time, so was my presence. Day parties were cool and all, don’t get me wrong, but it wasn’t going to take much for me to want to go somewhere else too, depending on what the crowd started to look like.

This was a good mix of who’s who in Black Hollywood, and who’s trying to be like everyone else in here, which was okay for now. I mean, a lot of young influencers and kids that had gone viral were using this platform as both a means to reconnect and link, something to put on their snapchats and IG stories, and surprisingly, a little bit of networking, so it wasn’t  _ bad. _

**“I wasn’t gonna leave you. At least, not without telling you.”** She admitted, and I chuckled. A least she was honest. I could always count on her for that.

**“That’s cool, I mean, you know me, I’m all in my head like always. I ain’t even notice your tall ass walk up on me. This Lloyd song got my mind going back to motherfuckin’ Kacestopher days and shit…”** I pressed my lips together, and she scoffed softly.

I shook my head solemnly. It had been a  _ long  _ ass time since that particular combined name had even slipped from my lips.

**“Girl,”** Alex shook her head, and so did I. 

I hated to think about my former love my life and the shenanigans he and his best friend, Alex’s ex-husband, Barry, used to get us into anyway. It never failed that when we were together, and somehow started thinking about or going back down the road of the journey that got us here today with the involvement of those too, somebody ended up being summoned. If it wasn’t some old friend that we all used to share, someone who knew someone, or something like that, I wouldn’t be surprised to spot Barry in the flesh, and never Chris in the physical sense anyway.

**“Lemme make sure we ain’t finna have to shake,”** Even though I’m shorter than Alex is by a least three heads, I still tried to use my heeled height to my advantage to look around. 

We both kind of looked around for a minute before looking back at each other, and shaking our heads again.

**“And what** **_you_ ** **been doing anyway? Everybody scattered like roaches when I left to sneak up on Issa. I came back to my favorite spot to get ran up on by people I ain’t come here with.”** I moved back to get a good look at her, and chuckled. If the smudged lipstick was any indicator, I knew that Chad was somewhere smiling from ear to ear.

**“Huh, lemme find out T’Challa been giving you** **_di strength of de black pantha._ ** **You got lipstick going up to your nose right about now.”** I revealed, as she immediately dug into her bag and cursed lowly.

**“Yeah, no wonder you left me. Is everybody leaving me by my lonesome to get some dick? Is that how I’ma spend my Thursday afternoon?”** I dramatically ramped up my inquiry, taking on a fake crying tone, and she hit me in the arm.

**“Shut** ** _up,”_** She cried, as I continued smirking and watching her reapply the smudged lipstick.

**“You know I can’t let us be together for too long without teasing the fuck out of you about something,”** I laughed as she shook her head at me.

We stood side by side for a while, talking about her Netflix deal and how if she wanted me to, I could easily write a role for her in my show, and any of the little secret projects I had been concocting for a while. Every time someone came up to us and started a conversation that just literally oozed with excitement and compliments, my lips turned up into a wide grin, which was more common than it used to be. 

This overall feeling of happiness was something I’d been going through a lot lately. I was in a good place, and it felt good to just be  _ here,  _ you know? I never would have thought that I would have taken myself from the dreams I had as a teen, to shaping them into a new reality, and I knew Alex understood that. 

**“These events fuck me up when I realize that I never thought for a second that this was going to be reality for me,”** I admitted to her as she nodded.

**“Like, you know and I know that I honestly would have been cool if he left me in New York to write for Vibe and work at VH1.”** I said, and her eyebrow went up.

**“Which him, though?”** She inquired and I bit my tongue.

**“You know which one.”**

It went without saying that it wasn’t Michael.

I never thought this would be life for me. For the longest, I was a future Entertainment Journalist with an ear for music, who wanted to do nothing more than work for Vibe Magazine, to thirteen years later, doing something totally different. I wasn’t seventeen with ambitions and a hustler’s mentality anymore. The mentality is still there, yeah, but the direction and motivation is different now. 

I’ll be thirty at the end of the year. I’ve graduated, twice, changed careers and attempted so many things because I wanted to that I know that I don't need to pile on anything else right now. On top of all that I've already managed to do, I can add actress, director, and producer to my list of talents and accomplishments to round out my twenties. I know that I belong here, just like everyone else does. We’ve made our dreams reality, and used all of our talents for good, and to change the world.

**“I’m proud of you either way, though.”** Alex said, and I smiled as I repeated the sentiment to her and hugged her tightly.

**“I’m proud of you too! Now, we gotta step our game up and do something** **_together._ ** **”** I insisted, and she nodded. I knew I’d figure something out, and it would be good.

For the longest, I was just a part of cultivating the journey that many of my friends were experiencing to now making it to a place I’d only recently arrived at myself. I always wanted to write, and I did on a personal level. Usually though, those documents back then were just strings of ideas, video treatments, and a manifesto of the way Chris made me feel.

Eventually, I got into writing dramatic scripts as I started working for VH1 and BET, and I could always be counted on for stellar music reviews, but that was just work. Writing a script for fun, or therapeutic release was different. After I wrote my first script, which was concocted in my longtime mentor Daz’s Brooklyn apartment after my 23rd birthday, it became a web series shortly after. It took up a lot of my time, but I put a lot of work into it, and it paid off. 

Now, five years later and with season one under my belt, and two on its way, I was holding my own in a new ring. My former script had evolved from a web-series into what was now known as  _ Used To It, _ which was a critically acclaimed award winning TV show on HBO, alongside Issa Rae’s  _ Insecure.  _

Issa, who I’d lost at the bar and opted to promise to sit down with sometime later, was near and dear to my heart when it came to this. She and I had met back when I had started my script in its infancy, and she was a supporting catalyst when it came for me be encouraged. I was going through the aftermath of a major breakup and period of adjustment, and I decided to write things out in order to cope with them, basing them on the real life shit I’d gone through. It was a therapeutic approach at keeping my sanity intact, and it actually paid off.

It shifted everything for me, really. I was nothing like the person I was ten years ago, to be honest. I’d accomplished a lot since that unexpected and  _ final  _ breakup of 2011. The crowd I’d grown close to understood that. I still had tons of musician friends, industry connects, and the black side of all things creative often collaborated and overlapped, and I needed that kind of support behind me. I could be uncertain at times. Despite the venture I’m on now, I’m also certain that it could, and most likely, will end up being something else in due time.

When I found a new interest, I put my all into it, even though I had no idea how I was going to achieve what I wanted to do. Sometimes, I still have no idea. I still have plenty of times when I fall into a depressed episode, and the  _ last  _ thing I’ll want to do was create. It’s good to have people around me who understand that, and can build from that. 

I just knew that above anything, I needed to do for  _ me.  _ I wasn’t built to stand in the shadow of the man next to me, and I never will. I’ve always had a story to tell, in one form or another. I’ve always had so many ideas, and so much personal inspiration to draw off of that I knew I had to find some sort of outlet to deal with all of the drama I’d found myself in.

Writing it out, making it four dimensional again, realistic, and something I could deal with and make an alternate reality just seemed to work for me. Making it make sense in an environment where I was the one to control the outcome of the situation made me happier than I thought it would once I got into it. 

This way, I was the one calling the shots. I was the one making the decisions. I was the one knowing exactly how things would end in the end, what casualties would occur on the way to the resolution, and how the aftermath would resolve itself before the next big thing blew in.

It had been a minute since I was able to just be  _ me  _ again, just Kacie, and not Giana Hunter, the twentysomething stuck in a crossroad between two men, her family dynamics, and her future. Even though  _ work mode _ was off, despite me having a growing amount of ideas in a Google Docs document on my iPhone, which hadn’t left my hand yet, I was just trying not to lose sight of where I was. 

Alex had disappeared, leaving me to fend for myself again. I smiled at the people who’d come up to me, throw my character’s catchphrase of, “ _ Okay, so what the fuck,”  _ at me as an opener, and then ask me about season two, and either seriously or jokingly attempt to convince me to write them into it. 

It was entertaining for the time that I was alone, seeing as how I’d also been abandoned almost an hour ago by my boyfriend. I was fine though. I managed, alone, and sometimes, not. 

Conversations were interesting and kept me engaged, and I passed the time by going into full panel mode. I listened while the group I found myself in resorted to discussing my show, and started making connections to the characters versus reality. It motivated me, got my brain working overtime, and my fingers working overtime as I tapped away at my phone, constantly writing notes to myself. I gave in to the inquiries and started giving a little teasers for what was to come, intervened in the middle of debates about character choices, answered questions, and listened to theories from people I’d actually known for years and even admired myself, which were actually pretty cool to hear.

The early 2000’s music kept on hitting, and when Frontin’ started playing, I was tipsy as hell, and hype about what was to come, and my ability to want to shrink in a crowd was no more. I was glued to the spot I’d been left in for some reason, but I wasn’t really up to working the courtyard or the patios. I was trying to find a balance. I was trying to keep my cool, so instead of approaching anyone, I was still letting people approach me instead. 

Still no sign of my best friend, or my babe, though. Once again, I called myself using the heels I wore to an advantage as I tried to spot him, or anyone familiar, for that matter, but to no avail. I didn’t see him anywhere. I was okay holding the wall, recreating the little choreography Pharrell managed to display on my own.

It was getting hot though, and as I considered going inside and seeing if my favorite booth was empty, I was redirected before I could turn around, feeling a cool, solid mass press against my back. I melted as I felt hands wrap around my waist, and a kiss on my cheek. It was too familiar, too comforting, and I knew it wasn’t a friend. I was surprised to see that after abandoning me so long ago, my lovely boyfriend had finally found his way back to where I was. 

I elbowed him in the solid mass of abs with an eyeroll.

**“Wakanda Forever!!”** Someone shouted, which was accompanied by shouts for Erik Killmonger’s innocence, and a bunch of random tribal noises and yells, which never failed to make me giggle. 

I got caught up in some trilling of my own, drawing attention to myself. I couldn’t help but join, ’cause the hype was  _ real,  _ and I knew he fucking  _ hated  _ it.

**“Can you stop?”** He frowned at me, and I shook my head.

**“This is my life now, I guess.”** He complained softly, and I had to laugh at the dude doing the Wakanda Salute in our direction.

**“Poor baby,”** I melted into his embrace as he exhaled and pulled me in closer to him. I was still giggling as he kissed my temple. 

**“Let me guess, they couldn’t keep their hands off of Killmonger in that bitch, huh?”** I joked, and he smiled at me. 

I knew how tiresome it had gotten. It had been only four months since the movie had been released though, so he had a while to stress about it. I found it funny that Chad had similar feelings about it, not always feeling like he had the spirit of the Black Panther motivating him. 

That salute was getting weaker and weaker, but, I understood.

**“This shit is so surreal. Like, it never gets old, but it forms a crowd and after a while, I feel kinda bad when I can’t interact with** **_everyone._ ** **”** He responded, sitting down a lowball glass of Hennessy. 

**“I’m also pretty sure there’s like six cougars who’ll probably come out here trying to follow me, just to see if they can try and get me to say** **_Hey Auntie.._ ** **or something crazy like that. I am** **_so_ ** **sorry it took so long,”** I was entertained by him, and all I could do was smile. 

I needed the redirection from being lost in my thoughts, and he was a welcomed distraction from whatever direction my thoughts were attempting to linger around. No matter how much of a front he put up about being tired or worn out, he still woke up every morning prepared to do it all over again. I’ve always been supportive of him, but this, seeing the support in action, always made me that much more happier for him.

**“My arms hurt. I know for a fact that if Chad hadn’t found his way to escape with Alex, his would be too. You’re gonna have to apply some icy hot to my arms, or something. That salute gon’ be the death of me…”** I was spacing out while I was listening to him, and he knew that.

All of the shit that I was thinking about in his absence had been replaced with thoughts of him. I bit my lip just looking at him, just thinkin’ about how fucking good he looked, even while he was mildly complaining. 

He looked damned good in red. He looked damned good in shorts. He looked damned good just because he looked  _ damned good,  _ and he knew this. I wasn’t even listening to what he was saying anymore. I kissed him softly on his lips to silence him, and he laughed into my mouth.

**“You are so fucking rude, shutting me up like I wasn’t complaining to you.”** He laughed, and I shook my head at him.

**“I’m not rude, I’m just doing that because I can. ’Cause I want to. And, you left me here for like, forty five minutes…. And, ’cause you look so fucking good in red.”** I’ve known this man since I was seventeen and there’s never a day in which I’m not turned on by him.

**“You tipsy Booda?”** His eyebrow went up, hitting me with my childhood nickname. I shook my head in the affirmative and pressed my hand against his chest.

**“Mmmmm, c’mere,”** He pulled me in closer to him, like I wasn’t already in front of him. 

He’s a whole two heads taller than I am, and he towered over me. I loved it. I couldn’t pull my head away from his chest as my hand dropped down to grip his side. I felt comfortable, secure, and most of all, safe as hell. I didn’t want to pull away, honestly. When we were close like this, I could barely come up for air.

**“What’re we doing when we go home?”** His fingers caressed my shoulders and all I could do was smile. 

We had to enjoy the time we had together, ‘cause it damned sure wasn’t promised. I grunted softly in protest as his fingers left my shoulders and gently caressed my hips, filling me with warmth. I looked up at him, focusing on the man in front of me who smiled at me like I was the sun. 

**“You tell me… you know I’m down for whatever, unless you’re just trying to get me home so we can watch Martin and eat nacho tots.”** I questioned his one of his favorite pastimes, and he shook his head.

**“We can do that too, later, but it wasn’t what I had in mind.”** He said as we started swaying against each other, and I inhaled his favorite scent, Jean Paul Gaultier cologne. 

Gotdamn, he smelled good. Always. It only made my knees weaker than they already were.

**“You’re up to something, huh?”**

I wasn’t going to fight him when it came to leaving, but he had told me that Ryan was supposed to make his way up here too, so I knew we’d stick around for a little while longer. Work mode was always  _ on  _ for him, even on what was supposed to be a vacation. I wanted to get out of here, though.

**“I have a couple of things in mind,”** His eyes drew down to the C cups I had precariously managed to sit up in my crop top, and soon after, his fingertips followed. 

**“So, whenever you’re ready, let me know.”** He continued, and I pulled apart only briefly to grab my long forgotten drink.

I swallowed back the drink I had resting in front of me in record time, unable to look away from him. I had to do something to combat the saliva pooling in my mouth as my mind went as far away from work related things and crowds as possible, and went left, very fast. I watched his eyes draw to my tongue as I licked my lips, and he looked at me with a slight shake of his head.

**“You want me alone, huh?”** I asked, still holding on to the side of his shirt. 

**“You already know.”**

**“Is this the Henny talking?”** I joked as he rested his hands lower, pulling me back into him by gripping my ass. His dick jumped against my stomach, and I bit down on my lip as I looked at him and fought the urge to grip it.

**“It’s not the Henny.”**

**“Wait, so Erik Killmonger will get to raw every hole again, is what you’re telling me?”**

**“Kacie,”** He groaned, and I pressed my lips together as I smiled at him, and refused to break eye contact.  **“I’m about to snatch you up out of here.”**

**“Ooh, why you being nasty in public? You do not want to go home with me that badly,”** I gasped softly, feeling my body react as well, which made him smirk. 

His smirk turned into a wide smile, showing off the top row of eight golds he put in. I gripped at the fabric of the tank top he wore on the other side now, and held him closer to me as he laughed against my neck.

**“Can you stop before I pull you into a bathroom? I fuckin’ swear you’re doing this on purpose because you know how much I love this shit…”**

**“You love this shit, and you want to show me how much you love it, don’t you?”** His lips pressed against my neck, and then, briefly pulled away from me. 

He knew what the fuck he was doing, and I knew that I was going to hear about it if he kept it up. I didn’t care though. We had been all over each other since the string of movie premieres ended and we could be together again, and with the way he looked right now, it wasn’t going to do anything but make me maul his ass right here, and he _ knew _ that. 

Whatever story that would come from this would be a helluva lot better as people started to notice, and who could blame me?

**“I do.”** I tilted my head as I looked up at him, unable to stop smiling. 

**“I’m honestly turned on just as much as you are right now. What’d you do to me?”**

**“It’s just how you make me act Kace, I don’t know…”** He admitted, eyes twinkling, making my insides curl up.

I really had to thank God for growth. I can’t believe that we’ve been friends for nearly twelve years now. Sometimes, I felt like this couldn’t have been the same person I met back in the Apple Store in SoHo. This couldn’t be the same dude that turned my senior year upside down, and drove his way back into my life as soon as he found an opening to do so. 

We’d both grown in many ways since then, and for that, I was thankful. I kept looking at him, knowing I was smiling back way too hard, and this was the kind of shit that people  _ loved  _ to document. I wasn’t as surprised as I thought I was as I glimpsed beyond his head for just a second and saw someone snapping us together, and neither of us made the move to pull apart.

**“I wish it could have always been like this. I’m really happy to just be able to leave out of here with you, instead of going home alone.”** He admitted, not elaborating, but I understood. 

**“You are sappy as hell right now, huh?”** I spoke through my laughter, feeling it bubble up from inside my stomach. 

My previous dip under while going down the road of nostalgia was no longer an issue now, and all I could do was smile. I understood how he felt. I really did. I felt good in his hold, with his arms wrapped around me, pulling  _ waaaaay back,  _ all the way back to it being the summer of ’09 again, and all we had was each other.

**“You have a huge role to play in that. Don’t even,”** He laughed as I tugged at the baby locs he still had in his head, and he bit down on his lip. I wanted to protest, but I pouted as his phone started buzzing in between us, and we separated again.

**“Ugh, come the fuck onnnnn. I bet it’s Ryan.”**

**“When you’re ready to go, don’t hesitate to come and get me. I gotta go answer this call,”** He motioned as he held up his phone, ringing with an incoming call from Ry, as I predicted.

And once again, here I was, alone.


	2. by surprise

By Surprise | 1

**“This fuckin’ sucks,”** I trilled my tongue in frustration as he walked away and headed back inside where he could hear. 

I was enjoying myself, despite his tempting offer to get out of here. They had great food, and our place wasn’t too far from here. After awhile though, all of these functions were the same. No matter what state, what coast, what time, they all kinda melded into the same situation, with different faces on occasion. 

In this crowd, faces were familiar, conversations were picked up from where they left off, limits were reminded of, and occasionally, someone would pop up who hadn’t been around before, and shake things up a little. We’d leave with new couples to double date with when we could, projects to check in on, and people to forge a real bond with, who understood all of the issues and hardships, not just the happy moments that came with fame. 

Work was never ending though, so I wasn’t going to be pouty that Ryan called. We’ll separate once this month ends, and I’m not really ready for that part. I just got him back, really. The Black Panther international promo run was far from over, so he’d have to knock that out by the time we were bound to separate, even if just for a few days. He’d just wrapped Fahrenheit 451 not too long ago, and the work kept on coming. Creed’s Sequel would have him in Philly while I was back home in New York, so we wouldn’t be  _ too far  _ from each other. 

Two hours apart ain’t too bad. I’ve been trapped waiting on the Subway longer than that. 

I was glad that his acting career had taken off. It had been bumpy when we’d first met, but now, he was in demand, and it felt good. Marvel money was damned good money, and he had an assortment of roles to fill for the next few years that will keep him busy. 

I was just happy that I was in a better place to support him, love him, help him achieve his goals, and sit back and smile when he did the same for me. When it came to being in a relationship with someone who had the world watching them, it was never easy. For me, this was my second time around, and I had a better hold on the situation.

I could handle myself better than I ever could eight years ago, when my life was totally different than it was now. I knew that just based on how life had been then versus now, I felt like I could handle anything that came at me.

For example, crowded places like this would usually bother the fuck out of me, but I felt comfortable. I felt at ease. I felt like nothing could ruin the progress I’d made to make it where I was right now.

With Michael gone though, I needed to find something to do to keep myself busy, knowing Ryan would talk his ear off until they found each other. I had come to the party with a group of six, and it had dwindled down to just the two of us after a while. Until he resurfaced with Ryan, I figured that it would leave me with enough time to eat, or maybe get another drink before he pulled me out of here.

Maybe... 

I knew it wasn’t going to take too long for me to find something to get into.

I was still internally debating it as my feet led me to a railing, and my eyes focused in on my surroundings. All of a sudden, the good vibes of the throwback music took a left turn as I heard the very familiar opening to  _ Run It,  _ and my stomach dropped.

No, it  _ plummeted _ , as it always did within the last couple of years when it came to Chris’ music. I felt eyes on me then, and I kind of laughed at the timing of the song, and the way everyone just  _ looked  _ at me. I don’t know why they anticipated something huge. Normally, no one would even bother, so it made me suck my teeth. Things were going to get awkward the longer people looked at me for some sort of reaction.

I  _ definitely  _ needed another drink.

I pushed away from the railing and walked back over towards the bar, in need of a double shot of Jose Cuervo and pineapple juice. I pressed my lips together as I leaned on one end, watching the bartender tend to multiple people, plus about four or five females on the other end who couldn’t decide on what they wanted, so I went back to my phone with no need to rush. 

I needed a distraction, badly. I was alone and everything had started to shift in on the sensation that everyone was looking at me for whatever reason, in an attempt to see  _ something  _ happen, and for the life of me, I had no idea why. 

Maybe it was all in my head. But, I haven’t had to deal with those kind of feelings in a while either. I didn’t want to have a small scaled panic attack about it, so, I knew it would be smart to just dull it out and drink. I ignored a feeling of someone watching me, but this wasn’t like the attention I’d gotten as the song came on. This feeling was different. It was something about this look that made me shiver and adjust my crop top, and feel the need to cover myself up, or disappear.

I leaned against the end of the bar instead, iPhone in my hand, resorting to Twitter. Twitter was alive with the same old fuckery, but this time, the hype for Black Panther was still flooding my timeline, with nothing less than praise. I retweeted a few things and interacted with two different Michael B Jordan stan accounts, and one of my own who’d been in my mentions for months.

Since news had gotten out that Michael and I had started dating again, people had gone so far as to pull back up stuff from my old Facebook page, tagging me in things from high school, flooding me with nostalgia. The way things are now, it’s just different. 

Not always in a good way, either. It’s  _ nothing  _ compared to 2006, when my summer nights would have me wrapped up in Chris’ arms and legs, and waking up to find myself in some shit again online. I started so many of my days, seeing myself on TMZ, and any and every damned Chris Brown forum or fansite, myspace fanpage, and hearing things about myself on the radio, and in long threads in the comments of gossip sites…

I don’t miss any of that, and these days, it’s the same shit, different toilet so to speak, but at least I know not to be bothered with it. A lot of those people who were in my age group then are older now, can word their opinions better, and there’s actually more support than there is some sixteen year old out there, mad that she ain’t me.

People are nosier than they used to be now at the same time though, so, even though there’s support, it’s not all good when we’re mentioned, and it doesn’t make anything better, really. With the way the world is set up and social media being at the forefront, you really gotta be careful.

Snapchat will get you caught up real quick. So will something as simple as an instagram comment, like, or unfollow. All it takes is 280 characters for someone to come at me and ask me things, which either result in friendship, a debate, or something bigger than that. 

I can’t deny the fact that I’ve gone head to head with people who thought they knew me better than I knew myself, a couple of times. I don’t play when it comes to me and Michael, and I don’t stand for people who like to throw old shit back in my face either. I’m not the same person I was the last time we had something going, and God, the internet  _ loves  _ to remind me of it. There’ve been others since my last attempt at a relationship with him, niggas that don’t even really matter now, and can’t measure up, because I know what I want.

I’m learning that more and more every day, that I’ve made the right choice with Michael.

I’ve endured so much both with and without him that reconnecting had no choice  _ but  _ to end up as a foundation for us to get back together. The time we’ve had apart hadn’t been for long, but, it’s been for good. In that time with us being apart, I’ve learned a lot about myself, and how the people that really are good for me really do show up and show out when I need them to. 

Mike's the definition of showing up and showing our, and since we’ve found ourselves to be in an inseparable position once more, we’re still learning new things about each other, despite knowing each other for almost twelve years now. I’m way more private than I was at seventeen, even with my own constantly rising stardom, and everyone wanting to dig into the things I was certain that I buried.

People are nosey as hell, especially now that I’m dating one of the industry’s most in demand men right now, and this ain’t just a fling, like I’ve also gotten caught up in twice before. I knew what I was signing myself up for once we put it out there. We went from friends who ended up both in Virginia, to fighting our feelings because I was in a complicated relationship from the time we’d met until I was 22 years old.

That period of my life changed  _ everything,  _ and he was definitely there for me. It developed our then friendship into us growing together closer, being young adults who were giving each other some time for wounds to heal on both of our ends, to eventually strengthening our friendship in ways that no one else ever could manage to do for me. 

After we had decided to get back together and be a couple, for real this time, it was a major step in our development. We made the decision without hesitating on how we really felt, or feeling some kind of way about how anyone else would feel about it. Still, we both knew that it was never going to be an easy feat. 

The last eight months had been filled with nothing but someone trying to analyze how we’d gotten to where we were, pitting him against Chris, who I don’t speak ill of, don’t mention, bring up, or linger too much on, because everyone else just  _ loves  _ to do that for me. I’ve spent the last eight months waking up to some random reminder of my past with Michael, someone with a story, and down the line, a couple of times, someone I’d end up blocking for the sake of my sanity and reason. 

None of this changes the fact that I love him, and I want him to hurry the fuck up, so I can go home and physically demonstrate just how much I love, adore, and still want him. I know that the longer I stay out here with him, the longer someone’s going to find a reason to talk about it, and unlike the past, now, I’m ready.

I forget where I am, that I’m spacing out, and not paying any attention to anything until my phone lights up with another tweet. I still feel like someone’s just watching the hesitancy make itself known on my face as I roll my eyes, going back to my mentions. 

Someone managed to tag me in a thread of super old posts back from my Vibe days. It happens at least twice a week, and today  _ is  _ Thursday. I retweeted a photo of seventeen year old me, Daz, and Yandy, ages before her Love and Hip Hop days. I remember that day vividly, but I swallow down the memory. Underneath that tweet is another, a photo of seventeen year old me and Chris, on the 106 set, and all I could do was press my lips together and like it, but forego retweeting it.

I sucked my teeth, wondering what Daz was doing and if she’d seen the thread too, since she’d been tagged in it as well. Before I could slide over to my call log though, I forgot I’d been standing at the bar for a reason. Social Media is a true addiction, not only a way to past the time, so who knows how long I’ve been waiting to be served. I looked up and saw the bartender smiling at me, and I smiled softly before I could apologize and place my order.

**“What can I get you?”**

**“She’ll have two shots of Jose Cuervo Gold and pineapple juice.”** A voice from the left spoke for me before I could fix my lips to do it for myself.

My eyes drew down in a combination of annoyance at the fact that someone had ordered for me, but once I tilted my head up, I couldn’t even argue about the accuracy of it all. I opened my mouth to protest, but closed it back once I realized who it was.

Fuck my life.

I felt like I’d just been kicked in the chest by Jet Li. I literally had to press my hand against my chest in surprise, despite how dramatic it might have looked. Chris was standing next to me like we had just seen each other minutes before, and not the literal years that had passed between us. 

He was just standing there like we’d been patiently waiting at the bar together, and it snatched me back to him being twenty one, _finally,_ and trying to ensure we’d both be legally drunk, especially since his birthday fell on Cinco De Mayo. I pressed my lips together and couldn’t look away from him. 

I wanted to speak, but it honestly felt like I’d been punched in the chest. The shock was real, and everything else hit me in waves, but I wasn’t overreacting, I was just silent. I was stunned. I was surprised. I was shocked. I was confused. 

What the fuck was he doing here?

**“You still drink that, right?”** Chris asked, with his eyebrow up. 

He was waiting patiently for a response, and my mouth felt dry as I opened it up to say something. Only he was capable of rendering me mute like this.

**“Huh. I remember when we first met, you did this same thing.”** He smiled at me, and I  _ did  _ remember that studio session, very well.

It took me a couple of seconds before I laughed softly and shook my head to confirm. He knew how habitual I was. Either that, or he could read my mind now. I stepped back away from the bar as the drink was sat down in front of me, and knew he wasn’t going to move without following me. I was losing all logical thought while I was still trying to figure out if this was okay or not. 

Everything that I was feeling before this moment made sense. He had to have been around somewhere, ’cause usually, he’d be the last thing on my mind while I was just enjoying myself at a party or event. Even if it was possible that we’d be in the same space at the same time, I’d gotten do good at blocking him out that I didn’t care.

But, he was in front of me now.

And, I couldn’t do anything else but look at him. 

**“Hey, can I get--”** I turned around to ask, but my eyes rolled gently as he held up a shot glass filled with maraschino cherries. I pressed my lips together again and shifted my weight on my toes as I accepted them, and dumped them into my cup.

All of a sudden, I wasn’t sure if this was going to be strong enough.

**“C’mon now Kacie, don’t stand there like you’ve seen a ghost,”** He said as I stepped back, really getting a good look at him. He wasn’t loud enough for anyone other than either of us to hear, and I still hadn’t fixed my face.

My stomach dipped as I looked him over, in his Black Pyramid brand shorts, a bleach splattered black tank top, and fresh haircut. He looked good, and he was standing out without the need to. I hesitated releasing the tension in my shoulders as we looked at each other, and the feeling in my stomach started to coil into something else. 

How did I miss him? 

Oh, how did I miss him.

For the second time today, and totally different circumstances, my mouth filled with saliva as I swallowed back my entire drink, mushy maraschinos and all, and huffed once it was gone. I didn’t know what to say, and I wondered why I hadn’t spotted him. I’d been here for  _ hours,  _ but to be honest, knowing him, it was very possible for him to be somewhere, just watching me until I was alone. 

Or shit… Maybe I had gotten just  _ that good  _ at blocking him out.

**“Kacie, come back to me, baby.”**

He was patiently looking, and waved his hand in front of my face. I had to pull myself together. The fact that he was right here in front of me was really sending me spiraling, and I had to pull it together for real. There was no reason for us not to just be cordial. That was the mature, adult thing to do, and I quickly made my mind up and smiled weakly at him.

**“What’s up? Who you here with?”** He asked, trying to get me to respond.

We were walking before I noticed it, and I tried to ignore how good he smelled. His Vera Wang Men’s cologne was familiar and choking at the same time, but in a good way. It let me know that I wasn’t fucking hallucinating this whole thing. It wasn’t a dream sequence. He was really here.

**“Michael.”** I softly responded, mentally wondering why my voice wasn’t louder.

I shook my head when I realized that the first thing I’d said to him in all of these years was some other man’s name. Instead of reacting like I thought he would, he merely nodded softly and led us to a tall table, and just  _ stared  _ at me.

His eyes were burning a hole in me. I felt smaller than I really was as I looked up at him, forcing myself to keep looking, taking it all in. I recalled an old saying when it came to dealing with him. No expectations, no disappointments.

**“Mmmm,”** He hummed, long and without a follow up question. 

He was smiling then, and I noticed he was drinking water, so he was definitely more sober than I ever could be right now. His smile always won me over. It was infectious, and I hated that despite the ping-ponging of my thoughts, and the fact that we were just standing here, I couldn’t help myself from actually smiling back at him. 

I always pictured this moment, but I didn’t think it’d be like this. 

I knew it was bound to happen eventually, but, not  _ like this.  _

He stepped back from the table and looked down at me, and his hand extended to flick at the hoop earring in my ear. I inwardly shivered. He scoffed lowly in his throat as he glanced down at my hip, where the top of a lily tattoo could be seen. I knew once he saw that it was still intact, despite me finally getting it colored in a few years back, he’d want to see what else had stuck around too.

**“Damn, I thought you would have covered it up by now.”** He softly explained, and I shook my head. 

I knew it was him looking at me back at the bar now, as I still felt his eyes on me. I was adjusting to the reality of the situation though, and the longer we stood in front of each other, it didn’t feel like I was under a microscope anymore. He tried to discreetly look at me, so I stepped back, giving him a better look.

He complimented my outfit, which wasn’t much. I threw together a yellow ruffled crop top and a pair of white shorts in about five minutes. It went well with the gold hoops, gold anklet, and yellow rhinestone high-heeled sandals I wore. I looked up at him and rolled my eyes as he gripped my left hand, and I knew what he was looking for. 

The second he touched me, I felt seventeen again. I was on fire, and almost shrank back from him. To his surprise, the small roman numerals were still there, daintily embedded in my wrist without being covered up, despite how many times I wanted to. I looked down at his hand, and his were still there too. I remember the space being so much more emptier once upon a time.

His charm bracelet tattoo I remembered us both getting after my graduation from College was still there, and he had a couple of new charms. Some were familiar, like a star, Michael’s glove, my initials, the letter R with a crown on it, and a taurus symbol, and there were a bunch that I didn’t recognize. He picked up my right hand and ran his fingers against the skin, smiling at it. My bracelet was just as filled, with the letter C, a six, a star, a moon, a Prince Symbol, a tiny Adinkra symbol, and a few others I had yet to explain to him. 

Still feeling subjected to his inspection of momentos, I flung my hair over my shoulder to show him the small locket on my right shoulder, and the pyramid that was still on my back. He nodded as he turned around, showing me that he hadn’t covered up the key on his. I felt like caving. I looked at him, knowing there are still many tattoos that revolved around me that he had yet to get covered up.

I know that my lips are still against his heart. My name is still on his hip, in my favorite spot. My eyes are still on his shoulder, looking out for his back. This man is still a fucking walking reminder of me and everything I’ve ever done to him, and yet, we haven’t said shit to each other since 2013.

We’re both to blame for that break up. But, we’ve both grown since then too. I don’t know what that means for right now. I have things going on, and I know he does too, at least from what I’ve been unable to escape. I wouldn’t, and don’t, have any idea how we’ll be able to balance each other out going forward, because I know him.

He’s here for no other reason than he’s decided that he’s ready to try. 

He doesn’t have to explain that to me though. I understand. I can sense it, almost. He’s gotten close enough to touch me, and that’s all he needs before he finds a way to be able to do it over and over again. The floor has been cleared for reuniting for a while. I’ve been ready to talk for about two years now, but I haven’t stressed the issue.

Michael has been pushing me for  _ years  _ to do something,  _ anything,  _ to make a balance in my life for him once I felt like I was ready. No matter how ready I thought I was at the time, I always found some reason to convince myself and everyone else that I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure if we’d ever be able to do that.

He’s in front of me now, and I can’t lie to myself. I know how he operates, and this is him trying. He’s  _ here,  _ and that really means  _ everything  _ to me right now. This is a big step towards him finally deciding to try and fix things between us, and I don’t know what the catalyst was, or what made him decide to walk up to me. 

But, all that matters is that he’s here now, and I can’t turn away.

His eyes, brown and warm, were sparkling as I looked into them. He smiled and tilted his head back a little, and I exhaled hard. I know from the outside looking in, we probably looked crazy as fuck, just standing in front of each other. Me not saying anything, and him being choked up and just  _ there,  _ looking at me like I’d disappear, man. It was bad enough when I was alone, and now he’s in front of me, doing the same shit.

I felt like I was being sucked into his bubble all over again, and I was sure that before this day was over, I would be. Even though I had said less than a sentence to him, and we were just silently standing here, getting a good look at each other, both wondering,  _ did you forget about me?,  _ I knew this wasn’t going to be enough.

I know I hadn’t forgotten about him. I missed him. Every day since we broke things off for good, I had no choice but to be surrounded by constant reminders of what we had both given up on. But, he was here, and despite everything, I knew how we operated. I knew this wasn’t  _ just because. _

I had made my peace with us being over a long time ago. Even though I knew that wasn’t the end, and wouldn’t be the end, I was okay. His presence now was what made things different. I couldn’t run away from what was in front of me anymore; I spent all of my late teenage years and early twenties fighting and leaving when our situation got the best of me. I couldn’t keep doing that -- that was behind me now. 

I missed him. The funny thing about us being apart for so long was that I always knew how to get to him. He was always accessible to me if I wanted to get to him, but that didn’t mean he’d always be accessible to me, and  _ fuck,  _ that was a hurtful reminder. I’d closed myself off then, not from just him, but  _ everyone  _ that was involved with him. 

For long time, it was  _ i’ll hit him up when I’m ready,  _ but I always made myself believe that I didn’t need to do that. Not anymore. I could do whatever the fuck I needed to do by myself. I didn’t need him. I couldn’t say that right now though. He was here, and despite everything else, I  _ did  _ need him, even if I couldn’t rationalize or verbalize why, not coherently at least. I know that I did. As many times as I’d gotten close to running back into him, our familiar ways, and our old way of revolving around each other, I’d always managed to escape before he saw me.

I couldn’t go anywhere right now.

I knew that the day would come when I’d finally gotten my hardheaded, prideful, stubborn ass up, and made the leap to talk to him again. This just was an unexpected curveball tossed by the universe, who was determined to do it for me. I didn’t expect it to be like  _ this  _ when we found ourselves in the same place, at the same time, whether it be purposely or intentionally. 

I was still standing in front of him, still staring, arms akimbo, sucking in my bottom lip. I was hot. I could feel everyone looking at me, looking at us. I could hear them too, and no one approached either of us as we stood there, staring at each other. It was taking all of my energy to just stay calm, stay cool…. 

I felt my emotional side overwhelm the rational appearance I had though, and I was going to cry. 

**“You look really good, Kacie. I missed you.”** He grabbed my hands in his, pulling them away from my sides, and I knew it was genuine.

I just nodded. If I were to say anything, my emotions would betray me, and I’d cry. I really would. I could feel the need to do so bubbling up in my throat as I just nodded, and let him hold my hands. I needed a hug now though, ’cause just having his hands on mine wasn’t enough. I needed a hug badly, and before I knew it, like he’d sensed it, but was hesitant to really touch me, he stretched his arms out for me to fill the space.

I wrapped my arms around his neck then, pulling him in and holding him closely, and feeling my stomach knot up even more. I wanted to touch him because I’d forgotten how good it felt. I knew that I wasn’t alone with that feeling. He was molding himself against me like old times again, and it felt great. He knew just where to grip me. 

I felt like I was on fire as his hands dragged down my back, rubbing it, just a little bit. He was savoring the fuck out of this hug, and had every part of me memorized. He hummed against the top of my head, and he took a deep inhale of my hair, which he gently tangled his hand in. 

**“Fuck,”** I heard him exhale, and it made me repeat the sentiment.

I could stay like this forever, and I knew it. He knew it too, and I had to pull back first. I was definitely going to cry. When we were together, I would literally climb into his space just for him to hold me close to him, just like this, and that’s the  _ last  _ thing I wanted to think about right now. 

I had been silently telling myself since he stood in front of me that we didn’t need to touch each other, but once he gripped my hand just to flip my wrist over, it was a wrap. I was overcome with too many memories, too way many dueling emotions, and just like that, I actually started to cry. I felt it bubbling up in my chest, and I closed my eyes as I silenced the cry that erupted from my throat.

Fuck… this was all bad.


	3. all bad

All Bad | 2

**“I didn’t want you to cry. Damn. That’s the last thing I wanted to do…”** He started to apologize as I wiped my face, and scowled at him.

I was too aware of everything now; hyper aware of anyone watching, possibly recording, prepared to set us out, sell it to TMZ or something. Shit.  _ Anything  _ was possible right now. It pissed me off almost immediately as the thought came to form, but I wasn’t going to let that bother me though. I had to hold it together for the sake of everything going on around me. I knew this was going to start something.

I was still frowning as he wiped my face, and resumed holding my hands in his.

**“Kacie, listen, I didn’t mean to just step up to you and approach you like this. I always knew we’d cross paths again, but not today. I didn’t expect it to be like this either. I can go, if you want me to.”** He softly explained to me, giving me space. 

I swallowed softly as I struggled to look at him through blurry lids, and I wiped my face with the back of my hand. He was so patient as he stood in front of me. It made my stomach dip. I haven’t forgotten how patient he could be with me, though. He could literally wait forever for things to be pieced together again, and I knew that. 

**“You never fail to make me touch my face or cry as soon as I decide to wear makeup,”** I sniffled, and he shook his head at me as he looked up.

**“At least you don’t look like a raccoon.”** He smiled, and I frowned at him.

**“Fuck… you sure?”** I pulled myself together as I noticed someone was watching us a few tables over, eyebrow up, ear hustling like a motherfucker. I wasn’t ready to pull apart and separate though, and he felt the same way, I know he did. 

**“I’m sure. Still beautiful. I could talk to you about it all night, and you know that. So, please tell me your number is still the same.”** He wondered, and I looked up at him, humming lowly in dislike.

**“It is, I just-”** I shook my head softly as I looked down at my phone before picking it up, and scrolling through my contacts. My number was still the same, and wouldn’t change. The only issue with that was on his end, he was still blocked.

**“I’m still blocked.”** He stated, and I nodded.

I blocked him the last time we had talked, and then promptly went the next several years acting like he didn’t exist. I never would have thought that he’d be in front of me right here, right now, and I’d be unblocking him solely because I know that we need to talk.

But, that’s just the root of the problem. We’ll need to talk, of course, not even on some ’ _ i need closure,’  _ bullshit, ’cause it’s too late for that. There’s just things I need to say to him. Important things, too. All of the things we need to talk about and catch up on can’t be done in a public setting for one, and two, if we start talking now, we’ll be here all night, literally…

… and I can’t do that. Fuck.

**“You’ve had me blocked for so long that I was sure you were done forever. And, even though it wouldn’t be hard for me to find a way to get in contact with you, I didn’t want to fuck things up by just calling you before either of us were ready. I didn’t expect to see you here, and…”** He started to explain, and I cut my eyes at him.

**“I figured, why the hell not, you know? Just approach her. She’s right there. It worked so well for me in the past. Even though I hesitated for a minute, ’cause I know you. You were about to start cryin’, and I was too, I won’t lie, I just… I miss you. As soon as I saw you, I wasn’t going to leave out of here until you saw me, and we talked.”** He was rambling, like I often tend to do, and I knew that he was nervous. That was the only time he got wordy.

I shook my head as I got to his contact information, which had last been saved under the ever accurate title for the time, “ _ fucking dumbass _ .” I thrusted the phone in his hand, letting him override the old information for new information. He stepped back and took a contact photo before giving the phone back to me. 

I still hadn’t said anything else. I didn’t want to get started with a lengthy conversation, not really. I felt like it was best for me to just stay quiet, and pick things up later. I wanted to hug him again though, and I’d probably end up on TheShadeRoom tomorrow, but I didn’t care. I had to sit back and think about it for a moment. I didn’t want to add more tears into whatever would come from this though. When I got home and finally had a moment to myself, I knew for a fact I was going to burst out in tears, and I couldn’t figure out if they were good or bad.

**“Are you out here for good, or you still in Brooklyn, or…still ripping and running?”** He asked, and I shook my head softly. He was trying to coax a conversation out of me, but I wasn’t up for too much talking.

**“Just out here for the summer. Getting some time in with B before his next movie…”** I started to explain, but the explanation died out in my throat as I watched his lips turn down into a frown.

**“It’s just y’all two?”**

**“Just us.”** I confirmed. He looked at me like he wanted to say more, but didn’t.

What more could be said?

**“Whussup?”** I heard from behind me, and I closed my eyes briefly as Michael finally returned, wrapping his arm around my waist, pulling me into him. 

**“Is this your King?”** Chris inquired playfully as I shook my head at the two of them. Michael started to laugh, and I frowned.

I’m unable to do anything but hold my breath as Michael gave me another drink, hopefully something harder than the pineapple and tequila. The panic was starting to set in. Alex had left and I wanted to cry again, for frustrated reasons. I was thankful, and I sipped at it and attempted to sink away. I pushed down at his hand, needing him to let me go, and let me get away, but I couldn’t get far. Michael held on to my hand as I stared down into my drink, and refused to look at either of them.

**“I meant to tell you congratulations on Black Panther, it was dope. I’m taking RoRo and my Momma to see it this weekend,”** He added, still talking, giving praise, and I just stood still, never thinking things would be like this. 

**“How is she doing? I know you got some pictures. She’s good for you, man.”** Michael softly says, digging into his pocket to pull out his own phone.

**“All over the place with her hands in everything. Writing all over my walls, and dancing everywhere. How’s Celeste?”** I can feel him looking at me, and I don’t know what my face is displaying right now, but he doesn’t look away from me.

**“Smart as hell, too smart for her own good sometimes. And, she’s getting super tall. She comes up to Kacie’s elbows already,”** Michael explained as he swiped through his photos.

Chris hasn’t stopped looking at me yet. I want him to pay attention to the phone, and not me. He should be interested in what Michael is super eager to show him. He should want to see pictures of his daughter from someone whose more than willing to show her off. 

I can’t do it.

Michael squeezes my hand, trying to get me to add into the conversation, but I don’t. I don’t say anything. Both of them are looking at me until I smile weakly, and look away. They launch into stories, both captivated by whatever’s being said. They continued a conversation that went over my head and I had no input in, and I had checked out from everything around me. 

My brain wasn’t playing fair. It was taking me back to the time when the two of them had finally met in person, when Chris caused a fucking scene after they’d both tried to console me over some stupid ass comment someone had made, and  _ Jesus,  _ that was just a mess. We’d had a lot of  _ messes  _ between the three of us, and right now wasn’t a mess per say, but, I just couldn’t really stand here for too much longer, trying to make sense of things. 

I needed to go home and process this curveball in an already complicated situation. I looked up, snapping out of it, and mentally cursing myself for disassociating so easily.

**“...So, can I see you soon?”**

**“What?”** I looked at him, and he smiled at me before repeating himself. 

**“You must have spaced out. I said, I don’t have anything going on for the next few weeks, so, can I see you soon?”** Chris repeated as he looked at me, trying to read my face.

**“Y’all can come and hang out, we could go to lunch or dinner or something. You know. Something not too pressuring, something simple. Just food and conversation.”** He stressed  _ we _ and  _ ya’ll _ , attempting to open up the invitation to the two of us.

I looked over at Michael, but deep down, I knew I was going to be going at this by myself. 

**“I’ll even bring RoRo, and make it less stressful on all of us.”** He suggested, and all I could do was nod.

**“It might just be us three.”** I said, feeling the urge to cry clawing back out of me. Chris and Michael exchanged looks, with Michael silently insisting, and Chris’ eyebrow going up, as if to say, really?

**“Just let me know when. You have my number.”**

…

I needed my space. My brain got to going, and I just needed a moment to myself for the sake of processing things. I left them alone, but thankfully, they understood. They both knew that I was just running away so I could have time to myself to think. 

I wasn’t too far from them. I had moved to where I could see them together, and once or twice, someone had stepped up, photographing them as they sat together, and I knew that was going to make its rounds quickly. They were still talking, quietly updating each other about life, sports, music, what was to come, and had found a table to sit down at so they could be closer, trading phones here and there, like two proud fathers. 

It made me nauseous. I had to separate from them, from  _ him _ especially, because I had no reason to feel the way that I did. After watching them for a while, I was lured back inside with the promise of  _ good vibes only,  _ and I hung around in a booth, texting Daz, wishing that she was here, and yelling in the group chat between Alex and our other best friend Billie, which went unresponded to. 

I wasn’t sitting for long, humming along to Ciara’s  _ Promise  _ before I wasn’t anymore. I felt him walk into the room before I spotted him, and seconds later, I knew what I was about to get myself into. Out of all of the people to bother themselves with me, I was approached by Donald, all smiles, and making his way over to me with intentions to attack. 

**“Don Don!”** I smiled as I waved him over, and knew deep down, this was another distraction.

Prior to today, we hadn’t talked to each other in a couple of weeks, and that was too long for me. I was anxious for the change of pace and scenery, despite people watching us.

**“Oh, my God. I’ve missed you, tiny woman,”** He mumbled into my head after advancing on me and stopping for no one else, and I smiled as I squeezed his sides. 

**“Missed you too, Mr. Solo,”** I mumbled into his chest, and he laughed.

I melted into it, anxious for physical contact with him. He pressed his lips against my forehead and wrapped his arms around me, and I pressed my body against his, which made him groan softly. It never failed to make my back arch. He  _ always  _ did that shit, since the very first time we’d met back in ’10 when he was campaigning to be the next spider-man. 

I’d never forget that day. 

It was hot as fuck, I was in the studio with Chris, who wasn’t really doing shit but recording what ended up being a mixtape. Me, forever wanting to escape after a while, ran into Donald in the hallway, who was recording down the hall. He stopped me ’cause I had this cool ass t-shirt on, which was his face underneath the spider-man mask, and he hugged me after I introduced myself to him, and told him that I’d made it. I was all for the campaign. 

That hug was  _ everything  _ though, and the sound he made didn’t help my stupid crush. He said I was soft, which made me laugh. We ended up talking for longer than I thought, and exchanging numbers, and we’d been good friends since. I even ended up being a muse for him, for a while. It was a very memorable experience, and much like many of the men that I pull into my life, our bond just can’t be broken by much of anything, really. 

**“You have some shit going on today, huh?”** He asked as I nodded, and he tugged gently at my locs. I swatted his hand away as he wrapped me up in his hold again, and shook his head at me.

**“This is like, surreal. Was that Chris I just saw out there with Mike? Close like buddies?”** He asked, and I nodded. His eyes got big and I nodded again, until I shook my head at the situation.

**“Plotting against you?”**

**“Most of the men in my life often are.”**

I absentmindedly played in his thick beard for a minute as we stood there, so content with each other, we had to pull apart. He put me at ease, instantly, and he knew it. He laughed gently and sat down next to me, and started pulling my mind back to work as he brought up the scripts I’d sent him a few days ago. 

**“So, about this next season…”**

**“Mine or yours?”**

**“Both.”** I could talk about work. I could talk about work all day. 

He was so excited for me, for us, for season three of his show, and two of mine, to see me in my element once more, and continue with the storylines as a whole. Since the webseries days, Donald had been there with me along the ride. He played the character I’d created in Michael’s honor, Giana’s actor boyfriend, Jay, back then on youtube and my website, and now, as a series. 

To pay him back for putting up with me, and because he wrote a role specifically for me to fill, I had a small role in Atlanta’s surreal and dark season two, and my acting life kind of spiraled out from there. With Michael being busy, Donald was one of the people I found myself clinging onto once I decided to take a shift towards shifting my creative intention. When he wasn’t shooting movies or being busy with  _ Atlanta,  _ he gave into my wishes by co-starring in my show, and dedicating his time to backing and fully supporting me with whatever I wanted to do.

He was another person to give me a push, and show me the purpose of my gift, and telling my story, which was a mix of surrealism and drama. Like now, I had focused solely on him. We’d often get discovered close like this, somewhere together, in a crowd, but they didn’t mean shit. He got me to talking about my ideas and distracting me effortlessly, with his hand on my knee, and my hand wrapped around his waist, me super snug against him.

**“You're so close, I almost want to kiss you. It’s been too long.”** Donald teased me as I shook my head at him.

**“You’re only saying this because you miss me,”** I leaned in slowly and pressed my lips against the corner of his mouth as quickly as I could, and then pushed back into his side as we peered down at the notes in his phone together.

I was praying he didn’t slide his hand into my hair. I had enough issues to face right now, and I didn’t need another one. I was hesitant, only for a second, wondering where his large hand would go next, and it slid from my knee, to gripping my thigh. I swallowed gently, and I forgot all about the two dads I’d left in the courtyard. 

We discussed work, Atlanta’s next season, more movie roles, his music, and it was a good distraction for at least twenty minutes, until I spotted Michael walking into the open doorway of the interior. Michael’s eyebrow went up as he saw us, and I stood up first, slow to separate. Donald pouted, and I licked my lips as I stood in the midst of the two of them and exhaled slowly. 

**“Business or pleasure?”** Michael asked as he approached, and I shrugged.

**“Both, in a way.”** Donald spoke up, and I pressed my lips together.

**“You ready?”** He looked between the two of us again, and I tilted my head at him.

**“Stop making this seem like an episode of Cheaters. You already know what it is,”** I scolded him gently, and he scoffed at me as I stepped closer to him, and placed my hand on his chest.

**“You ready?”** He repeated, and I scoffed as he gripped my hips as he pulled me into him.

Chris came to say goodbye too, and it was surprising to everyone who could see us, who hadn’t seen what went on in the courtyard. I could feel people looking, hear people talking, and it made me take a deep breath as he got closer.

Too many eyes were on me now, all looking for explanations that I couldn’t offer.

**“Another hug is cool, right? Just don’t cry this time.”** Chris teased me a little, and I frowned at him as I pushed myself into his direction.

He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his lips against my forehead, and I actually whined a little bit at how Donald intruded, claiming he wanted to get in on that too, and blew a raspberry on my cheek as I pushed him away from me. 

**“Really? I can’t have anything to myself?”** I muttered, which caused Donald to shrug.

That dynamic threw Chris for a loop for a moment, and I shook my head as Donald laughed and walked over to Michael at the bar. I forgot for a second that there was so much he hadn’t been around for, and so much shit I’d eventually need to explain. But right now, I could tell that he wasn’t tripping. He was still holding on to me though, looking down at me. I didn’t have anything to say, but he was trying to put his words together, I could tell. 

I inched out of his arms and stood there, patiently waiting on him to say something. I noticed he was looking down at my phone, still lit up on the table I had pushed away from. I had a waiting text from Alex, but I’m sure it was my wallpaper that caught his eye. Celeste was sitting in my lap, in a yoga pose, leg kicked up in the air, a picture taken by Michael. 

He was going to say something about her. 

He was looking too long, and too hard. I knew he was, because I couldn’t. 

**“I’ll call you later, okay?”** He promised softly, and all I could do was nod.

….

I felt like we would never get back home.

We passed up on grabbing food with Ryan, promising to find something to get into soon, and drove home in moderate silence, save for the radio. As we pulled into the garage and got out, Michael led me inside and I closed the door behind us.

I flipped the lights on, bathing the living room in white light as I stepped out of my sandals and placed them on the shoe rack against the wall. I walked over to the couch and sat down on it, with nothing to say, really.

I didn’t have time to truly process the events of the day while I was going through them. It hadn’t even been a few hours and there were already photos up, me with Don, Me with Michael, and in several instagram stories and snapchats I’d seen and been tagged in, or sent to me, there was Chris, and so many questions.

Now, I was just sitting here, spacing the fuck out. 

**“Are we going to talk about why you never brought up Celeste?”** Michael’s voice cut through the silence in the room, and I shook my head.

**“Nah, we’re not.”** I turned towards him, and shook my head.

**“I know it’s going to become an issue with you, and before we could process how to move forward, we need to just sit back and think about what the fuck just happened.”** I spoke slowly and as calmly as possible, as he sat down next to me.

**“So, we’re just not going to talk about it?”** He asked, and I shook my head.

**“No… I mean, we will** **_,_ ** **but, not right now. I kind of feel like you’re upset with me about not saying anything** .” I tried to explain, and he shook his head at me,

**“I’m not upset. I just thought you’d say** **_something,_ ** **considering that he was actually right there.”** He spoke gently, and I exhaled.

I really felt like crying, so, I did. My liquor buzz was gone, and the reality of the situation was real and heavy as I sat there, tilting my head back so my tears could roll down the sides of my face. I didn’t want to talk in depth about this, but I knew there was no escaping the situation, and I’d  _ have  _ to say something.

**“I’m going to open up, eventually. And, I honestly thank you for doing it when I couldn’t. I just couldn’t do it there. That’s a private conversation that needs to happen. I had already busted out in tears when he approached me. I don’t know if you saw him before I did, or if he just came up to me, but... yeah… ”** I pressed my lips together and wiped my face as he moved closer to me.

**“She’s honestly more your daughter than she is his. So, you have all the rights to show her off, so he can at least see her… but, I have my ways of doing things and making it make sense, and I couldn’t do it there.”** I felt his hands wrap around my waist and pull me into him, holding me closer to him. 

I closed my eyes instantly, melting against him. I felt his hand come up to my face and soon after, he wiped away a tear.

**“He’s ready for a second chance, Kacie.”** He revealed, making me pull back and look at him. 

I knew that the time would come eventually. They had been co-conspiring for a while now, trying to figure out a way to break me as a team. Michael had a bigger bleeding heart when it came to the concept of him being involved in a blended family when it came to me, Christopher, and our daughter, Celeste.

**“When he told me to take care of her because he couldn’t, because he wasn’t ready, because  it was too much to take on, I did that. I did exactly what he asked of me without trying to argue with him about why, what would happen next, and any of that. We weren’t teenagers anymore. We were men, and he came to me as a man, and even though you couldn’t understand, I understood what he was going through to an extent.”** He explained, telling me things I knew, things I’d heard before, and listened to every time he tried to preach on it, but it didn’t change  _ my  _ outlook on the situation as a whole.

**“We both know he wasn’t mentally in the right place back then. And, despite how the situation came to be, I was in love with you even back then. I would do anything for you, to keep you happy, and to keep you safe and protected. Even though you were carrying his kid, I was there for you, and I wasn’t going anywhere.”** His voice sounded like he was delivering a passionate monologue as he rubbed my back and held me against him.

I didn’t have anything to say. I was still processing the fact that he had approached me.

**“I was in love with Celeste before she even had a name. You know this. I love Celeste like she’s my own because she is.** **_I’m_ ** **her Daddy.”** He insisted, as I nodded gently.

**“But, as I’ve constantly told you, and I know these last three years have proved it to be the hardest for you whenever it comes up, he deserves a chance. Pictures, video, and the occasional weekend update from me can only do so much, Kacie. You have to give him a chance to prove himself. I’m sure that he can co-parent with you better than whatever’s going on with that situation with Nia.”** Michael’s tone was sympathetic at best, and I wiped my eyes.

As much as I wanted to be upset, and I felt cornered, and a little set up, I had to be rational. He had to be rational too, and he understood this more than anyone. He approached the concept of me and Chris co-parenting like it was going to be the easiest thing in the world to do. Like we’d just come together, decide on who would get weekends, when she’d visit him, when she’d come back home to me, and how we’d split the summer. 

It wasn’t going to be easy on two different coasts, first of all. Location wasn’t even the most important of my worries about the situation though. It was just one of many. Chris was definitely a high hazard element in the situation, and he knew that. The history between us would spark a new fire for him to watch go up in flames between the two of us too, and we hadn’t talked about that in a long time. 

I had a boyfriend that I had my own unconventional history with, who was on attempt number two with me, trying this relationship out, again. It wasn’t a struggle relationship between two teenagers who had no idea how to make the whole thing really stick like it had been back when we’d attempted it while I was still in college. Michael and I lived together, and we’d been discussing the future between the two of us as of lately, in which he’s brought up marriage, and more kids, a few times. 

How would reintroducing Chris back into my life, which was totally different than it was when he allowed me to walk away from him, going to work? How was that going to be woven into the complicated process of us just being together for the sake of our daughter, who he still needed to build a bond with? What were we going to do when his feelings about me became an elephant in the room? 

I had a lot to be concerned about.

I knew how this man operated. I knew his tactics, and I knew  _ him,  _ and I honestly felt like Michael was only concerned about the imagery of everything working out for the three of us before we moved on to bigger things as a couple. That kind of tunnel vision wasn’t allowing him to see the bigger picture, which was filled with incomplete parts.

**“Are you getting upset? You’re quiet.”** He noticed, and I shook my head.

**“I’m not upset, it’s just.. Overwhelming, and now I have a lot on my mind. I’m more concerned with how you’re going to be able to handle the changes, and us going through the motions with the way things will develop as we go forward.”** I raised my eyebrow, and he shrugged softly.

Whether he wanted to say anything about it or not, the entire interaction between the two of us was enough to shut me down for a while. Chris was  _ on me  _ as soon as he saw me. I knew that despite us being broken up for several years, he still was in love with me. I was still going to be one of the most important women in his life. It was going to take a while for him to truly process the fact that even though we had a child together, I couldn’t fulfill all of the empty spots that were made once we called things off.

And then, there was the whole issue of me actually having a boyfriend, a partner, someone who saw the future with me in it, and had dedicated his life to me and  _ my  _ daughter, because  _ he  _ asked him to, from the moment my pregnant ass left and said I’d never look back. 

How was he going to really be able to deal with the fact that there’s another man by my side, someone who is 100% on my team, who has lived day in and day out with me and a child he claims as his own, who has his own way of doing things, and making things work?

It’s going to be a challenge. They’ll both have to bend to understand that neither of them will have the loudest voice in my life. Even if Chris would agree to whatever I wanted just for the sake of making the arrangement work out between us, there would still be this underlying desire for him to want me to be submissive in more ways than just for the sake of co-existing as a team for Celeste, and where would that leave Michael, when he couldn’t understand?

Oh, trust me. I might not have been ready to voice all of my concerns, nor had I been able to properly vent about the situation as it came to be, but I was definitely  _ ready  _ to discuss things with Chris about it.

**“I know it’s a lot for you to figure out what to address first, but… just** **_try_ ** **to. I don’t want you to shut yourself down or bottle up. You honestly weren’t going to be able to run away from him forever, you know that.”** Michael insisted, and I sighed softly.

**“I know. I’ll figure something out.”** I pushed out of his lap as I pressed my fingers against the bridge of my nose and squeezed gently.

**“I’m gonna go take a shower, and a nap. I’ll see how things go when I get up. I love you.”** I pressed my lips gently against his before he caught me in a deeper kiss, and pressed his forehead against mine.

**“I love you too. Take your time.”**

….

I felt like shit when I woke up, but I definitely needed to get up. I could have slept  _ forever,  _ but that wasn’t going to help anyone involved in this situation. I was slow to get up, though. The bed was comfortable and always trapped me, but that wasn’t what was really holding me down. 

My dream was worrisome. I had been in the middle of some epic battle between Christopher vs Michael, and all I wanted to do was fucking run away, but I couldn’t. I had pulled myself up in bed just in time for Michael to come in and look at me, and ask if I was okay. He had food in his arms and concern on his face as he sat next to me and convinced me to get out of bed, trying his hardest to lure me out. 

If it wasn’t for the sake of the food in his arms, I knew I would have been pulled into a discussion I didn’t want to have. I got out of bed and stretched, not feeling any bit rested though. 

I honestly felt like the weight of the situation had finally settled on my shoulders until I dealt with it. I felt like a soccer mom right now, going through the motions after discovering her husband was cheating or something. I was just spiraling the fuck out, for real. That nap was brought on by stress, frustration, and being overwhelmed, but it wasn’t enough.

I was in a haze.

Michael had tried his hand at talking to me, but my focus wasn’t there. Eventually, he left me to go take a call. I just needed to decompress, but I wasn’t really ready to talk yet, y’know? My mind was all over the place. I had a lot to attack and handle, and despite the fact that I knew all of my inboxes were piling up, my mind wasn’t really set for business. 

I took a deep breath and picked up my phone. I had to see what was going on, first.

I sat in the kitchen, tearing into my still hot food, while playing catch up with my notifications and various voicemails. I had seen way too many links to TMZ, TheShadeRoom, and my old friend Bossip in my DMs already. All I could was shake my head. They were painting the scene with two different narratives depending on who had sent them what already. 

Donald and I sitting alone had made its rounds, sparking a newly revived inquiry as to if we were secretly back together. The PDA with Michael had made its rounds as well, which wasn’t surprising. The fansites  _ stayed  _ on top of any mention of the two of us together, so I was used to that. 

Used to seeing my name with Donald’s and Michael’s was normal, non-alarming, and didn’t bother me. I hit like on a few posts and tweets kept it moving. The longer I sat with my phone in my hand, kinda zoning out, I had realized I wasn’t seeing anything with Chris’ name on it from twitter. It only took me a couple seconds more to remember that he was still wrapped up in all of the strong mute functions I had laid down.

I pursed my lips as I thought about it for a minute, before accessing the settings and unmuting him, finally. I thought about it for a minute more, and then shrugged my shoulders gently as I went through the motions, following him on my various personal social media accounts, and my public twitter page. 

Within moments, I had refreshed everything, and it was like I had a whole new gotdamned timeline. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d seen my name with Chris’ within the last couple of seconds, and it made me furrow my brow and scrunch my face up at all of the shit I had blinded myself to unless I went out looking for it. 

It was surreal as fuck.

There was a constantly retweeted tweet that just  _ kept  _ popping up on my timeline, which had a video. It just happened to be the two of us at the bar, which had ’Kacestopher’ trending, and all I could do was roll my eyes as I sat the phone back down. 

It had been a long day, and I was good for commenting at the height of the drama, acting as if I had no idea what the hell was going on, when I knew damned well what the deal was. I didn’t know what to attack first though, so I merely tweeted:

**@KacieDevaughn:** girl, what… ? gotta catch up. brb

I had to hit pause on this whole thing. I threw my hands up and stood up, and tucked my food into the microwave with a groan. Ain’t no telling _ what the fuck  _ I’d been missing out on, and I was going to need some time to acclimate myself to my new timeline. I knew it was going to be overwhelming in more ways than one, which meant, this was definitely going to require some liquor, I was sure of it.

I needed to be somewhat rational, so I opted to sip tequila from the bottle as I glanced down a my phone. Trying to catch up became overwhelming quicker than I anticipated, so my phone went down. I managed to change into some pajamas just for the sake of being comfortable as I felt a buzz coming on. I needed to be ready to lure myself back to sleep in a few hours on top of all of this chaos forming and brewing. 

My phone was going to over-exhaust itself with all of the notifications I was getting before I could even get back into it though. I decided not to worry about it. 

In the meantime, I was preparing myself to talk. I hadn’t forgotten that he had promised to call, and I was actually waiting on it. I hadn’t had any missed calls from him yet, but I knew he would call now that he knew he could. I was just trying to get my head together before he did though, and like anything else I planned out, it wasn’t going to be simple.

I had my notebooks out with notes, a few tabs open on my Mac where I’d left it at, and I had been messaging back and forth with my Dad about it. He knew how to handle me more than he ever could when it came to the situation now, and for that, I was grateful. I had told myself, now was the time to try. Get everything out when it was time to vent, and then, try your damnedest not to vent again, and just keep moving forward. 

I felt like I was in a better place to explain myself, if anything, since we’d be able to talk without an audience. I was ripping into my food, and had two lists written up when it came to topics to approach when my phone lit up, making me turn it over.

_ Chris _ : Hope you’re sitting down somewhere quiet. Finna call

I glanced down at the text message, and it revealed that it was about nine thirty. My phone started to buzz across the table, signaling an incoming call before I could even respond. I raised my eyebrow as I noticed that it was an incoming FaceTime call, and not a normal phone call. 

**“Fuck. Here we go.”**

I frowned gently as I accepted it before I missed it. I had a lot going on in front of me, but I wasn’t going to run away from this, either.

I still had half of my food left in front of me, and he was just going to have to deal with me being preoccupied. I bit down into my fried artichoke as I sat the phone upright, and stared into the screen. He smiled at me as I forked a slice of avocado into my mouth, and neither of us said anything for at least two minutes.

**“We can’t just stare at each other, you know. Is it gonna be like this when we have lunch tomorrow? You’re just gonna stare at me?”** I asked, and he laughed softly.

**“Oh, so you’ve found your voice, huh?”**

**“Shut** **_up._ ** **”**

**“Nah, I promise it won’t. You okay?”** He asked, and I shrugged my shoulder. 

I was  _ better,  _ yeah. I really was operating solely for the sake of  _ trying. _ I looked at him, and we both seemed more at ease. The reality of what was going on didn’t really hit me until he smiled again, and I knew this shit was real. 

**“Pretty sure I’ll be up until I crash again. So, I hope your phone is charged, ’cause I’m a whole lot more coherent than I was earlier, and actually willing to talk to you.”** I opened up my blueberry lemonade as he nodded at me. 

He wasn’t as anxious and in awe as he was earlier, so that was a good sign. Me talking made his lips turn up in a smile though, which instantly, made me smile back. I couldn’t be upset with him. I had to give him a chance, like Michael said. 

He was  _ trying,  _ and that meant something. No, it meant more than I’d openly admit to him right now. The fact that he’d called was step one of several, and I wasn’t going to overlook that.

**“I just want you to know that I wasn’t trying to push up on you, or make you feel uncomfortable today when I approached you. But, I missed you…and even though you didn’t talk as much as I wanted you to, I understood why you didn’t. I was also really happy that you didn’t push me away either.”** He started to explain as I got a good look a him, and noticed he was stretched across a giant bean bag chair.

**“I’m not uncomfortable being around you. And, I’m not mad at you. It was just surprising, and then, you know, there was an audience.”** I reminded him, and he nodded.

I was more comfortable around that particular group to an extent, than I would have been, say if we ended up next to each other in the mall, or at a club or something, you know, where ain’t no telling who was making whatever could have gone down bigger than it was.

**“I know. It also probably would have been a better conversation if you weren’t tipsy too...”** He added, and I shrugged softly.

**“I was just was fitting into the climate. But, tipsy or not, I was glad that you actually approached me. I would have actually felt some kind of way knowing that we were in the same place, at the same time, and you** **_didn’t_ ** **try to talk to me, again. I do want to talk, trust me. I have a lot to say.”** I explained softly, still digging into my food.

I hated how soft-spoken he made me. If Apple products didn’t have FBI grade microphones, I’d probably sound like I was speaking in the tone of Janet Jackson or Jhene right now.

**“Well, good. I missed hearing your voice. Even though you’re all whispery and shit, like Janet.”** He insisted, and I chuckled softly.

**“Shut up. I want you to know that I’m willing to try and work things out with you when it comes to Celeste, but you have to understand that we have unresolved issues ourselves that we need to work through too.”** It was getting harder for me to look at him, focusing seriously, staring directly at me, and giving me all of his attention.

Seventeen year old me would have been sticky as fuck. Twenty nine year old me just crossed her legs, ’cause…. bitch, same, wow. I adjusted myself in the seat and he looked up at me, and I continued speaking before I lost my train of thought.

**“I’m not the same person you remembered being with the last time we were together… and I know you’ve been plotting on me with Michael for a minute, but I’m not really as hopeful as he is about it. It’s going to be harder on my end for me to make a smooth transition between what we used to have, what we could have had, and whatever lies in the future for us now.”** I was trying to keep my emotions out of this for now, and taking a business standpoint from the whole thing.

**“I get that. ’Cause I know you, and I know you’re holding in a bunch of emotions at the situation itself and the shit that surrounds it, and maybe even still at me. Our chemistry had a break, and we have to get associated with each other for a third fucking time… I know exactly what you mean. It’s going to be tough. So, yeah, we’re going to have to address those issues when they come up too.”** He smiled a little, and I smiled back in understanding. 

Yeah, okay.

**“Exactly. And I know** **_you,_ ** **and I know that you’re still in love with me, so, hey. You’re right. We have to get associated and reacclimated to each other’s lives again, for real… but like I said, at the end of the day, I know you. And, your ass loves to push buttons and all of the boundaries when it comes to being around me. I knew you were restraining yourself earlier, and it might end up becoming a bigger issue later on, and I can’t fault you for that.”** I licked my bottom lip, and he shook his head.

**“Let’s not focus on that right now. I just wanna talk about things between us first. I wanna talk about the drama. Even if you’ve let it go, handled it, came to peace with it, or was just waiting until you had the opportunity to go in on me in person… can we get into that now? I just want us to talk now, so tomorrow isn’t awkward.”** He insisted, and I nodded gently.

He wasn’t asking for much, because he knew how I operated for the most part, and I was sure that he also knew he wasn’t going to get  _ everything  _ out of me in one sitting. 

**“Okay, so what? What do you want to know first?”** I asked, dipping the artichoke into the marinara sauce, and looking at him out of the corner of my eye.

**“Shit. Everything.”**

**“Everything like what?”** I parroted, watching him sit up in the chair and get comfortable.

He was thinking hard about it at first, but then, he sat his phone up on something, and grabbed his second phone, rubbed his eyes, and I’m pretty sure he pulled up a list. 

Oh, he knew me too well, seeing as he kept a list of his own.

I had to brace myself for this, and I was ready to immediately answer whatever he wanted to know. I could be candid and raw with him without holding back anything, and I loved him for that very reason. 

**“Go get your glasses.”** I grunted, and seconds later he pulled back with frames on his face.

**“I like your glasses.”**

**“I bet you do.”**

**“Can you just… shut the fuck up, and let me know what you want to talk about?”**

**“Why couldn’t we catch up and sit down until her first birthday? How did we even get to the point to where you were like, yo, my period is late, to being there with me to confirm it, to blocking the fuck out of me, and not involving me in the entire pregnancy?”** He asked, immediately going for the throat. 

I licked marinara sauce from the corner of my mouth and looked at him, eyebrow up. 

**“You need me to run the whole series of events back from my perspective? ’Cause you know that I will.”** I didn’t need to think about it, but I had to drink some of my lemonade and sit up a little before I launched into that. He was looking at me so patiently that I thought the call had frozen.

**“I do. I want you to start from the beginning.”** He rubbed his jaw, and I rolled my eyes at him for a second, but pulled in my attitude. 

I poured the marinara over the avocado and arugula, and busied myself with eating instead of focusing on his face. He made me squirm in the seat for a minute, and I had to laugh at that.

**“I hope your phone is charged, like I said…”** I reminded him, and he nodded.

**“I’m on like seventy eight percent, so stop stalling, and start talking.”**

Man. I glanced down at the topics listed, and while  _ “the disappearance”  _ was there, the events that led to it wasn’t. I really didn’t want to be haunted by the past, but I knew it was going to be something he wanted to discuss.

So, shit. Here goes nothing.


	4. talk to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> call me, ooh if you need me...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading, liking, and supporting me!

3 | talk to me

**“Aiight, so… A few weeks after Barry and Alex’s wedding, you specifically came to our apartment on some other shit, high as fuck, you remember this, right? I couldn’t find you for four fucking days after you were soooo happy that we’d be parents, and then you flipped the fuck out on me… you remember all of that, right?”** I took a long drink of the lemonade, and crossed my legs as he clenched his jaw again, but nodded.

**“So, after we got into it and I left, I was so fucking sure that we were done. I wasn’t going to spend another year or two playing the back and forth game with you. Especially not while pregnant, ’cause what the fuck was** **_that_ ** **going to play out as?”** I scrunched up my face, and he shook his head.

**“It wouldn’t have been anything good, anything I could even figure out how to fix or repair by the time it had gotten out.”** He admitted, and I nodded.

**“Exactly. We both knew that. That was really the problem from the jump. We didn’t know how to approach the situation or address it, so when you left and got to thinking about it, I’m pretty sure whoever you rapped to about it wasn’t giving you the same outlook that I could.”** I pressed my lips together, and he nodded solemnly.

**“And even though we had gotten into it plenty of times before, it wasn’t enough to make me go anywhere. Back then, when shit started getting bad for you, and you started having war flashbacks, and started doing whatever you could to escape that, I was still there. Even when you tried to hide it from me, I knew I had to either help you cope, or let you figure out how to do it on your own. So, when it was obvious that I either had to go, or sit and allow myself to not only be hurt by you, but lose you as a whole, I decided to go.”**

As soon as I started talking, my phone kept interrupting me with texts and notifications, despite being on  _ do not disturb.  _ I pushed away from the kitchen counter and walked into the living room, and situated myself on the couch as I grabbed the iPad instead.

**“Hold on, let me switch…”** I hung up and called him from the iPad instead, which he answered most likely as soon as it popped up. 

**“Well damn, did it even ring once?”** I shook my head before I got comfortable enough to get back into recalling the events for him.

**“So, you left me, and then…”** He waved me off, and I narrowed my eyes at him.

I laughed softly at his anticipation before I remembered where I was, and kept talking.

**“First person I called was Michael, and despite being busy, he answered immediately. He was concerned about me, and let me crash with him for a few nights while he was out here. I told you I wasn’t coming back. I meant that from the bottom of my heart, and what did you do? You ran the fuck away, and I wake up a couple of days later after I’ve got my head together, and you and Karrueche are together at the beach like it’s nothing.”** I sucked my teeth and sighed softly, because I could feel myself starting to raise my voice.

He was just letting me talk, and I sucked my teeth again before I continued.

**“I didn’t want to deal with you. I didn’t want to be around you. I was pissed, and I didn’t want you to explain shit to me at all.** **_You_ ** **were the one to make sure that we’d be able to have some space to move around, so I had places I could go, and technically speaking, if you were to follow me, I couldn’t make you leave, ’cause we signed all of the leases together.”** I admitted, and he frowned.

**“I should have followed you.”** He insisted, and I scoffed. 

**“You** **_should_ ** **have, but didn’t.”**

**“You and I both know that for the first time since we’d gotten back together, you got caught up in new pussy, somebody who would do whatever you wanted to just because you asked, and I hated you for bringing someone else into** **_our_ ** **situation. I honestly wasn’t trying to deal with you, for real. If you were going to get something poppin’ off with that bitch because I wasn’t giving you what you wanted, I wasn’t sticking around for it.”** I inhaled softly as I drank my lemonade, because  _ she  _ was truly a thorn in my side when it came to him.

The situation he had with her was his answer to Michael and I. She was his way of trying to one up me, which spiraled out of control for all of the wrong reasons. I just shook my head at all of it, to be honest. She had been trying to find someone to use for  _ years,  _ and I knew her type. When she tried to use my brother, it was funny. She moved in a circle of people I cared about for  _ years,  _ and his stupid ass just had to be the one who didn’t heed the warnings given.

I didn’t want her around for too long. I knew sneaky. I used to be well versed in being sneaky. She claimed she just wanted advice, just wanted pointers, and support in the beginning. That was never going to fly with me, whether they were just friends, or not. 

He was disrespectful as shit with that girl, and she was too damned caught up in who he was while she struggled to get him to claim her, and down the line, she looked very stupid while she was trying to use him to gain her own career and boost her status, only to truly never see the bigger picture at the end of the day. 

I couldn’t fucking  _ stand  _ her. Even though I’ve long made my peace with my personal reasons towards my dislike and the situation revolving around it, I hope she’s making better decisions now that she’s moved on, hopping around someone else now.

**“Me and you were supposed to be solid as fuck. I didn’t give you shit about anything back then, I just gave you space. I knew you were still healing mentally, still trying to hold yourself together, and you needed the support that I could give you. You needed me to help you get through it, you needed me to be there for you, ’cause you were always there for me when I needed you, but to find someone else to give you the shit I wouldn’t, fucked me up. I knew when it made sense for me to leave you the fuck alone.”** I explained, and he shook his head.

**“It took me a long time to realize how bad it was. At first it was fun, it was a rush, she never said no, and I could do whatever. She was enabling all of the fuckery I was into because she wanted to do whatever I was doing, just to be around me.”** He explained, and I shook my head. 

I didn’t need an explanation.

**“After we’d gotten back together** **_after_ ** **the Robyn fiasco, I told you I wasn’t leaving your side again, and I fucking meant that. Even though we were on and off for school and the demand of your fame, but we still had each other. I wasn’t going** **_anywhere,_ ** **I just knew I wasn’t about to fail school for you, and I needed to concentrate. Did I care then that we weren’t together for real, and you used her to fill that empty spot she could** **_never_ ** **fill? No. Because you knew like I knew that I’d find something if it appealed to me, and I did. We stuck it out through the entire situation between you and dumbass faking the funk because you wanted me to believe she was just around to style you, when you were being trifling as hell behind her back just to keep me close to you.”** I was resurrecting my emotions and wasn’t even trying to. 

It had been a long time since I could speak about the situation without having emotional ties to it, but that seemed to no longer be the case as my tone took on a disrespected cadence.

**“I never gave a fuck how you treated her because you’d never do me like that, until you finally tried to. You really fuckin’ tried it. Nigga before that, we walked down a fucking wedding aisle at Barry’s wedding and you couldn’t** **_wait_ ** **until that would be us, and I will never forget how I felt when you told me that shit. I was with it. I was ready! So how’d we fall off, Chris? How? When you fucked up when I told you I was pregnant, you fucked up for good.** **_You_ ** **started getting inconsistent and the best thing to do was to give you space, but that’s all that was supposed to be. Space! Temporary shit!”**

He shook his head at me, and I shrugged non-committedly. It was the truth.

**“While I was here with Michael, one week turned into two, which turned into a month, and I had my mind made up. I wasn’t staying in LA with you, but I knew I couldn’t stay here with him either. I wasn’t even showing yet, so I could still do shit. I went back to New York, and I spent some nights in Harlem while I was preparing to move back there, and I waited to see if you would come, and you didn’t.”** I was inching towards the bigger issue now, the true root of the problem, and it was making my chest tight as I spat out my emotions, trying to tone down the malice they held.

**“You didn’t come. We weren’t talking. I wasn’t answering** **_anybody’s_ ** **questions about what had happened. I can’t even call that a break, ’cause I didn’t know if I really wanted to go back to you. I debated about it for a while, until I figured I was calm enough, and wanted to call you and tell you where I was, what I was doing, and what was going to happen next, but when I called, it ended up being a different conversation.”** I pursed my lips as I noticed I needed to slow down on my lemonade - it was almost gone, and I didn’t want to move.

**“I wanted to tell you all of those things, but bad news found me first. Shocking the fuck out of me, I find out that you’re in Miami with that lil’ brawd. You were doing what you always do. You were running the fuck away from the true issue. But, at least that time, you finally answered when I called, and I told you I was done, and I blocked you.”** I felt my face getting hot as I trapped my tongue between my teeth for a second, giving him an opening to speak.

**“I really was trying to call you back then Kacie, from both phones. Shit, I even took her phone and tried to call you from her phone, but you ain’t answer that either.”** He explained, and I shrugged my shoulders at him.

**“Her number had been blocked since the moment she called herself calling** **_me,_ ** **asking where** **_you_ ** **were way before I even got pregnant, and you knew that.”** I sucked my teeth as he furrowed his brow, and I wondered if he was going to snap.

**“Anyway, I had gotten the job with VH1, and I was gone, and I wasn’t fucking with you or anything else that had to deal with you. The last thing I needed was stress weighing me down.”** I ran my hand through my hair as he watched me, with his eyes on fire, focused, and glaring directly at me.

**“I wasn’t about to lose my kid, watching you do stupid shit. 2011 and 2012 were really two of the most confusing, most revealing, happiest and simultaneously shittiest years of my life. But, I was going to be happy with or without you, so it made sense for me to create space between us.”** I explained, watching the discomfort in his face. 

**“Damn.”** He uttered, as I folded myself up on the couch.

**“The best thing for me to do when I wasn’t trying to think about you was to stay busy. Even though I had been working at VH1 for a while, doing work on various shows as a writer and working on a bunch of freelance shit, I also started on a project of my own. I started writing out my feelings, and eventually, that became a script. I started taking classes for screenwriting. I had to do something with all of these emotions and feelings, and I found something to effectively distract me from you.”** I explained, redirecting my emotions, and talking about my goals and dreams that I was able to achieve without losing myself in my relationship with him.

**“I was doing a damned good job at keeping up with that distraction, and I was six months pregnant when your ass finally found out that I was okay, and that’s** **_only_ ** **because your momma found me in Brooklyn.”** I shook my head, remembering how Jayhawk ran up on me in the middle of Brooklyn Fare, and she surprisingly cursed him out when he answered the phone for her because he didn’t want to talk to me.

Pride was getting in the way of both of us, and we were foolish and stupid as fuck. By that point, I had made our Harlem spot that was originally the apartment he shared with his Mom a home for just  _ me  _ and Celeste, who I wasn’t sure what to call yet. Michael had moved in with me before he started shooting Red Tails, and despite having multiple projects lined up, he was one of the few people who respected my privacy about the situation, and got me through the pregnancy.

I hated how I sat up for a long time, waiting for him to just  _ pop up.  _ It had become my biggest fantasy, and in the same breath, one of my biggest hopes. It was literally the one thing I was betting on, especially after running into his Momma, so I could have  _ some hope  _ of making things right between us, but he never did show up.

That was the biggest issue between the two of us.

**“I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to be there for all of it, especially when she was born, and I figured you’d have her in New York. Part of me thought you were going to go back to your Dad’s house in Virginia, maybe stay with Alex and B, or your sister’s place in Chicago… I was looking, but I was looking in all of the wrong places, Kacie. I knew there was no way in hell I could just show up on Daz’s doorstep. She’d fuck me up.”** He explained, as I felt myself welling up with frustrated, annoyed tears.

**“I didn’t originally have plans to be in Australia for Supafest, but I also couldn’t stop working either. You know I would have cancelled if I would have known she was gonna come when** **_she_ ** **was ready to. I was gonna go back to Harlem or Brooklyn and find me somewhere to stay, so by the time May rolled around, I’d be ready. I was all set to show up, prepare to talk rationally and calmly, and show you that I could be there for you, but it didn’t happen like it should have. I had plans, I really did.”** He explained, which made me inhale hard, in an attempt to cover up the fact that I was crying.

As much as I was certain that he wasn’t bullshitting me, that didn’t matter. Celeste was a month early though, so whatever he was intending on doing, just like I had some last minute plans of my own, didn’t matter by then. Her original due date of May 7th 2012, two days after his birthday, became April 7th real quick, with her impatient ass. The fact that he was trying to move closer most likely wouldn’t even had appealed to me back then as I was nearing the end of the pregnancy, ’cause he was  _ still  _ showing his ass.

**“You were still showing your ass though, so, hey. I just couldn’t stomach it. 2012 bled into 2013, and it was nothing but a messy ass series of events for you.”** I frowned as I started to recount events on my fingers, highlighting them for him.

**“So, while you’re out, contemplating if its possible for you to be in love with multiple people, fighting over Robyn in the club, letting Robyn tell the world that she still loves you, bullshitting in San Tropez, going in and out of Rehab, crashing cars, being targeted, going through court issues, posing for single covers, caking in the studio, falling for the same old bullshit, and having stupid bitches beg for gas money and give you the emotional run around, I was at home with Michael, and** **_our_ ** **daughter.”** I was making him grimace, and I could see him sitting back and thinking about what I was saying, really putting himself in that place, and it made me stuck my teeth. 

**“Getting back with you wasn’t a reality for me. You spent a nice chunk of the first few years of our daughter’s life trying to get back with Robyn, entertaining that, and dealing with Karrueche’s dumbass, while I distanced myself and was done for good. I refocused all of my emotions into something else, not someone else, and I got busy while she was still being nursed and adjusting.”**  He knew this wasn’t shit but the truth, and hearing it from my mouth was better than any version of how I was doing that ever could have been reported back to him.

**“I missed you, a lot. I missed you every single day, but I knew it wasn’t worth the emotional tragedy to even** **_try_ ** **and reach out to you.”** I shook my head as I looked at him, captivating all of his attention as I talked.

**“I wasn’t going to be another angle in whatever the fuck you were doing with Robyn, who I’m sure was bored, and Karrueche’s stupid ass. Nope. Not ya girl. You know me better than to think I was going to take your ass back after I spent months watching you show your ass like that. But, despite your Momma attempting to be there and support me, knowing that this was your kid and not Michael’s, it** **_still_ ** **wasn’t enough to knock some sense into your ass.”** I tried my hardest not to tear into him, or tear up at the reminder of the whole ordeal.

**“I was fucking stupid, Kacie.”**

**“You really were. You were being stupid as fuck, and you fucked up! You can’t take back the whole thing either, ’cause you only get one first, and I swear to God, I never thought it was going to be like that. Michael had been there for literally everything else, all the way down to the baby shower, and me having a gender reveal party, so it shouldn’t have surprised you when everyone was so certain that he was her daddy. The celebratory shit was fine, but I wanted you to at least be there for the birth.”** I reminded him as my stomach plummeted, and my leg started shaking with impatience.

**“I wanted you to see her be born, and you could sign the birth certificate. We talked about that. I specifically unblocked you in order to call you, and I know your ass got all of my voicemails. So, I figured that you had other shit to deal with. I hated waking up every morning, seeing you doing stupid shit with Karrueche or following Robyn around, knowing that if you** **_really_ ** **wanted to see me, you knew where the fuck I was.”** I explained, without feeling any kind of way about it.

**“But, after Karrueche made damned out sure you wasn’t going to see your daughter be born, I was done. Watching the video your mom managed to send you ain’t the same thing, and I know you got it. Celeste has** **_my_ ** **last name. She could have been a Brown had you’d been there, and I can’t stress how important is is that I actually wanted you to be. Even if you’d told Mike to take care of her, basically pushing all of your parental obligations and duties onto a man who wasn’t even my boyfriend at the time, you could have at least been there.”**

He was silent then, and the screen was rocking, so I figured he was shaking his leg out of nervousness and anxiousness. I had been too. I hoped none of this was going to trigger the fuck out of him, but he  _ did  _ ask. I just had to say it. I had to get it off of my chest. I was trying to tone down my delivery, and had to edit myself, but I wasn’t doing too good of a job.

To this day, despite all of the progress I had made, talking about the situation in depth, especially to put him in my shoes, which I had yet to approach in any other way than just ranting and venting and purging my emotions about it from time to time, I was still in pain. The entire situation itself was still raw. My feelings were perpetually hurt over what I had lost, how it had gone down, and how it played out when it was all said and done.

**“I am so sorry.”**

**“That’s something I had to come to terms with on my own. I wanted to just spend time, doing things for myself, making myself be comfortable with being a mother, and I couldn’t do it with the world trying to figure out what was going on with me, so I did what I did best. I disappeared.”**

**“You did. Is that… is that it?”** He asked softly, and I shook my head. 

**“I had to vent to you, so I went a little deep here and there, but really, that’s it. I’m sure you won’t have to hear it again.”** I was crying again. 

I didn’t realize it until I felt teardrops fall onto my shirt, and my nose had started to drip. I frowned as I leaned into the coffee table and pulled back with a box of Puffs.

**“The pressure made you disappear?”** He asked, and I nodded.

**“Pretty much. I was just done. I was** **_done_ ** **. You know when I’m over you, it takes so much before we can get back on track, and it always revolves around the same bitches, or the same issues. I just… couldn’t keep doing it. This time was nothing like the time before. No matter how many times I wanted to put my pride, and anger, and attitude aside, I couldn’t be bothered with you, especially after she was born. I knew that she was going to take up so much of my time that I wouldn’t have time to fuck with anyone or anything else.”**

In the beginning, I figured, stay busy. Give him space. Give everyone space. If they cared, they’ll come to you. They’ll respect your privacy, and allow you to be sad, to grieve after the breakup, get through postpartum recovery, you know, what the fuck ever. 

I had tuned so many people out and pretty much became a hermit as far as me having a personal life went. As long as I had something to focus on, I was fine with the company of a select few. I started building a nursery, picking out baby names, obsessing over my pregnancy as a whole, taking videos and pictures that remained private, and eventually, I stopped feeling bad about being lowkey about the whole thing. 

As soon as I could, I got back to writing my script. I started writing a mockery of our whole relationship, just to keep my hands busy. I figured, if I could write it all down and be in control of the whole thing, I wouldn’t break my own damned heart. That’s how my original web series,  _ Supposed To Be  _ was born. It kept me busy, and I needed that.

**“I wanted to see her.”**

**“You weren’t ready. I sent pictures to your momma in the beginning… we got through 2012 and before I knew it, she was one, you’d popped up and left, and after that, I wanted more, but things weren’t going good for you anymore. She told me y’all were going through it too. You were spiraling out, she said. Getting bad. Needing rehab and shit. You threw a rock at her car window? Why would I want my baby around that?”** I swallowed softly, trying to control my growing emotions at the situation.

**“You couldn’t hold it together. Back when we got back together in 2010, I was worried, but I was there for you. I still cared about you, still gave a fuck, still wanted to try, and we were doing good in 2011, I had graduated from College, I moved to LA with you for good, and then I was pregnant before September, and after that, it was like, fuck you… Fast forward to 2013, and nothing was the same. 2014 was no better, ’cause you ended up in and out of rehab, and then you were in jail. In 2015, there was more drama, constant drama, and then, surprise! A baby! Like, what the fuck? When was I ever going to find the time to catch up with you?”**

I don’t know when I had gotten up, but I had. I was pacing. I was still venting, snapping, and I was actually getting pissed off as I ripped off old bandaids.

I hadn’t resorted to talking about this with anyone but a literal handful of people I could trust, including my therapist. It was never the topic of any in-depth discussions about the climate of my series, about my personal demons, about the things that had hurt me, but it made for good storytelling.

Talking to the main person who was a major player in all of this, and to be reminded of the true and raw emotions the situations put me through set me off. I knew when I was going to talk to him about it, all of it, it was going to really take me back, and I needed to make sure I got it all out of my system now.

**“I constantly told you while we were still together that you were going to crack under the pressure when things came to be too much to bear, and instead of cracking flat out, you started wilding out. I told you, if this shit is going to become a problem, I’m not going to be able to hold you together. We couldn’t keep growing if you wouldn’t face the fact that you needed help.”** I reminded him, and he winced.

**“And you can’t say that I didn’t give you a chance, despite everything you had going on. By the time Les was one, I figured, okay, I could at** **_least_ ** **post a public baby picture to kick things off, and shut some people up. So, I did, and before I knew it, I had managed to get you to New York, finally. FINALLY!”** My anger had shifted as I looked at him, wincing, still following my tirade. I sat back down, dropping hard on the couch, and balled up again.

**“I hadn’t been as happy as I was in that moment in a long ass time. When you finally got to see her, and hold her, and you were finally here, and we were together for just that week… I don’t know. It was** **_different_ ** **.”**

It really fucked me up. It was the shortest week of my life, and at that point and time, I could have honestly tried to work something out with him, but I knew it wasn’t going to be anything easy. It wasn’t going to change things overnight though.

**“You didn’t try as hard to change things when we could have.”** He said, and I turned on him quickly as I frowned.

**“That wasn't all up to me. Why would I put forth all of the effort? And I damned sure wasn’t going to beg your ass either. What were you really going to do then, Chris? You knew she existed prior to that. It wasn’t like I hid the shit from you. I told your ass as soon as I missed my period. It wasn’t like it was a surprise, oops baby. We had already been having pregnancy risk sex since we’d gotten back together, first of all. Don’t act like we both weren’t aware of the possibility of pregnancy, or the aftermath of our decisions. You had to make the choice yourself to be a father to your child. I couldn’t do that for you.”** I craned my neck, and he exhaled hard.

**“When I was ready to sit down and talk, I couldn’t find you, Kacie.”** He insisted, and I shook my head. I didn’t want to hear it, as much as I knew I needed to listen.

**“But, you knew where the fuck I was. You knew I had moved to New York, and I wasn’t going to be anywhere too far from places that were familiar and comfortable. Even before you came over to my new place, you could have found me if you tried hard enough to.”**

**“But, we both know that you not knowing wasn’t the issue, the issue was that you didn’t show up. You didn’t drop everything and even attempt to, you just** **_ran_ ** **the fuck away, just like I did. We’re both to blame for that.”** I shook my head at him. I had no problem owning up to the fact that I disappeared because I couldn’t deal. 

**“And then, to fan the flames of the fire between us, the bigger issue on your end was that you weren’t willing to change anything you were doing in order to be better for her, so why would I fucking force you to? I can’t force you to do a damned thing that you don’t want to, not back then, and not now, either.** **_You_ ** **had threw in the towel before things even had gotten kicked off.** **_You_ ** **specifically told another man to do the shit for you. You didn’t try.”**

I pressed my lips together. I didn’t want to argue, and I was raising my voice, I knew I was. I was still crying, but I was just angry about all of it, still. At least, the fact that I had to be reminded of all of this, really fucking took me somewhere I hadn’t been in a  _ while. _

I heard Michael in the kitchen, and could feel him looking at me. I looked over my shoulder for a second, trying to crane my neck to see him, and saw him leaning against the wall, watching me.

I wiped my face as I sighed softly and turned back towards the iPad, arms across my chest. He wasn’t trying to argue with me about it, and for that, I was thankful. I was trying to hard not to get out of pocket, but if he wanted to get it out in the open now, before we even thought about figuring something out, I was going to end up doing my fair share of yelling.

I took a deep breath. It was quiet for a minute, and I took another one.

**“So, instead of trying to reach out to me, to see if we could do something, what our options were, you shut down, like you’re good at doing. Not being able to call you when I wanted to was one thing, no matter who I was with. They both eventually found out that you were pregnant about two months before you were due, and that didn’t help the situation for me either. I wasn’t processing the situation like I should have. And, I couldn’t really explain things, or even have any kind of details to back me up when I tried to explain it to them, and especially not to you, ’cause you just…. fucking disappeared.”** His face was flushed and his ears were red as he spoke through his teeth, and I stared blankly at him.

**“I had to do that for the sake of my sanity, my wellbeing, and so I could figure some shit out. I was serious about just falling off and going ghost, so nobody could give me shit about it. My privacy has always been important. You know this. I wasn’t going to fuck that up, once it would have gotten out that you had a baby on the way.”**

While he was snowballing down in a bad direction, I was just trying to keep busy, and stay busy. I was working hard at maintaining my independence and doing shit for  _ me,  _ so me and my daughter would be fine. 

I was serious about utilizing my new hobby to further gain that same independence from him too, especially when it became an outlet to escape from everything that was bothering me. It had the chance to turn into a profession, and you know, it was still useful for my degree as I managed to move around. While he was in and out of court, rehab, and jail, I was in graduate school, getting my Masters Degree, writing my show, and finding a new direction for my talents.

**“And, no time while you were doing any of that did you just stop and think we couldn’t sit down and talk about things before time got away from us?”** He asked, and I scoffed. 

He hit a nerve, again.

**“What the fuck did you think was going to happen? We’d pop up together after all of your  bad press, and they’d see a baby on my hip, who looks just like your ass, and then it would be literally** ** _everywhere,_** **and how was that going to play out for you?** **How was that not going to be thrown in my face, considering what the fuck you’d spent the years before doing after we broke up?”** I asked, really wanting to know.

**“You know how the overanalyzing of the situation, the fact that we weren’t together, and anything else that they could hang over your head wouldn’t have faired well for you, and it was definitely going to bother the fuck out of me. I wasn’t going to let nosey motherfuckers ruin that for me with their opinion. I never had, and I wasn’t about to start.”**

I was determined not to let our daughter become a gossip topic that everyone would find a way to attack either of us about. As my career moves switched up, I put all of my focus into my work. I became a recluse for real. I deleted all of my social media apps, and deactivated Facebook. I blocked a lot of people and stopped giving a lot of people my energy. 

People who had the nerve to come up to me, like the people I had started to work with, and had got to know in my classes, all wanted to know the truth behind the pregnancy, the breakup, the rumors that came with it, and whatever else was buzzing. I never spoke on it, and they didn’t have to ask after a while.

Once Celeste was born, she eventually came to work with me, and was there in my graduation photos, which had been published online. You could just look at her and tell,  _ “yeah, that’s him.” _ I didn’t have to say anything, and I was thankful that nobody else had spoke for me either.

I had spared him of so much. He didn’t need to make it a bigger deal than it was that I had.

**“I spared you the extra analyzation when you were already being picked apart by everything else you did, so be thankful for that. To this fucking day, there’s literally only been two instances in which someone has had the audacity to attempt to expose or investigate your oldest daughter, and I shut the shit the fuck down immediately.”**

**“If people were going to talk about me, I didn’t want them to talk about me just for the sake of talking about you. I wanted them to talk about my work, which, unlike the other motherfuckers you’ve been with, had to deal with you, but it didn’t make you look like an asshole, a user, paint you as a monster, or any of that. I wanted them to talk about my work. I put work first, making that of a higher importance. They wanted something to talk about, and that was there for them to do so with.”**

**“Better than you dragging me too, I guess.”** He uttered, and I shook my head.

**“I guess.”** Fuck.

This was going to be harder than I thought it would be.


	5. understanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what i need from you is understanding....

4 | Understanding

I’m surprised he hasn’t hung up.

It had been a bunch of back and forth for a while, but no more arguing. We switched gears and he asked about the show, skirted around talking about Donald, and he changed the topic again, curious about the webseries. After he’d told me that he hadn’t really watched it, seconds later, he insisted that now was a better time than never, right?

I just sat there, eyebrow up, watching. He pulled up YouTube on his TV, and went straight to his ’watch later’ section. I sat there as he clicked on the first episode of  _ Supposed To Be,  _ and I don’t think I’ve exhaled or said anything since then. He was hella into it. The first episode was only like twenty five minutes tops, but he hadn’t torn away from it since it started. 

I honestly thought he would turn away as soon as the show actually started, because the opening scene of episode one was a sex scene. He sat through it though, and hadn’t turned his head away yet. I had the pleasure of watching his real time reactions of the episode, and my emotions started to shift. I was following by dialogue alone, and sat quietly, watching him watch it, and smiling softly at his first time reactions.

_ Supposed To Be was  _ concocted based off of a night of twenty questions with Daz. She had come through for dinner like she always had, but it was a rough night for me. Joyce had called earlier -- Chris had a seizure, and we talked for about five minutes about how he was, how he was stressed, and things like that, and I remembered telling her the invitation for him to pop up was always open. If he wanted to get away from his problems, I’d try and help. 

Daz sat by while I talked, and after the call was over, she grilled the hell out of me. At one point during the night, she wondered, “ _ How would your relationship with Chris be if you and Michael were together first, and he was the one to come in and flip it upside down for you? Could you imagine how fucked up  _ that  _ would be?” _

She wondered if I would go through the same drama, and same set of circumstances, and I hadn’t really sat down and thought about it in depth before. I hated Daz for asking me that, but it got me to thinking, and that got me writing, fast.

Originally, it wasn’t going to be anything I did anything with, let alone star in my damned self when it came down to bringing it to life. Acting was nothing new for me, but it was just a hobby. I’d my first cameo spot way back in Takers during one of the several resumed shoots, and it actually wasn’t too bad. I picked up a couple of walk on roles while me and Chris were still working out the kinks of being back together by the time 2010 had rolled around, just to stay busy. I enjoyed it enough to consider taking acting classes for fun.

Acting was just a hobby, y’know? It gave me something to do, but I couldn’t fully get into it with graduation being so close. I also had a job then, working at Vibe. I was proud of it, but I wanted to experience more stuff, have fun, and make more connections and money in the process. Before I knew it though, I had managed to juggle that into my already packed schedule too.

I was into the acting thing for real, making weekend money as an extra on occasion, but I could only juggle and dedicate my time to  _ so much.  _ I needed to figure out a balance, but still. As I started writing and it really turned into something major, or at least, had the promise to become that, I knew what I wanted to do. I didn’t just want to act, I wanted to do it all. Write, act, produce, create… I wanted to do all of that. 

I had a new mission to accomplish now.

I wanted to learn in the ins and outs of everything. I wanted to experience as much as I could. With a push from Daz, I took 12 week screenwriting class at NYFA while I was still working at VH1, and contemplating turning my then, 64 page, roughly five episode screenplay into something else. 

I conquered that and considered going up for a degree, which meant going back to NYU. I continued working, traveling around, sometimes with Celeste and without, and I kept chasing my goals. I just wanted to explore what my options were outside of talking about people who had made it, or reporting on what they were doing, how they were shaping the culture, and how I’d gotten in good with them. 

I wanted to  _ be  _ one of them, but life came at me fast, and eventually, I had abandoned that idea, with a promise not to let it die for good. 

I had forgotten about my desire to get into filmmaking and acting until I got into playing around with scripts and some minimalist filmmaking, a little bit after the screenwriting class was done, and I had been offered a job to work on a new VH1 drama series, which had eventually been pushed to BET, but I stayed on for that. Before that, I was just shooting shit on my phone, including two music videos for Donald, but I knew this was my next step.

I was back to having my grabby ass hands in everything, which evolved into screenwriting, producing, and eventually, acting. The shift from behind the scenes to in front of them was the most exciting part of my journey so far, really. Chris hadn’t been there to experience any of it, and to be honest, I was kinda excited when it came to sharing this new life with him.

I really had Donald to thank for giving me the push into this crazy, chaotic world though. I’ll never forget how when  _ Supposed To Be  _ had first debuted back in 2014, he had my back. Chris didn’t know of any of this. The actual web series was kicked off around the time Celeste was almost two, and I was just doing it for me. 

Donald was there since day one, supporting me and getting me through the whole ordeal. With Mike, Daz, Issa on standby, and a couple of other connects and friends I’d made while I was back and forth between New York and Los Angeles, I felt like this could be what I was going to do with my life.

I was nervous to put my work out there, but Donald had my back, and for a while, it was funny how it was kicked back and forth, that _we_ should do something. He was going to help, so I mean, we _did_ do something _,_ but fuck, as that developed we really ended up doing _something._

God, that really kicked something off, in more ways than one, and when people started talking about me, like always, people wanted to talk relationships. They wanted to talk about  _ me  _ though, just me, what this was, what I was doing, how I had gotten here _ ,  _ and I was actually okay with it. 

People wanted to know more about me, and they had started to trace my path from beginning to end, trying to figure out how I got here. There were many posts and interviews that popped up that were pretty spot on about my journey as I had started to see my picture on websites, and in little side columns in print and online. I was twenty four, a college graduate who was considering graduate school, a mother of one, and upcoming actress, writer, producer, and web series creator.

I didn’t care about people tracing my goals and my resume, not at all. The majority of the, _ “Who is Kacie?” _ coverage got around in the beginning, right after Celeste’s second birthday. I remember it vividly as fuck. Les turned two, and I was one year away from graduating from NYU for a second time, with this degree being my Master of Fine Arts with a concentration in Dramatic Writing. 

2014 was wild, and back then, I was still a little bit rough around the edges when it came to people talking about me. This was still in the beginning, when wounds were still fresh despite the time that had passed. When life was hectic as fuck, but you better believe, I was gonna do it. 

My last semester of graduate school was hard as hell, ’cause I had my hand in a little bit of every pot I could get it into. This was back when I was still working at day, taking classes at night, or online, however I could, all while making sure to get out in the streets and get some exposure. This was when I had dropped thousands of dollars on camera equipment, and worked my way through sets and scripts and screenplays of my own or per assignment, planned my trip to the Cannes Film Festival, and then would slide back to concoct the next episode of  _ Marrying The Game _ and  _ Love And Hip Hop  _ with the rest of the writers team.

It was when I’d get exhausted as fuck, would forget to feed myself, and would sometimes just cry myself to sleep. It was stressful, even with help. I would have my dad drive up and feed me and Les from time to time, and my Momma would send me meals from her restaurant in overnight shipments, to remind me to eat. I would fall asleep with Les in my arms still, but I managed.

I constantly told myself, “ _ yeah, it might be hard, but you’re gonna do this shit on your own, you got this!” _

This was back when people would commend my hustle for deciding to go back to work on shows like _ Love and Hip Hop _ , and still go to school while I was doing my own writing, or trying to get into other writers rooms. I was invested by then,  _ especially  _ when we got to LA, and I was a little too involved in the storylines. This was back when Michael had movie after movie lined up, which left me to find solace in Donald’s company more than ever, just to push this forward for me. 

This was back when Donald would stay up with me, writing what ended up being the first season of  _ Atlanta _ while I buried my head in his lap and churned out scene after scene on Scriptly. I had decided to use the camera equipment I had spent so much money on to actually shoot something other than music videos. I decided to turn the old script I had concocted into a new draft, which would become a web series. This was when I’d write and write and ask for his ideas, and tell him,  _ “you’re doing this with me,” _ and he’d say  _ “okay, fine,” _ while he constantly convinced me to download Final Pro.

Back then, I wanted exposure as long as they talked about me. But, after I started shooting, after I shot that first scene with Donald, that infamous sex scene intro, that broke new ground for me. After all of those reshoots, and when it had gotten more, “ _ huh, i like this,”  _ as it started to feel less like acting and more natural, I had to laugh at what I was getting myself into. 

I remember when season one, episode one, dropped in late 2014, right before Thanksgiving, and I didn’t know how it was going to be received, but,  _ shiiiit.  _ Everyone who’d gotten an exclusive first look fell in love immediately.

I knew then that this was it. This was what I wanted to do.

I didn’t care about anything else that anyone had to say when they mentioned me back then. But, the chemistry was always a hot topic. That  _ chemistry  _ was what gave me the reputation I had now, a damned flirt, but I couldn’t help it!

I didn’t know what they would dig up -- and yeah, there was  _ a lot  _ to cover, actually.

I got nervous in the beginning. I was involved with Donald on screen and off, which not too many people knew about. When his character Jay was credited in episode one as my co-star, eyebrows went up. His character was based on the relationship I had with Michael, and it really got people talking. Of course, they also brought up Michael as well, who made sure to pop up in the background of several scenes as a minor character named B. 

Cool. I could deal with that. By the end of episode three though,  _ everybody  _ wanted to know what was going to play out with Giana, my character, and Dante, the character I had based on Chris, who hadn’t been cast yet, just referenced to. Once Chris was confirmed to be the inspiration behind the character Dante thanks to a fuckload of messy tweets, that’s all anybody wanted to talk about for a while.

So, as the rumor mill reloaded itself, the interviews had stopped for a while, too. He came up so many times that I didn’t feel the need to elaborate on anything. When they started digging too deeply, I had to switch things up to keep everyone on their toes, and out of my business.

They didn’t hesitate to ask about him, even when I had told them I wasn’t going to discuss him. By then, he was in jail, and shit wasn’t a good look, especially when they expected me to slander him. I always told them to compare notes with whatever he’d say about the topic. 

I didn’t need to speak on him, or to him. 

I didn’t  _ want  _ to, either.

\--

**“Why have I never watched this? Holy shit, Kacie…”**

**“Fuck, I don’t know.”** I mumbled, shaking my head.

He finally paused the autoplay of episode two and turned back towards me, with a face I’d seen many times before, and it never failed to make me smile widely. Admiration was all over his face, and I was actually surprised by it.

**“Even though I’m smiling, ’cause I know that face, I honestly thought… you’d hate it. I thought you’d flip the fuck out, actually, y’know, ’cause your character hasn’t even really been established yet. Next episode, though.”** I pressed my lips together to stop rambling as he shook his head no.

**“I was, and still am proud of you for the moves that you’d made, and your work. I told you that. If talking about us hypothetically was what you needed to do in order to cope with the fact that you can’t always control everything, that was okay. I know you. I know that’s how you get. I just want you to be happy with it.”** He said, and I nodded. 

**“I just hate that I wasn’t there to experience it with you. You were all over after you were on** **_Atlanta_ ** **last season, and I couldn’t even congratulate you properly.”**

**“Ugh, don’t remind me. I can’t even front, like, sometimes… I get in my box, and I want you there for the good shit. I want you there for the bad shit, for all the shit, you know? I wanna get back there, eventually.”**

**“Shouldna never kept me blocked.”** He shrugged, and I gave him the finger, to which he responded with a head nod as to say,  _ when? _

I rolled my eyes.

I recall him sending me flowers when I was in Atlanta, but that was about it. We were still on the same wave: no pop up, no nothing. It was just another strike against him. Just like I kept him at arm’s length and knew where he was, blocked or not, before Michael’s interference, he was doing the same thing. I was gaining attention from all over, but at the same time, people were still talking about his love life, his drama, his daughter, and second baby momma when he was mentioned. 

I couldn’t escape him, despite my attempt at blocking him. A combination of curiosity and yearning to stay informed kept me in the loop, even when I didn’t want to admit I indulged in that desire from time to time. There was a circle of people online who weren’t too happy that we weren’t talking. They still had hope for Kacestopher, just like there were those with hope for Chrianna. They constantly found ways to get at me and keep me informed, even when I didn’t care. I wanted them to talk about something else, not the interactions we  _ could _ have been having if things were different between us.

**“Blocked or not, it still doesn’t change the fact that I wasn’t trying to talk about you though.”** I shrugged softly.

Once  _ Supposed To Be  _ had become  _ Used To It,  _ everyone wanted a piece of ya girl. Suddenly, everyone wanted to work with me on screen instead of behind it, and I felt ready to really do something with not only the degree I had, which proved to everyone that this wasn’t just by chance, but with the skills I had. 

I started popping up everywhere, and as much as I understood how things went, you know, being the one to talk and write about what was hype for years, it felt natural. When it was my turn to be on the other end of things, I was okay with it because I knew what I was walking into, for the most part. 

Talking was an inevitable part of the job, but just like before, when the webseries had debuted, they were all still trying to talk about my chemistry with Donald, and my past with Chris, and I didn’t bother with to go through the process of confirming or denying anything. It was aggravating as hell. 

After we had broken up, it was the same shit. Do you know how many people had approached me, wanting to sit us down together, and play Dr. Phil? How many people wanted us to be a cover story? How many times our separation was used to get somebody hits, retweets, YouTube views, and shit like that? 

I’d lost count in the beginning, when we weren’t seen together anymore. When I was spotted with Michael a couple of times before I was even showing, and the rumors started flying, things continued to spiral out of control, and I didn’t really have shit to say about it. As time went on and Celeste was born, my writing credits and face had become known, and I had finally graduated with my Masters, people didn’t hesitate to somehow, bring Chris into it.

When I started writing, directing, and acting, they’d compare me to Karrueche’s attempts at wanting to act, and whatever minute role Robyn had picked up, but those comparisons died out after a while too. Les got older and started school, and I started picking up more roles, and really enjoying acting, and then going home to write and direct my own shit, putting my work out there, and dedicating myself to it, I stopped letting what was being said get to me.

I was riding high, doing good, staying busy, positive, and not looking back to my past, unless it was to make a mockery of it. They could tell he had nothing to do with the success I’d made for myself, and I wanted it to stay that way.

**“What’s on your mind?”** I’d grabbed an apple juice from the fridge and glanced at him on the screen. He’d gotten quiet, but he was deep into his phone, and I don’t know what was distracting him, but he was all up into something.

**“So, you’re telling me, you managed to get through all of that without me, and you didn’t talk about me at all?”** He asked in disbelief, and I shook my head no.

**“You know I did, but when I did, it was a brief line or two.”**

I’m a professional redirector, when it all comes down to it. I managed to flip everything when it was time for me to sit down and talk about whatever I had going on. 

**“I always changed the subject somehow, or just laughed it off. Or, glared it off. It depends. But, no, I talked about my new industry friends, what I was excited about next, my dream collaborations, the music I liked and playlists I’d curated had gotten a lot of talk time… I talked about pretty much whatever I could to avoid talking about me and you.”** I shrugged as I wrapped my hands around my knees, drawing them into my chest.

**“Hell, I even talked about Omari, I talked about Scott, and I** **_never…._ ** **Shit,  you think I don’t bring you up… I never talk about Scott, ‘cause I won’t shut the fuck up. I talked about working on VH1, about Love And Hip Hop, my nephews and nieces, and how things were going with him, but not you. Not us.”** I revealed, as he looked up at me and scoffed.

I had left so many interviews and long days on set or at work, ready to just shut the fuck down, really. It didn’t matter what I talked about. After a while, it was all draining work. If I wasn’t able to come home to Michael to support me, suggest things to make it all easier for me, and just get me through the hard shit as well as the fun shit, I probably would have never even been able to do that.

**“It was draining, so I usually did interviews from home or just over the phone sometimes, y’know.. Just so it wouldn’t drive me up the wall. Don helped a lot. He’s super supportive. And Michael too…. Shit, if I didn’t have Michael to come back home to, I don’t know how I would have done a lot of this shit, for real.”** I explained, watching his facial expression turn into a frown.

**“He was a good stress reliever, huh?”** I knew that tone. I licked my bottom lip at that hint of jealousy.

**“Ya’ll weren’t fucking?”** He asked, and I cut my eyes at him.

**“No, we weren’t.”** I rolled my eyes, and he held his hands up.

**“Just curious.”**

**“Me and Michael didn’t get back into anything serious until we started toying around with the possibilities of it all, like a year ago** ** _._** **Back then,** **we were just figuring shit out. He was dating somebody before Celeste was born, and was back and forth between Brooklyn with me, and here. Shit, to be honest, I was celibate from the last time me and you had sex, until Celeste was like, three.”**

**“Hmph.”** His jaw twitched, and I shook my head. He turned his head back towards the screen, and then back at me, but I didn’t say anything. I don’t think I had to.

**“We’re together now, and we’re doing good, but, it wasn’t always like that. After we broke up, I wasn’t even thinking about dating, relationships, or any of that shit. I didn’t need anything to really weigh me down. I wasn’t going to let my career revolve around who I was dating or close to. They’d tried with Donald, but, nah…”** I revealed, and he pressed his lips together.

**“We can save that talk for another day.”** I picked up on the still present jealousy in his voice immediately, and it made my lips curl up for whatever reason.

**“That we will…”** We locked eyes, and I briefly closed mine at his expression.

**“But, no, I mean, I didn’t need a relationship. And, despite not being together, I had Michael in my corner. I did what I wanted when I felt like it, and I didn’t feel like I needed you, or anyone else, honestly. I was just focusing on me until I felt like I was ready to become social again, and get myself back out into the industry, and speaking for myself.”**

There wasn’t a point of bringing the situation up, at the end of the day, no matter what I was doing. After Les’ third birthday, I had gotten back online just to monitor the social media accounts for the show, and to have a better social media presence since I had deleted my accounts when my social media handles were still  _ Kacestopher.  _

His ass was  _ everywhere  _ once I did though, to the point to where I was almost overwhelmed by it.

**“So, you got back online?”** He inquired, and I nodded.

**“In a way, I never left, I just made sure I was concealed extremely well. I still couldn’t escape you though, and I made sure to mute and block every mention of you, Karrueche, Robyn, and a bunch of other shit, just so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. It was around the time you’d gotten out of jail, and I didn’t feel like putting additional stress on either of us, since we were under microscopes. You were at the height of the, ’yall know a Nia?’ bullshit, and I had shit I wanted to do, and I didn’t need a distraction like** **_that_ ** **.”** I sighed.

We never discussed that situation, and I didn’t have the energy to even go there. I just shook my head as he looked at me, unsure if he should say anything to elaborate on it either, and I glared at him. 

We should change the fuckin’ subject, for real.

**“Okay. We were doing good, and I don’t wanna ruin that. Let’s change the subject.”** I closed my eyes, breathing in slowly for a minute.

**“Okay, let’s talk about Celeste, then.”** He had gone back to his list, and I had glanced over to mine on the table. I had a lot to talk about under her name, and it made me smile as I opened up a water bottle. 

**“I mean, I obviously want to know basically anything you want to talk to me about, ’cause I know it’ll be different than talking to Mike about it, but what I really need is advice.”** He sat up, and I waited patiently, wondering where this was going.

**“Tell me about how you keep her so private. I see pictures of you and Michael all the time, or him with her, but I rarely see pictures of the three of you together. Maybe only a few times here and there, something would come across my timeline or feed, or he’ll slide me something. I do recall when ya’ll went to the MTV Movie Awards last year, it was all three of y’all there while I was watching on TV.”** He switched gears, which made me sit up straight on the couch as I thought about it.

**“It’s not hard. I didn’t have any intentions to expose my kid to the world. Nobody even has baby pictures online, but I do remember somebody writing about it after it had been announced while I was still working for VH1. It was nothing major, like, it was included in the staff newsletter announcement sections, just said something like, Congratulations Kacie on your healthy baby girl, but I didn’t comment on it. I just accepted the congratulations and the gifts and answered no questions.”** I relaxed again as he nodded, listening closely.

**“If she wanted to do something, I let her, but I let her do it as a normal kid. While she was  younger, I was filming a lot, still appearing online in front of a camera and behind it, in someone’s studio, even in a couple of videos and livestreams, and she was always with me. I managed to keep the cameras out of her face with the exception of two videos from Gambino…”**

**“Tropic of Capricorn and High Hazard?”** He asks, and I nod. 

I wonder how many times he’s watched those videos if he knew exactly what I was referring to, but I don’t ask. I just roll my eyes instead. He’s definitely kept his tags on me.

**“Since we’ve started the series for HBO, it’s different because she’s in school, but not far from where we’re shooting. She visits the set a lot though, asks a million questions, and hangs out with Mommy all the time, but she’s not in any of the scenes or anything. She’s asked a thousand times, but I don’t know if I’m ready to write in her just yet. She** **_is_ ** **six now, so… maybe. I’ve been playing around with the idea.”** I reveal, which makes him smile.

**“It’s not hard to keep her private. I never wanted to be one of those parents who was going to have their first born all over the ’net anyway. You knew that. There wasn’t going to be memes about my kid making ’rounds on the net, being photoshopped into images with us on some weird stan shit, and she for damned sure wasn’t ending up on someone’s weird lightskinned baby fetish page, or in a hypothetical meme made by some hotep ass nigga. Hell no.”** I frowned, and he nodded.

**“Fuck no.”**

**“Right? See? I kept her off of the internet until she was five if it wasn’t something educational or useful. She literally survived off of a kid’s tablet with parental controls for a long time, so running into you was kinda hard for her to do on her own, even though she knew how to spell your name and everything.”** I explained, watching him frown a little.

She’s seen videos and stuff, yeah, but it’s the bullshit I keep her away from. When it comes to things she does, you know, the kind of things you can’t help but to show off, I do. I post stuff on my private instagram, but that’s more personal than anything. It’s not a page that I accept everyone on, so if someone was to even screenshot from it, I’d know who the culprit was. 

She’s popped up on my verified account I use for the show a couple of times, but it’s ever been anything major. Last year for mother’s day, she told me she wanted to do something special, and with my permission, she made an instagram account that I told her would be managed by me and Michael. The first post was a video that she made, telling me how much she loved me and thanked me for being her Mommy.

I pressed my lips together before grabbing my idle iPhone, and going to the instagram app, deciding to follow him from the CelesteStar page. I sent him a heart in the DMs, just to get his attention.

**“Does she ask questions about me and stuff?”** He wanted to know, and I nodded.

**“All the time, especially lately. I mean, of course she knows you’re her biological dad, yeah. Y’all are basically clones. The picture from her first birthday party, and any picture that was on my phone from that week, including the only pictures of the three of us together, they’re still in her room on her wall. She knows that Michael isn’t her biological Dad, but she loves him like a daddy.”** I explained, watching his face contort in relief.

He looked down at the phone then, and then back up at me, and I knew he had realized the page had followed him. There were at least four hundred images he’d never seen before on there for him to catch up on, and I knew he was going to be preoccupied for a while. 

**“Whenever you’re on TV, she freezes, sits down, and it becomes all about you, even with you not being around. She knows literally the first four CDs front to back, and if any of your movies come on, we** **_have_ ** **to watch them.”** I narrated as he went through the images. 

He was going on a liking spree, and I was glad nobody would be able to see them, since the account was private.

**“She’s a character for real… she wants to act, she loves to draw, and read, and when she grows up, she wants to be an astronaut as of recently. She’s stubborn as hell like me, speaks her mind, can speak two languages to my four, can play the guitar a little bit, and loves the piano. She loves trying to master new instruments, which is pretty cool. She pretty much eats me out of house and home already, which ain’t too bad, since me and Michael can both cook and love doing it. She loves latin food, thanks to Momma and Nani, and is truly an overachiever like her Momma. But, yo, she has so much of you inside of her too. I knew your ass was trying to really trap me.”** I was literally gushing over her, and he was tearing up over it.

It made me sniffle almost instantly.

**“I wasn’t trying to trap you. Didn’t need to trap what was mine.”** He confidently responded, and I rolled my eyes at how right he was.

**“What the fuck ever….”**

I sent him a few pictures from my photos, and watched his emotions shift as he opened them. There was one in particular that I loved, she’d taken one of my old, ancient ass  _ Exclusive  _ tees and loved sleeping in it. Her long ass legs  _ definitely  _ didn’t come from me, and he could take all of the credit for that one.

**“Yeah, she** **_definitely_ ** **got my height.”** He responded as soon as he opened it.

**“That she did. She looks like you now more than RoRo does, actually. She’s artistic, and very talented like you. She has your freckles. Your lisp was there for a while, until she started losing teeth. She can sing too, but she can be shy about that.”**

**“She can?”** He perked up, and I laughed.

Coincidentally, the latest thing posted just happened to be Celeste doing karaoke, singing her heart out to  _ Say Goodbye  _ to her assortment of dolls before she left for Virginia Beach. I noticed he had clicked on the post I mentioned, and his eyes immediately welled up at her spot on karaoke, sounding just like him.

**“She really can. The vinyl she’s constantly asking to play right now is Solange’s** **_A Seat At The Table,_ ** **and Michael’s** **_Off The Wall_ ** **. And on occasion, she wants to hear Beyoncè’s solo debut. Ay dios, that girl** **_loves_ ** **Beyoncè. She cried when she met her and Solange.”** I sent him more pictures, and he smiled at the screen.

**“What else did she pick up from you?”**

**“A lot. She definitely has a lot of my likes, even when I encourage her to figure out what else she would like as her own thing. Like me, she’s into yoga and meditating too. She’s getting into afrofuturism, and has already asked me five times to go to Afropunk this year.”** I dropped more pictures in his thread, and smiled.

**“She’s in love with the universe as a whole, and wants to learn more about stars and space, and black figures. She loves science and STEM related things, and I like that. We went to the Hidden Figures premiere, and she’s been asking about space camp ever since then. She’s just curious about so much, so many things that are in a way, bigger than she is, so I’m trying to find materials that are appropriate for her, and easy enough to understand without overdoing it.”** I continued to inform him, and it really made me realize that I had a lot to say when it came to her.

I  _ wanted  _ him to be proud of the child I raised, even though he wasn’t playing a part in it yet. I wanted him to know what he was getting into, what kind of kid we had, what her interests were, and… everything, really.

**“She can dance, I heard.”** He inquired, and I nodded as I flicked through my phone, sending him a couple of videos from her last recital.

**“She can! She’s not shy when it comes to dancing. She took ballet, and now she’s in Hip Hop Dance, and since she’s been on the set, she really wants to start taking acting classes too. She helps me run lines from time to time, and she’s good at it.”**

**“I’m not surprised we have a star.”** He smiled while he was still busy with the instagram account.

**“Me either, really. But, I don’t want to push her into the spotlight unless it’s something she really wants to do, and not just try out because it looks cool. It’s really demanding. I can be there for her, supporting her the whole step of the way, but even if she’s more curious than she is serious about it, I know it’s a strong possibility that she’ll make sure she’s in front of the camera. She can’t help it. That’s all you. She comes into the room and literally lights it up.”** I smiled, and so did he.

**“You’re doing a good job, babe, really.”** He complimented me, and I blushed at the name calling. The absence of being called  _ Babe  _ as if my name was never told to him made me smile. 

It still makes me feel some kind of way. He looked up and I shook my head at him. It got quiet for a beat between us, and I sighed softly.

**“Sometimes things don’t always work out like you intended, but since I’m being candid, honest, and being absolutely truthful with you, I’m glad it never came a moment in which you asked me not to go through with the pregnancy. I understand what a lot of women mean when they say that their first kid really saves them, and keeps them going. Les is a true testament to that.”** I had reclined on the couch, finally comfortable, and held the phone up as I looked at him, and he looked back, eyes wide.

**“I would never do that.”**

More silence. I had to break it.

**“I wish she wasn’t sleep right now. I don’t want to call her and wake her up. She’s in Virginia with Daddy, and it’s late as hell over there.”** I sighed a little, because now I was feeling nostalgic; now I wanted to call her and let her talk too.

**“Michael said she’d be there until the month is up..”** He relayed, and I nodded.

**“Yeah, she’ll be there for the rest of this month. That’s always her first stop once school lets out. He usually gets her for the first half of the summer, then she spends weeks hopping around like I used to. She’d go see Mike’s parents, and my momma and siblings. We have to get ready for the second grade, and man… it’s going to be interesting. She’s already talking about all of the stuff she wants to show her friends when she goes back.”**

Usually, her summers were very routine. She’d spend time with all of her favorite grandparents, starting with Papa in Virginia then visiting PopPop Mike thirty minutes away from my Dad, time with Gramma Kat in Chicago, ripping and running in Jersey with Mike’s Mom, and whatever concert or event she wanted to tag along to. This summer was going to be different, but in a good way. This summer would be the first time she’d be able to spend time with her Daddy.

**“I know in due time, you’re gonna want your time, and I’m not going to take that away from you. If she’s gonna have a story to tell, it has to be a good one.”** I smiled, and he did too.

**“You’re right.”**

**“So, maybe… maybe, you can come along when I go to get her.”** I hesitated for only a second, trying to piece my words together.

**“You’d want that?”** He asked, and I nodded.

I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t think it was worth it. I had to try, and she would definitely be asking for him by that point. I knew when we talked and I explained to her what was going on, she was going to be super excited about it, but at the same time, going to be unsatisfied until she got to experience things on her own.

**“I mean, Mike would go if he could. But, we’re separating since he has to go straight to Philly when this month is over, so he can start shooting Creed’s sequel. Preparing for** **_Used To It’s_ ** **season two doesn’t start until late July, so instead of going back to an empty brownstone, I was gonna hang out for a week with my Daddy anyway. What’s it looking like for you?”**

God, it had been a long time since I had to tell him about my schedule, let alone wonder what his was.

**“I do what I want. I don’t have any obligations until awards season, since I’m still debating about touring through the summer, or doing something in the fall. Also, I get RoRo again at the end of the month. Is it okay if she comes too?”** He asked, and I smiled at the thought, a real smile, at the two of them getting to know each other.

**“I think she’ll love it. She always wanted to meet her little sister.”** I admitted, which made him smile. It made my stomach dip inward, and I exhaled softly.

**“You’re about to cry again, huh?”** He asked, as I wiped my face.

**“You know I am.”**

I frowned as the 10 percent left notification popped up on the iPad, and I noticed we’d been on the phone for almost two hours. Shit. I could keep talking, but I still wanted to talk to Michael about today too.

**“Damn, my shit is about to die… yours too probably, huh?”**

**“Yep... But, no, really, I appreciate you for calling me. And now that you’ve let me vent, and I’ve probably brought up some old feelings that we knew would have to resurface eventually, I’ma let you go and I’ll call you tomorrow.”** I smiled, watching his lips turn down into a frown.

**“I had to stop myself from telling you that I’d come get you so we could finish talking. But, yeah, uh... I’ll text you when Ro gets back from my Momma’s. We can go to Bossa Nova or something…”** He mentioned my favorite Brazilian place, and I perked up then.

**“Yeah, we all know how shit goes down when you come swoop after ten pm.”** I teased him, and he smirked at me.

**“I mean, shit, you could… nah, nevermind.”** I rolled my eyes gently at him, and shook my head.

**“C’mon now, we’re doing good, shut the fuck up.”** I laughed softly, and he bit down on his lips and tilted his head as to ask,  _ you sure?  _

I shook my head.

**“I’m not going anywhere. So, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then. Goodnight Chris,”** I swallowed softly, as he smiled at me.

**“Goodnight, Kace.”**

 


	6. diced pineapples

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diced pineapple, tonight you shall reach a height that the sky won't catch you..  
> The highest form of my admiration..  
> And, I ain't no connoisseur but I'm kinda sure you will admire my taste....  
> But before the sun graze ya, I'm tryin to see how deep you are..  
> And, believe me shorty I ain't talking about no intimate conversation..

5 | diced pineapples

_ “Well unless you tryna tell me you’re moving back to Skeezaville, I don’t wanna hear it, so move now, move!” _

I looked at Michael, who was sitting up in the bed with his eyes closed as the episode of Martin played on the TV. Gina was about to get her ass beat for killing Mama Payne’s bird, and I knew if he was fully alert, he’d be in here cracking up like this was something he’d never seen before. 

I debated bothering him, really. I moved closer to the bed and he hadn’t budged, and I rolled my eyes gently at the sight of him just there, definitely sleep, which he’d probably ended up doing while waiting on me to come in here.

Fuck. Did I want to wake him up?

I  _ was _ curious about how today came together, and I knew he had something to do with it. At the same time though,  I didn’t feel like arguing, or being lectured. Either way though, I was going to have to wake him up in order for me to go to sleep, so I knew it’d be best to bite the bullet and get it over with. I climbed into the bed and straddled his thighs, and nudged him.

**“Babe, you sleep?”** I nudged him again, and he merely shook his head.

**“Resting my eyes.”** He responded without opening them, and I pouted as I squeezed his thighs with mine, and he opened his eyes and winked at me.

**“You know that’s code for,** **_I was sleep._ ** **”** I smiled at him as he pulled me closer to him, wrapping his arms around me.

I just wanted to stay like this. I wasn’t ready to talk it out, or for him to lecture me, but I knew it was coming. I braced myself as he looked at me, definitely up now, and I knew I couldn’t escape his grasp, nor whatever he decided was the right time to bring up as long as I was in front of him. 

I was still feeling hazy and actually pleased with the way the conversation turned out, so I wanted to thank him for giving me that push, even if he had been co-conspiring against me for a while. I was smiling and couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. It felt good, but in a way, it also brought up new conflict that I wasn’t sure how to address just yet.

**“You okay, love? I came in to check on you, and it sounded like it was getting intense in there.”** He asked, and I sighed softly.

**“I’m okay. It was something I really needed to get off of my chest, you know that. I finally got to vent, which is good, ’cause I didn’t want to snap in front of Royalty tomorrow. It’ll be a weird first impression,”** I admitted as his fingers threaded against my spine, holding me up. I tilted my head back a little before I looked at him again.

**“Did you have anything to do with that today?”** I asked, and he shrugged a little bit, which made me frown.

**“That’s all I get is a shrug?”** I scowled a little, and he shrugged again before shaking his head at me.

**“Yes and no. I mean… I’m only like, about sixty percent guilty about playing a role in that whole thing. He knew we were in LA for the month, ’cause of work. He knew if we were to go anywhere, that we’d be there together, but I didn’t tell him we would be at the day party. I saw him maybe twenty minutes after we got there, but we didn’t say anything to each other. He was just watching us for a minute, but didn’t approach us.”** Michael explained as I rolled my eyes softly.

Of course he was just watching. Fucking voyeur. 

**“So, he was just lurking, like the same creep I fell in love with all those years ago.”** I rolled my eyes again, and Michael laughed.

**“Yeah, so when you started talking to Alex, and I got pulled away by Chadwick, I was looking for him. I wanted to see what he was up to, why he was there, but I kept running into people who wanted to talk, so I couldn’t really catch up with him like I wanted to. I knew he wasn’t going to disappear as long as he knew that you were close though, and I hoped that y’all could actually talk since you were in the same place.”** He explained as I shook my head.

**“We were there for** **_hours,_ ** **babe. It took hours for him to come up to me and say something.”** I stressed, and Michael laughed.

**“Hours!”**

**“You looked good as hell today. I know he noticed that before anything. I know that I can’t keep my hands off of you, and you can’t fault the man for admiring you from afar, and tryin’ to get his words together, baby.”** He explained as I ran my hand against the side of his face, only to reel him in, and bop him in the head.

**“Whatever, Michael.”** I laughed as he ran his fingers up my back, and pulled them up to my shoulders, and gave them a little knead.

**“You’re tense. Chill out, and let me keep explaining how I’m not really guilty in this situation.”** I rolled the tension out of my shoulders as he continued to knead, and I smiled at him. His face was super convincing, and I knew he wasn’t bullshitting me, but, he was involved with this  _ somehow.  _

**“So, while we were apart and I got convinced to take a million gotdamned pictures, I drank a lot of water in between my shots of Hennessy. And, I kept looking, but I still hadn’t found his ass, and I ended up running back into you, and you were looking good as fuck, and I had forgotten to even mention that I’d seen him.”** He explained with a shrug as he smiled at me, and I shook my head.

**“I’m not mad about it, but you could at least given me a heads up that he was there and it was a possibility that we could bump into each other.”** I softly uttered, and he nodded.

**“I know, I know, and I apologize for that. Especially since he wanted to talk about Celeste, and that really wasn’t the place to do it, at least, not between the two of y’all. Me on the other hand, you know my role. You know that I’m one of the only direct links he has to her, so I’m always armed with a story to tell or picture to show off.”** He apologized, kissing me gently on the lips.

**“Mhmm, yeah...”** I pressed my forehead against his as I held his head in my hands, and pulled back to kiss him again. I could do it all day, and he knew that.  

**“You still could have tipped me off, though.”**

**“I could have.”**

**“But, you didn’t.”**

**“I didn’t. I fucked up, but him being around slipped my mind because shit, if this was ten years ago, I’d be stressing that you’d be leaving with him, and I knew that tonight, there was no fucking way.”**

**“All I could think about was how lucky I am to be the one who has to go home with you, and take care of you. You are mine. And, how no matter how much I’ve been there for Les, and taken care of her, you know, she is only mine in so many ways…”** He spoke softly, and we both knew it was the truth.

**“She’s getting older, and asks questions now. And, on the other hand, you are in such a better place than you used to be, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. You’re just better in so many ways than you were before. Why not try again?”** Michael asked, and I shrugged softly.

I really didn’t have a reason to disagree with him. I had my own concerns and was a little apprehensive about how fast things could move, how they would play out, or what the fuck I would end up doing to the progress we were making as an actual couple, but it would all have to be addressed in pieces.

**“We’ve talked about it back and forth for awhile now, and we both feel like now you should be able to give this co-parenting thing a chance for real this time. She needs not just me in her life as a father figure, but she needs her real Dad too, baby.”** He explained, as I bit down on my lip and he rubbed my back.

**“He’s been doing better lately. He’s been kind of preparing himself to execute his plan to make it work between y’all two. I’m just refereeing from the sidelines.”** Michael continue to explain as I glanced at him.

Every time he showed me just how much he wanted something to work out between us, I felt conflicted. I was always going to be a little bit surprised that he was still rooting for something to work out between us, despite the history we had, and the history the two of us shared too. 

Not too many men, any man, really, as I sit and think about it, would want to push a blended family concept on their woman. A man trying to convince his girl that his baby momma had good intentions and needed him around, yeah, but not vice versa…

The longer I sat there staring, the more my mind went roaming, and it finally clicked: he wanted this. We had talked about it before, but I never really realized how much he’d do whatever to make things easier for me. Not just for me, but for everyone.

He  _ did  _ set me up, I don’t care what he says...

**“So you** **_did_ ** **set me up, huh? You wanted to kick things off, and hope that we could figure something out once we were face to face with each other? Like me running away wasn’t an option?”** I still wanted to know, and he knew I wasn’t going to stop until I figured something out.

**“Baby, it wasn’t a set up.”** He reassured me, and I exhaled softly.

**“Don’t do that to me. Don’t start second guessing everything… and to be honest, I wasn’t too far away from you if you did run away, or something happened that would make you feel uncomfortable about the situation. I was just waiting around after I got off of the phone with Ryan, hanging back, waiting to see if he would step up to you, but you were too busy staring into your phone to even notice him before he approached you.”** He recalled for me, and I shook my head.

**“I didn’t even know if he was going to actually approach you, or if you were even going to talk to him at all. I had hope… I’ve always had hope for y’all to be amicable with each other. You know how I was fucked up over my parents divorce. You were with me while the dust settled, and luckily for all of us, they figured out a compromise that worked. A bad breakup can ruin a good thing, and sometimes, it fucks us up without you even noticing that it is.”**

I pressed my lips together and dropped my head, trying to recall all of the things that had caused us to bump heads when it came to him being there for me, that ended up being a bigger issue than it really was.

We didn’t really fight. We had disagreements when we initially spent our time together in the beginning of my pregnancy. We had a lot of long discussions before I committed myself to finding a therapist to help, just due to those old feelings lingering around and the complication of our relationships with each other.

He always spoke highly about making things work out since a kid was involved, and Celeste was innocent. I understood that, and never made her a pawn in the things we were going through. She wasn’t a bargaining chip when it came to us reconciling. I wasn’t going to use her for that,  _ ever.  _

Even though Chris never met me halfway, despite him telling me that he had attempted, I wasn’t going to hold Celeste over his head just so because I could. All of our issues honestly could have been resolved if he would have just  _ showed up.  _

**“I know being there for you is one of the most important things that someone you care about can do for you, since you’ve gotten through the whole thing with your parents… I understand that. He wasn’t there when you needed him the most, and I know that the fact that he ran away instead of putting forth the effort to be there for you, fucked you up.”** Michael had went back to some of the shit from when I had endured therapy, and it made me look up at him, eyebrows up.

What was the point of reminding me of the thing that fucked me up the most?

**“I was there for you from the moment you called me crying, trying to get away. But, as we’ve grown from that, together or not, I’ve never left your side, and I know that plays a major role when it comes to you being in a relationship with me that you can see a future with us still being together.”** He explained as I nodded, because he was right.

**“I’m not going to leave you when things go left, and you know that very well by now. Before you were even showing, I had promised you that I was going to get you though this because he couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough, mentally, emotionally, or in any other way for him to get you through this, so he wasn’t around, but he tried. He might not have been successful, but he tried, and he’s finally found a way to get back to you… you just need to give him a try to fix things, baby.”** His hands stroked my back, and I nodded softly.

I couldn’t fight him on this, because he was right. He knew it, I knew it, and there was no point of halting the progress of things. I feel like we’ve reached a point now to where we need to figure  _ something  _ out, because it distracts us from other things too.

**“The relationship you had with him wasn’t just going to come to a standstill because you left and he didn’t follow you. He’s trying now, and I know you’re willing to open up and let him become involved, because he truly wants to.”**

**“It’s not like I’m going to be in the way. I’m not. I want him to know he’s able to be a part of Celeste’s life too, you know? I know you do too. You sounded so happy to talk about her to him… I know how that made you feel, Kacie. Y’all both needed that, on both ends. It’s going to affect everything that comes after it, and that means how you and I will handle certain things too.”** Michael cupped my chin, keeping my head up as he looked at me.

He was right, and I knew this. I just merely nodded my head at him.

**“Did he try and talk to you before he talked to me?”** I asked, eyebrow up, as he shook his head softly.

 **“He approached me first, like, maybe an hour or two before he caught up with you. We hadn’t talked in a few weeks, so he wanted to talk about how I was doing. We were having a genuinely interested in what each other had to say kinda conversation that we were having when we really did sit and talk after we walked away from the bar.”** Michael explained, and I just nodded. I wasn't going to interrupt them. I let them talk with ease and without feeling the need to be underneath or around them while they did, either.

 **“But, earlier when he’d caught up with me, he wanted to talk about you, but I didn’t want to unless you were around. Mainly ’cause I could feel my liquor in my face, and you know how I can get, and I didn’t want to get… you know, like an asshole.”** Michael insisted as I shook my head softly, being reminded of their last drunken encounter  _years ago,_ but still.. ugh. I didn't want a repeat of that, and was glad for it.

**"Fuck, that's good then..."**

**“Right? So, I told him to see if you’d talk first. I was glad that y’all had, or at least he had, and you were just standing there like you were being punk’d or something.”** He smiled, and I shook my head. It wasn't an ambush. It wasn't an ambush. It wasn't. He was just fuckin' meddling for no reason.

**“So, are you happy that all of your meddling has paid off?”**

**“I’m not meddling,”** He laughed, as I pursed my lips.

**“You** **_are._ ** **But, it paid off, despite me thinking it was a set up. We had a good talk. I was able to vent. I feel better about how I was basically stunned as fuck earlier, just caught up in the fact that he was actually in front of me, and I wasn’t tripping. I cried a lil’ bit, and I feel** **_way_ ** **better. At the end of the day, I really missed him. I knew eventually, we’d talk, but shit, not like that.”**

I rested against his chest as he rubbed my back, and I sighed. 

I blocked him out again for so many of the wrong reasons after her first birthday. Michael was the only person who didn’t give me shit about it, but constantly told me to think about how it was going to affect their relationship in the long run, and I did. I was still hurt back then, and despite him still sending her gifts, and making videos, and all of that shit year after year, it all boiled down to one thing that made me keep it up - he never came.

Not once did he come in the middle of all of the gifts that came to our place in Brooklyn. Not once did one of those videos end in him being outside, just waiting on her, anxiously waiting to see her, hold her, and tell her that he loved her in person. I wasn’t going to stop him from popping up if he did, but he  _ didn’t,  _ and that was the sole reason why I was so fucking set on keeping it up until he was ready.

At the end of it all, whenever that time did come, I was also concerned about her safety. I was concerned about her privacy. I was willing to do whatever I needed to do to make sure that Les would continue growing up in a place with two parents that loved her, and her father would be able to do that too, in due time.

I wanted something to happen to kick it off, but shit, I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried, I had! But, every time I’d consider letting him back in, something else happened.  There was some scandal, some issue, something that I  _ knew  _ held some kind of truth to it. 

Even when he went to rehab, and I took that as a sign, but the next thing I knew, he was in jail, and shit, then there was a kid, and I was like, what the fuck? I didn’t know how I was going to approach the situation, but I had a lot of time to sit back and think about it. There’d be times when I’d figure something out, start putting together a plan, and then, I’d get more bad news, and it would spiral into a huge big deal, to where I was like, fuck that. 

I don’t want her to know him as what everyone else knows him as and sees him as. She wasn’t old enough to really comprehend who he was, who he  _ is _ , not just to me, but to so many other people, with so many different opinions about him, before now. She’s six, and curious, and hearing things, and asking questions that I can’t give a unbiased answer to. 

I want her to be able to go to the source itself. They can sit and have a talk about this better than I ever could attempt to do.

**“I invited him to come and get her when I go out to Dad’s. That’s at the end of the month, and he said he’ll have RoRo, and I kinda want to surprise her, but I know my kid. I’ll have to give her a heads up, so it won’t throw her off of her game.”** I sighed as he rubbed my back, and another episode of Martin started, interrupting me with how loud it was. 

I frowned as he turned the TV off, and flattened me underneath him, and then kissed my lips.

**“I can’t wait to hear about it.”**

…

**“Daddy, is Mommy up or is she still sleeping?”** Even with my eyes closed, Celeste’s presence feels close, and not like the thousands of miles and few time zones over that separate us.

I unwrap myself from the covers for a second time since he ushered me back into them, and I press my lips together and muster the strength to sit up. I stretched in the warmth of the sun and smiled at her as he moved his Mac book in front of me. I winked at her as she smiled back, showing a mouth full of orange, which made me laugh.

**“Good Morning Mommy,”** She smiled at me on the other side of the screen after she pulled the orange out of her mouth, and I shook my head softly at her.

**“Hey Baby. You’ve been in the trees again, huh Star?”** I ask as she nods, showing me a bowl of cut up oranges.

She loves her fruit, and nothing’s better than fruit from the trees that line my dad’s garden shed. I know she’s been having a ball, picking fresh strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, figs, gooseberries, and goji berries all day. He allows her to make salads with the fresh produce that he has, and it actually works in my favor, because we never fight over her eating her greens. 

**“I have. Just for oranges though. Papa said the lemons are for lemonade, and the veggies are in the sink. How long have you been up?”** She asked, and I yawned again.

She’s being spoiled as fuck, I already know this. I hear my Dad in the background, and it sounds like he’s cooking. I stretched as I sat up and exhaled as I noticed her sitting at the kitchen table. She was wrapping what looked like gold twine around her shoulder length locs, and I furrowed my brow.

**“Just waking up again. Daddy made breakfast and I went right back to sleep. What are you doing?”** I slowly ask, watching her closely.

**“Papa said I can have gold hair today. But, not the permanent kind, so he got me a bunch of gold string to wrap around it. I’m doing a good job, right Mommy?”** She asked, and I could tell she was staring at her own reflection in the phone as she kept winding the twine around her hair.

**“So far so good from what I can see. How’s Papa treating you today?”** I asked, watching him behind her, rolling flautas.

**“We’re having fun. We’re making flautas, ensalada, y ensalada con frutas. You want some? I can freeze you some flautas for when you come.”** She drops her hands, seeming satisfied with her hair, and carries the phone off as I sit up in bed, watching her every move.

**“I’m making both chicken and shrimp flautas baby girl. I know you love them just as much as she does. I’ll freeze you a nice amount of each.”** I smiled at my Daddy’s voice, knowing he’d look out for me, even if he couldn’t see me.

It took me a minute to realize where Celeste was running off to, but she was definitely on the move. I watched her go over to the living room mirror, where she angled the phone, trying to show me her handiwork. She actually was a good job to doing things on her own when it came to her hair, and I wasn’t going to do anything less than encourage her to keep it up. I took a few screenshots as she posed, and I smiled.

**“You have to do Mommy’s hair like that, Les. I love it so much,”** I encouraged her as she smiled, and sat down on the couch while pulling the phone closer to her.

I knew as long as she had my attention, getting out of bed to start my daily routine was going to be impossible. I loved every second of this though, and as much as I enjoyed my Mommy time, I missed my baby even more.

**“I will. We have to get purple, and gold, and a really pretty green. Maybe like an Emberald?”** She mused, ticking off colors as she swung her feet back and forth.

**“Emerald, boo.”** I smiled as I pulled my hair up in a high bun, and she mirrored my actions with a smile.

**“Emerald… why did I think it was** **_ember_ ** **ald, like fire?”** She asked, rambling. She definitely got that from me.

**“Emberald isn’t even a thing. It would make a cool planet name though, you know? I think, maybe you’re thinking of orange crystals. Like, Calcite or Amber, or something like that? You can look it up later, and call and tell me what you find out.”** I laughed softly as she looked at me like I held the answers to every question in the universe. It never got old.

**“I will. So, what are you doing today Mommy?”** She asked, which made me tilt my head up before frowning.  

I decided to get out of the bed then. I carried the Mac book into the walk in closet and sat it down as I picked out what to wear for the day, and tried to put my words together.

**“Uhh,”** My face was betraying me; I knew it was. I also knew that she could read my expression, and I couldn’t fix it before it got her to asking questions.

**“Oh no, what’s that face for? What are you doing today?”** Celeste leaned towards the phone as she finished tying off her bun with a long loc, and I pinched the bridge of my nose.

**“I’m having lunch with your Father,”** I explained as she narrowed her eyes at me, looking so much like him, it made me roll mine. 

**“And I meant your actual father, not Daddy. Chris wants to take me to lunch.”**

**“What?”** She nearly yelled, and I exhaled softly.

**“Mommy, what did you just say?!”**

**“Celeste Jaylin DeVaughn, calm down and stop yelling.”** I paused, and waited for her facial expression to resemble a calmer one. She held her hands out in front of her to steady herself, and looked at me, which made me shake my head.

**“I saw him last night, and we talked, and he asked me to go to lunch with him, so, I’m going. When we get to where we’re going, I’ll facetime you, okay? He wants to talk to you, too.”**

**“Is he coming to see me soon?”** She asked, unable to hold back her excitement. 

**“Let us talk first, and you can ask questions later, okay Les?”** I yawned as she nodded, and I smiled at her.

We were silent together for a second, and both of our faces were equally reflective. I glanced back at her, and she immediately switched up from looking happy, to looking concerned. I pushed back a couple of shirts before she said anything.

**“Do you feel good about this?”** She asked in a soft voice of curiosity, and I shrugged softly. 

**“I would say yeah, I do. I’ve wanted this too, you know.”** I explained just as softly as I turned back towards the screen and looked at her. 

I always encouraged her to talk about her emotions, and I tried for the most part, to allow her to ask me anything within reason. She was always concerned about my emotions and how things made me feel, and I loved her even more for that.

**“I know. Does it make you mad, or sad?”** She inquired, and I frowned. 

**“I’m not mad, or sad about it. I’m nervous, and I’m excited, and I’d love to have you here to go with me, but you’re not missing out on time with Papa for this. I was thinking, maybe… you could do me a favor, actually… you know how you have a million questions about him?”**

**“Yes,”** She said, and like she could read my mind, I watched her grab her iPad and sit up with it on the couch.

**“Did you** **_know_ ** **what I was about to ask you?”** I laughed, watching her turn the iPad towards my view.

**“Maaaaaybe. Um, I have questions. I recorded me practicing asking questions because I didn’t wanna write them all out. It was a lot. It’s really just a video of me talking, but, there are some questions in there too.”** She explained as she started playing back a video of herself. 

I squinted to see as I grabbed a skirt down, and a top to match that was hanging up behind it. In the video, she was sitting out on the patio of our Brooklyn home, folded up in a chair, looking super flustered. It had to been a couple of days before her sixth birthday. 

She always got reflective around that time; she even asked for her Dad as a birthday present for the last two years running.

_ I just wanted to know so many things, so, okay, here we go. Do you know what my favorite food is? Do you know what my favorite song is? My favorite color? How tall I am? How many teeth I have? That I’m tall for being five, and I’m almost six? What my favorite song by you is? And video?  _

_ And… I have favorite pictures, and drawings too, I tried to draw this picture you drew of Mommy once, but I had to trace it and I ended up coloring it instead, but she said, I’m still very talented and all I have to do is keep trying and I’ll get better and better and better…  _

_ Did you know, I can play the piano? I can play three John Legend songs and two Alicia Keys songs. I want to learn more songs. I’m learning the guitar, you can play the guitar, right? I’m supposed to be wherever you are right now, Daddy. _

**“Star, you can play that for him if you’d like.”** I insisted as she turned the iPad away from me. I felt that shit in my gut, even though I couldn’t see it anymore. I could still hear her voice, rambling and questioning him.

**“When’s he coming?”** She asked, and I smiled at her. 

**“We’ll be there at the end of the month, so get ready. Three weeks left! I love you to the moon and back, okay?”**

**“I love you to the moon and back too, Mommy.”**

….

**“Pineapple buds?”** I laughed as I read Celeste’s response, and the pineapple emoji she sent me after I sent her the selfie that I was about to post to instagram.

I admired myself in the mirror for a minute as I looked at her open text thread, wondering if my top was too much. It was a nice collared tie top with pineapples all over it. I had it tied to the side in a knot instead of in the front as it was expected to be though, and my green sheer skirt set it off nicely. It wasn’t too short, and was respectable enough to be looking good, but not  _ too  _ good, you know? 

I had my bun up nicely, with gold trinkets I’d had in it. I missed my baby, and that was her idea of making us match until she could get her hands in my hair. Minimal makeup had me looking natural, and glowing, shout out to Robyn’s new endeavor. I had on my favorite gold hoops, and for the sake of nostalgia, which had long taken on another meaning as I wore it, the C necklace I’d gotten  _ years ago.  _ I layered that with some star pieces I’d gotten, and I was definitely satisfied with how I looked overall.

_ Pineapple buds 4everrrr lol. I’ll call you in about an hour…  _

I sat the phone down again with a smile as I pressed my lips together and saw Michael watching me in the doorway of the bedroom. He smiled at me and walked over to me, and grabbed my hand in his, making me twirl.

**“Damn, Kacie. You sure you’re going to come back home to me?”** He leaned in to kiss me gently, and I smiled at him as I touched the side of his face. 

**“I ain’t worried about it. I’ll call you when I get there.”** I was still smiling as I stepped into my yellow wedges, and he pulled me into a hug.

**“You’d better. He’s definitely gonna enjoy this.”** Michael teased, and I rolled my eyes softly as I pulled back from him and pushed him away from me. 

**“I mean, I hope so… I’m not about to waste a good look on Chris’ ass.”** I chuckled as I grabbed my purse and sighed softly.

We just stood there for a second, looking at each other. I was overcome with nervous energy, and he was definitely being the positive one here, anticipating something big. I was trying to stay positive too, but my emotions were all over the place.

I wanted to be angry, y’know? I felt like I should be pissed the fuck off, but I knew it wasn’t going to do any good. It was too late for it too; what point was there in still being pissed off over a situation I’ve had  _ years  _ to be pissed off over?

I know for a fact that was one of the reason why I haven’t reached out to anyone who constantly tied to hit me up, wanting to talk and dissect the situation without knowing what was truly going on with it. They wouldn’t really want an explanation, instead, they’d push,  _ “aren’t you mad?” _

And honestly, who the fuck wanted to hear someone push the same thing they were trying not to think about? Fuck figuring out the ties between him and Michael, and where Don would find his place in all of this. I wasn’t in a position to explain it myself, really. I just knew that at the end of the day, everyone would figure I just needed to be mad. But, that was the last fucking thing I wanted to give into.

My smile fell as Mike gripped my hand, and I exhaled.

**“Hey. It’s okay.”**

**“Baby, I’m proud of you for the effort you’re putting forward with all of this.”** He sincerely said as he followed me to the garage.

**“I’m trying. You know I can be stubborn though, and I probably will continue to be until I can gain control of what’s happening.”** I insisted as I kept walking towards my car.

**“But, I just wanna keep moving forward, do what’s best for us, and Celeste. I’m ready to get them to really bond and know each other, and grow as a family for real, you know that.”** I insisted as he tugged on the skirt to stop me from moving, and pulled me back into him.

**“Slow down for just a second, Kacie. I just wanted to tell you that progress looks good on you, stubborn butt. I love you,”** He pressed his lips against mine, and I kissed his lips, nose, his forehead, and pecked his lips again.

**“I love you too, thank you.”**

**“Nah, thank** **_you._ ** **”**

**“I’ll call you when I’m on my way back.”**

I got into my car and silently rested against the steering wheel as I sat there for a while. I knew Michael was still hovering, and I was surprised he didn’t drive over behind me, to be honest. He sent me a string of heart emojis in our text thread and I smiled as I exhaled softly. I had just been going on autopilot, giving into what was asked of me, not arguing about it, and not fighting what I knew what it was going to possibly lead into.

I hadn’t had a moment to really let it sink in until now.

I was really about to do this shit, and I had no idea what was going to come along with it. I had spent all of those years not feeling any kind of way about the possibility of what would happen, that I had built up several scenarios about how it  _ would  _ happen, but none of those visions came true to form.

There were steps, but we were skipping them, or at least changing the order of everything. I had to remind myself that when it came to dealing with Chris, conventional progress wasn’t like us at all. I didn’t expect the beginning to us figuring out a way to embrace a relationship between him and Celeste to be somewhat domestic though. 

I don’t know if I was honestly expecting things to be so… normal. I feel like I’ve waded through enough of the bad to actually just want everything to be good again, so I wasn’t necessarily feeling up to entertaining any bullshit. I knew that I needed to go into the situation with my guard up, somewhat, just to protect myself, but I still don’t know what I’m walking into.

And, despite the intentions of reuniting and building a new type of relationship, it’s still scary.

We were going to lunch, and he was bringing his daughter, which was a complication within itself that I hadn’t thought about in a while either. It was going to be interesting to say the least, and fuck, once, not if, but once someone was to see the three of us out together, that was going to be a trip too. I knew it wasn’t going to be long before it had gotten around, had started to spread, and I’d have to deal with so much more than just that.

This is why for a long time I wasn’t chasing fame. To be honest, I still wasn’t chasing it now, I just wanted to create, but I knew that came with the decision to do that. So, instead of people being in just his face, they would be in mine too. Being careful was the best way to go about doing anything, really.

I had specifically avoided so many pitfalls that came with being with him, that I knew once I had unknowingly found myself falling into one, I wouldn’t know what to do in order to get out of it. I had done a good job at avoiding scandals, bullshit, and fuckery at it’s best for a long time. Even though, people had tried back then to get me tossed into the ring of fire, and some still do, I can handle myself now way better than I could back then. 

To be honest, from a journalistic standpoint, I understand  _ why  _ the people who dedicate a large majority of their time covering the ins and outs of even the most obscurely relevant people do what they do. Everyone has their favorite person out there that they just want to know as much as they can about - that’s normal. I get that, but when lines are crossed and things become speculated solely with no backing, that’s where shit gets twisted. People out there get even the smallest bit of credible information and start to think they know you all while hiding behind some picture of you in the name of being a  _ stan,  _ and I don't have time for it.

I’ve seen it happen too many times before. 

From the standpoint of the target, it might be a lil’ too much for me. I know  _ this  _ is going to be wild as it develops and is followed. I’m already anticipating having a bunch of  _ anonymous contributors  _ and  _ secret sources  _ who’ll love to have something to say about things they don’t know shit about. 

This situation is gonna blow the fuck up, and it ain’t even really kicked off as anything other than pictures, videos, and some snaps. I can’t escape it. Everybody wants to get in the middle of my business and I’m just not feeling that. Being the talk of the timeline ain’t always a good thing. I mean, there is no true story, and it hasn’t even been 48 hours yet since the day party, and something between the four of us is already being talked about like crazy. 

It’s going to be a shitstorm once it continues, so I hope he’s ready.

I don’t know if I ever will be, to be honest, but… I know what I’m doing. Don and Mike have an understanding, and eventually, Chris will too. I mean, realistically, I’m single until I’m married, ain’t that what everyone says when they have multiple options?

I pursed my lips as I thought about that. Even if I was married, I probably wasn’t going to let it stop anything though… 

I laughed out loud at my thoughts as I finally psyched myself up good enough to pull out of the garage. Worrying was one of my major flaws as a control freak; but I knew it was ridiculous to believe I could control pretty much anything that bad to do with this. At the end of the day, I just wanted to be happy with my romantic situation, raise my child, feel safe and secure, and live uncompromised in the midst of any bullshit. I wasn't asking for much. 

No matter what was going to be said or come out as I went forward, I was going to make sure I got all of that, and more.


	7. we all try

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just try, try to believe...

6  | We All Try

No matter how I wanted to still be upset, still be hurt, still have some rage towards him, I couldn’t execute that into my current behavior. Acting like that wasn’t something I could summon once I realized how much I wanted any opportunity whatsoever to start to rebuild things between us.

I would have loved to start with defining what  _ us  _ meant, but I knew it wasn’t going to be the priority: our daughter was. Then me, I guess… maybe. Hopefully. But, I knew this was all for  _ her,  _ and I got that. I couldn’t make it about me. It wasn’t time for that, so I was trying to switch my thoughts to focus on that.

That was the mantra I went forth with as I walked to where he was waiting on me, smile on my face, anxious to meet his  _ other  _ daughter, which I wasn’t processing like I knew I should either, to be honest. Seeing him with her had been hard to stomach, and put me in a bad place for a while as I grew to accept the fact that I shouldn’t be jealous about it. I taught Celeste not to be jealous about it either, and as much as I knew in due time, she’d have her turn, I wasn’t sure how I was going to approach the child who’d had all of that time. 

I just wanted the whole situation to be as natural as possible as we started to blend our situations we'd found ourselves in up. And no matter how many times before I’ve dealt with his Momma insisting the girls meet, or that we do things together while I was out in LA, or she was back home, I never could face it. I appreciated the fact that she always kept the option open, even though she knew I wasn't emotionally ready and would decline. I knew that at least twice, Royalty and Celeste had either barely missed each other, or had been unknowingly in the same situations without even knowing it until weeks, sometimes months later.

I knew down the line, I’d have to address those emotions when I could, but for now, I just wanted to meet her. Especially if she knew who I was. I hated how much the anticipation of the situation had me smiling hard as fuck at the mere thought of everything that was going to happen. 

As I walked up to him though, I couldn’t do anything but turn my smile totally upside down.

**“So, don’t get mad,”** He started to explain as I approached him, where he was standing on the sidewalk, alone.

I clucked my tongue as I looked at him, just standing on the corner of Formosa, looking like an idiot. A cute, smiling idiot, but an idiot nonetheless. Where the fuck was Royalty?

**“Okay, so what the fuck? Where’s Royalty?”** I huffed softly as he looked at me, and pressed his lips together as we got closer to each other.

**“Ro’s with Dayci, so we’re gonna be alone.”**

I rolled my eyes at him as he looked down at me, making me shrink underneath his gaze. He'd never fail to make me feel tiny as he looked at me, even when he looked at me like I had given him the world. I walked around his advance in my direction, and he laughed before he grabbed my hand, and shook his head. 

**“I know you still want to meet her, so, it’s not off the table. I wouldn’t do you like that babe.”** He explained as my face fell flat, and I pouted.

He smiled at me, and I resisted the urge to slap the back of his neck in annoyance. I was mad. I was actually mad, because I’d hyped myself up for this, and he fucking  _ knows  _ how I get when things don’t go to plan. He was going to have to do a lot of apologizing before he fixed this. I glared at him as he shook his head and immediately started to explain.

**“Let me explain… she’s at a birthday party. I totally forgot about it until I called my Momma, and she had already dropped her off. I figured she’d have more fun there than trying to eat her weight in plantains and saying, ’Daddy? Daddy, is this Kacie, Daddy?’”** He mimicked a tiny voice as I huffed dramatically again, for several reasons, and he laughed at me.

**“You told her about me?”** I asked, and he nodded, looking more surprised than I thought he would. 

**“I’m surprised that you thought I wouldn’t. Every time you’re on TV or on my timeline, she points you out before I can. Plus, she’s seen a million pictures and videos of us together. She definitely knows who you are.”** He explained, and all I could do was shake my head.

As apprehensive as I was to become too comfortable with his daughter, his  _ youngest  _ daughter, I felt some kind of way about her not being here with us like I anticipated. I had planned to really focus on her, and what she liked, and not her Daddy, for as long as I possibly could get away with it.

**“Chris, I was actually excited about this.”** I whined a little, and he laughed. 

**“I could see it in your face. And you got all chipmunk like. You'll get your chance, babe. We could still get her to go and get frozen yogurt or something, you know. But, hey, enough about that. It's all about us right now. You look good.”** He complimented me as I frowned, and he pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me.

**“I do?”** I asked, and he hummed low in his throat, and I could feel it.

**“Mhm, did you wear a skirt for me too?”** He asked, and I inhaled sharply as I immediately recalled so many times in the past when that instance would end up with me thoroughly fucked.

**“You startin’ shit already?”** I chuckled as I pulled apart from him, and looked down at what he had on.

He knew what I liked. I hated how effortless it was for him to slide into something that was going to keep me eyeballing him. He knew I loved him in yellow. He was dressed in a yellow ripped tee, black linen shorts, and black Huaraches that I knew were a good ten years old to the date. He had a bottom row of fronts in too, and made sure that I saw them.

I know he knew what the fuck he was doing, and I wanted to punch him in his arm. He was still attractive, and I was just standing here, trying to make myself focus on something else other than him. I couldn’t though, and it made me shake my head, and then punch him anyway.

**“You’re not really mad, are you? You finna act like a big pouty baby?”** He asked, and I groaned. 

**“I am! And, stop pulling on me, before you get Fenty’s highlighter all over your shirt.”** I paused to make sure no highlighter had managed to get on his shirt as I looked up at him, and he smiled down at me.

**“I’m going to make it up to you. I don’t plan on disappointing you anymore.”** He meant that shit.

I rolled my eyes and frowned, still thrown off because I  _ did  _ want a third party to be around to be able to rebuff all of  _ this,  _ but there was none. We needed a referee. I don’t know where Alex was, but I knew she was in town. Where was Billie? Was she home yet? I needed one of my girls.

Hell, where was Barry’s ass when I needed him? I needed to call all of them anyway, and throw everyone back into the loop of whatever this was shaping up to be, not knowing what Chris could have said in my absence.

The intimacy of the whole situation was back on in an instant. Maybe even as soon as he approached me, truth be told. That part wasn't going anywhere. Even when I tried to disassociate myself in passing, I’d always feel something for him. I felt like Michael had tossed me to the sharks with this one. He should have came with, just because. This felt way too comfortable. Unlike yesterday, it felt natural, and it felt normal.

Like ain’t shit had changed between us but our clothes, really.

**“Whatever, man… and by the way, you look good too. You look good as fuck, actually. I hate that you have a bottom row in though, ’cause, y’know, I was sure this was meant to be platonic and casual, and now? Now, ion’ know anymore. You know what the fuck you’re doing.”**

**“What am I doing?”** He inquired, flirting with me. 

**“You** **_do_ ** **like this shit, don’t you? I didn’t forget.”** He whispered, and I pinched his side in frustration as he laughed. 

I opened my mouth to respond and closed it back as this unspoken understanding passed between us for a minute, like we were finally syncing up with each other’s thoughts again. Something shifted then, which resulted in both of us just shaking our heads at each other. 

**“You know I do. I almost let you bite me just now, but that’s not appropriate for the sidewalk.”** I teased him, and he smirked at me.

**“I didn't forget that you liked that, either.”** He lifted my chin, and I  _ was _ seventeen in that moment, and I wanted to pounce.

**“Listen, you ole’ Sequoia Tree ass dude…”** I kept my focus on him, looking up, into his eyes, and I inhaled softly.

He winked at me, and I rolled my eyes. God, he really knew how to make me feel seventeen again. I hated this, and to him, it was funny. At the same time though, I was doing better than I was last night. I missed him. I’m glad I didn’t take him up on his offer to ride around with him, because this was enough to make me wet, and we weren’t even doing shit.

Just standing here, staring into each other’s eyes, like fucking idiots in disbelief that we’ve finally reconnected without much of a fight.

**“Christopher Maurice, if you don't get me the fuck off of this sidewalk.. come on, I’m hungry.”** I rolled my eyes gently as he held my hand and ushered me into Bossa Nova.

Heads turned instinctively as we sat down together, and I actually didn’t feel on alert about it. I couldn’t deny the fact that as soon as I saw him, something clicked for me. Something that was previously turned  _ off  _ was immediately turned back on. His presence was a source of comfort for me. This was someone I could just be  _ me  _ around, someone who understood me. He’d always understand me. He’d be mine, no matter the time apart or the distance, and I knew that would never change.

Which is why it was easier than I thought to slip back into a place I hadn’t ventured in a long ass time. The comfort level between the two of us was like no time had passed, and that was as scary as it was welcoming. He kept smiling at me, and it was making me roll my eyes at him, even though I was smiling too. I could tell he was super happy though, because he couldn’t stop smiling. Showing teeth and all, and I felt ridiculously excited myself to have him in front of me. 

I was warming up. I was slowly lowering that guard, knowing that this was something we’d have to do alone, and I could handle that. He couldn’t stop smiling though, and it was making me blush in return, knowing I was the one to cause all of this.

**“Chris. Stop smiling at me.”** I scrunched up my face in amusement, and he ran his hand down his face, and shook his head.

**“I can’t…”** He exhaled softly as he looked at me, and I chuckled and focused on the colourful mural behind his head. He was going to make me blush, and I couldn’t shake my smile.

**“First of all, I’m just glad we’re anywhere together, right here and right now, honestly. I’m here, you’re here, by choice… and you look good as hell too. You’re a fine ass pineapple Kacie,”** He complimented me as I laughed and waved him off.

**“Shut** **_up,_ ** **”** I groaned softly as he smiled at me and grabbed my hand, and started stroking it. 

**“So, what are we getting? My stomach is growling.”**

**“I know you already know what you want, and I bet I can remember it,”** He challenged me as I rapped on the big clipboard menu with my free hand. I tilted my head at him and smirked, shaking my head in disbelief.

**“We only came here like, less than ten times. You sure?”** I recalled, and he nodded.

**“I mean, I still know you. I know what you like. That kinda shit doesn’t just fade. So sip your lemon water, and watch me handle it.”** He smiled as I shook my head at him and sipped my water, wondering if he could pull it off.

I stuck to the same things, but I also had favorites too, and I wondered if he could recall any of it. I was still smiling as the waitress approached our table and looked between the two of us before asking what we’d like as she sat down the complimentary bread on the table.

**“She’ll like the black bean soup, garlic bread, and an order of plantains as the starter.”** He ordered for me, and I laughed, a little bit impressed.

**“Her entree would be…”** He looked at me, and nodded like he had to think about it before rattling off,  **“Chicken on fire, double plantains, mashed potatoes, and asparagus for a veggie.”**

I tilted my head, impressed, and still not sure that he couldn’t read my mind. I sipped my water and held my hand up as the waitress looked at him to continue, and I shook my head.

**“Okay, well, since we’re obviously speaking for each other, he wants Yucca Fries as a starter, a half order of Pao De Queijo, and an order of Pico. His entree would be Christine’s favorite, medium, with extra asparagus.”**

**“And a pitcher of Ponche.”** We both added, and he shook his head. 

**“Ole jinx face ass,”** I laughed as he winked at me. Seeming satisfied and impressed, the waitress disappeared as I laughed softly at him.

**“I know what I’m talking about, girl. But, okay, so now that that’s out of the way, and it’ll probably be fifteen minutes before she comes back, can we Facetime Celeste now?”** He asked politely as I nodded and pulled my phone out of my purse. 

I was ready, but at the same time, I wasn’t. He was excited as hell, but I was a bit nervous. In a way, I felt weird. Celeste was about to take him from me, and I hadn’t had time to have him to myself yet. It was a strange feeling to address, so I swallowed it down and didn’t say anything until I could put it into words that made sense.

Instead of talking though, I smiled at him as I pulled my phone up, pointing it towards him.

**“First, smile for me.”** I instructed as he did, smile widely at me. I flicked my tongue across my bottom lip as I texted it to Les, and seconds later, she was calling.

His eyebrows went up as Erykah Badu’s version of  _ Hello  _ started playing, which was a ringtone she had chose herself. 

**“Mommy! That’s right now?”** She asked, excitement brimming in her voice. I nodded and flipped the direction of the camera, showing Chris across from me.

**“Oh my** **_God,_ ** **”** She exhaled, and he froze as I slid the phone towards him.

**“I don’t know what to say.”** They both admitted in the same tone, and I raised my eyebrow at him, and then glanced down at the phone, sitting on the table.

**“Say hi, Les.”**

**“Hi Daddy,”** Her voice was soft and hushed as he smiled, and inhaled softly.

**“Hi, Celeste.”**

They talked like they had only been apart for the summer, and it made my stomach knot up. She knew things about him, and Mike had kept him informed about her, so the developing conversation between the two of them was surprising.

I just sat there, really soaking it all in. For a minute, it felt like we were in a different place, in a different set of circumstances. She was at home, and we’d left for lunch, just escaping the house for a date. This was wild for me to witness, and I honestly didn't expect it to be so natural.

After finding out that she slept in the former guest bedroom and was currently down two mangoes out of the three she planned on eating while watching DuckTales, she stopped eating and started to bombard him with question after question after question.

I pressed my lips together and sipped my water instead of asking him anything as well, or answering for her, and just took the experience in as a whole. Her delivery was definitely crafted by me. That lil’ attitude in her tone jumped out before she corrected herself and took a deep breath, but I knew that it was more out of frustration than anything else.

I could just see her without looking at the screen, sticking her hands out in front of her to steady herself and calm herself down like I do, and scrunching her face up as her intensity and tone grew, tilting her head a lil’ bit, like he does. I watched his eyes well up with tears until they were literally falling on the table.

I closed my eyes softly as he wiped his face, and laughed.  **“Hey Celeste, slow down, okay? You don't have to ask me everything at once.”**

**“Okay.”** I think both of them were crying at this point.

**“Actually, Mommy calls me Les, or Star, but you can call me CJ.”** She spoke softly, and as she sniffled, I shook my head. Definitely my small empathetic and emotional baby.

Her voice was taking on that same quality it had when she first met Solange, and she was wrapping herself up in my arms, hype, but nervous as hell at the same time.

**“That’s what you want me to call you? CJ?”** He looked at me, and I shrugged. 

CJ was a new one. She usually preferred Les; several of her autographs were made out to Les. I was gonna let her rock with it though.

**“Okay, fine, CJ. I know you have so many questions, so what I'll do is, I’ll tell Mommy to send you my number and you can call me any time, okay? Any time you have a question, or want to know anything, call me.”** He told her as he wiped his face again. 

He was really in shambles right now, and it was surprising to see him crumbling. It didn’t make me feel better about the situation. The empathic side of me was actually developing a headache because of how he was going through the motions on the other side of the table. I hated how his emotions were spiraling out. He was growing sad, even though he was excited, and couldn’t stop talking. 

I was good at pulling apart the layers of his emotions, and it was making my insides twist as much as it was making me want to write. I had to do something with this emotional pull. It was as inspiring as it was lowkey gut wrenching to watch. Instead of being able to jot down notes on my phone, I had to do so on a napkin.

While I jotted down a loose couple of sentences and a bare bones opener of a scene, I listened to the two of them. She talked more than she let him talk, and started rambling. His smile never faded. She sang a little bit, played a few songs that she loved at the moment, and was definitely entertaining him like she would anyone else, but this was different. 

This was personally crafted by her. She started getting personal, and he hadn’t stopped smiling yet. She told him how tall she was, talked about her teacher, her favorite tutor, talked about school, she showed him how many teeth she had and didn’t, and she took down her hair, which was already hanging down to the sleeves of her favorite Black Panther hoodie.

They played a game of Top Five, where she learned his top five favorite foods, songs, and places he’d been. I wasn’t surprised that a couple of them, if not almost all of them, could be tied back to the two of us, and was something Celeste could agree on or grow curious about. He learned her top five favorite vacation places, cartoons, and colors before she told him she had to go, because it was later than she thought and she wanted to go to the beach.

**“The actual beach, or the backyard?”**

**“The backya- oh yeah, you have been here before, huh? I saw pictures.”** She laughed softly, and he nodded.

**“Yeah, I’m going in the backyard, but Papa doesn’t want me to take my iPad out anymore, ’cause I left it under the porch and it got buried in the sand a while ago, and I don’t want to break it. So, I’ll call you later Daddy, I promise. I love you to the moon and back,”** She told him, signing off with what we’d always part with.

**“Say it back.”** I had to top my water off as the call was ending. I’d already shooed the waitress away once.

**“I love you to the moon and back too, CJ.”**

His eyes were full of tears again, and it made me blink away tears of my own. The conversation wasn’t extremely long, but the interaction between the two of them made me emotional as well. I didn’t really realize how much I wanted them to talk, or how much I expected it to be harder than it was, until they just  _ did  _ it.

I think he felt the same way too, or at least, that’s what his face conveyed in the moment. It was relieving as fuck, and it honestly felt like last night’s huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. He passed me the phone back as the call ended, and I didn’t feel some kind of way that she had forgotten to tell me bye. 

**“She forgot about me already, huh? Well, I hope you know that she’s gonna call you all night.”** I told him as he nodded knowingly. 

He hadn’t said anything yet, and was still staring at the phone. I’m pretty sure Les would have answered if he called back, but I wasn’t sure if he was okay enough to suggest that.

**“Are you okay, Chris?”** My voice had gone soft again, and he finally locked eyes with me again.

**“I’m just… in shock. Like, Kace, baby, we really did that. Despite how things went, we really have a daughter together. I can tell just by the way she talks that she’s smart as hell. And, yo.. seeing her just… it’s different than pictures. I can really see** **_us_ ** **right there. That’s really my whole face, with your hair, and your eyes. That’s crazy.”** He softly mused as our appetizers were sat down in front of us, breaking our conversation for a moment. 

**“Sorry, I circled back again and it looked like a better time to interrupt. I'm just gonna set these down and I’ll come check on you two later.”**

Our waitress made quick dealings of situating our plates on the table before disappearing, and he was still wearing a look of awe. I leaned over the table and wiped a tear from his face with my eyes narrowed, and stomach flipping. He blotted his face as I smiled at him, and grabbed his hands in mine.

**“Yeah, it is. I told you, you obviously have some strong ass genes.”** I confirmed.

He lifted our joined hands and kissed mine, and I shivered at the sight of his elation about her. Part of me wanted to sink under the table. Some long buried part of me wanted me to snap out of this. I felt excited about it, that there was no hesitation on his part, but on the same note, it had to get to  _ this point  _ for things to make sense. For him to be hype about it. I wanted to be upset about that, but it was pointless. I felt some kind of way though, still. It was making me feel… 

It was making me feel something I couldn’t put into words, but I didn’t necessarily hate it. 

I didn’t know how to approach how comfortable I felt. I wasn’t sure what to really do, so I opted not to overthink, and just stay comfortable. But, in the back of my mind, in the small black box of my emotions that I had long stored away, I was cursing him the fuck out for this to be what we had become.

**“That’s really us. Her eyes though, damn. Those are all yours.”** He insisted, and I shook my head. 

**“She has my eyes, my hair, my mannerisms and she sounds like me now that the lisp is gone. She can do a good impression of me.”** I finally tore away from his grasp and his hands to eat, and I speared a piece of plantain. 

He hadn’t stopped staring yet. I eased up, just a little, and sat back until I felt my back connect with the seat again. He was looking at me with his emotions visible on his face, which was doing something to me. He was really fucked up over this. Internally, I was going haywire at the sight of it.

I wanted to get this food to go, go back to his place, and console him. He was making me feel like the old me. The me that had all of this to call hers. The selfish me, y’know? The me that wanted to just up and go wherever he wanted to go, ’cause I’d be by his side no matter what. I wasn’t sure what made  _ that  _ side of me pop out, but fuck…

I didn’t want to rush any of this. 

**“Don’t sell yourself short though. Everything else is all you, trust me.”** I smiled as he exhaled before picking up a yuca fry and dunking it in ketchup.

**“I haven’t figured out how I’m going to do it yet, but you know I’m going to make this up to you and her.”** Chris finally spoke up after we quietly ate for a bit. 

I could feel his leg against mine under the table, and it made me raise my eyebrow. His anxiety was ramping up, and I knew he needed to calm down again.

**“So, you’re gonna make up for lost time?”** I asked, and he shrugged a little bit.

**“I can’t say this is my attempt at making up for lost time, because it hasn’t really been necessarily that, it’s just been… a conflict between our two lives. You were doing you, doing good at it, and I wasn’t fit to do anything as good. But, I’ve been working on that. It took me a while, but I definitely needed to get my head on straight as I figured out how I was going to approach you about co-parenting.”** He explained as I listened to him, while stealthily stealing pieces of yuca away from his bowl.

**“We both needed that time apart. I mean, it’s better than me trying to, or possibly actually stabbing you instead.”** I wasn’t even joking about it. He just nodded in agreement.

**“Kacie, I fucked up.”** He uttered as my eyebrow went up, and I narrowed my gaze on him.

My heart was plummeting as I heard the anguish in his voice. I felt it. It cut me deeply. I urged him to continue without speaking as I broke off a piece of his bread, and waited patiently for him to elaborate on just  _ how  _ he’d fucked up.

**“I loved you hard, and I was stupid, and I fucked up in the worst ways. When it came down to us sitting down and figuring out where our relationship was going after you finally graduated, and had time to do whatever, I didn’t care what we did together as long as I had you with me.”** He explained himself as I sipped my water and looked around, thankful that no one was sitting close enough to listen to what was being discussed.

**“We don't live linear lives. We never have. There's always some kinda curveball, but I didn’t anticipate pregnancy being the curveball we’d have tossed in our direction. To be honest, I saw us running off and getting married and not sayin’ shit first, y’know? Just poppin’ up, with you as my wife, y’know, like… I don’t know. I didn’t think it’d be like that. Not at all, let alone me being too stupid to stick with you, and let you do that shit by yours--not even by yourself, but with someone else. I** **_fucked up_ ** **.”** He exhaled, and I swallowed softly.

**“For the last three years, I’ve been working out this Daddy thing, and it’s not as simple as I thought it would be, especially given the circumstances and the situation. But, I love Royalty, and I don’t think it’s fair that I’m not allowed to truly step in and show Celeste the same kind of love and affection.”** He spoke softly now, only pausing to drink water.

**“I wouldn’t make it a matter of fairness.”**

**“It’s literally always been the fact that you’ve never taken the time to orchestrate a move to meet her face to face. Now that you've done your bullshit and gotten your fill of that, you have to rebuild. I get that. I don’t want this to be messy, and I can think of a thousand reasons why it could be, and should be, if I was that kind of person, but I’m not, and you know I never will be, so you know you’ve definitely lucked up in that aspect.”** I explained, locking eyes with him.

I know he was treading lightly with how he tried to explain his side of things, but he brought out my attitude when he wasn't even trying to.

**“It’s not going to be super simple. I told you this yesterday. It’s not going to be a fairy tale transition, and it’s not like I’m not ready to figure something out. I’m anxious to start this off, but the right way. We have to focus on why we’re back in front of each other right now, and that’s Celeste… and Ro, too, but, mainly Celeste. I’m willing to be a part of both of their lives with you doing it with me, so I hope you didn’t think I was coming in to be selfish. I’m willing to hear you out on whatever you have to help the transition process.”** I ensured him, which gave him some relief.

His shoulders sank a little bit then, and my stomach knotted once more.

**“I’ve been trying to figure out for the last eighteen months how to finally, actually, do this. My head has been clear, my mind has been clear, and my bed has been clear… I really want to find a way to make things work out between us. I don’t want you to think that I’m coming to you with it now because she’s old enough to realize that she wants to know more about me, who I am, and she wants the chance to build a bond with me, but it plays a role in that.”**

**“If that’s not the reason, then why now?”** I found my voice again.

**“I’ve had a lot of time to do the wrong thing, and I'm tired of doing the wrong thing. When I sit and think about the** **_right thing,_ ** **all I can think about is what I lost when I lost you.”** He started to explain, and I internally shivered.

I hate how this was becoming a situation in which he was giving me all of the responses I wanted him to, like honestly pulling the expected responses out of my brain at this point. It what was everything I wanted to hear, with conviction and delivery and all of that. All of the shit that would be scratched off of a proverbial list, but it wasn’t enough.

**“I’m coming to you with this now, because I miss what I could have had. I miss the dynamics of something whole, you know, like, an actual family unit, something real, some actual fucking stability in my life. I miss that. I want that in whatever way I can get it, without starting all the way over again with someone else.”** He explained, making me sip water as I opted not to comment.

**“Like you like to highlight, we’ve never been truly traditional or conventional by any means, and it’ll be a true blended family situation that we’ll end up in. I get that. That’s fine. I’ve talked to Mike about it too, and I know you’re finally ready to try and to meet me halfway with this, I mean, at least on the co-parenting tip anyway.”** He revealed, and I nodded softly.

**“I want to get back there in some ways, but in many ways, I know that realistically, things ain’t gon’ be as easy as just doing it, y’know? I’d love to be one big ass blended family, but I have a lot of my own new hurdles to jump over before I’ll be truly content with it.”** I admitted, and he nodded in understanding.

**“I know. I don’t plan on going anywhere while you take you time to figure things out either. I was thinking, when we get to Virginia, I want us to sit down with Celeste, so we can talk. I know that you can break things down in a way that makes sense for her. I don’t know how we can get her to understand the situation fully, so that she doesn’t grow up thinking I just fully abandoned her. We can even do therapy. I just want to heal.”**

**“I’m ready, Kacie, for real. No more running.”** He broke a piece of bread.

**“Don’t bullshit me, Christopher.”** My tongue was sharp as my emotions overcame me, and the conversation was starting to make me tear up again.

**“I’m not. You’ve always been my relief, Kacie. It’s always been easy with you, and the one time it should have been the easiest shit ever, I had to make it the hardest thing you had to do, without me. I’m going to fix that. Ain’t no more looking back over the fuck ups. I really just want you, and… I can’t say, I wanna start over, but, I wanna start a new chapter for us.”**

**“A new chapter?”** I softly repeated, and he nodded. 

**“I just want to be able to be so much more than the things people expect me to not to be. And, I know if anyone will truly help me, I mean really help me get my shit together, it’s you. Right?”** The look of anticipation on his face made me scoff at him, and his face fell.

**“You do know I’m not your crutch or fall back plan, right? I can only help you if you're willing to actually accept it and know I only want what's best for you.”** I asked, in all seriousness.

**“I know that. That's why I’m asking for your help. I’m not asking for a lifeline. I want you to be there for me, to support me, help me, guide me… do the things we used to sit up and want for each other.”** He responded with just as much seriousness in his voice, and I pressed my lips together.

Did I want to think about the things we used to want for each other? As an adult, and not a seventeen year old anymore, did we still want those same things? Did we achieve any of what we talked about? If we didn’t, could it still be a reality for us?

**“We’ll have to put that all out there then. The things we used to want might not even be possible to obtain anymore. I can think of a lot of shit to keep you busy and right some wrongs, but you know it'll be hard. So, with that being said, you really still trust me that much to ask for my help and for me to pull you into my world now?”** I asked, and he nodded.

**“I do. I trust you, and I love you. I wouldn’t ask for your help if I didn’t need it. I’m admitting my wrongs and trying to make good with all of the people I care the most about. Starting with you and Celeste.”** He said as he finished off his fries, and looked up at me.

**“I promise you this. I’m not fucking things up again.”** He sincerely spoke as I nodded gently, and dipped a piece of bread into my soup.

**“I just want you to give me a chance to prove that I mean what I say.”** He looked at me, and I exhaled gently, ready to put this past us for now.

**“Well, you know me baby. I’ve never been too much for the words. You’re here, and it’s always been more so about action, so… whenever you’re ready to show me what you got, I’ll be watching.”**


	8. into you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm so into you, I can barely breathe...

| 7

**“So, is it bad that I want to post you on my shit?”**

He’s being a good boy, I’ll give him that. Or at least he was, until he asked me that.

I thought about what he said for only a moment. The format on his instagram hasn’t been personal shit in a long time. It’s been Black Pyramid reposts, the occasional photo of himself, RoRo, someone dancing, or a photomanip of him. I pulled his instagram up, and sometime within the last twenty four hours, he purged the whole thing. There’s nothing there. The few pictures of RoRo have been saved he said, so he’s not worrying about it. 

He wanted to show me off, huh? I turned my lips up to a smile, thinking about it. My mind was working overtime though, and I pressed my lips together as I looked over at him.

**“You want me to be seen, or is this your way of confirming that we’re out here on something? I wanna know what the story’s going to be that goes with this.”** I asked, and he chuckled.

**“Turn off work mode for me.”** He instructed, and I scoffed softly.

**“Shut up. That used to be my line. I just wanna know what’s up…”**

**“I want it to be put up there, ’cause I want you to be up there.”** He held my hand as I rolled my eyes at him, and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him on the sidewalk.

I felt myself blushing, and licked my bottom lip as I looked up at him.

**“You miss the fuck out of me, huh? You gon’ fall in love again, watch.”** I teased him, and he scoffed gently. The look he gave me made me curse softly.

**“Again?”** He tilted his head, and I pursed my lips as I opted not to comment on his tone.

**“You know I miss you. So, if I have to just open up instagram from time to time, just to see the fact that you were really with me, and I didn’t screenshot it or something, y’know, lemme do that. What’s wrong with that?”** He insisted like he had to work hard to convince me, and I shook my head at him. 

The longer we stood here though, just holding on to each other, eyeballing each other, resisting the urge to really go  _ in  _ on each other, we weren’t helping the situation. After our conversation had went from serious as fuck to just light and easy catching up, my whole demeanor had switched. I wasn’t going to deny the fact that this really was my first love, and deep down, this part of me I hadn’t tapped into in a long ass time still loved him. 

And, even more than that, despite everything, here I was, once again, vulnerable as fuck in his arms.

**“You’re going to do what you want to do anyway. Who am I to try and and stop you?”** I wondered outloud, and he licked his lips and tilted my face towards his, too smoothly.

**“You’re right.”** He quickly kissed me, and I exhaled softly. 

He had to get that out of his system, this I knew, but fuck, kissing him back made me moan into his mouth. Anticipation was a motherfucker. I couldn’t even be casual about the shit, but I knew better than to keep it up. I flattened my hand against his chest in an attempt to pause him, ’cause he would definitely do it again if I didn’t, and we were still on the sidewalk for anyone to see.

**“You probably wanted to do that since forever, huh...”** I asked, and he smiled.

**“Feels like I waited my whole life,”** He hummed, and I rolled my eyes. Corny ass.

**“Shut the fuck up,”** I smiled as he held me against his chest, like he had no intentions on getting off of the sidewalk.  **“Can we not continue to broadcast our business on Formosa though?”**

**“You right. But anyway, we should both do it,”** He insisted as we started walking down Sunset, where he’s promised to return me back to my car in a few hours. 

I stopped, tilting my head at him, and he laughed.

**“I’m not talking about kissing, either, I’m talking about the post. You post me, and I’ll post you.”** He said, like it’s going to help. 

For a second, this conversation makes me frown because I remember when this was the least of our worries, but now, with basically _everything_ that goes down out here, it's a part of the things we do together and I don't like it most of the time. But, t hey’re gonna talk anyway, no matter if I initiated the shit or I didn't. I had debating deleting my social media folder for a minute, ‘cause things moved faster now than they  _ ever  _ did prior to social media being a real force in culture. I could only evade the madness for so long, but on the other hand when it came to moving forward between the two of us, this was a start. 

There was no true reason for our posts other than us reuniting following yesterday. I had a feeling people would go  _ in  _ once these instagram photos got out, and added fuel to the flames. It was going to be a long weekend to come.

I scrunched up my face as I followed him to his car, where he let me in and I rested in the passenger’s seat for a few seconds, just in time to get spotted by someone taking pictures. Nosey men with their nose behind their cameras pulled me back to nineteen, and I shook it off. It’s one of those things I just always notice; most of the time I don’t even be honestly paying attention, but it just  _ sticks out  _ to me like a sore thumb. I do suck my teeth though, ‘cause someone could have documented all of the fuckery on Formosa, and I wouldn’t have paid any attention to anything until I saw it circulating for myself.

That’s how much I was into him.

We just sit for a minute, neither of us caring, heads pushed together, staring down at our phones. He was going to try to convince me anyway, but he didn’t have to do too much. I posted my food with a location tag, so why not post him too?

**“Yeah… I’m just giving you an emoji then,”** I finally countered, as I flicked through my emojis until I found the appropriate one. His picture ended up being captioned with the ’shrug’ emoji, and he laughed as he saw it. 

**“Just a shrug, huh?”**

**“Just a shrug. What more needs to be said?”** I confirmed, rolling my eyes when I get heart emojis from him in the comments, and in the caption when he finally hits post.

Two different photos from two different sides of the table have been posted, and he’s content as fuck with this. I ignored my inboxes and notifications, and looked over at him before crossing my legs and sitting back in my seat. He wanted to call Celeste back, but we’re on a different mission now. We’re going to get her sister, and the last thing I want to do is overwhelm her.

Her sister. Wow.

He navigates us towards traffic, singing the entire way there, with his hand protectively clasping my thigh. I started hip-rolling against the seat as  _ Sure Thing  _ by Miguel played, and he sang to me in a way that makes me shiver. I can’t deny that I miss this, and I’m obviously not alone with my sentiments, but I have to keep my head on straight at the same time. 

No expectations, no disappointments.

Shortly after we got in the car, where I got kissed at red lights and rolled my eyes with a smile throughout nearly the entire ride, I was melting. We pulled up in front of a nice sized house with a black bus parked on the side of it as our final stop, and I looked around, with the surroundings looking somewhat familiar. The bus read  _ Prestige Kids’ Spa Parties  _ on it, and I could hear the giggling of little girls, music, and smell pizza in the air. It took me a minute before I realized that I’ve been here before. 

It’s Jayceon’s house.

**“Cali wanted a pre-birthday birthday party before school starts.”** He explained as I followed him up the driveway. 

Working on  _ Marrying The Game  _ was my second major writing gig after  _ Love and Hip Hop,  _ something I kept at for the duration of the show’s run to pay the bills and pay for my education expenses. I’d known Cali and her brothers for a while now, and Jayceon was no stranger either.

It’s Disney Princess mania out here. There’s an assortment of little girls in here, in a wide range of ages, all having the time of their lives. Lil’ Miss Cali is being pampered, even though I know she doesn’t turn eight for a few months. She smiled widely at me, showing teeth as I smiled back at her, wanting a hug, but she’s busy, so I’ll wait. 

As we keep walking and I keep mentally taking tabs of who I see in attendance, I realize that it’s a bunch of celebrity babies out here. It's a roster of West Coast Royalty in the form of daughters, cousins, nieces, and granddaughters. I finally spot Royalty, whose with Dayci, getting facials. Maleah, who I’m not surprised to see here too, is having the time of her life. Any of his friends who has a daughter, has their lil’ girl here. There’s pink boas on everyone, and Disney Music playing throughout. 

All I can think as I watch them is, wow, Les would fucking  _ love _ this.

**“TeeTee Kaaaaacie!”** Maleah spotted me from the outside of the bus, looking more and more like Barry. She ran Chris over to hug my leg, and climbed up into my arms and held me around my neck.

**“Hi LeeBugg! Girl, you know you too heavy for this,”** I laughed as I scooped her up, and sat her back down gently after she nearly hugs me to death.

**“I haven’t seen you in almost five months!”** She yelled at me, and I laughed softly as I pressed my lips against her forehead. 

**“I know. I’ve been busy,”** I reported as she nodded, yet still pouted. I don’t miss his eyebrow going up, wondering how that happened, and I shake my head at him.

**“Can you tell LeeLee to Facetime me today?”**

**“Absolutely will.”** I promised as I felt Chris staring at me from across the yard. 

I ignore the feeling of being watched and focus on the girls. Dayci’s not that much older than Royalty, but it’s funny watching Royalty keep up as they sing Karaoke together. They both manage to hold their own and not compete, but share, and it makes me smile. Chris scoops up Royalty after they finish singing a song from the Moana soundtrack, and he walks her over to me, with Dayci following. I have no time to catch my breath, think about what I’m going to say or do, or any of that. I just… look at them, smiling.

**“Uncle Chris, ain’t this your girlfriend?”** She asked, with her face showing some kind of familiarity as she looks at me. I laugh and shake my head.

**“Hi Dayci, how you doing baby girl?”** I ask as she smiles at me, comes in for a hug, and then looks back up at Chris.

**“RoRo, say hi to Kacie.”** He instructs as she smiles at me, and then seconds later, stretches her arms out for a hug too. I’m actually surprised when she clings on to me, wrapping her arms around my neck.

**“Hi Kacie. My Daddy talks about you all the time,”** She says, very politely and articulate for four. I smile and hug her a little tighter. 

**“It’s so nice to meet you,”** She adds, and I smile at her as she climbs back into his arms.

**“It’s so nice to meet you too. You’re so pretty and big,”** I chuckle softly as she smiles at me and whispers into his ear, which makes me smile as he nods.

**“She** **_is_ ** **pretty, huh Roro?”** He looks at me, and she smiles, then stretches her arms out again, surprisingly wanting to come back to me.

I feel conflicted for a second, but then she whispers,  **“Is Celeste my big sister?”**

I nod. She smiles, then pulls back again. 

**“Can I Facetime her too?”** She asks, and I nod again before letting her go, and pulling my phone out of my bag.

My hand is shaking when I go back to the Facetime app, and walk outside with Royalty still on my hip. It’s effortless, and she clings like she belongs there. It makes my stomach dip as I call her, trying to still my hand. She answers within seconds, anticipating something big.

**“Les, I have a surprise for you...”** I smiled as she sat up, staring intently into the phone. 

I passed Royalty the phone and she immediately started screaming, which made me laugh.

**“Hi Celeste,”** Royalty smiles, and I put her down once I watch Maleah get off with Chris, and he approaches me as they head off towards the former pizza party setup.

I exhale softly as they sit in black chairs, both hovering over the phone, heads together like Chris and I had been not too long ago. He comes up behind me and throws me off, wrapping his arm around me. I don’t move. It’s ridiculous how comforting this is, and he knows this is everything to me.

**“So, you know me and my baby be talking. Lee and CJ are still long distance best friends, huh?”** He asks as I slowly remove myself from his arms, and he sits down, pulling me into a chair next to him. 

It's not close enough, and then, my chair is directly across from his. I tried not to laugh at the fact that I knew that he’s going to try and get as much physical contact out of me as he possibly can. He’s never been one for trying not to keep things simple either, but I know it’s in my best interest to make sure he keeps his hands to himself.

**“Yeah. I’m sure you know me and Barry still kick it when we can link up. He was out in Brooklyn about five months ago while we were still filming the finale for the first season, and he brought Lee with him.”** I pulled my work phone out and showed him some pictures, and his jaw was set hard, and I knew he was thinking about it.

**“She played with Celeste for the whole weekend for the first time in a long time. She wanted to come out for a week, but I had to wrap up filming, and before I knew it, it was Awards Season, and you know how that goes, it gets busy real quick.”** I explained as he watched Royalty and Maleah sit with each other, and nodded.

**“I shoulda came then too.”** He said, and I simply shrugged. 

He was here now, and that’s all that we really talked softly about until we were approached by Jayceon, who smiled widely at the two of us together.

**“What’s up? What’s up with this?”** He laughed, approaching us with cake. 

I shrugged softly and leaned in to hug him, and he pulled back to look at Chris, silently expressing something I couldn’t fully read in his eyes. I watched his gaze travel beyond us, and then back at us with his eyebrow up.

**“You ain’t tell me you were bringing both of your girls out here.”** Jay ribbed Chris, who shook his head.

**“Just RoRo today. Celeste ain’t here.”** He explained, while turning to look at me.

It felt so fucking foreign to hear him say her name so casually that I winced a little bit. It also made me wonder how many people  _ knew  _ Celeste was his. As far as I knew, he never brought her up, but I tucked that away to revisit later. Of course Jay knew, ‘cause I was still nursing Les when the first season premiered in November of ‘12. 

I watched Jay look out at the assortment of girls again, and as he spotted Royalty and Maleah together and hunched over the phone, he slowly turned back towards us.

**“So, your first baby momma is with you to pick up your second kid? Damn.”** Jay whistled lowly, as Chris shrugged and I winced again.

Hearing it like that as blunt as it was spoken made me exhale softly. I wasn’t gonna have much input in this conversation, but I definitely was trying to decipher what was going unspoken between the lines of it.

**“It’s kinda interesting to even see y’all together like this… as much as I know you wanted it, though. So, what’s the reason for all of this? Y’all finally trying the co-parenting thing?”** He inquired, and we both nodded. 

**“Trying.”**

**“Well, that seems to be the trend these days. Good for y’all. It’s gonna be an adjustment, and I really hope ya’ll can make it work.”** All I could do was smile softly.

**“Well, thank you for your appreciation, Jay.”** I looked over at Chris, who was tearing into the cake like we hadn’t just ate less than forty minutes ago.

He hadn’t moved, and Jay hadn’t stopped side eyeing him. It made me feel like I was truly missing something important with the whole situation, which made me speak up.

**“Why you keep lookin’ at him like that? What’d I miss?”** I finally asked, as much as I wanted to curse at his vagueness.

**“It’s just a bit surreal, that’s all. I’m rooting for y’all though. I never would have thought shit would be like it is, but it is what it is… But, fuck all of that. So, when are we going to let Celeste and Cali have a playdate? I bet she would have liked this girly shit.”** Jayceon asked me as he finally sat next to us. I smiled softly as my shoulders shrugged a little.

**“She’s in Virginia right now, then it’s back to New York for us. Whenever you’re on the east coast, hit me up. I don’t know when we’ll be back out here…”** I spooned frosting into my mouth, and looked over at Chris before I continued, and he was staring hard, and still silent.

**“But, I know when** **_he_ ** **gets his way, and he will, she’ll be out here at some point during this summer.”** I added, which made Jayceon nod before smiling at me.

**“I’ll make sure they link up again.”** I ensured him as he departed with a hug as he called out to someone else, and I turned back towards my silent companion with my eyebrow up. 

**“You too quiet over there,”** We stopped staring at each other, and he shrugged slightly.

Thinking quickly, I bent forward, smearing frosting on his cheek, just to get him to crack a smile. He did, and wiped it off with his thumb, and I smiled back at him as he ate more of the cake he had balanced on his knee.

**“Now, how'd you know that I didn't wanna lick that off, Chris?”** I pursed my lips as he cut his eyes at me.

**“Because if you did, you wouldn't have been holding back earlier when I kissed you.”** He spoke matter of factually, and I scoffed.

**“You don’t know me,”** I countered, to which he scoffed at this time, and narrowed his eyes.

**“Oh word? You’re not the forgettable type, babe.”** He swiped the frosting off of his cake and sucked it off of the spoon as he watched me cut my eyes at him too.

**“You are absolutely right…”**

**“Hey, are you finna get fat again? ’Cause I didn’t get to appreciate that.”** I asked, and he laughed as he shook his head, and decided to get up and smear frosting on the corner of my mouth. 

**“Nuh uh, don’t start fuckin’ with me now,”** I laughed as he pulled me closer to him, and I held my breath as I watched him closely as he moved in, and gently wiped his thumb against the side of my mouth.

He smiled at me before pressing his lips against the corner of the mess he’d made, and flicking his tongue against the corner of my mouth. I went in, instantly. Before the kiss could be too long or too deep though, I pushed myself back, stilling my shaking thigh.

We were both genuinely screwed.

**“See, if you ain’t gon be able to keep your hands to yourself, we gon’ have an issue.”** I could barely hear myself as I slumped back into my own seat and crossed my legs.

Chris said nothing, but I followed his eyes as he watched my thighs press together. His eyes hadn’t left off of me, and I inhaled softly as I gave him nothing less than eye contact as he looked up at me again.

**“We’ve had bigger issues.”** He countered as he finally spoke again, and I chuckled mirthlessly.

**“I have a boyfriend now, you know that.”** I insisted, and he waved me off. 

**“I’m not worried about it. He knows what it is.”** He reminded me, and I grunted in response.

**“I forgot how disrespectful you can be to other people’s feelings at times. Cut it out.”**

That shouldn’t turn me on. He simply shrugged, and didn’t explain himself. I clucked my tongue in response and shoveled more cake in my mouth. He put his hand on my thigh and looked at me, just letting it rest there, and he didn’t look away. I’ve seen this look before. He’s not necessarily hesitating before he attacks, because I know he’s going to, but he’s processing what to do next. 

He can't stop looking at me, and I can’t either look away from him either, but I want to. 

I need to. 

The sensation of him being right there, right here, with me, has been fucking me up since yesterday. Everything that comes along with being in his presence had been popped off like the cork from a bottle of wine earlier. The tension between us is thick as fuck, and while I know I can definitely get away with a few kisses, it won’t hold me. I wanna fuck him up, in more ways than one. I’m being roped back in, and eye contact has always been the key to doing that. Mentally, everything just kind of just slithers up from some untapped place inside of me, and it starts to choke me a little bit, but not in a bad way.

He started moving before I did. 

He moved his hand down my leg slowly until he reached my ankle, and pulled me closer to him. The chair I was in slid across the grass like a knife cutting through butter. I scoffed softly as I looked at him, and his mind was definitely made up in terms of whatever he was hesitating on doing. Sitting across from me with his legs open, swinging open and then close, just watching me without blinking, I know what’s up. 

I know this fucking look.

**“C’mere.”** He motioned, and I bit down on my lip. 

I don’t move. I want to. I don’t though. 

**“I promise I won’t bite you, and we both know I want to. Just come here.”** He asks again, pulling me into his lap as I extend my hand.

I don’t think twice about it this time.

**“What? Whatchu want?”** I swallowed softly as he looked up at me, and I squinted at him. 

I’m trying not to look at him head on. This is some Medusa shit right here, and it’s a fucking turn on. He knows this.

**“I just wanted you to know that there’s still things we have to deal with when it comes to the two of us that we didn’t touch on yet.”** He insisted, and I side eyed him. We sunk into each other, and he wrapped his arms around me.

**“I miss you. And it’s not just because I’m really turned on by seeing you like this, but I mean, I really miss you. I’ve missed out on being with you. I never had time to appreciate you as the mother of my child, y’know?”** He softly says, and I tilt my head to look at him, fucking myself up in the process as we lock eyes, and seconds later, kiss hard.

**“Appreciate or objectify?”**

**“Appreciate.”** He drawls, and I suck my lip back into my mouth.

I hate how much I want to kiss him again. His hand slides to the center of my naked back and stays there, warm and stable, and I try not to shift in his lap.

This wasn’t going to be as easy as Michael assumed, and we all knew this shit. I knew what I was feeling, and I knew what was going through his mind. Michael just saw the end result: the two of us being amicable with each other again, and things making sense and working out without issue. When I closed my eyes though, I saw that too, but, with polyamorous intentions.

**“You’re tryna set me up too, huh?”** I resisted the urge to move. 

**“You know all you’ve needed was a little push to show you that it’s all good. I don’t think I’ll be the one with my hand on your back this time though.”** He says, without saying much of anything, really, and his delivery makes my back arch.

I shiver, even though it’s hot as fuck out here, and it makes me shake my head at him.

**“What does that mean?”** I smile a little, curious at his wording, his tone, and the sensation that there’s something I’m missing here.

**“Oh, you don’t know?”** He teased, and I shook my head. 

There was a disconnect between us for a minute, and he didn't look pleased at my genuinely lost as fuck expression. He frowned, adjusted himself a little bit, and then scoffed. I was lost as fuck, and wanted to get up, but he kept me against him anyway. His flip switch attitude would never fail to surprise me.

**“Y’all still got some talking to do, I see. But, don’t worry about it. I’ll know when y’all do. For now, let’s just appreciate this right here.”**


	9. down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The way I see it girl, you a perfect ten  
> That's why I'm all on you baby, you got me wondering  
> What to do, what to say, don't want to come off lame  
> Girl, do you got a man?   
> Better yet girl, what's your name?

8 | down

Getting Froyo with Chris and Royalty wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

My head was still spinning from the conversation we’d had back at Jayceon’s, and I could still feel his lips and hands all over me. I knew that in the presence of Royalty, we’d have to chill though, and he actually sucked at it. I’ve been kissed several times, and he actually groped the fuck out off me the entire time we were debating on what kind of yogurt to get after situating Royalty with her own cup.

When we finally sat down, the tips of his ears were still red as he refused to stop linking our ankles together, and smiling at me. Royalty thought it was hilarious. I loved how she asked him every two seconds if I was his girlfriend again, as if that concept was something she fully understood.

We’d enjoyed our time together though, and she’s seen pretty much every picture of Celeste that I have on my phone, and made sure to fill my phone with pictures of us, and a bunch of selfies of her too. I found it funny that she just wanted to talk to me, and just latch on immediately, like we knew each other forever. She had a lot in common with Les, even with the two year age gap, and I knew once they actually got around each other in person, it was going to be an immediate click. 

She asked me a billion and one questions about her. She was so focused on trying to learn what she liked, what her favorite food was, and color, toy, really just trying to confirm what I heard them talking about earlier. It was surprising to me how much she wanted to get into Les’ life, and know everything about her. 

She asked if she could call her back, and they talked the entire time we were meant to be eating, which resulted in her basically ignoring her cup to talk. She managed to keep dipping her spoon into my cup while her Daddy thought it was the most cutest thing in the world though, and, I can’t front, it put me at ease with the idea that we could pull this off.

When she wasn’t talking our ears off, she was  _ all over me  _ and wanted to be held, and babied, and touch my hair, and ask me a thousand questions, and I wasn’t against it. I’d never feel any kind of ill feelings about the kid. Not as much as I would about how she got here, or her mother, or the fact that life is really fucked up sometimes.

Two cups of frozen yogurt later and a reassuring hand that hadn’t left my thigh later, it was getting late, and as much as I didn’t want to go, I had calls to return, and work-related things to do. I knew I couldn’t stay here all day, so after plugging my iPhone up to my portable charger, I tucked it back into my purse with a small frown as I made the decision to head back home.

**“I gotta get ready to get out of here, y’all. Can I have another hug, RoRo?”** I smiled as Royalty climbed into my arms and wrapped her arms around my neck.

I hugged her tiny body tightly against me as I saddled her on my hip, and we both watched Chris finish off her original concoction of Birthday Cupcake Batter, Churros, Strawberry, and Cap’N Crunch.

**“Look at your daddy being fat. Say, dang, Daddy, slow down,”** I shook my head as Royalty laughed.

**“Dang Daddy, slow down!”** She laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world when he pulled his face up from the bowl, and had a yogurt mustache.

**“Right, slow down.”** I grimaced at him, as he frowned.

**“Kacie, I kinda don’t want you to go,”** He stood up, with yogurt still thick on his top lip, and I grimaced again as I held in my laughter. He gently tugged at Ro’s foot as she laughed at him, and he went in for a kiss, putting yogurt on her cheek.

**“That was good, Ro. You gotta make sure we get that again. I knew you weren’t going to eat all of that.”** He teased her, and she laughed.

**“I liked Kacie’s stuff more,”** She insisted as I laughed and shook my head softly. 

**“It was good.”**

She was going  _ in  _ on my combination of cheesecake, strawberries, toffee chips, and cookies and cream. I ended up letting her have that one and making me another one. At least I knew if she had tastebuds like her daddy, which it looked like she did, she’d never complain about anything I fed her, and that made me smile.

**“It was good, RoRo?”** I questioned, and she smiled and nodded as she continued to grip my neck.

**“I’m glad you liked it. But, I gotta give you back to your Daddy now… I gotta get back home.”** I told her as I passed her off, but instead of her holding on to him, she frowned.

**“You gotta go home? You don’t wanna come home with us?”** She asked before I shook my head in the negative.

**“It’s not that I don’t want to, but I have stuff to do. Maybe later.”** I offered gently. 

It actually took a little back and forth between us before I promised her that we would hang out again. She finally managed to break free from my hold, and looked generally pleased, and that was good enough for me. She opted to sit back down on the pink plastic stool, and just  _ look  _ at the two of us before grabbing her abandoned tablet and going back to her games.

I wanted Celeste right here in this moment more than I had earlier when we pulled up to Jayceon’s. I didn’t know how to feel, and I hoped my face wasn’t displaying that. Chris had been quietly observing us and I felt like he knew that too. Les made sure to text me the thousand of screenshots she’d taken from the calls earlier, and it warmed my heart for real that her acceptance was immediate, and I knew she  _ needed  _ this.

**“Hey. Thank you for all of this,”** Chris pressed his lips together before he hugged me tightly, and ran his hands down my back. 

**“I know it was mentally a little bit uncomfortable for you at first… but thank you. She loves you already.”** He insisted, and I smiled gently.

**“I wasn’t worried about that.”** I kept my tone light, and he hummed softly.

**“She’s gonna wanna hang out with you as soon as she can. I do too. Whenever you’re ready… we’ll be ready for you if I have her. I don’t make it a habit to really going out and getting her when it’s not my time.”** He explained, and I simply nodded.

This wasn’t the time or place for discussing his arrangements with his second baby momma, so I just shook my head. There was no lull in conversation though; he brushed that topic off quickly and continued running his hands down my back, keeping me close to him.

**“You’re really about to go though?”** He asked, and I nodded.

**“I have some business to handle tomorrow, so, yeah. I’ll call you later, though. I know you’re going to find a way to get me back outside sometime this weekend anyway,”** I insisted, and he smiled, still showing the fronts, looking like he was up to something. My stomach dipped every time he opened up his mouth, and he  _ knew  _ this shit.

**“Possibly.”** He smirked, and I shook my head as I looked at RoRo, who was deep into YouTube Kids and ignoring us.

**“You will, ‘cause you ain’t shit just like I ain’t shit, and I probably would have popped up on you anyway.”** My softer than it needed to be voice admitted what I was thinking about as I leaned in towards his ear, and he nodded in agreement.

**“That’s because you miss me.”** He insisted, and gently caressed my neck. I narrowed my eyes at him as I felt a blush creeping up on my face.

**“How can I not? You’re right here, I gotta do something while I can.”** My filter was obsolete, and I needed to stop talking before I said some shit that would keep me here longer.

**“Hmmm. I’ma remember that. But, if you gotta go like you say, I’m not gonna hold you. Gimme one for the road,”** He pursed his lips and started in towards my face as I chuckled as I looked at him.

**“Skrrrrt. Where is your chill?”** I held my hand in front of his face as he laughed, and his hands slid to the center of my back again.

For like four seconds, I had KFC flashbacks and wanted to punch him in the face.

**“I missed your kisses, Kace. It hasn’t changed that I can kiss you all day long, if you’d let me. We wouldn’t even...”** He exhaled a little, and shook his head. I raised my eyebrow, watching him reel himself back in to more PG behavior.

**“Mhmmm. Don’t get started with the baby sittin’ right there.”** I scolded him, and cradled his face in my hands before gently connecting our lips together.

That wasn’t enough for him. It never was enough for me, either. We kissed briefly, slower, and thankfully it was a bit empty in here so nobody was really paying attention once he pressed his forehead against mine, and pecked my lips again. 

**“You ain’t even been a whole forty eight hours back in my presence, and here you are, constantly pushing the boundaries, Brown.”** I whispered, and he chuckled, which sent a shiver up my back more than anything else.

**“Go home and talk to your boy. You gone learn that ain’t phasing me. But, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. I miss you more than anything in the fucking world, and I mean all of you. All parts. I feel like we’re back here on the dates we used to have when we first decided to move in together….”** His ears were red. I pulled back away from his ear, but only after gently kissing underneath it.

I knew that shit turned him on more than anyone did, and he fisted my shirt to pull me back into another kiss that damned near took the lingering taste of yogurt along with it. I swallowed softly and tasted nothing but Capt’N Crunch as he looked at me, eyes on fire, wanting more.

**“Yeah, we gon have to talk at the house. I can’t get started in here wit’chu.”** We pulled apart and he licked his bottom lip before coming in again, and kissing me softly again.

**“So, stop kissing me then. Slow down. You promised not to go anywhere. I’m not going anywhere anymore either. Slow. Down.”** I looked at him, and he nodded softly.

**“Slow down. I still don’t have any expectations, and you’re not going to disappoint me three times in a fucking lifetime.”** I whispered sharply, and he glared at me.

**“I don’t plan to, either. So, again, go home to your boy, Kacie. You know how to get at me when you’re ready.”** He pushed me away, just a little, and I knew it was hard for him to do that.

I didn’t want to leave, but I needed some air though. Things shifted quickly, and I could see us having sex as soon as we could if this kept up, or arguing for God knows what kind of unresolved issue this time. 

It would be easier to just do like he said, and go home to  _ my boy  _ instead. 

I exhaled before going back over to Royalty, dropping a kiss on her forehead, and waving as he picked her up from the stool and watched me go. I could feel his eyes burning a hole into my back as I exited the cool Froyo spot for slightly humid LA weather.

I stood on the sidewalk for a minute, trying to compose myself before I decided to get back to the car. I knew that we’d have our time to argue and get through any disagreements or anything we still needed to address, so it wasn’t going to be all sexual tension and the revelation that being apart was literally the most fucked up thing we could have done to each other.

I didn’t  _ want  _ to fight, but we were born stubborn in that matter. We were both holding on to some shit that we hadn’t brought up yet, in favor for reconnecting physically, because that always would feel better. It’d be best for us to be riding high on good sensations before we felt like we were being punched in the throat by delivery, tone, or subject matter.

I wasn’t going to try and unpack that shit right now. Minutes later, before I was even a few feet away from the door, I felt a tiny hand grasping mine. I looked down, somewhat surprised to see Royalty there.

**“Daddy said we gotta walk you to the car. Hold my hand, okay Kacie?”** She softly insisted as he caught up, and stood next to me. 

It wasn’t a far walk back to the parking spot by Bossa Nova, so we walked in relative silence. He held my hand as well, and a couple of people looked back at us, but no one stopped us. When we got to the car, he sat Roro on top of his as he opened the door for me to get into mine, and I sighed gently.

**“Call me later.”**

**“No actually, come through, if you can.”** He insisted, and I nodded in response as he stopped me from getting in, and kissed me softly again.

**“I see what you mean when you say this shit won’t be easily done, already. I apologize. I’m for real about you coming through though. No bullshitting, no sideways shit… I appreciate you for everything we’re about to do, and everything we’ve done, good or bad. We’ll talk later.”** He insisted, and I inhaled gently. 

I was about to fucking cry, again.

**“Later, babe.”**

...

The movies never show you the part when the main character is stressing over their decisions in a way that’s understood, but lemme just say: BITCH, I AM STRESSING.

I don’t think I’m going to link up with him later. Only because I need to process my feelings, and as soon as I was alone, they truly were all over the fucking place. I need to go home to _ my boy _ , like he said, definitely. 

My boy.  _ My Boy.  _ Nigga….

But, no, me and Michael need to talk about a lot of shit.

My time here in Los Angeles wasn’t meant to be a stage set to journey through my past and present relationships. It wasn’t. I’d been here so many times since I’d left for good, with or without Les or Mike, that it didn’t matter if I was going to run into Chris before. I had avoided him, and even after a while, it didn’t matter if we ran into each other because there was this unspoken rule that he wasn’t going to approach me, and I wasn’t going to approach him either, so shit…

To be honest, I was just to blame as he was if we wanted to get down to the bottom of him not being around. He honestly did wind up having a series of bad decisions to deal with once we were done, and with me there, a lot of that shit could have been avoided. But at the same time, that wasn’t by my control or by design at all. He was always going to do what the fuck he wanted to do, because it made sense to  _ him,  _ and that included not being directly involved in Les’ life until he was ready, and I hadn’t sat back and got in my feelings about that for a long time.

I wasn’t really in that mindset now. I knew I would have many more fatherless child revelations to follow, and I wasn’t going to highlight it now. I was stuck on  _ us, _ not even personally, but publicly, because that would be what would really set the tone for whatever we would end up doing next.

I was a bit worried about this coming out as a story, and people talking about us, on, what the fuck this was going to do to my relationships, my career, my fucking life in general, really, because there was no separating from this situation. Like, there was honestly so much for me to stress over, but you know what I couldn’t get out of my head?

His smile with those fuckin’ fronts, making me feel like a bird, and just… 

_ Fuck.  _

Right now, I was more fucked up over the fact that I was going home and it wasn’t with him. Now that we had been face to face with each other, after all of that bullshit we had endured after we separated, I knew that nothing had changed. I could never truly turn off how I felt about him initially, and him stepping up, and showing me how much he missed me in just that short span of a time really confirmed that for me. 

When it all boils down to it, I don’t think I should go, for real. I probably won’t tonight, maybe tomorrow.. if I’m free. I’m prolonging the inevitable. We’re going to end up doing either some really stupid shit together, that’s going to hurt a lot of people’s feelings when it’s all said and done, and I know that. 

I missed him though, and mentally, I was going through it. I felt seventeen again, like I was trying to convince my daddy that this was  _ love,  _ for real, and there was nothing that was going to rip this apart for me. Everything about being with him was the foundation I needed to prepare me for everything that followed after him. He was the source of so many of my firsts, my ups, my downs, he was always there for me, everything to me, and I truly loved… love him, with all of my heart. 

I can’t turn that off.

This thing with our daughters is going to break both of us. We’re synced up, and I know he was having some of the same thoughts I was while we interacted as a trio, and he didn’t even have to say it. It’s funny how he misses someone he’s never talked to, who’s wanted nothing more than to be a part of his life, and she feels the same way. The time that we spent where we had to sit and watch him be successful with someone else was painful, but we want to move forward. 

We’re going to have to figure out how to do it, and we will do it. We’ll address that together as parents before we even try to unpack it with our six year old, and who knows what else that conversation will lead into. My stomach dips just thinking about it. 

I have enough shit to worry about as we’re seen together, and people are talking about a  _ reunion. _

The continuation of the Kacestopher reunion had already started forming after we’d been seen together in Jayceon’s IG story and on his page. It was only further confirming we were out here doing  _ something  _ together. I knew Twitter and the gossip blogs were having the time of their lives with this shit, and this was only day two.

I knew that someone had to have seen and photographed the three of us together, ‘cause once I finally looked at my phone again, it was popping with new tweets, mentioning us with Jayceon’s twitter handle.

**@gvbegvbe:** oh so @thegame just out here giving us the play by play of @chrisbrown and @kaciedevaughn reuniting huh? 

**@hollywoodheatblog** : oooooh @thegame @chrisbrown @kaciedevaughn *emoji eyes*

**@mrscbrown_1993:** lemme find out @thegame giving us those OG #kacestopher exclusives omfgggg, i see yall @kaciedevaughn @chrisbrown

All I could do is shake my head. People were talking before there was anything to truly discuss, it was annoying. There was so much shit that would eventually form as a story to be told, whether it be by our doing or someone else’s, and that weighed on the forefront of my thoughts as I tried to process the end of the week as it developed.

Yesterday was a lot, and I knew it was the beginning of whatever was left to come, and with everything was revolving around the state of my relationships, I felt some kind of way. I felt some kind of way because I knew it wasn’t just going to be something explored between just Michael, Chris and I, but Don would eventually worm his way into things too. 

I needed to pull over, and sat in a CVS parking lot, frowning.

I sat there for the longest, wondering how things would be as they did form, because this wasn’t going to fall on them, but me. It was going to be fucked up, I mean, everyone was going to have some role to play in things. 

I guess I could be grateful that they were just excited to discuss us together, and not start digging deep into the situation, location, or any of that. The pictures of us with RoRo had been posted from somewhere though, and that started a conversation that I wasn’t looking too deep into.

I had my own daughter to worry about, and he was still surprising the fuck out of me as I mentally recalled all of the people who mentioned Celeste by name, that I had no idea knew about her. Chris had a whole six year old out here that the people who did know about, kept under wraps, and I appreciated that more than anything. Once we were seen interacting with RoRo together though, I couldn’t wait to see what would come out of that.

There was just so much to stress over, y’know?

Whenever it managed to get out that he hadn’t physically seen Les since she was one, oh, it was going to be  _ bad.  _ We hadn’t even talked about  _ that,  _ and I knew that was going to be set up to hurt  _ everyone  _ if we didn’t figure out how to deal with it early on.

Michael had raised someone else’s child for  _ years  _ and he would probably be commended for it, after the majority of the world stopped calling him a dumbass for it. He had been the one they had seen with Celeste since her birth, and no fight was put up as he claimed her. They didn’t need to be that deep into my business, even if she  _ did  _ look like Chris. It was going to go either way with that. 

Things weren’t over in terms of drama and mess, though. I don’t know what was going to go down when shooting started. Or how it’d look as Writers Room photos and behind the scenes videos got out. Donald would be all up in there. I knew how to keep my distance from him in order to keep the heat off of him, but sometimes, certain media outlets took whatever they could get on him and ran wild with it. Once they started talking shit about Don and I, who couldn’t even stand next to each other without physical contact of some form, what was this going to end up as?

And not to mention, not to fucking mention, everything that had transpired yesterday snowballed into some shit today, and, I knew, would end up being  _ more shit  _ before we left for Virginia. 

I kept staring into my phone, just looking at a different set of tweets, but still not really loving what I was seeing, to be honest. Michael’s attentiveness towards me and our PDA was always the highlight of his lil’ fansites, and the ones for me that had started to develop had  _ no idea  _ what to do about Chris. They were too keen on either shipping me and Mike, or had a strong tendency to highlight the intimacy between me and Don. Reintroducing Christopher into all of that was going to be a mess.

I felt like a hypocrite already. I was a hypocrite, honestly, because I talked all of that shit, I felt the way I felt for  _ so long,  _ turned myself totally away from him, didn’t even attempt, was so stubborn…And as  _ soon  _ as his ass was back in front of me again,  _ trying,  _ I was sucked back in. I definitely had to let Mike know, too. We’ve had rougher conversations together, but, maaaaan…..

Fuck. This was honestly, truly, bothering the fuck out of me. I feel like if I didn’t get out of this fucking parking lot and talk to someone about everything I was feeling right now, I was going to be no good to anybody.

…

**“Babe, I’m a hypocrite,”** I called Mike from my Apple Watch in the garage, and I feel like my voice had more emotion in it then I anticipated.

**“Why? What happened?”**

I felt like my fucking eyes were going to cross at how confused and hype I was, and honestly, I was turned on too. Playing the situation back in my mind was not helping how much I was trying to convince myself not to pull up on him, which is why I was trying to talk myself out of it.

I was ridiculously fucking turned on, and had to stomach it until I got back here. I don’t think I’ve  _ ever  _ gotten out of the car that fast in an attempt to get in the house.

**“So much. Like, what the fuck?”**

Michael laughed on the other end of the call, and I rolled my eyes, anxious to get into the house and find out where he was. I closed the door behind me and locked the car as I stretched, and walked into the house with an exhale.

**“It was eventful as fuck, and revealing. And, I think you know it too, because no matter how angry I was yesterday when I was venting, today was hella different. When we ate and we called Les, who wants to be called CJ by him, by the way, she was over the fucking moon about it. It made me feel… sad, and happy at the same time, y’know? There wasn’t the disconnect I had been anticipating and I know I can thank you for that. But, when we spent time with Royalty today, and had that parental interaction? I couldn’t stop thinking about how this is supposed to be both of us doing this, with both of them. Seeing him be a daddy ain’t help how I feel either... I just feel so fucking weird.”** I complained as I stepped out of my shoes, and moved with fervor.

I finally found him sitting in the kitchen, in a pair of grey cut off shorts and nothing else, drinking Martinelli’s apple juice. He held his hands up at me as I cut my eyes at him, still trying to piece my emotions back together. 

**“And then, he’s pushing me to talk to you. And, I don’t know what y’all have spent all this fucking time talkin’ about when it wasn’t about Les, but y’all are plotting or he knows something that I don’t know, or what… I feel left out.”**

I rarely felt out and out of the loop, but right now, I wasn’t sure what their intentions were. Whatever it was, I knew it was something they had been discussing for a while, for  _ years  _ maybe, without my input. I knew they operated on a level of understanding that only revolved around my comfort, and I loved that, even when I wasn’t in the mix of things. And as appreciative of that as I was, I didn’t want to bring him up to speed about how I felt or what I had done today.

It had been a long car ride over here by myself, and the last thing I wanted to do was fall apart, but I wasn’t going to go into this situation blindly. What was I going to do if we couldn’t find a balance? If I had to choose? I just wanted something to work out. I knew that  _ they  _ wanted something to work out too, and I couldn’t front, I felt  _ so fucking bad  _ because Michael wasn’t on my radar  _ at all  _ since yesterday, and that wasn’t good.

Chris pushing me back into Mike’s arms felt like the complete opposite of all the times in which Mike would push me back to Chris before we even kicked anything off. So many times I’d talked about how easy things would be if I never had to choose between the two of them. Back when they both fucking hated each other and resented the other for the relationship we had, I always said that having the two of them would solve so many issues and all of the drama...

I hadn’t brought that up in  _ years.  _

I had a feel as to where things would go if I did, but without Chris actually being around, all those late nights of playfully suggesting, and contemplating how that would even work, be accepted, or make sense, was just bullshit rambling between the two of us. It wasn’t a concept that was meant to be anything real, but, I never sat back and thought about how it would be if it was. There was a lot to lose here, as well as there was much to gain too, true. I mentally weighed the pros against the cons, and there was so much more to lose if something were to go left… 

I was still willing to attempt it though.

Chris didn’t indulge my curiosity about it either, but I knew his tells, and as the whole conversation started to replay, he hinted at it the entire time we were still at Jay’s, but didn’t flat out say anything. I wanted to bring it back up. And, I knew it would be better to pull myself together and to come at Michael rationally, and dig up a different brand of confidence that I hadn’t needed to unleash on him in a long time. 

I didn’t know  _ everything,  _ but I wanted to. And, with the way I was feeling, I was going to use it to my advantage while I figured something things, too.

**“First of all, let me start by saying that I realized it could be worse. Did you know that Liv Tyler didn’t know that Steven Tyler was her dad until she was eight years old?”** Mike started to talk, and I glanced at him.

He must have been tipped off about my mood, but he wasn’t anywhere near in the realm of what was really wrong with me. I still allowed him to talk as I went into the fridge and pulled out a drink. I swallowed down the majority of the passion fruit tea before looking up at him.

**“Also, Chuck Norris didn’t know he had a kid until she was twenty six. That’s WILD.”** Michael continued to spit out random facts as I dropped my purse on the table, and glared at him.

**“Can you relax for like two seconds, please? Please.”** I held my hand up as I stood across from him, and he looked at me.

**“The girls aren’t what has me stressing right now. It’s not the point of how things got from point A to point B when it comes to the girls. First of all, our two situations were absolutely different, and that’s not my issue.”** I took another long swallow of the tea and sat it back down as I stepped in front of him, glaring at our height difference as he sat on a stool, and turned to wrap his arms around me.

**“So, what’s the issue?”** We looked at each other, saying nothing for a minute, and I finally cracked after trying to endure his staredown.

**“I miss him. It really hit hard once we were right there, ’cause it felt so fucking natural that I had to stop myself from falling back into old ways, and that’s the issue. The issue is all of the shit I still can’t get over. I was on fire when we were together, and I had to extinguish that shit. I had to let it smolder.”** I insisted as I looked at him, and he shrugged his shoulder slightly.

**“We need boundaries, but I feel like he honestly won’t even respect them, you know? As soon as we got back in front of each other, it was like the shit we’d gone through for the last seven years ain’t mean shit. That felt like a mommy daddy lunch date.”** I pressed my lips together, and looked at Michael as I swallowed down more tea, in an attempt to shut myself up.

He raised his eyebrow at me, and I kept my eyes on him, waiting for some type of monologue to follow. His lips turned up into a smile, then he laughed. I frowned at him.

**“Oh, yo, I’m thinking there’s really something wrong,”** He took one look at my serious face, and laughed louder, and I slapped him in the chest.

**“What’d you mean** **_really something wrong?_ ** **There’s a lot wrong with that!”** I asked him, and he chuckled as he took another swig of his juice, and pressed his lips together.

**“What, your mommy daddy lunch date ain’t come with enough Daddy time? ’Cause you’re a little tense. A little antsy. A lil’ bit frazzled. So, what did he do?”** His eyebrow went up, and he licked his lips.

**“Did he pull you into him like this, try and kiss you?”**

Using the same tactics he pulled on me on the sidewalk, Michael was spot on as he wrapped his hands around my waist and pulled me into him, and I inhaled sharply as he pressed his lips against mine. I shook my head gently as I kissed him back, but frowned afterwards.

One kiss led into several more before I pulled away from him, and he bit down softly on my bottom lip. Fuck. I had shifted my weight on my toes then, determined to keep the upper hand, and licked my lips.

**“You know damn well he pulled a sneak attack kiss on me. But, I expected that too. I wasn’t stressing over that. At one point though, I was** **_this close_ ** **to him,”** I nestled myself in between the gap of his open thighs, and kissed his neck, and his hands slid up my back.

**“And you know how I get, and you know that I know how he gets… but I didn’t act on it.  I mean, we were outside, not that it matters… but, y’know, I just…”** My focus had disappeared as my words were being delivered slower and slower, and he knew what I wanted.

**“You wanted to fuck him, but you’re beating yourself up about it. Be honest. Speak straight with me.”** He looked at me, calling me out. I couldn’t even respond.

His hands slid down to my thighs, parting them. He bit down on his lip and pulled at my skirt, making it fall to the floor in a puddle and effectively shutting me up for a minute as he palmed my ass in his hands.

**“You’re wet as fuck. You thought about it, huh?”** His hands were all over me, immediately, making me gasp. I moaned softly as he slid his finger between my slit, and my body instinctively bucked towards him.

I was lifted onto the countertop, and I inhaled sharply. His lips were on my neck in a heartbeat, and I nodded as I pulled back a little bit, driving a gap between us with my hand against his chest.

**“You can’t act like I wasn’t going to have to deal with it as a reality,”** I softly reasoned, and he bit down on his bottom lip as he looked at me.

**“I ain’t worried about it.”** He uttered just like Chris had, and I inhaled sharply.

**“That’s because y’all are up to something.”** I kissed him hard, pulling him back into me, and he chased my kisses with just as much intensity as I was giving him.

**“Whatever it is, I want you to make sure it’ll be a good thing for us. I want my boys to be happy too.”** I pulled back as I held his face in my hands and kissed him again, which made me moan into his mouth.

**“Your boys, huh?”**

My boys? Where the fuck was my head at? I nodded in response as I pressed my lips against his again, and he lifted me up, making me squeal.

**“C’mon. Let’s go.”** He held me tighter before picking me up, and carrying me away.

…

_ Chris: _ Bailey aint trippin about it, but your ass still ain’t left, huh?

I glared down at my open text thread, and left him on read. See, I could read the man I still call Bailey, like the back of my hand. Even though I know the B stands for Bakari, it’s the longest running joke between the two of us, despite me knowing full well his name is Michael. 

I mean, when he worked at the Apple Store, his badge  _ did  _ say Bailey, and I don’t think he ever bothered to get it fixed. I guess it didn’t matter, as long as his checks back then were addressed to the right person. _ Bailey  _ has become like a code name over the years when I don’t want to explicitly mention him by name, and others who are hip uses it too.  Chris, however, was being a dick, because he  _ never  _ calls him that. We weren’t gonna go  _ there,  _ arguing about me not being next to him when it’s been less than four hours since we’ve separated. I wasn’t going. He’d be aiight.

I pressed my lips together as I glanced at  _ Bailey’s  _ back, naked as hell, reddened in some spots with marks from my fingernails. I snuck up behind him and gently kissed the spots, and he hummed in content.

**“What happened to you sauteing the green beans?”** He asked as I wrapped my arms around him and gently scored his chest with my nails, following the same path from earlier.

**“I got distracted. My bad,”** I apologized softly as I pressed my face against his back, and inhaled softly. I loved how the Creed shooting had him bulked up, and I  _ loved  _ how secure and safe he always made me feel.

I was distracted as fuck, though. 

We often made dinner together when we could, and tonight was no exception. Our dinner was simple, but the fact that we could co-exist in the kitchen meant a lot to me, ‘cause this was another place where I felt like I was at home, and no one could intrude on it. We had been talking before I zoned out, and our conversation had been revolving around the same topic since I got home: the developments with Chris. 

I appreciated the fact that there was understanding in our discussion, and no judgement. We talked about the sexual tension, the fact that I didn’t want to make things  _ too  _ sexual if we were to create a parental bond, and things we’d had to face that me and him didn’t have to stomach. It would be different as fuck, and while I loved him for being as understanding and reassuring as he was, I don’t think he understood how he was throwing on a layer of pressure about the whole thing.

What I couldn’t really understand was why, after eight months of really sticking things out with him, that I felt like I was being pushed into a situation that probably was going to blow up in my face. I felt like once this really got out, not just with the speculation that had been making its rounds for the past two days, but once there was substantial evidence that  _ something  _ was going down, it wasn’t going to feel the same anymore.

He just wanted harmony. I understood that. As long as he was around, I wanted that, too. I knew where he was coming from. I understood his passion about making things work, and to be honest, everything wasn’t necessarily going to be as black and white as it used to be a while ago. Everybody was going to end up being judged for some reason or another, and all of our moves would become microscopic. He wasn’t seeing  _ that,  _ but I also feel like being with Chris, and knowing the kind of publicity he attracted, that in a way, I was prepared, but I could only be prepared for  _ so much,  _ so when a curveball came, I wouldn’t know what the fuck to do, and neither would he. 

All of his drama usually revolved around someone throwing a bitch fit over his choice of girlfriend, or picking on him for his acting skills, which, was subjective in terms of discussion. He never had any huge scandals, and when it finally got out that he had spent his time raising Chris’ oldest daughter as his own, motherfuckers weren’t going to shut up. 

If the relationship between us broke out into something poly-amorous, it was  _ really  _ going to be chaos. I knew deep down, that’s what he was pushing for. I just had no idea how it was going to work in anyone’s favor.

**“So are you going to tell me why you’re still here? He texted me, told me he invited you to come back… you don’t wanna go?”** Michael stood behind me then, pulling down plates from the cabinet, and sat them on the counter.

I shrugged softly as I stirred the green beans in the saute pan, and focused on our food. He looked at me, and I shrugged my shoulder again. He glared at me then, and moved my hand away from the wooden spoon, and clucked his tongue at me.

**“Why not?”**

**“I don’t know. He wanted me to come to his house, and I told him I’d see him later, but I’m not going. I need a small break, already.”** I explained as he folded his arms across his chest and looked at me.

**“Did you at least tell him why you weren’t coming?”** He asked, and I shook my head no.

**“You should. Don’t leave him hanging. I’m sure he’ll understand.”** He insisted, and I shrugged my shoulders gently.

**“Okay so, what the fuck, lemme find out you're trying to put me out,”** I craned my neck at him, and he laughed and threw his hands up.

**“No, babe. I'm just trying to understand why you're not there. Like, are you okay? You good?”** He asked, and I shrugged my shoulders again. 

**“I mean, today was** **_a lot,_ ** **yeah. A lot to process. A lot to try and figure out how it's going to fit with everything else going on. And then, it’s weird, because I can’t fully put how I feel into words, and you know that’s not good. That’s what I’m good at. I can’t explain how this makes me feel other than conflicted.”**  Explained as my iPhone buzzed against the table again with another incoming text, and I sucked my teeth.

**“And on top of that, this is supposed to be** **_our time together_ ** **, no matter how busy you're bound to be. I don’t want you to feel like I’m not giving you the attention that you need because he’s back. I know we don’t have a lot of time together, and you’re becoming secondary as fuck, and it’s not purposely.”** I looked at him, and his jaw clenched.

**“Is that what you think?”** Michael asked, and I pressed my lips together.

**“That’s what it seems like I’m doing, and I don’t want you to take it personally.”** I said, and he shook his head. 

**“I’m not. We’ve had our time to talk and figure the situation out like men before he decided to finally come to you about it.”** He insisted, and I remained quiet.

**“I know that, but I swear I don’t get what y'all are doing.”**

**“Nah, what you’re not getting is that you want the both of us, and we’re okay with that.”** He stated, and I narrowed my gaze at him.

**“And as long as you feel weird about it, like you’re forgetting about me, it’s never going to feel natural and there won’t be any balance. It has to settle in a bunch of other ways first before you even find comfort in it.”** He turned back to the stove and stirred the potatoes as he continued to talk, and I pulled myself up on the counter.

**“I’ve known you just as long as he has, Kace. and I know how you get about certain things, and how you want control over certain situations, and ultimately, how much you really care for the both of us, but especially him. We talked about** **_all_ ** **of that. I just feel like once you get comfortable again, you’ll understand what’s going down between the three of us won’t be so bad.”** He pushed a spoon filled with potatoes towards my mouth, and I tasted it with a small smile.

**“It’s good.”** I reported as I crossed my legs, and he moved closer, opening them to stand in between them. He leaned to turn off the heat, and I exhaled softly.

**“Just relax. I don’t want you to feel like you’re pushing me away, or whatever you’re coming up with up there. I’m just busy and won’t be in front of you like I want to be, but y’know, I trust you, first of all. And I’m not going anywhere, second of all. Y’all just need to work through what you gotta work though, and then, we’ll all reconnect. I promise you, it’s all good.”** He insisted as he pecked my lips, and I gently rubbed his biceps.

**“It’s better than you tryna hide shit from me, okay? I get it. I do. And, if you can commit, manipulate, and control this… it’ll be easy. I feel like we’re mature enough to pull it off. Maybe we can link up sometime next week, and sit down and discuss things.”** He softly insisted, and I nodded.

It didn’t sound bad, but that was one of his superpowers. He had the ability to break bad news, or sway anyone to do things they really didn’t want to, just by being as persuasive as he was. He wanted this to work, and I did too. As much as I stayed in my head about it though, I knew I was going to be stubborn forever. I wasn’t going to do anything until I was ready, and it made it make sense to myself. 

Still, that didn’t mean shit. The situation as it was wasn’t going to do much but continue to develop no matter what the fuck I did, so, I decided to just… try myself. That’s just how I was, and he knew that, too. Like all things, all they needed to do for me to make it work myself was give me time. It was something I didn’t always have, but, I always made it work.

**“We can do that, and we should. Also, we can just have a date together.”** I suggested after much mental debating about everything, and wondering if he’ll go for it.

**“Together?”** He was surprised that I suggested it.

**“Yeah, let’s do something together.”** I mused gently as I wrapped my legs around his back, and raised my eyebrow at him.

**“I’m not planning anything though. And, I want it to be really nice. It’s been a while since I’ve had a nice night out. The other day doesn’t count.”** I thought about it, and it had been a  _ while  _ since we had a date together.

It was interesting, comparing now to college. He was making money then, but it wasn't shit like Marvel money. The second time around was  _ definitely  _ better than the first time. We were able to go on trips and baecations, but at the end of the day, we were both simple people. We liked to eat, we liked a good show, a dope event, a good movie -- we were almost boring, compared to the people I knew. We were very domestic, very simple, and to me, Michael was the right speed for me as I moved towards my thirties, and knew I needed stability.

**“Shit, you know what, you’re right. I was gonna say that night we went to Rooftop Cinema Club and then got that Thai food… like three weeks ago. Shit.”** Michael frowned as I chuckled softly.

**“Right! That was when we first got here, so you owe me a good night out. And if it becomes competitive, then, hey…”** I shrugged, and he rolled his eyes at me as he pulled me into his chest, and kissed me softly.

**“I just want you to have a nice night out, and try this out. I’m** **_not_ ** **pushing him on you. I'm not meddling. I'm not plotting. But, after we talk, you'll understand my motivation better. I know we both have business to take care of this week, but we’re going to have to catch up with him soon. We can talk over breakfast or something.”** I nodded as he smiled at me.

**“You honestly think this is going to work?”** I asked, and he nodded.

**“We won’t know until we try, right?”**


	10. right through you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thought you had me fooled, but I see right through you....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UGH, this was such a struggle to get over the hump with. so maybe it's more of a filler, but, y'know, necessary. but i have so much more written (i'm on like chapter 25 tbh lmao) so, adds will flow better now. maybe some outtakes and flashbacks some time soon too, as soon as I get my head into the game for it. thanks for reading and givin' ya girl kudos and comments <3

Right Through You | 9

This was going to be a mess. It kept us up late, in the living room, slumped on top of each other on the couch, in deep discussion about it. We were thinking out loud about it, throwing out variables, and entertaining the thousands of possibilities in my head as we traded shots of Hennessy. I had to get the thoughts out of my head, and he laughed at a lot of what I was saying, telling me I was overreacting and it could be fun.

 **“For real. It can be fun. I don’t know why you’re…. Acting like it’s not a possibility.”** The Hennessy had him slurring. I was more coherent than he was, not _as_ coherent, but still, fuck him...

He deadass said this could be fun? He knew damned well I was the queen of stressing out about the possibilities of situations, and people had been riding my ass for the last couple of days. My publicist Morgan and my PR Agent Holly both laughed back and forth in our group message about the roles that would come my way following this situation, and I clucked my tongue as I looked through the messages with semi-opened eyes, and sent facepalm emojis in response.

I rolled my eyes at him, but noticed that while he spat out a lot of possibilities in the future that involved him or Chris, he didn’t mention Donald, and I found that funny. We went into as good of  a discussion as we could about _good publicity_ and _bad publicity,_ and I pressed my lips together as I tried to hold in my comments about not really givin’ a fuck if this came off good or bad, ‘cause I was going to do what I wanted with who I wanted anyway. The best thing to do would be to just flip it and make it work.

 **“It cooooould be, but…. like, does it matter so much what people think about what the fuck we’re doing as long as we’re just… doing it? ‘Cause I don’t want to be stuck with hoe labels, or any of the other labels they’re going to throw at me. Ion’ really give a fuck, but, yeah… that’s kinda where it’s going, y’know, until the narrative changes.”** I shrugged, and he scoffed as he rubbed my back.

I ended up scrolling through what was going on on the various timelines through slightly opened eyes and sucked my teeth. They were up in shambles about me. People had been spitting out their opinions about _back in the day_ when it was Chris and I, and then Michael started to blow up and I was there too, but this was public knowledge! There was a thread I was getting into, just looking at it, where they were charting our history as it was, with inaccuracies, but I’d comment on that at a different date, and it _kept_ making its way onto my timeline and into my DM’s.

I laughed at someone’s claim that I had diamonds in my pussy for them to be on me like they were. People were fuckin’ hilarious, like this was some new shit….

 **@trvpmami:** k*ice must have diamonds in her pussy.

 **@kaciedevaughn:** @trvpmami: vibranium, actually.

 **@kaciedevaughn:** have i ever told y’all that y’all get on my fuckin nerves? Lmao

 **“You stressin’, and this could be revolutionary as fuck,”** Michael uttered from underneath me, and I picked my head up to look at his face, and sucked my teeth.

 **“You’re pressing me, and it’s my pussy, if you forgot…”** I insisted firmly, and he tilted his head up and looked at me with his eyebrow up.

 **“Lie again,”** He gripped my ass, and I sucked my teeth at him.

 **“Oh, what, that’s yours? Ion’ remember telling you this…”** I tilted my head and he laughed at me as he pressed his lips to the corner of my mouth, and I flicked my tongue against his lip and he rolled his eyes.

 **“You gon’ eat it through my shorts?”** I raised my eyebrow and he nodded.

 **“Right here?”** I tilted my head as he laughed, and unbuttoned my shorts.

So much for getting off of the couch tonight...

...

 **“What time** **_is it_ ** **anyway?”** I winced as I retrieved my phone from the nightstand with a frown.

This is why I don’t fuck with dark liquor like that.

The sun was up, barely, but I knew it was early enough for me to take a quick jog, whenever I got myself together. I needed to get up. I had to stay active in order to keep my brain from working overtime, and that was the only thing keeping me in motion. My too-damned-bright iPhone read 6:47 AM, and I exhaled hard as I sat up, trying not to disturb Michael.

Day three had snuck up on me real quick, and in the thick of things, my notifications told the story of the reunion in three separate parts. The Boyfriend, The Lover, and The Ex all had their respective roles and respective stories that came along with what we were doing, and it felt like I was in a damned soap opera.

**“Girl, fuck this shit right now….”**

I had four missed calls from Chris as I continued scrolling through my notifications, and it made me suck my teeth. We were texting on and off throughout the night as I struggled to remain coherent, and I know he was looking at my drunk texts like, ‘what the fuck?’

I was still mentally debating making that move though, and my texts reflected that. I hadn’t made the move to leave the house, and ended up falling asleep on the couch. He was in his feelings since I hadn’t shown up, but I quickly shot off a text, promising him that I’d come over later tonight.

My phone was poppin’, still, and i’m ready to throw this motherfucker. There is no chill in sight. Do Not Disturb was a godsend, but there were still certain people who were an exception to that particular filtering. Alex’s text message tone chirped through the silent room, signaling me to an unread message. I ignored the other messages in my inbox to glance at her thread with my eyes barely open.

 **Alex |** you up? I know it’s early as hell, but u wanna go get some coffee or something? Figured we need to talk.

I texted back immediately, confirming that I was up, and would be out in fifteen minutes. I needed to talk to her and get her up to speed, like _yesterday._

I loved Alex. She abandoned my ass that day and finally popped her head back up, and I wasn’t gon’ fight her on it, but we were definitely going to sit down and discuss this fuckery like only the two of could. Our history as friends was just as complex as most of my friendships were, but it only added to our tenacity as friends, and the bond that no one else could break.

Alex and I had a long distance friendship for a _while,_ with her being in Houston and our link initially being the fact that our fathers, who we were both not that close to back when we spent a little time together in New York, were business partners.

We eventually lost each other to the perils of life until I found my bored ass on a Chris Brown forum by the time I was already flunking out of my freshman year of College thanks to his ass. I couldn’t tell you _why_ I was there, or ended up using it as an escape, really. I mean, initially, it was just to blend in and be nosey in order to do damage control, but once I realized that I found Alex there, and there was nothing more to say.

We linked up again for Spring Break during that year, and I honestly _knew_ the shit she was getting into back then wasn’t the smartest idea and illegal as fuck, but I never intervened with what I thought was true, age difference and all. When Alex had officially met her future ex-husband, I was already in a relationship with the love of my life, despite the expiration date on that looming around the corner for a two year hiatus that we don’t revisit often.

I stuck through her relationship with him throughout all of the ups and downs we both shared with the two of them. I was always there to just support _her_ through her ship, even while mine was deteriorating. While me and Chris operated on fucked up terms back then, sneaking around because we couldn’t be apart, and not giving a fuck who had who, because we had each other, I could keep Alex in the loop with all of our misguided wrongdoings and she would never judge me.

Alex was the _first_ phone call I made when me and him were _back on_ for what seemed like good then. After I’d been approved for graduation, and he called himself coming to celebrate by locking us in my Brooklyn apartment for two weeks, and forgetting that girl existed, me and her cackled over tweets that made Twitter continue to drag her, ‘cause damn near everyone but she knew _why_ he was spotted in Brooklyn, and it wasn’t for Robyn then, either.

We linked back up with her for yet another Spring Break excursion a year after that, and everything was as good as it was going to get back then. During that week, he _finally_ dropped those two brawds, and he had minimized the fuckery in his team, and we were back to the core four for a nice period of time: me and him paired with her and Barry just felt _good._

By the time Alex’s engagement popped off, Chris and I were all over each other again like we’d never been apart. It lasted for as long as good things in our favor would. I was about a few weeks pregnant by the time she’d gotten married, and it wasn’t long before I was gone. Once she and Barry weren’t doing good, it was like a ripple effect. Chris and I hadn’t been doing too good either. The Karrueche issue had us fighting as she continued to try and intersect herself in our lives, and he was also coping with his PTSD with harder drugs than I knew about.

Back then, I was just trying to save him and myself, really. In the end, I couldn’t save him though, and Barry couldn’t hold on to Alex either. Chris and I fell apart first. As we all know, my pregnant ass disappeared shortly after their newlywed stage was over, and by the time Les was two, Alex and Barry divorced on her birthday, and that was wild as fuck.

We only stood now, rising from the ashes of those experiences stronger and wiser, and god knows I had no idea how to even begin bridging this reunion and how it made me feel from where we’d left off to where we were now.

….

Becca, aka Bee, Alex and I’s best and closest confidant, abandoned our shared dreams of chasing the Bradford-Brown men around the East and West Coast a few years ago. As much as I missed her being my original partner in crime while terrorizing Barry and Chris, as well as Barry’s younger brother, I appreciated her ability to be able to push away from this shit too.

I’ve known her since I was little, and we’ve always had a tight bond. We used to have the same after school program in school, and been tight ever since then. I’ve always been the oldest between the majority of the girls I keep close to me, but Becca, Becca could always keep up. By the time she went to VCU, she was with Chris’ cousin Austin for a brief moment, and somewhere up in there, she decided _this_ wasn't really for her, and that was fine.

I was always going to support her, even when we didn’t have the same ambitions anymore, and that was okay. Everybody wasn’t built for the insanity of this shit, and that was fine too. She went from working behind the bar at a Starbucks when she came back home one summer, to moving up the fast track, and she was now the regional manager for several stores in the downtown LA area.

She made sure to pop up on call as I rolled up to the nearest Starbucks between my spot and Alex’s DTLA dwelling, and was already at the table with drinks waiting on the two of us. I hadn’t caught up with her in a few days, but I was excited to see her.

 **“So, you know I’m not going to flat out ask about the fuckery. How’s my niece? Why hasn’t she called me?”** She asked as soon as I reached the bar, and she smiled widely.

 **“Les is fine, and I’ll make sure she does, but, lemme tell you how stupid I am,”** I exhaled hard after the hugging stopped, and she looked at me with her eyebrow up.

 **“I heard he popped up on you for real this time,”** She smiled as both of our heads turned as Alex approached, joining in on early morning hugs too. **“How are you even processing this?”**

**“Right?”**

I glanced down into my vanilla caramel frappuccino with a shrug. Things were still settling for me, but _fuck,_ it wasn’t going to take long before something else happened. I knew the more I talked about it, and the more I put myself in a position to explain the situation, the reality was going to creep up on me about what was really happening, and I’d probably end up flipping out. I could feel a panic attack coming on, and I had to will myself to calm down. I didn’t have any answers about anything just yet, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t get some assistance in the whole issue before it blew up in front of my face.

 **“The best way I can, I guess. I mean, it’s ridiculous because I can’t shake the way I feel when it comes to him, and y’all know he’s… everything to me.”** I frowned as I looked at the two of them, no longer the young girls I used to cry and ramble to, but now grown women now, who understood.

 **“After everything, I’m willing to make things work out in whatever way I can.”** I told them, sincerely meaning it.

 **“I don’t want to go through this, trying to balance him on one hand, Mike on the other, Celeste on my head…”** I winced as I thought about it, and pushed my back against the stool.

 **“I feel like it’s going to be harder than it needs to be for me to progress through this. I don’t want to even think about the sexual tension. I have no idea what to do.”** I exhaled softly, and craned my neck to see if the snacks were stocked. She smiled at the gesture, and seconds later, I had caramel cake and a berry trio yogurt sitting in front of me.

 **“He specifically said, work through what you need to work through, like, damn near giving me permission to be with him and it’s so… weird‍. Like, me and Mike aren’t new to having an open relationship, but I feel like that’s not what it’ll be. He’ll have more involvement with me unlike before… both of them will, and I’m like, oh okay, fuck. I feel so bad sometimes because I feel like in the end, I’ma fully push him away now that I have Chris back.”** I shrugged, and this damned drink wasn’t enough.

It was early… was it too early for mimosas? I groaned softly as I looked at the two of them, and rolled my eyes. They were just letting me vent and I appreciated it, but I needed them to help.

**“Y’all. Y’all know how I was with Chris. Y’all saw how Michael calmed me down once I became a Momma. We won’t speak about how things are when I’m with Donald, but, we all know what that represents too, and we all know if I had to drop anything… I could easily do that. The other two though? Man, fuck no.”**

**“One of the highlights today was literally pegging them as like, The Boyfriend, The Lover, and The Ex, and I was very floored by the accuracy of that. It’s fucking ridiculous to even entertain the idea of the three of us trying to work this shit out together.”** I stuck my spoon in my mouth to silence myself from non-stop rambling, and Alex finally laughed at me.

I knew that laugh though, it wasn’t the normal laugh. It was a sort of shocked, excuse me, what’d you say… kinda laugh that made me nod as I pulled the spoon back out and shrugged.

 **“Like, both of them together? Two boyfriends? Bitch, you finna have** **_two_ ** **boyfriends?”** Alex inquired as I shrugged and continued eating my cake.

 **“You finna have two boyfriends? They know they’re going to wind up in competition right?”** Becca parroted, and I jumped up in agreement.

 **“Right? And right now, they don’t see that, but I know these niggas. So, I’m not trippin’ when I see this being as bad as y’all do?”** I asked, and they both shook their heads at me.

 **“Not at all.”** Alex insisted, and Becca just shook her head again.

 **“Like, I foresee these niggas fighting and some more shit, and that won’t be good. I know once it gets out, and it like** **_really_ ** **gets out, it’s going to be wild as fuck.”** I pouted as the two of them raised their eyebrows at me, but again, understood my fears and complaints about the situation.

 **“Michael is all for it, he’s all like, it’s gonna work, you got this, this is gonna be good for Celeste, y’all gon be aiight. And he’s right, it will. He wants things to work out because he knows how it gets when shit falls apart, and I understand that motive, too. He wants us to have this cohesive kind of blended family deal, ‘cause he’s already talking about marriage, on some real shit. Like, y’all know where we are.”** I shook my head as I broke off a piece of the cake, and glanced around at the busy Starbucks before continuing.

 **“All he needs to do for things to really pop off is slow down, if he can. Even if it’s just for a minute. Things will fall in line when we have the time, and that’s the problem. I promised him a kid at thirty two. I want us to stick the second time around, and it’s all I’ve been focused on for the last eight months. And then, boom, here’s Chris… again… and I feel seventeen as fuck.”** I frowned as they both cut their eyes at me.

 **“And, what about Chris?”** Becca inquired, and I shrugged. My stomach dipped and flipped, and I felt like I had butterflies, but on the other hand, my stomach dipped and I had to close my eyes briefly at the mere mention of trying to tackle him.

 **“Chris… he’s excited about being in Celeste’s life. Back in my life. And, I’m excited about that too. I want to get to know Royalty, I want her to be around Les, and y’know, like.. I want everything to blend. I want it to all be cohesive too, but, if we’re going to be in a relationship again… how in the fuck am I supposed to balance them the fuck out? I don’t know what to do. I know it’s going to be unbalanced as fuck off rip,”** I shrugged, and they both nodded knowingly.

 **“Well, you can’t stress. He knows you well enough to know he had to get all of the fuckery out of his system, and if he’s going to be with you, he has to realize that comes with more than it ever had during the other attempts y’all had with being together,”** Alex insisted, and I swallowed down my frap as I listened.

 **“You know he did a lot of shit when you weren’t together, but you also know if he finally pushed forward and he showed up, he’s trying. You know and he knows that you weren’t going to deal with anything he had to offer if he didn’t show some effort, and showing up is huge,”** Becca explained, and she was right. I just nodded as I sat back, pushing my back against the stool.

 **“I just… I’m hype about it, but I don’t know how things are going to fall in line, and that’s what scary. I don’t know what to do going forward but I know it’s going to be funny as fuck trying to figure out how to balance this shit, my daughter, my career… bitch, I’ma black the fuck out and go off the grid for the rest of the summer.”** I pushed away from the table only briefly and exhaled before sitting back down.

I was starting to pace and feel caged, but I knew I needed to get this shit off of my chest to people who had my best interest, not on a celebrity level, not on a public image level, but as my _friends,_ who knew me, and I needed this.

 **“No you’re not.”** Becca laughed it off, and I turned towards her, shaking my head gently.

 **“Yeah I am, like, that’s the only way I see myself getting my head together about all of this. I gotta think and reconstruct some shit. I gotta make it make sense, I gotta figure out how I’ma handle everything before it blows into some scandalous shit. I got a lot to worry about, a lot to have put out there, y’know? I gotta be ready to fight whatever comes my way.”** I explained as I grabbed my drink and swallowed the remainder of it down.

 **“You gotta take some time and chill first, Kacie. Chill.”** Alex advised as I felt my emotions swirl into tension, and covered my face with my hands for a second.

 **“Why did I give you coffee anyway?”** Becca questioned herself as she shook her head, and kept her eyes on me as she ordered me a tea.

**“You’re not about to flip out on us this morning. Drink the tea, sit down, and we’ll help you figure out some alternatives in the event of some bullshit happening, okay?”**

**“Okay?”** She repeated as I accepted the seat, and sighed softly.

My foot tapped against the rung of the stool, but I pressed my hands together in the form of prayer hands for a second as I exhaled and looked between the two of them.

**“Okay, so I guess the biggest issue would be Don, more than any of the shit with the two of them…”**

…

 **Don** _|_  a stranger in a strange world, a word full of mystery…

 **Don** _|_ how’d you manage to get me to snag a copy of Beat Street for us to watch, and we never watched it?

 **Don** _|_ you’re busy underneath the weight, huh?

 **Don** _|_ you’re busy with the real pretty boy flizzy, huh?

 **Don** _|_  poplocking and shit. I miss you. Pull up.

 **“Lemme find out he’s jealous,”** I blew out a silent breath as I glanced down at Don’s open text thread with a small smile. I had hella unresponded to texts that he’d sent me, trying to coax me back out, just wanting to be in my presence, but also cursing at me for being _caught back up in Kacestopher._

Being with Chris, being back in this space that engulfed us in each other, I didn’t make time for anyone else if I didn’t have to, and Donald called me out on it once I pulled up on him at his place in Echo Park.

 **“I hope you have the movie queued up and ready, while you’re talking shit.”** I stood in front of the door as he opened it for me, and he nodded as he whisked me inside, and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

Internally, I was taking a deep breath, and trying not to get caught up. He was different, _we_ were different when we weren’t around other people, and I knew we were alone. I stared at him closely, mentally committing everything about him to memory as we walked over to the couch. I hadn’t seen him since _that night,_ and he was definitely going to give me shit for it, but I knew that I needed to inch away from whatever this had shifted into as of lately.

It had been a minute since we fucked around and woke up next to each other, and I don’t beat myself up about it, because there’s understanding, and it’s not as much of a habit as it was prior to me and Michael getting back together. Within the last eight months, it’s only been _twice,_ but, I also feel like there’s going to be a lot more than just closure needed between us to really push away from this.

I just don’t know how to start that conversation, so I know it’s best to let my mind go back and forth with options as I just keep going in the moment. I made sure to hug and hold him for a long time when I got back in front of him, but I didn’t want to do anything to tip back into an intimate space with him. He figured as much though, considering the new climate of things, and he didn’t need me to say it outloud.

 **“How do you make a hug seem like a break up?”** He asked as I skimmed his back with my fingertips and pressed my face into the crook of his neck and simply settled there for a minute.

 **“How do you break up with someone you never truly confirmed things with in the first place? We just… do and don’t.”** I posed the question we never really answered, and he pressed his lips together as he shook his head gently.

But, that was more of the issue between us, really. Just like when we were supposed to link up, how did we always end up acting on something we both knew we should extinguish? If that was even possible… I often tended not to question the spark we shared. It was good for the external things; on screen, it was _amazing,_ off and in between shoots, it lingered until we choked on it.

This wasn’t something we could vocalize. That wasn’t how we operated.

When I finally let him go, I could see he was still trying to find an answer to what I asked, but I didn’t need him to. We knew we’d figure it out; we’d find some way to make it make sense between us and not interfere with whatever my life was shaping up to be.

The title screen for _Beat Street_ played on the ‘55 inch flat screen in front of us as I got comfortable and sank next to him on the couch, and tried to put the conversation behind me.

 **“I can’t believe you’ve never seen this.”** I teased him gently as we settled together, and he shrugged softly in lieu of explaining himself.

This was all I wanted to come over here for - just to hang out, and talk eventually. He wasn’t going to suppress the desire between us though, and that was definitely going to be an issue. Like always, my shoes ended up off, my feet ended up in his lap, and he started to massage them through the credits as I blushed and got comfortable. I’d seen this a thousand times, so there was nothing I was missing, which led me to pull my phone out and recording him for Snapchat.

 **“And, you’re never going to if you’re going to keep fucking with my feet,”** I giggled as he puckered his lips up at me, lifted my ankle, and kissed my foot.

I shifted against the couch and sunk my teeth into my bottom lip as I watched and recorded him go from my foot, to my ankle, and up to my calves. I dropped my phone on the couch as he continued, and I cursed softly as I shifted, because he was still going.

 **“What’s all this for?”** I mentally cursed myself out for how soft my voice was.

 **“Appreciation,”** He whispered just as softly, as my back arched.

He literally dropped kisses from my foot up to my forehead to let me know he still appreciated all of me. That part didn’t make the recording when I had my phone clasped in my hand, but _fuck…_

I knew neither of my boys would like that story when it was time for me to explain that. But, I mean, right now, I wasn’t gon’ worry about it… this ain’t the time to stress about it either. We were just hanging out, and that’s how we _are,_ intimate as fuck for no reason and all of the reasons, but eventually… it would have to be extinguished, and that was going to cause a bit of strain.

I was fighting the decision to bring it up now, but, as I swallowed hard and knew where we were headed, I swallowed it down like the spit in the back of my throat and just settled where I was.

 **“Don,”** I closed my eyes briefly, and when I opened them again, he was peppering my thighs with kisses.

 **“Beautiful, I just want a taste.”** He whispered, hovering over the button of my shorts _._ I locked eyes with him and nodded, but that was it - that was _all,_ I was standing on it.

Fuck.

Was I?

Fuck.

 **“Fuck…”** I inhaled as my shorts were off, and his hands slid up my thighs and I pushed them over his shoulders as he settled his face there, and pulled me into it. My eyelids fluttered to a close and went into the back of my head as my hips swiveled towards his face, but this was taking me somewhere else completely.

I ended up just like I had yesterday, in a different set of circumstances, with fingers digging into the small of my back as my mouth opened partially against his neck and my hips swiveled in tight circles. I threw my head back as he pulled my hair out of my ponytail and my hair swung against my back, and swished in the room against the dialogue of the movie we weren’t even watching.

 **“Ride it,”** He encouraged as I did, and wrapped my arms around his neck as I captured his lip in mine, and urged him not to talk.

He encouraged me with his hips shifting, forward, up, and he lifted us up and laid me back on the couch. He kissed my neck and sucked on my nipple until I came and he hadn’t yet, but I knew he would soon after I did. I knew how he’d come at me, so I wasn’t surprised when he pulled out and came over the expanse of my stomach, and I looked up at him with bright eyes.

Silently, we moved into cleaning up, and I splashed water on my face after washing my hands and shimmying back into my shorts. I knotted my shirt up at my waist and licked my bottom lip as I panted softly and watched him grab two bottles of hard lemonade and fork his head back towards the living room.

We needed to talk, for real, but I just…

Fuck.

 **“Don, tienes hielo?”** I hummed deep in my throat as I grabbed the first empty cup I saw from in front of me, just trying to find a distraction.

Behind me, he was planting soft kisses against my spine, and I rolled my hips forward as I planted my hands on the counter. Fuck.

My phone buzzed with an incoming text as I fished it out of my pocket, and squinted to read what was going on.

_Wakanda Fuckery Is This?_

**Billie** | SOS QUIT FUCKING PLAYING, WE NEED TO HAVE LUNCH ASAP

 **“SOS, quit fucking playin-- who’s playing? I’m just in need of lunch or a link up as ya’ll probably are,”** I grunted as I replied to the text message in the accurately titled, _“wakanda fuckery is dis”_ group thread between me, Alex, and Billie, aka the small child who took my internship, but made her way into my circle just in time for me to protect her forever.

Not really. We only had a small gap between the two of us, but still. I loved her like a sister just like I did Alex, and she was very important to me too, so I knew she needed to be caught up in all of the latest developments as soon as I could. Maybe that could be what was going to get me out of here, really...

 **KC** | bruhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. y’all know when I go off of the grid, I go off. I had breakfast w Lex, B you need to catch up. I’m at Don’s rn… Lunch in Echo Park sound cool?

 **Alex** | a quesadilla does sounds amazing

 **Billie** |  I’m already putting my shoes on.

With nothing more to be said, I turned back around to face him with my eyes looking for my shoes. He glanced at me and I swallowed softly as I looked back at him, and we displayed _so much_ without speaking that I knew this was going to be a tough conversation for us to have when we caught back up to each other, but I couldn’t do it now.

Fuck.

 **“You’re leaving me already?”** Donald frowned as I nodded softly, and finally spotted where my shoes had dropped at. I walked over towards them and grabbed my beat up red vans from the floor as he watched me closely, which made me feel like I was buzzing.

 **“Do I at least get a goodbye kiss?”** He inquired as I put my feet into my shoes and glanced at him as I stuck my hand out for him to pull me up from the confines of the couch.

 **“Always.”** I stood to my feet as he wrapped his arms around me, and held me against his chest.

 **“If I can make it back later, I’ll be back…”** I pressed my forehead against his, and he smiled at me. He pressed his lips against mine, and I kissed him softly.

After a few seconds of what felt like silent demands to stay, I _knew_ that this shit right here was going to become my undoing, again. I couldn’t let it get there though. I had to fucking stop this… I definitely had to stop this.

Eventually…


	11. terrified

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a bottom to the top of the moment  
> You won't always be around  
> Catch a nigga coming quickly behind ya  
> People want you underground....

Terrified | 10

**“I’m going into the office today, so if you get off set and go home and I’m not there, you know exactly where I am. Sooooo, don’t act like you’re looking me up on find my friends and think I’m somewhere that I’m not.... I’ll hit you up when I leave, so maybe we can grab something to eat if it’s not a late night for the both of us. I love you.”** I sent Mike a voice message instead of a voicemail, ‘cause he’s more likely to go into our text thread before listening to his voicemail.

I learned this the hard way within the recent years. He wound up actually on set doing some pre-production activities for a show he was producing for the last two days, and while I missed him, I didn’t want to pop up on him. The other night was  _ amazing,  _ for real, but I knew how important business was and I’d never be the girl who wasn’t going to let her man work. I knew why we came out here. I had shit to do, and so did he, and I  _ finally  _ convinced myself to get up, and get back to work, just to take my mind off of the last week and all of it’s shenanigans.

I wasn’t really ready to go back to 15 hour days, 5 days a week, or a 10/5 any time soon, but I  _ was  _ going to do the little things I still needed to pull off before getting back up with my team. For the first season, we stuck to the book and started shooting late July-August for September airing, but this year, no. Season one  _ just  _ wrapped up on HBO in November for my show, and  _ Atlanta _ had a March to May season, which recently aired it’s season finale, and it’s still hot. 

We’re shooting for another September/November season airing for this year. We’re shooting out of order, still in the writing process, and won’t start until August for the first six episodes, break, and come back in October to tie up the last four, which works out fine for me. If everything goes to plan, I’ll shoot my few  _ Atlanta  _ episodes in the span of a month or two, so Les can get back to Decker and I can get back home. So far, I’m in six in the next season, but I haven’t committed to anything else. 

I want to be sitting down, in a sense, by Thanksgiving. Hopefully this year, I can be.

Just  _ thinking  _ about my schedule makes my head spin. I remember when the shoe used to be on the other foot, and I was the one tracking my boys and their long list of things to do, but now that it was my reality, I knew I couldn’t keep up without an assistant, and that’s why I’m about to pull up on mine right now.

Oliver, my longtime assistant who was currently smoking a cigarette in the parking lot, was someone who could vouch for how wild shit can get. I needed someone to assist me in keeping up with my time, appearances, journaling, my ideas -- so  _ much  _ shit, and he was the best at it. We’ve known each other since I was in undergrad, and I fondly remember meeting O in one of my journalism classes, where we both wound up being immediate friends because he called me out as  _ Chris Brown’s First Baby Momma  _ before that was even the case. I thought he just wanted to talk shit and get in on what I had going on in my life, but he proved himself to be a really nice dude, and after coming out a few years into our friendship, I definitely wasn’t going to leave him to the wolves back in New York.

I definitely owed him my life, but with him smoking, I wasn’t tryna give it up that damned soon. I shook my head at him as I stepped out of the car, and looked over at him.

**“I thought you were quitting this shit?”** I asked as he looked at me, stomping it out underneath his Givenchy loafers.

**“Hey, I’m not the only person going back to things I swore I was gonna quit. It’s just gonna take some time. What’s up, you ready to work today, huh?”**

I narrowed my eyes at him as we walked into the building together, and boarded the elevator, side by side. Once we were in, I rubbed my hands like Birdman as we went up to the fourth floor, and cut my eyes at him.

**“I’m back to the office because everyone’s getting on my damned nerves. I’ve had my head down for a minute, and I know I can’t keep it down for too much longer.”** I insisted as he shook his head at me, and I  _ knew  _ he had something to say about that.

**“Don’t gag, sis.”** He joked, and I flicked him off as we exited, and went into the office space.

**“You know I don’t. I like those shoes though, those are nice.”** I leaned back, getting a look at his whole outfit, and smiled at him. 

**“I think I miss you, it’s been a long ass two weeks,”** I admitted, and he shook his head.

**“Oh, I know, and you gon’ tell me all about it once we get in here.”**

I did  _ not  _ like the shade in his tone, but we kept walking, and I  _ knew  _ he was up to something.

My LA office was a place where I formally came up with ideas and did behind the scenes work in a space that wasn’t someone’s couch or apartment. It was also a place that I hadn’t frequented in a little over a week thanks to all of  the recent developments. I typically worked with the team for a bunch of late nights after pilot season came to an end, just trying to pull all of the loose ends together. Test shoots and new casting took up a lot of my time, and last season’s cast was hype to get back on set, but before shooting resumed, I was just trying to juggle everything. 

With the way things were shaping up in my mind at least, they’d better enjoy this damned time off, ‘cause it was going to be hype as fuck once we all got back on set and everyone saw what was going down. I had a lot to make sure all of my upcoming little secret reveals weren’t going to get out, so we would have to be super tight in terms of not telling the outside world what was going down as we shot the season. I just honestly wanted to get my head together and pull off my vision, with all of my babies involved, and the thought alone had me  _ super  _ hype.

We all had our hands in a lot of things, and a couple of the actors were still working day jobs, despite knowing we’d have a new season to start to shoot soon. Pilot Season had just ended, and I had a role on a show that I hoped got picked up, but it was minor, so if it wasn’t, I wasn’t going to stress or look into it while I had my own shit to focus on. I couldn’t hide from here for long though, ‘cause it was time to get back to work, at least while I could pull some things together. 

I was only going to be granted about a month’s worth of a break when we went to get Celeste, so I knew we had to make July and August count before I went back into wearing multiple hats - Actress, Executive Producer, Writer, and Director, for about three of them. Getting the ball rolling was more like a landslide. You’d get caught up in work easily, and forget everything else, and I didn’t want to have a repeat of last season, when that’s exactly what I did. 

Getting ready to resume production is an overwhelming time, because there’s too much going on during an absurdly short window, and before you know it, you’ll be at the Season Premiere Viewing, and shiiiiit, you’ve lost four months or more, just  _ working! _  The reason for this trip was to round up the West Coast side of business, connections, table reads, guest walk-on roles, and shoots before shooting back to New York, and while I’d done my fair share of handling things, this possible  _ scandal  _ was going to be a curveball.

So, time apart from these four walls and  _ work  _ was necessary. We would start shooting for season two in August, and  _ Atlanta  _ would have me on the set as late as October, and with the shit I had up my sleeve before I got back in The Writers Room…. 

Yeah, I was right where I needed to be before I  _ really  _ fell off for a hot second. Trying to balance real life and all of it’s drama, and set up to play out this same kinda drama on set. Whoo, bitch.

**“I have a lot of stuff I need to map out,”** I told him as we walked into my office and I exhaled softly.

**“I’m trying to arrange the shit in my head into some notes to materialize as scenes, so you’re going to be very busy while I’m in Virginia for two months. Plus, I have to do some cementing for the cast for the last half of season two,”** I explained as Oliver sat down in the chair to my left and whirled around promptly.

**“You’re just busy busy, like you never left.”** He winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

**“Uh-uh, that sounded messy. What you know, Liv?”**

He motioned to the wall behind me, and I narrowed my eyes at him, then peered back at it. The message board on the wall in my office held notes, things I’d jotted down of importance, and a little bit of anything and everything that I also had documented in my phone and my laptop, but what surprised me was an timeline of up to date bullshit that I had ignored in my emails too. The Day Party and all of its surrounding events had formed a timeline of  _ ‘things to be concerned about’ _ that made me suck my teeth as I looked at it.

**“Who’s been keeping tabs? You?”** He shrugged slightly, but I  _ knew  _ his handwriting.

**“Ugh, you being annoying too? ‘Cause you damned sure left me before everything happened, and if you were there for the whole party, you wouldn’t have to be playing TMZ,”** I threw my hands up in a shrugging expression as Oliver sucked his teeth at me, and scoffed lightly.

**“Oh, trust me, I already yelled at Karima for breaking her fucking heel. I told that bitch to wear flats! But, you weren’t going to be gone to Virginia before we talked about this.”** He threw his hands up like I did, and I clucked my tongue at him as he tilted his head at me.

**“So, what are you going to do? I know Michael’s crazy about you and I’m still surprised you didn’t get pregnant during those Black Panther shoots, to be honest. And Chris is… back, like, really back, so what’s going to happen with him? How are you gonna juggle this? I need details,”** He asked as I looked over at the board again, and my eyes followed the trail of what he was documenting from social media to piece together a loose timeline.

**“Liv, shut up for like two seconds please. I got all of your nosey ass texts, tweets, dms, snaps, and voicemails, and I’m sorry for disappearing on you for the week, but I had to get my head together first. I’m still tryna figure shit out my damned self,”** I ran my hands down my face as I tried to make sense of his timeline.

He was a little accurate, and it was shocking that the only things it seemed like he had missed out on was the things the internet hadn’t caught wind of yet. I sucked my teeth as I stood up and walked over to it, and narrowed my eyes as I read his little notes. From when the two of them had been spotted at The Parlor, to Chris and I going to Bossa Nova and Jay’s, then Froyo with Royalty, and most recently, the convening of Me, Alex and Billie in Echo Park with Don popping up…. 

Everything I was doing was being documented, and the shoe was definitely on the other foot now. The internet was buzzing and I had yet to say shit, which wasn’t helping. It just made me chuckle darkly to see it laid out like it was. Instagram accounts had been documented as ones that were keeping track of what was up, as well as Twitter accounts and blogs, and it was everyone who really shifted the way people got their information. 

I exhaled softly as I stepped back, and turned back to face Oliver with a semi-shocked look.

**“Okay so, what the fuck?”**

He thought that was funny as fuck, but I wasn’t acting. I was genuinely frustrated by all of this, really. It had been  _ awhile  _ since I was in the middle of anything, so to be on the receiving end of all of this coverage made me overwhelmed.

**“If your ass would have answered one of my thousand of messages instead of hitting me with a BRB, and never coming back, you’d know whussup. ‘Cause I know your ass got everybody on DND, and they haven’t shut the fuck up yet. I know you’ve been ignoring your email, which probably wasn’t the** **_best_ ** **move, but again, that’s why you have me, and trust me, there’s a long ass printout just waiting for you to go through on things that seemed worth your time.”** He explained as I ran my fingers down my face and exhaled hard.

**“Probably a bunch of appearance requests, blind items, and more bullshit.”** I grunted, as he shook his head.

**“Nah, I know you. I did my best to weed out what seemed like bullshit. But, people are definitely nosey and talking, and not just about you and Donald still after that season ended, but about Chris as well. Like, digging up** **_old shit._ ** **I know it’s going to overwhelm you, but you got this. Just keep doing what you’re doing until** **_you’re_ ** **ready to handle it. But, I mean, just wait until you leave to go get Baby Love, you think they’re talking about shit they don’t know about now, girl….”** Oliver sat down as I huffed and shook my head.

I didn’t even want to start thinking about that. I knew once that Celeste was brought into things, it was going to be an entirely different ballgame. I just sat back, frowning, thinking about all of the possibilities, and I was a little surprised when a few seconds later, my phone buzzed with Celeste’s face and mine on it and I answered immediately.

**“Momma, where you at?”** Celeste inquired as I answered the call, and seconds later, she frowned as she realized where I was.

**“The Office, whussup? You okay?”** I asked as she frowned again, and shook her head no.

**“You should turn on the TV, ‘cause I think Wendy Williams finna talk about you and Daddy,”** She reported as I scoffed softly.  **“And I know you don’t like her, so, she ain’t gon’ be saying nothin’ good about nobody, ‘cause all she does is talk about people.”**

**“How you gon’ be mad when you ain’t even heard what she has to say?”** I asked as she shrugged her shoulders, and her frown made her shake my head at her.

**“She don’t ever say anything good when she starts talking about people! So, why she talkin’ about you and she don’t even know what’s going on?”** She questioned, and I shook my head.

**“That’s what she does, baby. I ain’t worried about her unless she’s lying on my name, or bringing you up, so we good. Chill, Les. It’s okay, baby.”** I looked at her as she shook her head and looked at the screen for a minute, then looked back at the phone.

**“Well, I still think you should watch it too. You’re gonna be a hot topic.”** She insisted before she glanced at me, and I motioned for Oliver to turn on the flat screen on the wall.

**“I’ma call you back later, Momma, okay? I love you to the Moon and back!”** Celeste insisted as she hung up, and I sat back in my chair.

Ooh God. I don’t think she’s ever been mad about seeing people talk about me. But, at the same time, it ain’t never been no bullshit either. As soon as I heard the crowd whooping after the commercial break, my eyes were trained in the little bit of TV I allowed myself to get caught up in. Oliver’s were too as we both sat there and watched what was going on for ourselves.

If it pissed my child off before she even said  _ anything,  _ I knew there was more to whatever that was about to be said than needed to be. As soon as the hot topics segment began, Wendy Williams was  _ ready  _ to start talking shit about us, and my teeth pierced my bottom lip as I listened.

_ “I have an update on this Kacie thing… you guys know about Kacie Devaughn, right? She’s on Atlanta as the character Johnnie, and stars on her own show on HBO, Used To It? Well, she has history with her co-star Donald Glover, and we all know she’s dating Michael B Jordan, so, she’s got her hands in a lot. But, there’s been a lot going back and forth including her this weekend because her current boyfriend was linking up with her ex boyfriend, and they looked like friends! We told you all about that Friday, but we have updates!” _

The audience sounded scandalized by what they were hearing, and I sucked my teeth at the screen. 

_ “If you missed out on Friday, she’s also dated, and this is going to surprise you if you don’t already know, she dated Chris Brown in the past. He’s the -stopher in their little ship name, Kacestopher, and despite her being in a relationship with Michael, she’s definitely out and about without him, with Chris. We have video of the two of them, and his daughter, locking lips over the weekend at a FroYo spot…” _

Wendy knows I don’t fuckin’ like her. She picks and prods at folks and their drama and that’s how she makes her money, I get it, but I  _ hate  _ when this bitch brings me up. It’s never been anything good, like  _ ever,  _ and that’s aggravating as fuck. We’ve beefed in the past. Nineteen year old me was ready to beat Wendy’s ass on a couple of occasions, and ten years later, ain’t shit changed. My eyes rolled in my head at the particular way she liked to stress that me and Chris hadn’t been seen together in  _ years,  _ yet here we were at the Froyo spot, getting caught kissing. I shook my head softly, but it didn’t deter me from my next move. 

Hopefully, we were going to link up again today, and get right back out there. I know my inbox is still gonna pop with inquiries, but I’m good. I don’t necessarily feel the need to explain myself to anybody, because fuck them. I’m still going to do I want to do at the end of the day, because people are stupid. 

As Wendy continued talking about me and the other three men in my life, I definitely disassociated from the rest of the conversation, ‘cause I’m sure she wasn’t saying anything different than what anyone else was already saying. It would definitely be easier for me to just get up, choose which of them that I want for the day and go on about my day. That would probably be the easiest solution to be real, but how would I ever choose who to decide? 

I rolled my eyes thinking about that added complication, and cut them back to the screen.

I watched the viewers in the audience scandalously oooh at the lil’ video clip that I had no idea how they managed to get, and pressed my lips together as I watched her analyze it for a few seconds more before moving on to the latest Kardashian scandal. I could have handled this a few ways, but to be honest, I opted to just say fuck it. It was out, had been out, had been circling around for what, almost a week now? 

I just wanted to keep moving forward and get back to just chillin’ out, honestly. 

I wondered if he had seen this. Apparently everyone else had, or knew it was coming. My inbox was slowly filling up with “y’all on Wendy” texts, and I just shrugged softly as I flicked them off of the screen. What could I do about it? Nothing. 

**“I hate that ole’ melon ball head ass, lollipop lollipop headass bitch, and she knows it.”** I grunted as Oliver shook his head and dropped some headshots on the desk, which I glanced at briefly before looking back up at him.

**“These recent?”**

**“Just finished compiling them today. But enough about Wendy, what’re you going to about Tequan? He’s definitely throwing his hat back in the ring for a casting for** **_something,_ ** **y’know? Like, Vita called, wondering if you could create something for him just in case this BET thing doesn’t go longer than the first two seasons.”** Oliver questioned as I shrugged softly. 

Tequan Richmond had played Dante in the webseries, but he had recently committed to Lena Waithe’s  _ Boomerang _ revival, so having him as Dante would be a no go, but I’d long made my peace with that. In the rewrite of taking the webseries to an actual show, I switched things up. Season One explicitly kept Dante’s character as a visual mystery for the first four episodes, but by episode five, I kept an ace up my sleeve, and knew it would be wise to execute it soon. 

Casting for Dante had been a headache initially. Don Benjamin had been very close to snagging it, but the chemistry surprisingly wasn’t there. A couple of more guys from twitter had attempted too, had passed the test shoot, but went no further than that, and it was disappointing. It was honestly just giving me a headache after a while, until I remembered I knew  _ exactly  _ who to call on.

Chris had a long-time body double, also named Chris. We all just called him Cook though, to differentiate, and Celeste called him Cookie. He was identical as fuck, minus his bare arms, legs, and neck, but he looked _just like_ that nigga, to the point to where in a sense, I owed him _everything_ as far as us surviving ‘09-’11 together, which included a job if he ever was interested in it. So, I went to work. I made some calls, I gathered my ideas and convinced him thusly, and I had to convince him it was going to be okay. I’d have his back through this. I threw down my pitch, tossed in some charm and _BOOM._

He said yes.

It was fucking  _ hilarious  _ when he finally showed up on set for the first table read for his debut episode, and everyone was like, “ _ yo, what the fuck?”  _ and I’d laugh it off, but I had a  _ lot  _ of time to conceptualize this, and see how I’d make it work. Much like in the webseries version, as the show shifted between the past and the present, it was interesting to see how Giana’s life was going to end up, because Dante definitely played a major role in it.

Last season, Dante’s character was hinted in the background in her job at Vibe Magazine as someone hot to cover, and it was literally like chasing a dream. Giana ran into labelmates, her brother was working with him, and while she literally never crossed paths with Dante himself, glimpses of the future told a different story. Unlike the webseries, which had Dante and Giana going on a date by the season one finale, season one of  _ Used To It _ didn’t end up the same way.

Everyone seemed to land a photoshoot or sit in on a recording session with him, and even the promo for the first season of the show had posters went up that were vaguely reminiscent of the chaos of the Chris Brown era. I don’t know. I was on one then, but it took a risk, and it was a connection that I made work, with no point of sugarcoating the similarities that I didn’t feel the need to discuss.

Dante was only mentioned in passing as the hottest upcoming new R&B artist, and by the end of season one, Giana had unfortunately missed her assignment covering his album release party in order to go catch Donald’s character Jay’s indie acting movie debut. In the last few seconds though, in the flash forward to the future, an older, tatted up Dante arrived home from a world tour, and popped up on a visibly pregnant Giana in the door of their new apartment.

It was a nod in more way than once. I missed Chris, what we could have had, and what we should have had, and if he ever watched it, he’d know that all of our missed fuckin’ connections could have been something totally different had we just… done something. But, like the title insisted, I was used to it.

I was really purging shit with the rewrite, utilizing as much creative licensing as I could, and the fact that this put me back in contact with a few people that seventeen year old me used to bump heads with, or be really close with was definitely worth all the stress. I was also trying to avoid having to come face to face with Chris on the basis of being sued too, ‘cause, you never know.

Thankfully though, he hadn’t. I reminded myself to not google if he said anything about it, but to ask him directly when were in front of each other again. Minus the fact that with a bit of tweaks,  _ Dante Marshall  _ was coming into the game at 22, which wasn’t  _ shit  _ like twenty two year old Chris, a lot of the other similarities though… probably were lawsuit worthy, but he didn’t seem to care, so, maybe that was a good thing. 

It was still a lot though, and I wasn’t even really sure if the cliffhanger I pulled off for the season one finale would carry, but it did, and now? Now, I knew I could fry bigger fish.

**“Hello? Quit spacin’ out on me. What could you do with him?”**

**“I could find something for him, maybe as another struggling actor, or he can take all of the roles that Jay goes up for? Something that pushes him away from the timidness he can put off.”** I suggested as Oliver nodded, and started taking notes on what I was saying.

**“Season two is all about the unexpected anyway, so… yeah. It’ll be a dope arc to put Jay in the sense of competition. He had none after he finished the indie movie, so if he has to go after new roles and there’s someone just as hungry as he is, he won’t expect that, and it’ll be great to see that play out. Everything you worked hard for getting snatched from your grasp ain’t never a good thing… and that includes your woman, ‘cause yo…”** I smiled widely as I nodded intensely, and Oliver held his phone up, showing me he was recording our conversation as he usually did.

**“I think Chris would be perfect to come in on this season. It’ll eliminate the drama of you being seen together, and I mean, he could really shake it up. You’re going to write him in, right? It’ll only make sense for him to be Future Dante.”** Oliver asked, and I hummed lowly as I nodded.

**“Oh, I’ve been thinking about it.”**

**“No, bitch, that’s a plot face if I’ve** **_ever_ ** **seen one on you. You’ve been plotting on it. Les tells me all the time that she wants to be on the other side of the camera too, so I mean, maybe you can take a risk and write everybody in. But, my question is, how’s Don gonna take competing with your baby daddy, though? You might be mixing too much dick, Kace.”** Oliver insisted, as I scoffed at him.

**“How the fuck you gon’ tell me I’m mixing dick? I’m not,”** I laughed as I sat back down in my chair and folded my legs.

**“I’ve put some thought into approaching him about it, but it’s a business situation. I don’t know how he’s going to accept it, seeing as how we haven’t even had the time to sit down and unpack the shit me and Donald have gotten up to. Despite all of that though, considering the way last season went, I could use both of them. Cook can be past Dante, and Baby can just...”**

**“Baby?”**

**“Baby,”** I rolled my neck and tilted my head, not changing my tone,  **“Can play his future self.”**

I exhaled softly as I sat here, wondering how I would even broach that. I don’t even think he’s seen season one of the show, so I feel like we should link up and watch  _ everything. _ I know he started on the webseries the other day during that first Facetime, but I don’t know how far he’s gotten without me being around to see him watch it. 

At the same time though, It’s been three fucking days since I saw Chris, now that I think about it. That’s three too many, and knowing that he’s around is better than not. We could link and fix all of that, easily. I just had to call him. On cue, the orchestra intro to Keyshia Cole’s _Love_ started playing from my iPhone, and I blushed as I picked it up and glanced at it.

I was just summoning motherfuckers left and right today, apparently.

**Chris** | babe, wendy talking shiiiiit

Oliver was looking extremely pleased as I felt my ears warm, and seconds later, the orchestra intro resumed as my phone buzzed across the table, and I knew it was a Facetime call. I knew he caught the few seconds of me fixing my face before I stopped smiling so damned hard and finally raised my brow at him. I was hype before I even saw his damned face, and I ain’t wanna hear it.

**“Did you know I was talking about you? I’m summoning everybody I think too hard about, I think.”** I asked in lieu of a greeting, and he chuckled as he shook his head at me.

**“Talkin’ bout me for what? Where you at, babe?”** He asked as I flipped the camera around, showing him the office.

**“Checking in on some work, and I was thinking ‘bout you.”**

**“Oh, you just gon’ come out and say it, huh? Whussup, baby?”**

**“Baby,”** I mentally checked myself for a second, but rolled with it as I rolled my eyes and smiled at him.  **“Are you busy today?”**

**“I'm never busy for you, what’s good?”**

**“I miss you.”** I pursed my lips and he cut his eyes at me, and then leaned forward. I’m pretty sure my smile was going from ear to ear, judging on how my face started tingling.

**“The talk went okay, I’m guessing...”** He inquired without asking anything else as I shrugged a shoulder, giving him about as good of an answer as I could give.

**“We briefly discussed things, but we pretty much all know that it’s always gon’ be on sight for you. I just had to remind myself of what I was dealing with, and what I was getting into.”** I insisted, and he nodded slowly.

**“And, the way I make you feel.”** He insisted as I crossed my legs.

**“And.. The way you make me feel… get chopped,”** I blushed as I swallowed softly.

**“I know I said we’d link a couple of days ago, but I’m free now, uhm... if you’re free, can we meet up now? I wanna talk business, but at the same time, like, we don't have to do anything for real. Maybe we should, ‘cause I don’t wanna just be sitting around staring at each other.”**

Why was I flustered? 

I grunted as he smiled at me, from fuckin’ ear to ear as well, and I exhaled softly and shook my head. I smiled back at him as he licked his lips, and gave me a onceover before tilting his chin up.

**“You wanna hang out, or you wanna** ** _do something?”_** He asked, and I felt my legs start to tremble at the tone.

**“Mmmm, fuck.”**

**“Mmmm, whussup?”**

**“I wanna do something.”** I licked my lips and tilted my head at his tone, and he smiled widely at me. I hated how we were insituatined everything and nothing at the same time, but it still made me feel like I was going to fuck him up when we were next to each other again.

**“You really fuckin’ inappropriate for the office right now, I swear to God… need to be havin’ this conversation in the motherfuckin’ bathroom or something….”**

**“Ain’t nobody here, I mean...”** I narrowed my eyes, and he shook his head.

**“Nah, don’t move. I’ll handle it when I get there.”**

Facetime was just as bad as Skype used to be. He was somewhere else, and despite the fact that I could see him, he wasn’t next to me. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to caress the nape of his neck. Flick his ear. Poke his side. Flick his nipple through his shirt. Grab his sides when we kissed, and run my nails down his back.

I fucking missed him, and every fuckin’ bit of intimacy he’d let me indulge in. 

**“Christopher Maurice. Please shut the fuck up.”** I hissed, and he laughed at me, knowing how I was feeling, and how it’d  _ never  _ change.

**“Hmm, you said you wanna talk business though, okay…”** He licked his lips and I nodded.

**“Don’t look at me like that,”** I glanced at the screen as he winked at me, and I slowly licked my lips in response to the look I was getting.

**“Look at ‘chu like what?”** His tone was soft, and his glance was playful as I rolled my eyes gently and tilted my head back.

**“Like you do. You know what I mean, you know what look you’re giving me…”** I felt like I was seventeen again as I pressed my lips together and glanced at the screen again, wishing that he was here. If we ever stopped flirting, I knew I could have him in front of me.

**“Do I look anything how you look right now? Lusty, dreamy, hopeful… like that? You want me right now, huh? That’s how you’re looking… I know that look.. How do I look?”** He teased me, and I blew out the breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

**“You know that’s exactly how you’re lookin at me, muhfucka…”** I scrunched up my face and my shoulders heaved as I sighed.

**“You miss me, babe?”**

**“Baby, c’mon now… you know I do. And, I don’t like how…”** I closed my eyes softly and rolled them, **“You got me actin’ like a fuckin’ teenager! I do want you here, though.”**

**“I know. I haven’t been able to fuck witchu’ about it though, so chill. I’m stuck in traffic for the moment, so I’m not going anywhere until I get out of it. But, did you see your girl though? CJ texted me, asking if I liked Wendy because you didn’t. Then, Momma texted, sayin’ we were on Hot Topic again...”** He explained as I sat back and just looked at him, transfixed in the little things he was doing while stalled in traffic. 

My eyes traced his facial features and his expression made me lick my lips again as I pulled myself together and nodded. I was getting  _ stuck  _ and I knew this was something that would never stop being a thing for me. We could never be next to each other for too long without just staring, and sometimes that was more communication between the two of us than words could ever be good for. It was good at times, but it could be our downfall too, and we’d both gotten caught up in just lookin’ at each other a lot of times… 

I couldn’t stop staring though, and I knew that he couldn’t either.

**“Fuck her, though, but yeah, I watched it too. I don’t even wanna know how they got that video, but meh. Whatever. We both knew us being out and about was out there, but that’s not gonna stop me from moving, and I hope it doesn’t stop you either. ”** I finally responded, and he smirked at me.

**“Stop lookin’ at me like I’ma disappear. I told you. I’m not going anywhere.”**

**“I know, ‘cause you stuck in traffic.”** I responded, and he scoffed lightly.

**“You know what I meant, and don’t forget it either. But, whussup Babe, what you tryna do?”**

**“Since you’ve gotten caught up and can’t speed no where, lemme admit though that I do have an idea about something I’ve been conceptualizing, big word of the day, and I wanted to watch the show with you, actually.”** I laughed as he mouthed  _ conceptualizing  _ and rolled his eyes at me.

**“I was thinking that we could do the first four episodes, and maybe finish the rest tonight? I know I haven’t been to the house yet, and tonight might be the night I** **_finally_ ** **make the move, or maybe tomorrow.. I’m supposed to catch up with Mike later… but before that, if you could come to the office, I’d love it.”** I smiled as he nodded softly and I could tell he was back in motion again, and that made me hype, knowing it wouldn’t be long before we were face to face again.

**“You sound like you’re up to something.”** His eyebrow went up, and I smiled.

**“Maybeeee...”** I teased, and he scoffed gently.

**“Ain’t no damned maaaaaybe. I know you are. But, drop your location, and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”**

**“Yesssss, okay!”**

**“Hype ass, squirrel ass girl.”** He teased me as I gave him the finger, and he winked at me.

**“Later, I promise.”**

**“Shut the fuck up. But, okay, bet. Text me when you’re outside.”** I insisted as he winked at me, and then ended the call.

I wanted to relax, be like I usually was with him, but I had to put my big girl pants on, and calm my hot ass down. I was supposed to be productive, so I wanted to handle business first. I just hoped we could have the business talk without me forgetting what the fuck I wanted him next to me for once he was here. His face  _ did  _ alleviate some of the tension that was building up though, and I exhaled softly as I realized it.  

**“Oh, bitch.”** Oliver was standing in front of me with his eyebrow up, surprised as fuck, and all I could do was look at him. I forgot  _ all about him,  _ and I laughed into my hand.

**“Oh, my God. I’m sorry. I done forgot all about you, my bad.”** I apologized, and he shook his head at me.

**“Wait, hold on, you listened to the whole damned conversation, huh?”**

**“I did! And I am.. flummoxed! I am in shock,”** He gasped, and I tilted my chin in his direction and glared at him. We stared at each other for a minute before he continued leaning back in his chair, holding his hand against his chest in mock shock. 

Or, shit, I think that was real.

I think I broke him. He hasn’t blinked or anything, and his mouth is still open. I childishly jerked my hand towards his mouth and made a clucking sound, and he ain’t even budge. Oh, fuck. I did break him!

**“Kacie Jaylin Devaughn hyphen Brown hyphen Jordan, I cannot believe you bitch. I can’t, Oh My God.”** He murmured, and I shook my head at him.

**“Stop, you makin’ me blush too.”** I waved him off, and he started fanning himself, and stood up.

I watched him walk in tight circles, and I shook my head. I could see the curiosity surmounting between the two of us as he looked at the board, and then back at me. I could tell there was no question of the validity of the shit he had compiled in his attempts in trying to stay in the loop, and it made me press my lips together in a firm line. I was supposed to keep him in the loop, but when it came to my relationships, I had to work shit out internally first before I said or confirmed  _ anything.  _

I just shrugged, not even committing to answering any of the inquiries I knew he was bound to start tossing my way. I could just  _ see  _ the gears turning in his head as he wanted to know  _ everything,  _ and I honestly, truly, couldn’t give him that. Shit, I still hadn’t even explained the situation to my parents or my siblings,  _ especially  _ Omari, and just to see someone in front of me, really reeling from seeing the shit in real time had me certain that I  _ knew  _ I was gonna have to really do something to fix all of this.

Not even  _ fix  _ it, really, I just knew that I had to figure out what to do to get everybody to shut the fuck up. But, in reality, they weren’t gonna  _ ever  _ do that. They’d just start talking even more, and just sitting here, tuning Oliver out, had me certain of that.

**“I just wanna know if there'll be any more threesomes,”** Oliver’s voice honed back in as I scoffed at him.

**“Mmm, you being nosier than you was when you assembled this board of conspiracies,”** I shook my head as he looked at me, and I laughed.

**“Don’t try and redirect me, hoe.”**

**“I’m not answering that. I plead the fifth,”** I stood and stretched, and shook my head to silence him again.

**“C’mon, leave me alone. I need you to handle something for me anyway.”**

I made sure to put him to work before he started pegging me with more questions. I had arranged for him to leave out for a while once Chris got here, not really sending him on a wild goose chase, but I did need him to arrange for appointments to get my hair and makeup done for my upcoming Complex interview tomorrow, but I had to have alternatives in multiple locations too, so that would give me time for anything that I  _ didn’t  _ want him to be here for.

While waiting on Chris to pop up, I sat down, trying to calm myself down more than anything. I figured out what I’d wear and a few alternatives, and after being satisfied with the vision I was forming, I redirected myself to do a little bit of work. I pulled up my notes that I had brewing in Google Docs as my foot tapped against the floor in excitement. I really did want him in the next season though. I find it funny how while I was back at the party that finally got us talking, several people had speculated that he definitely needed to be involved in things at this point. I never ruled the idea out, but I had  _ no idea  _ if I could take it there until we were sitting across from each other at Bossa Nova.

I was four episodes down for season two already, just gathering things, tryna put one and one together to make two. I had fleshed out a lil’ something with the possibilities that I had drummed up back at the table during that lunch, trying to hypothetically stretch the introduction of Chris as older Dante, and Celeste as whatever she wanted her name to be. I had to remind myself to ask her when we were face to face again. 

The good thing about the whole thing was I could easily drum up the entire web of characters, their storylines, how they would intervene and align, and the writers worked off of what I had to flesh out things better than I could at times. I was excited about what was going to happen, and going forward, I wanted Chris to be on board with all of the chaos as well. 

That’s why I needed him  _ here,  _ so he could see the vision, see what was going on, and we could for the first time, professionally work together. Very rarely had I let him into my artistic mind, and he was very excited and supportive with the viewing of the Youtube version of the show, so to see how I’d taken that and made it even  _ bigger,  _ I was excited. I was hype that everything would work out, because I could just see now how the set would be with all three of us on it. 

I was hella hype about him coming to the office though because he hadn’t been here since I was here, doing other things. I wanted him to see me doing me in a place that wasn’t designed for me to do myself in. I wasn’t far from our former  _ home,  _ so he would definitely be around soon. I checked  _ find my friends  _ after we started sharing our locations just to check, and it just so happened to be  _ so soon _ that my anxious ass decided to go wait for him to pull up like he was bringing me food from Grubhub or something.

I trailed down the hall with a smile, took the elevator to the first floor, and stood out in the front and just waited, feeling like Ginuwine’s ass, anxious as fuck. It’s bad! This is bad, but this is how I  _ know…  _ yeah, ain’t shit changed. Like, for real, I miss him so much that I’m really standing here trying to spot his car in traffic bad…. bad. 

Fuck.

You know it’s bad when I spotted him staring directly at me before he could even park. I felt my face get warm as I smoothed down invisible wrinkles on my long skirt and waited for the car to die down and him to get out. My mind subconsciously made me uncross my hands from shielding my stomach and placing them on my hips as I watched him approach me, and I literally held my fucking breath.

I don’t know why I was looking at this nigga like I was, and he was looking at me like he’d never seen me before. I motioned for him to come closer, off of the sidewalk, and once he did, I hummed lowly as I looked at him. He was so fucking fine, still. It made no sense for me to feel the way I did every time I saw him, and I knew I wasn’t alone from the look he was giving me.

**“Why you looking at me like that now? What’d I do?”** I asked as we were finally in front of each other again. 

It had been  _ too long,  _ like, it hadn’t been  _ that long,  _ but fuck, now? Every time we were apart, I was pretty sure this is how I’d feel. His teeth was digging into his bottom lip as he just  _ stood there,  _ and recovered from stalling by running his hand down his mouth.

**“Ayo, what the fuck,”** He chuckled as he smoothed down his eyebrows and circled me, being a dumbass. I rolled my eyes softly at him as he pulled me into him, and wrapped his arms around me as he’s done countless times before, but I swear, every time felt like the first time.

**“What the fuck what, what?”** I laughed nervously as I gripped his back, and raked my nails over his shirt. 

**“You look so fucking good, and so fuckin’ ready to handle business. Damn. I like this,”** He spoke into the top of my head and I pulled back to look up at him, and rolled my eyes gently at him.

**“Boy, shut up.”** I blushed as he touched the collar of the blouse I wore, and gently tugged me back into him after I tried to pull back to look at him.

**“I like when you dress up, look professional, y’know, like you’re about to go wow and stun everybody. You’re gonna wow and stun me too, I bet.”** He flirted as I smiled at his insinuations, and gently slapped his hand as it crept up my hip. His eyes widened, and I whined softly as I pulled apart from him again.

**“See, this is why we’re in the midst of the shit we are now.”** I tsked, and he laughed.

**“And.. I almost I forgot you get turned on by a lil’ bit of dom. C’mon. You can whisper all of your praises into my ear once we’re not on the fuckin’ sidewalk. We ain’t doin’ this shit out here today.”** I shook my head softly as I grabbed his hand, and tried to lure him in the direction of the building, but I wasn’t fast enough.

**“Hold up,”** He whirled around on me quickly, and unlocked the car doors with a button. I watched him closely as he pulled a bag from the passenger’s seat.

**“Wait wait wait, before I forget. I got snacks.”** He held up the 7-11 bag filled with miscellaneous junk food, and I accepted the bag with my eyebrows up as we walked back into the building. 

**“Oh, you got snacks? Whatchu got in here,”** I peeked into it to see a bag of mini Twix, Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream, Hostess cupcakes, two sleeves of Oreos, some tamarind candy, two bags of Salsa Verde Doritos, and a couple of Snapple Apples. I chuckled as I looked at him, and he smiled like he had done something right, and he  _ did,  _ he knew he did.

**“You tryna start something.”** I clucked my tongue as he laughed. 

**“I invite you to my office and you bring all my favorite snacks, and you ain’t fumble the bag not once? Yeah, you tryna start something.”**

We boarded the elevator and he smiled at me, but didn’t come closer like I anticipated him to. 

**“Stop looking at me out the corner of your eye and just kiss me, weirdo.”** I motioned for him to come closer and he did, closing the space between us quickly.

Fucking swear to  _ God,  _ we got to the fourth floor too quickly for my liking. I frowned for a second as he kissed me gently once we got off, and walked back down the hall to the entrance of the office that once upon a time held the Monami Entertainment Los Angeles office, but it was now the Los Angeles remote office for  _ City In The Stars,  _ which was the production company I pulled together shortly after graduating.

Just like Mona, who I contributed a lot of my success as a functional adult to, I was based out of New York, and usually was only here to pull together just a little bit of work that I could only get away with for a lil’ bit of time. Chris hadn’t been here since this was  _ MonaWorld  _ and I shook my head as I watched him look at the logo on the door - the company’s name, written in Celeste’s four year old handwriting - and smile at me.

**“I’m proud of you,”** He hummed softly as we stepped into the office, and he looked around, all smiles.

Oliver was  _ ready,  _ sitting at the empty receptionist desk, and spun around slowly in the chair as I shook my head at his dramatics. Chris laughed as he looked at him and then back at me, and I shook my head again.

**“Baby, you remember Oliver, right?”** I flourished in the direction of my assistant as he smiled, stood up, and they briefly shook hands.

**“Wow, you ain’t quit on her yet? I don’t know if I should be afraid of you or just settle for proud at this point,”** Chris looked directly at me as he said that, and I narrowed my eyes at him.

**“I mean, if I could get her to graduation and not fuck that up, I wasn’t going to just leave her after that. As soon as I needed a job, she had my back like I had hers.”** Oliver smiled at me, and I shook my head softly.

He wasn’t lying though. I let them talk for a minute and hung back, finally picking up the mail I hadn’t tore into when I got here earlier. I glanced down at a magazine that had a snippet about your girl, and I realized that it was new, like  _ circulating today  _ new, and it stopped me from paying attention to Oliver and Chris.

I’ve been talked about, discussed, several times before. That wasn’t shit new. But, I don’t think it had ever come at me  _ this fast,  _ and it took me back, just for a second. I opened up the issue of WYKA and pressed my lips together as I finally got to the little section on me. I wasn’t in the middle of scandals and more fuckery though, but yet I was being profiled in the “who is…” section, with a few other upcoming creatives that I’d known personally, or ran into before. 

I was surprised to see a timeline of my ships and my work, one that I hadn’t had any input in, nor had come across in any of my emails or calls that I recalled taking within the last week. Usually,  _ something  _ would get slid my way, things to look out for, or  _ things of minimal importance,  _ but to be honest, it probably could have been somewhere in my email, but I’d been ignoring it too. I licked my lips slowly as I looked down, focusing on what was in front of me. My eyes slowly roamed down the page with my eyebrow up, trying to see what the hell this was all about.

They had been mentioning me interning at Vibe as an ambitious 15 year old, who also started  _ GimmeABeat,  _ my longstanding music blog. I tilted my head slightly at the mention of  _ that,  _ something I kept up to this day, but damn, what did they do, go back through the archives? 

They made sure to highlight the assortment of celebrities I’d met and worked with, including my relationship with my brother Omari, a brief line on my  _ two exes,  _ my current ship with Michael, some pictures of me and Scott, me and Donald, and definitely made sure to post MySpace era images of me and Chris. They briefly touched on connections and the rare credits not too many knew I was behind, including the period in which I freelanced through my college career working for basically any magazine that would pay me before I truly committed to Vibe. 

What can I say? I wasn’t gonna let that degree go to waste. Like Oliver just mentioned, I barely made it out. As time went on, I was kinda surprised that those people reporting on me hadn’t come in contact with me directly while writing, but they were damned accurate with their reports. They made sure to include that two year stint that I spent working in front of and behind the scenes of Awards Season too.

Like damn. I knew I'd had to look out for whoever was writing this first of all, and this magazine as a whole, cause that wasn't always brought up or highlighted. Someone was really doing their homework and handling their business on the  _ WYKA  _ team. The first time I was comfortable really putting myself out there was when I worked as an on air correspondent for the BET Awards, The AMAs, The Billboard Awards, and The Grammys, when I should have been a date, but I was chasing a check back then. I had diapers to buy, and my daughter was expensive. I was in love with the hustle, and made my moves accordingly, to keep us in a good place.

The one page feature hadn’t missed how I finally went  _ back home _ working with Vibe, and then back to BET for a while, and finally on various shows at VH1 before I finally threw in the towel and became my own boss at twenty six, creating  _ city in the stars _ . I had wanted to become my own boss for as long as I could remember, and by that point, it had  _ definitely _ come time for me to branch out on my own. 

I looked around at this office, the smaller of two, and smiled. Chris was still talking to Oliver, and they were probably talking shit to each other. My eyes went back to the page, truly stunned on the fact that the this whole explanation of Kacie Jay was coming with a lot of accuracy, and I wanted to look into this. Like the profile revealed, I primarily dabbled in was an assortment of visual arts, and had since I was a teen. I was  _ nice  _ behind a camera, so I was definitely into photography, and outside of the show and writing, and the music side of things. To give back in a sense, I had only recently started assisting a bunch of younger writers with getting out there by putting them on the team, and having them work closely with me for the show. 

The profile capped off highlighting me though, and not once going into depth about my daughter, who was only mentioned by name once without tying her to Chris or Michael. They praised me for working hard and using my show as a tool to fuel the pain of not being able to handle the ups and downs or getting what you want, and I genuinely smiled at the praise. It was unexpected, but I loved all of what I had just read. It wasn’t about the men, it was just about  _ me,  _ and that made me smile even harder. It finished with telling people to check my blog for the latest music reviews and updates, and to go binge both versions of the show.

I wanted something to show for all of my hard work, again, without the connection of the man who was staring at me right now with his eyebrow up, and had started looking around again. I smiled at him, and he had yet to stop smiling at me. Despite all of the chaos that had gotten me to where I was, seeing him be appreciative of all of this, I really felt like I had made it. 

**“Kacie ain’t gon tell you anyway,”** I lifted my head up when I heard my name, and glared at the both of them.

**“Keep tryna talk his ear off like I wasn’t hype as fuck to see him,”** I finally threatened Oliver as he threw his hands up and stepped back, and Chris finally stepped back over to me, and kissed my forehead.

I rolled my eyes and gently led him into my office. Once the door closed behind us, it was like  _ fucking finally!  _ and I sighed softly, and ran my fingers down his back as he stood in front of me. His eyes took in his surroundings immediately, and stepped into the space like he was going to break something. 

This part was what he  _ hadn’t  _ seen, and it wasn’t like the office I had in our old spots together. This was  _ my space,  _ this was houseplants, comfort, momentos, candles and jazz playing on the Google Home in the corner. This was Prince on the walls, Michael too, Janelle, Bey, idols hanging in the cut. Printouts from everywhere, and accolades, and copies of my diplomas. He knew me, and pointed out a few things without opening his mouth to speak, and it put him in a sense of awe. 

I just watched him, wondering what was running through his mind.

He was drawn to pictures he’d never seen before, including a whole life of baby pictures of Celeste, Mike, my family, the cast, my crew, my industry friends, friends we shared, and he really took it all in. I watched him as he folded his arms as he stood back for a minute, and looked over at me.

I looked at him with a gentle sigh and he walked around my desk, staring at the pictures on it, and then took my laptop off of sleep mode with a swipe of his fingertip. I knew he expected to see something there other than the picture of me in Anguilla with Mike and Celeste a few months ago, because his eyes betrayed the fuck out of him. 

For a second, I wondered what he was anticipating finding, but it didn’t take long for me to realize what it was. He wanted to see some sign of him. He wanted to see that I wasn’t bullshitting, and that I hadn’t just totally and completely blacked the fuck out on him, and the several times in which we both failed to get the situation between us going again.

However, I wasn’t going to bring it up, because I knew he didn’t want to really admit that shit was as palpable as the tension between us, which made me finally touch his arm and get him to turn around.

**“Please tell me what’chu looking for,”** I raised my eyebrow as he looked down on me.

**“Because if you looking for anything that’s including or revolving around you, you won’t find it until we watch episode one of** **_Used To It_ ** **. That’s kinda why I wanted you here.”** I ran my fingers down his back, and he hummed lowly as he looked at me.

**“I wasn’t sure if you had seen the HBO version or not, and I’m slowly getting acclimated back into your world, and pulling you into mine, so… we have to make time to mingle. First, we just gotta get situated.”** I looked at him, and forked my head over to the couch that was situated near the TV.

**“You can get comfortable.”**

**“See, you've already wowed me, baby. I'm just waiting to be stunned.”** He insisted, and I shook my head.

I hate how he makes my voice turn all soft and shit. He chuckled as he gripped my hand and lured me over to the couch with him. I stopped the jazz radio on my phone and sat it down on the coffee table, and sat back to look at him. He emptied his pockets on the table, slouched in a corner, and turned until he got comfortable. Once he did, he dug into the bag of snacks and pulled out the ice cream first. It did not surprise me in the slightest that it was strawberry cheesecake flavored, which was his favorite dessert combination. 

**“Strawberry cheesecake ice cream eatin’ ass…”** I laughed as he pursed his lips and passed me the carton of Chocolate Fudge Brownie, and I didn’t open my mouth to say anything else for the first few spoonfuls.

**“Don’t ever say you’re forgettable, I remember everything about you.”** He reminded me, and I smiled as I stared down into my carton of ice cream.

**“You remember my eating habits. Old eating habits.”** I added, and he shrugged his shoulders.

**“It’s programmed into here.”** He explained, and I shook my head gently.

**“This is still my weakness though, and I’ll never turn down chocolate…. but, don’t worry, baby. You’ll learn about what you missed out on. I’ll get you up to speed real quick.”** I pointed my spoon at him, and he wound up eating the ice cream off of it. I shoved him in the side and huffed softly as I reclined, and he wrapped his arm around me as I grabbed the remote for the TV, and pulled Youtube up.

**“I missed you, Fatass.”** I leaned in and pressed my lips against his as he smiled into my kisses, and pulled back only briefly to remove the ice cream cartons from our hands. 

Duh, Kacie. I rolled my eyes as he smiled and pressed his forehead against mine, and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest.

Yeah, he missed me too.

**“I missed you, Big Baby.”** He hummed, and I smiled up at him.

**“You finished the YouTube version of the show, right?”** I asked as he shook his head gently, finally breaking away from my kisses and returning his attention to the screen.

**“Almost. I watched a lot of it when you were swerving me. I like, put my phone on vibrate and stuck it down in the couch and binged almost all of it. I have two episodes left in season two, and now that you mention it, I’m kinda mad at you-”**

**“Why’re you mad at me for?!”** I frowned, and he stuck his chin up, and pursed his lips.

**“Because! Yo, this shit is interesting, and I know it’s fictionalized to a fault, but, I mean, shit… imagine if I DID snatch you from Mike,”** He questioned as I rolled my eyes at him.

**“Oh what, you’ve thought about this too? Enlighten me, Mr. Brown.”** I lapped my leg over his, an he chuckled.

**“No, like, for real Babe. Imagine it. You’re doing your thing, you’re writing, you’re chasing what’s hot, and the dude you’re with can only imagine being there. He’s trying though, and he might have found his big break, but you’re trying to chase someone else while they live through theirs. I’m really thought about this shit,”** He smiles at me as I smile back.

We look stupid as fuck, just smiling at each other, but I wanted to hear what he had to say. I was very much into what he was telling me, and super interested in what he had to say about what he’d seen so far. He was spot on with what he was saying in a way that it made me grasp his arm, and he knew what that meant. Keep talking, I’m totally into this conversation right now.

**“Keep going.”** I encouraged him, gently rubbing his hand as I clasped it in mine.

**“So, your man thinks you’re going to give up on him to just focus on your job and nothing more than that, but you won’t stop being his biggest fan even when shit is just… bad. So, while he’s trying to make it, you finally catch up with the star that everyone’s talking about, and y’all finally meet, finally link up, and y’all really hit it off, like, instantly. Like you’ve known each other forever, so now, shit, you’re conflicted… now what do you do? What do you do now?”** He shook me a little, and my eyes widened in surprise as I gasped a little bit.

**“Oh, shit.”**

**“You just try and figure it out while trying to juggle both. Ain’t no other way to make it work. You have your man, then there’s work, that world, and whatever he’s trying to get you hip on as he learns that world too, and it’s** **_hard,_ ** **it is, but you stick with it. ‘Cause you like the chase that comes along with the dude who’s already established with it, and your man’s struggle ain’t looking like a current situation anymore, and you can’t juggle both no matter how hard you try to, so… how do you decide? What do you do?”** He smiled as he looked at me, and I opened my mouth and closed it, shocked.

**“Tell me,”** He insisted softly, and I ran my hands down my face. 

**“Wait… wait a minute.”** I shifted against him, and scoffed again, and just looked at him. 

**“Mmm, I know that tone. How’d that turn you on, babe?”** He asked, and I shook my head, still in awe of him really getting the fuck into my head and my mindset from the early version.

**“You just threw my whole pitch back at me, like… what the fuck? Wow…”** I pursed my lips and chuckled softly again, just  _ looking  _ at him, like how in the fuck did he….

**“I’m all up in here, still.”** He tapped at my temples, and I swatted his hand away.

**“I see.”**

**“You still ain’t answer me though! What happens? ‘Cause Jay was definitely about to go on a date with his co-star at this point, and Dante and Giana were in Richmond, actin’ like they aren’t fuckin’ soulmates…”** He narrowed his eyes at me, and I shook my head softly.

**“Let’s watch the last two episodes and you’ll find out,”** I pressed my head against his chest and got comfortable, still lying against him in awe.


	12. i like that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I like that  
> I don't really give a fuck if I was just the only one  
> Who likes that  
> I never like to follow, follow all around, the chase is on...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically long enough to be two chapters, but it's one long ass whomp. thanks for reading :)

11 | I Like That

I never thought I’d like acting, but I did. I loved it, actually.

I needed this to vent. As opposed to life going in the opposite direction, the show was an interesting alternate reality to concoct. It was a long ass journey from hastily written screenplay, to abandoned as fuck screenplay, to reworked screenplay, thanks to Donald, which eventually landed on Youtube as _Supposed To Be_ in 2014, almost three years after I’d written the first couple of lines. There were so many things that I could put in perspective, and so many things I could re-work. It made for a good comparison, great writing, and even better acting when it came down to it.

Season One went through the motions of how one decision in 2008 changed the entire relationship through flashbacks from the late 2000s, and then to four years later in 2012, to what was then ‘the present’ to compare. Every episode showed one major change that affected the future, and kept everyone hanging on the edge, trying to see what the decisions the characters made would result in.

I don’t know what I was thinking with that format, or running two simultaneous storylines like a big ass puzzle, but it was actually pretty cool. It had developed in many ways after I’d gotten serious with it and taken screenwriting classes, as well as went back to NYU to get my degree. It was a lot, but I loved it. I took a risk, and it paid off for me. As the story progressed and people caught on to it, it had gotten tons of hits on YouTube, and online coverage, and it was _everywhere,_ getting me the buzz I never knew I really wanted until _then_. I had a story to tell, and emotions to explore as I wrote the script out, and the acting is what really sold it for me. Not even the storytelling as a whole, but I knew how to do that very well too, and people could tell from the very beginning.

It was really an experience. There was plenty of _tea_ approached and attacked from a different angle, which had people very excited. I decided that if I wanted things to change then I had to change them myself. I’d have to focus on the things I actually could control, and the only thing I could control was flipping everything on its head to make it work for me. That’s how we got where we were with all of this. There were many spins on real events that I could see going the way I wrote them, as compared to how they really played out. I never planned on going beyond season one, which had fifteen episodes.

I just wanted to write, and vent.

But, people were into it, so I had to give them what they wanted. Even though it only ended up with about twenty five episodes total, and two seasons before the series finale, the fans didn’t have to wait for long for more Giana, Jay and Dante. I had bigger plans for my vision by season two, and I was excited as hell when I’d gotten the news that the show was picked up by HBO. Nothing could top that for me for a long time, because I was _really_ doing the fuckin’ thing now.

The last two episodes passed by quickly, and it makes me sigh gently. He’s extremely invested. I know how he gets when he looks at things like he does. He hasn’t looked away for a second, not even to look down at me, and I know he’s mentally tracing every second of every scene in an attempt to place it back into something real. I haven’t gotten yelled at or anything but I’m very much curious about how he feels about the situation as it is.

As Baby sat next to me and watched Giana get on Dante’s tour bus, he was stiff, knowing the parallel of this situation. The first round of this entire series, I didn’t even put myself through the motions as much as I thought I would, or anyone else who had a character inspired by them either. He was still sticking to my side though, and as Giana sat down on Dante’s bus bed and picked up a magazine, and he held his breath. He knew what the fuck was going on. As she looked at a tabloid with Jay in the middle of KFC, kissing his Jamaican co-star and the episode ended, Chris yelled at the screen, and I did _not_ expect that response from him.

 **“Yooooooo, Kacie,”** He turned toward me, in a combination of shock and something I couldn’t place. **“That can’t be it…”**

 **“Is that it? Dante goes on his tour, Jay out here** **_fucking up,_ ** **and Giana must hate KFC too.”** He looked at me, and I shrugged, and he frowned.

We weren’t going there. I sucked my teeth, and he looked at me before grabbing a twix from the open bag, and shaking his head. I was trying to remember if at twenty nine, did I still absolutely fucking _hate_ KFC like eighteen year old me did?

 **“KFC is still fuckin’ trifling.”** I rolled my eyes, and he side eyed me, and I rolled them again.

 **“But, forreal, that was it?”** He asked, and I nodded.

 **“Yeah, that was it for that. I coulda kept going for maybe another three seasons, to be honest. You’d be surprised at the longevity of a good ass webseries, but given the topic and subject matter, I knew I’d grow out of the confines of YouTube too, ‘cause that was free. I’ve never been into flat out exploiting anyone or anything, y’know, so, making this hypothetical on top of punching my own self in the face with the parallels, your fans were** **_on it._ ** **I could only put so much into a rearranged perspective while hinting at how it all would end up, even if everything wasn’t fully revealed as to how or why yet. I had to figure out how to keep it going, but as soon as I got the call I was waiting on, I knew I’d be ready to restructure things yet again, and** **_really_ ** **fuck things up.”** I explained as he looked at me, and then back at the credits rolling on the screen.

 **“So… that’s it?”** He yelled, and I laughed.

 **“That’s ittttt, baby. We both know how the fuck that ended up anyway, so...”** I shook my head as he threw his hands up, and sucked his teeth before leaning forward and grabbing a pulparindo.

I just watched him, with my eyes lowering, ‘cause I knew exactly what he was gonna do. He was gonna open it, sniff it, lick it, maybe bite a piece, swallow it, and then say it was nasty, and give it to me.

 **“This shit nasty.”** He grunted, and I rolled my eyes as I stuck my tongue out, and he looked at me, then flicked his tongue against mine.

 **“Ion’ know why you even opened it when you do the same thing every time…”** I pushed his head back away from me, and he winced.

 **“Chris, gimme the damned candy!”** I laughed as he passed it to me, and I bit into it, and looked at him as he opened one of the Snapple Apples, hoping it’d get the taste out of his mouth. His knee started to shake and I trapped it down with my thigh and looked at him.

**“You anxious?”**

**“I am, I’m just sitting here waiting for another episode to get ready to start, and it ain’t no more?! That’s it forreal?!”** He yelled again, and I groaned into his shoulder as I pulled back to look at him, and he was still staring at the screen, and I started cackling.

 **“Stop, that was it. Unless you wanna watch all of the things in the behind the scenes playlist, and the ‘** _see, what had happened was’_ **post episode conversations. Season two ended with Giana going on tour with Dante, and Jay got his big break but was already cheating with his Co-Star. So basically, ‘08 on it’s ass.”** I reminded him, and he shook his head at me.

 **“Knowing you, you probably were up to season five in your head by then.”** He assumed accurately, and I nodded furiously.

 **“I started drafting the arcs for the third season and then it got picked up. I literally reshot this whole episode to take it from a season finale to a series finale like two months after I got the call anyway, so I consider that like… alternate universe version one, and** **_Used To It_ ** **is version two.”** I broke a cupcake in half and gave him a piece, and he frowned at me.

It wasn’t disappointment on his face though, and I watched him cycle through both playlists before putting the behind the scenes playlist into rotation. I bit into my cupcake and watched him as he put the corner of his in his mouth, and then threw his head back to eat the whole thing. Fatass. I scrunched up my face as I watched him multitask, still setting up a playlist of BTS videos.

 **“It’s weird that this is something that I fucking experienced myself, y’know, but I’m super invested in how you flipped everything around, and then there’s so much you** **_didn’t_ ** **recreate, and so much that still could be out there to even branch off of the little bitty piece of  what you did indulge in, like… you really went into the shit.”** He smiled, and I laughed at him.

 **“And also, you know you lied to me, right?”** He raised his eyebrow as I tilted my head, and he looked back up at the screen.

**“You said you didn’t talk about me. But, there’s literally no way for you to explain the show without mentioning me… without bringing us up.”**

**“Okay, so, maybe a little… stop looking at me like that. You know how I can get, though, so it was just… a lil’ reveal here, and a lil’ bit of insight there… all professional, no spite, nothing less than love. ‘Cause I mean, c’mon, y’know… I have nothing but love for you anyway. But, it was always very brief though.”** I shrugged my shoulder gently, and he smiled at me.

 **“I’m just fuckin’ with you. It’s interesting to watch you do though. Your eyes get big and your voice is definitely struggling to stay steady… but at least you’re not sitting there, about to start crying, and that’s progress.”** He looked up at the screen and watched me for a second, and I smiled as I sat back against him.

I didn’t have to mention how hard that shit used to be, and he knew it. He touched the side of my face, and smoothly coaxed me into a kiss. I sighed into his mouth and pulled back, and tried not to start spazzing when I pulled away. I wanted more. It wasn’t enough.

I inhaled just a little as he touched my cheek again, and I briefly pressed my forehead against his as I kissed him again and he pushed into it, pulling me closer to him. I straddled his lap and my back arched instantly. He was really _here,_ he was underneath me, slowly kissing me, and running his hands up my back like I loved to do to him. His hands were soft as fuck and distracting me from literally everything, but I knew I couldn’t stay up here. We were supposed to be working.

 **“I don’t even know how I ended up here,”** I hummed softly as I pulled back from him, and he ran his fingers down my face, making me smile. He rubbed his thumb against my bottom lip and kissed me again, and my thighs started to tremble.

Then I, emotionally, stupidly, felt myself tearing up.

 **“Umph, there they go.”** He wiped my eyes as I shook my head and pressed my face into his neck.

 **“That’s your fault! You already know how you got me wired…”** I complained as his hands briskly ran up and down my back, trying to get me to chill. I was _not_ about to bust our in tears on top of him.

 **“Whew, fuck. I need to move.”** I gasped softly as he lifted me and sat me next to him, and I pushed back into a corner and looked at him until rearranged himself to lie on me. He laid his head against my chest and I started stroking his neck.

 **“I really do want you to be on board with next season though. We can handle the contractual shit later. And also, this ain’t how I conduct business, but I already know you’ll be on board.”** I told him softly as he looked up at me, and then nodded.

 **“I was the one to tell** **_you_ ** **I wanted you to help me, right? I know you always got my best interest at heart. So, whatever you want to do to help me, baby, I’m with it.”**

That definitely settled that, and I was trying so hard not to get the gears turning in my head at the thought of it all. Not yet, not now, ‘cause I knew I’d start writing and get heavily into the possibilities, and right now, I just needed to be the fuck still and tuck it all away for later. He got deep into the screen as he watched the behind the scenes videos, and traced his fingers up and down my thigh, and I finally relaxed again. I felt _hella good_ as he got comfortable, because I wasn’t sure if I would ever get this kind of simple comfort again with him, not for a _while._

 **“You’re hella focused… like you’re really into the shit,”** I softly spoke, and he looked up at me and shook his head gingerly.

 **“Look at you, like….”** He motioned towards the screen and I blushed at him.

I haven’t seen him this invested in anything I’ve done in a long ass time. We were three videos in as he watched me in motion and his hand slipped into mine, and he took it all in, and made no commentary. The last video ended in the playlist and we sat up then, and he looked at me expectantly.

 **“All this hard work… let’s see what came out of it.”** Chris softly insisted as I nodded, and he pulled me closer to him. It made my back arch as I sat up to grab the remote, and glanced back at him. I switched over to the HBOnow app and looked at him as he smiled at me, and I inhaled softly.

 **“I’m so fuckin’ proud of you,”** Chris told me for the second time today.

I was smiling from ear to ear as he kissed the crown of my head and slowly dragged his fingers down into the back of my head, and gently massaged my scalp.

 **“I really, really am, babe. For real.”** Chris hummed softly as I looked up at him and kissed him gently.

**“Thank you.”**

**“You gon’ press play, or….”** He extended his arm for the remote and I chopped his hand down.

I clutched the remote against my chest and pressed play, without an explanation, backstory, or anything. I was excited to see him watch this since there wasn’t much but a first season to really get into, so he could start stanning for my work early. I definitely couldn’t wait to see how he’d take seeing Cook up there, playing the alternate version of him.

At the same time though, I felt like this one was more true to the situation as it had been flipped. This one was the one that was going to fuck him up, and was going to put him in his feelings. I didn’t want it to trigger him or anything, but I didn’t know how to preface this _at all._ So, we just went right into the first episode, and he smiled at me for all of three seconds until the scene came into vision.

The sound of me moaning and Usher’s _There Goes My Baby_ was all the surround sound played, and _fuck._ I felt his body language change up immediately as he sat up and I pressed my lips together as he shifted away from me.

 **“You fucked him for the opener in this too? Gotdamn, Kacie…”** He cursed, and clucked his tongue as he sat back, folding his arms across his chest. I pushed them down and wrapped my arms around his waist, and buried my head into his chest.

 **“I -** **_Giana,_ ** **G just got some head. This gon’ piss you off?”** I asked as he looked down at me, and sucked his teeth. I shrugged it off, but I noticed then that he was listening closely, and my eyebrow went up as I tilted my head up to look at him.

 **“I can’t believe you,”** He sat up, and I was _confused as fuck._ I pulled away from him and looked at him then, not knowing what he was on, but the shift in his mood made my mouth dry.

I grabbed the open Snapple Apple and my eyebrow went up as I nearly drank all of it, but sat it back down as he looked at me, basically shooting daggers at me.

 **“You came forreal, huh?”** He asked, voice small, and I scoffed gently as I sat up and folded my legs underneath me.

I looked back up at the screen, mentally recounting how many sex scenes were in the first season between me and Donald, and there were only four out of the ten episodes, but I knew he was _not_ gonna like that. I just side eyed him with a shrug as he and I both watched _Giana_ dig her nails into _Jay’s_ shoulders, and yeah, I did.

I didn’t need to lie to him about it.

**“I did.”**

**“You really fucking did,”** He looked at me, appalled, and sucked his teeth. I hummed lowly in my throat, and he hit pause, and turned and looked at me.

 **“What, you mad? It’s acting….”** I insisted as he grunted and I untucked my legs from underneath my body as he licked his lips.

 **“That’s understandable, but that shit was** **_real._ ** **Like, that ain’t sound like no acting, Kace.”**

 **“It** **_was_ ** **acting.”** I scrunched up my face and looked at him, like really? Forreal? You finna start wilding now? Like we wasn’t just doing _amazing?_

 **“They may not know real, but I know real. What’d he** **_really_ ** **do to make you sound like that? Huh?”** He asked, and I closed my eyes briefly as I felt the couch groan with weight as he shifted himself and scooted in on me again.

 **“Really?”** I glared at him, and he looked me up and down, as if to intimidate me into answering him.

 **“You can get away with soft porn on here, so lemme find out he was eating you out forreal to make you sound like that.”** He said, and my eyebrow went up as I tilted my head a little, ready to snap on him, but I _knew_ jealousy when I heard it, and he was _not_ fooling ya girl.

 **“Oh, I know you’re not gonna shut down on me now,”** He licked his lips, and I shook my head and closed my eyes again. He was too damned close, and I _knew_ what he was on without even opening my eyes to look at him. I couldn’t.

 **“Don’t keep your eyes closed. Look at me, Kacie.”** I opened my eyes back up and looked at him, and gently sucked my teeth.

 **“What, you jealous?”** I asked, and he chuckled.

**“No comment? Oh, no comment, now, when you’ve been licking bitches on the thighs and shit in your videos and all on stage and shit, so don’t fuckin’ play with me… you jealous?”**

**“Look me in my eyes and tell me you ain’t jealous that he made me cum for real,”** I tilted my head a little, and his nostrils flared when he looked at me, but I knew he couldn’t.

This was _not_ what the fuck I thought we’d be sitting up here having a disagreement about. I wasn’t going to let this shit last for long though, and it was _stupid_ as fuck anyway. I bopped him on the forehead and pushed him out of my face, and he sucked his teeth again, but wouldn’t let me get up.

 **“He made you squirt too? He start askin’ you to come in his mouth?”** He asked, I shook my head no.

He clenched his jaw as he looked back at the screen, I dropped my head into one of the couch pillows I had grabbed to clutch against my chest. He tilted my chin up, and tapped my mouth, like it’d get me talking, but it didn’t do what he wanted it to. I wanted to lick the entire side of his jawline, and I exhaled softly at the thought.

 **“What, you can’t talk now?”** He asked, and I pushed back on my elbows as I just _looked_ at him, being jealous, and not admitting that something about the whole thing was turning him on.

 **“Did he?”** My fucking leg started trembling, and he held it down, clasping my thigh with his hand.

I wasn’t sure if he was talking about _Giana_ and _Jay_ or me and Donald at this point, and I shook my head again. He ran his hand down my thigh, and drug his nails across the skirt, which made my back arch.

 **“Rewind that back to the beginning.”** He insisted as I gripped the remote, and restarted the episode.

His hand was still gripping my thigh as he shifted my skirt up, and I licked my lips softly as I watched him, focusing on the screen. He made me rewind it twice before he stopped the playback, and sucked his teeth.

 **“He ain’t doing it right.”** He insisted as I raised my eyebrow at him, and watched him go into motion.

He licked his lips at me before arching his back, and nudging my legs open with his nose. He kissed up my thighs to my underwear, and I just _watched_ him. I was wondering why he was attempting to recreate this, but I knew he was doing too much in his attempts to prove a point. Yet, as soon as he licked the inside of my thigh, I didn’t give a fuck what his motive was anymore.

 **“Oh fuck,”** I exhaled softly as he gently bit my thigh and pulled back to push my skirt up to bunch around my hips.

 **“Pull em over.”** I whispered as he looked up and licked his lips, and I never looked away from him.

 **“He pulled them over, do it right...”** I explained, and he did exactly what I asked, and I definitely got wetter at the sight. Oh, fuck.

 **“I missed your fucking mouth sooo much…”** I hummed softly as he rendered me literally into nothing but whispers as he gently started to kiss and lick the inside of my thighs, but he didn’t start going _in_ on me until he lifted my thighs and pushed them over his shoulders.

 **“Baby, oh fuck..”** My hands drew to his head, gently pushing him the way I wanted him to go.

My entire fucking body was somewhere else when I felt his tongue flick against my clit. I went from hesitant, to expectant, to just… _gone._ All I could do was totally submit to him, and the way he made me feel, which he pointed out, and wasn’t wrong at all about. He was _definitely_ good at what he did, and that included putting me through a series of emotions.

 **“Baby, please don't make me squirt on this motherfuckin’ couch, because I will** **_never_ ** **forgive you for it...”** I knew what I was saying, but that shit sounded like I was singing the chorus to _like you, ‘_ cause it came out as one long ass run on sentence.

My body was gyrating against his face now as he reached his hand up, and blindly pushed it underneath the blouse I had on. My back arched a little as I started to skillfully unbutton it, and his hand soon grasped my breast, and pinched at my nipple.

This ain’t how I expected the time we’d link up to end up, but I didn’t give a fuck anymore. There was only so many ways to situate myself on the couch too, but, we figured something out. My body had pushed back to the other end of the long couch, and his whole body was on the couch, going the fuck _in,_ and I was trying so fucking hard not to squirt, but I knew I was going to fuck up and let go, and he knew that too. Trying to prove a point just threw me for a fucking loop.

 **“Oh, oh shit…”** The intensity picked up, and he dug his nails into my thigh, and my nails just as equally put pressure on the back of his head.

I definitely was about to cum on his face like he’d been requesting for me to do every time he pulled back, and when I did, I fucking snapped. The pressure building up inside of me made me lock my thighs around his ears like earmuffs as I squirted, and my orgasm left my legs shaking hard.

 **“I'm cumming, shit,”** I harshly bucked up, and he drilled his tongue inside of me like he was trying to strike oil.

He licked at the inside of my thighs and pulled me up, and I kissed him hard, tasting me on his mouth. I fuckin’ swear, nobody, literally _nobody,_ none of these niggas, can make me feel the way he does. My thighs were trembling as he scooted back, and I cursed as he kept massaging my clit, and pushed himself back over me to kiss me hard again.  

He coaxed me into cumming again on his fingers and I grasped his shirt in my hands as he sucked on my nipple, and a few seconds later, he fully disengaged from me, and sat back. He created distance and wiped his hand down his face, and I looked at him, knowing I looked stunned as fuck, but I was focused.

I wasn’t done. I wasn’t…

 **“Man, yo…”** He was trying to get up on me, and I shook my head, composed myself as best as I could, and enclosed my hand around his wrist, and pulled him back towards the couch.

 **“I gotta-”** He motioned down, and I looked at him as he stood in front of me, just looking down at me, eyes heavy as fuck.

I knew where he was trying to disappear to, but I wasn’t going to let him go handle anything on his own at this point. Why would he even fuckin’ play with me like that? I attempted to steady myself before glancing down at my hands, which were trembling at best. I didn’t know if I wanted to put them around his dick, or around his neck after that.

Either way, I was fucked.

 **“Aye, no, fuck that, no, c’mere…”** I was out of it. He knew that shit too; I wasn’t even forming full sentences anymore, and he chuckled softly as he looked down at me.

With my chest still heaving, my thighs soaked, and body on fuckin’ fire, I wasn’t about to let him leave me right here. I shook my head and ran my fingers down his thighs, and then my nails, and then back up, cupping his dick over his shorts.

 **“Can you…”** I motioned, tugging on his belt.

My eyes pleaded for help, and he looked down at me, like he needed more than the fact that I was already in motion to know that I wanted to do this. I really, really fucking wanted this…

I knew he was hesitating for a variety of reasons, and to be honest, if he hadn’t started shit and I was the one coming on to him, I knew I’d be hesitating too. Even though I kicked shit off, well, in a sense, we both did, ‘cause we’ve been flirting since we fucking went out to lunch with _no_ pause, but I was perfectly fine with this. I was grown, and oddly, since my _current boyfriend_ knew what the fuck I was going to get into eventually, it wasn’t like I had to hide the shit…

He was definitely mentally debating the shit as I tugged at his belt again, snapping him out of it.

 **“Christopher, please.”** I softly whined out my request as he finally broke, and unbuckled his belt.

I literally did a little jig of excitement for a second as I pulled his pants down a little, knowing we’d long switched places and I probably wasn’t in control at all in this sexual tug of war we often pulled off. I didn’t care anymore though, ‘cause I always ended up regaining it at some point anyway. He was so fucking hard in my hand and I literally started rocking forward at the sight as he gripped my chin and forced me to look up at him.

Just looking at him, looking at me, only made me want him in my mouth more.

 **“Put it in my mouth, baby.”** I requested and he did, slowly working himself up as he pushed forward.

I hadn’t touched this man in so fucking long that I was about to fuckin’ wild out solely for that reason alone. He was fucking _fine,_ like, this was truly my baby, and I don’t understand why in the _fuck_ both of our asses have been so dumb, and so stubborn for so long, ‘cause….

I needed him. I need him bad as fuck, and he knows this. I stretched my mouth open and stuck my tongue out, teasing him just because I could. But, honestly though? There’s nothing better than me just fucking him _up,_ and I know exactly how to get him off too.

His hand slid to the back of my head as I took him in my mouth, and I wanted us to switch, but with our height difference, it was actually easier for him to stand up in front of me. That way, when his legs started dipping, and he couldn’t hold himself up under the pressure and the sensations, I’d let him sit down so I could climb right where I needed to be. His hips thrusted forward every time he reached the back of my throat as I bobbed down on his dick, and his grip on my hair grew tighter.

In no time it had become a messy ordeal; strings of spit were hanging off of my chin and running down my breasts, and he had yet to become anything less than solid in my mouth. Chris worked up a rhythm that I fell into without any directions needed, and I kept spitting and going the fuck in on him until his legs started to buckle. He slowly withdrew from my mouth and came hard as my hand started to stroke his dick as it slid in and out of my mouth again.

I honestly whimpered when I licked my lips to catch everything, and looked up at him. My day wasn’t supposed to go like this at all. I swear to God it wasn’t, and internally, I was spazzing, and really fucking wanted more of him, more of this, just--

I think I almost passed out for a second. I had to hold my hand in front of me, planting it on his abs, and regain my composure.

 **“Mmm,”** I gripped his hips as I swallowed softly, and wiped the spit from my chin. **“Fuck…”**

 **“Lemme sit down,”** Chris grabbed my wrist, and seconds later, sat back down, and pulled me to straddle him. We kissed hard before he lifted me and lowered me, with no time for pretenses or pauses.

 **“Ohhhhh… fuck,”** He was _loud_ and I gasped as his fingers dug into my hips, and I covered his mouth with my hand.

 **“Baby, mmmmmm, fuck, shhh…”** I hummed lowly as he guided me to ride his dick.

 **“Shhh.”** I threw my head back as my hips rolled, and his hands slid up my back, holding me in place as he pulled my nipple back into his mouth, and flicked the metal accessory on it.

 **“Wasn’t even supposed to get this far, not yet baby,”** He was apologizing, I think?

I wasn’t trying to hear that shit though. His strokes became wet slaps in the silence of the room as I creamed on his dick, and he stroked deeper.

 **“I ain’t tryna hear that bullshit,”** I uttered as he flicked my hard nipple with the tip of his tongue, and I leaned in, pressing my head against the crook of his neck to bite him there.

He pulled my head back to kiss me, and we were fluid in motion as he sucked my lip into his mouth, and his body became overcome with heat. I admittedly couldn’t take too many more damned strokes either, and this position? Not helping anything….

Every time I dropped and took _every inch,_ it was a fucking wrap. His hands were firmly planted on my shoulders as he pulled me down and met me up with the same energy, and I had came hard twice already. With the sensation of my stomach brushing against his, and him looking at me, I knew I would tap out soon.

 **“Where you comin’ at, baby?”** I whispered, getting nothing out of him but more pressure applied to the back of my head as he pulled it back, and kissed my throat and neck.

**“Inside me? Hmm? Tell me.”**

**“Stop talking, babe. Hold your ass open for me.”** He grabbed my hands at the wrists as I did, holding them for leverage behind my body as I held my ass open for him, and he watched as every stroke shook my body.

 **“Turn me over, please,”** I requested, and it was the the first _please_ I’d uttered out in a while, so he had to. My lungs felt tight as I tried to hold myself together, and I gasped for air as he maneuvered me back on my stomach, and slid back inside of me.

I wasn’t trying to rush this, but _ohmyfuckingod._ He peppered my spine with kisses and pulled the back of my head up to kiss me hard, and dropped his hand to curve around my hip. He used his free hand to stimulate my clit, and a few harder, faster strokes later, I was cumming so hard, I knew that he could feel it running down his thighs.

 **“Shiiiit,”** Chris grunted as my stronghold weakened then, and I could tell he wasn’t going to be too far behind me. The wetness and friction was making him curse under his breath already.

 **“Turn the fuck over,”** He whispered as he pulled out, and I did, and he covered me quickly.

 **“Oh, fuuuuuck,”** I dug my nails into his back as he hiked my thigh onto his hip, and my legs went around his back once more, fitting into familiar grooves.

 **“I wanna cum inside of you...”** He bit my bottom lip and kissed me hard, and I pulled his head back and dug my nails into his neck.

 **“Ask nicely. Say please.”** His strokes became hard thrusts as I looked at him, and he pressed his forehead against mine, and kissed me again.

 **“Can I please cum inside of you?”** He hummed into my neck, and I hissed out a response.

I wanted him to slow down, and as if he could sense my thoughts, he did, slowing up the strokes and increasing the slow burning tension between the two of us. His back arched as he moved against me, and I shuttered against him. I looked up at him again and I _knew_ I was going to cry, and I didn’t want to, but fuck…

 **“Cum on my dick. Right fuckin’ now. I wanna feel it.”** He requested, and I fuckin’ lost it as I came again, losing count by this point. I felt fucking delirious as he slapped my clit, and the sting made me squirt again as he looked down between us, and looked up, wearing a smirk as he rubbed my clit.

**“Baby, please please please please fill me up..”**

Something about this felt like too much, overwhelming me now.

Salty tears seeped out of my eyes as I closed them softly and tried to find the strength to utter his name like I wanted to, but it was trapped in my throat. He had me open, so fucking stretched, and he didn’t need to ask me again, I was cumming hard and digging my foot into the small of his back as he licked and kissed at my neck, and started saying too many words in my ear that were encouraging me to do it again. He was cumming inside of me and I felt that shit as my back arched, and he dug his fingers into the small of my back as he pulled me close to him, and kissed me hard on the mouth.

My legs wouldn’t stop shaking when he finally pulled out, and I crossed my legs, trying to ward him the hell away at this point. He rubbed my thighs and pulled me onto his lap again, and wrapped his arms around me.

 **“Last one,”** He whispered as he came inside of me again shortly after pulling me up on top of him, and we stopped moving against each other. I pressed my head against his chest and caught my breath, and inhaled softly as he rubbed my back.

It took me a long time of trying to catch my breath and pull away from his chest to say anything, and he knew it.

**“He ain’t do me like that, so… don’t try to compare… ever again.”**

**….**

**“You’re wearing that?”** He raised his eyebrow at me as I pressed my lips together and looked at the Baby Phat velour half jacket and broke out in laughter.

 **“No, but this used to be my shit! I know you remember the pink one I had that was like a lil’ midriff joint…”** I smiled as he shook his head at me, and I continued thumbing through the racks.

 **“So, what are you going to wear?”** He asked as I shrugged, and continued trying to find _something._

We had gotten clean, separately, and I figured we’d easily be able to find something else to wear. His shirt was soaked, and my skirt was too, so, why the fuck not? He had dressed in a pair of jeans, a throwback Billionaire Boys Club shirt, and was still putting his shoes on, and was letting out a low whistle at the pictures that were pinned to a corkboard. There were faceless photos of an assortment of outfits for all of the characters, and he was really into Dante’s little section of the wall. A lot of those pieces had been taken directly from the past, and it made him smile as it took him somewhere else for a minute.

Still, he was fully dressed whereas I had only found a pair of shorts to shimmy into.

The costume department here was just _filled_ with a bunch of looks that flopped back and forth between 2008 and 2018. The fashions from the past always made me nostalgic though, and made my fucking face hurt when I came in here to see what else had been unearthed from that time. Like the rest of the cast, Giana’s primary style was definitely 2008 Kacie, seeing as how season one started when I was still in undergrad.

There was a lot of looks I had the team track down specifically for my character from a bunch of photos I’d given to them for inspiration, and a lot of those outfits had been picked by Chris in that moment. His favorite thing used to be pulling me into a closet to pick me out something to put on, _after_ he’d made sure to get me off, and I loved every second of it. I was pushing through racks of ugly corset tops, random dresses that looked Prom Ready, Empress tops, bodycon dresses, and one shoulder joints that made me shake my head at the accuracy of this ugly assed time in which all of this was fire.

I knew I could find _something_ though, and I stopped aggressively sliding tops back once I got to a very familiar babydoll top, which made me step back and pull it off of the rack. I cursed softly as I picked it up and examined it, and in that very moment, I knew exactly where this took me back to. I knew he would too, which made me even more excited to show him.

 **“Loooook!”** I squealed excitedly as I moved back into the aisle, holding up the top in the air.

 **“You remember this fuckin’ top? Oh my god,”** I was super lit with nostalgia as I held it up against my chest, and he licked his lips at me.

 **“I definitely remember this. You gon’ put it on?”** He asked as he looked at me, and I smirked.

 **“You gon’ pull my titties out of this one too, or no?”** I licked my lips, and he chuckled at me as he stepped over to me, and shook his head softly.

 **“We’ve done enough today… ain’t tryna get caught.”** He insisted as I slid it over my head, and smiled at him as I situated it on top of the short shorts I had on.

This was really an _outfit,_ one I remember putting together because I didn’t have _shit_ at his place in Richmond back then. As soon as I called myself getting dressed and looking cute as he tried to convince me to move in, the whole ’fit I had on wasn’t even flaunted like I wanted it to be. I didn’t even make it out of the bedroom before he had pulled me up from where I stood, had my back pressed all up against The Hulk that was painted on the wall, and had my nipple in his mouth in his attempts to get me to stay.

 **“I’m mad you accurately have on the entire outfit,”** He laughed as I stepped back, and looked in the full length mirror.

 **“Naw, naw I’m just missing the shoes… hold on,”** I moved around a few aisles until I got to the shoes, and shimmied my feet into a pair of fringe gladiator sandals, and stepped back around the corner to pose again.

 **“Okay now, boom, accurate as fuck… definitely Richmond pop up material,”** I put my hands on my hips and adjusted the little headband I had on and tried to hold my giggles in as I looked at him.

My phone buzzed across the top of one of the tables as I went back to get it, and pressed my lips together as I looked down at Michael’s waiting text.

 **Mike |** You did get my text about dinner arrangements right?

 **Mike |** … don’t leave me on read! So, we still on tonight, right?

 **“Mike?”** Chris inquired as he thumbed some costume jewelry, and I nodded.

 **“Yep.”** I clucked my tongue as I glanced back down at my phone, and shook my head softly.

**“Tell him I said whussup.”**

**“Ugh, you just want him to know you’re here so he can stop asking me why we’re not spending time together, but, judging on how we just** **_spent some time,_ ** **you know damned well why I ain’t come when you first offered to come swoop. You knew and I knew how we would have eventually ended up.”** I explained rapidly as he chuckled, and shrugged his shoulder at me.

 **“He knew that too. He still knows, so, he better not start acting fucking stupid about it either.”** Chris stated, making me immediately gasp and straighten my back as we started back towards the door.

 **“Wait wait wait, c’mere,”** He stopped in front of one of the floor to ceiling mirrors before we left out, and pulled me in front of him.

 **“I’m putting this on IG.”** He told me as I stood in front of him, and he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me back into him. I licked my lips slowly as he stepped back to edit the caption, and I texted Michael back.

 **KC** | *side eye* calm down, boy. Yes, we are. We’re finishing this rewatch… Chris says hi.. I’ll hit you up when we’re done.

Michael can track my location, so I couldn’t lie about where I was even if I wanted to. I know he saw me still at the office about twenty minutes ago, when he first started texting me, and honestly, I was supposed to have _been_ stopped what I was doing to call him. I hadn’t though, and I knew he was getting impatient, but I was in the middle of something.

Chris was still here, and we were actually making progress with this first watch. I watched the “2008 Realness!!!” photo get posted as I shook my head softly and commented with a few smug faced emojis and tucked my phone into the back pocket of the shorts as we re-entered my office.

Having abandoned the couch after it had been wiped down, we moved to different seating arrangements for the sake of actually being productive. I was still tingly every time I fucking looked at it now, and knew that I would be for a minute. Surprisingly, I hadn’t had sex on the couch for as long as I had it. Leave it up to him to be the first, yet again. I was blushing at the thought of that.

I had pulled one of the lounge chairs over in front of the TV, and he opted to sit on the floor in front of me. He put his head back between my legs, and swung my legs over his body like a roller coaster harness, and I laughed. He made some comment about my still trembling legs and he kissed my calves periodically as we got through episodes one and half of two before my phone started going off again.

 **“Your phone poppin,”** He commented softly as I shrugged and continued stroking the back of his head, tracing the tattoo he had there.

 **“That’s Mike.. he can wait. He’ll be aiight.”** I mused, and he chuckled softly.

My phone had buzzed at _least_ nine times in the last twenty minutes as we sat up here, watching the end of episode two. I put it on Do Not Disturb, vibrate, and turned Michael’s emergency bypass mode off too. I was _doing something,_ and he wasn’t about to disturb that, now that I had finally linked up with Chris like he wanted me to.

I glanced back up at the screen, and I was steeling myself in my seat because I knew we were getting closer to four, and that was the note I wanted to really leave off on, so it could sit with him for a while. We were supposed to have _been_ done with this, but y’know… distractions proved to be very constant.

The word had gotten out that he was here, because people then decided to come into the office, even though we weren’t doing any actual business today for real. Various staff members had called or texted my work line, just because they had seen the Instagram post, and now they wanted to see if the situation was evolving as it was. I understood that, but didn’t think anybody would actually stop what they were doing to show up.

I didn’t expect to face everyone like _this,_ in the mood I was in.

 **“Kacie,”** Oliver had decided to join us as soon as he had come back from gathering the arrangements I set him out on, took a look at our re-arranged seats and clothing change, and clucked his tongue at the both of us.

**“You know everybody finna come up here, right?”**

I realized after a minute that this was kinda my fault though. Even before the IG post, Julian, one of the stylists for the show had linked up with me on Facetime when I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to wear for this next round of photoshoots and interviews earlier. I had accepted his call when he called back, despite the fact that I was sitting right in Chris’ lap at the time.

I blushed the entire time through explaining what was going on, and Ju _insisted_ that he come in, even as I tried to talk him out of the situation. I was okay with it though, ‘cause I mean… they’d all have to meet him eventually, so now was fine.

Once we had paused episode two for the umpteenth time and I made a conference call between me and _everyone_ who kept fucking calling me, telling them to make it here in the next twenty minutes, I knew this was starting something. By the time they’d all showed up and swiped in, my ears were hot and my cheeks were warm as I stood in front of them, trying to pull together an explanation.

I had heart-eye emoji eyes the entire time I basically presented him to everyone, and he charmed everyone he’d met as large portion of my LA based team. Everyone who decided to pop up and stick around had all ultimately decided that they definitely weren’t going to miss _this,_ and the intimacy between the two of us shifted into a different gear then.

By episode three, the energy in the room had shifted once more, and I was still mentally reminding myself that other people were around, watching us, so I had to act accordingly. I knew after we got to five, we’d have to get out of here. He had mentioned several times already how he hated that he had to leave me, but I wasn’t ready to admit that I didn’t want him to go either… at least now right now.

We were back to ‘chill mode’ and opted to stick close to each other. I had got up and he took my seat on the lounge chair and I came back and sat next to him and tucked my body back into his side, and didn’t care who was giving me eyebrow raised expressions about it anymore.

So, we were all situated around my office now, about twelve additional people, and I had everyone bring their favorite snacks too, which resulted in a bunch of stuff situated all over the large coffee table. We were seconds away from watching episode four, aka ‘Giana and Dante: the introduction’, and all I did was simply remind everyone of the episode’s title, and the whole room looked _directly at us_.

This whole thing was wild as fuck to shoot, and so fucking good to watch people react to. In the episode, Giana had _finally_ caught up with Dante Marshall, who was working in the same studio space as her brother, Gabriel. I really had fun flipping this shit, but there was no fucking way I was going to flip the moment in which I had met Chris, and he was holding his breath as he watched it all go down.

I was catching in his reactions on my phone and laughed as he kept looking at me, and taking little exhales, just remembering the shit too. Even though it wasn’t _him,_ I kept the conditions as true to the shit as I could. Dante had a best friend slash older brother slash confidant type of go to man too, named Corey, who was hyping Giana up, telling him how they had met very briefly before, while the two of them stared each other down.

He started rubbing circles in my wrist as I smiled, feeling his fingers glide over the date that was permanently etched there. I remember him telling me once upon a time that he just _knew_ he was going to be a part of my life forever that day when we met, and when he lifted my hand and kissed it softly, I was blushing because I _knew_ everyone was still watching us at this point.

 **“You just knew, huh?”** I asked as he nodded, and kissed my temple.

**“Always knew.”**

But soon, the episode was over, and everyone was trying to convince us to stick around and watch the remainder, but I told them we could just link back up later in the week and watch it, together, Chris included. That seemed to satisfy everyone, and after getting a bunch of social media follows and pictures out of the way, I started reminding them to keep this as casually done as possible so we could keep this same energy going forward.

I also didn’t confirm or deny any of the shit they were asking me either, and instead, only shrugged and silently plead the fifth. It was the quickest way to get the office empty again too, and once it was and everyone was gone, I sighed softly as I looked at him, knowing that meant he’d have to go soon too.

 **“C’mere,”** He motioned as I started to gather the last bits of the trash, and collected the candy wrapper bits and bottles into the 7-11 bag. I rolled it up and looked at him as he extended his hand, and I sat the bag on the table and sighed softly.

 **“I keep saying it over and over again, but I’m so proud of you baby. I’m excited about whatever it is you wanna do when it comes to this, and I’m hype to play a part in all of it.”** H explained, and I smiled at him and inched up on my tiptoes to kiss him gently.

**“Thank you, baby.”**

**“Stop pouting at me though, ‘cause I swear your phone finna go off again, and we both need to get out of here.”** He insisted as I shook my head, knowing that he wasn’t lying.

I hesitated for a long ass time, wanting to just go with him, but I knew I couldn’t, and I shouldn’t frustrate myself thinking about it. I had rightfully lived up to my _Big Baby_ nickname though for these reasons especially, and I frowned and pouted again, and then decided to kiss his face for about twenty minutes before I really let him go.

I locked up, and we had at least gotten to the parking lot where I parked, which wasn’t public as where he’d parked out front before my phone went off again. I was trying to part from him him for real, but I knew it was going to be hard to get me to move from him.

 **“You know he’s gonna keep texting you and probably come get your ass if y’all don’t make dinner.”** He told me, and I knew this, but I don’t know why it wasn’t holding as much importance as it initially did when I sent the voice message like all of six hours ago.

 **“I know, and I swear to God I wanna be mad, but I honestly can’t. I wanna soak up all this time with him but we’re both busy, and he’s like… picture how busy you were during Exclusive… like** **_that,_ ** **and when we do have time together, it’s brief. I lowkey feel bad for not running right to him with this lil’ window he has to even spend with me, but I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do when you’re right here? This is the complicated shit I be stressing over,”** I explained as Chris shook his head, and I did too.

 **“Go eat, girl. Chill. You got my number. If he starts boring you, or the food ain’t good, or he makes you mad, and your foot won’t stop shaking and you can’t stop thinkin’ about the several ways to stab him without really stabbing him out of frustration… with your crazy ass, call me.”** Chris instructed as I laughed at him, and shook my head.

I rolled the tension out of my shoulders and tried to fix the frustration on my face as we stopped walking, and he held me closer to him for a second, and ran his fingers across my cheek as I hugged myself against his chest.

 **“Call me... and I’ll come swoop, we can get tacos… tequila.. nopalitos, you still like nopalitos, right?”** He inquired as he dotted his suggestion with kisses, and my fingers clung to his sides and gripped him tightly.

I didn’t like _any_ of the feelings I had regressed back to like the flip of a switch. I was feeling like I was a teenager again, even though I know that I’m supposed to be the mature one in the situation. Well, no, I mean, we’re all mature about this situation, I guess, but… something doesn’t feel right.

I pressed every kiss back harder, and tried not to keep blushing. I was giddy as fuck, and he knew that shit too. He already knew what was up. I just wondered if this time around, how we’d make this shit make sense, ‘cause I’ll be damned if I lose him again. I mentally thought about what I was doing, and knew what my next move needed to be.

 **“Yes, baby. I still like nopalitos. Buy me some, I wanna come spend the weekend with you.”** I suggested, and he smiled at me.

 **“What’d you say? You wanna come do what?”** He smirked, and I licked my lips as I flicked his nipple under the shirt he wore.

 **“I saaaaaaid…. I wanna come spend the weekend with you. You gon’ let me? You gon’ lemme wake up next to you and shit? Like we used to? We can stay up all night, just vibing and shit?”** I asked, narrowing my eyes at him. He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed me on the mouth, and I bit down on his bottom lip as I pushed up on my tiptoes and kissed him with just as much intent.

 **“You ain’t have to even ask me that. Just show up. You know where your spot is, babe.”** He asked as I patted his chest, jabbed him in the hip, and he wrapped his arms back around me and lifted me from the ground and hugged me against his chest.

My phone buzzed in between us and I rolled my eyes, knowing who it was.

 **“Gone and eat with ya boy before he pops up,”** He lowered me and I sighed softly as I nodded, and kissed him again.

 **“You right, you right…. I’ma call you later. I love you.”** I swallowed softly as he gripped my ass and kissed me again, and smiled down at me.

**“I love you too, make sure you do that.”**

**“I will.”** I promised, and one of us had to separate first, or we’d be in this fucking parking lot all night.

He pushed me forward a little for the second time in our short time of being together and I exhaled hard and tried to fix my face, but I couldn’t. He watched me get into my car and I frowned as I watched him go in the opposite direction back to the street, and I cursed, then started whining in the driver’s seat since I was finally alone.

 **“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,”** I groaned as I checked where Michael was, and I knew good and gotdamned well I wasn’t five minutes away, but I knew I could get there in five.

 **KC** | yo, I’m on my way. Five minutes.

I sent Mike a text and gnawed on my bottom lip as I circled out and made sure I watched Chris pull off, and he honked at me as we went our separate ways. I sighed again as he peeled off ahead of me.

I’m fucked up, man.

I feel like I’m not processing this like I want to, in a way that makes sense. It doesn’t really have to make sense to anyone but me, but at the same time, I want to play an important role in what’s going on here. I just really put _us_ out there. I didn’t even feel weird about doing it, and it felt as natural as anything else I had done. I even _willingly_ let other people into our mix, and that was getting to me too.

To top it all off, I had just had sex with him, on some consensual, _we knew we couldn’t wait anyway,_ type shit. We probably weren’t even going to even _go there_ initially, but that’s just how we are when we’re around each other. It’s not the only thing I’m really processing, but I can still fucking feel his hands _everywhere._ It was definitely going to take longer than I thought for me to feel comfortable with this arrangement that we had yet to sit down and discuss as three adults.

I honestly wasn’t doing shit but deflecting from Michael, making the situation worse by wanting to fill my time and reconnect with Chris, and in the meantime, eventually, sooner than later, I’d have to really decide on what the _fuck_ to do with Donald.

It was all I had been thinking about for the last couple of hours, y’know, after I pulled myself out of that post-sex haze, and everything was starting to make sense. My team continued to slide in and out of my inboxes and on my line, still, wanting to know things that I couldn’t vocalize just yet when it came to what they’d just experienced, and I didn’t know where to even start.

It really wasn’t hard to say, he’s back, and they knew who I meant, and that’s what I did to a couple of people. It was that easy for some, but not for everyone else. Once I finally separated myself from people talking shit about what I was doing with my life and who I was doing it with, I realized that I honestly had no idea what the fuck I was doing.

I knew this was a situation that many women often dealt with, y’know, juggling multiple men, and this honestly wasn’t something I was new to, at least not between Michael and Chris. I still didn’t know how to handle it, just like I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing back in ‘08. If they wanted to criticize me for something, it should be _that._ I didn’t know what was going to come next with all of this. I was still trying to process it, and be an adult about it.

Ultimately though, I was fucking terrified.

The main thing was, we finally talked. Finally. I talked way more than he did, but I know he’ll have his time whenever he’s ready. So, without much issue and a better understanding being fleshed out, I figured, we’re off to a good start. What’s the worst that could happen?

I could feel conflicted as fuck, and I _did._

God, did I...

Oliver’s timeline popped back up in my head, and I knew once I made it back to the office, I’d be doing some editing and updating of my own. Maybe it’d come into handy later. The day after that reunion, we went to lunch and he finally got to talk to our kid, and my heart fucking exploded. Not to mention, all of the flirting, and all of the we promises made made me feel like there could be hope with this, even though I wasn’t going to be naive about it. To top it off, we spent time with _his other daughter_ and I’ve been in shambles since.

There are things that I usually don’t think about, or hadn’t allowed to cross my mind in a while that have just started to resurface too, and I don’t like it. They’re all I can think about now as my thoughts race while I keep driving to link up with Mike. They’re vicious, victimizing, fucked up thoughts about placement, the how the fuck comes and why the fuck didn’ts that I usually don’t bother with, and they’re just _there._

Mainly, because how Donald’s interacting with me on screen flipped the jealous nigga switch on. We’re going to fight, I know this. Him being jealous earlier and taking that shit out on me sexually wasn’t new either, but now that I was older and we had other shit to deal with on top of that, I don’t want to operate like that going forward. It’s not healthy, and I’ma make sure I be very clear about that. I’m not concerned about us falling back into each other like we did, ‘cause I know it’s going to be unavoidable too, and when it happens, hopefully it’ll be an issue I figure out how to maintain for the last time.

But, when we’re not fighting or wading through several years of angst, we’re reconnecting. And we’re touchy. And, it feels amazing. And, I should feel bad about how easy it all is, but, there’s a little nagging voice in the back of my head that I’ll have to address eventually, because this isn’t a _choice_ anymore, this is a decision.

I don’t have to choose between the two of them anymore. The first time around, when we were all still in our late teens and being equally triflin’ together, oh, hell yeah. But now? No. We’re grown. And, apparently they’ve talked and came up with some sort of plot or plan to not be mad at each other or whatever the _fuck_ that’s all about, so, I’m hoping this will be easier.

Part of me is starting to wonder if that was ever going to be the case, though.

I’m also not totally convinced on whose feelings are meant to be spared by the three of us working this open relationship, polygamous thing out either. Whenever I sat back and thought about it for too long, it became a little uncomfortable.

I wasn’t uncomfortable because I couldn’t see the future, or because I was trying to mentally prepare myself for the point when the summer progressed and the world would see us together, with a kid, and eventually, the three of us, and want answers. I wasn’t uncomfortable to the point to where I didn’t want to willingly participate in the situation either.

Although I agreed to _try this out,_ I wasn’t sure on how things were supposed to go in terms of boundaries, and I had been spitting this game for nearly a week now. As much as I preached about them, did we really need them? I didn’t want to move too fast. I didn’t want to fall for his shit. But, we had history - this was my first love, the man who took my virginity, the father of my child, so what the fuck was I so worried about?

At the same time though, it’s another layer for us. We haven’t talked, we’re just going off of pure reaction, and it’s not a bad thing. It’s just another adjustment. I want Chris to know us being together… getting back together… starting over, whatever we’re going to call it, is definitely going to be an adjustment that goes beyond us both wanting to fuck each other’s brains out like we’re not both being active parents. I just have to figure out how to express that.

Things are moving quick to get to some sort of resolution between the three of us.

I’m assuming it’s moving as fast as it is before we’re all over the place, and things are a bit harder for us to manage. It’s just… weird. It’s like I’m playing catch up with Chris, and Mike is just waiting for something to happen. Plus, I like I said, still haven’t totally cut Don off yet. I don’t know when he’s going to step in, and how long I’m going to be able to do what I feel, and it’s a lot to process. I haven’t even addressed my feelings about it.

I’m just going for it.

When we were in front of each other, you could tell I was a different person around Chris. The same could be said for him, and when we were alone, it was like we never parted, and _that_ was fucking _terrifying._ How long did he also want the things that I always wanted out of him?

I guess I’d learn sooner than later.

….

 **“Damn, c’mere, I didn’t think you’d even text me back.”** I finally caught up with Michael, and we wound up in Valley Village at AJ’s.

 **“Shut up. I told you I was coming,”** I leaned against Michael’s hood as I stepped in between his legs and he pecked me softly on the lips, and looked down at me.

No matter what I tried to do though, I couldn’t fix my face as I looked at him, and tried to steel my emotions to focus on him, and nothing else. He made me step back and looked at what  had on, and then scoffed a little as I shook my head, not even opting to comment on it.

 **“You good?”** He asked just as softly, and I nodded.

 **“I’m good. I’m just hungry as fuck,”** I swallowed softly and he looked at me with his eyebrow up. His finger wiped at my eye, and his head tilted a little.

 **“You been crying? Your mascara smudged,”** He inquired as I pressed my lips together and pulled my phone out of the shorts I wore, and caught a good look at my face.  

Fuck. I did furiously wipe away a few tears on the speed demon drive over here. I didn’t even think to fix that. I attempted to reapply it quickly and looked back into the phone’s camera, then back at him.

 **“You good,”** He smiled as I licked my lips slowly, and he raised his eyebrow at me.

 **“I ordered your food for you too, by the way.”** He insisted as he looped his hand around mine, and we got off of the hood.

I softly kissed his cheek as he wrapped his arm around me, and we sat back down at a table that was already waiting with a number for us. He wasn’t saying anything to me though, not really, and it made me suck my teeth softly. He was acting as if he was aggravated or annoyed by something, and I wasn’t sure why, or didn’t even want to start to ask why, really. I just kept watching and looking, wondering what the issue was.

Seconds later we were being served, and I pressed my lips together as I waited to see what he had got, and what was meant to be for me. I figured we could eat, probably get more food if it wasn’t enough, or he was as hungry as I was, and then we could talk about the situation.

**“Nachos, wings, queso with chorizo and pico, fried chicken sandwich, and potato salad… I’ll be back with your drinks, and napkins. Could I get you anything else?”**

**“Can I get a hot link platter with tots?”** I requested with a smile, and my waitress nodded and left us alone.

I watched all of the food get sat down on the table, and as soon as it was flat, I took the platter with the chicken sandwich and the potato salad on it and pulled it my way. I put potato salad on my chicken sandwich, and spooned queso on top of it, and moaned after I finished chewing. Michael raised his eyebrow at me as I sat it back down, and looked at him as I took one of his nachos.

 **“Huh.”** He looked at me, and I raised my eyebrow.

 **“Wuh.”** I swallowed my food, and he chuckled softly.

 **“You been fuckin’ today, huh?”** He asked, and I was glad I swallowed my food, because I almost choked.

 **“Oh whoa, whoa… whoa…”** I craned my neck at him, and looked down at my food, and then back up at him. **“Whoa, why you say that?”**

 **“You only eat like** **_that_ ** **when you’re pregnant, or you just got done fuckin’, so, whussup? Where you been?”** He inquired, and I sucked my teeth as I bit into my sandwich again.

 **“You know where I been,”** I paid attention to my food as Michael scoffed again, and pressed his lips together.

 **“With Chris.”** He added, and I rubbed my nose as I looked at him.

 **“He was there, and you knew that. I’m guessing you been on IG too, huh? I texted you when he came and you left me on read.”** I swallowed again and looked at him, and he sucked his teeth right back at me.

 **“You got something stuck in your teeth or something over there? Chill.”** I exhaled, and he side-eyed me.

 **“I don’t like the energy at this table right now. So, if you got something to say or ask, please, put that shit out there. You know me and you don’t even operate like this, so, I don’t understand why we both even sound and look the way we do.”** I glared at him as my second order came, and was sat down on the table. I moved my food to the other tray and doubled them up as I continued looking at him, and waited on him to say something.

He didn’t, so we just sat there, eating in silence. I knew he was going to start acting stupid eventually. We’ve spent a helluva lot of time apart in the last week, but I feel like it’s timely though. I need the break from what’s about to be another long absence between us, which is something I feel like I honestly should be used to at this point, but I’m not. It’s different now.

Mike has so much shit lined up in the next couple of months, I don’t know when we’ll have a break. Weekends won’t cut it. I know it’s the life he leads, and in due time, I’ll be admittedly just as busy, but it’s ridiculous how long I’m going to be alone, again.

Or will I? I guess I won’t, anymore.

I don’t want to think about it, and I know the whole reason for us being out here was to spend some time together. We did, for the first couple of weeks. We didn’t leave that damned house for much of anything, until the Day Party. He _still_ wound up in the midst of more meetings and calls than either of us expected, and as soon as I got into work mode my damned self, _finally,_ just got a little… this is how shit all pops off?

I knew I was right when I suggested I snatch this weekend away from Chris by being next to him through the whole damned thing. Maybe this is right on time, instead of a set up. ‘Cause if we kept arguing, I knew it wasn’t gon’ be a damned thing good that came out of it.

 **“Now are you assuming that I had sex today, or what? I can’t just be hungry?”** I asked, and he shook his head.

 **“It ain’t even that off top. I know how you get. I know you well. I know you ain’t leave out the house in that. I know that’s some shit straight from Ju’s office. I did see the IG post and I know he ain’t just pop up in ‘08 wear either, and your face was just content as fuck. I know the post fuck face. Don’t play with me.”** He explained, and I sat back defensively in my seat and looked at him with my eyebrow up, and knee shaking.

 **“Why you sound pissed off about it though? Were you not just tryna push this shit on me the other day?”** I sipped my forgotten lemonade and narrowed my eyes at him as I ate a few of my tots, and knew I wasn’t going to be sitting here for too much longer.

**“I been tryna link up with you all day, and you been blowing me off. And, now to see that you’ve been blowing me off so you can go fuck him, it’s like -”**

**“Michael,”** I steadied my bouncing knee for second as I scooted up to the table again and tilted my head at him. **“Shut the fuck up.”**

**“Why I-”**

**“Shut the fuck up, forreal. ‘Cause you already know what’s good, and I don’t know why you’re acting like you are. What the fuck have you been reading or listening to? Because you usually have so much more sense than this dumbass outlook you have right now. And to be honest,  I could just shake, really,”** I sipped my lemonade and retrieved my phone, and looked up at him as I went through my text thread and open Chris’ texts.

 **“I wanted to spend the weekend with him anyway. Reconnect and get a bunch of shit out of the way, then I figured we could come back to talk like adults, but, you wanna act like an ass right now, so… shit, it’s Thursday. I could have a very long weekend.”** I bit into my food again, still hungry, and glared back up at him.

 **“You gon’ do wha’ you wanna do anyway, so who am I to stop you?”** He asked, and I scoffed as I looked at him, and pushed away from the table.

**“You know what, you right, you’re definitely right. Ion’ know what the fuck you’re on today though, but I know one thing, I’ma let you figure it the fuck out. I’ll see you Monday.”**


	13. go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Go) go, go, go, go, go and on the count of three  
> (Go) go, go, go, go, go and on the count of three  
> (Go) go, go, go, go, go, go  
> And on the count of three everybody run back to your fantasy, now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these chapters are long, like... +25 pages plus long. so, I might just add twice a week if it's gonna be like this. thanks for reading :)

12 | Go

 **Celeste** | Momma there’s eight days until you come and I’m so e x c i t e d!!!!!

 **KC** | Awww Star, I’m excited too! I think I’m more excited than you, actually... I love you!

I couldn’t honestly tell you how easy it was for me to fake that. I guess it’s only as easy as it is because she can’t actually see me. Cause if she could, she immediately ask what was wrong, or who she had to fight, like she's not a damned baby.

I’ve been basically sitting in the car for the last twenty minutes, still very pissed off at Michael, and I don’t want to talk about it while I feel the way that I do. I appreciate Celeste’s distraction though, because it stops me from frowning so hard that it makes my nose burn.

This is fucking stupid, really.

I was still sitting here, just… trying to figure out what the fuck to do. I always pull myself together in hindsight. I’m not like this, often. I’m not the one who just gets up, and walk away. I’m not the one who shuts down. I’m just beating myself up over it, now. I didn’t ask the important questions. I didn’t try and make it make sense. I didn’t ask what the fuck was wrong, what the fuck was up… I didn’t push.

We don’t fall apart too often. but, usually, I’m always the first one to talk.

I’m always the one trying to get to the root of the issue, but in this situation… in a sense, we’re both to blame. I’ve always been nothing less than transparent about my feelings with it comes to Chris. Michael knows for a fact that there’s something about us that fucking guts me to the core when we were apart, and when we get back together, there are things we just have to _do_ before things flow smoothly. He’s seen me in action with this behavior before. Nothing about this is new. I’ve left him in the middle of the fucking night to just _go,_ like, literally rolled the fuck away from underneath him and just… left.

Not because I didn’t want to still figure shit out with him. Not because there was nothing stopping me from staying exactly where I was. Not because, there were things we needed to make work, but because just I just always knew…

Just like he always knew. We’re it for each other. And, I don’t know what that means for anything going forward. I don’t know if I need to step back from the situation, but I know what I’m going to continue to do. I feel it in every fucking cell inside of my body right now that has me driving when I didn’t even want to leave him sitting there.

I’m gonna go.

I don’t like it. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know what was the cause of it - earlier, previously, all he was pushing was us to reconnect. What did he think would happen? How did he think I would end up? How _we_ would function? I don’t know what to really do to even get to the root of the issue other than to just _go._

Chris was still thinking about me though. Once it started, it didn’t stop. To be totally honest, I’m sure it never did. I can’t act like we didn’t impact each other in a way in which things got to just be too much, too fucking much, we knew to step back from each other before things got bad. I wasn’t trying to think about when shit got bad, though. He liked some older Instagram photos, and I shook my head gently. I knew it wasn’t going to take long before he was texting or FaceTiming me.

I chuckled softly and shook my head as I opened Instagram up as the notifications kept rolling in. A couple of _Kacestopher fan pages_ had popped up within the last few days and were all over the post from earlier, and I shook my head softly as I gave in and commented myself.

 **kaciedevaughn** : … and this is a reminder that 19 year old me pulled up ready, always. 29 year old me said unlock the door, here i come lol <3

I know it won’t take long before he sees that, and I’m honestly debating if I wanna go back to where he is. I think I will, though.Before I knew it, I was back in the same CVS parking lot that had me thinking about shit a few days ago. I parked and got out this time though, and sighed as I walked in, grabbed a basket, and did another thing I was really good at - I went for broke. No plans, no nothing, just….went. Chris taught me the importance and the freedom of being able to do that when you felt like you had no other options, and I swear that’s where I was right now.

 **KC** | what if the weekend started now?

I winced gently as I walked further into the too bright store with the ugly ass grey carpet, and waited for him to text me back. I can’t lie. I’m still fucked up about the whole day. My eyes closed briefly as it replayed, and I clucked my tongue as soon as my phone buzzed in my hand. I missed him and my mind was starting to just reroute shit, making everything that wasn’t working on us a complication, and was it?

Was it really a complication, or was I just making shit complicated? Was I gon’ figure some shit out? Was I out of it? Fuck yeah, I was… absolutely.

 **Chris |** WTF… not that I’m complaining, but what’s wrong? What happened?

 **KC** | Green eyed monster and I don’t mean fenty. Don’t matter though.

He’s acting fucking stupid and we argued, so I’m good.

I wanna call but just gimme twenty. I’m on my way in a min.

He responded with a heart emoji, and I tucked my phone back into the shorts and kept moving forward. I exhaled softly as I walked down aisles, gathering things on autopilot. My favorite body wash. Lotion. Gum. Baby wipes. Deodorant. A fuckin’ bonnet. Mouthwash. Travel toothbrush. Always wipes. I rolled my eyes at myself as I walked down the aisles and grabbed other things of importance, and clicked my tongue as I looked down into the basket.

I haven’t had to finesse a hoe bag in _years_.

I grabbed water, chocolates, and even doubled back through the aisles and grabbed him some of the same strawberry cheesecake ice cream he’d been eating earlier, but then, it wasn’t enough. I pursed my lips and sighed as I grabbed some more shit to round the basket out, just shit to get me through, and walked to a self checkout kiosk. Great part about the _now,_ I was able to avoid and ignore anybody who would stop me in the process of what I was doing and just get back out of here as my plan formed.

When I stepped back outside, I took a deep breath and knew I had to make one more stop before I was good. I was driving on autopilot as I made it to the Ralph’s closest to him, and caught eyebrow up looks from two people once I got into the store, but brushed it off.

I grabbed an actual cart this time, and sighed softly as I grabbed items to make an actual cheesecake, I was going to want breakfast in the morning most definitely, so, breakfast foods… maybe we could eat hot wings later? Chicken, vinegar, an assortment of peppers… Texas Pete because he _still_ loves this shit, hmmm… did I wanna make fries or was that doing too much?

Fuck it, I always do too much.

I grabbed two types of potatoes and was in a significantly better mood as I looped around the aisles and grabbed items to make Ranch, Blue Cheese dressing, and an assortment of salad items. I grabbed a bunch of fruits, hovered around the toiletries again and pressed my lips together as I grabbed another kind of lotion, which ended up becoming a mini hair haul, and even grabbed a pack of Benedryl.

 **“Bitch, Cuervo on sale?”** I questioned to myself as I pushed closer to the aisles.

Did I wanna be drunk? I don’t know, but, Cuervo was like ten bucks a bottle, so I grabbed three and chuckled to myself. Now was just bullshitting, and I knew I needed to get the fuck out of here. Getting to the checkout aisles didn’t seem like too much of a hassle until I saw the row of checkout magazines, and some girl staring back at me a few feet away, who wanted my attention.

I pressed my lips together at the sight of my face staring back at me in the aisle as I checked out, and shook my head. I don’t even remember a majority of the places I end up being photographed at, so I actually picked it up, and tried to figure out all of the _wheres_ and _whens_ that went along with the picture, and not so much the story attached to it.

I checked out, whistled lowly at how much money I was just gunning through, and pushed my cart back to my car. Chris had called twice, but I texted him back, and told him I was on the way. Next week was going to be a lot, but I just wanted to focus on the weekend, the _long weekend_ for now.

I checked my phone again. Michael still hasn’t called. I’ma let him chill the fuck out though.

I don’t know if I necessarily want to pop back up at the office to finish the watch through, but maybe it’ll help me take my mind off of being pissed off with him. In the past when we _did_ find ourselves getting into it because of Chris, the one thing I often tended to do was go right to him - but vice versa too, and they both knew that.

Being older though, I don’t necessarily think it’ll be that smart to operate like that, but it’s not even being petty. It’s making shit make sense, or, at least that’s how I see it. Why not get the shit out of my system while I can? While I should? While it’s the right time to do it, while we’re still trying to make the situation make sense? I had to keep moving forward with business as usual though, no matter where I was. I definitely wasn’t going to let them niggas come in the middle of my work.

I shot Oliver a text to arrange meetings with my returning writers for a brainstorming session, and I also had him arrange a meet up with some of the pre-production crew as well. It started raining as I started towards the house though, and it made me press my lips together as it ended up being _a storm,_ and not just fucking rain that would pass us by soon. We needed some relief anyway though, so hopefully it didn’t.

I wasn’t doing anything in particular since Oliver texted me back immediately and told me that the interview and outdoor photoshoot I had been scheduled to do for Complex Magazine had been cancelled due to the rain. It was supposed to rain until Friday, so, Friday would be the day. That was fine. I asked him to shoot my back a loose schedule so I could plan around not doing shit when I was free, and he told me to check my email in twenty, and that’s why I loved him.

Michael still hadn’t called. I need to quit fucking checking my phone and just let him process his emotions like I’m doing, but I _know_ what he’s doing, ten times out of ten, and if he is, I promise I ain’t even gon’ feel no kinda way about it if it’s confirmed that it is.

I wondered who he’d been talking to, ‘cause other people’s input usually was the one thing that swayed his mood and got him to thinking about other scenarios that wasn’t aligning with the tunnel vision he had about whatever the situation was before. When they started pushing forward with the possibilities of the situations he got himself into, not even situations that even involved our relationships, he stressed over the pros and the cons. He took the shit _seriously_ and needed space until it made sense again in his head, despite what he thought was going to work out so easily.

In a sense, this was a good thing though, ‘cause initially, I didn’t see this working out and knew he was solely going on the basis that he wanted a blended family, and Chris needed to be in Celeste’s life. He wasn’t focused too much on _our_ future, but I wasn’t going to overthink that, nor what I was about to do though. I needed an emotional and mental break from this whole thing anyway. I just needed to stop fucking thinking about it, and turn that whole section of my thoughts the fuck off, forreal.

Fuck Michael’s dumbass attitude, fuck people who were still trying to be nosey about us, fuck anyone and everything that was just pressing me about this whole thing, ‘cause I knew it wasn’t going to be the first or the last time we’d end up _here._

 **Chris |** It’s raining hard as fuck Kace. And considering he’s not answering my texts I’ma assume he’s really pissed. Fuck him. What can I do to make you comfortable?

 **KC** | Don’t be surprised at the fact that I’m coming with groceries so we can cook and not just go get food. But, idk? We can watch movies or something.. You have me until Monday, so, yeh. Make that shit majestical, gimme candles, blankets, the works, thennnn…. I should be good. lol

 **Chris** | Monday, huh? Say less. You know I got you, be safe and bring your ass.

I had to tell myself not to speed because of the rain, but I thought about it. Pulling up to the house had me nervous though, as _soon_ as I hit Riconia, I was scrunching up my damned face. I’d made it out of the Hollywood Hills spot we had together, and those walls had way more memories than this spot he had told me about in Tarzana that he was intending on buying though.

The Hills were an absolutely different set of situations and people we had to deal with between us then, and who we were now. That was a fuckin’ sea of memories between us, but I knew before we closed out here, we could make a couple of more. I looked around as I smiled at it though, and all of the stairs worth climbing.

It had seen an expansion and a bunch of chaos since I’d left, a couple of break-ins, and bitches who thought they could play house. From the Facetimes we’d recently had, I knew that he put more artwork on the walls, ceilings, and wherever he could, and there were more things for us to play with than I’d ever know what to do with. I’d never get bored here. Celeste would never go to sleep. When we made the move, it would be good as fuck to just build off of that.

I missed it here.

 **“I wish this nigga would really paint over this big fuckin’ shit though,”** I said to myself as I saw the angry little monsters staring back at me, and I shook my head at it.

As I pulled into the driveway, I was hype as I got out, and I couldn’t explain _why,_ I just… was. Maybe because the setting was different. After today, I knew while we were alone, we’d be at ease together We established that, so that made me feel a little better. I’d be comfortable and open, unlike me tryna ‘act right’ in public settings. I couldn’t even _act right_ at the office though, so, that meant nothing.

This was different though, because despite all of the shit that had happened after my absence and prior to it, this was _home,_ this wasn’t the sidewalk on Figueroa, this wasn’t a tiny table at The Parlor, nor was it the office, so I was about to just space out, but in a good way. He was waiting on me, standing in the doorway in a blue Black Pyramid tank top and some cut off sweats, and I licked my lips as I parked, anxious to get right to him.

Despite where my head wanted to take me, I had to truly appreciate the fact that if there was anything wrong with me, he knew how to get me to calm down, be okay, and would be right next to me to help me fix what was wrong if he could. We at least kept up with that, which was I super thankful for at the moment.

Then, on the other hand? He was fine, still. Fine as fuck, and I probably wasn’t going to be able to focus on much but that, for a while. I knew I wasn’t coming here for just for physical interaction throughout the _long weekend_ , but I couldn’t front. I was going to get as much of it out of him as he’d let me. My mind was all over the place, but I knew _that_ was something I couldn’t keep denying, and two, I needed to get it _all_ out of my system, or balance everything out, so I could get my head on straight.

 **“Is that my baby about to get drenched?”** He questioned as he stuck out an umbrella as he stepped down a few stairs, and met me in the middle.

 **“Fuck yes, and you just gonna let me get drenched, motherfucker?”** I darted out of the rain and ran towards him, and jumped up on him once I got close enough to do so.

 **“Yo, I did not expect to get wet,”** I whined as he chuckled and pursed his lips at my comment.

I had lived here for four years before I left him. I wasn’t going to forget this layout, the art, the three flights of stairs I’d taken several drunken tumbles on as we walked up them, or _any_ of this, really. I missed it here. He lit it up for me too, and he knew that I liked that if we kept the lights on, it looked like a giant ass arcade from the outside.

I felt like I was on top of the world when we got this. But, I know there’ll be bigger things going forward that’ll make this seem like child play to us. As we made it in, we were looking at each other and I was really trying to make the best of just being where I was. He just stood there though, still not going inside, just looking at me. I was amused by this and narrowed my eyes at him, wondering what the hold up was.

 **“You gotta help me get the bags though, so, move please,”** I bumped him as he put the umbrella down and picked me up.

 **“Let me get in the houseeeee, damn,”** I laughed as he shook his head, determined to keep me soaked apparently.

He finally did, and I shook my head softly as I watched him go back to my car and get the bags out of the trunk, and I cursed softly as I watched him load his arms up and dart back into the foyer. He sat the bags down as I looked at him, and he exhaled softly.

 **“You know I could have helped, right?”** I asked as he shrugged me off, and looked at me.

 **“That’s okay, babe. You know I got this.”** He held up his arms and flexed them and I laughed softly as I smacked his arms down and pressed my head against his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly, and I groaned softly against him.

I kissed him hard, and he hummed low in his throat as we pulled apart, and he initiated the next one. We stopped standing in one place after a while, and we divided the bags as we walked towards the kitchen, with him leading like I’d never been here before. We moved down hallways filled with new art that I hadn’t seen before, and the display he always wanted: a car, in the middle of the open space he had no idea how to fill. I just shook my head at all of the things he _did_ change while I wasn’t able to stop him, and I was looking at though was making me laugh as I shook my head.

I knew there was going to be many of conversations to come about ’why you put this in here like this?’ before he let me switch things up. Decorating had been _my thing_ but we compromised on a lot of stuff, and there were things he kept and things that definitely had been replaced with something else. There were still cartoon characters with monsterous fangs everywhere though; _that,_ hadn’t changed. It was a lot to take in that had changed, but more than hadn’t, and that made me smile.

 **“Huh. You ain’t really changed as much as I thought you would,”** I admitted as I followed closely behind him.

 **“I hope you know I’m finna switch it up, though.”** I insisted, as he laughed.

 **“I knew you would say somethin’ like that as soon as you finally came back home. It’s all good. You know I appreciate your creative input.”** He said, still too far away from me to grab, and I didn’t like that. I situated the bags on the counter, and rolled my eyes gently at his back.

 **“Slow down, damn, long legs.”** I exhaled, and took a few strides over to him.

Once I was close enough, I tugged on his shirt with my eyebrow up. He stopped moving and threw his hands up before I tugged at his shirt again, and pulled him into a soft kiss.

 **“Whatever, shawty.”** He teased before picked me up again, carrying me into the living room. He sat me down on one of the giant bean bags, and smiled down at me.

I stretched out and nearly got swallowed by it, but recovered nicely enough. This was one of our worst impulse buys ever, but at least he still knows which one is mine. I ran my fingers across the velvet material as I adjusted myself to sit upright, and rolled my eyes softly at him.

 **“You been fuckin’ hoes on my beanbag?”** I raised my eyebrow as he scoffed slightly.

 **“No, I ain’t been fuckin’ hoes on your beanbag,”** He sucked his teeth as I rolled my eyes and watched him exaggerate as he mocked me softly and then gesture towards me.

 **“Do not make that face at me, Kacie Jaylin.”** I watched him dig into his pocket and pull out a pair of keys, and dangled them over my head.

 **“Anyway… I made you some new keys,”** He announced as he swung them around on one of his fingers, and I smiled at him as I grabbed them, and I pocketed them.

**“’Cause I’m pretty sure you threw yours into the East River like you always said you would.”**

**“You remember my threat, wow.”** I laughed softly as I nodded and wrapped my hands around him, pulling him closer to me again.

My legs opened for him to fill the space as he fit perfectly on top of me, and I inhaled him hard as I nuzzled my nose against the side of his neck. He smelled so fucking good, and my back arched a lil’ bit as I smiled at him.

 **“But actually, I tossed them in the Chicago River. Close enough, though. You thought I was bullshittin’?”** I asked as he started to rub my thighs, and shook his head no.

**“If there’s anything I learned, I know you definitely do what you say you will.”**

**“You’re absolutely right. Never forget that.”** I giggled as he nipped my bottom lip, and wrapped his arms around my back to hold me close to him.

 **“Hmm, I won’t.”** He responded as he kissed me again, and I tilted my head back and sighed into his mouth.

 **“You better not,”** I teased, and he winked.

 **“Trust me, I’m way smarter now. C’mon.”** I cheesed as he took my hands as I stretched then out, and he pulled me up to stand on my feet again.

I followed him closely, with his hand clutching mine, and we went over into the kitchen. I sighed softly as he watched me slowly begin unpacking the bags. Feeling his eyes on me now felt different. He was just observing, watching me, not letting me out of his sight, but that was simply because I wasn’t going anywhere. We would definitely have more moments like _this,_ y’know, just in front of each other, looking at each other… knowing that the other person wasn’t going to be out of our sight, any time soon.

But as the admiration turned into contemplation, I could tell he wanted to know what was going on, and I just eyeballed him, waiting on him to ask me whatever was on his mind.

 **“So…you know I’m curious. What the fuck happened in between us leaving the parking lot together, and you ending up here, right now?”** Chris asked as I and shook my head softly.

 **“I honestly don’t know. He had been constantly calling and texting me, which he never does when he’s on set, ‘cause he usually doesn’t have the time to do it. So, that was one that thing that had me raising my eyebrows. Then, he was rushing me, which he also doesn’t do, and that pissed me off a lil’ bit.”** I rolled my eyes as I replayed everything, and pressed my lips together.

 **“When we finally linked up, I was pretty much done before we even started. He was trying to point out little shit, and was argumentative. Dumb shit too, like he definitely knows we fucked because he was quick to point out the fact that I was eating like I hadn’t had shit all day. Was I supposed to lie about the shit? I don’t understand what the fuck he thinks will happen, or how he wants shit to work out, but what the fuck am I supposed to do?”** I asked, frowning as I tried not to get too pissed off about the whole thing, and sighed as I shrugged.

 **“Like, I won’t lie to you, we’re good as fuck when we can just talk and figure shit out. We don’t do the petty, stupid shit. But, when we do argue, one of us is really** **_pissed,_ ** **and usually it’s a ledge we can talk the other off of, but...”** I shook my head. I didn’t want to cry about the shit. I wasn’t going to, either.

 **“I guess we found our reason to really be stupid about the situation. Is it an ego thing? Or, what the fuck ever? I mean... I don’t know. I’m not trying to be dismissive about his feelings about the situation, but someone has to be telling him shit in his ear, y’know? Somebody is telling him stupid shit that just makes his idea of whatever the fuck y’all have been plotting on seem like one of the last viable outcomes of the whole thing.”** I sucked my teeth softly as he stepped next to me and started dividing the bags up as well.

 **“Have y’all sat down and talked about that?”** He asked, and I shook my head no.

 **“Briefly, after I came back from Bossa Nova witchu. Then again that same night when we were drunk as fuck, so, briefly. Like, he tried to make it all about harmony and shit working out good then, even while he was drunk, he was pushing that the shit could be good. He even wants to go out together, y’know, like, he really wants us to all just be good, but how in the fuck is that gonna happen when me and you can’t even… just be, without him stressing? He ain’t do all this after we went out and motherfuckers basically outted us, but you come up to the office, and now he wanna act an ass, and I don’t like it.”** I sucked my teeth as he looked at me, and shook his head as well.

 **“I always told you his ego was gon’ be the thing that was gon get his fuckin’ feelings hurt waaaaaay back in ‘08, Kacie.”** Chris insisted as I shook my head.

 **“And I get that. I do.”** I explained, while he looked at me like I didn’t, but I did.

 **“But, it wasn’t a problem before, so I don’t understand what the fuck happened between him being cool with the shit to all of a sudden trying to point out what’s obvious as fuck. He even came at me sideways lowkey when I came home after Froyo, ‘cause you already know… I had to stop myself from going with you. I was fighting all kind of shit up in here, y’know?”** I tapped at my temples and my chest, and exhaled softly as I tried to calm myself down.

 **“I was tryna debate if we needed boundaries between each other, if, this was gonna make sense going forward because this was a choice, and I didn’t have to decide anymore, y’know? Like, what the fuck am I supposed to really do with both of y’all now, knowing that you’re it for me? I can’t make it make sense and I can’t straight up just leave him alone either.”** I shook my head as I started pacing the kitchen floor and he stopped me, and grabbed my hand.

 **“Slow down.”** He softly spoke, holding me in place in front of him.

 **“It just really pissed me off, Chris. Honestly. For y’all to have talked it out, somebody has been playin’ fuckin’ informant, or Devil’s advocate, and putting stupid shit in his ear about it, so maybe whatever progress y’all have worked up to has been ruined.”** I shrugged my shoulders indifferently, and he shook his head.

 **“I doubt it,”** He insisted, and I shrugged my shoulders again.

 **“All I know is, y’all are plotting on me, tryna do some dumb shit y’all think will work, and maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Maybe he thinks it’s gonna be the glue to hold all this shit together. Maybe, it’ll be good that he’s still around and active so all of the shit he’s done so far won’t feel like a waste. We ain’t get that deep, but eventually we will.”** I sucked my teeth softly, and he forced me to stop shrugging, and made me look directly at him until the tension in my shoulders dropped.

 **“I don’t really give a fuck right now, though. I’m not about to stress over it. I’m here with you, and I want to willingly give you your time, even if it’s earlier than I planned. I wanna get out of this shit, shower maybe… you hungry? ‘Cause I got groceries and some more shit,”** I motioned to the Ralph’s bags as he nodded, but moved quickly on me after he let my hand go. He swiveled around the counter and pressed his hands on both sides of me, trapping me there.

 **“If you wanna talk about it, you know I’ll make it make sense if his stupid ass can’t. Even the issues he could be having with the whole thing, aiight? But, if you ain’t tryna think too hard about it, you can go upstairs, shower, and we’ll make the shit make sense later.”** He explained as I licked my bottom lip and looked up at him, trying not to stress about _none_ of this shit.

 **“Monday, right?”** He asked as I nodded, and gripped his sides softly as he held me tightly.

 **“Monday. Let me put the food up first. I’m definitely interested in your opinion about the whole thing, and I ain’t goin’ nowhere.”** I looked up at him, and he smiled down at me before stepping a few feet back, and letting me go.

 **“I’ll do this. You take your stuff from CVS, go upstairs, pick whatever you want to wear, we’ll come back and cook. Then, we can watch movies like you asked, and go from there, what you think?”** He asked as I smiled and nodded softly.

 **“Yeah, sounds like a plan.”** I winked at him, and he kissed me softly before I headed upstairs, leaving him to hang back and handle his.

As much as I wanted to go back into what was once our bedroom to shower, I didn’t. I opted for the neutral bathroom in the hallway between the bedrooms and situated my bag on the counter as I stepped into the bathroom and pulled my hair up in a ponytail. I opened the drawers and instinctively, started looking for shit. They were all empty though, and that made me feel a lil’ bit better about this shit as I closed my eyes briefly and started the shower up.

I lost myself in the fucking shower forreal. I tried not to cry, but I was overwhelmed as fuck and just needed to fuckin’ chill. I talked myself out of it quickly and got myself situated, got out of the shower, and exhaled as I stepped out. We didn’t address the dilemma of what I was gonna wear, the fact that I didn’t have clothes, or anything, but he dropped me a gem that I had to smile at.

A key, and I knew exactly what it was for. I wrapped a towel around me and sighed softly as I walked out of the bathroom and down the hall, and then down the stairs to get back to what I dubbed ‘closet hall’ and unlocked the door that belonged to me. It was just as I’d left it - but cleaner, and that made me smile. I wasn’t gonna comment on the fact that there were all of my things still in here, and there had been things I’d never worn, including a bunch of Black Pyramid shit, and things that were new, like he anticipated me coming back eventually.

I didn’t say anything as I walked through the giant room and sighed softly as I opted to not go through it, ‘cause I’d be in here all night. I had the rest of the week, and all weekend to come in here and see what was in here, so I only made two stops - I grabbed a bra and underwear set and some of the Black Pyramid stuff.

 **“I put the stuff up, but I was wondering if we could cook later? I’m not really hungry, but I grabbed some more junk,”** He insisted as I caught up with him in the hallway, and I nodded softly.

 **“Got you a tea,”** He passed me a Snapple Tea and a bottle of Cuervo, and followed him back upstairs as he smiled at me, but stopped me at the door.

 **“Almost done. Gimme like… two minutes.”** He held his hands out as I rolled my eyes at him, and shifted my weight on my toes.

 **“Chris, you had alllll that motherfuckin’ time with me driving over here, and showering and stuff to still not be ready?”** I pouted, but not in disbelief about it.

 **“I just gotta do like two more things, just… be right back. Don’t move.”** He insisted as he opened the doors and slipped in, and still left me in the hallway.

I sucked my teeth as I stood there, and balanced out a good ratio of tea to tequila as I looked at the hallway ahead. I took a big gulp and winced, and rolled my eyes to follow. We only had three bedrooms in here, so it wasn’t like it was a bunch of spots for me to just up and disappear to. I crossed my arms in a bit of annoyance, but knew when he was up to something, he typically did not disappoint.

Not knowing what he was trying to pull off had me nervous, and a little bit scared, honestly. I couldn’t even rationalize where the fear about the situation came from, but it was gnawing away at me the longer I had to wait. I was impatient as I waited, and shifted my weight from one toe to another.

I didn’t even want to go off and disappear, but I did want to see what had changed in my absence here. I pursed my lips as I silently debated it, and did a lap down the hall. Photos of us had been replaced by paintings, and I wasn’t going to feel any kind of way about it. Two doors down from the master bedroom was my former office though, and I definitely wanted to see what was in there.

I approached it with all intentions to just reclaim the spot, but the door was locked. I furrowed my brow as I jiggled the doorknob again, with my face scrunched up in confusion. We didn’t lock doors often, so I wondered what was in there that he was trying to keep undisturbed. He gave me the key to my closet, but this was still locked?

I didn’t like where my mind was going, but I knew I’d definitely ask later. Impatience was getting the best of me, so I turned back towards the bedroom door and knocked. Another gulp, maybe… three more, since I drink everything like water, and this was gonna be gone. I don’t know what the hell he was doing in there, but he needed to come on...

 **“Open the door Chris, c’mon...”** I knocked on the door as he cracked the door open just slightly, and he shook his head at me.

 **“I’m not ready, hold on, lemme…”** He closed the door back in my face, and I folded my arms across my chest.

 **“I’ma go hooooome,”** I threatened loudly, to which the door opened wider after a pause.

 **“You know damned well that you are home.”** I didn’t have anything to say in response to his line, and it actually made my cheeks warm up as I looked at him.

**“C’mon, I had to get everything together. You’re gonna love it.”**

He was all smiles as he ushered me into a bedroom I hadn’t been in in way too long. It didn’t seem like a day had passed since I was last in here, either. He hadn’t rearranged anything, only added a couch that made me cluck my tongue. Everything else was still here, and really, the only thing missing was my presence, which in my absence, made this room feel a lot more lonelier than I think it was meant to feel like.

I was quiet as I walked into the room, and instead of staring at him, I was staring at my surroundings. He was literally flourishing towards the couch though, and I finally gave into him and smiled. Once I saw his little set up, I had to laugh in a bit of surprise, but it was a welcomed surprise. Surprises had always been either hit or miss with me.

It was dark as fuck in here. It’s possible that he’s going to be a blind ass old man, and he’s not wearing his glasses, so, I hope he can see me. In the five-six-seven minutes since I’d been in here, it wasn’t just raining anymore. It was storming like hell outside now, but he had candles _everywhere,_ so it actually had a nice bit of glowing light popping off in here _._ It was a fucking fire hazard, but, I loved it.

I gripped his hand as he led me into the center of the room, where he had an actual pillow pallet situation setup on the couch. It played nicely against the rolling thunder and lightning show we were getting from the skylight in the ceiling, ’cause he knew one of my favorite things was to lie underneath it and stare up at the sky for hours. He had my favorite candles lit, my favorite blanket spread across the couch, Netflix already queued up on the drop screen, and a smile on his face.

 **“Wow babe,”** I exhaled.

He meekly shrugged and wrapped his hands around my waist, and blanketed me to kiss my cheek. I shifted his mouth towards mine and kissed him hard, and he squeezed me softly. He held my hand and stepped back to look at my reaction, and I was definitely genuinely smiling at him. My smile wasn’t going anywhere as I looked around at what he had pulled off. It probably wasn’t much to others, but to me, this was _everything._

 **“Yoooo, you know what’s really like… got me over here in real awe? This is real awe, by the way, you know that… how the fuck you set this up? You got Clean Linen candles, my favorite blanket,** **_and_ ** **horror movies on deck? You did this for me for real, huh?”** I scoffed softly as he nodded, and then flipped over the back of the couch, and raised his hands to show me a bowl of Candy and Popcorn.

 **“You said, and I quote, make it majestical,”** He mimicked my breathless tone as I circled the couch, and I laughed softly.

 **“Oh, so you’re telling me that I sound like Michael Jackson now?”** I laughed, and he repeated himself, and I rolled my eyes.

 **“I mean, you listened. Not that it’s surprising that you did, but your effort is definitely commendable. It probably would have been not as intimate downstairs in the living room, or outside in the sand, I guess, so, fuck yes. I’m with it. Look at you trying to win me the fuck over,”** I smiled as I sat beside him, which only lasted seconds before I was rearranging myself, throwing my legs over his and draping myself against him as I laid my head on his chest.

**“I’m trying. You weren’t gonna waste any time getting back on top of me, huh?”**

**“Nope.”** I chuckled as he sighed softly, and I squeezed him gently. My comfort was instant as I relaxed, and he wrapped his arm around me, doing the same.

**“So, what are we gonna watch?”**

Silence settled as he stroked my back, and this was all he wanted for real. He wanted to be close, and I understood that. I wanted that too. I was comfortable as fuck myself, and him stroking my back was going to set me up. I was going to be sleep if he kept it up and he knew it. I loved his hands, and remembered just how comforted they made me as I gave into it. They were large, warm, and soft, and this definitely was _home_ to me. I made sure he knew that as they dragged up and down my back.

 **“Mmmmmm, see, now you know damned well I’m not going to watch any movie if you’re gonna be giving me a back rub,”** I sighed softly as he continued, which made him sit up as he continued to run his hands down my entire back.

**“I’m just tryna make sure you’re comfortable, babe.”**

I haven’t been right here where I am for ten damned seconds yet, but he’s already all over me. Honestly, I wouldn’t want things to be any other way. This was perfect. I don’t even think we needed to _do_ anything else. His hands felt amazing as hell, and was a soothing distraction to anything that could be bothering me.

I had the remote in my hand, but I wasn’t doing shit with it. I honestly wasn’t paying too much to the horror selection that Netflix had to offer as opposed to my face being nestled in his lap as I unintentionally started to scoot down.

 **“So, instead of pulling me back up, you dick poke me in the ear?”** I mumbled as he laughed, and pulled me up to straddle him.

 **“You’d probably let me put it in your ear anyway.”** He mused, and I shrugged at the thought.

 **“Not today.”** I teased him, and his eyebrow went up in surprise.

 **“Not today? Bet, I know how I’ma wake you up tomorrow, then…”** My eyes narrowed.

 **“Shut the fuck up,”** I laughed as he shook his head, and started weaving his hand in my hair.

He started talking about how he wanted to record something for me like old times, and I started dramatically humming the opener to _Do Me, Baby,_ and he chuckled.

 **“You would want me to do some Prince shit, but I’m not goin’ there with you. You know Trey** **_still_ ** **won’t play Your Side Of The Bed no more ’cause you slandered his ass, then Prince himself shaded him too? I ain’t doing it.”** He shook his head, and I laughed.

**“I can stomach it if it’s samples though. Y’know, good samples…”**

**“Here we are, in this big ol’ empty room… staring each other down…”** He smiled, and tilted his head back, before yelling, **“Hey Google, play** **_Do Me, Baby_ ** **By Prince!”**

 _“Okay, here’s Do Me, Baby by Prince, now playing on Spotify.”_ I shook my head as the music flowed through the room, and he started singing to me.

 **“Here we are, in this big ol’ empty room… staring each other down,”** He pointed to me, and I shook my head as I smiled at him.

 **“Nuh uhhh,”** I laughed at his falsetto, which turned into a cover of his own.

I buried my face into his neck, never too old to be super turned on by this, and hummed as he sang and he skimmed his fingers down my back. My face was hot as fuck, as was my ears. He never failed to make me blush with the most simplest of things.

 _Do Me, Baby_ faded into something else, which I immediately recognized as _Power Fantastic_ and I bit down on my lip, ’cause this was going to send me somewhere I didn’t want to go just yet. We had all weekend to have way better sex than what happened back at the office, and I wasn’t even trying to stress about that shit on top of everything else. So, I just tried not to move my hips against him as he narrowed his gaze at me, and I pouted.

 **“You’re a lil’ tense. Relax your shoulders, babe.”** His hands started to knead my shoulders and it felt _amazing._ As much as I needed it though, I wasn’t finna let him set me up like this.

 **“I’ma tell you now, don’t get me started...”** I arched my back as his hands really started working on me, and my thighs squeezed his lower body.

 **“I hate how much I missed out on with you, and y’know, like, I don’t want to necessarily jump back into expressing those emotions sexually, but, I know us. Today, we were just being risky as fuck. I know we’re better than that, though… but, I can’t help thinking about it. And, on top of that, I hate how this makes me instantly wanna get naked, like, where is your phone? Turn this shit off.”** I whined as he laughed and shook his head at me.

He didn’t turn it off though, just down, and I hummed the vocals against his chest as I laid my head there again. I finished the rest of the Snapple and he pulled his head back and took the bottle to the head, and pointed onwardly at me.

**“You tryna catch up, huh?”**

**“You know I ain’t gon let you beat me. But, baby, you’re being ridiculous.”** He insisted as I pulled back to mimic him, and I buried my face into his neck again as he started to play in my hair.

In the position I was in though, I couldn’t turn _that part_ off. Since I was here, in my favorite spot, I couldn’t help but to kiss his neck, and feel him rock his hips underneath me. I couldn’t get all of this off earlier. I know he was trying to present me with the ideal turn down and chill atmosphere, but it was turning me on. I felt the heat from my liquor hit my face, and I hummed lowly. I already knew what I wanted to do, and I was grown, so, if I wanted to, we would, but… I was weighing my options when it came to being sensical about it.

 **“You’re still just as bad as you used to be after tour separations.”** Chris insisted, and I shook my head.

I was a lil’ worse, really.

In the beginning, after the tours, we’d be locked up in a room or hotel somewhere, have amazing sex if that’s where we were, or find some way to make each other cum anyway, spoil each other with time, and promise that we’d never leave each other’s sides again. He got good at that. He became well versed in how to pop up, blow my fucking mind, and promise that he didn’t want anybody but me.

In the middle; I did it too. I escaped and popped up on him, blew his mind, promised him that I was his, and his only. In the end, we didn’t have to make those same promises. I definitely wasn’t trying to go back there. I wasn’t thinking about how much I knew that was true today. I was just reflecting as I laid where I was, and couldn’t keep my hands or lips off of him at all. It was quiet, we were close, I felt the need to be possessive, and show him that I missed him. We had a lot to make up for, and I missed his kisses for real.

I was already more comfortable than I ever was back when we met up for lunch or was at Jay’s. More comfortable than earlier, when I wanted to show him just _me,_ who I had grown into being. I just wanted to hear his voice, just because I knew this shit was real, and he was here. I just wanted to kiss him, ’cause he was under me, and wouldn’t disappear if I closed my eyes too hard, y’know?

I knew exactly how he felt when we were getting Froyo. I was there, too.

 **“Lil’ worse, actually. I’m backed up,”** I admitted as I pulled back, and his eyebrow went up.

 **“Oh, you’re backed up, huh?”** The liquor took his voice there, slurring, and I hummed in response at his tone.

 **“Ooh, you make it sound nasty as fuck.”** I sighed as he pursed his lips in my direction, and I pressed my lips against his softly, but it wasn’t enough. He ran his fingers down my back and I bit down on my lip at him.

 **“You know that’s not enough.”** He insisted as I flicked my tongue against his, and I sighed into his mouth. He slid his hands up my back, and pushed the kiss deeper as my hips started to grind in his lap.

Pulling back was torture. I _knew_ where we were headed, and I knew how we could be with each other. I wanted nothing fucking more than to fuck him up, y’know, really go for broke, but I had time. That was the good thing. I didn’t have to rush into this.

 **“It’s never enough.. But, I am backed up though, you know what I mean. Been a long ass time since I’ve been able to just climb up here, and now I gotta do that, but convince myself not to ride you like I want to,”** I admitted, and he gave me a look that made me place my head back into the crook of his neck, which I’d already accentuated with red marks.

 **“Don’t fuckin’ look at me like that, either, ’cause you know how we used to be, and you fuckin’ know I mean this shit.”** I narrowed my eyes at him, and he nodded as he licked his lips and I watched his jaw set as he looked at me.

I dropped my head back to his neck, and licked down to his collarbone as it peeked out from his tank. I knew he wasn’t going to let me do it for long, because we both knew I was only doing this so I wouldn’t look directly in his eyes.

 **“Don’t hide. You keep puttin’ ya face against my neck like I don’t wanna look into your eyes since I know I got you started, and you’re going to keep talking to me like that…”** He gently tugged on my hair to pull my head back, and I cursed.

We locked eyes for a minute, and wasn’t no more bullshittin’. I pressed my lips against his, and he deepened the kiss until I was pushing him back down into the arm of the couch, and his hands were cupping my ass.

 **“You missed me, baby?”** He asked, voice deep, in that sleepy, dreamy, _whussup_ assed tone, and  I shook my head gently.

 **“Ain’t nobody around but us now, so tell me.”** I almost fucking came right there as he pressed his forehead against mine, and flicked my lip with his tongue, and gently pushed his way into my mouth.

I rolled my hips against his as we kissed, and things became intense quick. His lips sucked at my neck, then his tongue rediscovered my chin. I wanted him on top of me, and by cue, suddenly he was, pulling my legs to wrap around his waist. I pushed my body up on his a bit more, and then he dipped his tongue in my mouth again. I loved kissing him.

He was right - we didn’t even have to have sex, I could honestly kiss him all day. He never rushed me, was always smooth with everything, but I knew how to get him to break, and he knew how to get me to break too.

Like now, when he lifted my thigh to press us together more, and ran his fingers down the exposed part of my thighs as he pushed my shorts up, but didn’t ask me to get them off. They were bunched up like Daisy Dukes as he rubbed my thighs, but multitasked and distracted me with his mouth at the same time.

He licked a line from my ear to my neck, and gently sucked there as my fingers dug into his back. I needed to feel _more,_ not just press against what was bluntly jabbing between my legs. He hissed lowly as I gently moved my hand between us, trying to stroke him over his sweats.

 **“Damn, you’re hard as fuck,”** I panted out as he nodded, and ran his hand through the back of my hair to pull my head back, giving him more neck access. His hand that had gripped my thigh was pawing away at my core then, trying to rub me out like I was going for him.

He didn’t even have to ask for help as I lifted just a little, and he slid my shorts down to put his hand between my thighs. I had them on for far too long, but I wanted him to get me naked. I loved the way his soft ass hands felt as they slid down my hips and caressed my thighs as he got them off. They ended up on the floor in a heap of blue, right along with my underwear.

I didn’t even protest. I was home. Fuck it.

**“Shit, you’re warm as fuck…”**

_Nasty._ I fucking loved it.

My hips were already swiveling against him as I silently begged for him to do it again with just a swift jut of his chin back towards my mouth, and _fuck._ The second I moaned, I could feel his dick twitching underneath me. I was gripping the fuck out of his shoulder as we rolled our bodies against each other, and I pulled back only when I couldn’t breathe anymore to gently kiss him.

 **“Mmmm, you ain’t gon’ tell me?”** He inquired, and I hissed out another curse at the sound of his voice before kissing him again.

 **“I missed you, baby.”** I meant that shit. I dug my hand into the back of his head, and gently fisted his curls as he hissed softly, which only turned me on more.

We were a mass of shifting hips and smiling faces as we looked at each other, barely saying anything, but being on the same page.

 **“You know I missed you… Did you miss me? Hmm?”** I teased him as I pulled his head back, and he grunted, which didn’t help at all.

**“Tell me.”**

**“You know I missed you. I missed you so fucking much, girl…”** He nipped my bottom lip quickly before I kissed him again, and kept the grip on his curls.

I directed his head to the left and licked his neck before kissing the spot underneath his ear, and he shivered underneath me and sunk into the cushions, just a little.

 **“Fuck, baby,”** He cursed, and I shivered.

 **“Call me baby again.”** I whispered, and he uttered it into my mouth so fucking timely that I arched off of his lap, but he instantly pulled me back down onto him and held me against his chest, and licked from my ear down to my neck again until I was shaking.

 **“Tremblin’ ass…”** He slid his hands down my thighs and rubbed them gently as he cupped my breast and squeezed just a little.

He moved his mouth against the fabric of the sports bra that I had on and but down gently on my nipple, and I hissed as he pulled his arm around my waist and buried his head there, and busied himself with teasing and biting my nipple, and running his hand down my stomach and down my thighs. He slid his fingers between my legs and gently pressed down until they slipped between my folds, and he started to rub circles on my clit as my hips bucked.

 **“Ride my fingers,”** He whispered softly into my mouth as he got my legs open like he wanted them to be, and slipped two inside of me.

 **“I’m grown,”** I insisted as he made me look in his eyes, and slipped his tongue back in my mouth, silencing me. **“I’m grown, please fuck me.”**

**“You’re gonna make me beg to cum though…”**

**“And you will, right?”** He inquired softly as I came without even being penetrated and gasped into his neck.

 **“Ooh fuck,”** He gasped, and I bit down on my lip. I dragged out a curse as he laughed and withdrew his fingers, and pulled them into his mouth.

 **“Scoot back, show me.”** He requested, and I hummed lowly. I shivered as he pressed his back against the couch, and just _looked_ at me. I opened my legs and pushed him back with the tip of my foot, and he gripped my ankle as he laid on top of me, and kissed my lips.

 **“Oh nigga, get the fuck off of me… I swear to** **_God,_ ** **this is how I got pregnant the first time.”** I giggled as he kissed my neck, and went down to my nipple, and my back arched.

 **“Babe! Get the fuck up,”** I hummed lowly as I pulled at his shoulder, trying to get him back level again. He pressed his lips against my lips, my neck, and squeezed my thigh as he wrapped it around him, and grabbed my blanket to cover us.

 **“I’ve been trying to practice restraint, but my dick has been hard since I saw you pull up. And then you wanna kiss all on me, knowing I miss those soft ass kisses, and I don’t want to just… fuck you, y’know? Me and you have never just simply** **_fucked,_ ** **or been fuckin’ for no reason at all, and we’re not about to start now.”** He spoke softly, and I whimpered.

I was starting in that moment to hate the fact that I hadn’t forgotten the kind of power he had over me. My stomach was in knots, I was fucking hot, and I could definitely feel him, still hard, and I had to honestly tell myself, _don’t._ I wanted to be underneath him, with my legs around his fucking back, telling him ain’t no need to pull out for the next two months until I get my next shot.

We stared at each other for a minute before I spoke again.

 **“So, we were never fuckin’? ‘Cause, you know that’s what this is going to come down to first. Especially after earlier, y’know? Everyone’s bringing up how you used to just… snatch ya girl up, all nasty like, y’know? Disappear in a bathroom, come back smilin’ and shit… just telling all our early twenties tea, really.”** I licked my lips slowly, and looked at him.

He tilted his head at my inquiry, and I raised my eyebrow at him, watching his jaw clench.

 **“Don’t look at me like that. I’m asking for the sake of clarity, ’cause you know and I know how stories change as time goes on.”** I rubbed his cheek as I watched his brows scrunch up.

**“Be forreal.”**

**“I’m deadass.”** I licked my lips, and he scoffed at me.

 **“Me and you were** ** _never_** **fuckin’. I never told anybody I was cool with, or was just fucking around with that me and** ** _you_** **were fucking. You’ve always been my baby. You’ve** ** _always_** **been special, you’ve always been my girl,** **and we never** ** _fucked_** **like anyone that might have come after or in-between us** ** _._** **”** He spat it out like it was disrespectful, and I just scoffed.

**“All of the times when we had sex, that wasn’t just because it felt good. That wasn’t just because you were there, and I wanted to get my nut off. It wasn’t because you were throwing it at me. That’s how you treat the ones you’re fucking. Just on some instant gratification shit, and that’s that.”**

I glared at him, and his passionate explanation about the situation, and waited for him to explain how _we_ were different. I wanted to hear it as much as I knew he wanted to preach about it. I offended him, but I wasn’t going to apologize for it though.

 **“What’s so different about me?”** I swallowed softly, with my eyebrow up.

 **“Everything.”** He said plainly, and I pressed my lips together hiding a smile.

 **“With you, it was more than just gratification. It didn’t just feel** **_good,_ ** **that shit felt** **_great,_ ** **shit, sometimes, a couple of times, I got lost in the situation as it was. We were intimate on some real shit, no matter if we had sex with each other or not. I love you, I did not** **_fuck you,_ ** **we made love because I wanted to connect with you…”** Chris continued to explain, and I inhaled sharply and my breath caught in my throat, which made me him lowly.

 **“You were the one that taught me how to make love for real, don’t fuckin’ play with me.”** He put his daddy voice on, and I literally had to get up.

 **“Ooh, my god.”** I shivered.

**“Come back, we were talking.”**

**“I’m hot as fuck,”** I admitted, a lil’ more than just frustrated. I was buzzing now, but I was hot too, and needed to strip. I might as fucking well, considering how he has me walking around in a damp ass bra, underwear, and tank top, and I have no idea where those shorts even landed after he took them off.

I had to move, and circled the couch as he adjusted himself. I just watched, intensely. I took off a layer, slinking out of my tank top for my semi-damp bra alone, and exhaling softly as I waited for him to take something off too.

 **“I always get naked before you. Unless I strip you. Kinda funny.”** I spoke softly, and he hummed at me.

He slouched for a second before pulling off his sweats, but it didn’t surprise me. I wasn’t gonna fight to get to the dick. I wasn’t gon’ have to either, and I was actually into this tango. I narrowed my gaze at him as I watched him sit there in his boxers, and adjusted himself slowly. It was definitely going to be hard for me to forget this imagery. I looked at his thighs, his legs, and the erection he wasn’t trying to hide, and could see myself seriously fucking him up.

 **“C’mere.”** He insisted, crooking his finger to lure me back to him, but he didn’t need to.

I was still standing there though, just _lookin’,_ knowing what I wanted to do.

 **“Kacie Jaylin DeVaughn. Come. Here.”** I hadn’t moved yet, and knew this was a tango of consent.

**“Jesus, I ain’t heard you say my whole name in so motherfuckin’ long…”**

My legs slowly moved and guided me back in front of him. I wanted to strip out of the bra, but at the same time, only if he was going to take what I still had on off for me. I stopped directly in front of him as he looked him at me, with his back against the cushions, and his bottom lip tucked into his mouth, still staring. He was hard as fuck, hard enough to chop cocaine, and all I wanted to do was push his damned boxers off.

 **“Stop staring, and tell me what you want. ’Cause I know you, and I know you didn’t come here early just for this,”** He inquired as I chuckled lowly.

I don’t know if _this_ was being interrogated, being seduced, or knowing him, kidnapped, but I knew what _this_ wasn’t. This wasn’t _enough,_ but I’d figure out a way to change that.

 **“The atmosphere is right. Maybe I did. I feel my liquor, and maybe I wanna squirt on your dick a couple of times and after all those hazy ass sex emotions settle, we can just… be, y’know?”** I admitted as he opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it. It was rare that he was speechless, and all I could do then was lean in gently to press my lips against his.

 **“I shut you the fuck up, huh?”** I teased him, and soon after, squealed as he picked me up, and  flattened me on my back in a move so quickly, we damn near bumped heads.

 **“You always were the one to start fucking with me first,”** He insisted firmly as my eyes rolled. I squealed as he bit my nipple through my sports bra.

**“Your impatient, horny, hype ass.. never let me do shit at my own speed. How you know I ain’t wanna seduce your lil’ ass, huh? Even when we wanted the same thing, you were always tempting me, but I’ma make your ass wait today.”**

I frowned as he tilted his head slightly to challenge me into a response, and pressed his lips against my neck then, until I dug my nails into his shoulder.

 **“We’re basically dry humping like we’re seventeen again, and I know you’re giving me hickies and shit, and you gon’ make** **_me_ ** **wait?”** I asked, and he stopped moving his hips almost instantly.

 **“Fuck yeah, I’ma make you wait.”** He uttered, not convincing me of shit.

 **“Until when?”** I asked him as I raised his tank top and started raking my nails down his bare skin, which I know he loved. He let me get it off, and I glanced knowingly at him.

 **“When, baby?”** I scored his back with my nails again and felt his hips push into mine, and I hummed lowly as I tucked them into the back of his boxers.

 **“Until later.”** He was letting me strip him, and I was blushing at the thought of doing everything I wanted to, ’cause I knew this bullshit he was talking wasn’t gon’ stick.

 **“Can you wait, though?”** I wondered, and he laughed again. Hard thrusts against me made me moan softly, and he smirked.

 **“Fuck no, but I want it to be as perfect as we can pull off. I have plans.”** He insisted, and I hummed softly into his neck. I pulled back just a second to grab the bottle of Cuervo, and take another swig.

**“Do I trust you, and plans, and sex in the same sentence?”**

**“We waited for as long as we could before we had sex for real, so giving me a lil’ more time shouldn’t be too hard. Part of me wants to prove it to myself that I can do this, and the other part wants to… well, I’m pretty sure you could think of some things I’d be doing right now, if the situation was different.”** He insisted, as I laughed.

 **“I could think of a lot of things that would be different, but… yeah. We’re grown and I’m for it. If you’re tryna wait, I gotta respect that. Wouldn’t be the first time, I meannnnn…. the build up we got from trying to wait actually made sex that much more better.”** I thought about it, and shook my head as he looked at me, going down the same damned road.

 **“I mean, I knew since the day we met you would pop off on me, even though your ass kissed me all on my eyeball and shit when I tried to kiss you the first time, but we ain’t gon talk about that,”** He snickered, and I hit him in the back again.

**“Was Tina not there, on yo ass?”**

**“We ain’t talmbout that,”** He insisted, and I felt myself blushing.

 **“You were too smooth back then,”** I reminded him, and he hummed softly.

 **“Could get me to go anywhere and do almost anything you’d ask, and I was always with it, always anxious to get back with you, get back here… especially if it was private and quiet,”** I swallowed softly, and he squeezed me gently.

 **“And you’d have me all over your ass… I used to be so hype for that,”** I smiled, remembering all of this, and he smiled back, showing teeth.

 **“Me too, I ain’t gon’ lie, you had me turned** **_on_ ** **for real, like, all the time… what’d you say? We have wild ass magnetism. Probably why I knew it wasn’t going to be long before I had you like I got you now. Even back then, I just** **_had_ ** **to snatch you up when I could.”** He shook his head, and I rolled my eyes, still smiling. 

**“And every damned time you did, I was nervous. You knew good and gotdamned well you made me nervous. You made me hot as fuck. I couldn’t do what I wanted to do… I wanted to-”** He was smiling wide as fuck, and I grunted in annoyance at his smug, smirky ass.

God, I missed this man.

**“You wanted tooooo…”**

**“Shut up. I just wanted to do whatever I could to be closer, to know you, to know everything about you, you know, like, everything… ’cause I was really falling for you hard, I was in love for real. It didn’t matter where I was, if it had to do with you and I wasn’t there in person, I was all over it. I always felt… still feel, in a way, that I need a part of you around me at all times. I always wanna know what you’re doing and how you are because I care.”** I explained, and he nodded softly.

 **“I ain’t doubt that you still cared. I just know that if things could have gone down differently, we wouldn’t have so much to heal from, but we’ll get there. I feel like a lot of stuff has just been buried in terms of emotions and feelings, maybe even connections, but I know the longer we’re around each other, it’ll adjust itself accordingly and we’ll be back on, the right way.”** He explained as he weaved his hand through my hair, and I smiled in agreement as I rested against him.

 **“We will. We don’t have a bad track record when it comes to being on good terms, ’cause we know when it’s good, it’s good, and it’s real. Genuine as hell between us. That’s probably why we gravitated to** **_this,_ ** **to be honest… I just want to be close. Intimate. I always did, and always will. Even back then, when we first met, within weeks, I got what I wanted before I even knew it was what I wanted…”** I started rambling, and he nodded, understanding where I was coming from with it too.

 **“I loved how tight we got, so fast, knowing we were really into each other and it didn’t matter who had shit to say. I loved how in the beginning when it was just us, it really was just** **_us_ ** **and ain’t shit else matter. As long as I had you by my side, I was fine. You used to, and still do, just** **_do something_ ** **to me. Magnetism is a good explanation for it, even after being apart for years, y’know? It’s some soulmate, twin flame shit for real.”**  

 **“Hmph, you’re right. No matter how much time has passed, I can’t be around you for longer than five minutes before we have to be closer than cloooose,”** He sang along with the song that was playing lowly, and I chuckled.

 **“Closer than mooooost,”** I laughed and pressed my face against his chest, and his laugh vibrated through me.

 **“My God. See, yeah, I needed** **_this._ ** **”**

 **“And, for the record, since you wanna blame me for shit, your ass neverrrrr kept your hands to yourself, while you’re talmbout me. I did let you do stuff at your own speed, and take the lead, but you** **_never_ ** **had any chill. You were always pulling me somewhere, feeling me up, getting me to ride your fingers, just bein’** **_nasty,_ ** **like you just fucking did** **_,_ ** **and your nasty ass rubbed off on me, too…”** I could _not_ stop smiling at him, and he was the same in response as we looked at each other, and he shook his head at me.

**“You ain’t gon’ blame that one on me. That was mutual.”**

**“ANYWAY, this ain’t new behavior for us. We were so good for sneaking off to mess around, it was weird if we didn’t. Niggas was quick to ‘remember’ that shit too. We almost had sex at the house hellllla times, and on the couch, and in Daz’s bathroom, I know you fuckin’ remember that shit, and in your room in Harlem, and on the bus in Miami especially, ’cause if you woulda let me drop all the way down instead of teasing me with the tip--”**

**“Naw Babe, you** **_had_ ** **to take the tip in Miami. I wanted to cum so fucking bad, and I was definitely about to bust a fat ass nut,”** He groaned, as I laughed against the side of his neck.

 **“Please shut up,”** I continued to laugh and steadied my hands against the top of his boxers, and finally tucked my fingers into the band. He hummed softly as I ran my fingers over the script of my name.

 **“You’re laughing, but I’m serious as fuck. I had to pull out. Was all in my fucking feelings when you went to sleep too, because I would have really fucked us up,** **_early._ ** **”** He started rambling as I sucked my teeth and squeezed him with my thighs again.

 **“So you were scared when I left? That’s why you were acting so fucking weird?”** I asked.

We never talked about that. I contributed his mood swing then to something else, probably separating for real, for a longer time period than we’d had to pull off, but years later, I find out that’s not it. I was _super upset_ then, because he had literally shut the fuck down on me, and didn’t tell me why.

 **“I could have taken your virginity then, yeah, but… it was a lot going on. You were too tight, I was nervous, we were both going off adrenaline, and finna part ways for what was supposed to be three months. Plus, I hadn’t told you I loved you yet. I wasn’t gonna bust in there first,”** He shook his head, and I grunted in annoyance at his candidness.

 **“You asked,”** He laughed as I scrunched up my face, and he pressed his lips against mine.

 **“I asked.”** I hummed in between kisses as he pulled back, and thunder rolled in, making me rock my hips against him.

“ **We ain’t waste time anyway, ’cause two months later we were having sex for real, not just teasing each other… still can’t believe I let your ass take my virginity.”**

 **“You always made me feel like I was going to do something to fuck this up back then, and I hated myself more than anything when I actually** **_did_ ** **fuck up. Time after time after time, but no matter what, you always tended to end up back here, somehow…”** He revealed, as I sighed softly.

 **“Back then, after I did it once, that was like… all I could do, even when I knew better. Even when I could do better, I kept on fucking up, and I knew that one day you were gonna stop giving me chances to do right. I don’t want to put you in the position as everyone else, just, you know, not being there for me anymore, but I’ve fucked up with a lot of people and I don’t want you to be one of those that I can’t fix things with.”** I loosened my grip on him as we moved apart, and instead of me clasping on to him, I made sure to look into his eyes, and protectively tuck my hand back behind his back again.

I never wanted to let him go.

 **“We’re going to fix things though. I know we will.”** I insisted fiercely, and he nodded in agreement.

 **“I wouldn’t be right here if I didn’t want that. I honestly never thought we’d really make it as long as we did, considering… everything that was so adamantly trying to keep us apart, so when the situation finally fell apart, and you did what you did, and I was at school with Mike, doing what I was doing in the meantime, we both let the situations get too deep back then, when we both should have tried to stop it.”** I explained, and he nodded again.

 **“I mean, honestly, I never really thought we could have kicked things off to be anything major out in the industry, but I had my own shit going on, wanted to be my own person, and I was never going to stand in the way of what you were doing for yourself.”** We adjusted ourselves and eye contact hadn’t broken yet, and I rubbed his shoulders.

I just wanted to touch him. I just wanted to be close, so he’d know I wasn’t going anywhere, and I was just becoming overwhelmed like a motherfucker with these emotions, and my insides started to fucking plummet because I _knew_ that I never wanted to lose him again.

This wasn’t like the sparks that flew between us at seventeen. This wasn’t like getting back together for a second at nineteen. This wasn’t like twenty one. I _love_ this man, and it’s unfortunate to even admit that I’d do whatever I needed to do in order to keep him here, and that means shutting down whoever, and whatever decided to stand in my way of us not breaking up, _ever again_.

 **“I won’t ever fault you for the way things ended up. Back then, I wasn’t on the same path you were on, and wasn’t even sure if I was ever going to do anything more than work for Vibe and eventually take it over, you know that. Unlike you, my potential success was gonna need an educated background to support my talents. You needed to be on the rise fast, so shit... if being with Robyn was meant to help you, I was with it. I wanted nothing more than for you to be happy and successful.”** I shrugged softly, but wasn’t sure where this was going, or why I was even saying any of this.

He knew these things, already. I wasn’t about to sit up here and lament on the past every time we got too quiet and lost in our thoughts. I exhaled softly and he nodded, but I could not fucking look away from him. I knew he was listening to everything I was saying, he was _there,_ he understood, and it did nothing but open me up more when I wanted to just stop talking about this shit.

After this, I would.

 **“You’re already hip, though. But, shit, as far as my heart being broken in the process and then shit going to hell in a handbasket? Can’t say I was shocked at how it really spiraled the fuck out, but at least we’ve all learned a lesson in handling, confronting, and addressing toxicity. Everything has an expiration date. So, I mean, I knew eventually, yeah… like people say, if we were meant to be, we’d be. We were, and we are.”** I swallowed softly as he nodded again, and rubbed my back, still.

**“We are. It’s gonna take some time, but we are.”**

**“We are, I mean, you know that you honestly were my first love on some real shit, and nothing can compare to the shit we did while we were in the midst of everything, together... Heartbreak was gonna happen. Falling out and falling in was too. We were definitely going to love hard, fuck up, fall out, reconnect, but I just want to stick. Being honest, I want that more than anything but I know there’s still so much shit we have to get through first, counseling, therapy, whatever we need to do, I’m with it.”**

I don’t know when I closed my eyes, but I did.

When I opened them up, he was smiling. I felt like I had tripped a wire or something though, because my emotions started bubbling up from the deep, _fast._ I had to catch my breath before I had a fucking panic attack, which I felt just bubbling under the surface as my emotions really got the best of me.

We hadn’t talked about this in a way that had moved beyond the rawness of everything. It hadn’t been discussed when it didn’t hurt anymore, and was just something we had both handled and moved on from. Despite us being far removed from _that_ situation, the tumbling and spiraling out from it was what hurt me more than anything because it brought him to a place no one ever wanted him to be, and we didn’t go there.

I knew better than to keep going forward with that, but it still gripped at my emotions to feel like I did about it, just bringing myself back to a place I hadn’t gone in a minute. I was going into overload because he was _here._ He was _here,_ and this was really fucking hitting me, like for real, that he was _here,_ and this wasn’t a dream, and this wasn’t me trying my damnedest to recreate these same moments in my writing, because it was _real,_ and fuck if that didn’t get my mind _going._

 **“Kacie, you ain’t gotta cry. It’s all good, babe. I promise.”** He wiped my eyes, and I inhaled sharply. I pushed back from him for a second, and inhaled again.

 **“You feel better after getting that off of your chest?”** He asked, and I nodded.

I exhaled as he gently pulled me closer, closing the gap between the two of us again. I rested against his chest as he briskly rubbed my back, trying to get me to calm down again, but I just wanted to hold him.

 **“You sure?”** He asked, and I shook my head.

 **“No. Fuck no,”** I whined, and the soft sensation of his hand, circling the small of my back made me sigh.

 **“I can’t believe I have you right here after alllll of that bullshit. I missed you so fucking much.”** I closed my eyes again before the tears reloaded, and he pulled me closer against him, letting my head rest into the crook of his neck as he consoled me.

 **“So, so fucking much. And every time we were apart, every time we separated, every time something happened to me or to you, and we weren’t together, you were always on my mind. No matter who else I was with, you were always the first person to come to mind. I always thought about you, only you, and then, all of a sudden you weren’t there. You weren’t there for so long that eventually, it just** **_stopped_ ** **being something I thought about, or even admitted to myself that I wanted anymore.”** I admitted as I cried into his shoulder, through cries that evolved into sobs.

 **“And, you know I feel dumb for making this big ass issue about shit that I’ve resolved in therapy, but I have you right here, I have you underneath me, I can squeeze the fuck out of you, I can kiss you, and I can tell you I miss you, tell you I love you, tell you that, if you fuckin’ leave me again, I’ma fuck you up. Like, what the** **_fuck,_ ** **please don’t do that shit to me, forreal…”**

I don’t think I took an exhale in the middle of any of my ranting, but he knew it wasn’t going to be long before I fell apart. I felt like I was waking up from a nightmare to be honest, but I also knew I was going to have to break down now, once, for real, and go forward from this moment.

 **“I’m not going anywhere, Kacie. I promise you that I’m not.”** He insisted.

 **“Stop crying, babe. Chin up. Look at me, and listen to me.”** He instructed as he gently pulled us apart, creating a little bit of space between us.

**“I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere.”**

**“I don’t give a fuck if it was two nights, two months, two years, or however long it’s been since we’ve been together, you’re here, and that means everything to me. I’m not going anywhere. So, all of the times when you want me there, from this moment forward, I’ll do everything I can in my power to be there. I used to move the fucking world around to get to you, and trust me, I’ll shift this bitch to a whole ’nother solar system these days for you, and for my girls.”** Chris reassured me, and I nodded in response.

 **“I’m for real. If I’m not next to you, call me. I don’t care what time it is, where you are, or what you’re doing. If I’m not there, and I cross your mind, call me. If it’s four am in the morning and you can’t sleep, and it’s one am here and I’m at work or partying or whatever, and you call me, I’ll answer. Yeah, we’re back on that. You call, I’ll answer. I’m not going anywhere. Same goes for Celeste. I’m not going** **_anywhere._ ** **”** I remained pressed in the crook of his neck as he reassured me of his resumed permanence in my life for almost ten minutes until I calmed myself down from the fit I’d worked myself into.

**“I’m not losing you for a third time in our lives together, okay? Calm down, babe.”**

I inhaled softly as I pulled away from him and wiped my face. He rearranged us again so we could be sitting, and sat me on his lap, and brushed my hair away from my neck. I couldn’t breathe. Or at least, I couldn’t stop inhaling hard, nearly gasping for breath.

Before I knew it, he was pulling it up for me, and then pulling me up, and walking me over to the bathroom. I winced as the lights came on once we crossed over into the space, and he sat me on the counter.

**“Breathe before you have another panic attack. Deep breaths, please.”**

He rifled through the drawers, and seconds later, pulled out an inhaler. He narrowed his gaze before pulling his glasses from the counter and putting them on, then passing it to me.

 **“Few puffs should do you right. I’ll just make sure to get you a new standby,”** He insisted as I took it, and took the few puffs like he wanted. I calmed down after a little bit, and he gave me a warm towel.

**“Wipe your face, and when you’re ready, we can actually watch something, okay?”**

**“Thank you.”**

 


	14. slowly, surely...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly, surely I walk away from  
> That old desperate and tainted love  
> Caught up in the maze of love, the crazy craze of love  
> Thought it was good  
> Thought it was real  
> Thought it was  
> But it wasn't love...

13 | Slowly, Surely... 

**“I swear to god, if you farted, I’ma punch you.”**

He’s too quiet…. and when he’s too quiet, he’s like a kid, he’s being weird.

**“Why you say that?”**

**“Cause you’re clenching your fuckin’ muscles, what you flexin’ for?”** I narrowed my eyes as I dragged my nails down his back as he clenched his muscle again, and he did! 

Comfort was one thing, but bruh… I hated his silent ass farts. I groaned as I slapped him in the back and he laughed underneath me and apologized, but he ain’t mean it. I side eyed him as I got off of him, and went into the bathroom to grab the febreeze. His stinky ass…. I sprayed around him and kept my distance from the candles, and stared at him with my arms crossed across my chest.

**“That’s a whole ass grown man fart!”** I frowned as he apologized again and stretched his arms out to attempt to get me close to him. I rolled my eyes and reluctantly walked back over to him before climbing back on his back, and flicking his ear.

**“You fuckin’ stink and this how you know I love your dumbass because what I do? Got right back on your back, stinky ass… I can’t believe this the kinda shit the internet be goin’ up for when they know their fave is taken…. Like… ugh,”** I started thinking about work, old work, and shook my head softly as I pressed my head against his shoulders and attempted to get into the movie again, but I swear I was too hype to really focus on the very thing I requested.

As long as I was right here, I ain’t really care though.

You know the comfort is real when you’ve been basically naked as the day you came into the world and the person next to you is damned near the same, and there’s no sexualizing the situation. At least, not at the moment, and it’s a comfort level that I can pull off with too many people. Our phones were on silent, and it was reminding me of the times when they’d be off, so there were no distractions. I was comfortable right now, for real. 

I was tipsy, he opened up another bottle, and I did  _ not  _ wanna start feeling my liquor while we were watching horror, but I knew it was bound to happen. I stopped paying attention to the movie a long time ago. I had regressed, to say the least, to the behavior patterns of nineteen year old Kacie… and nineteen year old Kacie wasn’t letting Christopher Maurice the fuck out of her sight, for any reason. 

I was caught up in him. 

I had opted to kiss up his back as he laid on his stomach and watched the movie without worrying about if I was paying attention or not, ‘cause we’d watch it again later when I was actually willing to.

Right now, I just wanted to just be on top of him, underneath him, next to him, in all close proximity. I was with all of the shit. I started tracing the freckles on his shoulders, and smiled every time he looked at me. Not too many people could say they knew were there… this used to be my favorite thing to do, just steal time like this, pressed against him, talking lowly, fighting a smile, just tracing the freckles.

After he promptly picked me up and pulled me back to his chest, flipping me with ease like this was a fuckin’ wrestling match, I was staying on his back. He already carried me back to the kitchen to get fruit and talked shit the entire time we came back up, and I swear I was having flashbacks. Like it was just a moment of down time for the both of us, and we could spend time with each other doing not much of anything, but as busy as we were, that was perfect.

I needed to reconnect on several levels with him, and this sensory shit was just fucking _amazing_ to me, because he was really here. And anyone who understood why I moved the way I did when he wasn’t around understands why I’m still ignoring everyone. People are anticipating me explaining this to some extent, but I’ma just let ‘em keep holding their breath. They’re gonna want to ruin this, they’re gonna want to intrude, to piss me, no, piss us off… nah, we good.

I don’t even know what's being said because I'm still ignoring everything, even though I wanna pick up my phone and see what’s good on IG right about now, cause if anything, like I know Christopher, I know Michael. These niggas are habitual, and when we get into it, he always goes to the same fuckin’ spot, and I should go look, but… lemme not.

Not right now.

Cause I feel like once I pick my phone up, i’mma summon bullshit in my direction. The noisiest of my circle, those who are close but i don't keep in the loop, keep trying to hit me up, FaceTime me at random, and send snaps. They want video. They want to see the shit I’m too content to flaunt. They know we’re together somewhere, doing the same shit we used to do, and I’m not even worried about how the fuck they feel about it anymore.

It makes me so fucking joyful and happy that we can just resume like we hadn’t even been on pause for long. I feel like I’m just overwhelmed with the fact that I know he’s not going to leave me. That… it’s monumental as fuck that he just wants me and there’s literally nothing else, but like me, this is a choice. This is a decision! This ain’t just out of convenience, because I’m here, and willing to meet him in the middle.

He wants me here, and I’m here. And, I honestly love him for it.

He just wanted me to touch him… and I was very good at losing myself in my head, and just exploring him… I fucking loved this man, and I promised myself I was  _ not  _ about to fucking cry about it again. The shoulder freckles were a distraction from the tears though. Happy tears, though, but I knew as soon as a fucking teardrop hit his back, the mood would shift, so I had to stop squirming and stop inhaling… 

I kissed the center of his back to distract myself, and he sighed underneath me. I traced the outline of the key he had on his shoulder that matched the lock I had on mine and kissed his skin again before drawing back to my eyes, and smiling as I dragged my nails across his back until I got back to that patch of freckles. You have to look hard in the midst of the tattoos, but, they’re there. Celeste has a similar pattern on her shoulders, looping around to her back, and it makes me smile. 

This is my fucking baby, too.

I’m just looping nonsensical patterns against the art as he struggles for a minute to turn over, and then flattens me, and holds me close to him. It’s quiet and content for a minute, and when I finally pull back, he scrunches up his face at me.

I mirror his face and try not to smile too hard, but I can’t help it.

**“You just gon’ lay on me and trace all of my tattoos and freckles?”**

**“I’m exploring.”**

**“Mmm, well, you’re too quiet, babe. You good?”**

Was I? 

I mean, yeah, I cried like a fucking child and had a panic attack, but he didn’t do anything but console and reassure me. It took awhile for us to face the fact that the situation itself would be triggering for the both of us while we’re trying to make sense of everything, and it was just another adjustment. This is peaceful, but we haven’t gotten deep into anything else after I basically all but had a panic attack, so we probably won’t. Maybe this isn’t the place or time to do that just yet. Remembering that he insisted upon even going to therapy with me and Celeste helped though. I definitely wanted to work that out as soon as it was possible.

**“I’m good.”** I insisted softly, as he gripped my side.

**“You ain't even watching this movie,”** He complained as he sat up, and I pressed my head against his chest and turned it towards the screen.

I figured that I could placate him for a minute, and at least gave it another attempt, but… he smelled good despite that gross ass fart, and he just felt amazing and was making me shiver a lil’ bit, so I knew it wasn’t gonna be long before I was distracted again.

What I did know though, was that Ed and Lorraine Warren were definitely, absolutely, going to get this family in this haunted ass house fucked up. I attempted to pay attention and had fallen back into what was going on on the screen, and I was cringing on the other side of the blanket as Chris held on to me. 

A couple of times, this shit almost made me headbutt him in the chin with all these jumpscares. I  _ hate  _ jump scares, but in my defense, I hadn’t watched any of the movies in The Conjuring Universe. I kinda knew what I was getting myself into while watching, but also didn’t. He told me that he wanted to go see  _ The Nun  _ when it came out, but I had no idea what was going on, and wanted some kind of story to follow. 

Instead of just watching movies with cool posters or titles that we’ve seen before like we’d normally do, he insisted that I had to sit through the sequel to this one, and the ones about the doll too, which I was kinda leery about, because I hate creepy ass dolls. It’s too close to clowns for me, and he  _ knows  _ that.

So, I was on the fence about the whole thing, even with him being right here by me.

**“They gon get these people fucked up,”** I whined into his arm as he laughed, and squeezed me gently.

**“I never really paid attention to this shit too, and clapping in the dark is going to fuck me up for a while now.”** He insisted, and I glanced at him.

**“When would that ever be a concern for you though?”**

**“Backshots in a darkened room.** ” He said as if it was obvious, and I laughed into his arm. 

**“I swear there’s something wrong with your ass,”** I shook my head gently as I kept laughing at him.

A loud, discordant tone made me jump again, and then groan in exasperation. I wasn’t even typically jumpy when it came to horror, but my mood at the moment was askew. I actually loved horror movies, but this had me  _ fucked up.  _

**“You’re jumpy as fuck.”** He chuckled, and I smacked his chest.

**“Shut up! You know we’re just going to skip over the ones about the doll, right?”** I sat up as the credits started to roll, and he turned towards me with a smile. 

It was still dark, still raining, and I pursed my lips together. I wasn’t about to fake it through another movie that couldn't hold my attention, and I had calmed down enough to just relax. I didn’t care what I did, as long as I was with him. He wasn’t going anywhere and I hoped that deep down, he would mean this shit for real this time. I didn’t want to think about him leaving me again, so I knew the best thing to do would be to appreciate him while I had him here in front of me, like I used to.

As content as I was lying against him, with his arm wrapped around me, and his semi-hardness pressed into my stomach, I couldn’t just sit. I was going to get antsy, and he knew that. 

**“So, what’re we going to do now? I mean… other than obvious things, since we can just be naked and it don’t even mean shit.”** He said as I shrugged my shoulder and flicked his nipple, and he batted my hand down.

**“Technically, neither of us are naked now. You never took off your boxers, and I’m probably gonna sleep in this tank top.”** I admitted as I caressed the fabric that smelled like him against me, and snuggled back into his chest.

**“Yeah, you say that now… but, listen, if you’re still tryna eat, we can go cook now if you want, or I can show you what’s changed, or, we could go see what’s all in your closet now… what’s up?”** He listed off several options as I tapped my chin before thinking about it for a second, and then smiled at him.

All of those options sounded great, and I still wasn’t going to dissect the fact that my closets still had  _ stuff  _ in it, despite me being gone for so long that I wouldn’t even know what to do with any of the things in there anymore. I pressed my lips together as I thought about what he was saying. I wasn’t hungry, and I really didn’t want to get up and leave from where I was, not after he’d put all this effort towards all of this… 

But, there was one thing I knew we could do that always ended up the same way, no matter what.

**“I know that plotface.”** His eyebrow went up, and I smiled at him as I shook my head.

**“What face? Ion’ even know what my face looks like, but yo, we can stay here… I wanna sing,”** I insisted as I cleared my throat, and he vibrated underneath me as he tried to stifle his laughter, but I was for real.

**“Sing what? You know I’m the authorized Brown Family sing-”**

**“Hey Google, Play Chris Brown by Chris Brown!”** I basically yelled out in the empty room, and watched him look at me in faux shock as he shook his head.

**“Baby, forreal? You finna go down memory lane on a nigga for what? To tease and or harass me with the good shit, huh?”** He asked, and I shrugged my shoulder again as he shook his head again.

_ “Okay, here’s Chris Brown by Chris Brown, playing on Spotify,” _ The robotic voice responded as I stood up, and smiled at him. I grabbed his phone as he watched me skip the intro, and smiled widely as I started krumping all around the coffee table to the intro of Run It!

**“Lemme talk to you, tell you how it is,”** I exaggerated his former lisp as he laughed and stood up, and pulled me into his chest. 

**“Drunk ass,”** He shook his head as I imitated him, all the way down to a video I definitely, absolutely, still know all the choreography too.

I remember the choreography for his first twenty videos, actually, but, shhh. Maybe more than that. I lost track of everything at one point, so… shit gets spotty, but, I’m here now. I can pick up where I left off.

**“I was thinkin’ when I saw that body, gotta get shawty, tell her what that young boy gon’ do…”** He winked at me, and I rolled my eyes as I smiled at him.

**“Damn them chicks with you gotta be kin.... Who wrote this again?”** I laughed as he shook his head. 

**“Blame Sean Garrett,”** He informed me as I shook my head.

**“I got friends and you got friends, they hop out and you hop in, I look fly and they jockin’, the way you drop drop makes me wanna pop,”** I was back to pulling off memorized choreography as he laughed at me and entertained my foolishness.

**“Is ya man! On the flo’? If he ain’t, lemme knooooow,”** We both started scream singing the chorus, and I laughed as he continued to keep me entertained by being the same person he was when we first met, all the way to him summoning a hat from somewhere and tricking with it.

Despite everything, I was trying not to worry about shit else that wasn’t fixing... Strengthening.. Falling back head first into this. I was so fucking happy that he _knew_ me, like deadass, and he knew how to distract me too. He knew my mind was filled with things I couldn't vocalize when I got too quiet, and that was okay. He always gave me time to find my words, even if they weren't always verbal. He also knew that I wanted to think about something else, and how I was a mess as we both mirrored the choreography, until I was falling on the couch, holding my stomach in laughter.

**“Wait, wait wait, my part comin’ c’mere,”** He pinned me down on the couch cushions again before I could sit up right again, and I ran my hands down his back as he got closer.

**“Girl you feel right, make me feel like, wanna do a lil somethin’, ain’t no thing if you let me do it for sure...”** Hearing his voice overlap with how he sounded when we first met had me literally whimpering underneath him.

**“’Cause the way you’re looking at me is turning me on…”** He nipped my bottom lip and I smiled into his kisses, knowing I wanted more. I’d take what I could get though.

Juelz’s rapping went over my head as we continued depriving each other of oxygen, and he ran his hands up my sides. I wanted to honestly serenade him some more, but all of our antics involving this CD usually ended up with us rolling around anyway. If we kept at it, I hope he knew I was skipping  _ Poppin’ _ just because.

**“I can't believe you really threw your fuckin’ hat that one time, thinking people was gon’ catch it. I know who you took that cue from, and baby, no.”** I laughed in remembrance as he shook his head at me.

**“Whoooooa, you taking it waaaay back.”** He shook his head as I shook mine in return, but couldn't stop smiling.

**“Les loves that damned DVD. It’s on at least once a week.”** I revealed as he smiled, got quiet, and then really smiled as he hugged me and pressed his lips against my cheek.

**“You really had my baby.”** He uttered, and I started to fidget then, not uncomfortable but..

Fuck, I did. I really did.

**“I'd ask you every fucking day after we moved back in and as soon as you got pregnant, I did some ignorant nigga shit that I can never take back, and never repay you for. To you out of all people… but those days, that dumbass nigga, old me? He’s gone. Ain’t no more of that, and I promise… you have nothing less than my word when I say this, right hand up to God, I’ma do everything right for our next one.”** He swallowed softly as I licked my lips. 

Oh, he was feeling his liquor too, ‘cause when he starts putting his hand up to God, he really means it. I couldn't even protest, couldn't even argue, wasn't even gonna go there… because I knew he wasn't bullshitting me.

**“Oh, trust me. If the timing was right, no when, cause… mmm.. yeah, Papicito, creeme, harias todo…”** I smiled and he narrowed his eyes at me, and then his eyebrow went up as he comprehended what I was saying.

**“Right, like I said, I mean everything. You won’t need anything. You still won't need anything, neither will Les. I just… thank you. Thank you.”**

I just let him hold me closely to him and smiled. We always ended up here, on top of each other again, comfortable, bottoming out another bottle. I hummed softly as I closed my eyes, knowing I didn’t need to do too much moving, or we’d end up setting each other off again. I was trying to swallow down the smile that spread across my face as we kept singing to each other until the tail end of  _ Yo (Excuse Me Miss)  _ transitioned into  _ Young Love _ , and he bit his lip at me. 

This song used to taunt the hell out of us, and I know he remembered all those times, too.

**“Nostalgia really gon’ beat my ass with this one,”** My head dipped back as he laughed softly, and nodded in agreement.

**“Since we ain’t twenty one, they be tryna say it ain’t loooooove,”** I shook my head knowingly as he shook his head at me.

**“Yeah, well, fuck ‘em!”** He responded, and I laughed at how serious he was.

**“I ain’t worried about nobody who got shit to say...”** I told him, and he nodded at me.

**“I think I used to write for you before I found you. And then, when I found you, it was all for you. And then when I couldn’t, I always had a song that made me think of you in mind.”** Chris ran his fingers through my hair, and I felt my leg tremble in response. 

Calm the fuck down, body….

**“Like what?”** I asked, and he started moving, and I frowned instantly, and tried to pull him back close to me. 

Where the fuck did he think he was going, I have no idea. He was inching back and grabbing his phone again, separating us, and making me pout. He changed the playlist to something else, and soon Janet Jackson’s vocals flooded the room. 

**“Oh, okay, I see where your head is… whose room? Mine or yours?”** I asked as I smiled at him, and he shook his head softly.

**“Our room.”** He responded, and I licked my lips as I felt my lids lower.

A place that was  _ ours _ to share was definitely different than the distinction between  _ mine  _ or  _ his.  _

**“You still got that Beyonce, Goapele, Amel Larrieux playlist with the one Lauryn Hill collab on it?”** I asked as he nodded gingerly and held up the screen, showing me that it was exactly what was already playing.

**“Stop actin’ like ion’ know what you like, love. I** **_know you,_ ** **Big Baby.”** He smiled at me, and I winked at him.

**“Mhmmhmmm, I guesssss… I guess you do.”** I hummed as he smirked at me, and I sighed softly.

I couldn’t hold eye contact though. I could  _ not.  _ He knew it too, and made me blush as I pressed my face back into the crook of his neck in an attempt to get comfortable again, and just waited. I softly pressed my lips against his neck, knowing he’d never tire of this shit, and that’s another reason why I just really love him, like, forreal… 

He was the only person I really let get away with letting the music speak for the things he couldn’t fully explain. Janet was saying how she’d do  _ anything,  _ and he would too. I would, too…

Fuck. 

We kept a mixed cd or playlist being traded between us. I’ve never really cared for a soundtrack playing against my makeout sessions unless we were together, ’cause he’d usually sing the certain songs in my ear to distract me, like he was now. He was singing to me while I kissed his neck and up to his ear, and I loved that shit.

This wasn’t enough though. I wanted everything. I definitely needed to satisfy the urges I called myself not giving into, y’know? Fuck the boundaries, fuck holding back, fuck all of the limitations I tried to place on myself. If I needed all of that shit for real, I never would have been where I am right now, and that’s all there is to say on that.

Or not, I guess? Ion’ gotta say much. My emotions are written all over my face at this point, and he can read me better than others can.

**“Chris, c’mere...”** I scooted away from him only slightly, and flicked his nose. He smiled at me, showing teeth, and pressed his lips against mine again.

**“Where I’ma go when you’re wrapped up like a muhfuckin’ spider monkey? Any closer and I’ll be inside of you.”** He shot back, and I tilted my head at him and rolled my hand as to say, any time now, c’mon, the fuck…

**“I mean, that would be nice, but I ain’ gon’ rush you…”** I was still touchy as fuck, and ran my fingers up and down his arms.

**“You’re tipsy and touchy and I love it. I missed it. You ain’t gon let a nigga go nowhere, huh?”** He asked, and I shook my head no.

**“Fuck no. I miss you, and knew we’d end up like this eventually. I’m not prolonging the inevitable with your ass... we’re both gonna get what we want, and make up for what we’ve missed out on, right?”** I asked softly, and he nodded.

**“You're a bottle and a half into the tequila and yet you're still saying words that have more than ten letters in them.”** He stared at me, and I rolled my eyes softly as I sat up, and tipped the bottle of tequila back to my mouth just to prove a point.

**“Shut the fuck up… my tolerance been upped.”**

**“You already drink like a fish!”** He exclaimed, as I put my hand in his face to silence him.

**“Plus, I ate, so unless you tryna smoke, I'm pretty fuckin’ coherent still…”** I shrugged, and he narrowed his eyes at me, and licked his lips slowly.

**“Shotgunning or passing?”**

**“Shotguns. Not now! Not now though, nigga, no, be still.”** I held him in place, and he chuckled.

**“Mmm, I was about to go beat someone's ass if they put you on before you finally let me do it, but… listen… I ain’t getting up unless I need to. I’ma definitely make up for all of the kisses we’ve missed, so I got you in the right spot to do just that, and grip all ass while I do it too…”** I just let him ramble as his hands slid down my back and gripped my ass, and pulled me closer into him.

**“I’m just so fucking happy that you’re here. That I have you alone, y’know? No interruptions, nobody fuckin’ eyeballing or cockblocking us… even though we’re not doing anything… it’s the peace I needed.”** He said, and I wrapped my arms around his neck.

Just as I had been triggered earlier, I knew by the look on his face and the way he shifted up, and gently made me decent again, it was his turn now.

**“What, babe?”**

**“Being without you was fucked up. I fucked up my life, other people’s lives, I fucked up a lot, and I own up to that. It just wasn’t the same without you. I missed everything about you, and I sat up for so long, while continuously fucking up, trying to figure out how to explain it to you, how to make the shit make sense, how to fix everything… and me and you, we operate on this wavelength after we get back together where we’re gonna fuck up first, real bad, spiral out and be apart… and whenever we come back together, it’s an instant pull towards each other, you know what I mean?”** He was on a roll now, and I understood where he was coming from exactly.

**“But, we’re mature enough now to skip the part where we fuck up. We've fucked up enough for this lifetime, the next lifetime, the one after that… no. We just have to repair this… I missed you so fucking much that I’m not even admitting even a quarter of how I really am happy to have you here. Your whole presence is just consuming the fuck out of me.”** He sighed, and I smiled as I pressed my lips against his softly.

**“Well, ion’ know if you know this, but you’re stuck with me.”** I insisted softly as I locked my hands behind him, and he tilted his head towards me.

**“Oh really?”** He responded just as softly, and I nodded.

**“I came straight to you because there’s no other fucking choice for me out there, despite whoever wants me, cause I know what the fuck I want. I want a husband, my husband, and a life with our kids, and our family, and all that good shit. We want that. And, we gon’ get that too, not only because we deserve it on our own terms, but because we’re here. And, ‘Cause, I ain’t goin’ nowhere either.”** I came off aggressive as fuck, but I was serious, and he knew that. 

**“When I’m with you… like, when we’re in the same space, same room… close proximity, we have to just, be, like I said. It’s like fire. It’s consuming as fuck. It burns fast, but smolders. We love to torture each other at the same time, which is fucked up, ‘cause you been torturing me for almost two weeks now, but we need each other to keep that fire burning at the same time.”** I explained my thoughts as best as I could, and he exhaled softly as he nodded.

**“Oooh shit, wait I have somethin’... perfect song for this mood, actually...”** I laughed as he placed his phone in my hand, and I flicked through to add a song to the queue. 

Lion Babe’s  _ Treat Me Like Fire  _ started to play as I started to roll my hips against the beat, which made him react instantly.

**“Oh, this is some empowerment playlist type shit,”** He smiled at me as I nodded, and held on in surprise as his hips started to roll to the same beat as mine did, but it wasn’t helping.

**“Babe…”** I whispered against his neck, and I started slowly writhing against the erection that he kept behind the boxers that he wore.

**“I love you.”** I kissed the bridge of his nose, and then his forehead. He tilted his head back so I could get his lips, and I smiled into the kiss until it turned into a hiss when he moved up and pushed my underwear back over, and his hands to smoothly stroke my thighs.

**“I love you too.”** He gently kissed my lips softly as I pushed myself up on him, and dragged my nails down his back. I stopped rolling my hips as the playlist segued back into its original function, sending The Weeknd through the room as I felt his hand slide between us, and I shook my head.

**“This ain’t no muhfuckin’ OG weekend,”** He uttered as I shook my head, but it would do for now.

**“What’d I tell you about this hand bullshit? You gon’ choke me?”** I questioned as he moved his hands from the warmth between my legs, snaked them up my stomach, across the front of the tank top, and secured them around my neck, just a little.

I squeezed the fuck out of him with my thighs in response, and watched his eyes widen a little as I did. In return, I threw my head back, just a little, and he squeezed a lil’ tighter, and I started trembling. I could breathe, though… I was okay, but, bitch, fuck, yo….

**“Mmm…”** My mewling of satisfaction earned me a childish thrust in my direction, and I licked my bottom lip, wanting a little bit more than that.

**“Oh fuck.”** He cursed, and I did too, and panted out a laugh as I rocked my hips against him, and he let me go as he moved them down my back, and then wrapped his arm around me to pull me against his chest again.

**“You ain't forget that,”** I teased him as he looked at me and narrowed his eyes at me. My hips were still rocking, and I’d worked him back into an erection that thumped against my thigh. 

We looked at each other as he ran his fingers down my back with a soft sigh.

**“Baby, why aren’t we naked for real?”**

**“I dunno babe,”** He panted out as he pawed at my ass again, and I wanted him inside of me, like now. I was gonna actually get myself off like this if he was gonna keep letting me do the shit…

**“Mmm, fuck…”** I moaned softly as he lifted my thigh and let it clasp against his hip to assist me, and I fucking nearly arched my back off of the fucking couch at the shift.

**“We’re stalling, bein’ stupid and acting like we’re tryna to be smart about feelings and tryna get what's in our heads out…”** He uttered as I kept it up, and pawed anxiously at his boxers in an attempt to get them off. 

**“You ain’t gon’ slow the fuck down, so I’m not gon ask you to. Just keep going. You sound good as fuck in my ear...”** He whispered, flicking his tongue against my ear lobe.

**“Keep going.”** He insisted as I felt his hands slide up my back and hold me against his chest as I moved my hand between us and tried to push the tip of his dick right where I wanted it to be, but I couldn’t fucking… 

**“Fuuuuuck, why it feel so fucking good already? Hmm? Why?”** I kissed him softly as I stroked his dick just a little, and he pushed up into my hand.

**“You ain’t even doin’ shit but I.... I swear to god...”** I whined, and he swallowed softly and kissed my lips, and thrust into my hand again.

**“You gon’ just fuck my hand, Christopher?”** I pouted, and he moved his hand down to grip mine, and attempted to make me tighten my hand around his dick, and I shuttered as I did, and he pulled me into another kiss.

**“Mmmm, I’m finna fuckin’ move,”** I whined as I looked down and my hips started to buck against him as he moaned gently and I shook my fucking head.

**“I’m finna tap out, I fuckin’ cannot.”**

**“You giving up on me like dis? Got me hard as fuck and you tryna… where you gon go? Where you gon go to where I can’t be right there on your ass? I’ma even let you go, see if you gon’ get up on me….”** He did as he said, letting me go fully, and looked at him as he did, and we disengaged for the sixth thousandth fuckin’ time tonight.

I moved up and off, arched my back as I tried to scoot down to the end of the couch, and he grabbed me before I could even think about it, pulling me close to him by my hair.

**“Where you goin’?”**

**“Fuuuuuuck,”** I threw my head back as he licked my neck, and I struggled to turn back around in a very pitiful attempt to straddle him again. I wound up somewhere near his knees and shook my head as he stopped me where I was, and smiled at me.

He pulled the tank top over my head and carefully placed it on the back of the couch as I pressed myself back against him, and didn’t even dare to try to move again. He wouldn’t even let me get up on him though, and I cursed again as I looked down between us, and exhaled softly.

**“Chris.”**

**“Hmm?”**

**“You get on my fucking nerves.”** I whined, and he smiled childishly at me.

**“Can you fucking help me, please?”**

**“Help you do what?”** The tone of his voice as the same, smug, and I sighed softly.

**“I want you to raw the fuck out of me, if we keepin’ it all the way one hundred.”** I admitted as he hummed lowly, and I bit down on my lip as I glared at him. 

**“Oh, that’s where your head is, huh?”** He asked, and I shook my head softly as he guided me to rock my hips against him again, and I exhaled softly.

**“Mmmmm, I’m afraid that if I push my thighs together, I’ma fucking combust.”**

**“You hot, baby?”** He gently sucked on the exposed part of my breasts, and I wanted my bra off too. 

I maneuvered it up and over my head, and he chuckled softly as he seemed to sink into the valley between my legs even more. My nipples were so hard that they hurt, and he saw this. He  _ knew  _ this. His hand reached up to knead one breast, then he inched forward to kiss the swollen nub. 

**“Your nipples are hard as fuck, I missed this…”** He hummed softly as he bit down on the nipple, and my legs started to shake.

**“Oh, fuck.”** I squeaked out and squeezed my eyes shut. It felt  _ way  _ too fuckin’ good, and just like I remembered.

Something snapped then. Minutes into the situation evolving into a mesh of hands, and lips and hickies, the opening chords to Prototype played and gave us a little pause; a second of hesitation, but we didn’t disengage. I felt like we were probably too fuckin’ deep into our own thoughts and what we were doing, or weren’t, to do anything else. He moved first though, rolling his hips against mine as we both decided to sing to each other.

**“This was your song,”** He chuckled, and I ran my nose against the side of his neck, and ran my hands back down the expanse of his back.

**“Still is,”** I hummed along with it, and he smirked at me after I pecked his lips. 

I still wasn’t close enough and we were entwined like snakes. This nigga was  _ not  _ gonna push himself in until I begged, and I swear, I wasn’t gon’ like myself when I started to do it either. 

**“I think I’m in love again…”** He professed on key as he traced the tattoo on my thigh and I hummed as he opened my legs again, and I just watched him.

I only tensed for a second. Celeste didn’t leave me all cut up, and it was a natural birth. As self conscious as I had been after the whole thing, I wasn’t flabby or anything. I actually bounced back pretty quickly. The revived relationship I’d had drummed up with Teyana was a part of that. My body wasn’t as cut as hers, but it was good enough for me, and I worked hard to keep it that way. Ion’ think he gave half of a fuck about  _ any  _ of that though.

For a while though, recovery had me wondering how I’d be approached sexually, and he missed  _ all of that.  _ It was chaotic as fuck which eventually led to a self-imposed journey through me exploring my celibacy, and sticking with it for longer than I thought I would.

He noticed the little things immediately, like the crisscrossing stretch marks on my thighs and sides, and the elaborate octopus thigh tattoo that he hadn’t paid attention to earlier. He smiled at me as he skimmed his hands down my stomach, and gently kissed my hip.

We couldn’t do this earlier. I became hyper aware that we both were about as naked as we could be and being on this couch wasn’t going to be comfortable for too much longer. My mind was cemented the moment I got here. I debated taking my underwear off as soon as I put them on for this  _ very fucking reason,  _ because I knew what I wanted. 

We had to get this out of our systems for now. We could wait after this to  _ make love,  _ but right now, I just needed to fucking cum and I wanted him to cum with me. It was that simple, even though we both knew it was anything but  _ simple. _

**“You’re so beautiful,”** He hummed softly as he pushed up, and gently sucked on my still hard nipple. 

**“I miss having you under me like this. I miss the way you sound and the way you look when you cum… I can only replay what I have so many times, y’know?”** He exhaled softly as I continued running my nails up and down his back, and pushing my body towards him.

**“Mmm god, like the one when we bought this couch, I know you remember…”**

**“When you licked down my back and tried to pull my underwear off with your teeth?”**

**“I was successful though, Ms. Put my legs up to your ears…”** He teased as I lifted my legs and put them near his shoulders, and he cursed as he held them open and looked down at me.

**“Jesus… you so fuckin’ nasty. I love it.”**

I bit down on my lip at the reminder of our sex tapes that’d we’d felt bold enough to pull off in the years prior, and he kissed his way down the inside of my thighs as I watched the top of his head disappear. I definitely wasn’t going to admit that I still had those to watch when I wanted to, but I knew they would come of some use in the future.

**“Let’s make another one.”**

**“Right now?”**

**“Right now, please. We been stalling all fucking night. Ion’ wanna be aggressive. And I’m not really feeling aggressive either, and… to be honest, I’ma fuck around and go to sleep on you if you keep playing. But, I do wanna cum for you, daddy.”**

**“You know I was gon’ keep fuckin’ with you until you couldn’t hold out anymore, right?”** He asked as I rolled my eyes and pushed him away from me with my foot, but it didn’t do shit. He advanced on me like he did earlier, and I willingly submitted to whatever way he wanted to bend and turn me.

**“Throw your legs back up, baby.”** He insisted, and I sighed softly as I did exactly as he asked.

I gasped softly as his tongue slid down my slit, and slowly tongued my clit like it was my tongue. Those passionate tongue kisses had my hips lifting to follow his directions, and I knew that I was wet as fuck now. I hummed softly as he did this, which evolved into a moan, and my heels pressed into the center of his back as my legs wrapped around him.

**“You’re so fucking wet for me...”** He murmured softly as he kissed my inner thigh, and my back arched. 

**“I know…. you know what the fuck you do to me, I don’t even know why you thought time would change that…”** I tried to trap him between my legs, and he laughed.

**“C’mon, time to change seats.”** He tapped my thighs and moved back, finally disengaging from me, and I cut my eyes at him.

**“Where am I going?”**

**“Sit.”** I grunted as he wrapped his hands around my thighs and pulled me towards his neck so damned quickly, I gasped. He pulled me down on his face, and I licked my bottom lip slowly, knowing his nasty ass wasn’t going to be too tame for too much longer.

**“Fuck, forreal?”** I held on to the edge of the couch as he flicked his tongue against my slit, and I readjusted myself to claim my seat on his face, ’cause why the fuck wouldn’t I? 

**“Knew you just wanted me to sit on your fucking face, I’ma fuckin’ cum all on your chin, too…”**

It didn’t take long before he was rocking my body against his mouth, going the fuck  _ in,  _ urging me to do it without saying anything. I knew his cues though, and fuck if I didn’t fall into some other place by rote, and reach my hand back to get back to his dick. We were already in motion, and I didn’t want to stop. I turned and pushed my way into an impromptu 69 and I honestly want to fuck the shit out of him, right now. 

Suddenly, this wasn’t going to work for me. 

I moved my hand up and tried my best to enclose it around his thick shaft for the third time today, and guided it towards my lips after a few kisses that made him moan, even though it was muffled. I wasn’t thinking anymore. I worked his dick like I was churning butter as I slid him in and out of my mouth, and he loved every second of it, but it wasn’t enough for him, or enough for me either. 

**“C’mon… getuphm,”** He mumbled as he pulled us up to a stand, and I yelled as everything rotated, and I wasn’t sure where the fuck I was for a second.

**“Where was my warning?!”** I squealed as he lowered me, and I was standing on my own two feet again seconds later, barely...

We stared at each other for a second before he pulled me up from the floor, and my legs wrapped around his waist. Chris carried me backwards over to the bed, where he sat me down with his eyes focused on me as I scooted to the middle of the bed, and looked at him, impatient as fuck. I didn’t want to let him go, I didn’t want him to step away from me, and even at the foot of the bed, he was too damned far. 

I just wanted him on top of me, now, and we both knew that.

**“Stop looking at me like that,”** He uttered softly as he licked his lips, and I shook my head.

**“Nah. I know this look is one you deserve.”** I spoke softly, and he kneeled in front of me, and seconds later, did something I couldn’t. 

He slowly pushed the tangled boxers from around his thighs, and they hit the floor. I was so impatient, I could see myself hiding all of his fucking boxers for the rest of the weekend, honestly. I smirked at his second of frustration, but there was no rush, no anxiousness as he stroked his dick, and looked at me, knowing he didn’t need to work himself up for me. 

He was being an asshole by slowing down. I didn’t need a show right now.

**“C’mere, babe.”** My voice still hadn’t gone louder than a whisper, and he hummed softly before he covered me again, easily and carefully positioning himself on top of me. 

I went into sensory overload first, feeling him, smelling him, hearing him, and seeing him, there,  _ fuck.  _ My mouth was wet and there was nothing more I wanted to do than devour him. He slid his tongue inside of my mouth so fucking quickly that I could barely breathe. And his hands? His fucking hands were everywhere. My clit was being rubbed out in the process and after a bit of maneuvering, his dick was getting stroked with absolute impatience on my end as I directed him to where he needed to be.

**“Say please.”**

**“I just wanna feel you inside of me when you make me cum, we can be gentle later, just-”** My babbling was cut short by penetration as he gripped my wrist and pinned my hand over my head, and I almost fucking lost it.

I forgot how good, how natural this felt, and fought the urge to tear up. Everything just fucking  _ ignited  _ at this point, and I was about to fucking lose my shit, I swear I was...

**“Fuck,”** He cursed loudly as my hips twisted against him, and I clawed his shoulders.

**“Oh, fuck,”** I moaned as I arched my back, and he gripped my hip, pulling me close to him.

**“Fuck,”** Our curses were traded back and forth as he caught my thigh in his grasp and started to slow stroke me until my eyes rolled back.

**“You wanted more, huh?”** He inquired, and my follow up response was a moan into his ear.

**“Fuck yesssss,”** I gripped at him, keeping my legs open for him, and gripping his back again as his hand slid to rub my clit.

**“You gon squirt for Daddy?”** He requested, and seconds later, shifted his hips the right way, and got exactly what he wanted. 

I literally tried to cover myself with my hands as I felt myself squirting, and he frowned at me and gripped my hands by the wrists and slapped them back to my thighs and held them there.

**“Move your fuckin’ hands Kace, I wanna watch you cum on my dick… let me watch.”** He ordered as I listened to his request as I felt my muscles contract around his dick and I came again, shooting hard against his stomach until it started running down my legs. 

This man was trying to fuck me into the headboard, and I let him. I surely the fuck did.

**“Mmmmm fuck, get the easy one off… cum inside of me, please,”** I cried, and he gave into my request with his body trapping me down, and my face pressed into his neck. 

I wasn’t going to whine about missionary with him as long as he was on top of me. His strokes were slow, on point, hitting me right, and I knew he wasn’t done. 

**“I’m not done filling you up,”** He insisted, fisting my hair in his hands, and pressing his lips against mine. He wasn’t going to stop until I had milked him dry, and I knew that.

He rolled us over, pulling me on top of him, coaxing me to ride his dick, making me smirk, and grabbing my breasts as my back arched, and my hands dug into his shoulders. I was cumming again in seconds, and he was smiling up at me, and just waiting on the perfect moment to flip me over again. I was used to the tumbling, and didn’t even need to reorient myself this time. I moaned as he slapped my ass and applied the pressure that I needed to stay stable enough to catch my breath. I threw everything back at him as he started spitting out some very, very, very nice words of encouragement that made me cum again.

**“Show Daddy that pretty pussy, let me see how I fucked it up,”** He pulled out and pushed my back in, making me stretch out like a cat and hold my arch for him.

**“Fuckin’ shit, baby…”** I pressed my face into the pillows as he kissed up and down my thighs, and I felt my eyes roll back again. What the fuckkkkkk, man…..

**“Look at the mess you made…”** We separated for real as he pulled back, and kissed me from my forehead to my toes, but skipped over the mess he had made between my legs.

**“Fuck, babe…”** I was panting softly and staring at the ceiling, anxiously wanting more of this, and digging my head back into the pillows as my back arched and he licked me clean, and made me cum again.

**“Oh My Fuuuuuucking God….”** I whimpered as he spit on his mess back on me, and massaged it back into my throbbing slit. 

I was just done, then. Completely, absolutely, but I knew he wasn’t. He pushed himself back inside of me, and I wrapped my legs around his back, and dug into his shoulder.

**“You done?”** He gripped my hips and made me cum every time my clit mashed against his body.

I shook my head no. I wasn’t going to open my mouth. I was going to let him do this now, get it out of his system, ’cause tomorrow would be a different story, and I knew that. 

**“Okay, good, we can record now.”**

**…**

I have no idea what the fucking time it is, where my phone is, and I childishly attempted to kick him off of the bed after he plugged his up, and flattened himself next to me.

**“Nah, you can’t touch me. You’re supposed to be catchin’ ya breath. And I think you broke me.”** I explained as he wrapped his arm around me, and pulled me into his chest.

**“You letting me hold you, though.”** He commented smartly, and I sucked my teeth gently.

**“‘Cause I love when you hold me. Fuck you mean? But, forreal tho, baby, I need some water,”** I insisted, and he nodded as he pulled himself up, and seconds later, me too. The sheets went with us and I pouted as he shimmied close behind me down the stairs and into the kitchen, and he passed me a cold bottle of water, and watched me drink thirstily, and loudly.

**“We finna go to sleep, or naw?”** He asked as I greedily gulped down the water, and my eyebrow went up. 

I could barely lift my fucking thighs without smashing them together so I wouldn’t get stimulated again. But, I  _ knew  _ him. He had stamina that could keep us in bed for  _ hours  _ and as long as he could get hard, we’d fuck until he’d shoot blanks and I felt like a fuckin’ custard filled donut. I just looked at him, naked, drinking water too, but never taking his eyes off of me. 

He just made me squirt like a fucking fountain, came inside of me three times, and  _ still  _ wanted to be inside of me, and I knew I wasn’t getting any sleep tonight. It was still raining out, and I closed my eyes briefly and caught my breath. 

**“Even if you don’t wanna admit it, you’re already swaying. Just let me put you to sleep. I’ma go slow. Real slow, I promise. You know you’ll be up for the next hour fightin’ it anyway, ‘cause you wanna stare at me and kiss my shoulder and shit...”** He insisted as he sat the water bottle down, and I shook my head softly.

**“Sing that to me.”**

**“What?”**

**“C’mere, sing it to me. You gon’ go slow, real slow, you promised…”**

**“I’ll record that after you let put me you to sleep if you want me to. Or you just wanna hear your voice in my ear, huh?”** He asked.

**“I got you started, huh?”** My head tilted, and he nodded.

**“How many more minutes do I have before you can...”** I watched him walk closer to me, and I stopped him with my foot, planting it against his chest. I raised my eyebrow with a shocked smile, but wasn’t no point in stopping him.

**“Fuck, what’d you do, pop something when I wasn’t looking?”**

**“Don’t even joke.”**

He looked down at me, lifted my foot from his chest, and started to kiss my calf muscle back up to my thighs. 

**“Slowly.”** I reminded him as he slowed down, and I hummed softly in content.

**“You better not wake me up by putting your dick in my ear, either.”** I laughed softly as he made me stand and took my hand, leading me back upstairs.

**“It’ll go in your mouth. Promise.”** He just winked at me. 

 


	15. tru

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is me so please accept me for who I am  
> And please accept me for what I do  
> I'm just doing everything that I can  
> 'Cause all I wanna be is true

Tru | 14

Baby | so u blocked me

but your lock code is Still 5589 still huh? first of all I dont esnna bear shit about me changing my name in your phone again. I finished the te quila without you but u know that ain't shit to a nigga like me so we good whenever u want it u know you ain't even gotta ask but i know 7x u gon ask anyway , you Hella nice. You are so nice. Why idk, cause i also know u can be a whole asshole and i love thay shit cause your face be having menfucking bugging yo bc you are actually men's as fuck sometimes too but i get it. U gotta be mean. Everybody don't need to see the nice cause they try and take adavayage of thennife snd I'll be damned if anybody fucking try you !!! 

Baby | Okay well U sleep and I'm kinda over it because I thouht u was fin agsu yo for a nigga but you didn't but that's inayZ . I locr you more than anything in the  worlrole on some realm nigga shut. So going forward I ghedd im just gon have to best mikes add cause I'm not finna let another nigga just think he gon get to run off with my wife likrnthay. Tol u from the beginn in this aint supposed to be no fuckin replacement and this nigga aint no fucking replacement at all for me so Soo many times we had to stop tryna be adults about you and us an d yall cus i was gon beat his ass  cause he get real cocky about some shit hes borrowing hes borrinw basically like nigga i WILL BEAT YO ASS

No but i really really love u thank u so much 

Our son gon be the shot shut shit for real!!!!!

**“Oh my fuckin’ god.”**

I don’t remember falling asleep. I remember getting out of the shower and letting him lotion my back? I remember him getting my legs and my knees and making me laugh because I’m ticklish… and I remember calling him perfect, with my fucking heart about to explode ‘cause I never would have thought I’d have him back to me. I think I even sang some new Ariana Grande to him, really wanting to know why God keeps on bringing me back to him… 

His text tone was what woke me up though. And to see this drunken ramble from a few hours ago made me chuckle. We were  _ fucked up  _ when we finally got into recording. We bottomed out all three bottles of the Cuervo I bought, and I for one was very glad that he put water by the bed. I don’t need to drink anything else but water. 

Usually, I was the one reckless when we’d get fucked up and were in a good space. At parties, I often tweeted him and everybody in the room that I loved them. I’d hit Alex and Bee up with selfies, and Billie’s ass too, just happy to express how I felt about  _ everything.  _ Liquor usually gave me the  _ happy as fuck  _ vibe, and with him, it was no different. My smile was so big that my fuckin’ head was starting to throb. 

Okay no, that was the liquor, giving me a headache. But, still. 

My buzz was gone and I had come into perspective about exactly where I was and what I was doing, and that was sobering enough. It’s been  _ years  _ since we’ve been here. Four to be exact. We both got lucky one night and that most likely was the spark, but we don’t speak on that. We’ve both tucked it away at this point as something that just  _ had  _ to be done, and I get it. 

Just another catalyst, I supposed. 

I’ve had good bonds and things of substance with my other men, but the things I do with this one cannot be compared in so many ways that those who think they know even a  _ little bit  _ about how we interact know better than to try and imitate our behavior. It’s been a minute since we’ve had a night like this. We’ve just been bullshitting around just because we want to be close, and then finally fucking each other until we both have noodle legs. At some point, we’d fall asleep, get back up and go back at it… eventually, change the sheets, we’d shower one at at time, and I’d attempt to be firm when I tell him to leave me the fuck alone, even though I’m pulling him closer to me, ‘cause we ain’t gon keep doing the same shit. 

We’d both be good then. We’d just be  _ there,  _ y’know, in a good place, smiling, cuddling, and he’d sing me to sleep while I rubbed his hip. It’s just the way we are. It’s ingrained comfort since I was a teenager, can’t nobody fault me for the way I’ll always feel, or the way he makes me feel, really. He’s gonna get comfortable and hold me. I won’t be worried about shit else but him. It’s how we operate, how we get back to a good, satisfied, peaceful medium between the two of us.

And despite how many times I’ve went out on a search to find something to be the total opposite of everything he stands for - in a good way, or y’know, just find a contrast that still works for me, it’s not possible. It’s been successful, and everyone else, the other two, have their own reasonings to still be around, but they don’t give me this. They don’t give me full on comfort that makes me fucking  _ radiate  _ from the inside out. I’m just fuckin’  _ buzzing…  _

They can never do this for me.

In many ways, me and him are just as we are, and no one else can have that same effect on me. Like the smile I have, while I’m reading whatever the fuck he was trying to convey while he was gone off of the Cuervo a few hours prior. I pressed my face down into the pillows for a second, then picked my head up as I skimmed the message again, trying to piece together what he was saying. I got the gist of it, and hated that he wasn’t next to me anymore to explain this. I wanted to hear it in his own words.

It’s not even all physical either. A lot of our interaction is physical but I love to have him close to me and keep me close to him, and safe, and warm and all of those descriptive ass feelings of happiness and warmth because he was the first one to ever do it the right way.

He was singing just a few minutes ago… a rendition of  _ You Belong To Me  _ that made me roll my hips against the bed. I didn’t need  _ any more  _ stimulation, I swear I didn’t. Just lying here was enough to keep me turned on and hot. Probably why neither of us even bothered to put clothes on after our showers - and I don’t know where he made the tank top disappear to, but the pillow smells like him. The new sheets smell like him. I’m fucking  _ elated  _ and it’s probably why we keep waking up to end up smashing again anyway... 

We’re too excited to do anything else other than just be in each other’s immediacy, and I get it.

I looked at my phone again and skimmed the text again. It has all of my focus even though it’s a lot of gibberish, but I understand. For us to not really touch on our feelings, Drunk!Chris was really telling me everything that he wanted to say, and I knew that he meant that shit. I furrowed my brow as I sat my phone back down and squinted as I looked around, trying to get a feel for what time it was.

I had no fucking idea.

**“Baaaaaaabe…. you let me go to sleep again?”**

I was disoriented as hell, and picked up my phone again. It was 4:21am. I just laid back and sighed softly, waiting on him to come back to bed. The room was spinning still, and I wanted it to stop. I pressed my head deeper into the pillow like it would swallow me whole and inhaled hard, and that same tingle of comfort overcame me. I smelled him before I saw him. I know it sounds weird as fuck, but I did and he smelled so fucking good... 

That was Coach, I do believe… 

I picked my head up again, and movement drew me across the room to the shower, enclosed behind the glass wall, and I watched him finally get out of the shower. I crossed my legs in the bed and flattened my palms against the sheets as I watched him come my way, and I didn’t take my eyes off of him. And for good reason, too, ‘cause I ain’t even been here a whole fuckin’ 24 hours yet and he’s already using my spray on shea butter lotion. I just watched him as he hit his limbs and slowly rubbed it in.

**“I know you have some fire ass lotions real close by while you tryna use the shit I just got from CVS, Ashy.”** I narrowed my eyes at him, and he sucked his teeth as he turned towards me.

**“First of all, I missed you. It smells good. Makes me think of you. Second of all, so? You share with me. I’m like one of the only motherfuckers you’ll ever share with, actually. And, I’m not gon ask you to get my back. I’m finna go to sleep ashy as fuck, ‘cause you… you gon’ start something.”** He insisted as I rolled my eyes softly at him, and gestured to myself in confusion.

**“Yes, you. Don’t act innocent.”** He looked back at me and I sucked my teeth softly. He started humming again as I touched his back, and he chuckled. I sprayed it on his lower back and rubbed it in, and he trembled at the sensation of my hand on his back.

**“Gone, man… we ain’t gon’ never get no sleep.”**

**“It’s like four something anyway. Fuck sleep.”** I scored his lower back with my nails and he shivered, and cursed lowly again.

**“I belong to you, huh? That’s the song in your head?”** I asked, and he shook his head in the affirmative. I smirked at him as he winked at me, and scrubbed his head dry with his towel.

**“So, you not gon’ perform it for me?”** I asked, and he shook his head at me, and just kept looking. 

**“You actin’ up tonight.”** Chris insisted as I laughed gently before sitting the lotion on the side of the bed, and getting the top of his back. Once I stopped rubbing, he got up, and I frowned.

**“I been actin’ up since you put the camera on me.”** I shrugged, and he licked his lips again and I hummed softly at the sight of him, and motioned for him to come back, and he shook his head at me.

**“I’ma have to get some shots of you, ‘cause you are in** **_rare form,_ ** **”** He picked up a camera from the nightstand, and I clucked my tongue at him.

I sat up in the middle of the bed and watched him aim the Fuji camera at me with a smile. I playfully juggled my titties in my hands, but I was not about to fuckin’ play with him.

**“Oh, that's what we’re doing?”**

**“Nope.”** I watched the picture fall to the bed, and I exhaled softly. 

**“You ain’t gon pose for me?”** He asked, and I shook my head softly as I sat up just a little, and winked at him. It was easy to get him started, and I wasn’t even trying to look too hard at the fact that he was getting hard again. 

**“You ain’t gon sing for me, so no.”**

I wanted to stroke his dick with my free hands, but I wasn’t. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I wanted to, though. I wasn’t going to sleep. Ever. I was gonna be up for fucking  _ ever.  _

**“You look so fucking good right now,”** He got into a photographer’s angle on the side of the bed and took another picture as I covered myself up and smiled childishly at him. He took two more, and I watched him move the camera and the pictures to the nightstand.

**“So... that’s what we’re doing right now? You better fuckin’ put them up too.”** I looked at him as he picked them up and smiled at them before sitting back on the end of the bed, and looking at me. 

He motioned for me to come closer and I did, crawling down to him as he cradled the side of my face and kissing me softly. I smiled as I pulled away from him and ran my hand down his stomach, listened to him grunt softly, and stroked his dick, just a little.

**“Kiss it,”** He requested softly as I felt my back arch, and gave him just a few kisses to hold him off. 

**“You be fuckin’ me up…”** He uttered as I sat back on my heels and looked up at him, and shook my head.

**“I know.”** I insisted as he laughed softly and I kissed him again, and pulled him close to me, holding him close by his shoulder, which eventually made me pull him all the way down, and just hold on tight.

**“Can I get under the cover?”** He asked as I shook my head and pulled the covers back, pulling them back over us.

**“You promised you’d sing me to sleep.”** I know we would be better off going back to sleep, but the sun ain’t even up yet. 

I have too much energy. 

**“Pretty pleaaaase,”** I whined as he flopped his thigh over my leg as he got comfortable again, and I shied away from the contrast of his cool skin against me being hot as hell.

**“You ain’t have to beg,”** He smiled as I pressed my hands on the side of his face and kissed him softly. 

**“But this is exactly why you’re Big Baby, ‘cause your lil’ ass finna start whining if I don’t, huh?”**

**“I’m older than you.”** I reminded him, and he chuckled as he shrugged, and I started spiderwalking my fingers down his side and towards his hip. I rubbed his hip and curved around his back, and pulled him into me, and kissed his cheek, and then his lips.

**“And yet you’re still a big baby.”** He repeated, and I shook my head.

**“When we get up,”** He stretched his arm out and I pressed my head against his chest, chuckling softly. 

**“Whenever we get up, I will sing you every song that comes to mind. But, right now, go back to sleep.”**

I blew out a breath I was holding and he laughed softly as I kissed the side of his neck, and squeezed him a little. I was too fucking excited to actually go to sleep, and it was killing me.

**“Baby. Go to sleep.”** He hummed gently as I stopped squeezing him and smiled, which he mirrored. 

He knew I was too hype to sleep. We were about to just sleep together, and it had been so long I was surprised he was even able to wind down the first couple of times. Right now, I was just too excited. I was still overcome with the reality every so often that he was  _ here,  _ and it was  _ everything  _ to me.

**“Okay, I promise I will, after you explain this. Knowing good and fuckin’ well my lock codes and pins ain't gon’ ever change… were you trying to confess your feelings to a real nigga?”** I grabbed my phone as I finally untangled from him, and I knew I had a smile from ear to ear as I looked at him. He smiled back at me before taking my phone and narrowing his eyes at the text.

**“I was drunk as fuck before we slept it off,”** He smiled as he looked at it, and then shrugged as he placed my phone back in my hand.

**“I meant that shit though.”** He told me as he kissed my forehead.

**“What the fuck were you saying though?”** I asked as he hummed.

**“Basically, that I love you and I’ma beat Mike’s ass. And you’re mean, but that’s okay, ‘cause you gotta be mean. You’re nice to me, so that's all that really matters, and I was talking shit about you fallin’ asleep on me. I’on even know what I was really rambling about, or what my point was. It made more sense when I was trying to put it into words.”** He explained as I shook my head, and I smiled at him.

**“You called me your wife, though. And mentioned a son too, so, I’m assuming you’re definitely going to make this a fight, huh? And to think I thought I was gonna have two boyfriends…”** I pursed my lips as he cut his eyes at me, and sucked his teeth softly.

**“Jury’s still out on that one.”** He uttered, and I kissed him softly as I wrapped my arms around him, and hugged myself against him.

**“You take that up with him later then,”** I insisted, and he scoffed.

**“As soon as he gets out of his feelings, I will.”**

**“Please do.”** I responded swiftly as he shook his head and kissed my forehead.

**“Go to sleep, baby.”**

I rolled my eyes gently as I closed my eyes and he chuckled, but I could lowly hear him singing into my ear, and rubbing my thighs until I did fall back asleep. I wasn’t even worried about anything else, for real. Nobody and nothing was going to snatch this from me. Not nothing, not nobody… and I meant that shit.

…

For me to be a person that didn’t want everyone in my business, I picked the funniest fucking places to be out in public at. I wasn’t trying to stay cooped up in the house though, and I just wanted some produce, initially. We ate  _ all  _ of the fruit when we made brunch earlier. Well, no actually that was all my doing, ‘cause I had him make smoothies. Christopher knows he doesn’t get to cook anything related to breakfast unless it’s something I know he can do. 

We still found our way to the Farmer’s Market though. I needed the sun, and he did too. I was really walking on clouds while we were together. Today felt amazing, so why not go be out in public? It was a dicey game to play for the girl who hadn’t updated social media in a  _ minute,  _ and still had people talking about what she was doing, but oh well.

We ended up getting more stuff than we anticipated though, including a bunch of hot sauces I knew he wasn’t gonna attempt to try once we got home, but I was gonna convince him to do so anyway. We ended up eating here too, and both had been stopped a few times. Some girl even went as far as to try to photograph us from the cut, and it was funny when I finally gave her eye contact and threw up some hand gestures as he posed behind me, and she finally walked up to us.

We stood in line and sat down close to Pampas Grill, ate our food and ignored basically everyone around us who tried to pay us even the smallest bit of attention, and I didn’t see anybody  _ but  _ him. Everybody knew what was up. I didn’t have to say anything. Behavior was enough, and they knew who  _ wasn’t  _ around, so it went without saying what I was on.

After we decided to walk off our food, I wasn’t really trying to stay in the house once we got back, so I convinced him that we should drop the food off, put it up, and go somewhere.. Anywhere. I didn’t have any solid plans, but I just wanted to be with him.

**“I think you’re tryna get me fat again for real,”** Chris chuckled as I shook my head no, and wrapped my hand around his waist, and pulled him into me again, silently asking for more kisses. 

**“I’m not. You took my mousse so what you thought, I wasn’t gon get another one?”** I pulled back after getting one dropped to my forehead, and I purposely held the other hand away from us as he laughed at me and pouted at me. 

I wasn’t the only one being a big baby.

**“Okay but gimme some,”** He begged in a baby voice, and I clucked my tongue at him.

**“Gimme got shot, ole begging ass boy.”**

I rolled my eyes as I spooned another spoonful of my mousse back towards his mouth, and he licked his lips after it was gone. I blocked him from getting the rest of the takeout cup as I shook my head, and he laughed as he shook his head back at me. 

It wasn’t even a big cup, and when I got it, he was like,  _ “you would want some exotic shit like passionfruit…” _ and I should have known then that he was gonna beg. He was one of those ‘I’ma eat off your plate cause that looks good until you make my plate and your plate look alike’ kinda niggas, and it made me smirk as I looked at him. 

**“Lemme get the corners,”** He insisted, and I shook my head again and passed it to him.

**“You shoulda ordered one to go too! You gon’ learn to listen one day, babe.”** I grunted and watched him as he threw away my cup after he finished it off, and I sighed softly.

**“So, did Brazilian food takeover from your love of taco eating or what? I’ve had a lot of Brazilian style meat since I been back with your ass. Pause.”**

**“Brazilian style meat, huh?”** I laughed and he shook his head at me.

**“Y’all been before, right?”** He asked, and I nodded.

**“Yeah, like a few years back. But nah, it hasn’t, I just like it too. Same umbrella. We need to go to Brazil though, like** **_me and you._ ** **”** I insisted as he nodded softly.

**“I mean, I didn’t learn Portuguese for nothing, y’know?”**

**“But, if you’ve already been though, what would you get out of it that’s different with me?”** He questioned me, and I shook my head.

**“Oh, trust me, no matter where I go, it’s a different experience when I’m experiencing it with you. I wanna go wherever it’s possible for you to disappear to, if that makes sense. Like, if there’s no restriction, I wanna go. I would say for a birthday present, but you know, December is too close to Awards season, so, maybe before? Like, November maybe? After the premiere would be nice…”** He let me ramble as he simply nodded, and I shrugged gently as I wrapped my hand back around his, and smiled.

**“You makin’ me work hard to catch up, but you know what, you’re right as fuck. It ain’t the same with me. I’m different.”** He smiled at me, and I shook my head, but he was right.

**“You got time to wow me. Just know I want some fresh air, new scenery, good memories for Celeste, and for us too. If you even wanna bring everybody, that’s fine, but… as long as I end my nights with you, I’ll be good.”** I told him as we weaved through the crowds and back out, and he smiled at me, not saying anything, just listening.

**“From here on, all of ‘em will, as long as you’ll let me.”** He looked at me, and I smiled at him, knowing what he wanted. We didn’t speak about how we’d get there, but we knew that we would. That’s all that mattered.

**“I’ll definitely consider all of the nights going forward with you.”** I smiled as we kept walking, and he winked at me.

**“I gotta go take a leak, gimme a second.”** He insisted as he let me go, and disappeared into the men’s room.

Without him, it felt like I had been pulled out of the sun and covered by a cloud. My hands even briskly ran up and down my arms as I stepped away from the men’s room and found a sunny spot to stand in. By the time I got back out to a spot that didn’t make me second guess everything around me, I was more comfortable than I was trying to navigate my way through the crowds. 

I had fallen into a weird spot. I had been sucked into a vacuum of all things  _ Marvel  _ which definitely highlighted Black Panther, with it being its latest release. I stopped and looked around where I was, and signed. I was also waiting on the reconnection to Michael, especially as I looked up and saw T’Challa vs Killmonger promo, and apparel, and it only made me sigh softly.

There were posters and promo up for Black Panther everywhere, and a report on about Fahrenheit 451 playing on someone’s TV, and I rolled my eyes as I got closer to the shops to ignore it all. I got lost in the window of Weiss Jewelry for a second and exhaled as I pulled my phone out. 

Michael still hasn’t called, and I’m over it, honestly.

I flicked through my notifications until it updated on its own, and I saw that Tabria Majors had posted a post. I sucked my teeth as I opened it, and glared at the screen as the post loaded. It didn’t take too long for me to realize who I was looking at, sitting next to her on the beach. If only by calf and ankle alone, I  _ knew  _ his ass wasn’t calling for a reason, and I laughed softly as I shook my head.

**“Fuckin’ wow.”** This ain’t never been how we went about  _ this,  _ and I wanted to curse him out, but it wasn’t even worth the energy.

**“Why you lookin’ like that?”** Chris asked softly as he caught up with me, and I shook my head. 

**“Nothin’ to worry about. I should have known that Mike would be with Tabria though.”** I explained, as I watched his eyebrows raise, and then fall.

**“Damn, for real? Even I know that ain’t how the flow goes, so that’s some bullshit.”** He shook his head as I shrugged and gripped his hand back in mine.

I wasn’t out here, but he was, and that was cool. Wasn’t the first time, but I was honestly thinking about it being the last time. I didn’t give it long before people started having something to say about the situation either. I don’t really care about the outside looking in anymore. I’m not gonna make a big ass deal about it, and neither should anyone else, because they already know what the fuck is going on. I think that motivated me more than anything to just go on about my week, even though he wasn’t going about the situation correctly. 

I was still stressing about  _ everything,  _ just in silence though. Distracted, and a little bit curious, I opened my email and narrowed my eyes as updates from Oliver rolled in. TheShadeRoom had pictures of us from less than thirty minutes ago, just  _ out and about  _ together. BallerAlert had new angle videos from us getting Froyo, which made me laugh. I don’t know how many motherfuckers sneaked to get that, but  _ shit.  _ HollywoodLife was already claiming we moved back in together. I chuckled at that bullshit as I stuck my phone back in my pocket and grunted.

He was on his phone looking intensely into it too, which gave us pause. I was about to urge him to keep moving, and then his phone started singing to him, and I blushed immediately.

He had give her her own ringtone, already.

**“Ooh, my baby’s calling,”** Chris held his phone up, showing me a selfie of Celeste, which was his contact photo for her.

**“Hey boo, whussup?”** He cheesed into the phone as something inside of me started pulling me closer to him, and wrapping myself up in him in order to see the screen and fit in it myself.

**“Hi baby!”** I smiled, and she waved excitedly at me. 

**“Que pasa?”** She smiled widely at the two of us.

**“Where you at?”** Chris inquired as she turned the camera around and then back to her.

**“Outside waiting on Papa. Where y’all at?”**

**“Getting fruit at the Farmer’s Market, soaking up the sun, and just waiting to come and see you. We have just a little bit more work to do before we’re coming your way.”** He explained, and she smiled as she leaned into the screen, and smiled.

**“Okay, well, before y'all come, lemme tell you the stuff I wanna do first…”**

I was ready to go now, but, we still had a rewatch to finish, I had an interview with Complex, and a little bit of location scouting before I was ready to handle everything else. I was  _ home  _ though, and that took a little bit of the edge off of the whole ‘ _ what the fuck to do with any of these niggas _ ’ situation that I felt I would have to really fight. 

I mean…at the same time though, it’s been two weeks since  _ The Parlor _ , and I feel like I’m truly in the best position that I can be in. I’m with Chris, and we need to work on us. That’s really an integral part of working this entire situation out for myself, making it work for  _ me, _ when it comes to Mike getting the end results that he wanted out of us. It’s nothing i’m going to accomplish in a day, and I hoped he realizes that over time, this will take  _ work,  _ and it’s not just me doing this because I miss him, or any of the other selfish shit he’s probably thinking of since he’s not talking to me.

Fixing this is the one thing that’ll take the most work. This is the one situation that’ll come with the most complications in terms of explaining things, and things being revealed, and I’m not even talking about on screen with the show. This is the one thing that hasn’t been easy for me to really address in depth since  _ Supposed To Be  _ dropped, because those lil’ Team Breezy hoes think they know  _ everything. _

When shit that they had no idea about got out, they were _sick,_ and I know it’s still _the beginning_ of whatever the fuck people feel like putting out there. This was about to be really fucking funny to me, especially since unblocking him and unmuting him put me on to a bunch of hoes who really thought they knew me, knew _us,_ and they had no idea.

They weren’t the only ones constantly campaigning in my various mentions, trying to get blocked or befriend me though. Those that still didn’t understand what I was doing, like Tabria, for example, was sick about it too. I didn’t intend on letting Mike go, or cutting ties, and she only stepped in when I felt like I would need to  _ step out. _ She wasn’t the first person to be as lucky as to be my stand in, but she had surprisingly been around longer than a bunch of other females. I was over shorty a long time ago -- like, a  _ long  _ time ago, back when Mike introduced her as a friend when me and him weren’t even on anything at the time, and a few hours later, they had ended up fucking anyway, so it threw that whole spiel out of the window. 

If it wasn’t her, it was someone else, trying to inch in, with ties to some other nigga I’d been with and they would never be able to experience in capacity and range. All of the alphabet bitches that came behind me were  _ especially  _ high up on that list. It’s the same with Chris, really. A part of me knew that the circles this nigga indulged in would make the reintroduction of Kacestopher a really funny situation to endure if we were to ever get roped into some fuckery, and I was ready for all of the bullshit. 

I wasn’t necessarily trying to attract it, but, it had been long enough. It had been almost six fucking years of him to get all of the bullshit out of his system. We’ve had our fun. We’ve had our issues. Our fuck ups. Our tears. He wasn’t going through it alone, but his issues were extremely pushed into a negative light while I was able to sit back and cry and suffer in silence. I know that doesn’t mean that’s the end of the struggles either, but I’m living for better times to come.

I’m absolutely fucking certain that there’s nothing stopping me from beating anyone’s ass if they even come up to me the wrong way while I’m with him though. I probably won’t get physically violent, but I know how to use my words. I have too much to protect now, and I have to consider how I’ll handle any possibly issues. I know that some people can’t let go, and I know that these hoes will try it and I’m not really looking forward to it. Despite me campaigning for peace and knowing that all eyes are on me, just waiting for something to pop off, I know I have to go about certain things delicately, but, I also know that me punching a bitch in the face is a possibility as well, so… yeah. I don’t wanna take it there. I’m praying that I won’t have to.

I feel protected, warm, comfortable, and safe though, so I know I won’t have to worry too much about anyone else… and that’s a good thing. There were other good things about being back home, like the fact that while we were out together, I knew I exactly where I was going when I got done with things. I wasn’t the one wrapping up while trying to catch cues. I wasn’t looking around and looking stupid at the same time, checking my phone, trying to figure out what my next move was. I wasn’t mentally trying to figure out which road to take before I hit it, which exits to avoid, and which streets I didn’t need to go down. I wasn’t hesitating as I looked at my phone before really getting out of the place. I wasn’t silencing calls, I wasn’t uncertain at all. 

I knew what it would be like. I knew what I was getting into. I wasn’t second guessing anything. Everything I needed was right here. 

However, I watched someone else do exactly that. Funny the shit that goes through my mind solely because I just spotted one of his exes, and she saw me before she saw him, which put her whole plan to a halt. She hit a total about face and walked away in the opposite direction without as much as an approach.

It wasn’t like I wouldn’t have been cordial and said hey before we went on about our way. If anything, these bitches really need to  _ see  _ me to understand what’s going on. The paradigm is definitely shifting back to the shit that makes the most sense, and this time around, despite me basically being in an open, possibly polyamorous if I feel like I need to take it there, relationship, everyone still had their placement. 

I just wasn’t going to let Chris out of the equation, at all.

Shorty circled the stand she was near and dropped her head to shoot off a text, phone call, or something, ‘cause she kept looking back at us. I don’t even remember this bitch’s name -- and i’m good at names, and that’s how you know it wasn’t shit of major importance. I wasn’t going to open up my mouth and admit how it broke a little bit of my heart to watch it from where I stood though, ‘cause I knew this was  _ not  _ going to be the last time we had one of these encounters. These bitches are stupid at best to constantly try and inch their way back as long as they feel as if there’s an opening, but God, it’s going to be funny as hell when they are shown that it ain’t even a fuckin’ option anymore.

If it wasn’t for Celeste’s voice, I probably would have never looked away either.

**“Momma still there?”**

I was in my bag. I was. Because I’m a mother, and this is our child. Above anything else, I know I have to do what I do for the sake of her. I think he peeped that something was up too, because he gripped me close to him as he tilted his phone my way. 

**“Yerrrrrrrr,”** I laughed and smiled at the screen.

**“Yerrrrrr!! Hi Momma. I just wanted you to know the mangoes probably won't make it another week.”** Celeste explained as she held up a bowl of mangos, and I shook my head. Damned child gon’ turn into a mango…

**“You gon’ turn into a mango, watch.”** I teased as she shook her head and laughed at me.

**“No, I’m not.”**

**“Yes you are, we gon’ have to plant you somewhere so you can grow big and tall.”**

**“Just make sure I get some sun.”** She laughed, and I shook my head softly.

**“I’m not finna start with you today,”** I laughed as she smiled at me, and then tilted her head towards Chris.

**“Papa saved you some. He hid them from me. But, I’ma call you later. Okay, soooo…. Daddy, what are you gonna bring me when you come?”** Celeste asked on the other end of the Facetime call as Chris smiled and I scoffed, faking hurt as she laughed at me. 

**“Dang, it’s like that Star? Aiight, bet….”**

**“What do you want, CJ?”** He hasn’t stopped smiling since she called him.

**“Something… purple, something shiny, something… yellow, something else shiny. I like glitter. And, I like flowers. Find me something really pretty. I wanna take pictures!”** She’s demanding, just like I am. I smile as I tilt my head back into his shoulder, into the screen, and wink at her. She winks back, and I smile, satisfied.

**“Momma likes the same things. So, maybe you can find us both something pretty.”** She insisted, and he laughed.

**“Prettier than you?”** He asks, and she blushes, and nods. 

**“That might be hard.”** He hummed, and she laughed. 

**“Dadddddddy,”** She laughed, and I reached out and rubbed his ear as he wrapped his free arm around me, and squeezed, just a little. 

**“I don’t know what I can do with all that, CJ…”**

**“You gotta try! It’s a simple thing. The prettiest thing ever. Glittery. Flowery. Purple. Yellow. Shiny. No Lakers stuff, though. I’m not even asking for the entire world. It will make me the happiest girl ever.”** She encouraged him, and he nodded softly. 

**“That’s all I gotta do?”**

**“Well, you’re coming with Momma, so… I don’t need anything else to make me happier.”** She insisted as he nodded, and she sat back and pressed her hands against her face, and then rubbed her eyes, and shook her head softly. I knew she was about to cry, and I smiled and mouthed for her to chill as I fought the urge to do so too.

**“I gotta go. Papa taking me to Lolly’s. Daddy we gotta go to Lolly’s when you come! And that should be the first place we go, since I’ma see you in a week.”**

**“Yup, you only have seven days left.”** I reminded her as she smiled and held up seven fingers.

**“You already know I’m counting down. I love y'all to the moon and back!”** She was beaming, and I swiped my eye as I blew several kisses at the screen, and watched him smile at her before they finally ended the call, and I sighed softly.

She was taking this so much better than I thought she would. I think the excitement of having her Momma and her Daddy in the same place was putting her in the position to get the same foundation that I wanted. We spent a lot of time talking about the possibilities way before I knew they were even co-conspiring together to reunite us. She just wanted him in her life, and I understood that. I did too, and I knew what kind of price we’d pay for the situation to bind itself like we all wanted it to.

I was just glad he was so fucking here for everything I wanted.

He called her when we woke up again this morning, and she questioned us at first, but then tucked it away and told us how happy she was that we were ‘fixing it’ and that was that for her. I knew it was going to be something that needed to be more visual and physical for her than anything, and once she saw us in real time, it would be different. 

This was good enough though, for now. He smiled as he looked at me and pulled me into his side, and nodded softly as we locked eyes. I felt radiant. I hugged him close to me, and he knew it. He was beaming, giving me that crinkled eye look of pride and admiration, and I couldn’t stop reflecting it back at him, ‘cause I  _ knew  _ what was up.

**“There’s no question that Celeste is definitely your child. That was a classic ‘gimme this’ move if I’ve ever seen one before.”** He was still all smiles as I shook my head and my eyes drew around the market again, trying to see if I could still spot a familiar face. He drew my attention though, so I stopped looking, and focused on him in front of me.

**“You better start looking. Glittery, Flowery… prettiest thing ever, don’t sound bad. She even gave you colors. I know you can come up with something for all of us, including RoRo, which I’m glad you haven’t told her was coming yet.”** I kissed his lips softly as I stood, and he smiled as he gripped my hand, and enclosed it in his. He kissed the back of it and I looked down at him, and softly stepped back.

**“What?”** I asked as he wrapped his arms around me. He pressed me against his chest and my arms looped around his back, squeezing him just as tightly.

**“I’m in awe, she’s smart, she’s articulate, she’s empathetic, she’s funny, she’s…”**

**“Yours too.”** I gently kissed the underside of his chin, and then his cheek, and let him go.

**“We did that.”** I reminded him, and he nodded.

**“She’s ours. And no matter what, you’re always going to be a part of her, especially since there’s no more distance. We’ll take it from here.”** I softly spoke as I cleared my throat, and he looked down at me and ran his thumb across my cheek. I exhaled softly and smiled at him, and stepped back from him, letting his hands go.

**“We’re not going to cry about it. Just gonna do right by her, okay?”** I watched him nod as he wiped his own eyes, and I wrapped my arms around him again, and held on to his chest.

**“You’ll make up for everything. I know you will.”** I smiled as I let him go again after he dropped kisses to my forehead, and I stepped away from him as we walked back in the middle of vendors with a soft sigh.

**“Ready to go home?”**

**“Yeah, c’mon… let’s go.”**


	16. untitled, unmastered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> these metamorphic supernatural forces dominate what i see...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to me, this is a filler, that should have been an outtake, but surprisingly still keeps this entire 'long weekend' flowing... we'll be back to actual plot!substance tomorrow lol.

untitled, unmastered  | 15

**“I feel like we should be doing something else, but I don’t know what that something is,”** I admitted softly as I looked at him with my eyebrow up, wondering if he felt the same way.

We weren’t doing  _ shit,  _ but it only made me wanna go outside and just  _ do something.  _ I didn’t necessarily want to be out there in the line of vision to where people would make me uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to be out and act like I had something to hide either, and that probably was the only thing really stopping me from suggesting  _ anything  _ for us to leave for.

I was conflicted. And my mouth tasted like chocolate. And it was bothering me. I wanted something else, but I didn’t know what to ask for. I don’t even think I really knew what I  _ wanted.  _

**“What else do we need to be doing? We just… we’re chillin’ right now,”** He insisted as I pushed the charm to a close around one of my locs, and shrugged my shoulders slightly.

**“Something. I feel like we should take advantage of the daylight,”** I looked at him as he smirked at me, and shook his head a little. 

**“Your lil’ ass buzzing, huh?”** Chris inquired, and I shook my head. 

We’d only been home from the Farmers Market long enough for us to get settled and sit down, eat brownies that we shouldn’t be fuckin’ with, and space out, together. Michael doesn’t smoke but Don does, so that’s usually the only person I trust to get me like this, until… I remembered  _ this  _ was a possibility.

He kept trying to convince me that if I didn’t want to smoke when he got ready to, I didn’t have to, I appreciated the edibles waiting on him for the weekend left by someone, and I was ready to fuck it  _ up,  _ so I did. While this was meant to calm me down, and my anxiety following leaving the Farmers Market, it did, but as soon as I stopped moving, I wasn’t anymore. I wanted to be back outside, but didn’t know what to really  _ do  _ with that want to just be out there. 

**“Uhhhm, a little, yeah…”** He was all smiles as he shook his head at me, and I shook my head in return.

**“But, baby if you wanna go, we can go wherever you want to. But, can I finish your hair first before your ass pulls me back outside? Do you even know where we gon’ go now?”** He asked, and I shrugged. 

It was only Thursday, but like he just said, we could literally go  _ anywhere.  _

**“I just feel really good today. Like… things have stopped shifting to where I’m trying to figure things out. I feel like I’ve reached a point to where I’m looking at the situation with some new clarity, even before I tie up the issues with Mike. Since tomorrow’s my Complex interview, there’s shit that I know that’ll be brought up that I’ll be able to actually answer now.”** I smiled back at him as he smiled and bit down on his lip, which made me sigh softly.

**“So, your mind’s made up about what, this?”** He asked, and I shook my head softly.

**“What this, you and me this?”** I tilted my head back from him, and he nodded silently.

**“Oh, if you didn’t think you were my boyfriend again, I don’t know what kind of heavy shit you’ve gotten back into.”** I pursed my lips, as I waved him off.

**“That was never a question. You know when it comes to you, I’m simple. You want me, I want you, I need you, I fucking… stop, fix your face, let me finish,”** I smiled as I ran my hand down his face, trying to get him to stop smiling at me. 

**“You want me,”** He repeated, and I nodded. 

**“No, I need to hear you say it again.”** He instructed as I shifted where I stood, and smiled at him.

**“Like I said. I want you. I said I need you too, and we both know that I do. I know what I want, I know how to get it, and I’m not letting you go anywhere. I mean, you ain’t claim me in so many words the first time you did it, and the second time… that was an improvement, but we know what it is now, so why do I have to go about it all crazy for the third fuckin’ time?”** I narrowed my eyes at him as he chuckled, and didn’t say anything else.

**“You’re it. Always have. Always will. I’m not stupid and you’re not on fuckshit right now, so, we have to just keep going in a healthy direction. And i’m not finna keep fuckin’ repeating myself to you either… I want you in the same respects as I realized at twenty one. I can spend my entire fucking life with you right next to me, if you gon’ lemme do it.”** I told him, watching him lick his lips at me as I pulled myself up on the countertop and looked at him.

**“I’ll work in the fray strands as I need to, but for Christopher and Kacie, yeah.. We’re it. You and me are gonna get this shit together. And, we’re going to start really making us a stronger thing. We’re going to go places, and we’re going to bring our babies with us, and have more babies, be a real unit. I’m for real, I want to be a wife, like, I’m not bullshitting, and I shouldn’t feel stupid for thinking that we can really fucking be so much better for each other than we ever were before since we got all of our fuckery out of the way.”** I rolled the tension out of my shoulders as he rubbed them for me, and I sighed softly.

**“I love you and I have you in front of me. I’ve been dumb more than once before not to realize how important that is, ‘cause when your ass ain’t around, you really ain’t, and I’m not going to spend another fuckin’ minute being all out of sight, out of mind for your ass, even you and I both knew that was just some shit you was keeping up on the surface so the things in your head ain’t get to you, but that’s another discussion for another time.”** He stopped rubbing my shoulders then to throw his hands up, and I tilted my head at him to challenge me on what the fuck I said, knowing it was the truth.

**“All I’m saying is that, I’m here. I ain’t goin no fuckin’ where, and you stuck with me, and since we’re stuck together… I wanna do everything I never thought we’d be able to do, from the smallest of things, to the biggest fucking things… with you.”** I clapped my hands together, and he chuckled.

**“You good now? You got your progress announcement out of your system for the day?”** He teased me as I clucked my tongue, and sucked my teeth.

**“You know I hate it when you say I made it sound like an issue with my business, but it is an issue with my business, and muhfuckas need to stay out of it. That’s between me and you, but I know it’s between** **_them_ ** **just a little bit, so, I’ma give ‘em some shit to chew but that’s it.”** I shook my head softly as he smiled at me, and shook his head.

**“Hope you know I’m not gon’ be going around on some, my girlfriend, this is my girl, type shit. I’ve learned that when you know what you really have the intent to do, you can’t do nothing without being firm with those intentions. So, I’ma have to speak it into existence and just go straight for the throat, wifey.”** Chris insisted, and I pursed my lips as I looked at him, knowing he wasn’t bullshitting either.

**“You gotta propose first, before all that.”** I waved him off and he grabbed my hand, and started massaging it gently.

**“You know a nigga like me keeps something going. And, I also know, you always think you know what I’m tryna do, but you don’t. Not this time.”** He revealed as he stood up and walked over to the fridge, pulling out the Minute Maid carton that he had been drinking out of like it was a fuckin’ soda can, and I watched him the entire time.

**“All this big dick energy from Mr. Brown, I love it.”** I giggle as he grabbed at his crotch, and seconds later, I broke out into legit laughter.

**“Fuck on somewhere, Crotch!”** I continued laughing, and he grunted at me.

**“Shut uppppp, Kace, damn. But, listen, I know when I get ready, and throw the shit on you…you better be ready! You know how this is gonna end, but I know we got some shit to fix, so, I’ll take baby steps, alright?”** He appeared back in front of me and offered me the carton, and I shook my head as I watched him take it to the head, and throw it a few feet away until it landed into the trashcan.

**“Aiight, bet.”** I shrugged softly, and narrowed my eyes at him, just looking, with my mind going a fuckin’ thousand thoughts a minute...

**“Naw, don’t make it sound like you finna go hard just because of what we talking about alone, ‘cause I know how you get. You know whussup. I know what’s good, but you don’t know my plans to get us there.”** Chris insisted as I swallowed softly and pushed back on my elbows, too damned comfortable on the countertop.

**“Okay, but you not gon’ tell me what you plotting on, so how you know I can’t one up you?”** I asked, and he shrugged one shoulder, realizing that I could, but quickly shook his head at the thought.

**“We not on that right now. I just need** **_you_ ** **to get Mike on the same page. Let him know. It might be cool to consider having two boyfriends if that’s what you need to do to be able to stomach the way I make you feel, and the fact that his ass ain’t gon let you go, but he better know when he needs to stop fighting the fight.”** He insisted as he opened up a sleeve of Oreos and sat it down, which made me smile at him.

**“I can do that.”** I opened the package and slid a few cookies into my hand, and he glared at me.

**“And, since you’re just letting me tell you what to do, I need you** **to drop your hoes.”** He insisted, and I covered my mouth in shock.

**“You drop** **_your_ ** **hoes, the fuck?”**

**“I don’t need to, ‘cause I already did. And, I’m not gon’ sit around and wait on making my public moves on you, either. You know me good enough to know I’ve been tryna come up with something before we leave next week. Shit, maybe even tonight, just… I’m tired of waiting. I’ve been tired of waiting and I finally stepped up to you and started doing the shit I should have done, so… I won’t go crazy crazy, but… I’ll make sure to do just enough to let us get through the summer, first.”** He insisted as I sucked my tongue back into my mouth, and inhaled softly.

**“Now are** **_you_ ** **done rambling and tellin’ me shit that I already know you on?”** I asked, and he nodded at me.

**“Now, get down from up there and lemme get back to doing your hair.”** He insisted as he tugged on one of the braids in front of my head, and I whined a little I slid off of the countertop. I fixed myself on my feet again as he pushed me towards the stairs, and I clucked my tongue.

**“I forgot what you were sending me on a search for anywhere before I started talking shit.”**

**“There should be some Jamaican Island Oil in the bathroom closet if you look on the third or fourth shelf,”** He pushed me towards the stairs again, and I shook my head softly.

It didn’t take long for me to make my move upstairs and back down again, shaking my head in awe at the entire situation. I went and did exactly what he said and nothing more, ‘cause I knew there was no point. I knew I was gon’ flip the fuck out about it too, despite everything I just admitted, but once I did, I wouldn’t have to anymore, ‘cause I felt like more and more, I was getting a better understanding of  _ this.  _

**“I don’t know why I’m so surprised that you kept this shit,”** I reappeared back into the kitchen as I sat the Jamaican island oil on the counter and eyeballed him. 

He looked at me with his eyebrow up, and I shook my head softly.

**“This don’t make no damned sense.”** I sucked my teeth, and he refused to take his eyes off of my dramatics as I shook my head again, and piled it on  _ thick. _

**“You're a hoarder for all things that involve me. I got you all figured out now.”** I accused him with a straight face, and he laughed at me.

**“See, you can’t even deny it!”**

Chris continued to shake his head as I stood in front of him and planted my hands on his shoulders. I bit down on my lip as I watched him pick up his handwork, and silently instruct for me to turn back around. He’d successfully done couple of a long braids that made me smile at him. He wanted to play in my hair, which evolved into him wanting to do my hair, so he could be able to do the same on Celeste. 

As surprised as I was at first, I was all for it once he successfully braided a braid. 

I didn’t know what the hell he was going to be able to pull off, because he hadn’t attempted to  _ make me a bad bitch  _ in a long time, so I was hesitant. But, after he showed me a video of him putting two plaits in Royalty’s hair, I felt my cheeks warm up in admiration at the sight and got comfortable. I trusted him then, but I was already on the other side of the counter before he could come at me again, trying to cure my dry mouth.

**“Celeste just sent me a whole list of shit to do.”** Chris announced, and I wonder if he was watching the way my head popped up when his email alert sound went off. 

I swallowed down the rest of my Snapple Apple and my eyebrow went up as I walked over to him, securing myself between his legs once again. I was really getting my life off of this too, and went back to snapping him throughout the entire process. It had been a minute since I opened up the app, but I frequented it more than my other social media haunts, and it was easy to send to the people I wanted to keep in the loop. 

For a minute, I almost questioned why he’d been able to so easily steal this time away from me, ‘cause I know people were looking for him. They loved being underneath him, in his circle, just  _ around,  _ and it was nearing up on the weekend, so I know he was a necessity for certain people when they wanted to get out and enjoy themselves. He just said he didn’t wanna be bothered, and God, I remembered when it wasn’t that easy. 

I was lucky it was though. Only person pulled up on us today was Barry, very briefly, and he said he was _definitely_ coming back after he saw me in the kitchen and knew he wasn’t trippin’. I was hype about it. We ain’t seen each other since the last time Les and Maleah hung out, so we needed to talk about all of this, really. He also hugged me so fucking tightly that I had to punch him to get him off, and then he just _looked_ between me and Chris, and I fucking melted at all of it. 

I was still smiling about it, really.

So, while we were waiting on that, he said that wasn’t getting tired of me, and that was the main thing motivating me to stay up under him for as long as I could get away with. He smelled like peaches and a little bit of smoke as I smiled up at him as he passed me his phone.

**“Lemme see. Was it in English? I been tryna get her to flex her Spanish muscle, so it might be in Spanglish…”** I rambled as I looked at the email, and true to style, there were basic Spanish headings in the email that made my eyes cross.

She wasn’t asking for too much. There were seven things in the list, and two of which made me giggle as I kept reading it. I didn’t have too many expectations about next week, but  _ fuck,  _ I was very much anticipating how this was going to turn out, especially when we threw Royalty into the mix too… 

I was really getting hype as fuck about this.

**“Oh shit,”** I giggled, as he traced circles in my back that made me shiver. 

**“She wanna perform with you? She wanna like, deadass get up and sing with you? This the first thing on here, so she probably wants to do this more than anything.”**

I looked at him, and his restrained, smiling face, and smiled back at him.  **“We talked about it.”**

**“Oh, y’all talked about it, huh? What was this conversation even about?”** I was smiling way too hard as he laughed softly and shook his head.

**“Quit being nosey, Booda.”** He winked at me as his hands slid down my back and I continued hanging off of his knees. 

He continued massaging my scalp and finishing off another braid, and the sensation of his hands on any part of me just literally fucking liquified me, to be honest. I grasped at the ponytail and figured he could make another six long braids as I got comfortable again and felt his hands weaving through my hair. I glanced back down at the phone and continued reading out loud, much to his amusement.

**“She wanna have a backflip contest. That figures. She be tryna do fake karate, so she might try and kick your ass, just sayin’... She wanna make TikTok videos…”** I smiled fondly as he pulled the top of my hair into a tighter ponytail, and I sat still as I felt him make a bun on the top of my head, and didn’t move until I felt him pat my back. 

**“Oh, you done?”** I stood up and used my Snapchat camera to capture his handiwork.

I was actually in awe with what he did. He did a good ass job!

**“Oh what the fuck, you did such a better job than I would have thought you could do with my hair since it’s longer now, look at this!!”** I trilled as he laughed at me, and I looked at him, and back at myself in the snapchat camera, still shocked. I sat my phone down as I gently touched my hair, and smiled.

**“You got too much hair. I was gon’ have your edges on fleek, but you can do that. Gotdamn. CJ’s hair gon’ be just as much work, I’m sure.”** He sighed as I nodded and smiled at him.

**“Thank you my love.”** I kissed his lips softly and pulled back from him and gently slid his phone out of his hands again to resume reading the list.

**“But, back to this… she ain’t asking for too much… and, for whatever reason, she wanna teach you how to cook.”** My eyes lifted from the screen as I looked at him, and he locked eyes with me, staring hard.

**“How she know I can’t cook, Kacie?”** He asked, and I pursed my lips at him, then laughed.

**“You must be dumb as hell if you don’t think we don’t talk about you. She know you can’t cook. You can cook some stuff, but not like I can, or she can forreal, so, let her teach you. Start with toast.”** I was crying laughing at this point, and he snatched his phone away from me as I laughed harder and pressed my face against his chest.

**“Oooh bitch, I can just see this shit already. I’m finna be in the kitchen putting out all the toaster fires, watch.”** I pulled my face away from his chest and he rolled his eyes at me as I smirked.

**“Don't look at me like that.”**

**“You already know I’ll be putting out fire after fire.”** I narrowed my eyes at him, and he grunted at me as I took the phone back, and tried to hold it away from his grasp as I continued reading.

**“She wants to get matching tattoos? Matching tattoos? Booooooy, Celeste Jaylin better get the entire fuck on somewhere. We literally cannot be around anyone who even took ART 101 without her tryna get sharpie tattoos,”** I squealed as I looked up at him, and then back down at the screen with a shake of my head. 

**“We can get temporary tattoos. I know some spots.”** He insisted, and I shook my head, but my smile was still up to my ears just thinking about it.

**“Oh, the last thing is cute. She really wants some new family pictures, and to be honest, I do too.  I guess we all finna be glittery, shiny, yellow and purple then, huh?”** I smiled as he winked at me, and I shook my head. I wasn’t going to say anything else.

**“I’ll even let her be the creative director, so we don’t fight about it, and just go with the flow. I’m finna fucking cry though,”** I inhaled as he shook his head softly and smiled down at me.

I forgot he wanted to smoke until I watched him pull out his rolling materials and place it on the counter. I leaned forward and reclined against the counter to grab my phone, and started snapping us together briefly after I requested for Spotify to play something for me to twerk to. I could feel him watching me as the request kicked back with some Ying Yang Twinz, and I felt that beat in my entire body. 

He was getting a whole show for a good two minutes before eventually, his hands reached out to grab at my ass, and lift a cheek just because he could, which made me whine out softly.

**“Your second brownie musta kicked in,”** He chuckled behind me as I continued slowly writhing against the countertop, and wishing that it was him.

He was right, but I ain’t wanna move in front of him. I felt like I was about to start some shit though. I wanted to start some shit… but I didn’t want to set him off… 

I was plotting, though. I don’t think he needed to see my face to know it either. I was definitely feeling my mini brownies from earlier, and had a good buzz going that had me in a good place. I swiveled my hips justly in front of him as he smacked my ass, and I shook my head as I posted the snap and turned back towards him.

**“You gon’ start some shit, ain’t chu?”** He lowered my phone as I shrugged softly.

We hadn’t been  _ out  _ on anything yet by our own doing, outside of his Instagram posts, which ain’t do shit but confirm the fact that we were  _ somewhere  _ together. I knew that snaps would get around, but I wasn’t bothered by it at the moment. It was what it was. If Mike could be all cutesy on Instagram, your girl wasn’t gon’ try to intentionally one up him by posting on Snapchat, but at the same time, some part of me wanted to.

**“I ain’t even… doin’ nothing…”** My mouth had filled with saliva and I sucked it all back up as he licked his lips at me, and smiled then, showing me that he had stuck his top row back in, and I whined as soon as I saw it

**“Why you fuckin’ do this? You just be tryna get ya dick sucked. My mouth wet, you playing.”** I admitted, filter obsolete.

He just chuckled at me, and popped the button on his shorts as he looked up at me, and we locked eyes in another stare off. I didn’t move forward though. Last time I attempted to do so, on some impromptu, spontaneous shit, he hit the back of my throat way too quickly, but I recovered. There was no gagging, but I got distracted at some point by arching my back in the air, and so did he. Somehow we ended up with his boxers around his ankles, my foot tucked in the corner of the couch, just -- too much going on.

**“I swallowed it.”** I rolled my eyes at him, looking away first, and he smirked as he slouched on the stool.

**“Show me.”**

**“Boy, leave me the fuck alone…”** I stuck my tongue out and served him back for a brief second to grab my Snapple Apple, and turned back with my brow raised.

**“I thought you was finna roll up? Your ass got me being a real hoodrat baby momma right now,”** I sucked my teeth gently as he nodded like he remembered he was going to do  _ something,  _ and I shook my head at him.

**“I'm actually surprised you’re even doing this shit with me.”** He insisted as I continued to just look at him, and we locked eyes again. 

I think I was too far away from him with my back pressed against the counter though, and it surprised me just a little when he reached out and he tugged on my beltloop, and pulled me into a kiss. I pulled away from him as he hummed gently as he pulled his trash can closer, and then grabbed his rolling tray, which was obviously bearing the Black Pyramid logo.

I looked down at my phone, staring at a picture of Mike on someone’s Golf Course, and I sucked my teeth softly. Did he take Tabria to play mini golf? He got mini golf time now? Chris looked at me then back at the phone, and shook his head.

**“That nigga went Mini Golfing but still ain’t called? Trash.”** He questioned, and I rolled my eyes.

**“Fuck him. But, nah, I’ve smoked before, I just don’t really like it. You know that. Edibles are cool though, ‘cause ion’ smell like an ashtray or weed, and I still be on a good level, so that’s my preference. Mike likes cigars, and I… ion’ know, I like the way they smell, I’m just weird like that.”** I rambled as he listened to me, and nodded gently.

**“Y’all be smoking cigars on golf courses and shit, I never thought that’d be you.”** He commented as he watched me close the app, and I rolled my eyes in lieu of a response.

**“** **_He_ ** **smokes cigars on the golf course. I just sit back and talk shit, swing a few times, talk more shit, and dance around like a cheerleader in my tennis skirt and Lacoste, ‘cause I’m extra.”** I giggled again as I did an impromptu chickenhead, and Chris shook his head at me.

**“So, you’re not bored by just sitting here with me, eating edibles and smoking weed like a hoodlum, and watching Netflix until Mijo comes back? You wanna get out, but I don’t know where we could even go. Where you wanna go?”** He asked, and I shook my head no.

**“We don’t have to go anywhere** **_now,_ ** **we can go somewhere with B when he comes back. I just… this is cool. Wait. Did you just call yourself a Hoodlum?”** I craned my neck at him, and he shrugged.

**“I honestly thought you’d be bored since I really just be in the house, minding my business until I’m ready to go and do something. I thought this wouldn’t appeal to you anymore. I thought you’d wanna go golfing or fishing or something. You know he appeals to that Man vs Wild shit you like.”** Chris continued to talk shit about Michael as I clucked my tongue and rolled my eyes at him.

**“Shut the fuck up, you like the Man Vs Wild shit too. Mike just ain’t afraid of heights and will actually do the wild shit I be thinking of.”** I giggled as I turned back around to grab another Snapple because my mouth was dry as fuck again, and felt him looking at me.

**“Oh word?”** I did not respond to his tone by turning around, but I did drink the damned Snapple past the label.

**“You know I feel you staring, right? Whatchu lookin’ at Papicito?”** I questioned, and turned around to see him smiling.

**“You.”**

**“Meeeee? Why? What’d I do?”**

**“Nothin’... but, you look good, baby.”** He smiled softly as I stuck my tongue out at him and turned around back towards the counter in an attempt to grab my phone again. 

As soon as I moved, he moved too. He pressed his lips against my back, and nudged my head to the side with his nose. I fucking  _ love  _ when he comes at me like this, and it stopped me from moving as I flattened my hands on the counter and called myself pushing back at him, but he caught my ass and swiveled his hips behind me.

**“He don’t be on you like this, huh?”** He asked, and I huffed softly.

**“Ain’t nobody say that...”** I was basically whispering in the kitchen as he scoffed into my ear, and slid his hand up my stomach, and held me against his chest.

**“So tell me that nigga be doin’ some ole’ Bryant Gumble shit then, and you only put up with it cause you know he’s the safe choice. He’s everyone’s safe choice, ‘til the safe choice is just… too fuckin’ safe. I bet he don’t pull your hair hard enough whenever he is lucky enough to fuck, and that’s why you’re back home where you’re supposed to be anyway.”** He insisted, and I whined softly.

**“Oooh, you are talking big shit...”** I tipped my head back, trying to face him, and kissed him as soon as I could. He pulled my hair with the hand that wasn’t currently snaking up to grab my titty, and I panted softly.

**“If he pull your shit like this, I’ma fuckin’ kill him.”** Chris grunted as he kissed me on the mouth, and I shifted against him as I squeezed my thighs together.

**“Shut the fuck up…”** I panted as he tugged at his handiwork and hissed softly at me.

**“Shit’s longer now, I can really grab the fuck out of your hair now. Hmph. Lemme get you out this shirt, I’m tryna see how long it is forreal.”** He stopped himself and let me go as he shifted my shirt up, and pulled it over my head. I turned to face him with my mouth partially open, tryna inhale, and squeezed my thighs together as he trapped me between his.

**“You don’t wanna see my hair, you want my titties.”** I rolled my eyes softly, and he shrugged his shoulder softly as he looked at me, and ran his thumb over my bra covered nipple as my hips shifted.

I was trying not to start fucking panting as I looked at him, and he winked at me before disengaging from the hold he had me in, and walking away from me. I started fanning myself as I watched him just  _ walk away,  _ and sit down on the other side of the island, and going back to rolling up his blunt. I stood where he left me and folded my arms across my chest, just  _ livid  _ at him.

**“Yo, why the fuck you be doin’ me like this, Christopher...”** I frowned, and he looked up at me without saying anything, but motioned towards my shorts, and I put my hands on my hips.

**“Nah, I want you to do it.”** I insisted as he nodded, but didn’t come closer to me. 

I rolled my eyes softly as I adjusted the cups of my bra, frowned at how hard my nipples were, and pulled my shorts up by the belt loops and looked at him, just watching me. The eye contact made me arch my back where I stood as I licked my lips and just stood there. This silent fucking stare off was making me wet and I haaaaated this nigga for even making me fucking feel the way I did.

I was taken aback by this shit. Maybe ‘cause I was high, but I just… bruh, ugh. I was just on fire, for no reason other than the fact that I knew all of his looks and I knew exactly what he was on. We hadn’t gotten fried together since that night we were able to snatch up… and  _ that shit?  _

Tuh.

Fuck.

I knew how he was gon’ act, I knew he was finna start wildin’ solely cause he’d start thinking about the shit I did when we weren’t together. He was being habitual as fuck; wanting to bring up niggas I wasn’t even thinkin’ about right now, and I knew where it was gonna end up. Mild comparison, and a little bit of prodding would end up in some fucked up journey towards solidifying all of the things  _ they  _ could never do like him. 

He was already feelin’ some kinda way about Michael, and I knew it was deeper than what he was coming up with, but I wasn’t gon’ fight him on it. He just wanted to prove to me, or have me admit that he was it for me. That he was the top tier nigga, type shit…

Which meant he’d want to be in control, and I’d let him. I’d submit instantly, but not easily. I was just standing there, staring, wondering… could I take some Daddy Dom shit from him on day two? 

Ion’ think I could say no to it though… shit. 

Fuck. 

I licked my bottom lip before coming up behind him and sliding my hand up his back, which made his hands stop moving. He knew what I wanted just like I knew what he did, and I inhaled softly behind him before tugging at his shirt until I was taking it off of him, and kissing up his back until I got to his ear.

**“I just want you to know that you’re aggy as fuck,”** I clucked my tongue as I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my head into the crook of his neck, just watching him light up.

Honestly, I could think of several other things we could be doing right now, but this kept me where I was and in one place, so I wasn’t going to overthink it. He  _ was  _ aggravating though. One track mind havin’ ass boy… to this fuckin’ day. I couldn’t even stand in front of him for longer than a minute without him tryna feel up on ya girl, and as much as I missed it -- I really, really fuckin’ missed it -- I hoped he knew now that there was so much more to be obtained than physical activity between the two of us.

**“I just know what I want. I don’t always ask nicely.”** He insisted, and I rolled my eyes gently. 

**“Sometimes you don’t ask at all. It’s context and cues with you, like you’re on stage, but I get it. You motion and expect things to just happen. I do too.”** I explained as I let him go and pursed my lips as he stopped what he was doing to unbutton my shorts, and lick his lips at me.

**“Ion’ know how long we got until Barry comes back, but if you’re tryna get something to pop off before we’re both buzzing and high as fuck, I’ma need you to get up.”** I instructed as I kicked my shorts away from my ankles. His eyes remained on me as I collected them and my shirt, like he was in a trance. He probably was. I watched him bite down on his lip as I pulled away at the band on my hip, making it pop in the quietness of the kitchen.

**“You ain’t gon get up?”** I narrowed my eyes, and he licked his lips, just watching.

He didn’t say anything else, and I knew he was plotting. He just watched me as I rolled my eyes and served him back, even though I felt his hand extending to touch me. I wanted to be chased, though. He could dominate me for sure, but I could be a fucking brat too, and he knew that. Brat mode was about to be activated on some real shit. If he wanted to push there, I knew where I was going in the mood I was in.

I also wasn’t gon’ just stand in front of him, even though the thumping between my legs was telling me to be still. He bit down on his lip and shook his head at me like he was disappointed, but remained stiff as fuck on the stool, and I exhaled softly.

**“See, like I said, you’re aggravating as fuck, Daddy….”** I scoffed softly and looked up, just as I thought, his eyes were still on me. 

We called ourselves taking a  _ break  _ from acting like we’d just lost our virginities and only wanted to stay on top of each other, but that was  _ his  _ idea, not mine. He was deadass about truly working his way back into being gentle and soft and just loving on ya girl, but we were doing a  _ lot  _ of fucking, despite how he wanted to say we were  _ never  _ fuckin’, and I just… 

Yeah, okay.

I was smirking at my thoughts as I licked my lips and felt his eyes on my back, still. I walked over to the sink to busy myself with  _ something, anything, _ and grabbed a cup to get some ice water. It’s hot as fuck in here. I started swaying my hips to  _ This Is America  _ as it started playing, and I could hear him moving without turning around. He immediately stood up, making the stool scrape across the floor, and the music stopped.

I scoffed again and glared at him, not saying anything, but just watching. The music resumed after he tapped around a little bit on his phone, and Jodeci’s  _ Feenin’  _ started playing through the surround sound as he came my way, and finally stood in front of me.

**“You ain’t like that, huh?”** I looked up at him and he sucked his teeth softly, and I pressed my lips together.

**“Pay attention to me.”** He urged softly, and I glared at him.

**“I am. Who else is there to focus on, love? Estas celoso?”** I raised my eyebrow as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against his chest.

**“No. I’m definitely got jealous of the other niggas.”** He raised his eyebrow back as I sucked my teeth gently at him. 

**“All three of my eyes are on you, okay? You already know what’s up.”** I sighed softly at his difficult ass and kissed his lips, and pressed up to kiss his forehead.

**“No, I don’t. Not from your perspective. And, to be honest, I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to hear it.”** He finally admitted, and I rolled my tongue around my lips as I kept my eyes on him, and just let him talk.

**“It’s different hearing about it, ‘cause niggas don’t know you like I know you. It never surprised me that you fucked around with Mike. That honestly… that was my one, aiight, yeah, like Robyn was your one aiight yeah for me, y’know what I’m saying? I get that more than anything. But, Donald Glover? And you still never even told me what the fuck you and Cudi got into… to where you’re still being talked about, like, what the fuck did you do? I never expected there to be any niggas in between me.”** Chris explained, and I knew he meant it, but what was I supposed to say in response to that?

I knew better than to say what my filterless mind was thinking though, ‘cause it would turn into an argument and we were doing  _ good  _ and if we kept doing good, I’d be rewarded with some good dick and pretty sure anything else I could think of, so I pushed it to the back of my mind and pressed my lips together for a minute, trying to reroute my thoughts.

**“You don’t even want me to say what I’m thinking on that note. We did what we did and we got it out of our systems, so, I don’t see a reason to be pressed about anybody else.”** I narrowed my eyes at him as he scoffed lowly and ran his hands down my naked back until he got to my ass, and gripped me into him, connecting us at the middle.

**“Who said I was pressed?”** He asked, whispering sharply into my ear, and making me moan in response.

**“Hmm? I’m not. Just thinking too hard about your other niggas, unfortunately.”** He admitted as I pulled back from him and pressed my fingers into his chest, and rolled my eyes softly.

**“Ion’ even be worried about nobody else when you’re on the brain. It’s been easy to just block other motherfuckers out, even if they’re in front of me and you’re not. Ion’ know why I always gotta convince you of this. It’s ridiculous as fuck how this one lil’ insecurity just won’t fucking resolve itself…”** I forgot I was in nothing as I instinctively reached for a shirt that wasn’t there, and rolled my eyes as he caught me doing it, and shook his head softly.

**“You tryna strip and already naked. Look at you.”**

**“Shut the fuck up,”** I laughed as I pushed away from him again, but got caught up in his tattoos, and tracing them with my fingertips as he ran his fingers down my arms.

**“So, I make you feel different than them other niggas then, huh?”** He asked, and I nodded softly and stopped tracing his tattoos to grasp at his belt loops and pulled him into me. I was way too touchy right now, and held my hands stationary at his sides like I’m finna yank ‘em off… 

I just might, really.

**“How many times we gotta talk about the way you make me feel, Daddy? Can’t even put that shit into words sometimes. Do I have to try?”** I asked, still holding on to the sides of his shorts, but pressing my body against his, cause it felt good as fuck.

**“Yeah, you do. I definitely want you to stop talking shit and try.”** He insisted as his hands slid down my back, and slowly grabbed my ass.

I only had to think about it for a hot second.

**“When I’m wit’chu, I feel like I can’t breathe, but in a good way, and when you look at me, I just wanna fuck the shit out of you, like not even all the time. I just love being close to you and I love when you wrap your arms around me and hold me, ‘cause I feel so fucking safe and so fucking loved and even though I have that same feeling of security with Mike, and shit, even similarity with Don, this right here, just… can’t be beat.”**

Yeah, I was high as fuck…. 

It made sense in my thoughts, but out loud, it sounded like a monologue that went at two words per second. I was clutching on to his sides and he was just staring down at me, showin’ off those damned fronts, and making my insides twist.

**“Stop letting me stand in front of you and sound like a dumbass.”** I frowned, and he shook his head gently at me.

**“You’re not.”** He was still smiling, and I pressed my lips together and melted when he pressed his lips against mine.  **“And, I know you’re not done talking, either, so…”**

I wanted to fucking fight him every time he smiled at me, ‘cause he fucking  _ knew  _ what he was doing, and he was setting us both up for failure, ‘cause as soon as I started buzzing, I wasn’t even gon’ remember this shit. Sex with him was gonna be a whole out of body experience by that point, and everything was already setting me off, so…

**“I’m thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’ bodied right now, I don’t really know what else to say…”**

**“Think. I’m tryna pick your brain but yo ass ain’t cooperating, Kacie. When you didn’t have me in your arms, how’d you feel? I know you love when I hold you,”** He prodded, gripping me tighter, and I whined softly.

**“Just to think about when I didn’t have this…. I felt cold. Froze. Iced out. And, the lucky motherfucker at the moment was attempting to help, like y’know like when they take animals to the zoo and they don’t have their parents and they gotta cope with stuffed animals? They were like that. Those niggas were stuffed animals in comparison.”**

**“Baby, you are high as fuck.”** He chuckled, and I narrowed my eyes at him as I pulled back and grabbed my cup of ice water, and bottomed it out.

**“I mean all of those words! You give me warmth and fire and all that good shit. And the fire never needs to go out, ever. I mean, you even let me put the fire out. Why the fuck you let me do that?”** I asked, and he shrugged his shoulders, like he even knew what the fuck I was referencing to.

The funniest thing about being here with him is that we’re not doing shit. We’re really, honestly not. He’s not the boring type, and neither am I, and together, we usually tend to end up in trouble together when we’re out, and it’s one of the things I missed about him. I tend to not really compare the men I’ve been involved with to each other, especially since this is honestly the only man I’ve ever seen myself really  _ with  _ other than Michael, but the comparisons are wild when they do cross my mind.

He just knows how to put them into words.

He’s safety and he’s chaos. He’s danger and he’s peace. He’s love and he’s complications. We aren’t like anything else, he’s not like anyone else, and I don’t even really like gassing his head up about it, but it’s all I’ve been doing for the last hour or so, since he randomly wanted to talk about my  _ other niggas. _

**“You be fuckin wildin’ but I love you, cause my other niggas? They don’t wild out like you do, baby.”** I sucked ice into my mouth as he looked at me, and shook his head.

**“Your lil’ ass hot, huh?”**

**“Hot as a muhfucka, like I’m not basically naked. You ain’t hot?”** I asked as he shook his head, and I whined softly as I watched him press a button on his phone, and the air immediately kicked on.

**“Ohmifuckingod, thank you.”** My brain was saying to drink more water, so I did, getting it from the dispenser on the outside of the fridge again, and pressing my back into the sink as I looked at him.

He smiled at me, and I smiled back. My smile was real. It was up to my ears, like it’d been the last few days, and I was definitely fried, and stuck. I hadn’t moved when my cup was down to the ice, and I was just standing here, staring at my phone, which was too far from me, but I wanted to have it in my hand more than I’d wanted to in the last couple of weeks for whatever reason.

I didn’t go towards it though, but he had gotten up, coming in my direction again, preparing for another shotgun. It was drawing me away from analyzing my inbox too, so that was good. I needed that distraction.

**“You too quiet. What’s up?”** He gets kissed on his neck and his cheek before I get to his lips, and then push back against the sink, and just  _ stare. _

I take a cue from him, and point at him.  **“You.”**

**“What about me?”** He passes me the blunt and I hesitate for a minute before he realizes what he’s doing, and chuckles before drawing it back between his lips.

**“I know you don’t wanna hear about my other niggas, but they ain’t you, nigga. They ain’t my fuckin’ baby, they ain’t… all this.”** I motioned up and down his body as he smirked at me, eyes lowering.

**“They ain’t.”** He insisted as he inhaled sharply, and blew smoke towards my face again.

**“You right, and on God, this? This right here? Tuh…”** My hands curved down to his crotch and he stuck his tongue out at me as I shook my head and swallowed more watery ice down.

**“I swear, you fine as fuck… I put that on my Momma, real fuckin’ talk… oooh just fuckin’ look at you!”** I tugged at his shorts as he laughed and threw his hands up to give me a modest spin, and I dusted his shoulders off. 

I broke out into laughter at his stupidity as he started swaying, and I shook my head at him as I tried to walk away from him. He wouldn’t let me though, and he snatched me back up and blew the smoke into my mouth as I inhaled sharply and exhaled through my nose. He put the end of the blunt out in the sink as I finished off my ice water and side-eyed him.

**“I’m really all about you. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here. So, just stop acting like I ain’t.”** I insisted as he nodded and kissed my forehead, my nose, my lips, and kept going down until I made him swerve his head away.

**“Christopher Maurice. Stop it.”** I grunted as I took a few steps back, and he followed. 

**“Nigga… bye, gone, leave me ‘lone,”** I giggled as I kept moving out of the kitchen and looked back at him before my brisk walk turned into a run, and I collapsed on top of my beanbag.

**“What, you don’t think I can fit on here with you?”** He spoke into my neck as I whined underneath him until my hands were free, and my legs were wrapping around his back. 

He relaxed on top of me and started kissing my neck as my hands were dragging down his back, and I hummed softly and got comfortable where I was. The velvet underneath me felt good as fuck, and he started to rub my hips and slowly tried to get my underwear off. I hummed lowly and shifted up, not liking the way his shorts felt against me. My hands grasped desperately at them, and he grunted as he pulled back, trying to fix the issue.

**“Baby, take ‘em off. Take ‘em off, take ‘em off, take ‘em off… please…”**

**“I’m buzzing like a motherfucker,”** He admitted as he wormed away from me to get his shorts off, fucking finally, and I knew that feeling. 

Me too, really.

Bare skin connected with bare skin, and seconds later, the only thing on my mind was how long we could be on the bean bag before we rolled over on the floor together. 

**“We not gon fall,”** He insisted, seconds before we definitely nearly did.

**“This is why I don’t fucking listen to you. Throw me a couch pillow, and get back over here.”**


	17. question of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So what is the answer to the question of you  
> What do I look for, what shall I do?  
> Which way do I turn when I'm feeling lost?  
> If I sell my soul, now what will it cost?  
> Must I become naked? No image at all?  
> Shall I remain upright? Or get down and crawl?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really should make a playlist for this. I will, and link it later. thanks for the hits. I appreciate them all. the semester is over, so expect twice a week adds starting now. thanks again!

The Question Of You **| 16**

**“So, we’re going back to finish the season out tomorrow after my complex shoot. It’s only five episodes left and I was thinking once we got done with that, I could show you my ideas for season two, and some things I've been working on.”**

I _hated_ when he looked at me like he did. When he was into what I was saying, and he wanted me to talk about _everything_ I was thinking of, he always looked at me the same way. He's easy to read in this fashion. I know when he’s into the conversation. His lips always turned up into a smile, and his gaze focused in on me, and nothing else. It was intense as hell, but I knew he was really taking it all in, and really listening to what I was saying, and it meant a lot to me.

We had been discussing a loose plan for Friday, because we knew it’d be a busy one. The weekend would be all we had left before I was heading back home with Mike, until we’d be set to go back to Virginia on Friday night, so we’d make it out and surprise Les by the time she woke up. I was hype about him seeing me at work though, even more than I had ever been before.

 **“I just wanna watch the rest of the show first. I’m tryna get into the moment and your flow, but I know you’ll pull me there.”** He explained.

The shoe was on the other foot now for so many reasons, and I knew he was proud of me, but I wanted him to know it could be so fuckin’ beneficial for him too. I was slightly shivering at the excitement of the path I had started to work out for him in my mind, and how it could shift into an _us_ thing if it was the move he really wanted to make.

Baby was _all for it._ He was making me blush as he softly rubbed my shoulders as I sat between his legs, and rested my head against him. He’d spit out a little bit of encouragement, not hold back on his excitement, and get me to be just as excited in return, because we both knew how into the situation I’d get once I started plotting, and having him come on as Older Dante was going to really kick some shit off that made my stomach flutter with excited butterflies before I even got into the role as it was.

 **“I know you haven’t seen me working in a long ass time, but don’t be surprised if you see me get into this mode where I’m really into things. Like, ignoring the things around me into what I’m doing, ‘cause to be honest, it’ll take a minute for me to snap out of it. You know that I get really into my work, but this is so much different than writing about what’s hot.”** I explained, and he just smiled as he looked at me.

 **“For real Baby, I get into like… mecha mega super hyper force go mode on the set, and behind the scenes.”** I told him seriously, widening my eyes for dramatic effect. He just laughed at me.

 **“Which also means you forget about the stuff around you, run yourself into the ground, but you’re being productive, so you feel accomplished.”** He hit the nail on the head as I nodded gingerly, agreeing in silence.

**“I forgot sometimes you know what you’re dealing with already.”**

**“Yeah, which also includes making sure you’re remembering to take care of yourself, and not just what’s demanding your attention at the moment. I‘m honored to be asked to witness it, and be a part of it though, ‘cause I wanna be able to play my part in all of this. And, to remind to you drink water, eat something, and pee. You ain’t finna be locking yourself up in your work while I’m around, you hear me?”** He dropped a kiss on my lips, and I shifted against his chest.

 **“I wouldn’t want you to anything less than that, ‘cause even though Liv has my back, sometimes he doesn't know when to step in to tell me to sit down for a second. Gimme another kiss.”** I softly requested, inhaling softly as he dropped another soft kiss to my lips, and stroked my neck gently.

 **“Mmmm… gimme one more.”** He asked as we pulled back. I smirked briefly as I wrapped my arms around him, and pecked his lips gently, which made his lips turn up into a smile as he pressed his forehead against mine and we met in another.

 **“Okay, last one.. last one..”** I giggled as he squeezed me. Chris was in an absolute _mood_ as he pulled me up on him and he tucked his arms around my back, and kissed me until I started biting on his bottom lip.

 **“I love you.”** He smiled, and I winked at him.

**“I love you more, babe.”**

He stroked my back as we just laid on the couch, and his fingers started tracing circles in my back. I was excited as hell to have him back in the office, and even more so when we got to the studio space. He was too, I could tell. After some resonating silence between us, he finally turned the TV on, went straight to HBO, and tried to watch episode five.

 **“No, you don't get sneak peeks! Damn, what did I just tell you? Everyone needs to see your authentic reactions, not just me.”** I insisted as I rolled my eyes, knowing there could be a thousand other things that we could watch right now.

I knew I had started something talking about the show, but I wasn’t in the right state of mind to continue to fuel his excitement about it though. I was just comfortable where I was, and I knew talking about work would get me even more hype, which would eventually get me off of the couch, and trying to break into the office to see if I could use anything in there, set it up to my liking again, or _something_.

But, I ain’t wanna get into all of that right now.

Even though my previous high had waned off, and we’d had a nap and were comfortable now, I was just trying to stay comfortable. So, instead of letting him get more than a few seconds into the episode, I batted the remote out of his hands and slid it into my shirt. Chris laughed at me as I started pressing buttons that I wasn’t even looking at, and we both watched in surprise as the screen landed a few channels away, and we caught the intro of Thor: Ragnarok instead.

 **“Ohh, this one was funny as fuck to me.”** He revealed.

 **“Thor’s my new favorite, by the way. Just wanted to keep you current.”** I pressed my head against his chest and he laughed softly as he ran his hand up and down my back.

 **“Not The Hulk anymore? This surprises me.”** He inquired, and I shrugged softly.

He held a smile, reminding me of the six years I spent beating his ass with Hulk Gloves, wearing Hulk Tees, being surprised at him painting a giant Hulk in his bedroom for me, and drawing Bruce’s angry face over anything I sat in front of him long enough. I’m still surprised to this day that I don’t have a Hulk related tattoo, but I should fix that. I snapped out of it when he tilted his head at me, and I pushed it away from me.

 **“Man, they be doing my baby dirty. Dir-tee, you hear me?”** I shook my head as he laughed at me.

 **“So you just jumped to Thor? Why you ain’t commit to ya man, Kace? Was it the abs? It’s the abs, huh?”** He teased me as I clucked my tongue and shook my head no, but it helped.

I was still in shambles following the first part of Infinity War, which, I had literally only seen _twice._ The premiere event was beautiful as Michael and I were on the red carpet together, and I immersed myself in the tireless companions that created an empire that I would absolutely _love_ to make my way into, somehow. The second time was a different experience though, a family affair between Omari, Oryan, my little sister, Jhene, and all of our kids while we were in Brooklyn together. I spent the entire time of the movie in shambles, still.

That whole movie had me _fucked up,_ but… whew, fuck. I couldn’t wait to see how it would all be tied up, even if I still had a year to go, and a couple of more movies in-between then as well.

 **“Listen, my nigga Bruce was still going through some shit, okay? He’s still in my heart. But, Thor… he resonates with me.”** I explained, and he just nodded at me.

 **“He resonates.”** He mocked me as I punched him in his arm and resumed the comfort I had found myself enjoying way more than anything else I could think of at the moment.

We watched the movie in relative silence as he kept thumbing the necklace he’d convinced my daddy to make him _ages_ ago, and that comforted me. There were pieces I remember wanting years back, lined up in my closet, which wasn’t the complex mess of rows that his was. I intended on wearing each and every one of them, including those four gaudy ass rings, some what would be assumed vintage Melody Eshani earrings, and the best pair of real gold, heavy as fuck name plate bamboo hoops, which read “booda and bop” on some real ghetto shit.

Come to think of it, I had a lot of early pieces I had gotten that first summer after we’d met in New York that bore “Bop” all over it. Omari did _not_ like that shit. Daddy didn’t either - he bought me the authentic gold name plate necklace and ring after he saw the ones I’d gotten from Harlem with a chuckle. Chris was the one to give me the earrings, and I remember fondly snatching some studs I had in my ears out to put them in, pull up my locs, and dance all around the spot back in Harlem as he sat back and just watched me, beaming at me.

So, I had a name plate necklace, a ring, and earrings, _somewhere_ in here _,_ and I needed all of that to come out of retirement. He started softly insisting how he was going to get my Daddy to make me something real nice for something he was planning on, and I just rested and listened, and rolled my eyes softly as I swallowed down my smile.

 **“I think you’re reading my mind. I was just thinking about finding all my bop jewelry. You remember those? That shit used to have you hard as fuck when I was on it… but, I mean.. You could go downstairs right now and find me something just as** **_foncy_ ** **instead of tryna get my Daddy in on whatever you’re scheming on. When’s the last time y’all even talked?”** I wedged myself between the couch and his side now, and turned to get him to look at me.

 **“It’s been a minute.”** He explained, but I knew in my heard that there was _way more_ to the story than just _it’s been a minute._ I knew then that a call would definitely have to be made _before_ we went out there, but I wasn’t gon’ get any deeper into what my intuition was telling me.

 **“You sound like you’re fuckin’ plotting incahoots with my Daddy too. Are you? I feel like maybe I need to start plotting as well, ‘cause ya’ll got me fucked up…”** I pursed my lips as I shook the thought out of my head and tried to regain that previous comfort, wondering what he was up to, but knowing that he wouldn’t tell me.

Without indulging in my curiosity about the situation, he shrugged softly and then seconds later, pulled me up to be in front of him again. I slapped his hands softly as he started tickling me, and insisting that I fix my face, which made me poke him back, and we ended up a flailing mess of limbs and hands as he kissed the back of my neck and wrapped his arms around me again, and focused on the TV screen.

 **“Barry gon’ give you shit when you put those earrings on.”** He spoke softly as I giggled in response.

 **“I know. He just gon’ have to deal. I’ma wear it all too. Speaking of B, he hit you back up about that 2000’s party yet?”** I asked, recalling the reason why Barry had popped up earlier in the first place.

 **“Not yet, but we’re going.”** He insisted as he kissed me on the neck again, and I smiled.

I love it when a good plan comes together, because I knew sitting in the house all night for a second day wasn't going to do anything but get me fucked on every surface in between all of the admiration he was giving me, but I wanted to push today. We were already out earlier. I wanted to keep that momentum going even though I haven't explained myself.

I wanted to, had to, re-adjust myself when it came to being out there with him. I wasn’t just a bitch who could duck off and go back to campus and act like things were casual as fuck when we weren’t out rubbing elbows with Diddy anymore. Now, I’d be the bitch eyeballing Diddy and reminding him that I wasn’t going to his spot in Miami with him anymore, ever, if I was drunk enough, and get a lecture on forgiving Chris as a man in return. It wouldn’t be the first time we had that conversation, but I wasn’t trying to go back there once I knew we’d be arm in arm with each other in his presence again.

I was working my way up into finding comfort in it as we rebuilt our chemistry past the realization that we hadn’t changed much, and still knew how to effectively get each other off, but what did it look like from the outside in?

I wanted to know, now.

 **“I know him** ! **He’s a friend from work!”** Both me and Thor shouted at the crowd and Jeff Goldblum’s perplexed Grandmaster, and Chris grunted behind me, and pushed one of my braids behind my ear before leaning into it.

**“How many times have you seen this?”**

I turned my head to look at his reaction when I admitted, **“Fourteen, I think?”**

**“Oh, I’m definitely changing the channel then.”**

**“How you just gon’ change the channel like I’m not into this?”**

He rolled his eyes at me and seconds later, slid his baby soft hands up my shirt, and caressed my stomach and my titties, foregoing the remote to pinch my nipples, until I started throwing my ass back at him. As our hips rolled against each other’s, he distracted me enough to pull the remote out of my bad hiding spot. I whined as he turned the channel immediately, and my whines turned into laughter as we ran right into The first Iron Man movie.

 **“It’s obviously meant for us to have a Marvel ass time.”** I insisted softly as he scoffed behind me.

I remembered us going to see Iron Man on a date back in ‘08 before he turned twenty. I also remember us having to go see that movie again, ‘cause we paid more attention to each other in the dark than really watching it. It was one of those weekends where he was _off_ from whatever the fuck he had gotten himself into, and I wanted to lock myself in with him forever and I did, extending my weekend with him to a full week. That whole series of events eventually led to me not even passing that semester, but we won’t go back there. He hates when I bring that up too, but damnit, I still graduated, so whatever.

I think he knew what I was thinking about as he mushed my head back into the couch after eyeballing him wearily, and collapsing his weight on top of me as he placed his head on my chest.

 **“Start blaming me for failing your spring semester and watch how I bite you,”** He threatened, and I giggled as I stroked the back of his head.

**“Shut the fuck up, I ain’t even have to say it. You read my mind. I’m thinkin’ about the weekend as it was, not the way you had me fucked up in more ways than one.”**

**“This was a dope ass date we had when we first saw this though. And if I woulda known I was gonna spend a whole week with you instead of a weekend, I promise I would have been more prepared.”** I knew where his mind was at, and I tugged at his ear to gently press my lips against his.

 **“Yeah,”** My voice had dropped a few octaves as he chuckled at me. **“You used to be able to pull off some nice lil’ surprises for your baby.”**

 **“Oh, I ain’t done. You know I ain’t done. You ain’t seen nothing yet,”** He insisted, and I chuckled softly.

**“I just bet I haven’t.”**

His promise was sealed with a silent kiss to my cheek. He didn’t say anything else though, and as the movie progressed past the intro, he locked our fingers together and kissed the back of my hand, and I closed my eyes softly to stop from fucking melting.

I swear me being here right now is no mistake. Not a mistake at all, as my mind would believe it to be for some reason only than that we should have been _here_ long ago. Tony’s rambling in the background of me staring at the side of Baby’s face makes me focus in on his neck, his composure, the way he kept pulling up our hands so he could kiss the back of my hand, and comfort was very clear in his body language. It was like his shoulders hadn’t sagged once, dipped once, no frowns, nothing…

It was making me happy to just see him like this, y’know?

 **“Stop squirming, babe. You know as soon as you get all wiggly and wormy, I tend to wanna grab. When I start grabbing, clothes start ending up on the floor. Then, you start coming hard at a nigga, and I might not pull out.”** He plainly responded, and I chuckled nervously as I looked back at him again.

 **“You don’t pull out** **_anyway_ ** **, so shut the fuck up. You haven’t since…”** He looked up at me as I pushed him in the head, and laughed. His smile shrunk into a smaller version of itself at the memory it triggered. He was thinking about the one time that mattered more than the others, and I was too.

 **“Never, nigga. Like really, never, maybe like the first few months, but after the first two you ain’t ever want to again.”** I shook my head softly as I looked down at him.

He winked at me before aligning us again, and then leaning in and cupping my chin to pull me into a soft kiss before turning back to the movie and squeezing me a little tighter.

 **“As long as you know. I had a lot of practice to figure out what I gotta do to get my junior somehow.”** He insisted softly as I shook my head at him, already hip.

 **“No comment, asi que no empieces,”** I waved him off as he sucked his teeth and muttered some strings of spanish words that made no sense into my ear, and made me laugh at him. Once he started kissing my ear though, I was ready to square up.

 **“Shut upppp, I cannot hear the TV!”** I giggled as fought my way out of his trap. After a bit of struggling, I moved away from him and stretched out on the further end of the couch as he sat up on the other end, allowing me to stretch out and put my feet in his lap.

 **“Why are you running? Why are you running?”** He inquired in a hard african accent, and I groaned softly as I made my heels come down hard on his thighs in lieu of wanting to kick him.

I rolled my eyes gently as he started running his fingers across my ankles and the tattoos there, and then started to spiderwalk up my calves. He was attempting to distract me, but I wasn’t falling for it. We could never just _sit_ and chill, but he was gonna give me this, damnit. He was gonna let me breathe and relax.

 **“You act like you ain’t never seen this. You’ve probably seen this one twenty times.”** He grunted, as I mocked him. He lifted my leg and scooted down towards me, and started massaging my thigh.

 **“Am I supposed to react just ‘cause you touching me?”** I looked back at him, and he scoffed softly as he dug his fingertips into a particular kink in my thigh that made my head drop into my arms that were folded underneath me. I suppressed _one moan_ and I could already feel his dick getting hard underneath my knee.

 **“Reaction is based purely on the instinct to bring it to the fore, grasshopper.”** He stated sagely, and I clucked my tongue at him.

 **“You don’t wanna be inside of me or up under me that fuckin’ bad. Although… you have admitted a couple of times that you could just live in there.. why you actin’ like we gotta make up for years of not fuckin’ each other in one weekend though is ridiclous. I ain’t going nowhere. Lemme watch the movie.”** I insisted softly as he chuckled and tugged on my foot, which made me roll my eyes.

Eventually, he’d move like I needed him to be, whether I motioned for him to get back on top of me, or behind me, it was just all a matter of time. He was really driving me up a wall, just wanting to be a fuckin’ barnacle, but I was gonna let him. I missed this part of him that just wanted to envelop me in his arms or legs or _something,_ not wanting to let me go.

It had been so long enough between us being around each other that since that first hug in the middle of The Parlor, he squeezed me with all intentions of a man who committed every curve and dip of my body to memory, and he was going on a journey down memory lane. Once we hit a point in which we stopped being impulsive and our interaction burned off all of the lusty intentions, I probably _would_ end up having even better physical intimacy with him when it came down to it, ‘cause it meant _so much more_ now.

He shifted after a little bit, moving my legs off of his lap for him to stretch out behind me again, and tuck his hands protectively between my thighs as I rested my head against his chest. He was the best big spoon, cause if he was in front of me again, I’d be kissing and licking his neck and sliding my hands up and down his back like I ain’t got no restraint.

He’d drop occasional kisses on my ear as we watched the movie, and roll his hips against me, not for stimulation or anything, but he had to work himself back into the familiar but different frame in front of him. He kept making comments about me being thick and wanting to watch me throw it back for him, which eventually led me to trap his legs within my ankles and neither of us to move.

I started a mental countdown before he was trying to make me cum again, so I wasn’t even going to hesitate to get comfortable. We’d probably end up falling asleep here again, really. I knew it was going to be _awhile_ before we got back out in the streets later, so I was definitely going to need a power nap before that.

Before Celeste, this was really all we did when we were around each other and didn’t want to really do anything else anyway. We’d be cuddled the fuck up, there’d be music or a movie or _something_ to entertain us, we’d fall into each other’s presence, and it’d be hard to back away from it whenever we had to part, and I didn’t have a problem falling back into that old way of functioning.

God, there were nights when were eighteen and nineteen in which we just fucking blocked out _everything_ to be next to each other, kissing each other every few words, gripping each other close, and promising and planning out our entire futures together, and we’re back on our same bullshit with this 3.0 version. Third time’s truly the charm, ‘cause I know I’m not doing anything else but getting what I deserve, and happiness with the one person I know who knows me inside and out… it’s worth making things balance over.

Yet, part of me wondered if now, with completely different situations surrounding us and the time we were spending together right now, if we were both just using this kid-free, locked up in the house, not really doin’ shit but eating, smoking, and having sex, total blackout from basically everything for real, just a distraction…

Probably.

I could feel my phone buzzing. I stashed my work line in the couch like a few hours ago, when Julian started calling me. We chopped it up for a minute, but, it didn’t really get anywhere. No, wasn’t really sure if I needed another outfit change for tomorrow. No, I wasn’t trying to have a photoshoot in the office for any of the 2009 shit, but I liked the idea. No, I wasn’t tryin’ to have him come over so he could see the relic that was my pristine time capsule of a closet from ‘08 until now…

He was giving me big shit for trying to get him off of the phone, but told me he had something major for me when we’d see each other tomorrow. I apologized gently for being no where near in tune with work at the moment, but he laughed at me, and told me he understood. I was just glad that he did, ‘cause I don’t think it would be that easy for everyone else to do it.

I rescued the iPhone 8 Plus from sinking deeper into the couch and stared at the screen for just a second, while Chris shifted behind me, most likely looking too. The screen was filled with countless notifications, email alerts, text messages, and twitter DM’s, and I sighed softly as I tried to take it all in.

 **“You wanna get up, go make some calls?”** Chris inquired, and I shook my head no and sat the phone down.

You would have thought I ran off to Botswana or something by the way my line was popping. It had been a minute since I had powered the fuck down, and with the season one finale of the show airing a few weeks ago, I was gon’ do that anyway, ‘cause that’s just how I am. But no, honestly, that was a _lot_ and it put me _through it,_ and I needed to reconvene for a few months with just my thoughts and ideas before I got that ball rolling again.

I had pulled off something I never thought that I could, and even when we wrapped it all up a few months prior, to see it airing and everyone to be all up in arms over it, I knew I wasn’t going to stop what I was doing for anybody or anything.

But, before I could prepare myself to get back into the swing of things fully, everything that happened at the Day Party went down, shifted my plans as a whole, and put me into this spot where I had to analyze my relationship with the man who had my back until the end of time, and resuming the relationship with the man I loved more than I ever thought I’d love anyone, and that…that was going to take some time.

I knew going _slightly_ off the grid was worth it because I could multitask, and I made this work, or was in the process of making it work, so I was okay. The way my phone was blowing up though was telling me that I wasn’t going to be able to just figure out my own way to do it for long. Other people wanted to get involved in some way, which made me feel some kind of way. What was once an endless string of Late Night TV appearances, interviews, magazine covers, and things that made my heart explode was shifting into not only focusing on my work, but there was a new agenda now: what’s up with your relationships? Can we get into your personal life now?

 _Everyone_ was on my ass for more than just the success of the first season of _Used To It._ Now, motherfuckers really wanted to dig into the real story behind a relationship they never got to really see much of back when we had our time together in private, while him and Robyn were tiptoeing around each other in public. There’s so much of that whole period between us, that first big breakup that made us seem like we were done for good that I don’t really think about anymore, but I know the way people move. Once they go in search of information and want a story, everything’s gonna start coming out, good and bad, right, wrong, and indifferent.

That’s going to take a lot of pre-air, pre-recording discrepancy before we got into that, just to be in the best interest of everyone involved, and that’s why I never went headfirst into that kind of shit. When people got me in front of the camera instead of behind it as I developed myself as an actress, writer, director, and all of the other various fucking hats I wore, the interest was in my come up, and my ties that didn’t revolve around my man, current or former. I wasn’t out here boosting myself up behind a platform that a man set up for me, because there’s always been a distinction between what he did and what he could ever possibly do for me, which was not a damned thing when it came to my career.

I never really went that deep into it myself, and knew I’d have to, sooner or later.

Shit, I _just_ fucking unmuted his name two weeks ago, but here I was, sitting up here, picking up my damned work line again, only to sit it back down. I saw that my presence was requested on a couple of late night shows that I could shoot when I went home, as well as some interviews for a lot of the digital content rollouts for VH1, MTV, BET, and Complex was sending me a list of topics they thought would be approachable that had been forwarded by Oliver.

I sat it back down, and closed my eyes briefly. When I opened them back up at the sound of more buzzing, I knew it wasn’t the work line this time. My personal phone was closer though, which had also lit the space around it briefly, and the flash of light caused me to peek at it. I narrowed my eyes as I glanced at the screen, seeing texts from my group chat between Alex and Billie, texts in a group chat between me and my siblings, my cousins group chat, and two texts from Omari.

 **“You got me about to grab my shit. But, I know mine is more people saying, nigga, finally! Other than… Kacie, you finna marry this nigga or no,”** He read the message from my brother as I whined in front of him.

I didn’t even have to go too far down into the several twitter Direct Message notifications that were piling up either to know stories were building off of my snap story from hours prior either, and after I realized that was what was going on, I sat it face down on the table again like I’d never picked it up in the first place. I wasn’t even going to begin addressing, acknowledging, or attempting to debate the issues that would follow that, ‘cause it’d be the same shit I had to hear in the past with Michael and Don.

_Are they swingers? Did she trade these niggas off like it was a weekend with a parent with custody? Wasn’t she just kissing Donald’s neck during a behind the scenes clip from the finale? And now she’s out with Mike, bowling? Damn, Kacie…_

Oh, I saw all of the tweets and comments and all that shit. This wasn’t like before, when the cardinal rule of online management was you, or someone who worked for you, reminding you that whatever the fuck they’re talking about, just avoid the comments. It’s not the same these days, because all of these social media outlets are literally a live version of a gossip blog comment section at all times, and sometimes, it comes with photos and videos, and you’re just like, _fuckkkk…_

Other people were doing my work for me in a variety of ways, which included linking me to people who’d fit in season two of _Used To It,_ or highlighting this weird assortment of tweets and instagram images from Chris that they were _sure_ had something to do with me from a period in which we weren’t on speaking terms at all, and like I knew they’d been doing for a while, continuously pressing the issue about whoever’s dick was in my mouth this week, and all of the who’s and why’s and what for’s that I never really bothered to go into depth with.

When I went into work mode, despite my largest success revolving around a hypothetical and now slight alternate version of my most important relationships, it was never about the true backstory. As _this_ developed, and I remembered Morgan suggesting I use this in a good way, it was all that the talk surrounding me had started to introduce to the conversation. Relationship talk was usually dissuaded, so as people started that particular angle up again, it tipped a personal line for me. Reworking this whole thing into an alternative redevelopment of a situation that would be totally different with shoes on different feet so to speak, made it easier to avoid a lot of the personal ties to certain situations that never made it into the public.

I knew as people saw what was in the process of going down, or were developing and projecting their own ideas or possibilities about things, I’d have to face a lot of those weird types of people who felt entitled to _personal information_ about our relationship. It not that, shit, it would be just as many people who felt inclined to let the things that they were around for back then become _everyone's business,_ most likely for the sake of clout and to grab some attention. Thankfully though, I’d been involved in situations like this on both a direct and indirect basis so many times that there was very little that was going to bother me as it did.

People just wanted to feel included, and I understood that. If I was going to be a part of the timeline’s big discussion, I wasn’t going to whine about it. I was just going to sit back and monitor things, and strike when and if I needed to, before throwing my own fuel into the flaming chaos that was my timeline. Eventually, it would morph into that, and as I sat here spacing out, mind just going down several different avenues, I couldn’t escape that before I let all of this consume me - handling what was said, rerouting the information and using it for my own benefit and to build this idea and several others, and just gearing up to be with my baby girl before even thinking about more work, I needed the time to just do _not shit…_

And, I was really trying to make the most of it. We needed this time not to do _shit_ because once we got out of here, once we got to Virginia and eventually I went home to Brooklyn, which I’d probably ask if he wanted to come and just be there for a while with us if he could, things were about to change.

If all I had right now was the time _not_ to try to envision what the future was going to end up throwing my way, I needed to embrace it. And, I’m not even saying that I haven’t, but I’m adjusting slowly. I kinda thought initially that I could just spend this weekend with him, get my head in the game by letting him know my intentions going forward, and complete the weekend with a good choke and stroke before I went and unpacked the entire ordeal with my current boy--second boyfriend?? - whatever the fuck Mike was now, and be good, but no.

My impulsive ass came here a whole day earlier than I planned or he did, and now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I don’t think there’s shit else we need to do, or talk about, or even start trying to really analyze. there was a tiny part of me dreading the fuck out of getting back in front of cameras for my own benefit tomorrow though, but I wanted to get that over with, and I could see several ways in which the situation could blow up, but… I knew I had to stop letting my mind run off with shit like that.

It always put me in a mood, and I wasn’t really trying to do that right now.

Trying to control everything has always been my problem, my _deal,_ my _issue,_ and it’s kinda the situation that got me into where the fuck I am now, trying to see how I could control everything with just simply _being here._ I knew I needed to just sit back and just deal with whatever nineteen year old bullshit he wanted to distract us with, because once we had to really deal with real life shit, we weren’t going to be able to just sit back and do _this_ after that.

 **“What’re you thinking so hard about that’s making your foot shake, babe?”** Chris questioned me softly as I noticed the nervous tic has ramped up, and I slowly stopped as I huffed softly and apologized.

 **“My bad. I’m just looking at what’s up on the screen, and my mind is just all over the place.”** I sighed softly as there was a pause there for me to explain it, but I wasn’t even trying to go there.

Instead, I just relaxed in the silence again and turned back to the screen as he wrapped his arms around me again, and held me closer to him.

 **“Good, ‘cause you finna miss Tony fuck it all up,”** He insisted as I looked at the screen, catching the climax of the film.

 **“I wanna eventually watch all of the ones with you that we didn’t see together. That’s a bunch of movies too. Definitely gon have to make a weekend out of it.”** I requested as he hummed behind me in agreement.

We were pretty fuckin’ consistent with what was now known as _The Infinity Saga,_ at least while we were together. I knew I was definitely requesting a catchup of the ones we hadn’t seen yet, so by the time Endgame came out next year, we’d be ready. We held a soft discussion about where we’d left off and what we had to watch, which prompted him to ignore the screen to grab his phone to find someone’s masterlist and proper order.

It was enough movement between the two of us then for us to switch positions and me to place my head in his lap as I looked up at the mural on the ceiling, and waited for him to show me what he’d found. Before he could though, in synchronized fashion, his stomach growled and so did mine, which had me inching up to plant my feet back on the ground again.

I did _not_ buy all of those groceries for nothing.

 **“That’s it, I’m finna get up for real this time,”** I sat up and pulled myself up, preparing to go into the kitchen, and he held his hands out in front of me to stop moving as I raised my eyebrow and looked at him.

 **“Where you tryna go?”** He asked as I furrowed my brow and stuck out my neck at him.

 **“To feed us? I know you’re hungry. Your stomach sounds like mine, and we’ve burned off basically all of our daily calories anyway, so let me feed us.”** We had a brief stare off before his lips turned up into a smile, and I rolled my eyes softly as I stifled my giggle at his instant excitement that came alone with _me_ and _feed_ in the same sentence.

 **“I know your fatass misses my cooking, and I ain’t even really made us nothing to eat yet, so don’t try and convince me to sit back down. I have to set the whole damned kitchen back up like I had it,** **_and_ ** **break it all back in.”** I looked over my shoulder at the emptiness of the countertops and island and sucked my teeth gently.

 **“Really?”** He teased as he stood up in front of me, and I looked over my shoulder again, and then back at him.

 **“Fuck yeah, ‘cause knowing you, you ain’t even gon’ go in there and cook nothing. I bet you there’s frozen meals in the freezer right now. I bet there’s stupid shit too, like Mini Eggo Waffles and those Friday’s Appetizers you like,”** I chided as I tilted my head at him, waiting on him to say I was wrong.

 **“Now since I have my wife at home, I can eat all of that today and not have to worry about struggling like that again, is what you’re telling me, right?”** I narrowed my eyes into slits at his insinuation that I was going to feed him daily since I was _back,_ but I wasn’t gon’ correct him on it.

Terms like _wife_ and _home_ just flew the fuck over my head as he gripped my hands, and I stood in front of him, trying to inch backwards to get into the kitchen space. I knew he wasn’t gon’ let me go _anywhere,_ really. He just wanted to be in my face, but I was hungry, and now, I had a whole plan forming in my head to make sure he was well fed, all over again.

He moved when I moved, and I clucked my tongue again, making it pop in the quietness of the room. I sideswiped him, which turned into him forcing me into an impromptu twirl as he attempted to dance around me, and of course, I danced with him for a little before tryin’ to slide the few feet across the floor into the kitchen. I sighed softly as he held me close to him and kissed me softly before letting me go, and literally moonwalking away from me.

 **“I ain’t even gon’ ask what you finna do, cause I’m sure it’s some mess.”** I shook my head softly as he disappeared around a corner, and I couldn’t stop smiling.

The simplicity of being here, being _home,_ was doing something to me. I stood in the kitchen for a minute with the refrigerator doors open before I closed them, and shook my head softly. I wanted some wings, some homemade fries, and some really good ranch, so I had a plan, and I just needed to execute it.

I was finna pretend like I was at wingstop, and even pulled up my text thread with Barry to remind him of my skills. Earlier had been a pop up that I wasn’t expecting, but anticipated deep down. He didn’t expect to see me here as much as I didn’t think he would, to be realistic. We hadn’t really talked since I had gotten here earlier in the month, and when we did, it was just a brief chit chat about Alex, how Celeste was doing, and if I was ever going to see Chris, which I just shrugged at. But, now I felt like he knew something then, now that I think about it.

I had missed calls from him after Jay’s thing, and I wanted to call him back, but there was inner conflict that wouldn’t let me pick up the phone and do it just yet. We had to talk about a lot of things, not just _this,_ and I wanted to pick his brain about what I was going to do just as much as I know he wanted to ask me how I was going to make this work, for a third time.

He said he had a lot to do before he could be free, which was cool, but I wanted to see if he’d come back sooner than later, yknow? Barry was an integral part of this whole situation in several ways, but we’d gotten over that hump. I needed a buffer for the moment again, anyway.

KC | you want some wings? and don’t squeeze me so tight when you come back either.

MijO | do I look like the kinda nigga to turn down your food? U need a ref, huh? I do not miss this shit. But I miss u sis, so yeah I’ll be back over there in an hour

Content, I peeked briefly into the other threads, where basically everyone had witnessed my twerking and his ass slapping. I responded with thinking emojis in every one of them, which had everyone immediately typing back in response. I had seventy eight notifications on snap alone, and I sputtered out a chuckle at that.

I took a selfie in the kitchen, making sure motherfuckers saw where I was, and made _sure_ it went to Michael that time. Snapchat was perfect for that kinda shit. In the moment, I really didn’t care about it getting around. We were just chillin, really. And, the part of me that was plotting had an ulterior motive for all of this anyway.

I just wanted to see how it was going to play out.

 **“Whatchu gon’ make?”** Chris inquired as he rounded back into the kitchen to grab another mini brownie from the Tupperware dish on the counter. He had reloaded his rolling tray, and I exhaled softly at the sight.

 **“I’m finna act like it’s Wingstop,”** I responded without turning back around as I started in on the cabinets, and he hurrumped behind me. I looked back over my shoulder at the sound, and looked him up at down, ready to pounce if I had to.

 **“I’d rather it be Popeyes.”** His eyebrows wiggled, and I blushed immediately, hating that I knew what he was referencing.

 **“I’d rather you shut the fuck up and stop trying to get on top of me every two seconds. You’re fully aware I’m not getting pregnant any time soon, right? I** **_just_ ** **got this stupid ass shot before we came out here.”** I shot back fiercely as he chuckled and gripped my ass in his hands, and thrust himself towards me.

 **“Okay so? I got three months to plan shit and make it make sense. Whatever. We ain’t talmbout that right now. We ain’t gotta get into specifics about what the fuck we’re going to do down the road. Just know that I’ma do it right. Everything. All of it.…”** He started to lift me from the ground as I wrapped my hands around his neck and squealed.

 **“Can you fuckin’ stopppppp!? Boy, gone! Let me cook. Your ass won’t eat, quit playin’,”** I slapped at his naked back until he lowered me again. He was a relentless motherfucker…

I scrunched up my face at him as he grabbed at my thigh as I tried to inch away from him again.

**“You got enough to keep me full, I promise you.”**

**“Bye,”** I giggled as I moved clean away from him. I could still feel his eyes on me as I ate the other piece of brownie for myself, and made me another cup of water before I proceeded back to my task at hand.

Now that he was gone and Barry was on his way, I was ready to get back into my zone. I needed a skillet, the deep fryer, some bowls, flour, seasonings… a lot of shit. I was just mentally cataloguing what I’d need to pull out as I pursed my lips together and realized that none of the shit I really needed was in front of me as I opened up the cabinets in front of me again.

The cabinet that used to hold a myriad of spices suddenly did not. Instead, it was just a bunch of unused appliances. A lot of these I could tell were gifts, because they were still in the original packaging, and a few still had shrinkwrap on them. I wasn’t about to start opening up things just because I could though, because I felt like somewhere, my things were just waiting to be put back to where they needed to be.

I have no idea were the fuck _my_ things were though, which made me go over to the giant walk in pantry. I found myself just standing in the pantry, looking past the boxed and canned groceries and trying to get to the stored appliances. I sucked my teeth softly as I opened some of the storage cabinet doors, and took a few steps back after reaching one door in particular.

As soon as it was open, my mood did a whole fucking flip flop in the worst way. Everything that I had been holding in, the things I had pushed to the back of my head and then pushed down like dirty laundry, just fucking got kicked over. Everything just started spilling out, and my thoughts started clamoring for importance to bring to the fore and to form as questions as I kinda just… shut down, physically.

This wasn’t going to be good.

He hasn’t popped back up yet, either, so I’ve been standing for the last three minutes. Just standing here, in the middle of the pantry, just staring at all of my stuff. The kitchen was _my thing._ It was where I knew I’d always be when I wasn’t writing, and wasn’t trying to concoct some idea for him to use. I’d be cooking and entertaining because it was something that just kept me calm, and I liked to do it. I liked feeding other people as much as I liked creating worlds and sharing their vision in the best way that I could, and he knew that this was _my spot,_ so it made sense for me to want it to be back to the way I had it, knowing that I was going to stick around here more and more after this. I had a fucking key again, I was within all my rights to want to reclaim my spaces, and that started with the kitchen first, and then the office second.

I couldn’t do it without any of my shit though, and the fact that it’s all here, literally _everything,_ and even some shit I recalled throwing on an impromptu “baby buy me this” Amazon wish list that I hadn’t updated in _forever,_ was all here. He kept all of my stuff. My mixers. My bowls. My utensils. Cookbooks. Aprons. Everything that I’d left behind was just here, in an unused set of cabinets, neatly stacked up and untouched, just waiting on me to put it all back where it belonged.

Knowing my petty ass, if he would have been the one to leave _me,_ would have had a nice majority of the non-sentimental shit that he left behind on Ebay or in someone’s donation box in a heartbeat. I’d throw a fucking yard sale in the midst of my then anger, but he did none of that.

 **“Babe, you good in there?”** I heard him call out seconds after I heard the spark of a lighter.

I couldn’t find the words in my throat to spit out a response. Just a new round of tears, because my emotions were morphing into confusion, and even a little bit of anger at the whole thing, because what the _fuck_ was I doing right now? What was _he_ doing? What the fuck were either of us really fucking doing right now? All of the calmness I had summoned to get me _here_ in the first fucking place was about to really fuck me up as I stood here, just tryna figure out the things I hadn’t decided to question until now.

For the life of me, I couldn’t picture why he’d do this. I’m being stubborn with this idea and I know it, but if he wanted me so desperately to come back to him, why’d he let me go? That was really the question I needed to be asking, but we hadn’t done much of the deep diving into our feelings like we needed to do with the presence of a licensed therapist at the ready.

Despite everything that was rolling out in the form of physical intimacy and general adoration because we just fucking missed all of _this,_ I couldn’t forget that we were still two fucked up individuals at the end of the for this to even be life for us as it was at the moment. The reality of being left behind by Chris was one thing that never settled within me, but I had done _so fucking good_ at not reviving those feelings until now, when it was becoming more and more obvious that all I had to fucking do was come back.

After dealing with the exact situation of abandonment from my parents, my half-brother, and struggling with never feeling like I had a place of stability in anyone’s life, I never expected it to be something I’d have to stomach with him. This time around, I was the one who left first, and didn’t look back.

The longer I stood here in silence, the more complex my feelings started to churn about this whole fucking thing. It felt like puzzle pieces snapping into alignment when I really saw that all I had to do was _come back_ in the first place, and maybe these last six years apart would have been something different between us. Standing here in front of a collection of all of my things, which looked untouched and definitely taken care of just in case, and this being the fourth occurrence of this same kind of behavior since I’ve been here has my mind all over the place.

 **“Babe, you hear me?”** I inhaled sharply to stop myself from crying as I felt him come up behind me, and then, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

 **“Yeah, um… nah. I’m not. Hey…what the fuck are you even doing any of this for?”** I softly questioned him as he touched my back gently, and I turned around to face him.

 **“What’s wrong with you? Doing what? Whatchu talkin’ about, what did I do?”** His brow went up as he chained his inquiries together, and I gestured around to the open closet in front of me.

 **“This shit, Chris.”** I turned towards him and rolled my eyes, and exhaled softly.

His face was still marred with confusion, and I closed my eyes briefly, trying to quickly blink away tears that would most likely evolve from shock and confusion to actual irritation and annoyance.

 **“You just fucking moved everything. And, I’m not supposed to even be fucking crying about this.”** I inhaled sharply as I tilted my head back, and shook my head at him.

 **“Uh, yeah? Was I not supposed to move this stuff? I’m confused.”** He asked.

My issue or tone wasn’t clicking for him. I watched him exhale smoke into the small area and I pressed my lips together as I pinched the bridge of my nose, and stepped back from him.

 **“You just moved everything out of the way like it didn’t mean shit that I took whatever I could immediately grab and throw in a bag, and just left you.”** I stepped back from him a little more, and pressed my back into something safer - the wall, and closed my eyes again.

He was quiet, and I was on fire.

 **“I** **_left,_ ** **Chris. I was gone.”** I looked at him and he nodded at me, but didn’t respond. He just kept blowing rings of smoke and staring at me, just taking it all in.

 **“And, within the two fucking days of me being here, everything I ever put my hands on, you just… rearranged and moved out of the way, so what, other bitches couldn’t touch it? So, when I came back, you could just drop the shit right back to where it needed to be, for what? What’d you hold on to all this shit for?”** I looked at him, really wanting to know.

I was pulled somewhere that I didn’t think I’d end up. I was really trying not to give into this shit, but I was losing the fight, and I was fucking tanking. So now, instead of suppressing it, all of my questions and hypothetical scenarios and _everything_ that could have bothered me in my absence from _home_ was starting to creep up my throat like bile, threatening to spill out on the floor.

 **“You don’t think I know that you left me?”** His voice cut through the tension in the very small and windowless room. I swallowed hard as I looked at him, trying to hold myself up.

I pressed my tongue to the roof of my mouth as he shook his head at me, and said nothing after I didn’t respond to him. I felt like a child with a tantrum as I closed my eyes briefly, and opened them, trying to channel a sense of calm.

I had to remind myself to chill out, quick. I wasn’t thinking about him until we locked eyes. I could be triggering the fuck out of him, and it had been a _long time_ since I’d had to endure any of his PTSD related anger issues that would surge. Usually it’d be towards someone else, whether expected or un, but never me. I didn’t want to take it there right now either, I _never_ wanted to, really.

My lid had blown off more than a few times so to speak, but those were internal battles I fought in silence as I settled back into the realization that he was _here._ I damned sure didn’t even _think_ about how things would develop once I stopped fighting those battles internally and spit shit out like I’d just done.

 **“You gotta remember, your reality was also mine. I had to stomach the same shit you did, Kacie.”** He spoke again after we stood in silent contemplation, and I had no idea where his head was.

I wanted to flip again, immediately. Did he really? I wanted to press the details, the how’s, especially, but I didn’t. I just scoffed lightly and sucked the bitter salty tear into my mouth before frowning at him. I looked beyond him again, spotting more and more little things that were of my doing, not his, not ours, but mine alone, and my stomach twisted once more. I wasn’t even trying to have all of these lil’ realizations, but I knew once I started seeing a lil’ something here and a lil’ something over there, I was going to try to play seek and find all over this fucking place until I saw just how fucking badly he wanted me back home, yet never put up a fight for it.

I was definitely getting more annoyed than anything with the way that things had just been shifted, and how I constantly saw a fucking gateway to return that I didn’t capitalize on. That pissed me off more than my search for the answers I already knew.

 **“Honestly, Chris….what’d you keep all of this shit for?”** I softly repeated, and he shook his head at me, and then closed the gap between us. He sat his still lit blunt down in a bowl, and pushed the tension out of my shoulders by setting his hands upon them, and making me look up at him.

 **“Because I knew you’d come back.”** He looked at me and shrugged, and cupped my chin, lifting my mouth towards his. The smoke went out of my nose with ease as I ground my hips against him, and the rest flared out like an angry bull.

 **“You worry too much. And, you can’t even hit me with any kind of smart assed comment, ‘cause look where the fuck you are right now. You’re back, right?”** He tilted his head, and I pushed him in the chest, pushing him a little bit away from me.

He wasn’t going to let this bloom in anger though, and was extremely more composed than I thought he would have been as I tried not to curse him out like I was drumming up in the pit of my chest. I was about to crumble. I was really fucking upset over a situation I hadn’t let bother me since I truly separated myself from it all. He held my shaky hands, and I panted out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.

Wasn’t no running away from this.

 **“Just like everything in front of you is still here for a reason, you’re here for a reason. Don’t start fighting it now.”** He silently gestured around the pantry and shook his head at me gently, and and massaged my hands until the tension in my shoulders that had came back debulked again, and I stopped slowly rocking as I tried to calm down.

 **“You ain’t tryna leave now, are you?”** There was unabashed fear in his tone as he asked me that, and I shook my head no.

I saw relief cover his facial features as he nodded softly at me. He licked his lips briefly and looked at me again, his face now scowling a little.

 **“D’you think if I knew you wasn’t comin’ back I’d keep anything of yours here?”** His intensity made my leg tremble as my brows knotted together and I shook my head no.

 **“Do you think ion’ know that no matter who the fuck I saw you with, and heard about you with, that you weren’t gon’ find your way home eventually?”** He questioned, stepping closer to me, and I saw that familiar clench in his jaw that made me swallow softly. I had hit a button with him just like this had hit one with me.

 **“Do you think that when I made the decision to stop fighting myself, stop overanalyzing what could go wrong, stop missing all of my fucking opportunities, and** **_finally_ ** **approach you, that you definitely wouldn’t end up back here? This is where you're meant to be, and you’re here. We made promises at seventeen to stay together, get married, have kids, ain’t you supposed to write my memoir for me? I’m supposed to orchestrate our first wedding anniversary and have a fuckin’ entire orchestra play Prince songs for you, you think ion’ remember that? You think ion’ wanna see how that plays out? I got shit to do just like you do Kacie, and we’re gonna do all of that shit. I have you here. You’re here. I’m here, and you’re back. That ain’t me being cocky, arrogant, incredulous, any of those words you like to use or none of that, those are fuckin’ facts, baby.”**

I licked my lips slowly, still focused on him, knowing he’s not lying, but fucking _why,_ though? He wanted me to talk to him about it, he wanted my input, but but I don’t think I had too much more of that left in me. I was going to cry at the fact that he remembered and took to heart the shit that seventeen year old me came up with on a couch in Harlem, just talkin’ mad shit, but really meaning it. He wanted to make it a reality. I couldn’t fight him for wanting stability down the line with me as much as I used to dream about having nothing but that from him.

In all reality, the situation was making me sad as fuck, and I didn’t know how to vocalize that either, because what if I didn’t? But, just thinking about if I never did made me close my eyes again, a little tightly this time, because I was about to start crying again, and I had to calm down. I did not want to do that again. Whatever tripped my fucking anxiety about all of this needed to fix itself.

He knew I was thinking about _all of this_ though, ‘cause for the most part, he was right. I hated how he just effortlessly shut me down from my growing rage about it too, because he fucking _knew_ that he was right, and I knew that I wasn’t doing anything but going to stick with him.

 **“Babe. I promise it's okay. We might not be as good as we need to be but we’re good for now. We’re gonna be okay, Kacie.”** He used the same tone he’d use to bring me down from flipping the fuck out, and my ramped up breathing died down into a calm state, and a hard stare.

He shook his head softly as he wiped a tear from my cheek, and cupped my chin to bring me into a soft kiss as his free hand wrapped around me, and pulled me into his chest.

 **“Well shit, you might as well tell me that I’m damn sure gon’ listen to yo’ bitch ass if you gon’ explain it like that.”** I knew my forehead had a dent in it as he shook his head at me, and he wiped at my eye again.

 **“Get out of the pantry if it’s gonna make you yell at me or cry, Booda. C’mon.”** He yanked me off of the floor and the spot I had stuck myself in then, and squeezed my ass over my shorts as I pouted over his view of vision.

 **“Everything gon’ make me yell or cry at your ass. Everything. Either you’re remembering shit that I haven’t thought of in forever, or you’re proving to me bit by bit that you’re really ready to do this, and I hate you for making me wait. I hate myself for making** **_us_ ** **wait.”** I admitted as I stood back on my two feet again, and inhaled softly.

I was good for the _longest_ , the last two days had been amazing, and then at some point I just got really mad that this wasn’t permanently home for me anymore. And, I wasn’t sure how I’d ever make it to be truly home again.

 **“We not gon’ keep doing that though. You’re definitely not gon’ keep doing that. Even though you came earlier than I anticipated, you ain’t gon’ spend the whole time alternating between fucking me and wanting to fight me.”** He stressed as he sat me up on the counter, and stood between my legs.

 **“You saying that like I just haven’t talked to you at all. I know it probably would have made sense for us to talk about everything, but we haven’t even had words over shit until now. I just… I realize that every time I go into something, all I’m seeing are openings. And, with all of those openings, it aggravates the fuck out of me that we broke up and called it off at one of the worst fucking times, and you did what you did and I did what I did, and between all of that, we could have just been so much fuckin’ better off, or maybe, maybe we just needed to get that shit out of our systems, and either way… I don’t want to go anywhere without you anymore.”** I crossed my arms across my chest, and he rolled his tongue around his lips as he narrowed his eyes at me, and shook his head.

 **“So, since that realization hit, you’re mad about us not hurting each other more than we could have doing the shit we did while we were apart? We successfully got through a stage where we would have been fuckin’ each other over even worse than we did without actually ruining each other, baby or not, Kacie.”** He explained, and I merely rolled my eyes at him.

 **“It would have been so much messier if we would have been lying to ourselves about it the entire time and you know that. Like you said, you went ghost and got your shit together with your career and shit, and I got all of my uncertainty, recklessness, and stupidity out, so that I knew when it was time for me to come back to you, we wouldn’t have to deal with me wanting to pull any of that shit off. I wasn’t gon’ be that same dumbass twenty-something when I came back to you for good. You are it for me. I don’t know how many ways you want me to convince you of that, but I’ll do whatever the fuck I need to to show you. You’re back, and as you keep saying, I’m here. You’re back, and I’m here. We’re right in front of each other. We’re not gon’ keep fighting about this.”** He had stubbed the blunt out again, and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water.

 **“You could have honestly just given up on me. We could have co-parented if you stepped up with the suggestion back when Star was one. You could have tried instead of thinking that Mike had all the answers or the responsibility to be a Father to a kid he ain’t even nut inside of me for,”** I closed my eyes and tried to find a filter for my tone before it got real disrespectful in here.

He twisted the cap with way more force than I thought he would, and I shook my head as he slid right back to where he left me at, and anchored his hands on my sides, trapping me on the counter.

 **“I wasn’t in the right mind to try. Me getting you pregnant and having too much other shit tryna pop when it shouldn’t have left me tryna figure it how to put it all off so I could do right, but it was so much easier for me to admit that I couldn’t, so why not ask him to? You know in a different lifetime… you’ve created the different lifetime, so you already know that if it was up to him, that would be his kid anyway. We’re not going there or talking about that right now. Just don’t take me there right now. We’re gonna talk about all of this eventually. But, I don’t want to do it without the proper support.”** He explained, and I exhaled softly.

He had flipped, but it wasn’t the rage filled explosion I was used to witnessing. He had thought about this, I could tell. Whatever they talked about for all those years definitely helped to get him here, because this conversation, the last time we got even remotely close to talking about this, was just him yelling at me, me yelling back, and me telling him to leave me the fuck alone before I beat his ass, which wasn’t smart, wasn’t good at all, and this? This was definitely progress for the both of us.

 **“And, if you honestly thought that I was just gon’ give the fuck up on you, you’re fuckin’ crazy. What’d I tell you when you popped up on me in Richmond, and you ended up staying with me for the whole summer?”** His eyebrow went up, and I shrugged my shoulders in annoyance as I looked at him, and I wanted my water then.

Fuck. My control on the situation was shifting as I felt my high creeping in, and I wasn’t fit to argue anymore before I blew it. His was too. His gaze had softened and he was just looking at me, waiting on me to tell him what he wanted to hear as I tipped the cup of ice water back to my mouth instead.

I knew _exactly_ what he said, and he knew from the curl of my lips that it was on the tip of my tongue, but I wasn’t gon’ say it. I was still in the process of processing and settling. He knew it too, and I wasn’t gon’ act right until he really got me to be okay about this whole thing as my mind continued to build up desires and wants that bridged off of what he just said.

I’m back, and he’s here.

It resonated with me so much so that I tweeted the shit, much to his amusement.

 **@kaciedevaughn:** I’m back, and he’s here. Unbelievable, but not impossible.

He scoffed slightly at me, as I skimmed disinterestedly through my mentions before looking back up at him, just for a second. I was still a stubborn lil’ bitch right now, so he was gon’ really have to get me to talk. He pushed my phone down and looked at me, tilting my chin up. I _just_ brought up earlier how when we were on some out of sight, out of mind type shit, we distracted ourselves with other things.

Me, I had to deal with the development and oncoming of Celeste and a slow extraction from all things that dealt with _Kacestopher 2.0,_ and then writing was enough. I went back to school, I worked non-fucking-stop until I was forced to sit my ass the fuck down, and even then, I was still tryna work when Celeste was born because she came a whole month early.

He chose to cope with me not being around by distracting himself with other people, things that didn’t matter, places he didn’t want to be, and he was so fucking good at faking it. He was so fucking good at being distracted and just keeping up the imagery of being _okay_ with things on the surface so that the things inside of his head ain’t get to him, but I knew that it did.

It had to, because he was _here,_ and tired of fuckin’ acting like it wasn’t.

It definitely wasn’t the first time we went head to head on our issues like this, and Richmond was the first time we’d gotten into it to the point to where I felt like I needed to just pop the fuck up on him to figure out what the fuck we were going to do since I didn’t have school holding me down. I wound up getting roped into living with him for the entire summer, but that’s another story for another time - so I knew _exactly_ what the fuck he was referencing. This wasn’t new for us.

But, I ain’t wanna say it. ‘Cause, it would never fail to get him started. It was a way for us to solidify the placement in each other’s lives that wasn’t for nothin’, and wasn’t just going to stop. And as much as I would always want him, I wanted to see that calmness he was possessing that was kinda scaring the hell out of me, turn into something else. He was gon’ have to coax that shit out of me.

 **“You being difficult and not even fuckin’ listening to me…. I’ma have to work to fix this shit, huh?”** He asked as I unfolded my arms across my chest, and touched his chin briefly, dragging his lip down.

 **“You mad at me, and I gotta fix it.”** He shook his head, and I shrugged my shoulder.

I watched him walk away from me and go back in the pantry, and slowly start piling up things I needed on the countertop. He pulled out bowls, a basket of spices, containers that held flour, and a bunch of utensils before raising his eyebrow at me, and going back in. He came back out with an apron that read “this is my kitchen” over it in his artsy handwriting, and slid it over my head. It just hung there, draping over me as I made no effort to get down to properly tie it around me, and I shook my head at him.

 **“What’d I tell you, Kacie? What’d I say?”** He asked as he looked back at me again.

I had temporarily blanked out from the conversation itself, but continued to watch him as he configured the double chamber deep fryer back on the counter, and opened a few cabinets until he found oil to fill it up with. I just shook my head, watching him in motion.

 **“Home ain’t home if you ain’t there.”** I finally admitted, softer than my voice had been in a while.

 **“Home ain’t home if you ain’t there baby, and when I say there, where I do mean?”** He had stopped his reintroduction of all of the things I needed in front of me to stand in my face again, and get me to look into his eyes.

 **“Right on your side.”** I had settled now, and was very pleased as he made me bring this particular conversation to a place that took me somewhere else.

He really fuckin’ meant that shit when he told me that his home wasn’t even home if I wasn’t there. And that mean, being right by his side for the whole summer together, every night when we fell asleep together, every night while we were out in the streets and going here and there, and I knew he meant that shit.

 **“Right on my fucking side, and where’d you sleep last night?”** He inquired, running his thumb down my cheek. I closed my eyes and smiled at him, but didn’t answer him, because he fucking _knew_ just like I knew where I was.

 **“Where’d you sleep, baby? Hmm?”** He repeated softly, and I shook my head as I looked at him.

I was smiling at him as I admitted, **“Right on your fucking side.”**

 **“Right, and you gon sleep there tonight, tomorrow, the day after that, when we go get our baby…forever, babe. Your spot is right here.”** He flourished at me in front of him, and I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into me.

Holding on to the man I loved at twenty nine was different than nineteen. He talked me off of the edge and I knew I wasn’t gon’ hear the last of it, or this wasn’t going to be the last experience like this either. I locked my hands behind his back and settled against his chest, and let him hold me against it.

 **“I know, Bop.”** I sighed softly as he kissed the top of my head, and I pushed him back a little, allowing myself to slide off of the countertop. He tied the apron strings behind my back as I plugged the deep fryer in, and exhaled softly.

Okay. I’m okay. I can do this.

 **“My kids really went in and came out of you,”** He was watching me from the pantry doorway, and I hated now that activated the bird in me.

**“Christopher.”**

**“I'm just saying…”** He started, and I rolled my eyes softly.

 **“Get the chicken out and come help.”** I shook my head softly as he winked at me, and went over to the fridge.

We were okay. We can do this.


	18. The Look Of Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What is the look of  
> It got something to do with umm  
> Being a man and handling your biz  
> What love got to do with it  
> Ask SV it's all bullshit  
> You know what love is  
> Say it with me one time, you know what love is  
> You know what love is, you know what love is
> 
> very specifically, this version: https://24kblk.com/post/131686055166/sv-the-look-of-love-fantastic-v-1-1997

 The Look Of Love | 17

 **“You good Babe?”** Chris looked at me as I finished dipping another french fry into the ranch, and popped it into my mouth.

I had been quiet since we started cooking, making sure that he could make wing sauce still. In the back of my mind, I told myself to remember how I needed no prompts for him to go forth and do what I couldn’t do in order to keep moving forward. I knew there would be more moments like the one we just shared, and I really needed to see that he was able to disarm me still.

 **“Kacie,”** I watched him move, but I was transfixed.

I was just watching him. He had thrown me for a loop with the way he disarmed me this time around, a lil’ similar to the panic attack I had on day one. He sat the bowl down and peeked into the basket of the deep fryer, then back at me, double checking my admission for the truth.

I had stopped tutoring him, and had only occasionally forced him to stand behind me and hold my hand as I whisked the wing sauce combinations together, and he’d chuckle and kiss my temple, telling me that he had it. He had it. He pulled up the freshly fried wings and smiled at them before taking them out of the basket, and dropping them into the bowl.

 **“Salt them,”** I responded without realizing that I was sticking my hands out to do it for him, like he didn’t know how to do it himself. He did, and started to swirl the hot chicken in the bowl with the lemon juice, lemon pepper, and buffalo sauce.

He looked over at me again, and gently placed his hand on the small of my back, forcing me to pick my head up and look at him in return. His expression was curious, and his eyes held a lot of wonder as he tilted his head a little, and I smiled weakly.

**“I’m okay, Baby.”**

Something had shifted and I was sure that he could handle any down period I would experience while he was with me. It wouldn’t have been the first time, but it had taken on a definite pull away from me just shutting down and exploding at him. Now, I’d get quiet and inquire all of the things that pushed to the front of my head, and if I wasn’t questioning _everything,_ uncertainty would make me push myself into a corner while my thoughts battled all of the reasons behind literally _everything_ that was happening to me at the moment.

I had been going good, until he came back into my life. Not that he was every truly really gone from it, if I think about it, but, y’know - he was physically a few feet away from me, eyeballing me, not really sure that I was _good_ at all.

 **“Babe?”** He scooted his stool away from the floor, and I shook my head softly.

 **“I’m okay.”** I repeated as my eyes were drawn to the NEST security app open on the monitor built into the wall. I watched Barry jog up to the door, and seconds later, heard him coming in.

Chris hummed gently in response and finished swirling chicken wings in the mixture of hot sauce and lemon pepper, and stuck his finger into the side of the bowl to taste it. I raised my eyebrow at him as he placed it all on the sheet pan, and nudged me in the side.

 **“Why you so nervous? It’s just Barry.”** He asked, and I shook my head softly.

 **“In the kitchen, B.”** I spoke into the intercom, watching him react to my voice.

 **“I feel like I’m finna get yelled at.”** I admitted, keeping my eyes open and alert as I waited for Barry to come into the kitchen.

I slowly balanced the second tray in my hands as I waited for him to resurface, and sat it on the counter next to the BBQ Thai Chili wings. Chris leaned against the counter, not questioning my reasons, but biting into a drum and turning to serve me his back as I know his fat ass decided to make his own plate. I was still standing and waiting on Barry to actually come into the kitchen as Chris settled on the other end of the counter.

 **“How are you already standing over there like we finna fight? I’m not finna yell at you, Kacie.”** Barry responded to me as he finally stepped into the space, and came over to the sink to wash his hands.

He turned towards me with a smile after drying off his hands, and immediately started plating up his food. I shook my head in quizzical confusion for a second before smacking his hands away from taking all of my buffalo lemon pepper flats, and eyeballing him wearily.

 **“You gon’ give me shit though, ‘cause you wouldn’t be you if you didn’t.”** I quipped, and he winked at me as he sat down at the countertop and bit into his chicken without responding.

 **“I have questions yeah, but I’m not just here to give you shit, I originally came over here to beat his ass.”** He nudged Chris on his stool, who had been uncharacteristically quiet as he ate.

Barry walked in, locked eyes with him, and he hasn’t said shit since.

 **“Why, what did he do?”** My eyebrow went up as Barry tilted his head at Chris, and then back at me. I looked at Barry, and then back at Chris, and narrowed my eyes slightly.

 **“It took him too long get me over here after what had went down at the Day Party. I came over every damned day since then, and it took way too long for me to come and see you here. Way too fucking long.”** Barry stated as he leaned into the counter and pulled the ramekin of ranch towards him, and dipped a few of his fries into it.

I had no comment for his outburst, which didn’t sound too upset honestly, but he was definitely teasing Chris about whatever timeframe he was working on, and all I could do was raise my eyebrow as I looked over at him myself, wondering how long that had been the plan.

 **“This nigga Chris had me waiting what,”** Barry scoffed as he tilted his head towards Chris, who was chewing into his food, and still not speaking up for himself.

 **“Three years? Like three years for this shit.”** He admitted as I looked at Chris, who ducked his head away from my line of vision then, and Barry scoffed as he turned back to his wings.

**“Chicken is good as fuck, sis.”**

I swallowed down more juice as I knew _exactly_ what happened three years ago, even though I promised myself not to go back there. But, I couldn’t, and once the reminders flooded in of that entire situation, I exhaled at the reminder. Knowing where my mind was, or like he went back there too, I watched Chris’ head snap up and look at Barry, and then at me. The intensity of the look and the words unspoken reminded me that he definitely still told Barry _everything. Everything_ included how we spent my 27th birthday together, even though we weren’t supposed to be doing shit else at the time.

 **“It was supposed to be a big thing y’know, like… oh, he was getting his girl back. He was. Wasn’t nothin’ gon’ stop him from doing that but himself, really. But, he had all of these plans, and ain’t execute a fuckin’ one of em. It don’t matter though, cause you’re back now, but I mean… it would be an entirely different story if he would have hopped down and got serious about it when he initially intended on doing so. Both of y’all niggas slacking,”** Barry continued to explain as I shook my head softly, and then felt Chris’ eyes burn a hole in my direction.

 **“How are we slacking? I would say ion’ got nothing to do with this, but from the look you just gave me, I guess he told you about Atlanta, huh?”** I pursed my lips as Barry, huffed a little, and then chewed more fries.

 **“He ran that dumbass plot by me, and you know he did. That’s the only reason that there was some structure, even though he fucked up, still. I was hip from the moment he snatched you up a week after that party, til y’all flew out together.”** Barry shrugged a shoulder, and I rolled my tongue around my lips as I grabbed my cup of juice, thought about it, and then went to the fridge to pour a bottle of hard lemonade on top of it.

That wasn’t hard enough if we were going to broach that subject, so the neck of a bottle of Malibu went into it too, and I turned back to the two of them, realizing I had zoned out on whatever was being said once I turned my back to the two of them.

 **“Nigga, I been waiting on a Kacestopher wedding since y’all came to my shit. Not everybody gets their happy ending, but I didn’t think y’all would be the ones who wouldn’t have it like y’all always wanted it.”** Barry explained after he ate another wing, and shook his head.

 **“We gon’ make the shit make sense though. We gon’ get this shit tight, and it’s gon’ be tight for good. Even if that means me standing up in a room with my ex-wife, ima do it for y'all because y'all did it for me. It is what the fuck it is.”** Barry explained as I shook my head, wondering how long it had been since he’d been in the same room as Alex. There wasn’t any pop up in particular that I could recall, now that I thought about it.

 **“Ion’ think Alex too concerned about your ass these days. And, how in the fuck did this become a we thing?”** I scrunched up my face, and Barry laughed.

 **“It’s** **_been_ ** **a we thing since I texted your ass and told you to come to studio B, Kacie. Plus, you know there ain’t gon’ be no wedding if I’m not the best man. And, if i’m not the best man, it ain’t gon’ be no wedding. Ain’t no other way for me to say that.”** He explained as I shook my head softly.

 **“Bruh. I’ve been back here what, not even three days yet, and you think this nigga, who for whatever reason, is a mute now, has proposed already?”** I asked as I went back to my food, and dipped a lemon pepper wing into my ranch.

Barry’s eyes went to Chris, who looked between the two of us, and busied his head back into his plate. He stood then, and stepped over to the sink, still cautiously quiet, and poured the rum in his cup until it got to the label. He stood there at the sink, looking at the two of us, eyes lower into slits, flittering back and forth between Barry and I like the emoji eyes emoji, and I sucked my teeth softly at his dramatics, and inability to have an input in the discussion.

 **“Nigga,”** Barry stood then, and smacked Chris in the back of the head. **“You slacking!”**

**“B, leave him alone, okay? He’ll do it when he’s ready. At least we know it’s coming, but I’m not worried about that shit right now. We have other shit to focus on, like Celeste.”**

**“Mmm,”** Barry turned back towards me, and resumed eating his food. Chris held the bottle of rum up towards him, and Barry declined with a mere shake of his head, and looked between the two of us again.

 **“Shit’s gonna get complicated. Second baby Momma don’t know shit about ya first. Other than name and that she can’t get close enough to try and rub elbows. Kacie might rip her fucking throat out. But, Roro gon’ have to get to know her big sister, and her Daddy’s future wife, so… it’s going to be interesting.”** Barry nodded knowingly, and I shook my head softly.

I hadn’t put much thought into Nia at all, and wasn’t about to start. We’d cross that bridge when we had to, but right now, what the fuck I was doing was none of her business _until_ it involved her child, and only then, was it going to be addressed in the right way.

 **“The way I see it, it ain’t gotta be complicated. Everybody knows their place. As long as they stay in their respective lanes, we good.”** Chris finally spoke up as if he had vacated from the entire conversation between Barry and I until his _second baby momma_ was mentioned, and I shrugged slightly as I finished eating my fries.

 **“Virginia gon’ be interesting. I can’t wait to come visit.”** Barry smiled as he shook his head at us, moreso at Chris, who was eyeballing him.

 **“Did you just come here to talk shit while you called yourself playin’ ref, orrrrrr….”** I rolled my hand in his direction, and he swatted my hand away as he took a few more pieces of chicken, and shrugged.

 **“No, no, no you right, I didn’t. Enough of that. What are y’all wearing tonight? You gotta be on theme,”** Barry insisted as he ate a few more fries, and I smiled at him, showing all of my teeth.

 **“Welllllll,”** I trilled as I poured more Mango Punch over my ice, and feeling my mood lift higher as I stood still, **“I’m finna go find all my Booda and Bop earrings and shit.”**

I chuckled into my cup as I saw his face scrunch up at me. **“You finna be ghetto as fuck with that shit, huh?”**

 **“You already kn-oooooow!  ”** I stuck my tongue out and twerked against the sink for a second as I laughed, and resigned my empty plate into the dishwasher.

 **“Nah, I kinda only have an idea of what I wanna wear, but I was fixated on some real specific shit… I’ll have to see what I can pull off when I go back downstairs.”** I explained as I started wiping off the counter and unplugging the deep fryer, and Chris stopped my hands from moving and shook his head at me.

 **“We got this. Go find your stuff. I’ll be down in a minute. Me and B gotta talk about something in private, anyway.”** He motioned as I nodded gently.

I bent in to kiss his cheek, smack Barry in the shoulder, and turned my back on the two of them as I started down the stairs, anxious to really get to unpacking yet another thing left waiting for my return.

...

There was way too much shit in this closet.

His closet was the second garage, but mine, mine was an offshoot of garage storage, but my shit was also way more organized. It was just _too much_ shit in here. It reminded me of the walk in I had back in the place my dad bought in Manhattan, filled with sections of clothes that spanned _years_ in the way.

This was a similar set up, with me being meticulous as fuck. It was spread out into sections like all of my walk-ins had been since I was thankful enough to have such a big ass closet. There are four seasons, and four walls, so everything had its rightful place. In the center, like all of my other set ups, cause if it’s broke, don’t fix it, there was two island like displays. One held jewelry, and a stock of perfumes, skincare, lotions, and other toiletries that wouldn’t fit in my bathroom or the sole dresser I resigned into the actual bedroom. The other one held an assortment of undergarments, socks, and as I got older and more comfortable with my sexuality, lingerie, and a false drawer for spare cash, and other things I didn’t want to lose sight of.

I lowered myself to the floor and sat there for a minute as I popped the false drawer out, and sighed softly as I stuck my fingers into the small gap to pull it out, and sat it on my lap once it was free. My gaze narrowed as I stared down at the assortment of things I don’t think he bothered to even check to see had been left behind once I disappeared. I recalled taking the band of three thousand dollars in cash when I decided to get the fuck out of here, a couple of hoodies, some shoes, and I recalled breaking some shit when I left too -- the door pull had been replaced though.

I stared back into the contents of the drawer and realized there wasn’t too much in here missing. My name and a very small confirmation was staring back at me, and a few ultrasounds were too, highlighting a definite _baby_ on its way, following the events of us going to Punta Cana together. I sighed softly as I stared down at what would end up being my baby girl, and shook my head softly as I stood up, pulling the drawer on the top of the dresser.

There were other things in here that made me chuckle, despite the pang of longing that I saw after seeing Celeste in ultrasound form. There were a couple of microSD cards, a lightning connector to hook it up to my iPad, an assortment of VIP bracelets, two rings linked together with a zip tie, some trinkets from Vegas, and a crumbled up _application for marriage_ that made me shake my head.

Whew bitch, that had been a moment, and a fight to follow that I almost lost for a moment. I don’t even remember why I kept this shit, but I knew that _then,_ we definitely weren’t going to go out that way, and I’m glad we didn’t play ourselves. I glanced down at the SD cards, about four of them, and sucked my teeth for a second, trying to remember exactly _what_ they held, but I wasn’t too sure.

I narrowed my eyes in thought as nothing came up, and I sucked my teeth as I continued staring down into the drawer, wondering how useful it would be to bring these relics back out, just for the sake of inspiration, if anything.

 **“Outta all the shit he called himself coming in here and changing, he coulda just set this whole thing on fire, honestly…”** I muttered softly to myself as I looked at the ultrasound imagery again before placing it back in the drawer, and sliding everything back into its previous spot.

I remembered why I was here, and ignored the winter side of the room, which was really an assortment of jeans and hoodies and coats that were only here for the sake of packing to go somewhere else. The fall side was ignored too, but I did walk over and stare down at the addition of some small shelves, which had been lined with a bunch of Black Pyramid items.

I slid the tank top I had on over my head as I picked up a few of the shirts, and held them up against my chest as I walked over to the mirror paneled wall, and posed with them. Suddenly, it was too quiet in here. I insisted that Spotify played my ‘05-’06 throwback playlist, and chuckled out a curse as the first song in the damned playlist just happened to be _run it._

 **“Bitch no. Google, next song,”** I chuckled as I immediately belted back the intro to _Always On Time,_ and called myself getting hype about this party we were about to go to.

My mind was going back to the drawer, and I was definitely off my game and lost in the sauce as I unpacked a few items from the Black Pyramid haul, and smiled softly at what I saw. I kept getting distracted, but my curiosity was ramping up, and neither of them still had yet to come down into the closet with me, so god knows how that conversation was going.

 **“Oh, this shit is loud as fuck and cute as fuck, just like he always wanted it to be.”** I chuckled as I unfolded a couple of items with a smirk.

I was definitely about to annoy _everybody_ when I took lot of this with me to go to Virginia.

 **“This is not what the fuck I came down here for though,”** I chirped, sitting the items back down as neatly as they were arranged.

Remembering what I was doing, I pulled open a closet door and exhaled softly as the room lit up by motion activation alone. I stepped into only a portion of my shoes, and continued vocalizing with Ashanti as I glanced around at the six Billy bookcases, trying to spot my sneaker collection.

I cheesed as I bopped over to the middle wall of Dunks, Vans, Jordans, and Forces that hadn’t been worn in a _while,_ but at least I knew I would never stress about being without something to wear when I did call myself coming _home_ again. I pulled down the pair of All White High Top Air Force Ones and stretched them just slightly with my hand as I pulled out the wad of balled up paper in them, and took them back out into the main closet area.

**“Okay. Shoes secured. Uhhhhhmmmm…..”**

I had the vision in my head to wear all white forces, a jersey if I had one, or a jersey dress even? I knew if that wasn’t going to work, a bitch kept some velour on deck, so I could go that route too. I think I even had a lil’ Camo dress somewhere in this bitch, and I’d be a Hot Girl if I couldn’t make my mind up. I also had some bomb ass bibs in here, and every time something else popped up in my head, I knew I was gon’ be in here all damned night if I didn’t figure something out.

But, my curiosity won and I glanced across the room again, and before I knew it, I was trying to put the SD card in my iPad to see what was on it. The Lexar JumpDrive app lit the screen up seconds later, showing me six screenshots on the particularly loaded microSD card, all dated from Summer 2007. I cursed softly as I saw myself in a pink swimsuit outside, and immediately yelped into the empty room as I recalled what the fuck was being hidden away from everything else.

_“I’m Booda, and this is Bop,” Eighteen year old me wrapped her hands around eighteen year old Chris’ naked back as he turned his head to cheese widely into the camera._

_I snickered as I made sure to show off the big ass bamboo earrings that read our nicknames as he showed off new ink, which was the addition of our locket and key matching tattoos. Chris had a small key on his shoulder, and I had a locket on mine, and they weren’t even two days old yet._

_He gently ran his fingers across mine for a second, and then stepped away from me and walked over to the sink off camera, and he winked at me as he watched me. I slowly shook my head and forked my head towards the wall, trying to motion for him to come back to me._

_Somewhere, his Bose sound system was playing beats that he was still trying to figure out whether to put on Graduation or not, and it was making me wind my hips up slowly against the stool I was sitting on as I dug into my respective bag and pulled out my food._

_I watched him off screen as he filled the discarded cup in the sink with filtered water, and stepped over to the refrigerator to put ice in it. I was rendered temporarily confused, and looked at him with my head tilted as he sat the cup down between the assortment of fast food bags on the counter, and grunted. He passed the cup to me and then chuckled as he went back to our food, and our drinks, which had been topped off with liquor._

_We were drunk as hell, but I wanted to roleplay. It was all I remember trying to convince him of, especially since I had dyed all the tips of my locs and they fell across my back in ombré black to a pretty purple color. I wanted to roleplay super badly, which bred personalities for both of our nicknames, both being from two different parts of New York. I wanted to roleplay, and he wanted to record me, so this was our compromise. The camera was positioned somewhere near the window ledge, and I paused for only a second as I leaned back against the island, watching him come my way. He folded my soft french fries in half, dipped them in BBQ sauce, and fed them to me._

_“Stop Bop, you gon’ make me start over. Ion’ wanna start over.” We both laughed as I unwrapped another Whopper junior with cheese and he laughed at me, always cool._

_He was so fucking cool and calm, and I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He wouldn't let me eat in peace. He was fucking up the frame really, standing in between my legs as I sat at the island, just bothering me with his back to the camera and his body as close to mine as it could possibly be without being inside of me. We hadn’t spent a second apart since I came here. He was helping me eat, but actually rushing me to finish in the process without using so many words. I didn’t realize that until he kept biting the other side of my burger, and drawing his name over the inside of my thighs for a minute._

_Once the burger was gone, he took another long sip of his drink in the Burger King cup and winked at me._

_“You’re eating slow on purpose,” He insisted as he slid his hands up my back, and I shivered underneath his touch he played with the strings of the KAWS and Married To The Mob collab bikini._

_“You can shut the fuck up,” I laughed softly at his accusation and continued watching the path of his hands. He quickly decided to fill his hands, and then his mouth with the cups of my titties, much to my amusement. I let him get one out and watched him flick his tongue against my nipple, despite the way my back arched on the counter._

_I whined for mouthwash after the combination of Burger King scented kisses and rum tried to invade my mouth. I spotted some by the sink for whatever reason, and cried softly for him to stop until he moved, and pulled me out of the frame again. I don't remember what we were doing off camera, or at least I didn't until the camera started moving, sending the glow of the flash to record me giving him head._

_I wasn't the same horny seventeen year old trying to get her boyfriend off in any way that she knew would work anymore. I knew exactly what the fuck to do now, and since there was not an ounce of parents restriction here, I wasn't playing. I let him gag me for a minute until there was spit running down my mouth, and he was trying not to cum._

_He couldn't help it when my hands stopped holding a place on the side of his thighs but curved up to cup his balls, and I had to lean back to see his reaction. I was always apprehensive when I tried something that I saw that would make this new to him, but it was also like I was getting permission to continue too, because I wanted him to look at me._

_“Fuck my mouth,” Eighteen year old me was a filthy lil’ bitch, and he rocked the fuck out of my mouth for a minute until he pulled out, and shook his head. Hardheaded me, gently sucked the tip back between my lips and started to stroke him back into my mouth until he came, and held on to that fucking camera for dear life._

_“You swallowed all of that, huh?” Chris inquired from behind the camera, and I nodded._

_“Open up, let me see…” I stuck my tongue out to show him my empty mouth, and he smiled at me as he pulled me back up to stand, and kissed me hard on my mouth._

_I wiped my chin and chest off after we parted, and I bent forward to make sure my paper towel ended up in the trash. As soon as I was leaning forward even in the slightest, he was on me. Christopher squeezed me against his chest once I was up again, wrapped his arms around my midsection, and pulled me up off of the floor to sit me on the counter._

_Through sips of Vitamin Water Orange, Mango Punch Minute Maid, and Rum, we finished off our summer tradition of grabbing some Late Night Fast Food and having our Late Night Underage Drink in the kitchen together as he smiled at me, sipped some more liquor out of his cup, and mouthed some nasty shit to me that made my face pull forward in a smirk, and then a slow kiss._

_“He thinks we’re making porn but this is me, tryna figure out my angles first, as I’ve been told. And uhm, to be real, if you’re watchin’ this, shout out to you, ‘cause you’re nosey as fuck.” I remembered the camera was back in the window as he took my top off of me, and I crossed my arms over my chest for a minute as he stepped back in front of me, grabbed my hands, and slowly pinned them to my side as he lowered again, and took another one of my nipples in his mouth._

_This nigga was going to get me exposed and some more shit, but here my dumbass was, trembling every time he breathed me in, or got too close to me. He was trying to get me to bend over the back of a stool, but I kept throwing my ass back at him, and looking back towards the living room every so often, just sure somebody was gonna come back._

_“They nosey and you're nasty,” Chris insisted as he smiled at me, just looking at me. I shook my head at him and pushed away from him as I cheesed at him._

_“This was your idea Bop,” I giggled as he nodded softly and his smile grew wider, showing off his grill as he came closer to me, and wrapped his hands around my waist, coming for my neck._

_In his mouth was a grill that matched the one in his mouth in mine, and he cheesed at me, making me shiver at the sight. He got off when I acted like that, and pulled back to look at me, and pucker up his lips to silently request a kiss, but I was too busy just taking him in, and looking at him. I wrapped my foot around his calve and pulled him closer to me, and I giggled as I smacked his head away from my neck as he advanced upon me._

_“We need a cameraman. It ain't gon get all of my favorite parts,” I was deadass as he acknowledged my comment by moving away from me, and grabbing the camera from the window, curious to test it out._

_I scooted back as he took a step back as well, and then looked at me briefly as he used his free hand to frame the camera down my body, pausing where we met in the middle, connected by our legs. I was drunk as fuck, and I even grabbed my cup, and was definitely guzzling the fuck out of it, but once his hands grazed down my thighs, the bouncing tremble in them was pushing him back._

_“I can shoot it now for real,” He insisted as I watched him push his swim trunk and boxer combination off of his hips very slightly, and as I watched the bathing ape red shorts hit the floor, I huffed softly, not surprised by his sudden nudity, but wanting to be naked too._

_“I’m naked, so you need to be too. Untie that for me, boo. Take that shit off.”_

**“Ooooooooh fuck. Yooooo, where’d you find thaaaaaaat?”** I was thrown off when Chris came up behind me, and moved my hair to drop a kiss on my shoulder.

I whined softly as I whirled away from him and he advanced behind me, inching up on his heels to watch our eighteen year old selves have sex in the kitchen. He let the video go on for a little bit longer as he cursed loudly behind the two of us, and slapped my ass as I stopped the playback.

 **“Gotdamn Kacie, no wonder your ass ain’t find nothing. You in here watching old porn. And if that’s what you’re on, we don’t have to leave if you don’t want to.”** He insisted, and I laughed gently as I turned around to face him.

 **“No, we’re still going. We’re getting out of the house. We’re gonna turn up, and come back home together.”** I sat the iPad back down on a stool, and felt his eyes on me as I went back to my previous assignment.

I moved away from the Fall stuff, and stood in the middle of _Spring_ and _Summer,_ which really all bled together in a series of tops, bottoms, dresses, and shoes. I reached a section dedicated especially to dresses and turned towards Chris and raised my eyebrow. He smiled at me in my shorts and bra as I smiled back at him, and pulled the braids that he’d done up into the bun on top of my head. I was getting hot, and he chuckled as he passed me a bottle of water. I watched him go over to the jewelry island and open a display, and clap his hands together as he sat a box on top of it.

 **“Nuh uh motherfucker,”** My eyes lowered into slits, and he chuckled.

 **“Nuh uh shit, calm your hype ass down. You want your earrings, don’t you?”** He asked as he opened the box, holding up the giant hoops that read our nicknames on it.

I squealed as I bounced over to him, and true to form, pulled the small diamond studs out of my ears and put them in immediately. He chuckled as I swayed my hips to the sounds of _Don’t Matter_ by Akon, and started singing the chorus to him. I made it my business to ignore the idea of questioning the curiosity towards his behavior with Barry this time around, and decided to just focus on right now, and getting to this party.

 **‘Nobody wanna see us togetherrrrr, but it don’t mattttter no, cause I got youuuu.”** I pointed at him as I hiprolled in front of him, and he shook his head.

 **“What are you wearing, Babe?”** He nearly snapped his fingers at me, and I clucked my tongue at him as I shrugged, and drank more water.

 **“What** **_should_ ** **I wear? Help.”** I motioned, but he had other intentions.

 **“Turn around for Daddy, let me see…”** He framed me out and wedged his tongue in between his lips.

I don’t think it was helping that the shorts plastered over my ass right now was the same shade of pink that I was watching him pull off of eighteen year old me in that damned video clip. It made my stomach flutter with butterflies as I looked at him, and then shook my head, trying to act like I wasn’t thinking about it still.

 **“What you wanna wear, you wanna be comfortable? You always wanna be comfortable.. you wanna be… real comfortable, or still cute, easy access comfortable?”** He inquired softly as he debated against a few different choices, and walked away from me.

I watched him closely, smiling lazily at the mere sight of him as he stood in front of the dresses, and pulled out a few of them, and held them up for me to examine. He pulled out a few choices and I shrugged at all of them as he removed them from the rack and sat them on a smaller extension of the rack itself, and turned back towards me.

 **“Pick something,”** He suggested softly, and I threw my hands up in animated confusion.

 **“I have no idea, baby!”** I chuckled, moving closer to him, and pushing back his choices.

 **“You just wanna feel my ass through whatever I wear,”** I gasped as he smiled at me and filled his hand with a cupful of ass. He pulled me into him with a hard grip, and I pressed my lips against the corner of his mouth, then his mouth, and slowly flicked my tongue against his as he hummed, and squeezed me into his chest.

 **“Kaaaaaace. You know I’ll say fuck it real quick,”** He insisted as I shook my head softly and we separated, with me pushing him away from me as I untangled a braid from the inside of my hoop.

 **“I’ma have these thighs and these legs out.”** I stuck my tongue out at him as he shook his head softly at my decision, and bit his lip as he stared down at my thighs and legs.

 **“Remember, it’s a theme party. You wanna dress like twins? All I gotta do is make a call or coordinate from here.”** He asked, and I pursed my lips.

 **“Okay, I have… my forces, and my jewelry, right? I was thinking maybe I could wear a jersey dress… I know I got one in here somewhere. I should have like two of them,”** I explained as I moved in front of him, and smiled widely as I finally spotted them.

 **“Awwwww bitch, okay, so, Iverson or Jordan? Naw, naw no contest, definitely Iverson.”** I smiled at the black Sixers jersey dress as he nodded and winked at me.

 **“Now you gotta go into your shit and find your Sixers jersey. Oooh, and some Girbauds! You got some Girbauds?”** I chuckled as he shook his head at me, and followed me out of the closet with a shake of his head.

 **“You ready now? You ready to go turn up? I know your ass is hype enough...”** He asked, and I nodded softly.

 **“I am, I’m finna go get showered and changed. So, ion’ know why you still standing, staring at me. Go find your shit so we can do this.”** I waved him off as he laughed at me, walking down the hall with a smile on his face.

 **“I feel like I’ma need some back up tonight, I’m finna shoot off a text!”** I yelled to his retreating form as we separated, and I stopped to scroll through my contacts, tryna piece together _something…_

Hopefully, it’d all work out in my favor.

…

 **Alex** | okay, where are you? Just got in.

Where was I? Oh, fuck. By the ba….not by the bar. Not anymore. uhhh... shit.

I’ve been here for like an hour already. I’m two brownies, four shots, and a bottle of Patron in already, ‘cause I know I need to be buzzing, and I realize it’s a bit much for a Thursday, but, this is LA, ion’ really… I’ll be fine. I’ve seen bitches do coke in the bathroom and go to a business meeting in the same building as mine, I’ll piss all of  this liquor out and sleep this high off, I’ll be fine tomorrow.

 **“Bitch, where am I? Where the fuck…”** The bar wasn’t too far away from me, but in the moment, I couldn’t really vocalize where I was for real.

I peered down at my phone and then back up, quickly pinpointing my surroundings with a photo of what was directly in front of me. I was still finishing off my bottle of Patron, and I couldn’t really explain myself as best as I needed to, and hopefully Alex understood that.

I tried to spot not only her, but also Billie, who had pulled her head up from Tyler’s destructive ass, Bee, who surprised me when she agreed, and anyone else who had answered my impromptu, **“aye, u wanna come to this party w me and Chris?”** text that I had sent out earlier. I was multitasking harder than I’ve been in a minute. My phone was back in my hand for good reason after I decided if I was giving into any app, it would be the stories feature on IG, and the same thing - or more, depending on how I felt, would go up on Snapchat.

I had been snapping us the whole time since we’d gotten dressed, pre-gamed, and wound up here. I was gonna be tired as shit tomorrow, but that was okay. Maybe. Right now though, I wasn’t too concerned about it. I spotted Alex in a camo two piece outfit and chuckled slightly as I waved my hand, trying to get her to move over towards where I was. It took only fucking seconds for me to frown inwardly as I noticed she had been spotted and stopped by the last person I intended on running into while I was out here.

 **“This nigga,”** I scoffed, looking at him. I figured he’d be busy, not across the room in another pit, already facing a bottle of D’usse.

It had been a _while_ since we had been out, willingly together. We even discussed it prior to him throwing a fucking fit at dinner, but I knew we’d been apart long enough to work those kinks out, so hopefully we could do all of the things we talked about. I’m not surprised by the fact that while I’m in a party in LA, I ran into somebody I didn’t intend on seeing, but it wasn’t even him that got my eyes rolling.

That was all Tabria, who pressed her lips against his ear and then a few seconds later, he was sending her off somewhere. I wedged my tongue between the barely open part of my lips and smoothed down my dress over my hips as I figured out how to get over there. Chris was still somewhere trying to direct a couple of his friends as to where we were, and I wasn’t trying to keep going through with this night, not focused on him, after I spotted Mike.

I wanted him to know we were in the same place, and I made sure to be stealthy as fuck as I stopped staring at the back of his head, took another shot of Patron and Cuervo to finish off the bottle, and kept my focus on him. I knew I wasn’t the only person checking for him, looking fine as fuck in his vintage Sean John shirt, and black matching Sean John velour sweatpants. I cursed softly as I got closer, taking him in fully. He had on a Sean John headband, the slightest hint of a grill in his mouth, fucking all white Air Forces, and a pristine white durag over his head.

I had been watching him like a fuckin’ creep thanks to the liquor I had been sipping, but I was up now, and close enough to snatch his ass, if I wanted to. I was literally debating it for a hot second, but thought against it. I was gon’ make my mark on him regardless as to if he decided to busy himself with Tabria or not though.

So, I stood in front of him, wrapped my arms around him, and kissed him on his neck like we hadn’t been beefing for this entire fucking time. He responded instantly, and I melted into him as he picked me up from the ground, and slowly lowered me to my own two feet again.

 **“Babe, you still fucking mad at me?”** I inquired softly as I leaned into his chest to get him to look at me. His lips turned up into a smirk, and he just _eyeballed me,_ giving me a look I’d been subjected to thousands of times.

A look that read, “ _you good now?”_ in so little words. I wasn’t even the one starting shit though, but since we’d known each other and gotten into arguments, I almost _always_ cracked first. I couldn’t stay mad at him. I admit it.  Michael looked stupid as fuck as we both heard his name being called out, but he never picked his head up to look and see who it was. We both knew who it was, and it only made me purse my lips at him, and this bullshit.

**“Mike?”**

**“Oh, you can’t hear me now? Or, or am I interrupting somethinnnnnnng? Julemmeknow,”** I looked over my shoulders briefly, and then back at him. He looked down at me, but scoffed softly and shook his head in the negative.

That pleased me immensely as I wrapped my arms around him again, and stayed on my tiptoes to press my head into the crook of his neck, trying to convey my next message with as much intensity as I could. I was on a mission to stay close, but also to make sure he knew I was for real. I started digging my nails into his arms as I held on to him, leaving my mark like I used to do back in High School.

 **“I’m coming home Monday. I was serious when I said that you needed to cool off, but you done went and got lil’ baby all riled up, so I hope she don’t think she finna pop back off. Tell her I said that ain’t happening.”** I insisted sharply, and he scoffed in return.

 **“But, ain’t you here with-”** He started to question me, and I pressed my hand over his mouth, trying to silence him.

 **“Michael,”** I pulled back and warned him not to start an argument without much of a follow up, and watched his lips curl up into a smirk.

 **“You’re tipsy.”** He accused me, raising his eyebrow, to which I immediately scrunched up my face at, but didn’t deny.

 **“You ain’t even gotta say anything. I know you are, cause I’m My-Cul now, Booda. I ain't gon’ fight you baby. Do you.”** He insisted as I immediately leaned back into his ear, and caressed his arms once more as I spit out my thoughts.

 **“Is this even a do you moment tho? Like, I wanna tee off on your ass. And, me and you definitely not finna do the same shit for this entire summer, because I will come home and kick you dead in the chest. Ion’ care how big your arms are. Ion’ care that you can throw me the fuck across the room.”** I stepped back to look into his eyes as I rubbed his bicep, and bit down on my lip. He looked at me with that smile that always won me over, and chuckled at me.

 **“Stop smiling.”** He instructed as my smirk evolved into a smile, and my fingers lazily traced up and down the muscles hiding behind his shirt.

I ran my nails down his chest and looked back up at him, and shook my head knowingly, trying to shake the vision of me pulling him somewhere so I could hold on to those same big ass arms as he let me ride out my frustrations on him.

 **“Shut the fuck up.”** I whispered, and he chuckled as he grasped my hand in his and pulled me back to get a good look at me.

 **“Let me look at you. Got those fuckin’ thighs out and shit, your boy let you leave like this?”** The tone of his voice made me curse lowly at him as I craned my neck, and stepped back for him.

 **“You know who fuckin’ dressed me, don’t play.”** I spun around by the guidance of his hand, and tilted my head as he looked at the earrings in my ear, and the jewelry I wore, like it was reminding him of something. It clicked that I wasn’t here with his ass, and I debated for a second what I could pull off, really...

 **“Stop smiling, Booda.”** He insisted again, narrowing his gaze in my direction.

I rolled my eyes at him as I shook my head, and my smile switched back to a frown as I looked at how big his arms was, and hated how it was turning me on. I loved when he bulked up, and Creed’s sequel was being _so fucking good_ to him already. I couldn’t deal with the shit the first time around, and I knew the second time around was really going to fuck me up once I did go back home.

He knew what I was thinking about too, and bit down on his lip as he made his muscles jump, and I smacked him in the chest. He braced his hands over my wrists, guiding my hands down his chest, and towards his thighs. I curved inwardly and he let me keep pushing forward, and I scoffed softly at the weight in my hand.

 **“Why you gon’ do me like that? You know what the fuck I’m on. You know I can just pull it the fuck out… ‘cause you got on velour too, just so I can slide them bitches down easily. No belt, no nothing.”** I leaned back into his ear and gently bit on his earlobe as he grabbed my ass over my dress, and his hand trailed down to my thigh before I pulled away from him.

 **“I ain’t doin’ this wit’chu right now though,”** I kissed him softly on his lips, and shook my head. I couldn’t, and didn’t want to step back, and just shook my head at the sight of him.

 **“I am maaaaaad, at you, what the fuck? And for real, your arms shouldn’t even be that fucking big. I’m still mad at you for acting like a dumbass, but don’t worry. Save me a dance. We gon’ talk.”** He knew better than to say anything to me, and I shook my head gently as I finally decided to walk away from him.

I know my face was scrunched up in annoyance, disgust, irritation - all that, as I watched Tabria slink back to his side from where ever he’d sent her off to, and wrapped her hand around his wrist. I’d address that later, but right now, girl, if you don’t…

I waved my hand to ward off my thoughts as I shook my head at the two of them, and her standing there, like it ain’t just _her turn,_ girl, we not finna do this shit every fucking time. If it wasn’t with her, I was having flashbacks to Karrueche like it was old times again. I swallowed softly and shook my head, and opted not to open my mouth.

 **“Don’t forget what I just said, Babe.”** I kissed him softly on the lips as I winked at her, and served the both of them back as I watched Chris climb back up the platform to the waiting VIP area where I’d escaped from.

I had to make my way back, and before I did that, I had to talk myself out of wanting to start some shit tonight that I probably wasn’t going to mentally process like I should. But! In my defense, I _was_ drinking, and I probably wouldn’t care while it went down, seeing as how it wouldn’t be the first time, but you know… I’d have to do a lot of convincing to even convince Chris of what I wanted.

 **“You down there threatening people?”** He asked me as soon as I got close to him, and I shook my head no. He pursed his lips at me as he held up his phone, and I scrunched my face up as I attempted to read his screen.

 **Mike |** _watch Kacie, she’s getting handsy and threatening folks already_

 **“Nigga, what?”** I sucked my teeth softly, and bent over the railing, angling towards his little section of VIP to yell, **“Quit fuckin’ snitching, Mike!”**

I wanted to pull Chris over there with me, but I couldn’t. This wasn’t a solo mission, but it would have been easier for all three of us to disappear if we were alone. I pressed my lips together and watched him sit back down and cut his eyes at me as I grabbed his free hand, and watched the same thing he did.

 **“You doin’ something. Getting people riled the fuck up, that’s what you’re doing.”** Chris wasn’t scolding me, but it still made me shift my thighs together as I looked over at him, then at the two of them, not too far away from us.

Tabria wasn’t happy at all, and I sucked my teeth softly at the sight of their discussion as I shrugged my free shoulder, and turned back towards Chris with my eyebrow up as we stopped being nosey. I don’t know what the fuck he wanted _me_ to do about anything though. I exhaled softly before deciding if I wanted to bother myself with the situation, and quickly opted not to. I shook my head as I turned my back to his pit, and took a head count of everyone I had invited out, and smiled at all of them for actually coming.

I know some of them were shocked because of what they had heard, and hella people were just here to see it in person, so it was a combination of the two of those things that was definitely  going to keep me just as fucked up as I was towards the duration of the Day Party. I was trying to get myself back into the headspace of knowing whatever I was going to do was going to be something that everyone was really concerned about, and I didn’t want it to become a conflict between what I was doing in my personal life, versus my growing celebrity, because shit, I needed an off day too, you know?  

Gotdamn…

 **“Don’t be thinking too hard over there Boo,”** Chris passed me a shot, and I shook my head as I took it, and sat the tiny shot glass back down in front of me.

 **“You ain’t gon be able to fix everything. Just, let them do them, and you pick it back up when you’re ready, ain’t that what you do anyway?”** He asked, as he forced my shoulder to shrug a little, and I scoffed as I turned away from them again.

Yeah, okay, whatever. I shook my head at the possibility of surmounting drama, accepted it for what it was with another shot, and folded my arms across my chest a little as Chris stood in front of me, trying to get me to fix my face. He held on to my hips and pushed me into a little sway as _Sunshine_ by Lil’ Flip played, and I smiled as I conceded to his attempt, and sang the chorus back to him.

More drinks got passed, _Bet You Can’t Do It Like Me_ got tossed into the mix as an interlude, making everyone break out in the prompted dances, including me, still trying to outdo Baby, who was trying not to get me too hype as I stopped dancing at one point, and complained about the sample.

 **“This that JuJu on the beat bullshit all over again,”** I laughed as he shook his head at me, not even around for that, but God, I was not with the shits. The sample resonated through the room though, and I sucked my teeth through a few more shots between Bee, Alex and I, and then Billie, who turned her phone towards me so I could flip Tyler off.

 **“Y’all, why they playing with me? They know Knuck If You Buck gon’ be played at both my wedding and my funeral,”** I asked as I leaned against the table we stood up around, and everyone shook their heads at my seriousness.

I heard the familiar intro to one of my all time favorite fight songs and gasped loudly as I heard Chris chuckle behind me, move away from me to pick up his phone. Seconds later, everyone else was as primed and ready to record me as I leaned into the railing, proclaiming, **“They did this shit for me!!!! Bruh, y’all know this is my favorite fucking song!!”**

I turned towards Chris instantly and smiled at him knowingly. He looked good as fuck in his black Sixers jersey, red durag and fitted combo, red rag in his baggy Girbaud jeans pocket, and white Air Force Ones, and I was all over him, no space given.

Okay, until he gave me a little bit of space, and I clucked my tongue, but I was already mid-wind up from the mix, as my song truly started to play and was no longer a teasing intro loop. Chris held on to me as we started jumping around the area together, and he encouraged me to rap the entire fucking song, like I was known to do.

 **“Get the boy parts, I got everything else,”** I instructed as I tried to stop smiling at him, and waiting on my cue as he hyped me up.

Once everyone started recording me, I think this was one of the first times in a long time that I ain’t even care, ‘cause I had my phone in my hand myself, hype. This was me in my element, with one hand over my titties because I felt like I was too hype, but the entire song was rapped flawlessly by your girl and her man for backup, and he was in tears as he pulled me down to sit again, and held my hands.

 **“Your lil’ ass really gon fight somebody. You ain’t gon go swing on Tabria, are you?”** He chuckled as I shook my head no, but I was still brimming with energy.

 _Knuck if You Buck_ segued immediately into another Crime Mob banger, and I pulled him up to dance in front of hip as _Rock Your Hips_ played, and I finally spotted my sisters, who all shook their heads at me. I rocked my hips in front of him as he gripped the sides of my dress, holding it down from coming up against my hips as I grinded up against him.

 **“Keep fuckin’ playing,”** He whispered as I laughed softly, knowing I wasn’t, but I thought about it.

 **“I’m not, I’m… considering something?”** I questioned as I pulled away, narrowing my eyes at him for a moment before I let him go, and watched him shake his head at me as he tended to his phone.

 **“I feel like I’m in a time warp,”** Alex insisted as I cheesed at her and made my way over to where she was, and held her hands as I tried to get her to do the choreography with me.

 **“Rock ya hips, then wave, and sip--”** I broke out in loud laughter as a new bottle of liquor, Mango Malibu this time, went into my hand on cue for the sipping portion.

I tilted the bottle up to my mouth as I walked back over to Chris, and wrapped my hands around his neck again. I played with the _Booda_ necklace around his neck, and winked at him.

 **“How you think this night gon’ end?”** He asked, and I shrugged, and turned towards Billie, who was close enough for me to pull closer by wrapping my hand around my wrist.

 **“He said, how you think this night gon’ end?”** I parroted, and she laughed softly.

**“For who, for me? Or for y’all?”**

I looked between Chris and her, and he laughed. **“Either. Humor me.”**

 **“Oh, y’all gon end up in a corner or a bathroom. Me, I might end up Facetiming Ty to get me out of here.”** Billie deduced as I pressed my lips up against Chris’ neck, repeating some of the things I heard him tell me once before that got me to a corner or a bathroom. His neck was hot as I pulled back, and stuck my tongue out at him.

 **“You know I ain’t lying either, that’s why your neck is hot and your ears are getting warm and your d-”** He put his hand over my mouth as I giggled and pushed it away from me, and kissed him softly.

 **“As a matter fact, before y’all do all that, lemme get a picture of this shit.”** Billie insisted, as I stuck my chin out, smiling at her.

It wasn’t enough then. I shook my head and pulled him closer to me, trying to angle us correctly, not knowing what she was even focusing on.

 **“If you gon’ do it, do it right, lemme gesture.”** I pushed my titties up in my bra underneath my dress, and flourished my fingers to frame my necklace, which read _Bop._

Chris chuckled as he slid in front of me, gesturing in a similar way to my name around his. I shook my head and wrapped my arms around him, and kissed his temple as I lingered there for a second, and Billie let out a long drawl hum, sounding like someone’s Gramma.

 **“Okay friend, be good. You know better than she does right now.”** She warned him as I laughed at her.

Chris kissed me again before I let him go as I went to sit down next to Alex, and remembered my bottle was still in my grasp. No wonder I couldn’t grip him like I wanted to. I looked at Alex again, and shook my head softly.

 **“You want some?”** I tilted the bottle of Rum towards her, and she shook her head, and I laughed.

 **“Naw like, I’ll get you a bottle, you want a bottle?”** I asked, and she shook her head again.

Something had taken her attention from across the floor, and I tilted my head as I followed her gaze, and spotted Barry, dressed like one of Dipset’s rejects just like Chris was. My eyes widened as I leaned into her, and hummed lowly in my throat.

 **“Ooh. Fuck. Sober me told you about this right? If she didn’t, I definitely texted you, unless I thought about it. I’m sorry.”** I piled up my apologizes before I hummed again, watching Barry approach us slower and slower, until he stopped at a railing, and didn’t come closer to us.

 **“It’s okay. I didn’t expect thing one without thing two, no matter how** **_washed_ ** **he claims to be lately.”** Her smile was small, but grew a little as I saw Barry’s legs appear in front of me.

The horns to Amerie’s _1 Thing_ started up as Barry sat next to me, sighed softly, and then flung his arm around me. His other one went up too, lapping over Alex’s shoulders. I was shimmying underneath his hold until he slowly picked his hand up off of me, and I started lip syncing along to the lyrics, very dramatically.

**“La La La La La, oh!”**

**“Dadadada, da oh!”** I tried to get Barry to shimmy too, but Billie was feeling it! She returned my shimmy from across the floor, and that’s why I fuckin’ love her.

 **“Hey Alex... remember when Kacie told us that this song was about anal?”** Barry insisted as I laughed loudly and slapped him in his chest.

I definitely needed to lighten the fire I felt growing in the room, or maybe that was just my face? I watched Alex take a shot of Crown Apple as Barry pulled it out of God knows where, and I shook my head. He offered me one and I shook my head, holding up my bottle of rum.

**“You on rum and tequila tonight? Oh, y’all finna break some shit tonight, huh?”**

**“Shut the fuck up, why do you remember that? Why you remember any of that?”** I asked, standing back up on my feet again.

I tried to look down into the bottle of Malibu, but it ain’t work out like I wanted to. I saw hands before I looked up to see Billie take it out of my hand, and I scrunched up my face at her as she tilted the bottle back, and I threw my head back in shock, despite me still moving my hips to Amerie, and trying not to twerk to the hi-hats.

 **“Ohh, ohh, what? What, what happened?”** I craned my neck and whirled around to see why everyone had decided to give into my decision to drink.

Alex was talking to Barry, craned my neck and saw that Mike was alone, and Tabria wasn’t anywhere near, and I wanted to have him over here, if that was the case. I exhaled, too hot, moving a lil’ too much as I pulled my phone up to my eye level and texted him.

 **KC |** baby come over here u by yarouslef now you wanna come over her e??? U DO owe me a dance. Come dance wiht nmeeeeeeeeeeeeee omg ask them to play dance with me by 112 or is that not the mae of the song?

I let out the loudest fucking chuckle when the intro to _Bump, Bump, Bump_ started to play, ‘cause really, only thing this was missing was Omari to make this night even fucking better, or funnier. I’m not sure. I just know he was apart of the fuckin’ culture and needed to be here. The party was doing fuckin’ numbers though because I spotted Mario not too long ago and smiled at him, wondering if that _Empire_ gig was working out, but we exchanged numbers, since he was getting into acting again.

I know Omari had been up to something, talking about touring with the boys again, but we only talked about it briefly, but something was telling me this would be a good idea to see at least how it would be received. I couldn’t turn the business part of my brain off as I thought about it, but still wasn’t sure why everyone was all hype.

My mouth formed a perfect o as I watched my older brother step into the area, and I giggled. No fucking wonder. I don’t think I summoned him, either.

 **“Yoooooooo, you were not supposed to be comin’ this way and getting into the mix of this like this, who summoned you?”** I inquired as I stepped back and looked at him, dressed reaaaal similar to Chris, in the Lakers shit I declined to go with, looking like he was late to a fuckin Word Up! Shoot.

 **“You on theme as fuck!”** I exclaimed as I smacked his arm, and he shook his head at me.

 **“Why you look like you late to a Word Up photoshoot?”** Chris asked, and I laughed.

 **“I swear you are all up in my fuckin’ head. Ole J-14 headass boy,”** I flung my hand towards Omari, and batted away his attempt to push my head away from him as I parted from our hug.

 **“If you’on get yo ole, Juelz Santana with the ‘fit headass,”** Omari retorted in Chris’ direction, and I cackled.

 **“Ole, that’s the reason why I love you BB Gun headass,”** I laughed and smacked him in the back with my free hand, and offered the bottle to him, and he shook his head.

I turned my bottle back up to my mouth and winced as it was gone, and I cursed softly to myself as I sat it back down. It is hard as fuck to drink with a grill in, ‘cause everything is like, sloshing  as I around inside of my mouth and it ain’t nothing that I want, but it doesn’t stop me from drinking. Omari wanted shots, and pulled me to the bar in one swift motion.

 **“I ain’t on this shit, you like dark shit. I’m already on Malibu and Patron, I’m sticking with the white girls today,”** I scrunched up my face at the sixteen lined up lil’ cups, and stared at him.

 **“Omari, why it’s so many fucking cups right here? Not you tryna catch up with an eight for eight my nigga,”** I laughed as I leaned against the bar, and he nodded at me.

 **“I gotta,”** He insisted, stretching his hand out towards my face. **“Cause apparently, you fucked up, and you gon’ need some water soon, so why not?”**

I mimicked him and shook my head at him. I was _not_ fucked up. I wasn’t. And, besides, Chris was gon’ swoop in and take at least three of them, only ‘cause I was holding his hand, and leaning into him, telling him he was fine as fuck, and I was _not_ fucked up, but I ain’t been _this drunk_ since his birthday, and he turned to face me, and pressed his lips against mine, stopping me from rambling.

 **“What even is that shit he got us drinking anyway?”** I asked at he took the first three, and turned towards me with a smile.

 **“You like it. Drink the rest of em,”** He encouraged me as I continued to rock my hips, and take what I learned was shots of Cuervo, and I cursed loudly once they were gone.

 **“Make sure you get some water. If I don’t see you with some, I’ll get you one.”** Omari told me as I nodded, and turned to Chris, pressing my head against his shoulder.

 **“Baby, I want a bottle of Cuervo… the one with the gold innit… but after that, I promise, I ain’t drinkin’ shit else,”** I looked him in his eyes and he shook his head at me.

 **“I promise I ain’t drinkin’ shiiiiiiiit ellllllse.”** I announced to whoever listened, and smiled softly at someone who had touched my back in passing, and I cooed loudly when I saw that it was Shad, and wondered what the fuck he and my brother was up to again.

Bitch, talk about war flashbacks.

I shook my head softly as I watched them, and looked over at Billie, trying to catch the tea. She had taken my internship, was one of my closest direct links to the few year gap between my generation and hers, which was really a huge ass gap when you’re like a whole high school to college graduation year apart. I just wanted to know something they hadn’t kept me in the loop on, or something that I had failed to keep up with while immersed in my own work.

She mouthed something at me and I mouthed back, **“I have no idea what the fuck you’re saying,”** and shrugged.

Another bottle was offered to me, not what I requested though, and I shook my head, pointing at my empty two that somehow had made sure to end up right in front of me. I shook my head at them though, ‘cause I wasn’t twenty one and anymore, and they weren’t decor, so why in the fuck were they just _there?_ I had gone through two bottles since I got here, therefore... I was good. I was in my zone and decided to sit on Bee’s lap and interrupt her conversation, only to find myself back on my feet as _Pop Lock And Drop It_ started playing.

I was on a wave of good energy, pure good energy, and drunkenness at the moment, and I think everybody was aware of that. But, I was nice though, and hella friendly, so, I mean…

I realized that I wasn’t being a good host though, but, was I hosting when all I did was invite people? Nawhl… I did spot a circle of my staff come into the circle though, and I was so glad that we had gone through _this_ before, or at least something similar. Everybody knew Drunk!Kacie was definitely going to be a hot ass beat clap, and Drunk!Kacie’s antics weren’t going to be discussed outside of an approved setting, which was usually our _off topic but.._ Work-related Discord chat, or a group chat, whether it be in person or on our phones.

I liked shit to self-destruct too though, so they’d better get their life in person, cause...

I am the worst at inviting people to shit though, because I literally function on two waves; either I’ma be all up under the people I came with, or I’ma forget who I came with because I’m feeling _everything,_ and right now, I’m feeling _everything._ But, it’s okay though! Everyone’s just hype to see me with Chris and I’m okay, and I wonder where Michael is, but I don’t know where my phone is so- fuck.

Fuck.

Oh well man, fuck.

 **“Wait wait wait, can we do requests? CAN WE DO REQUESTS?!”** I inquired loudly as I dropped, thankful that I still had some strong ass knees, ‘cause I saw some bitches beyond the line of the spot where we were, struggggggling.

 **“I want you to stand right here and you to stand right here, right? And then, somehow, I want y’all to dance battle for me.”** I smiled between my baby and my brother, and they both shook their heads at me, trying to be cute, tryna downplay like this wasn’t gon happen.

It definitely absolutely was gon’ happen, ‘cause I knew how to stroke that competitive shit between the two of them, and I don’t know why they were playing me like this. I wanted to see some real life fucking choreography, poppin’, not poppin, we not doin’ that.

No popping. Oh my fucking god.

 **“Yo, somebod-- Bee, go tell that nigga to play Touch, and then Touch it by Busta Rhymes cause I wanna hear that now too? And give him this,”** I pulled a fifty from my bra, and she laughed at me.

**“Did you just give me titty money, Kacie?”**

**“Man shut up, ain’t nobody talmbout titty money right now, okay? Please and thank you.”** I watched her disappear as I smiled at the two of them, and got my life against the railing to Kevin Lyttle.

I giggled at all of the cursing behind me as I struggled to keep my fuckin’ jersey dress down, and felt those soft ass hands on my hips, and mumbling about wilding out in my ear. I had no idea what he was talking about, but the grinding between us got picked up, and he pulled me away from the railing then, and dropped in a seat. I was honestly hoping Bee failed at her attempt of getting across to the booth if this was what we were going to do.

 **“You gotta behave,”** He spanked my ass during one of my upward hip rolls, and I sat down on his lap and giggled at him.

 **“Please. Your brother’s doin’ that thing when he acts like he’s not paying attention to us, but he’s definitely watching you. I’m only beggin’ cause you won’t like tomorrow if you don’t.”** Chris begged, and it made my hips still as I saw Omari’s head snap away from me on his lap. My legs crossed then, and I sat on his lap, just resting there, and fighting the urge to move.

Him begging made me narrow my eyes forward for a second as I did, and pushed the thought to the back of my head. I looked around, watching Omari skirt around Billie, Barry and Alex holding a quiet conversation on two different sides of the table, and I felt like I was pulling everybody back into a time warp for real.

I don’t know how I ended up against his chest, but I giggled as Chris wrapped his hands around my thighs and attempted to close them for me. I exhaled as _Turn Me On_ pushed us into a fuckin’ segment, and soon after, I was hip rolling just as he was behind me to Wayne Wonder’s _No Letting Go_.

 **“You don’t care, do you? You care, but I gotta drive, so I’m not fucked up like you are, but, you don’t care, huh?”** He questioned, and I shook my head gently.

 **“And don’t,”** I responded as _Baby Boy_ started playing, making me turn to face him.

I started doing my best dancehall impression with Chris in front of me, but the songs weren’t getting played in full and getting mixed with another banger. God, this was finna make me feel some kinda way that I already was feelin’, but it was gonna ramp it up. It was making me hype as fuck, and everybody could tell, too. Before I knew it, and we had entered the Beyonce section of this whole thing, but it was going to make me fuckin’ cry once someone started dancing to B’Day.

 **“Baby!”** I immediately burst into tears that I tried to hide, and fanned my face as he laughed.

I had stopped shortly after he wrapped his arms around me, but I was fuckin’ done. I let him keep his arms around me, even though this wasn’t something to sway to, but I knew where his head was. I kissed his nose and his lips before letting him go, and fanning my face again.

The Beyonce related hits and my sudden tears didn’t last long, because soon after, we were having a fucking moment. Because I hate this about LA Clubs, they spot someone and all of a sudden, it’s their turn, it’s their shit, and I almost fuckin’ peed on myself when _Shortie Like Mine_ started playing, and I slapped Chris’ hands down, and started shaking my head.

 **“Ohhhhhh fuck no, nope, get away from me,”** I shook my head softly as he chuckled and rubbed the bit of facial hair he was holding on to, and my stomach dipped and my legs pressed together.

 **“I wanna sing this shit,”** One of the two parts of Shamarion insisted, and I whined softly, knowing they’d draw attention over here.

Omari and Shad actually summoned microphones after that, despite my cries that this wasn’t a concert! And, I slapped his hands down again as he wrapped his hands around my waist and pinned me against the railing as he did his fair share of ad libbing. It really felt like ‘06 in here, and I was gonna be mad as fuck when this shit got around, so I was trying to get the scowl off of my face, because I knew it was going to do numbers.

 **“Not you too, Baby. Oh my god.”** I rolled my eyes as he put me on the spot as he hugged me against his chest, literally tick-tock rocking behind me as he sang the last verse to me.

I continued to mouth how I was going to fuck him up once he turned me to face him. I was blushing as he winked at me, and discreetly ran his hand up my thigh as he swooped in to press me against his chest, and kissed the side of my temples.

It didn’t take long for Omari and Shad to leave us, which actually had me fuckin’ dead, because Billie was yelling, tryin’ to get Omari to sing _what do you say_ to her, and he was going to do the shit too. The way his smile was plastered there on his face, they had to have come to some kinda amicable terms recently. I’m fuckin’ positive that _she_ decided to be cordial, or she wouldn’t be there, so it was interesting to see a lunge of maturity, ‘cause I’d still be ready to fight him if I was her.

Maybe. Let me not talk shit, ‘cause, we can see how this is gonna end these ways..

 **“Where’d Barry and Alex go?”** I narrowed my eyes into the sea of people that hadn’t taken over VIP, and spotted the two of them, talking to some girl before anyone could supply an answer.

I narrowed my eyes at them and watched them move, noticed that she was wearing the same outfit Alex wore in her first music video I got to finally set her out with after I added them to YouTube earlier in the year. I wasn’t going to comment on him or get on his ass, but I was mentally drafting a long text to his ass about _this_.

Speaking of text, it made me think about writing, and my eyes snapped across the way.

My staff was being ignorantly obvious with the fact that they weren’t drinking because they were being nosey, but I was going to bring that up later. I stood there for a minute, listening Chris talk to someone next to us. I probably looked crazy as fuck, but everyone was used to me spacing out. I wasn’t though, ‘cause I was eyeballing all six of the people that sat on the sectional, talking amongst each other, but never taking their eyes off of me.

 **“If y’all aint gon’ dance, please drink. It’s free. Drink whatever you want, but don’t just sit there and eyeball the fuck out of me so I can be asked to explain this shit later,”** I insisted as I was too busy laughing to yell at them, but only because I was annoyed by it.  

Chris was close behind me, making me hold on to the railing again as he turned away from the people I made get off of their feet, just to stop gawking. I was still trying to dance though, and I couldn’t move from him if I wanted to. _The Whisper Song_ started playing as he started whispering my ear, and a few seconds later, it was being mixed with David Banner’s _Play_ and I was definitely enjoying the hip roll action behind me, until he started telling me to walk with him.

 **“Boy, no. Why, what the fuck you tryna do?”** I tilted my head back and looked up at him as his hand wrapped around my waist again, and he thrust up towards me.

His other hand snaked up the front of the dress to grab my titty over the material, and he thrust up again. I turned around and watched his eyes hit a corner, and I looked around again, trying to see if we were still being watched. I was with the shits. I wanted to go. Because of course, no fucking snatch back in time would be complete without Chris pulling me into some fuckin’ bathroom.

 **“Wait no, no, I feel… I feel something comin,”** I smiled at him as the playlist went Louisiana on us, and I stuck my tongue out at him as that familiar orchestra ramped up, and I found something to hold on to.

Wasn’t even no running involved, but he did hold the back of my dress down and press himself against my ass as I twerked for the ‘99 and the 2000 until it segued into ‘Nolia Clap, and he pulled me away from him and held it down, and told me that I’d never wear it out again.

 **“Why not?”** I ignored Julian behind me, trying to give me his flannel that he had on, and I laughed.

 **“If my ass is out like that, cup it.”** I challenged, and Chris closed the gap between us, then pushed me back into someone else’s hands, and I literally shuttered, knowing that Michael had finally came over to where we were.

 **“You ain’t wearing this shit out no more,”** He confirmed in my ear as I cursed softly, feeling his hands grab my ass, and pull at the fabric of the dress.

 **“I mean that’s totally okay with me because both of y’all could honestly take it off. I want it off. Fuck, maybe you should like, take your fucking hands off of me then, if not, like… shit.”** I squirmed then, turning around to face Michael, and pushing him away from me just slightly. I pushed back at Chris and moved away from the two of them then, swallowed softly, and my eyes went in search of my abandoned bottle of Cuervo.

I drank it to the label, slammed it back down, and just stared. I wasn’t focusing on the music anymore. I was just trying to get the fuck out of here, somewhere. Together, or separately, whatever. I was with the shits. I just looked at the two of them, waiting for confirmation, and followed his lead as Chris pulled me away.

We moved through a black curtain and the party behind us, all sights, sounds, lights, and smells, was muffled in an instant. The door we walked up to wasn’t far away either, and I exhaled once we got in there, thrown off by both cleanliness and privacy. I felt eighteen as fuck, and laughed as I turned back around to face him, and wrapped my hands around his neck.

 **“How the fuck I get here, Bop?”** I laughed softly as I pressed my lips against his, kissing him a lil’ harder, and he ran his fingers up my dress, tugging away at my underwear.

 **“You came into the studio,”** He grunted, sighing softly as he got his pants down good enough for him. **“You ain’t have to do nothing else.”**

I moaned into his mouth impatiently as he kissed me back, and I looked down at him, wanting to get on my knees, but did we have ti--

 **“Nope, I don’t need it.”** He insisted as he ran his fingers between my thighs, and I grunted softly as he slid his fingers slowly into me. Was I speaking out loud again, or did I not need to?

 **“I wanna finish this at home, please...”** I insisted as he winked at me and said nothing. 

He motioned for me to hold on tight, and I did as he took both of my thighs into his arms, and held me up for his usage. I exhaled into his ear as he picked me up and pressed me against the wall, and pulled me down onto him when he needed me to go, and stop riding the flow like I had been. It started feeling too fucking good then, too much, too quick, and I wanted my legs open more. I wanted his hands on me, I wanted him all fucking over me.

 **“This is how we get put out of places,”** I pressed my mouth into his neck, and he grabbed my hair in his hand as he fucked me against the door.

I won’t even fucking lie. I missed this more than anything, ‘cause Mike… Mike won’t play with me like this. I sucked my tongue back into my mouth, silently wondering how we’d never gotten arrested for public nudity or _anything_ of the sort, because I was always risking fucking indecent exposure with him.

 **“I’m putting you down, hol...hold up,”** I hummed softly as he put me down, putting me back on my two feet. I panted as I looked at him, confused, and slowly wrapped my hand around his length, and lowered to my feet.

A chill rolled up my back as I heard the door click, and seconds later, lock again.

 **“Yo,”** I was frozen where I was, and looked over my shoulder, trying not to look back up.

 **“You better bend right, and make it quick.”** Mike instructed, gently pulling back on my hair.

 **“I hate quickies,”** I whined, standing up, and running my hands down my face.

**“Yeah, we know.”**


	19. oops (oh my)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oops! There goes my shirt up over my head, oh my  
> Oops! There goes my skirt droppin' to my feet, oh my  
> Oh! Some kind of touch caressing my legs, oh my  
> Oh! I'm turnin' red, who could this be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's smut here. and uh, i'm gonna eventually go through here and fix alllll of my typos. thanks for reading.

Oops (Oh My)  | 18

The best way to pull this off was how it was working, and to be honest... that was limited at best. I was in the middle of a very haphazardly thrown together sandwich, trying to keep my balance and rhythm. It wasn’t as hard as it was since Chris was sitting now, on top of a decorative lounger, with me on top of him instead of me trying to throw my leg up on the sink as I had configured myself.

I wanted to compliment how much easier this was, but I couldn’t open my mouth to speak like I wanted to. It was open, yeah, but my thoughts just seemed to get jammed up into strings of nothingness in the back of my mind as I came again. With my feet planted on the flooring as I used my lower half to throw my ass back on Chris, he was controlling one part of me, pulling those thoughts away again. I couldn’t bring it to the fore, because while my face was facing forward, forcing me to focus on a slither of Michael’s abs, and my mouth was still full as he fucked my face.

It was a tight situation that I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of throwing myself into to be honest. I know what I like to do sexually, and I know how to execute it way smarter than any of the sneaky ass attempts I've studied and executed prior to this one. I’ve been having sex in odd places since I started thanks to Chris, and this, this situation I was in at the moment, was no different. It wasn't even our first go around with this one - was more of a repeat with a lot more maneuvering.

My mouth was about as open as it was going to get, and Michael was paying way too much attention to the way I was gripping his hips, and knew, just knew I wanted to push back, for a second. His length popped out of my mouth as his hand moved into my hair to pull it back. I felt all of my muscles squeeze around Chris’s dick as Michael wound a few braids around his hand, and forced me to look up at him.

 **“You're getting what you want, right?”** Michael questioned as he kissed me hard, and I moaned out a yes in response.

He just stood there, eyes glazed over, watching my facial expressions as my hand still stroked his dick. Since I could breathe through my mouth and I was being overwhelmed by hands all over me, I hated how turned on I was, knowing we couldn't be like this here for too much longer. They were definitely going to work me though. I could feel my pussy getting wetter, and my clit getting harder as I looked at Michael, and watched him lick his lips as he looked down at me.

 **“I wanna watch you cum on his dick, Kacie. You need help? Hmm?”** Michael’s question threw me off a little, just briefly.

I motioned for him to come close to me and kissed him again, and flicked my tongue against his as he bit down on my bottom lip, and pulled apart, waiting on me to answer him. I was still marveling over the fact that he loved me so fuckin’ much that he always, always kissed after I gave him head, much like he’d do for me. His voice was still ringing in my ears as my hips shifted, and he refused to look away from me.

 **“Or, do you not need my help? That shit feel good to you? I wanna know. Better? He fuckin' you like he ain't doing the shit for you anymore...”**  I always fucking  _died_ when they acted like this. I wanted his help, though. Fuck, I did.

 **“You can help.”** I dropped my head forward as he stood back a little, dropped to his knee, and kissed me on the mouth again. His hand slid down between us, and started to rub my clit in circles while Chris grunted behind my back and slow stroked me into cumming again.

This was a fucking chaotic tug of war, and I wanted to turn around, somehow, knowing Mike would cum again if I did. He hadn’t gotten that first one off yet, and, while digging my hands into Chris’ knees underneath me for leverage, I opened my mouth again as I came, and freed one of my hands to guide Michael’s tip back into my mouth. I stroked him long enough, and inhaled softly as the tip of my nose brushed against the bare patch of skin underneath his stomach, and I pulled back again, hearing him curse, and his hand to assist in making sure that all of his cum made it to my mouth. He watched me swallow softly as I was shifted up, and I exhaled softly after I was in motion, temporarily feeling too full as Chris came too.

I had a second to exhale before I felt lips on the back of my neck, and my hair was merely handed off to Chris. I wanted to drop my head again so fucking badly, but I couldn’t. I still wanted to turn around too. Shit. Chris slowly pulled out as I caught my breath, and he shook his head no as I tried to go even a few steps away.

 **“Let us both cum real quick and we can go, Baby.”** Chris insisted, like they hadn't both once came already.

 **“Whatever you want,”** I whispered, feeling his cum seep out of me and dribble down my thigh.

Chris pushed the dress up, impatiently, lustily nipping at my ribs, and he squeezed my breast over the mess of thin Jersey fabric. He tugged at it, but it wasn't trying to come off easily, and i pushed it back down in annoyance. He tried again, but I had given up that fight, even though I know he wanted to suck on my nipples if I was going to let both of them fuck me at the same time. I smiled slightly at the considerate gesture, but was far too aroused to pay much attention to anything else than being fucked.

Like I had done before when I was previously was in this position just to expose myself, I arched my back to invitingly give him renewed access to my pussy. He smiled at me and slouched in the chair, and motioned for me to hold on to his shoulders, as Michael pushed me gently in my back to straddle him right. I don't think drunk me appreciates choreography as much as I should, because they dance well together.

**“Let me help you get this dress off, Baby. He obviously wants to see those beautiful titties, you ain't gon' show him? Hmm? Show 'em off.”**

Still sloppy and a mess, I slid easily down on Chris’ length again as Michael made his way behind me and slowly helped me out of the dress completely, throwing me off. He kissed up my back as he massaged my shoulders, and his mouth pressed against my ear, whispering to tell me how beautiful I was, and how fuckin' good I looked while I was taking his dick, and it wasn't doing anything but making me even wetter. It didn’t take long before I was distracted again; Chris had my nipple in his mouth and I threw my head back as I felt Michael slowly slide his fingertip against my ass, and I tensed, just barely.

 **“Relax… you know I won’t hurt you, just relax, let me get this nut off…”** Michael requested as I whined out, and clasped my free hand over my own mouth.

He had come out of his shirt at some point, and all I felt on me was skin, and muscle, and flesh as it covered my back, while Chris firmly supported me from below, and I was pressed by two different contrasts, and was melting over it. It was a perfect combination of leverage then, and it didn't take long for everyone to make me cum just off of a few strokes in tandem, and my legs started trembling.

 **“Please, just cum in every fuckin’ hole. I wanna… mmmmm, fuck, I wanna go! Every… all of them, every hole, real quick please, please, fuuuuuuuck, shiiiiit…”** I cried out, just loud enough to be heard over the running water.

Fuck. This almost made me cum again as I realized that this was most likely just an intro, really.

I had no idea how we were going to even act like we didn't just do this, either, but we had to come up with something,  _quick._

…

Shout the fuck out to _costume changes._

All three of us had left separately and came back at varying times; but it was unanimous that we all needed to either call it a night, or change and come back, so we decided to change and come back. From the moment I came back out of the bathroom, this stupid realization smacked me in the face that I wasn’t nineteen anymore.

Between me chasing way too much spit in my mouth with Rum, and circling back into an additional staff restroom to splash water on my face, pull my hair up, and swipe at myself like crazy with a whole travel pack of Always wipes, I almost wanted to say fuck it, and just go home. But, I couldn’t.

I mean, I _could_ , but, it was too early, and I was still sticking my neck out, wondering how the night was going to turn out now. I was rolling with everything, really. We’d only been back for about fifteen minutes, and I was still peering over the railing of the pit, wondering if Mike was going to change and come back too. I opted not to text him, just in case he needed to reconsider my invite to come back with us later, and just focused on the party instead.

This motherfucker was _not_ winding down, and once we’d returned, we spotted someone from some reality show having their 25th birthday party here, and things had really gotten turned up.  Of _course_ the birthday boy wanted to flex with Chris Brown, and several people made sure to let him know that as soon as we got back over here.

I wanted to go, just to see, especially since it had been a _while_ since someone had tried to personally request him while we were out together. I told him it would be nice, and tried to push him away from me to go, but _Chris Brown_ wasn’t going anywhere without his wife.

I felt… fuckin’ twenty again. I was definitely, absolutely _the wife_ before I was even the wife, and I loved how people just voiced my life through their own rightful premonitions. I laughed the entire time he grabbed my hand in his, and we stopped outside of a small boundary. The bodyguard for the particular lil’ table was impressed that Chris had come over, and smiled at us as he moved out of the way to let us come forth.

 **“Hey, Happy Birthday man, it’s nice to meet you, what’s your name?”** Chris went into _superstar_ mode real quick.

Within seconds, we were standing up in front of the birthday boy, who was dressed like Kanye in his Graduation era. He had on a G-shock watch, a crispy white tee and beater combo, and a LRG Skull Hoodie, an authentic one, one I remember Chris having in black, and was probably still buried in his closet. I peered down at his feet and he had on a pair of Air Jordan 4 Retro lasers, and I chuckled at the sight, and shook my head at the reminder.

I hoped his clothes wasn’t reflective of his demeanor.

 **“I’m Domino, I’m a huge fan man. It’s nice to meet both of y’all.”** He introduced himself to the two of us, and I smiled.

 **“Kacie.”** I nodded my head gently, and Domino chuckled.

 **“My wife used to write for a lot of reality shows, what’s your show about?”** I knew I shouldn’t have allowed his ass to start drinking before me, or pull me over here either, ‘cause I didn’t know _who_ this boy was, but I knew I’d find out.

His circle seemed genuinely interested in what was going down, and it made me relax, just barely. Nobody was really doing the most, and people had acknowledged us, but didn’t start stanning or wilding out, which was surprising with the way just a short few year gap had in the way we interacted while we were out. All of the other freshly twenty-somethings were recording every second of this party on Snapchat, but in this circle, if there wasn’t a crown on this boy’s head, and _birthday boy_ pinned to his hoodie, I wouldn’t have had any idea that it was his birthday or anything other than a cool ass night out between friends.

 **“Oh, did he say his wife? You got a wiiiiiiife?”** Someone in his crew questioned, and I blushed immediately as I smacked Chris in the arm.

 **“Stooooop that, please.”** I blushed, and they all smiled at us, and I shook my head again.

 **“Stop what? What’d I do, Wifey?”** I whined as he used the term out loud, and as I thought about it, it hadn’t been the first time he’d just thrown the claim out there like he had already upped and proposed to my ass.

 **“Stop callin’ me your fuckin’ wife in front of all these people before I beat your ass,”** I smacked his hand off of me, and extended myself into the direction of the young man, who smiled softly at me and accepted the offered hug.

**“Nah, we good. We good over here… Kacie, right?”**

**“Oh shit, wait, I remember you. Like, I know you, obviously, ‘cause you be on _Atlanta_ and you got the show on HBO and shit, but… you… ooooh, OG work,” **Domino continued to get washed in some sort of clarity as he looked me over, and then looked over my shoulder at Chris, and gave him a knowing nod.

 **“I remember, I was a lil’ ass kid, but I went to the Virginia Beach show back when Chris was first getting his shit started. That muh’fuckin’ concert was liiiiiive,  and he pulled you out to Poppin’, didn’t he?”** Domino asked as I laughed, and nodded, not having thought about that in a _while._

 **“That’d be me. But, you never gave us an answer, what’s your show, what’s Domino all about?”** I don’t know how I was lured into this, but he had taken my curiosity, and I was into it.

His vibe was welcoming and it was a break from the crowd that we had been in, which surprisingly led us to entertaining this for longer than I thought we would. We chopped it up for a minute, he got instagram photos, and then follows, before we headed back to the pit we’d originated from.

 **“Y’all done fuckin’ changed clothes and shit, y’all so fucking extra. But, I fucking love itttttttttttt, y’aaaaaaalll cute!”** Billie was drunk and on her way out, trilling her praise to us, but walking out with Alex’s assistance. I shook my head and waved her off as I watched them disappear to the doorway, and I sighed softly.

Our Sixers fit had been replaced with a new team; this time it was the Raptors. I had a cut off T-Mac tank top on, body chain around my waist, body glitter _everywhere,_ high top dunks, and a blue jean skirt. My braids had been skillfully taken down, and my hair had been pulled up into a high ponytail. I traded in my Bop hoops for the first thing I could grab, which was a heavy pair of Poparazzi classics, and it really flung me back into the early 2000’s.

I was super fucking chill now, too. I was just vibing and feeling everything we were on. I really felt like the shit after we came back, not really ready to quit partying yet.

 **“This is how I know you like living the way you do now,”** Omari, who I was surprised was still around, flicked at the belly chain around my waist as we rotated into each other again.

I stopped and swatted his hand away, and watched him narrow his eyes at me, which earned a shrug in response. I didn’t need to admit what I was up to, because I could tell he was already hip.

 **“What made you say that?”** I asked, raising my eyebrow at him as he looked me over again. He didn’t respond, and I exhaled hard in his direction and swatted at him again, making him look away from me for just a second.

 **“‘Cause, look at you, pullin’ off costume changes and shit.”** He shook his head at me, and then looked over at Chris, and shook his head again.

 **“Matching and shit. Y’all ugly as fuck for this,”** He laughed, and I smacked his head.

 **“Shut up. Don’t be talmbout my baby like I’m not right here, listening to you talk shit.”** I waved him away as he laughed, but refused to move.

 **“Get cut, Omari!”** I threatened softly as he laughed at me, and shook his head.

We hugged briefly, which got caught by cameras as I shook my head, wondering how long they’d been so intimately close to us. I relaxed once I realized it was Jake, and chuckled at him, as he smiled softly at me, and disappeared.

 **“Ion’ got that much long here though, ‘cause you know I’m ready to get to Virginia. So, whussup, you want me to come over for dinner soon? I’m pretty sure you wanna talk, or annoy me about this.”** I inquired as he looked at me, and shrugged his shoulder softly.

 **“You gon’ cook?”** He inquired, and I stuck my neck out in his direction, and rolled my eyes softly.

 **“Buy the groceries and I will.”** I insisted, and he nodded instantly.

We both just agreed to this knowing I wasn’t asking for much, but it was also possible I was being finessed right now, too. Knowing his ass, I was going to end up cooking for probably twenty fuckin’ heads. I exhaled hard then, and shook my head at him at the thought, but didn’t bring it up. I’m pretty sure it was all over my damned face.

 **“We’ll talk about the guest list and shit later then.”** He insisted, holding his glass up of Crown Apple towards me, before parting away from where we were, and I lost him in the crowd within a few seconds.

I shivered slightly as Chris approached me again, looping his hands around my body, and pulling me into his chest just briefly, to pass me the bottle of rum I requested. I had fucked off most of my earlier buzz, but promised I was gonna get _one_ bottle and stick to it. I had to get home, still, and I wanted to drive.

Like I, Baby changed too, which made me chuckle, because Julian was eyeballing the two of us back and forth, knowing we drove to the studio for such a quick switch. I had already figured out what I was gonna do to make him stop scandalously accusing me in my iMessages though. I felt as if I owed him even a glimpse into things that I couldn’t do before to set this next season off right, and he wasn’t the only person I was about to shift things on.

I just sent him a few winking emojis and looked back up at Chris, who was in front of me, singing the chorus to Nelly and Jaheim’s _My Place_. I rolled my eyes softly as he pushed my phone down from my eye level and wrapped his arm around my waist, and pulled me into him real effortlessly.

He too had on a fuckin’ T-Mac jersey, and his Girbauds had been replaced with some baggy jeans that made me lick my lips. He still wore the nameplate with my name on it, but also had layered a thin diamond chain around his neck, and I cursed softly as I took him in, and shook my head softly.

While Mike was here, we interacted purely as a trio after that bathroom quickie, and nobody had overlooked the sudden ease of flow in movement between us either. All eyes were definitely on us then, and now that we had been put back into couple mode, people were curious as to where he had gone, but I didn’t have an answer. I have no idea where the fuck Tabria went, and didn’t ask. I was just in motion. The set had yet to slow down, and while everyone around us was getting their lives to Laffy Taffy, I was trying to figure out where I could sit down at.

Morgan was here - at someone else’s pit, but she made her way over to where we were, and tried to hold up a conversation. It was funny to pull off with her being dressed like J. Lo in ‘04, and her all white ensemble was distracting. It wasn’t time for business - I hadn’t been in business mode in a minute, but she was asking about spinning this if need be, so I entertained her for a minute. I had opted for water, finally, and pressed myself into Barry’s shoulder, surprised that he hadn’t left me yet.

I couldn’t close my eyes for too long without feeling hands on me, but nothing current, real time. I was still feeling Mike’s on the side of my face, and Chris’ digging into my fucking hips, in a true act of frustration. People were nosey and had questions about our quick connection and Mike’s subsequent disappearance. They were trying to come at me with questions that I wasn’t sober enough to consider answering, or even in the right frame of mind to answer, either.

I was obviously enjoying myself and not worried about work, despite the fact that as the night continued to develop, the VIP pit grew larger with a couple of members of the cast. Curious enough to look for a long time before finally addressing the situation, Julissa, who played Giana’s boss Marti, was all smiles as she crept up on us, and pulled me into her side.

 **“Kaaaaacieeee!! I can’t fuckin’ believe itttttt! This is real, real, huh?”** She motioned between me and Chris, who was wrapped up behind me, and I laughed softly.

 **“And, you knew she wasn’t going anywhere.”** She nudged Chris, who had pushed his Raptors hat over his face and made my back arch as I turned to get a look at him.

 **“Awwww fuck,”** Everybody was partnering up as another round of slow songs started, and Avant started playing, which made me exhale softly.

 **“Whussup,”** Michael had resurfaced, dressed like Mitch from Paid In Full, and I just _knew_ his ass had gone home, which made me chuckle at the sight of him.

 **“Didn’t I owe you a dance?”** He questioned, as I looked over at him, wondering where the other parts of the trio I know he had hooked up with were.

Sterling swooped into our pit and took my day receptionist away, and I shook my head as I saw Terrance acknowledge me without saying much of anything, and I shook my head at him too.

 **“Hey, I know you ain’t talk all of that shit earlier to not even get what you asked for.”** Michael teased as I snapped out of my staring and looked up at him.

I slowly pushed myself out of Chris’ embrace. He smiled at Julissa and then looked at me, and guided me up, pulling me into his arms as Avant crooned about _making good love._ I settled into his embrace, not new to this. I told my mind to stop fuckin’ making comparisons and just accepted things, and tried not to think too hard about them, or any of this, really.

I just wanted to know how things would be when we were alone again, because they didn’t need to be verbal for me to _feel_ them shifting already.

...

 **“Kacie, B just pulled around, we’re gonna go grab some food. Drink a lot of water, be smart, and text me in the morning, okay?”** Alex insisted as I nodded, and seconds later, the Facetime call ended.

I slid my phone down into my purse, and tossed everything. In a loud clatter of my shit to the floor, it  _almost_ hit the end table I’ve been trying to throw it at for a minute. I was too far gone to care about picking that shit up in the moment though. I kicked off my shoes, took off my socks, and panted softly as my sockless feet touched the ground again.

 **“Shit,”** I cursed, almost sliding into a split as I tried to move swiftly across the floor.

My excitement was getting the best of me, and I was soaked as fuck. As it turned out, slow dancing did not help. Your boyfriend will be fine, but your other boyfriend will want to get the next song, and he’s gonna wanna sing to you, and you know and he knows that you can’t take that shit without wanting to fuck him up. After all of the shit that had gone down from the moment I disappeared behind the curtain, until now, I had been wound up all over again.

I was really soaked through, again. I could feel it, every time I pressed my thighs together. Fuck. I stretched for a minute before bending to pull the material of the cut off jersey over my head, and exhaled. I looked around at the bedroom for a second before rolling my shoulders back, and looking at them in the mirror for a second. I had to get my head together.

I could do this. I just wasn’t sure how we’d be after this.

My phone, which hadn’t died yet, was still going off periodically in the quietness of the room. I heard my text message tone roll in every few seconds, competing with whatever instrumental Chris had going on. I looked up in the mirror again, and watched him sway to it as he set it up. I snatched it from the floor near the end table, and narrowed my eyes as I stared into the screen.

 **Ju** | tomorrow, be prepared to square up at the coffee kiosk. Love u. Be safe. Get the clothes drycleaned. ;)

 **Liz** | wtf cousin thats how it is now? U all over the shaderoom on all buuuuuuuulllshit i know you fuckin aintttttttttttt fucking both of them call me bitch wtffffffff

 **Billie** | BITCHHHHHH, WHERE DI YO UGOOOOOOO

 **Bee** | hey if u want coffee and your titty money back in the am, u know where ill be LMFAO

I shook my head and dropped it back on the counter, and turned it on silent.

I was stalling, lowkey.

I felt like now that we were here, and I could breathe again, and, I realized exactly _what_ I was about to do, I was thinking too hard about it even though I was already in motion to kick shit off. Disappearing a second time for the night had been harder - everyone was really paying attention to us by then. It’s been a fuckin’ minute since I had to just up and disappear like that, but I _had_ to. I figured I’d just let everybody know I was good later, unless they ended up seeing it for themselves. I wasn’t concerned about my safety at all though. I was good!

I was getting what I wanted, and I wasn’t going to let the window close in my face. The quickie situation was only a prelude and I knew this probably was gon’ fuck shit up for us, but in a way, in so many ways, this was a test, too.

I just needed to be naked, really naked, first. I exhaled again as I peeled out of the bra I had on, and sucked my teeth slightly as I grunted, not wanting to start this off with the taste of tequila in my mouth. I spit my grill into my hand and held my hand up as I walked over to the sink and sat it in my holding cup. I cupped and swished some mouthwash and rinsed the sink out, and once I stopped moving, I exhaled as I looked at myself in the mirror.

**“Whew, fuck.”**

They were about to continue to fuck me up, and I just--

 **“C’mon, Kacie… you over there bullshittin’ like you ain’t convince us both to do this.”** Michael’s eyes weren’t open, and I could tell before I even looked at him.

His voice was deep, deep as fuck, and I inched up on my toes for a minute at the sound of it. I detected attitude, but not disinterest. I ran my fingers down my face as I stepped away from the bathroom sink, and pulled my hair up into a better bun than the one I’d gotten pulled out earlier. My clothes - and theirs, honestly, were all over the damned room, and I silently promised myself that I’d be back to fix this mess.

 **“What y’all just sitting there for? I gotta come over there?”** I looked up at the ceiling for a second before shaking my head and walking over to the two of them, just sitting on the couch.

Stupid fucking couch. But, part of me wondered what would happen after everyone came and was sated. One of them would usually get up and leave. What if I wanted to cuddle both of them?

I never asked.

**“Mike, you gon stay? I wanna lay my head on your chest while Chris holds me in my sleep. If I say I want both of y’all, I really mean that.”**

Mike was fucked up, but he knew what I was on. He chuckled and shrugged at me, and I bent in front of him first, and cupped his chin in my grasp. I pressed my body into his lap, and saddled up on him as I brought his mouth towards mine.

 **“C’mon, please? You never stay.”** I accused him as I ran my hands up his chest, and smiled at him.

He smirked at me, but didn’t say anything in contest to my accusations. I wanted to see if he would. I wanted to see if he’d give me what I wanted, despite feeling differently about _this_ at the moment. His Apple Watch was going off, immediately capturing my glare. Tabria was calling him, and as he lifted it up and stared at it, I rolled my eyes. I grabbed his wrist in my grasp and took it off of him, and sat it on the end table next to the couch with my eyebrow up.

 **“Fuck her,”** I muttered, rolling my hips against his body.

**“She’s deadass tryna start shit, and ion’ got the time...”**

Tabria had to be the one spitting vile shit in his ear about the situation, and I honestly wouldn’t put it past shawty. Usually, I could arrange this with the specific set of requirements and get what I wanted out of the two of them with no issue. I rarely pulled this card, but I was feeling it now, and I was wondering what this was going to end up being this time around.

 **“She not finna fuck this up, either. Call her ass back when the sun comes up and I’m not on top of you. Now, like I said… you gon’ stay, right? You watch, but you don’t stay.”** I tilted my head at him as he took the bottle of Hennessy from Baby, and tilted it up to his mouth.

 **“I gotta beg?”** I questioned, and he shook his head no.

 **“That’s what you’re acting like. I missed you, haven’t been home, ain’t been around you like I wanted to cause you pissed me off, now I gotta beg for you to stay?”** I questioned softly as I ran my nails down his chest, and he threw his head back.

 **“You don’t.”** He finally spoke up, and I snapped my eyes toward his, and smirked.

 **“Good. I wasn’t going to beg anyway.”** I insisted as I looked over at Baby, and licked my lips softly. I bent towards him, still straddling Mike, and kissed him too.

 **“You gon’ be good?”** I inquired softly, and he nodded.

**“You sure? Because when I tell him to come, you can’t get jealous.”**

**“You know we know how this shit works by now, Boo. But, you really fuckin’ me up tonight,”** He hummed lowly in his throat, and I moved then, sighing softly as I moved in the middle of them.

I inhaled softly as Michael’s hand crept up the side of my throat, and a second pair of hands slid down my chest, and I smirked as they both decided to go for a nipple. Shit. I arched my back off of the couch as I felt their hands over me, and I exhaled as let them.

This was going to be a long ass night.

 **“Get up. You already know where you’re supposed to be sitting.”** I instructed Michael as I glanced at him, and forked my head towards the throne in the corner.

**“Take your seat. Watch, first. I’ll let you know when you can come.”**

**...**

**“It’s not** **_everywhere_ ** **. It’s more like, here and there. Third Shift Twitter was wilding.”** I rolled over as I looked at Michael’s back, and frowned.

He stayed. Good.

I sat up in the bed then, and pinched my nose, trying to ward off a headache. I was disoriented for a few seconds, and sore as fuck, still, as I opened my eyes again, only to slam them shut seconds later. I needed to get out of this bed. I wanted a hot shower and a massage before I did _anything_ today.

 **“Oh, you finally got your ass up, huh?”** Chris teased as I groaned in response and laid back down in the bed with a groan.

 **“Mmmm, fuck…”** I stretched as I pulled myself up in the bed, and closed my eyes again, still disoriented. It was like I’d been absolutely thrown off of my own axis, but I knew the liquor and constant motion was to blame for that.

I felt a bottle of water get pushed into my hand, then a bottle of Aleve, and I groaned. I opened my eyes, trying to pull myself together again. This was like the fifth threesome between us at this point, so the fanfare that came with the previous ones had been nixed in favor of whatever the hell they were doing at the end of the bed. I winced as I sat up on the side of the bed, flattening my hands onto the sheets.

All of the blinds were closed, and all of the curtains were heavily drawn, making it dark as fuck in here, like it had been a few days before when he pulled off the impromptu movie night for the two of us. I glanced at the time as my eyes slowly opened again, and it was barely five am. We hadn’t been out long, but it was long enough for me to know that I’d definitely be going back to sleep soon.

 **“Y’all got me all disoriented back here,”** I exhaled softly as I noticed that neither of them had moved, and I wondered what the hell was so captivating for them not to.

 **“C’mere,”** I felt a hand snake up my thigh and I smacked it away, and sat up straight.

 **“Fuck outta here,”** I smacked his hand away again, and exhaled softly.

**“I thought you would’ve been gone anyway, Michael.”**

**“I’m on my way out. We’re debating on if we wanted to go get food or not once you woke up.”** He swallowed softly as I shifted up, and moved to the bottom of the bed, wedging myself between the two of them.

 **“Mmmm, we could. I’m hungry as fuck. But, what’s going on, what are y’all looking at?”** I inquired softly as I planted my feet firmly on the ground again.

I felt comfortable in my nudity and crossed my legs, but I could feel both of them looking at me. I sucked my teeth, and Chris slid his discarded Raptors jersey over my head, which made me grunt as I inched up and pulled it down to cover my body.

 **“Typical morning after shit. East Coast Twitter is on fire. They were on us at the club. Not just me and you, but all three of us.”** Chris reported as I chuckled and looked down at whatever had caught their attention.

They had Instagram up, in a hashtag that read ‘#KacestopherJordan’ and I laughed immediately at that shit. I took the iPad and went back up to the top, and pressed my lips together as I saw video of me and Mike at the bar, and several more videos of me and Chris, just fucking fawning over each other. There were videos of when Mike came over to our pit, videos of us dancing, and the two of them getting their life at my remake of the entire _Promise_ video against the rail, where apparently, I was having the fucking time of my life.

This is the content that creeps me out because when we’re just out and not on no certain missions or it’s not an appearance, not that we’d ever have to make one, it’s still like, who the fuck decided to record this entire fucking thing like it was? Jake was only there ‘cause he had hit Chris up, claiming he was bored, but was also on his way to Vegas right now, so that was a brief pop up.

We weren’t caught leaving together - we were smart, Chris and I left first, and Mike had a twenty minute delay. I wanted to see if he would come. I wanted to see if he’d end up back home with Tabria and just say _fuck it_ to everything I attempted to convince him of while we were dancing together.

He came though, and now we’re here, hours later, pulling each other back to some sense of sobriety. My eyes snapped back to the screen of the iPad as I kept scrolling, noticing that the tag was fueled by the little fansites, those who wished they could be somewhere close to us, and knew what was going on. I was more enthralled by what I was seeing though, and not what was being said about the situation.

We’ve never really paid too much attention to the way we looked at each other, ‘cause from the outside looking in, we never had to. Not unless it popped up, demanding our attention, like when some fuckery went down. But this? This was different. All I could see in my head is a bigger platform for more questioning, and it made me shake my head from side to side as I kept scrolling through the tag.

 **“Keep scrolling, ‘cause they got your Back That Ass up twerk in there, and the reprise. And the couch situation,”** Chris continued to report as I swallowed down more water, and started skipping through the posts until I saw the two of us on the couch, grinding against each other.

 **“Ooooooh bitch, they did!”** I laughed softly as I stood up, watching how we were definitely all trying to fuck each other up once we left that damned bathroom.

Mike was wilding for pulling my leg up into the air despite me having on a skirt and knowing my underwear were in Chris’ pocket, but it was dark thankfully, so I wasn’t super exposed. Chris was just as bad for wide-eye staring at me because _Take You Down_ was on, and he butted the fuck in, and had me convincing him to get us out of here while he slammed the fuck out of me.

The clip of his eyebrow raising and the quick decision that spread over his face before he got up was already circulating as a meme, and I softly cooed in amusement as I saw it. I shook my head  gently as I kept scrolling, and eventually gave the iPad back to Chris with no remorse or regret on my face about the way the night turned out, but amusement at all of it.

 **“We look like we’re nineteen again, and ion’ wanna hear none of it. I’m just thankful no one got free ass shots outside of the ones you couldn’t control. No quiero escucharlo,”** I shook my head as Chris shook his head at me.

Standing in front of them, and wondering how the conversation had gone prior to me waking up, I wondered what was going down. I wondered if they had talked, but you’d be surprised at the shit I wasn’t trying to start a dialogue about. I kept my mouth closed shut as I pulled myself to the end of the bed, and stood up again.

Michael’s face was still buried into his phone, and I sucked my teeth at it. It’s five in the fucking morning, and he honestly ain’t that social. Typically, I wouldn’t let that bother me, but it was fucking _five am,_ like forreal? I envisioned myself bopping Michael in the forehead before I shook the thought out of my head, and stuck my hand out in front of him, and forcing him to stand up.

 **“C’mere.”** I forked my head to the side, and he followed me over to the bathroom, where I sighed before I started to wash my face.

Michael leaned against the counter and looked at me, waiting on me to start talking. I scoffed instead, and shook my head. I noticed he had his watch back on, and I pursed my lips at the sight.

 **“We gon’ be okay, right? I know I said I wanted to talk and all that, obviously right now ain’t the time for it, but we need to sit down and do that. All three of us.”** I asked, and he folded his arms across his chest and kept his gaze focused on me, and then back at Chris.

 **“We can talk. I’m just giving you your time right now. You need it.”** He retorted as I scrubbed my face. I turned to look at him after I rinsed my face off, and exhaled softly as I patted my face dry.

 **“We obviously needed it too. As busy as we’ve been, we could have managed our time together way better than we did. Ain’t no reason for you just to assume we’re off though, and I guess that’s what really threw me for a loop.”** I softly explained to him, and looked up, trying to gauge his reaction.

We’d had this conversation way too many times before, and it was never an easy one, but this time, I didn’t feel like I was in on the situation. If he _knew_ about Chris popping up and _knew_ this shit was about to go down, I felt like I should have known. I could have been prepared and ready. And I didn’t, I _wasn’t_ , and now I was feeling blindsided as fuck like I had before when I was still trying to get a rein on whatever the fuck they had concocted behind my back, but I didn’t want to address that right now.

 **“So, what’re you saying?”** He asked, and I exhaled as I looked at him, glaring at him in confusion and annoyance.

 **“So, I mean… what the fuck? When we got back together, I ain’t expect this to happen. You were pushing hard for me to have** **_my time,_ ** **but you know what that meant. And, in so many words, if you felt like I’d be better off with Chris and needed to leave you the fuck alone to make sure, that could have been the angle you played from the beginning, and you didn’t.”** I closed my eyes as I tried to steady my delivery, but I went from being dickhappy to fucking annoyed, and he knew that shit.

 **“I’m just letting you explore your options while you have the opportunity in front of you to make that one last decision, that’s it.”** He insisted, and I side-eyed him.

 **“Explore my options for what? Why the fuck would I explore my options when I already know what I want?”** I questioned softly, and he chuckled softly and the muscles in his arms got tighter, which made me close my eyes briefly at the sight.

 **“What do you want?”** He asked, and it wasn’t the first time.

 **“Both of y’all.”** I waved him off, and turned back towards the mirror, and exhaled softly.

 **“Right, and how you think you gon’ pull that off?”** He inquired, not asking me in the same way when he attempted to convince me the other day. Then, it was a definite agreement of exploring it, and now, now he was hesitant. I chuckled mirthlessly and glared at him.

 **“I’ma figure it out,”** I said, and he shook his head.

**“Whether you’re on board with it or not, really. It can go how I want it to go, or it can go in a way that neither of us expected it to, so, whussup?”**

**“Now you getting hype? Why?”** He asked, and I shook my head.

 **“Because you’re bullshitting me, honestly. I can’t do this, but you can just think you can drop a bi-”** I started, feeling my emotions and attitude bubble over, and he held his hand up, effectively cutting me off.

 **“Who said you couldn’t do this? Why has it been since that day, we went from good to you being combative and wanting to argue with me about the way things are going?”** He asked, and I shook my head softly as I stepped away from the sink, and scoffed at him.

 **“Deadass? We ain’t have no issues until the fuckin’ day I decided to go to the office. With him being there or not, you probably already figured in your head that since you were out here, you’d just chill with Tabria and let me do whatever the fuck I wanted to do if I took your bait, or what?”** I tilted my head, and he scoffed at me. In an attempt to wave me off, his wrist started flying, and I noticed that she was calling again.

**“What the fuck, what you on? Cause, I mean, if you just wanted to divvy up your time between me and Tabria, you coulda said something. I left and came over here because you couldn’t use your words, but you knew I wanted to spend the weekend with him anyway, then the three of us would come back together and sit down and talk about it. But, you crossing shit up.”**

**“So, what do you want to know Kacie, why do you keep bringing her up?”**

**“It didn’t matter if it was her or anyone else who ever was in her spot, the issue is, you ain’t say shit! And we not even fucking off, I’m just trying to make this shit make sense! I just wanna know if you talked to Tabria or not, so her time doesn’t get wasted. Like you said though, I needed this time. That ain’t mean you had to go call shawty up, so she could step in.”** I insisted, and Michael shrugged a shoulder slightly as he looked over at me, and shook his head.

 **“So, that’s what you’re concerned about? And, are we, really?”** He asked, and I looked at him and nodded.

I winced again, trying to pull myself together with the brightness of the lights.

 **“No, honestly. Are we? I know the signs, Kacie. I know you’re good and ready to leave. I’m seeing it first hand.”** Michael insisted, giving me pause for a second. I snapped my head towards him and tilted it a little, and shook my head in the negative.

**“You know where this takes us. And, I’ve been thinking non-stop about it since the other day. I wonder if in your head, you’ve already started contemplating how it’d be if we didn’t have so many complications. You’re obviously getting a good taste of it right now.”**

Everything he was saying to me was coming down hard like a ton of bricks in rapid succession as I winced again, wondering how long he’d been holding this shit in. I sucked my teeth as I shook my head, unable to deny that it was truth, but hating how he sounded hella numb about it. I exhaled softly and looked at him, and shook my head again.

 **“Thought we needed this, though. Ain’t that what you were telling me? And what, now that you see it for yourself in real time, you don’t like what you see?”** I asked, and he jutted out his chin at me, and just shook his head.

He wasn’t giving me one hundred percent of himself right now. I grunted as I stepped back, for whatever reason, trying to step back from how close we were. Once I did though, out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Chris stand up, and I sucked my teeth.

 **“You good?”** Chris inquired from across the room, and I looked back at him and nodded.

I was shifty, though. I absentmindedly started tugging on the jersey, feeling too exposed. It was hitting at my knees, but it wasn’t long enough for me. I felt exposed and didn’t need to be - I just had sex with both of them, but internally, something had flipped. Michael had paused from whatever he was about to say, and I noticed that immediately.

 **“Yeah, she’s good.”** His facial features shot back to pissed, and then he looked at Chris, and back at me.

He pressed his lips together and didn’t say anything for a minute. He just relaxed against the sink, like things were sinking in again. Maybe we didn’t need to say _everything_ right now, but I wasn’t sure if I appreciated it, or was annoyed by it at the moment.

 **“I’m giving you your space to do whatever you need to do to make it make sense for you. I ain’t gon’ fight you, baby. I told you that.”** Michael explained as I sighed softly, watching his eyes focus in on me.

 **“It’s nothing to fight over.”** Michael insisted as I looked away first, and rolled my eyes at my reflection. I pulled the pre-rinse mouthwash down and continued what I was doing, and he sighed softly.

 **“It’s not,”** I spat, and wiped my mouth off.

 **“We’re not even fighting about it. I just need to do this, not just for me, but like you said, for Les too, especially, absolutely. You’re not going anywhere.”** He reminded me, and I shook my head at him.

**“I’m not.”**

**“Aiight then, shut the fuck up.”** I pressed my lips together as he shook his head, and kissed me on the forehead.

It was quiet for a minute before he pulled me into his chest, and crushed me in his embrace. **“You obviously still have some frustration to work through, Lil’ One.”**

 **“I could say the same thing about you, really. Now, take a shower, and fix your face. You got that shit off of your chest, said what you needed to, and now we can move on.”** He uttered, and I shook my head at him.

 **“I’ll tell her to chill. We can go eat or something, and salvage this day like we should have a while back, all** **_three of us_** **. Shit. You’re not about to keep snapping at me, either. Fix that shit.”** Michael continued to utter, and it made me laugh. He was not the one in control here, but he already knew that. I'd let him pretend, though.

Maybe it helped.


	20. yes, i'm changing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i felt the strangest emotion but it wasn't hate, for once....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was about to be thirty nine pages in word. ion' wanna extend it from where i had it at, so, i'll add again soon. damn. we're almost at 20/60, wtf. yesssssssssss! thanks, y'all!

19 **|** yes, I'm changing

**“Babe, sit up. I gotta go piss… I’ll be right back.”**

I was glad he did get up, ‘cause I know I’m about to fall asleep in here. I’m washed as fuck, or just exhausted, and being stupid as hell for still trying to keep the night rolling. 

**“Kacie. Let me slide out, babe.”** He chuckled as I sat up then, and looked up at him. 

**“You that sleepy?”**

**“Mmm, I wanna eat first. You know it’s gon’ knock me right back out.”** I explained softly as Chris untangled from me curling into his side, but not before kissing me softly on the lips. I smiled softly at the sentimental gesture, and exhaled as I leaned into Michael’s side, and he sighed softly too.

**“I forgot how much y’all make me wanna throw up.”** He gagged, and I smacked his arm.

**“Shut up, Baba.”** I grunted, pegging him with the nickname Celeste had slapped on him in her infancy. He smiled at that, but I rolled my eyes as I gripped his bicep, and just rested there.

This was a fucking test, and I knew it. I let it go though, and closed my eyes again. I’m trying to fight falling asleep, and I’d been doing so for a while, but refused to get food to go or delivered to us. If we couldn’t manage post-club shenanigans together, how in the fuck were we ever going to do this? Or at least, that’s what my semi-sober mind was wondering. It probably would have been easier, simpler, if I wasn’t still a lil’ bit feeling myself after having both of them. I always was equally touchy after the fact, and I wasn’t about to change that for the fact that we were in public. I don’t think I needed to, to be honest. 

I let people come to their own conclusions for this long, so, honestly, there was no point in explaining shit now, y’know? Not yet, anyway. I felt Michael shift, and then kiss me softly, and I hummed gently as I pressed into it, but tried not to overthink it.

Since getting lunch at Bossa Nova a few weeks back, Chris had picked up so many old habits that I had stopped trying to remember if things were always that way, or was done just because he had me in front of him. One of those things I knew had always been was his departures. They had always included him kissing my lips before he got up to leave a table, or a room. Even with my eyes closed, I was smiling at the memories that washed over me as I thought about it. Remembering where we were and what was up, I opened my eyes seconds later as I heard items being sat on the table.

**“Orange juice for the lady,”** Our waiter winked at me as I smiled at him, and accepted my glass with a quiet thank you in return. 

**“You might have to come right back,”** Michael warned as I ripped the straw open and stuck it in the glass, and rolled my eyes at him. 

**“She’ll be done drinking this before you sit my apple ju-”**

**“Oh wow.”** His name tag read Hank, and I shook my head as I pulled it back up.

**“I’m dehydrated.”** I lied, and he laughed at me as he sat down an additional glass of water.

**“Be right back with another one for you.”** I smiled up at him as he disappeared.

We were in a weird spot between senior coffee, club goers, and tourists. We hadn’t been in here long either, and was situated between two older women, and a group dressed in all 2000s gear, and I knew they had to have just left the party. They kept occasionally peeking over at our table, but didn’t approach us, and I appreciated that. Getting in here had been rough enough, so I didn’t really want to have anyone else in my face right now, and I know the two of them shared that sentiment.

It had only been twenty minutes after TMZ cameras had caught up with all three of us coming in here together anyway, and the ride over here was madd quiet. We were still pulling ourselves together from our post-argument, post-repeat-solo-quickies, post-still-drunk-from-the-party, and cameras in your face have you hazy and fucked up, and I definitely kept my eyes narrowed and mouth closed as the reporters tried to question us about what was going down as we got in here.

I was pretty sure I either looked drunk as fuck still, or like a deer in headlights.

I sank back in my seat and stared down at my manicure for a second before smoothing down a fray strand on the Raptors jersey that still smelled like Chris. My eyes closed briefly as I heard a soft sigh to my left, and then, felt a hand caress my back as the same hand tucked protectively onto my side. I slid over just a little into Mike’s side again, and leaned into him to kiss his lips. He squeezed me a little, and I rested there, hiding a yawn.

Going to get food was a bad idea. 

Not really, because I  _ was  _ hungry, but, everybody could tell something was a lil’ off. When I say  _ everybody,  _ I meant  _ everybody _ . From the host to the patrons in the diner we’d chosen, you could just tell that while we were all willingly together, there was tension. That same tension that had followed us since ‘07, really. 

The tension between us was based solely upon how I was going to be shared. It was interesting to see from us getting in here, to sitting down in a booth, to me, for the thousandth time tonight, being sandwiched between them. It had all been a silent, but very apparent battle. I thought they were over the fight for placement, but apparently, no, they were not. I found myself exhaling softly as I tried to remember that for things to work, it’d have to end up like this.

And, this was only one of the couple of best case scenarios for the situation too. This was what used to get us through long weekends and kick offs before overseas tours and shit. This, just us sitting down, breaking bread, and trying to navigate this whole thing,  _ together,  _ usually worked well for us. I closed my eyes again as I tried to recount just how many times we’ve sat somewhere together, and eventually the conversation got kicked off the same way, every time. 

But this time, years later, we needed to have a new conversation. 

I knew that, and the two of them knew that as well. We were older. There was a kid involved. I was immediately sucked into old patterns like I was nineteen again. I was regressing and progressing at the same time. I didn’t see myself pulling my head up for air, or to tend to anyone else, like the man who was wrapped up in me right now. He didn’t deserve that, but he had been conditioned to  _ understand,  _ and it was fucked up. I was trying to recall why I always fuckin’ did things the way I did, but I knew that was deeper than something I could just answer flat out. I’d have to bring that up when I was back in Brooklyn, sitting with my therapist. 

Things had  _ changed,  _ and I wonder if that had been addressed in my absence, because it did. 

It had to have been a talking point for one of them. I might have spent the last couple of days seriously taking a break from everything except for being me, carefree and not giving a fuck, but enough was enough. I had to get serious about this shit. It was too important not to.

None of us knew exactly how to start the new conversation off though, and as I sat here overthinking, I wondered how many times they’d tried to have the conversation without me. They both brought up how I was different now, and they brought up how they could see the changes in me, small or large, but how would that change our situation going forward? I was starting to wonder just how effective all of their talks without me had been for them to get to a place in which Mike was all for this once. 

But now, shit, who knows what the fuck he was up for anymore…

I was trying to get my words together before I started a conversation. I think the last few hours have pushed us into a place where it’s been decided that their moves could be summed up in one train of thought. Something along the lines of, _ “Yeah, I’m not going anywhere. So, you figure out what to do with that other nigga, cause, I’m not going anywhere.” _

But, that was usually Chris’ line, so I was sitting here, giggling to myself as I tripped off of the fact that Mike was pushing that same energy now. I didn’t know how to deal with that, and I couldn’t even keep lying to myself, saying that both of them couldn’t be stubborn  _ and _ cocky, right? 

I knew they could before I even tried to lie to myself and tell myself that it was impossible, cause it really wasn’t. I was just too used to Chris being the cocky element, not Mike. Mike had more sense than that, but I could also tell his ego had been bruised in the worst ways, and I knew better than to get in the middle of that shit. 

I mean, I wasn’t innocent when it came to him flippin’ the fuck out on me, either. I’d done enough, honestly, and I’m sure that pushing him into a cuck role twice in the same fucking night topped it off. I didn’t want to torment him even more than I already did, and was just sitting here, drawing idle circles on his wrist, trying to figure out a way to genuinely apologize for pushing him away like I had.

**“I love you, Mike.”** I hummed softly, as I gripped his wrist. 

**“I love you too, Kacie.”** He sighed softly as I pushed myself up, noticing I was sinking into him, and slipping. 

I folded my arms underneath my head for just a second, and sighed again as I felt his hands rubbing circles in my back, and I sat up again, telling myself to stay woke.

**“You sure you wanna stay here?”** He questioned, and I nodded.

It was late, or hella early, whichever way you wanted to look at it, and there were hella 24 hour spots open from us to choose from. We ended up at the first suggested place. I wasn’t trying to get any tacos, no hot dogs, and definitely nothing with an attached bar right now. I just wanted to soak up the last bits of liquor that was still sloshing around in my gut, complicating me from being at my best right now. 

We’d gotten thrown into the rush of clubs emptying out and tourists who had just gotten into town, trying to find something to eat. That could either be annoying and aggravating as fuck, or pretty cool with little run ins, but I wasn’t banking on anything. I liked Mel’s, though. I just wanted my Elvis Scramble, extra chorizo, add avocado, and my damned french toast, and I’d be good and sleep, probably before we got back home. 

I grunted as I realized Chris hadn’t come back yet, and I sucked my teeth, not wanting to show that I was really focusing on that either. I sat up and craned my head though, looking around the room, wondering if I’d spot his big assed head, and I didn’t. But, I did witness a group of girls staring over in our direction, and I made eye contact with one.

Tonight, only three times since we’d sat down, we’d been approached for photos. And honestly, after I made eye contact with lil’ mama from across the way, I was just waiting on the next one. It was just my luck that seconds later, the same girl that had locked eyes with me came up to the table, looking at us expectantly.

**“Hi.”** I addressed her gently, and she smiled back at me. 

**“Hey, excuse me for staring at you like that. Uhm, My name is Kimaya, and I know you guys look tired, and you probably just came from a date night or something, but it’s my 19th birthday, and I was wonderin’ if I could get a picture with Erik?”** Her voice was soft and competing with the sounds of  _ I Want You Back  _ as it played from the lil’ jukebox on the table, and I’d wondered why the hell Michael had been so quiet, but now I saw why.

Both of our eyebrows raised as we looked at each other, and he smirked in a way that made me cross my legs. Nah. He gotta chill. I’m still thankful I was on birth control during that entire fuckin’ thing, ‘cause… 

Nah. I can’t deal with Erik Killmonger, just like I know all of that inner Adonis ‘Donnie’ Creed he can possess better hope I decide to get this next birth control shot.

**“My bad, Michael?”** She corrected herself, and I giggled softly.

**“No you didn’t come over here thinkin’ he was in Erik mode,”** I teased her softly as her presence made me lean into the table, and she smiled. 

**“I don’t think Erik would be hanging out in Mel’s. LA is a long ass drive from Oakland, first of all. And, I feel like he’d still be out in Oakland anyway. He’d probably be somewhere being not shit, putting Shuri on to hyphy or something. Or, okay- let me shut up, he hates when I start world building.”** I was talking to distract myself, and keep myself up.

I laughed as my comments entertained the both of them, and put the tension in her shoulders away. She stood up straight as she beamed at me before looking over at Michael, and then back at me, and I winked at her.

**“I do. You be getting OC, and there’s only so much I can retain.”** He wrapped his arm around me, and I wondered if all I needed to do was to further distract him to pull him back to me.

**“Ignore my girl though, whussup Mama? You said you wanted a picture?”** He asked her, and she nodded softly.

**“I can get it,”** I suggested as we untangled, and she passed me her camera. 

Once I was done - and she showed me how to use it, because I hadn’t run into the kind of camera she had in a minute, she smiled at me, and then hugged me tightly like she knew me.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t off putting. 

She went on to start gushing and calling us cute together, and a bunch of shit that made me smile at her. I liked her energy, and it was definitely doing slight work at changing my mood for the better. I took a few selfies with her, and she smiled as she started telling me how she came out here for a filmmaking and screenwriting camp. She said that she wanted to make her own show too, and I was hype to hear it. I wished I knew what the hell I wanted to really do when I was nineteen. I dug in my purse and gave her one of my cards to my office, and told her to hit me up. I could help, even if just for a weekend. 

She was hype, genuinely so, and very thankful and respectful. I could tell she had to build up her confidence to approach us, but seconds later, as our conversation had started going back to school, she had shut down on us. I was confused for a second. She was the distraction I needed, and I didn’t need her to break that, but ain’t no telling who else she’d seen up in here. A lot of folks from the 2000s party had come this way. 

As a group from the opposite direction came our way, I caught a hug from Mario as he left back out. Brief, not too long, plus with an acknowledging nod in Mike’s direction, he promised me that he’d be hitting me up when he was back on the East Coast.

Kimaya’s head hadn’t moved as she stared straight ahead, not focusing on our little corner booth anymore, and I knew why as soon as I turned my head up too, hearing Chris approach the table before I saw him. I was on some other shit, but I could always sense him before I saw him pop up. He was humming the song our table played, and my ears zeroed in to the sound immediately. 

**“Babe, you messin’ with this girl? Why she finna cry?”** Chris asked as he approached our table, and I stuck my neck out as I turned my head to look at her again, and true to his word, she was about to cry. 

**“Oh shit, she is about to cry.”** I hummed softly, watching her paw at her eyes. 

**“Can I pleeeeee-”**

**“Baby, it’s her birthday. Take a picture with her. Here, wipe your tears first, baby girl. You don’t wanna have snot nose in your birthday pictures,”** I gave her a few napkins and she raised her eyebrow at me, and then looked back at Chris. 

She turned her back to fix her face and then turned back to us, and looked into her phone for a second, and then back at me. I gave her a thumbs up, and she exhaled.

**“Thank you, Kacie. Oh my god, you are so nice.”** She squeezed into our booth then, as Chris used his long ass arms to capture a few photos for her, even with some funny faces. I smiled as she hugged him as he wished her Happy Birthday.

**“Ain’t noooobody gon’ be believe my luck, thank you so much, oh my fuckinnnn’... God! I got the juice! Chris Brown and Michael B Jordan in the same night?! Oh, my God.”** She respectfully departed from our table after she broke from another embrace with Chris, and I shook my head.

**“Kacie! I’ma call you, I promise. I’ll call you tomorrow, thank you!!”**

The two of them were smiling over it, and I shook my head softly, wondering how long it would be before it popped up all over Instagram, and someone would tag one of us, if not all three of us, in it. After that had died down, with me back in the middle once again, we had tucked into our phones, further distracted. It was like we were just here because it was suggested, and not because we honestly wanted to be. 

Kimaya’s presence warmed me up, but I knew we were still trying to put ourselves in a position to start talking. We were all distracted by our own devices, which was definitely out of character for us. We should have been talking, joking, discussing something important, or anything, really, but we we weren’t. We all had our heads in our phones while we had been tucked into a secluded lil’ booth in the cut, and that wasn’t good.

**“I give it less than ten minutes before it’s reposted on TSR as Chris Brown, Kacie Devaughn, Michael B Jordan and a fan,”** Chris finally spoke up, and I shook my head as he dug into his pocket and put two hundred dollar bills on the table.

**“Nah. Five before it’s on balleralert.”** Michael spoke up, putting two on top of that. I shook my head, entertained by this, but continued to shake it with more vigor as they both looked at me.

**“Nah, I ain’t betting with either one of y’all asses. I’ll be the one sitting here, waiting to see who’s right.”** I insisted, knowing it wouldn’t be long before I got my stuff  _ to go,  _ and headed back home.

…

**“You really ate all of your french toast, and now you act like I don’t see your hand, trying to get some of my fries?”** Mike inquired as I looked up at him, and gently slid a curly fry into my hand. 

We locked eyes as I slid it into my mouth, held my finger up, and glanced over at Chris’ plate. I took one of his fries too, and had my cheeks crammed with fries as I nearly choked, trying to swallow them down.

**“It was not that hard to swallow earlier,”** I choked out a laugh as they both patted at my back, and seconds later, Chris passed me my almost empty glass of lemonade. Mike took a second to see if I was okay, shook his head, and tried to hide his laugh into his arm.

**“How I’ma drink ice?! How?”** I grunted as Chris laughed, and poured his lemonade over my ice.

**“You know I’m not gon’ let your lil’ ass choke. You good?”** He asked, genuinely concerned. I nodded as I swallowed down the lemonade, and sat up straight, and hit myself in the chest a few times, making sure I could swallow again.

I whined out in a combination of exhaustion and tiredness as I dabbed at my eyes, swiping at tears. The two of them were both still eyeballing me, and I shook my head as I sat up, and dragged my finger through the remainder of syrup on my french toast plate.

If I wasn’t on a mission to get them to stop softly discussing other things that we could have been doing right now, we probably would have still been sitting here, not really saying shit. I went dark in times like this for good reason, but it was almost six am, I was full as hell, and now, I just wanted to go back home with Chris and go to sleep.

It was absolutely out of character for this whole thing to go down the way it was. Not out of character for  _ us  _ in terms of the roles we played in this whole thing, not necessarily, but it was interesting to sit back and watch everything unfold. We all had our particular parts in this three way tango we had been attempting to make work. I had opened up the Notes app on my phone like I often did, and just took notes on what was going on around me, wondering if anything could be drawn from it.

It’d be easy to map this out as a play, really. The characters were already easily assembled for me. I played The Girl Who Wanted Everything. Chris was The Boy Who Was Meant To Be A Husband, who had missed his moment. Michael was The Best Friend Who Stepped In, was around for all of the mess, and had all of the intentions to get what he thought he’d be better off at having. For a long time, that was how we functioned when we were in the same space together. 

Right now, it didn’t, and it shouldn’t have been any different than that.

It wasn’t, really. Better than The Girl Who Wanted Everything trying to be greedy, snatching up not one, not two, but three, count it, three lovers. But as the narrative was spun as of lately, someone had been eliminated.

Don | looks like you’ve had an interesting night, huh?

My phone lit up again, making me slide the notification down as Donald’s text thread open, and he had sent me some photos from the party. I guessed that someone he knew was there too, keeping tabs on me, and it made me shake my head, and then suck my teeth. I wasn’t even mad about it. I hadn’t caught up with Don since I’d left him in his apartment to meet up with the girls. Our text thread was nothing but frowning emojis from him, and apologies from me. Typical Kacie, really.

The two of them were both watching me as I tapped back at the screen, but neither of them had the balls to lean into my screen and see exactly who I was texting. I told him to let me know when he’d be in the studio again, and I’d swing through. 

I didn’t trust us to be anywhere alone right now. 

So, I was down to just the two, it seemed like… I was trying to be smart about it though. I knew it was no fuckin’ way in hell I was  _ ever  _ going to have the three of them around each other, not willingly anyway. I could just see the chaotic attitudes on all ends now. Ugh. Probably by force, and definitely while on the set, but off set, fuck no. According to the internet, I was in deep competition, in almost some season finale, reality show level type of  competition with Chris vs Michael, both trying to get at me. 

I was narrowing my eyes at a particular thread on Twitter that had caught my attention, painting this as some  _ black bachelorette  _ type of shit, and could you imagine? ‘Cause, I know that I could.

As a matter of fact, it was giving me an idea for a short movie, or something I could spin later when I got bored. Funny enough, I had already been playing with the idea of spinning the threesome situation in the same vein as  _ Booty Call _ or  _ Sprung _ from back in the day, just to have something to joke at if I needed to. I was distracting myself, but I needed to. It had been  _ years  _ since our dynamics had seen the light of day, and this trip to LA in particular yielded results beyond my wildest ideas in terms of  _ the reunion.  _

When I was here about four months prior for the Black Panther premiere, it was  _ not  _ poppin’ like this for your girl, but I tried not to think about how many windows and doors that had been easily left open had been closed just as swiftly. I knew we’d been missing each other. I knew we could have figured out a long time ago how to make this work, and just deal with it. 

All we were doing now was bullshitting, really. Wading in complications that we didn’t want to bring up, didn’t know how to address effectively, to keep it real, and I knew we’d all need some sort of intervention before we separated. We’d have to bring someone else into our situation, and get some advice, and I could think of several people to give that honor to, but I needed to keep researching it first.

I flicked away from the open notes app and went back to Twitter. My timeline was still on fire, and my mind was going back and forth on a few things that I didn’t want to speak out into the open, but instead, I decided to carefully reword them and tweeted them instead.

KacieDevaughn: #onlyslightlysober. haven’t tweeted in awhile, and i should be sleep. don’t take this as a sign to jump in my DMs or hit my personal though, bc Baby has it in his back pocket, so….

KacieDevaughn: busy day ahead. too much on my mind though. time with the boys is coming to a close soon. *sigh.

KacieDevaughn: just wondering how hard it would be to get everything i wanted… once i work out the kinks, i’ll get just that & more. tenfuckingfold.

No sooner than me hitting ‘tweet’ did I hear two specific alert tones go off on either side of me, and I shook my head softly. Seconds later, I closed the app as it blinked with replies, retweets, and favorites to the tweets, and a few mentions to people of irrelevance. I shook my head at it.

No thanks to how the last few days had been going, I nearly forgot how easy it was for me to forget what I was doing with my life _.  _ For as much fucking stressing, and overthinking, and overanalyzing I was so good at doing for everything else, I forgot how much little outlets like Twitter was useful, sometimes. 

I dipped in and out of it since I’d become frequently busy with acting and being a parent, and just life, honestly, but even with me being prone to go MIA, I could never really give it up. There were times in which I could be like my other peers too, and at my core, I was. I longed and wanted and wished for things just like anyone else did. I even put it out into the universe sometimes, just mysterious and not givin’ em too much. 

I straddled the line between,  _ “here, is this what the fuck your nosey ass wanted to see?” _ and,  _ “i don’t know what the hell you’re talking about if you ask me in public, but in my DMs, depending, you might get a whiff of tea steam, if you’re nice.”  _ when it came to operating my own social media. I wasn’t going to let anyone else take the reins on that for me. I’d sat back and watched other accounts from peers and colleagues alike get hype, they’d fuck up, and unbeknownst to most, a social media manager would step in, or it’d be abandoned for a while until they got their shit together, leaving it to turn into a horoscope slash google alert update feed, and I wasn’t with the shit.

Somewhere within this last month though, I forgot just how easy it was for me to be blindsided by the real world, who wasn’t just looking at what I was doing anymore, but was intruding on the situation too. It was catching me off guard as I narrowed my eyes at Michael, wondering where his head was. He had favorited my tweet and his knee was shaking against mine, and I finally decided to sit my phone down and push his hands down from his screen. I turned to the side and locked eyes with Chris, and he sat his phone down too, and softly apologized.

**“My bad, Babe.”**

**“Right, we all can’t just be here in our phones, and I’m still waiting on my other plate, sooo... We should be talking about something, anything.”** There was a pause as my previously mentioned food was sat on the table. 

I waited until Hank was gone before I waited to see if they would start talking, and neither of them did, which made me roll my eyes. 

**“Since ain’t nobody tryna bring up anything to talk about, I’ll go first. I think I fucked up having the first interaction between the three of us being a party situation after I ran the fuck away from home for almost a whole week.”** I shrugged as I rearranged my food on my plate, and looked between the two of them.

**“Oh, nah, bring up something else. Too many ears.”** Mike uttered, and I shook my head softly. 

**“Let her vent.”** Chris insisted, and I smiled at him as I planted my feet on the ground and pushed myself up between the two of them again. I was slipping and sliding all around these damned seats in this booth, and it was annoying me.

**“Just sitting here has me wondering what other people who’ve walked by in an attempt to go the bathroom are thinking as they see us together and we’re not ducking or hiding ourselves.”** Chris explained, and then shrugged. 

We all watched a group of girls walk in our direction, glimpse at our table, whisper to each other, and laugh as they walked off.

**“See, like that. You can’t always be super paranoid about it, but you also don’t never really know, you know? I’m just… going with whatever. It is what it is, ‘cause I know what it’s gonna be, so, I’m not pressed about it.”** He shrugged as he put way too much ketchup on his plate, and started on his burger.

Mike was quiet, but nudged me in the side to continue. I looked at him, and sighed softly as I turned towards him. I knew how to pull off tough conversations in public places. I lowered my already soft voice to only the two of them could hear me, and leaned in when I was addressing one of them. It all needed to be said though.

**“Like I said, I fucked up. I should have did like I normally do, and analyzed the fuck out of making the situation into what it was, and for ya--”** I shook my head as I watched Michael’s eyes narrow a little, and I corrected myself.

**“Not even y’all, for you, especially, to participate not once, but twice really has me curious about what lengths you’ll go through to keep me as long as I’m happy knowing you'll always be there for me.”** I posed a serious question that I knew he couldn’t answer right now. 

He just scoffed slightly, and shrugged his shoulder at me, and went back to his food.

**“I also don’t like to make everything about me me me me me, y’all both know that, but… I don’t know, man. I don’t feel like I’m worth the headache sometimes. Then, I have times in which I don’t know what the fuck I’d do without either of y’all, and Jesus, now that you're back…”** I turned towards Chris and shook my head, and watched him mirror my actions.

I stopped acknowledging Michael and ran my hand across Chris’s arm, making him look into my eyes.

**“I don’t know why I wasn’t more prepared for this. I knew that I should have been, but I fucking wasn’t, and that’s thrown me off just a little. It’s made motherfuckers doubt everything, y’know, including me. Mike…. Shit, I don’t know what I’m doing to you, Mike.”** I shook my head and pressed my back against the seat.

**“You’re so convinced deep down that you’ll never have me like you want me, even when you know that deep down, you just wants things to work out. I just… don’t know how any of this is going to end up, and it’s scary. Like for real, I’m afraid. I haven’t even tapped into that true fear, but it’s there.”** I stuffed my mouth with chorizo and eggs, and refused to keep turning this into a session if I was going to be talking to my fucking self.

**“And what for? What do you have to be afraid of, babe?”** Michael inquired as he’d watched me eat a nice portion of the food in front of me, and I sucked my teeth as I swallowed down half of my lemonade, and turned towards him.

**“Michael, you could get up tomorrow and decide that this is done, fuck me and some more shit, and how would I explain that?”** I asked, glaring at him. Chris grunted on the other side of me, and I elbowed him a little harder than I wanted to, and he grunted again, and glared at me.

**“The fuck?”** He muttered under his breath, and I rubbed his same side softly.

**“My bad.”** I continued rubbing his side, and looked at him, and sighed softly.

**“You could decide that everything we wanted is something you’d still want to pull off, and baby, we had big plans and big dreams, but how would we make that manageable?”** I really wanted to know, and I had no idea what was going to happen.

**“I could just.. buckle under the pressure, marry you, down the line, but be pregnant with his kid, how? Y’all left me with time to think and I’m still a lil’ tipsy, so my mind is just...unraveling all of these scenarios, and I haven’t been to sleep for real, and I even started writing down ideas to use this shit for the future, and I feel like.. nobody can be spared.”** I was rambling and they wouldn’t shut me the fuck up. 

My ears were hot though, my stomach had dipped at the thought and reminder, and I shoveled more eggs into my mouth, and focused on finishing another portion of the plate off.

**“Everybody’s going to get hurt.”** Michael parroted, and I looked up from my plate and nodded softly.

**“Everybody’s already been hurt, but… fucking eventually, it’s going to process itself as hurt and pain and boxing, and favoritism, and.. unbalanced harmony, and I don’t want any of that. I want a clear definition of primary. I want secondary to not always feel like last. I want… to know why are you so pulled in that you feel like without me, shit is useless. You distract yourself, and you, you fake it. And y’all both still end up back to me.”** I asked, not really wanting or needing an answer anymore. I just had to get it out of my head and out into the open.

It got quiet again, and I knew they were thinking about what I was saying. Instead of adding more of my thoughts to the discussion, I finished my food. I just swallowed softly and shook my head as they finished as well, and we finally go the fuck out of that booth.

I checked out as Chris decided to pay, and talked Michael down from offering. The argument went over my head and was squashed quickly, and I watched a couple of heads turn as Mike left the two hundred dollars on the table as a tip, and then pulled me into his chest, and I settled against him as we waited on our food to go.

**“Don’t worry, you’ll pay for our next one, and I’ll tip.”** Chris insisted as he looked at me in Mike’s arms, and then leaned into me, and kissed me softly on the lips. 

I heard an audible gasp from somewhere else, and then a loud, “ _ bitch!”  _ before we ducked back out, as I grabbed our bag and shook my head as we walked out. 

Oh Fucking Well. 

...

**“I know you're stubborn, but you gotta look at the bigger picture here. If he won’t try to get with the program, fuck him.”** Chris shrugged his shoulders as we made it back to the bedroom, and all I could do was shrug just as pitifully in response.

**“But, he wanted to try before and was all for it, so why does it feel like it’s easier now to just give up?”** I asked out loud, not really needing an answer. The shit was just weird to me.

**“Because he sees it in action, and sees that it ain’t like how he remembered it. It ain’t like nothing you could have told him we did that led up to it. He never got to see how with the time apart, how intense the shit got. If the shoe was on the other foot…”** Chris shrugged, catching my eyes as I watched him undress. I walked up to him, and ran my fingers down his back, and kissed the back of his neck, and pressed my head against it.

**“Don’t even start with some hypothetical bullshit. You know I hate hypotheticals.”** I stopped him before he started up, and he threw his hands up as I pushed away from him, and sat down on the end of the bed with a sigh.

This room was a fucking mess, and if I wasn’t so fucking tired, I’d be focused on how we needed to pick up in here. I was arching my back off of residual energy alone, and as much as I wanted to power down, I was still up for kissing him softly until I passed out. I wondered if I could pull that off, but I definitely took some aleve to stop the headache that was trying to form before I even pulled that off.

**“You want me to set an alarm?”** Chris inquired softly as I shook a few more aleve into my hand, and finished off the bottle of water that I’d left behind. 

**“Set it for eight fifteen, please.”** I grunted as I rubbed wearily at my eyes. 

He watched me closely, and pulled me close to him. He gently kissed my lips and my forehead, and pulled the jersey that had doubled as a dress back off. I arched my back as I felt my naked body hit the sheets again, and he watched me inch back up to the pillows.

**“You not gon’ smile for me?”** He asked, and I faked it in response. He swatted me with a pillow, and I kicked my foot out in his direction, hoping it connected with something.

**“I swear, this ain’t even shit to be bothered by. We gon’ get it together. It’s either gonna work, or it aint, but like I said, he can at least fuckin’ try. It’ll eliminate problems we ain’t even considering right now.”** Chris explained as I nodded gently, and then folded my body into the corner of the bed. 

Seconds later, Chris slid in behind me, and pulled me into his chest. I was just over everything at the moment, and I was sleep before I even realized how comfortable I was. Sleep was quick, motionless, and as disorienting as the previous nap before had been. I realized that I had literally been functioning off of maybe four hours of sleep total since yesterday when we lounged around all day, and that made me groan too.

I was pushing myself like I was still in my early twenties with energy to burn, and I wasn’t. I was fucking  _ tired.  _ Eight came way too quickly, and I was up fifteen minutes before the alarm was set to even go off. My nights literally popped back into functioning as nonstop motion, and I had to adjust back into that. 

**“Fuuuuuuck….”** I knew I couldn’t just lie here, as much as I wanted to.

I snapped up as I snatched my iPhone off of the charger, and exhaled softly as my notifications continued to roll in. Celeste had just texted me too, and I grunted as my phone went off again. I winced as I opened the text, and my eyes adjusted to the dimness of my screen.

**“Didn’t Chris just have this on?”** I read out loud as I waited for the next text to come in, and groaned lowly as I saw a side by side of me and Chris from last night, posing at the party, to a candid shot from only a few hours ago of Chris, Mike, and I leaving Mel’s Drive-In. 

I swear, sometimes she acted like she was sixteen instead of six. I groaned softly again as I sat up in the bed, and immediately facetimed her.

**“Ayo, what’d I tell you about googling me, Celeste?”** I questioned, squeezing my eyes shut briefly.

**“Whussup, cousin?”** I rolled my eyes in endless circles as I opened my eyes at the sound of my cousin Miguela’s voice instead.

**“Mommy, that wasn’t me that time, Miguela and Miguel are here, and Miguela got my phone acting stupid,”** Celeste cried from the other side of the screen as I sucked my teeth.

**“Bitch, give my baby her phone back and quit fuckin’ playing with me,”** I cursed at my younger cousin through yawns as she cackled, and shook her head.

**“I will, but first, what are you on out there now, huh? Y’all finna get back to it? Star already told me she was gon spend the summer with her Daddy.”** She launched immediately into trying to confirm things she’d been told or had come across, and I nodded softly as I closed my eyes again.

**“....You ain’t looping me in, Booda? After all of the secrets I kept, that's how you gon’ do me bitch?”** Miguela whined, and I opened my eyes briefly, only to close my eyes again at the sound of her whines.

**“It’d be different if you were home, but you ain’t. And by the time you get back home, I'll be out there. So, unless you either gon’ come back out here, or meet up with me in Brooklyn, ion’ know what to tell you..”** I scrunched up my face as I sat up, and tried to plan a route to the bathroom, despite being naked.

**“Y’all together again, forreal? Like, for good? Where is he at right now?”** She kept rattling off inquiries, and I turned the camera with a too forceful jab of my finger into the screen, showing him on my side, snoring and comfortable. 

**“Still sleep, Miguela, Damn. It's eight fucking am here.”** I muted her as I dropped a kiss on his forehead, and sat up for a second on the end of the bed. I put her on pause as I grabbed the jersey, shook it off, and threw it back over my head.

**“To be honest, if I could leave right fucking now, I would. I got shit to do today and I’m ready to just leave LA and get my baby and just chill. I want some real cookout food, I miss my daddy, my baby, and just… I’m tired of this LA shit right now.”** I complained softly as I crept into the bathroom, and she sighed.

**“Bring your ass home then. Tell him gas up the jet.”** She insisted, and it wasn’t a bad idea. I thought about it, and shrugged softly.

**“That ain’t a bad idea. Give my baby her phone though, lemme talk to her.”**

I was glad this was scheduled for eleven AM, ‘cause I was fucking sleepy. I was quick to go though my morning routine of brushing my teeth, peeing, picking clothes up off of the floor, straightening the bedroom, and stopping to stare at Chris, still in bed. By the time I climbed back into bed, as naked as I was when I’d gotten out of it, I knew his ass would be flipping over soon, trying to put me back to sleep.

**“Stop grinding against my ass,”** I muttered some few hours later as I heard the alarm go off again.

**“You ain’t finna be grumpy all fuckin’ day, Kacie.”** I heard Chris mutter as I ran my hands down my face and rolled over on my back. Unable to get any more sleep, I stared up at the ceiling in frustration.

**“I’m over this day already. Like, I’m ready to go. I wanna just go be with my daughter and block everybody out on some real shit.”** I explained, and he sighed softly next to me, but didn’t say anything else.

**“You have shit to do today, so, be patient. Get that done first. Maybe we can pop up on her early, if you honestly want to.”** He said as I rolled over in the bed and slapped my hand gently on his face, and then smiled as I kissed him.

Today was a day for business, and I felt some kinda way that we’d have to be out of the house soon, but really, shit, I was ready to leave the whole fuckin’ state for real. Today was the day when the sun was shining again and I had to go do interviews, which meant that I was getting back to work whether I was ready, or not. To be honest though, after the argument earlier, I was dreading it. 

Even while sitting up in the bed, untangling from Chris’ arms, and gently kissing his forehead before he snatched me back, the last thing I wanted to do was to get out of this bed to get my fuckin’ work line. I wasn’t hype for this at  _ all,  _ but I had to do it. 

I whined softly the entire time I walked over towards the bedroom closet, and I yanked my favorite blue robe down and shuffled into my favorite flip flops and sat back on my side of the bed, just trying to pull my head and my thoughts together.

**“You have that Complex interview today, and that was a reschedule right? You can’t just be disappearing out of the whole state just yet.”** I felt the bed shift and his legs wrapped around me, and squeezed me gently. He attacked the side of my face in kisses as I was silent, and elbowed him softly in the gut, and he locked our hands together as I sighed softly.

**“Yeah, I know, I know. I mean, it could have been earlier, so let me not keep whining about the shit. I asked for this. I signed up for this.”** I leaned into his chest and he wrapped his hands around me and squeezed me softly.

**“You should let me come. I ain’t doin’ shit else today.”** He insisted softly as we rested against each other for a while, and I tilted my head back to look at him, and ran my fingers against the corner of his eye. I grunted as I stopped frowning and really looked at him, and sucked my teeth.

**“Oh, you thought I wasn’t gon’ ask you to come?”** I asked, and he shrugged.

**“Shit, ion’ know…you doing a lot of unpredictable shit as of lately.”**

**“Uhnnn, okay, first, don’t slander me. And secondly, please go wash your face first, ole crusty eyed ass boy.”** I giggled as he scrunched up his face and pulled me up, lifting me and throwing me over his shoulder as he walked over to the sink, and sat me down on the counter.

**“My asscheeks are not bongos! You get on my nerves!”** I cried out as he chuckled and I pressed my lips against his again. I motioned for him to come back and let him kiss me until I was gripping the sink, and I finally slapped him away.

**“That’s a yeah, though?”** I watched him go through his skincare routine as I sat back and texted Oliver, telling him to make sure I had some kind of coffee waiting, ‘cause I was still dead tired.

**“You can.”** I raised my eyebrow as I looked at him, and he smirked at me.

**“Stop frowning,”** He poked at my cheek, and I stuck my tongue out at him.

**“I’m kinda nervous though.”** I admitted as I shrugged softly, and he raised his eyebrow at me. 

**“Why? I’ma be there.”** He replied as if that was the key to fixing and solving all of my issues, but it wasn’t.

**“That actually only increases my nerves, to be honest.”**

**“You usually nervous before you do interviews?”**

**“Not often. I usually zone out, get it done, like.. my work mode is hella focused and hella serious. You might break my concentration.”** I rolled my eyes gently, and he smiled at me.

**“Focus on me then, so you can concentrate.”** He insisted, and I shrugged again. 

**“Oh, fuck, yo, Google play Focus by HER!”** He winked at me as I pushed him away from me.

_ “Okay, here’s Focus by HER, on Spotify.” _

**“Oh My God,”** I laughed as I hopped off of the sink, and he continued singing his heart out as I walked away from him, and back into the bedroom.

**“What is this even about?”** He asked as he stuck his feet into his Nike slides, and turned towards me as I pulled my work line from its hiding spot, and powered it back up. 

I closed my eyes softly as I saw notifications from the off topic work chat, and looked up at him.

**“Kicking off the summer, really. We’re gonna talk about what I have for the upcoming summer and what I’m working on or whatever, and what I’m looking forward to. It’s going to be funny as fuck when it evolves into the anti-interview though, ‘cause ion’ plan on doing shit this summer but spending time with you and Les until I start shooting again.”**

**“So, what the hell are you going to talk about then? You ain’t got no concrete plans,”** Chris teased, and I glanced at him, shrugging my shoulder softly.

**“I’m pretty sure with the way the last few days have been going, somebody’s gonna bring that up. I figured I could address it myself. It wouldn’t hurt. Maybe even bring up my baby, just because I feel it in my fuckin’ gut that someone’s going to try it soon.”** I shrugged again.

**“Complex thrives off of pop culture, so I figured why not hit ‘em over the head with it before someone on the staff tries to come up with some shit on their own. I also have an interview with The Fader before we go too, and that’s about it before we get out of here.”** I told him, and he nodded.

**“Nervous, still?”**

**“I mean,”** I shrugged. 

**“Not everybody likes me, but I don’t give a fuck. I looked at Twitter for like a hot second, and everyone has an opinion. I get that. Still don’t make it less annoying, but one thing I been knew is that you can’t please everybody, so don’t be stupid and try to.”**

**“Niggas gon staaaay mad, for basically** **_everything._ ** **Niggas are mad cause I’m just out here making moves, and not exposing our relationship. Niggas are mad cause we’re not telling them everything. Niggas are mad cause you keep a bad bitch and they don't understand how. Mad cause the day ends in y, but I don’t be pressed about any of that shit.”** I shrugged my shoulders again, and he smiled at me.

**“Don’t even try and make ‘em happy.”** He told me, and I smiled.

**“You’ll never win that way.”**


	21. baby, be mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i guess it's still you, thrill me, baby, be mine.

20 | Baby, Be Mine

 **“We have a winnnerrrrrrr!!”** The Skee Ball machine yelled out as I jumped away from it, and did an impromptu Harlem Shake as I saw that I had won, again, and it made my congratulatory dance so much better.

 **“Oh, look at that shit! I don’t even know why you keep playin’ with me!”** I exclaimed, while smacking Chris in his chest.

He stepped back a little and grunted, and I pursed my lips as I motioned back up at the score, and his sad face was captured by the photographer, which made me laugh even louder. We were caught mid-laugh and mid-sulk, and it made my face warm up with excitement. I wanted all of these prints.

 **“And, you can’t say I cheated, ‘cause you watched me. You watch me every fuckin’ time we play a game against each other and I beat your ass, and I win, and you pout. C’mere, pouty baby.”** I motioned for him to close the gap between us and he did, and I smirked at him.

 **“You mad?”** I asked, as I tilted my head back at the high score.

I was running off of adrenaline, not really giving a fuck about the cameras, and wrapped my arms around his waist. I inched up on my toes and kissed his lips, and he pouted, and I smacked him in the forehead, and laughed as he scooped me up, and spun me around, knowing I hated how he disarmed me.

I don’t know why he wanted to be competitive with me in the first place. He learned his lesson early, in the very beginning. I had finally reached a point in which I felt comfortable just letting him know what I was into and what I liked way before I knew that I wanted something more out of him. Back when we were just hanging out, all the way back in ‘06, when we were still just Kacie and Chris. We spent the day at Coney Island, and everything I beat him in, I let him keep all of the lil’ bears and shit.

Why he’s playing right now like I’m not the champ, I have no idea. I was whooping his _ass_ in Skee Ball. I was the fourteenth time Skee Ball champion for the last twenty minutes. We were literally fourteen to seven. This was my shit, just like Pac Man had been, Dig Dug, and Galaga before it, so… yeah.

I got a kick out of this shit, and I was also the Shit Talking Queen as well. He knew better than to make it competitive with me. Yeah, he got me in Free Throw Shootout by like eight baskets, and yeah, he also whooped my _ass_ in House Of The Dead, but it was all good when we got to Skee Ball, ‘cause he wasn’t gon’ get me in that too.

 **“You mad?”** I asked him again, watching him suck his lip in, and watching him roll his eyes at me.

 **“We ain’t even come here for this! Fix your fuckin’ face,”** I sucked my teeth as I got a few feet away from him. Chris pushed me in my side, and I circled back to smack him in his arm.

It was one of those, jump up in the moment, slap the fuck out of you slaps too. There wasn’t much alarm on anyone’s end because I always ended up laughing, even though I could see the tiny bit of concern from the people around me who hadn’t been around me before. He wasn’t gon’ let me hit him though, even if I was just playing with him. He never did, really -- no, once. Once, and I don’t want to go there.

I couldn’t even get off of the ground fully before he intercepted it, and snatched me up, mid-attempt. He picked me up and stopped me from picking up the ball again, but I knew he wanted to keep the fight going. We were still engaged in competition mode.

 **“Chill, Big Baby. You mighta beat my ass now, but I got you in the rematch. We ain’t leaving ‘til I beat your ass in Skee Ball, and that’s on Piru.”** He insisted as I scrunched my face up, and then smacked him in his forehead as he lowered me back down to my feet.

I placed the ball back in its setting and shook my head at him as I paused, turned towards the difference in our scores, and took a picture of it.

 **“Oh, you documenting shit now?”** He asked, and I nodded enthusiastically.

 **“I am, ‘cause you be on all bullshit and will act like I ain’t win later, when I know I did. I won, Babe! Plain and simple, you know Skee Ball always been my fuckin’ thing, ion’ even know why you’re acting like I’m not a beast.”** I laughed too, knowing he wasn’t gon’ do shit if I ain’t let him get the final high score.

 **“You’re not even speaking english anymore. I don’t speak squirrel. Calm down.”** He insisted, and I balked at him before waving him off.

He was going to make a big deal out of losing too, but as we both knew, plans were always subjected to change. We had to make moves. We’d make our way back over here, and I knew we would. We were situated around a private room at 1UP, a super cool arcade themed spot with a full kitchen, roller rink, and full arcade.

The reps for Complex’s newly revamped online version of the magazine claimed this was a summer themed issue back when I was going over it back at the office, and I made sure to dress the part. I had a huge assortment of graphic tees, shorts, old school shoes I had taken from the closet, and there was a bunch of stuff Julian had arranged for me to play dress up in.

I’d just come from my first of what was supposed to be five outfit changes, and was dressed in a yellow Crooklyn tee with a pair of silky, green short shorts, thigh high white socks with green stripes, some baby dookie ropes, my Bop jewelry, and a pair of princess white Reeboks. I honestly looked like my Momma did in a lot of the photos from back when Omari was a baby, and she got a kick out of it when I sent them to her. Baby was dressed similarly in a pair of high top white Reeboks, his Booda jewelry, acid washed shorts, and a yellow Pac-Man tee. I felt like a kid again, and was even more excited as Julian brought me over a pair of white roller skates for the next part.

This was constant motion, and I was thankful for it. Julian made me pose for him as I threw up two peace signs, and he walked over to me to gently pull at one of my hanging locs back behind my ear. My business line was poppin’, with inquiries from staff members and cast, who were really turning tonight’s continuation of a season one rewatch into something that was growing out of my control at this point. I couldn’t focus on too many things at once, and actively pushed not just my phone, but a few people in Oliver’s direction as I drank my own bottle of water, and sat down.

 **“You beat his ass, huh?”** He inquired as we watched Chris enter the room, pick up a water bottle, and guzzle it down. I smiled widely and turned my phone towards him, showing him the imagery of the score that I’d just put on IG.

 **“You already know, he cried the entire time I gave him the hands in Skee Ball.”** I laughed as I watched Chris glare at me, and then I smiled softly as I watched him pick his phone up, and then glare at me.

 **“What happened to your IG ban? Why’d you break it?”** Chris asked, like I hadn’t uploaded some pics at some point within the last couple of hours as well.

 **“Because, I beat you. And, before you could delete it off of my phone, I had to throw it up somewhere. Seven thousand, eight hundred, fifty hoe! I’m a beast and you can’t fuckin’ stop me!”** I glared at him, bucked at him and he laughed as he came my way and sucked his teeth at me.

We faced off again, finding ourselves standing face to face for a minute, and he looked serious as fuck. I put my serious face on too, and watched Julian pull out his phone, and seconds later, so did Oliver as he stopped in the doorway.

 **“You wanna put some money up on this, or what?”** I asked, and he stepped back and nodded, and I laughed.

 **“You don’t even carry cash, shut up.”** He stated, and I shrugged my shoulders, very much into attempting to intimidate him, but I also wanted to laugh, knowing I couldn’t anymore.

I don’t know why he let me talk so much shit, but the cameras had been rolling since we got here, both from the Complex crew and two of my own videographer friends that were always up for documenting my shenanigans. After being promptly yelled at in my messages that I had _finally_ started weeding through for not having an invite last night, this was my way of making up for that, and this was a lot more intimate than last night ever could have been, given the crowd. I don’t even know what the hell I was going to do with all of this footage, but I was sure that I’d figure it out eventually. They were all over too, and I knew some of this shit was most likely going to be all over in a few hours.

 **“If we ain’t putting money on Skee Ball, what’re we gon’ do then?”** I asked, swiveling my neck in anticipation.

 **“Nah, we ain’t gon put no money up. I was thinking that the loser has to take the winner on a date.”** He caught me off guard with that one. I stepped back, held my hand against my chest, looked over my shoulder at Julian and Oliver, and then back at Chris.

 **“Mmmmm, a date? A date, date? You wanna go on a date after you lose? That’s gon’ make you feel better?”** I was teasing him and flirting with him, and he licked his lips as he looked at me, and nodded.

 **“I’ma make sure I win. And when I do, you gon’ have to take me out on a dope ass date. By myself!”** He threw that last bit in there, and I inhaled softly, watching him slap himself in the chest. I dug my teeth into my bottom lip and got chest to chest to him again, and ran my fingers down the side of his face.

 **“Oh, you want to be alone with me, is what you’re saying? You want me alone, after all that, so I can remind you how I beat your ass in Skee Ball, huh?”** I teased him, and he chuckled softly, and thumped me in my head.

 **“You gon’ make this date amazing, while you’re tryna rub this shit in my face, damnit. Shake on it.”** He stuck his hand out, and I did, and shimmed away from him as he laughed at me.

 **“Boy, you finna have to reallllllllllly impress me. So, gone and see what we’re doing next, ‘cause you already know you got me started.”** I waved him off and pushed him towards the racks Julian had been coordinating since before we got here, and turned towards Oliver with a smile.

 **“Don’t you say a motherfucking thiiiiiiiiing, Liv.”** I whispered into his shoulder as I walked behind him, and watched him glance at me as I got to a rack, and sighed softly as I started to finger the items on it.

 **“Mhmmmm,”** He trilled in response as I waved him off, and turned back towards the clothing. **“I won’t. I have video. Tonight’s going to be fun.”**

 **“Oh, god. Y’all gon’ have to let me go home and sleep before we finish this rewatch. It’ll give you more time to really organize it better than before, and we’re not starting the fuck over either, so anyone who didn’t catch up gon’ just have to stomach it.”** I said, not even wanting to think about how I was about to get roped into another night of turning up.

As long as I got a nap in, I’d be good to go. Maybe not a nap. If this was over before two, that would be a full sleep before I went back to my office. I wanted to focus on one thing at a time though, and this was it. Oliver nodded and went back to typing away at his iPad in a lounge chair, and I shook my shoulders slightly through a yawn as I turned back to Julian.

 **“Ju, what’s next love?”** I inquired, and sucked my teeth once I realized he wasn’t even on my side of the room anymore.

Having Chris here was the icing on the cake for Julian. With him off my case since I didn’t take his flannel last night, and whatever else he was trying to harass me about, this was like Christmas for him. He had laid out all of my different sets for me - gaming, skating, a concert, lunch, and a summer date, but told me he had no idea Chris would show up, and he needed to work fast to make his presence pop too.

I was all up in my email once I realized I overlooked the majority of the details for the shoot, and only paid attention to summer theme, and none of the finer details. They’d even arranged for a male model to come and serve as my _date_ for the shoot, and he wound up lingering around in the background, which kinda made me feel bad, but he was still getting paid, so, I was good if he was good.

We both knew Chris wasn’t gon’ stand for it, and to be honest, we also both knew that the shit we were getting up to was about to kick off something major. I was in my bag on  some real shit, and so was he. We hadn’t even formally sat down for the actual interview yet. Yunzi, the interviewer, had been in gigs with me before. We’d hit up the carpet as correspondents in the past before, but we never had time to sit and rap together like I wanted to. She was just shooting shit off of the dome, and we were working in a good conversation between two people who’d ran in similar circles before, and someone who really wanted to know what was up.

They just _knew_ things were going to work out like they did though, so I guess that softened the blow. The people working the shoot already had me laughing when we finally made it here, because they’d been skating to _Loyal_ and _Ayo_ while things were getting set up. They just _knew_ I wasn’t going anywhere without his ass, it seemed like, and I chuckled at the fact that if this was ten years ago, we’d be in different positions, but it’d be the same vibe.

 **“Yo Julian, you know you work for me, right?”** I yelled out, watching Julian slowly turn back towards me, wearing an owlish expression. I laughed at him, but stuck my neck out, waiting for him to say something.

 **“I just wanted to ask Chris some questions,”** He explained softly, and I shook my head.

**“Okay, and? That nigga Chris ain’t nobody.”**

I laughed as Chris gave me the finger, and turned back towards whatever he and Julian was discussing. I was sure that Julian was going to spend most of his time asking Chris a thousand questions about his style in ‘08, which made me shake my head. Chris was getting a kick out of the situation as I watched them move on to the racks labeled ‘skating’, and I made my way back over to my rack with the same label.

I was actually excited about this, because it really didn’t feel like _work_ anymore, and I was silently wondering how long we’d have to enjoy ourselves while we did this. I was way more alert than I thought I’d be, but I definitely had a long day ahead of me.

My phone was back out again, and I was filling it with Snapchat mirror selfies. My second outfit was cute as fuck. I had gone with the ‘cry baby’ crop top in white, some high waisted jeans, and matching jean jacket that read ‘cry baby’ in red airbrushed graffiti over the back. I wanted to go straight _Thriller_ for the alternatives and outtakes for this one, and made sure that I had gotten stuff as close to Modern Ola as I could for when I came back in here. My hair had quickly gotten pulled up into two buns with two spiral curl locs in the front, and I cheesed at my reflection as I popped my grill back in. I was in the middle of lacing the skates up on my feet as I heard Chris still talking about the way I curved and threw the ball during our Skee Ball game, and I laughed.

 **“Boy, shut your cry baby ass up. I think I got the wrong clothes on,”** I yelled out again, and watched him stick his head out from the small partition separating our dress stations, and he clucked his tongue at me, and just pointed.

 **KacieDevaughn:** You ever beat your boyfriend in Skee Ball and he goes on to cry about it for several hours? That’s my Friday. smh.

 **“You tweet for yourself, right?”** Yunzi asked as I skimmed my timeline, and I looked up to lock eyes with her.

I had almost forgot about her, having lost her when the interview had taken a pause, and we got deep into our Skee Ball competition. She smiled at me and I smiled back as I looked at her, and pulled out my second outfit change from the rack. I wanted to change in the midst of this for alternative takes, but I had so much to choose from that I wasn’t sure what the fuck I wanted to put on anymore. I looked at the Ola inspired outfit a few times as I moved between it, and a catholic schoolgirl style skirt, which made me hum softly.

Nah. That boy would lose his shit if I put this short skirt on, and he had to be all up behind me, trying to skate. I could just see him now, trying to plan where we could go, so I could sit on his dick, thanks to the outfit choice. I shifted on my toes as I turned back to Yunzi with a smile.

 **“Yeah,”** I nodded at her.

More and more people had walked in and out of the small dressing room, and I noticed they had started looking at me they stopped admiring the space _Complex_ had snagged for us. I had lingered at the rack for  I grabbed the couple of outfits that caught my eye, and laughed loudly as I saw a plethora of neon and gaudiness, and shook my head.

 **“Ju, you wildin’ with the neon, B. You know how I feel about looking like a highlighter. Neon greens and yellows only. Everything else is not for the kid.”** I called out, hearing him reply with, **“Noted!”** in return.

I turned back to Yunzi with a frown as I held up a neon orange crop top up against my chest, and shrugged my shoulders at it as I put it back on the rack.

 **“I’m definitely never going to have a social media manager ever tweet for me again. They tweet for the official** **_Used To It_ ** **page, and the writers account, but not for my personal page. I’ve been around long enough to see how people can fuck up their own social media outlook, but I won’t be one of those.”** I shook my head, recalling how there was a whole time in which all Chris did was tweet and delete, and Mike was good for accidentally uploading some shit to only snatch it down seconds later.

The most you’d get out of me was drunk tweets. I was good for drunk tweeting, but I never told _everything,_ and even if I did, I was still a slick ass drunk too. It’d be wrapped up in so many double entendres and nicknames that you’d never know what was going on. I was good for going hard when I was mad too, and that was something I also learned not to put out there as I got older. I was actually a lil’ fucked up when I had deleted my Kacestopher account. I was getting my first real hit of pregnancy hormones and was livid that day.

Actually no, I was more than livid. I was extremely pissed the fuck off, I was hot, I wanted to fuck up everything I could get my hands on that day. I was gone when I got to breaking shit, and taking shit out of the spot in The Hills, and my last tweet on that motherfucker had been immortalized because it was shady, and I was often reminded of that. I think there were even t-shirts and shit that said, **“girl, fuck him, and this account.”** out there.

It definitely popped up in my mentions on occasion, and I always laughed at it.

 **“Screenshots is what’ll really get you caught up, but sometimes, you can snag a job if you know how to work the shit right.”** I told her, and she smiled.

When I had taken my actual social media hiatus before hopping back on as _KacieDevaughn_ and starting all over, I made sure not to drunk tweet, or tweet _shit_ in anger back then. It hadn’t been that long of a hiatus, but it was long enough for the birth of Instagram Gossip accounts, and they _kept_ a screenshot of someone’s fuckery. It wasn’t going to be a thing for ya girl, and wasn’t until… I wanna say, when me and Donald first started playing around with the idea of me being on _Atlanta_.

 **“Ah, like you taking the leap to getting on Atlanta, finally? You scored that through tweets, right?”** She asked, and I nodded.

Me and Don had hit a bump in our friendship back then. Honestly, he’d been mad as fuck when I told him I was pregnant with Chris’ kid, and after he hung back and saw how that whole situation had spiraled out, he took it a bit harder than I thought he would. Once he realized that he wasn’t in a position to really shoot his shot because of how I had decided to move in terms of doing anything with _anyone,_ we had to work our way through fixing the status of our friendship, and business relationship. We were just too caught up in our emotions, and that shit threw me off back then, because I didn’t even think my impact would be as major as it was.

I severely doubt myself, at times. This was definitely one of them.

His emotions were fucked up though, he poured himself into Jhene for a brief moment, and I was cool. Whatever. I was doing me, and I understood that, and me, in that magnitude at the moment, wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with him anyway, so we just kinda _were._

Honestly, that’s how I ended up in a situationship with him anyway, and it pushed him into being just as equally unable to be understood as we worked on _Supposed To Be,_ and tried to act like it was just work shit keeping us apart. It wasn’t. My daughter wasn’t even a newborn by then, she was old enough to know who he was, called him _Don Don_ and some more shit. I rolled my eyes at the memory of how stupid he acted back then, and pushed him out of my head completely.

 **“Jesus Christ,”** I groaned, trying to swallow the visceral memories that were tied to that moment back down.

I remember me being drunk one night while we were trying to fix our friendship, and he wasn’t around, but I wanted to let him know that I wanted in on _Atlanta_. I could have been in from the jump, but I was doing too much to commit to the role he had wrote out and eventually gave to Zazie. It would have raised too many damned eyebrows if we were playing lovers on more than one show though, so for that, I was glad - even though I fucked around and ended up doing it anyway. He wasn’t picking up the phone for me, and I knew his girl was to blame for that, so I gave him the space he so reluctantly requested. I was really by myself, curled up in my bed with baby Les, and live tweeting with the rest of my timeline during ‘The Club’ episode.

I was critiquing the characters, their flaws, and talking shit, and constantly saying how I wanted a job, and he should give me one. He already knew how I’d move, ‘cause once, not if, but once I was on screen, I’d beat Van’s ass and Earn would be good, and so much nonsensical, drunk shit talking that I was surprised he had taken seriously.

With a more sober mind, I had reformatted my tweets into a serious email, and ended up pitching the idea for real, and he promised he’d figure out how to introduce it into the world he created.

Those tweets were everywhere, and started a spiral. Don didn’t tweet as much, but it wasn’t surprising that when he did, until we figured something out, he always made sure to shoot me a, **“hi, @kaciedevaughn, I’m still trying to find a spot for you...”** tweet, which made me giggle.

By the time we had linked up again, I recalled how he told me it was going to be a _minute_ before he started on the next season, which was fine. We wouldn’t have any shortage of time together since _Used To It_ was about to shift into production mode at that time, but I had also told him I’d move to Atlanta whenever he came back. It just so happened that shooting for Black Panther had required Mike to move to Atlanta too, and that’s where the three of us were for a while, in the same compound, making for some very interesting nights in for the last two years.

The streets only got a glimpse of that, and, I was grateful.

 **“Yeah. I don’t really…”** I knew my face was scrunching up as Yunzi glanced at me sympathetically, and I shook my head.

 **“I don’t really get caught up in shit like everyone else does anymore. The people were lucky to see me throw a pitch out into thin air like that and see it actually materialize into the next season like that, but why wouldn’t he cast me?”** I waved the idea off, and sighed softly as my mind started racing.

Fuck. Just the thought of Donald at the moment, and how I was being chicken shit and literally avoiding him really wasn’t making me feel any better about how I was leaving him to linger. I ain’t even want to go into that set of thoughts, and swallowed hard at it again.

I wasn’t going to let her reroute me though, and she noticed that.

**“So, no live-tweeting from you for season premiere for season three after it drops?”**

**“I might, I might not. I do want to be more involved in capturing the social reaction of the work I put out, just ‘cause it’s so personally aligned with shit I really went through. I like seeing the shit that spirals out from it, the conversations started, the way it jogs memories for others who were there for the actual shit, the thinkpieces, the opinions, the campaigns, the challenges, all of that shit.”** I smiled, and Yunzi nodded.

I stretched the tension out of my shoulders and cursed softly as I snatched up another water bottle, and looked around, wondering where Baby went. I didn’t want to push that the subject get changed, but I definitely didn’t want her to reroute back to _Atlanta_ again, either.

**“I plan on like really unplugging this summer. People don’t do that anymore, and if I wanted to put some shit out myself, I could plug back in for a minute, and shut that shit right back down. I’ll probably resurface at some point during the summer, but that’s also my vacation time, so ion’ really be too tuned into the timeline for real, let alone broadcasting my ideas to get on someone’s set. I usually hit ‘em up directly now.”**

**“There are still a lot of things you don’t broadcast. So, the last couple of weeks have been revealing to people who don’t really know the ins and outs of your varying relationships. I’m surprised as hell that we’re getting all of this new Kacestopher behavior myself, really.”** Yunzi admitted, and I shrugged my shoulders softly.

 **“All they got was a glimpse, and all they’re still getting is… well, just a glimpse.”** I laughed, and she did too, and I shook my head.

 **“I was wildin’ last night and a few days ago, but going forward, I feel like they’ll get a lil’ bit more to chew on, but after that, I’m going underground.”** I told her, without explicitly mentioning the snapchat and instagram live sessions that were floating around now, adding a little more context to the ‘Kacestopher Jordan’ hashtag.

 **“Do you think the way social media takes things and runs with it like it tends to do really shapes someone’s summer going forth like that? People are already concocting ideas of how you’re going to spend yours.”** Yunzi put her degree to use for a minute and made me sit back and shrug as I thought about it.

 **“People take social interactions like they would any other interaction, y’know, they build up their own opinion from the little things said. I haven’t officially tweeted Chris yet, and he doesn’t even tweet for himself anymore. If I did though and he took his account back, it would be like 2010 all over again. That’s with anything though, but with me being able to say what I want to because it’s really me, I have some transparency in the matter. Whatever is put out there by my own doing is always going to be something I’ll own up to.”** I told her, and she nodded.

 **“But, I’ve learned a lot within my time caught up in the way social media works. I’m never going to put** **_everything_ ** **out there. I feel… I’m in control of the shit getting out now. Earlier in the month when we did hang out together at Jayceon’s house, he was quick as fuck to get the ball rolling from the events of the party and attempt to out us, running off of that same steam. I could have gotten pissed off about it, but, shit, it was bound to happen eventually. People just want to be in on what you’re doing and what’s hot, and that shit kinda just spirals out sometimes.”** I shrugged, and she nodded.

 **“Sometimes, it’s like people ain’t got shit else to do. Once that shit started, the ball started rolling and hasn’t stopped yet. I don’t even fuck with the tags anymore man,”** I admitted, and she shook her head.

 **“Especially with the way the summer be crackin’, people don’t have shit to do but sit up and track your every move and analyze the hell out of your tweets and posts. That’s a job within itself, so when people sit up and do that, I make sure they have to really do their homework if they’re going to analyze some shit I’ve put out there on my own.”** I shook my head and threw my constantly buzzing phone, letting it fall wherever it landed, and sighed softly.

**“You can use the way shit is shared and gets out there now to your advantage, or you can let it ruin you. It’s up to you. But, I just make sure that whatever gets out there with my face behind it, it’s a true reflection of me. I’d never want anything else representing me but the truth, y’know?”**

One of the stipulations I put on myself was when I broke out, when people started looking at me as a figure, like really looking at me, I promised myself that I was going to stay true to myself. I was going to be me, unapologetically, and that was the first lesson I’d learned before this was even reality for me. Never be afraid to be you, human, because you’d be surprised at how many people can resonate within you on a real level, and that makes for better connections.

I think that’s one of the things that really saved me in the beginning as _Supposed To Be_ got out and grew legs. This was about me, some personal shit, my relationship, something the public was very curious to tap into the reality of, and I figured out a way to kill several birds with the launching of that one stone.

I shut up the bitches who wanted to make blog posts about it. I shut up the motherfuckers who wanted me to sit next to them on their couches and talk about it. I shut up the hoes who thought they knew what was going on, and I definitely silenced those who thought they could tell my business from the little glimpses they were able to get, better than I could. I turned down book deals, storyline inspirations, and a bunch of other shit.

I was very firm in pushing the reminder there would be no characters _inspired_ by Kacie and Christopher unless I was doing the shit on my own. When it all boiled down to it, I was doing this for _me,_ really, to show everyone that at the end of the day, we’re just normal ass people. I wasn’t doing this for the ‘black experience’, I wasn’t doing this for nosey ass stans, or nothing like that. I did that because I could control that. And, I was going to go nuts if I didn’t distract myself good enough to stop trying to convince myself to go the fuck back to him.

 **“It’s easier when it’s something you know you’ve put out there, even if you don’t explain it. Like this,”** I grabbed my phone from it’s abandoned spot on the lounger and opened my Instagram app, showing her my sparingly updated feed.

Prior to the Skee Ball score shot, the last photo I had uploaded was a few hours ago. Before that, they hadn’t gotten shit out of me other than going live two or three times since Chris sat on the other side of the table from me at Bossa Nova. Notifications popped up on the screen, notifying me that I’d been mentioned in someone’s post, and I sighed. There had been two ‘kaciereplies’ accounts started within the last month, in which someone tracked, screenshot, and reposted all of my instagram comments, and that was weird, but I’d seen it before and just let it rock like I did every other lil’ fan account I’d come across.

I swiped it away to show Yunzi what I was previously trying to get at. Last night, I’d had my own version of early 2000s realness to post, and I did. I even over exaggerated with all of the flourishes as the caption of me and Chris, posing in a prom pose with our Sixers gear on. Then, I had gone back in and updated it with the outfit change for another perspective. He had picked me up in wedding pose because he did not want to put me down because the floor was wet. It made absolutely zero sense but by then, the both of us had gone back to drinking, and he was drunk as hell. I was drunk too, and Barry shook his head the entire time as he recorded Chris’ antics, and funny enough, it only made me more comfortable.

 **“This is… about, what, seven or eight hours old, and has one hundred, forty-eight thousand, eight hundred thirty-four likes, and almost three thousand comments, and I swear it’s still doing numbers. However, this isn’t even my final form.”** I shook my head gently.

That post had gone up right before I stopped getting in on the exposure of the party, so they couldn’t do shit _but_ make a tag about it. I had stop spoon feeding them, and they had to get their fix from somewhere else, which only made them search harder. Third Shift Twitter had the best ways of doing it, because they could sit on accounts and just wait for the updates, and by the time everyone else woke up, they’d be good and ready to be informed with multiple angles, comments, screenshots, and all that, and I knew I had more of that to look forward to as long as I was in LA.

 **“And, they’re wilding with this Kacestopher Jordan shit, but I get it….”** I laughed softly as I tucked my phone back into my pocket, and watched the set up around me start to transform into another scene.

 **“I don’t even want to begin to unpack that.”** I insisted, and she merely nodded.

I pushed my way into another set up, rolling off of caffeine energy. The first set had been fun, and even though I was actively being interviewed, I wanted everything to just keep rolling as it was. I liked playing games with him, and I knew skating was going to be just as competitive.

We watched the space start to get filled with extras, and I had noticed that I was a little more closed in and privately placed than we had been when I first got here, and it pushed me into a different mode. Everyone was so excited to see us together, it was making me hype. I had forgotten what that felt like, to be honest. Me and Mike were often left to chill and mind our business, but they always turned up when they saw Chris, so that was the energy I was working off of.

 **“I think this is the part where my nerves stop bothering me and I just push straight into the interview related shit before I start having too much fun,”** I swallowed softly as I looked directly at Yunzi and shook my head softly.

 **“Because if I don’t, this interview is gonna sound like some bullshit. All I’ve been doing is being partially serious, but c’mon, I know you have questions.”** I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

 **“Keeping it real though, this is more laid back than I anticipated it to be. So, I appreciate you for just letting me play dress up and talk shit, ‘cause this is all this really is anyway. Because I am tired as fuck, and I’m definitely going home and going to sleep after this is done.”** I shook my head softly and shrugged my shoulders as I watched Yunzi’s brown eyes travel behind my line of vision, and I knew that meant Chris was coming back.

She smiled at him as he sat next to me on the lounger I had grabbed, and pulled me into his side. He was over losing at Skee Ball, but the bet was definitely still on. He kissed my lips softly as I cursed and pulled my phone back up, checking to see if he had ruined the perfectly set lipstick I had on.

 **“Oh, that’s why it’s been so quiet? You went to get food? Baby, where’s my donut at?”** I asked, as he stopped smiling at me, and remembered he had come armed with food.

 **“Shit. You distracted me, babe. Fine ass, Cry Baby ass.”** He winked at me, and I rolled my eyes as I inched up, and tried to get into the food in his grasp.

 **“Okay so, I did get you a donut, ‘cause you weren’t gonna fight me. You’re lucky to be stuck with the very last chocolate cake donut, and I got you a sour cream cake one too. The milk choices suck though.”** He hummed as he passed me the last donut, and I perked up.

It was going to take a minute before I burned off all of this damned sugar anyway, so I welcomed it. I broke the chocolate donut in half after observing it, and frowned at my presented milk choices: Soy or Almond. I grabbed the soy milk with a slight eye roll, and the two of them watched me as finished both of the donuts, and I flattened the small purple carton within seconds, and leaned back against the lounge again.

 **“Oh, you’re funny as hell if you thought I’m gonna eat all daintily and whatnot. I highkey wanna go get some quesadillas after this, so let me know if y’all are game. I know this dope cart in Echo Park.”** I wound up my hands in suggestion as the two of them laughed at me, and I wiped my hands and the corners of my mouth off as I turned back to Yunzi and smiled widely, showing my teeth.

 **“I apologize at all if I’m loopy, not paying attention, or being distracted by that one.”** I think I was apologizing for the third time since I sat down. She just smiled.

 **“I’m running off of like… what… four, five hours of sleep total since we got in this morning?”** I side-eyed Chris, who tilted his head as he thought about it, and nodded.

 **“Ain’t nobody tell you keep us out in the streets all night,”** He insisted as I waved him off.

 **“And, ain’t nobody tell** **_you_ ** **to find such a bomb ass party to have us in the streets all night for. I’m not finna do this with you, shut up. You owe me a nap. You owe me some serious spooning. No forking.”** I cuddled up next to him a little better than I had, and he laughed at my whining.

In order to shut me up, I’m sure of it, he broke me a piece of his donut and fed it to me. I pulled back and looked down at it, and chuckled. That shit was _good,_ and it did just what he wanted it to. Shut me up, just for a second.

 **“No forking, huh? Mm.”** He smiled at me as I held my hand up, and swallowed the piece of the donut.

**“Oh, you liked that, huh? It’s good as fuck, aint it?”**

**“No forking, and yes, so lemme have another piece, or shut up,”** I pushed his head away from my ear as he wrapped his other arm around me, and saddled me back into the V of his open legs, where I guess I was about to spend the rest of this interview.

 **“How’d you find a strawberry cheesecake donut? That’s some fat boy shit forreal.”** I smiled at him, and he stuck his chin up, silently not telling me anything.

 **“But, it was good, so, can you give me another piece or…”** I blinked owlishly, waiting for him to give me what I wanted.

 **“I licked it.”** He insisted, holding it away from me. I rolled my eyes as I got comfortable between his legs, and shrugged my shoulders at him.

 **“Like I don’t lick you and put you in my mouth still, boy, gimme a piece.”** I whispered, and he tilted his head back, and said nothing. I laughed at his reaction and stuck my neck out, anticipating another piece.

He pushed his head into the expanse of my shoulder and stifled his laughter, and I muttered after I ate the donut he’d broken in half for me. He pulled back from my shoulder and kissed my cheek again, and I felt another blush creep up on my cheeks as he did. He squeezed me a little bit and I sighed softly, and tried to encourage Yunzi to start some dialogue, and stop watching us so closely, but it wasn’t coming out like I wanted it to.

We were all sitting in a bubble, and she had only remembered what she was doing when he tried  to kiss the side of my face again, and I threatened to get up and go sit somewhere else if he wasn’t going to act right.

 **“How am I supposed to get through this if you’re tryna eat my cheek off, Chris? Huh Baby? Stop.”** I had scooted to the end of the lounger, and was anticipating getting up as he pouted behind me and threw his hands up.

 **“I’m sorry, I just… man, you know. I’m excited.”** He apologized softly, and I leaned back into him, and let him throw his arms around me again.

 **“I’m trapping you under me, then. ‘Cause… you’re a distraction. How you’re still a distraction after almost twelve years, I have no idea.”** I clicked my tongue as I tried to throw my weight around, and tried to trap his legs underneath mine. Instead, he ended up balancing me on his knees, and I’ll be damned if he didn’t try to start making me bounce and ride his knees, which made me laugh as I gripped the lounger with my hands.

 **“Oh My God, I’m finna move!”** I laughed as he rocked me from side to side like I was a lil’ kid, and he shook all giggles out of me until he pulled me apart.

 **“But, you’re not nervous anymore, right? You good?”** He winked at me as I stood up, and I circled around the lounger, and nodded. I pressed my head into the crook of his neck and kissed him there gently before wrapping my hands around his chest, and looking at Yunzi expectantly.

 **“I swear you’re gonna make me pull you out of here. I can’t pull you out of every place we go into, you know that right?”** I whispered, and he laughed, and kissed my temple as I pulled away again.

 **“I saw TMZ on your head about… all of this. Is this what your summer’s going to be like?”** She asked, and I gave her a soft shrug, and threw my hands up. My watch alerted me to an incoming text, and it was just Mike, telling me he was up again.

 **“Ugh, yeah. I’m like seventy five percent done on working out all of the kinks to make sure that it is. I’m not even gon’ front. Initially, this was supposed to be like the rest of my summers before this one. I’m pretty routine in a lot of ways.”** I explained as I looked around, watching my photoshoot setup in progress.

 **Mike** | I love you. We’ll catch up when you come back home. See you Monday.

 **“She can’t do shit without structure,”** Baby revealed, and I rolled my eyes softly.

 **“I’m** **_routine,_ ** **okay?”** For some reason, my nerves had kicked back in. I swayed around, remembering how good I was on skates, and did a couple of loops around the rug that the lounger sat upon.

 **“Nah, but, I kick the summer off tying up business. I give myself May to June to make sure whatever I need to do before the summer starts is handled, so I can give myself some time off. Then, June comes around and I spend some time playing house, y’know, just… being Mommy, and not so much Kacie, or Johnnie, or Giana, or hell, even Luciana.”** I rattled off roles, and watched her smirk as I reminded her of the small story arc I had in season two of _Queen Sugar_ , for like three episodes, just to test my developing skills.

 **“I’ll kick the summer off for real in my Dad’s hometown of Virginia Beach while I go get my daughter from my Dad’s spot, and we’ll take a family vacation together, depending on what she wants to do before she spends time with another family member. Last summer, she had just turned five, and you know what the hell we spent the whole time doing?”** I started practicing a backwards glide, but also made sure to focus on what was going on around me too.

My eyes narrowed as I watched Chris get up, and look around for a second, and spotted something. He took his shoes off and walked away from the lounger, but winked at me as he did. I shook my head, wondering what he was up to, and stopped my backwards gliding to plop back down on the lounger, continuing my story.

 **“She wanted to see every movie she could think of, and that’s a lot of movies. We went to a couple of premieres, like** **_Captain Underpants_ ** **,** **_Cars 3_ ** **, and** **_Despicable Me 3_ ** **, but that one was really more for me because I think I was just as hype as she was about it. We went to the opening of** **_Valerian_ ** **because she wanted to dress up like an alien, so of course, so did I, and we also went through a whole** **_Emoji Movie_ ** **phase too. And, of course, we were going to see** **_Spiderman: Homecoming_ ** **a good eight times. She loves Tom Holland, and so do I.”**

Yunzi’s eyes left mine only briefly to go to her iPad, and do some googling. I chuckled as she landed on a Kacie fansite, and pulled up photos in a ‘red carpet’ tag, showing me and Celeste on what she had deemed our ‘Red Carpet Movie Summer Marathon’.

 **“This doesn’t creep you out?”** She asked, and I shook my head no.

They’re mostly harmless. I also make sure to hit them up and be very explicit about them attempting to over expose my daughter. I don’t play that shit. I’m quick to get a fanpage deleted and suspended for Celeste. I don’t play that shit at all, but outside of that, which they pretty much know not to fuckin’ try, the lil’ fansites are cool.

 **“Nah. They know what I tolerate and the quickest way to get an account suspended too. Other than that, they just want to be a part of the experience. I’m private in a sense to where they won’t get everything, you know? So, until it ever becomes a time in which they do too much, I always call them out on that, too. Probably gonna be doing a lot of that this summer, but, that’s only if I force the urge to really care that much. I do my own damage control for the most part.”** I explained as we pushed in closer and clicked through the posts, which made memories surge back through me that made me smile.

I missed Celeste, but wasn’t going to call her back - not yet anyway, ‘cause all it was going to do was going to make me want to be there more. Seeing us together on a tiny screen does make my heart tug a little bit though, and I ended up texting her anyway, asking her to send me a selfie.

 **“So, Celeste’s into movies too, huh?”** Yunzi prodded lightly, and I smiled.

Not even seconds later does a selfie come back in return, with her sitting between Miguela’s legs, and it looks like she’s doing her hair. I smiled at it, wondering what she was doing to it exactly, but didn’t prod.

 **Celeste** | Momma, google Miguela how do you spell petal? l o c loc petals. Momma, Miguela is doing loc petals for me!!!!!!!

I laughed, knowing she was using talk to text to text me. I looked up loc petals as I pressed my lips together, and seconds later, a youtube link came in. I sat it down as I smiled back up at Yunzi, and nodded.

 **“My bad. I miss her…”** I sent Miguela an audio message instead, telling her to make sure to send me a finished photo, and smiled as I looked back up at Yunzi.

**“But, yeah, she definitely is. She loves a good movie. It wasn’t even limited to the red carpet experience though, which she fell in love with a long time ago. When we weren’t out and about and were sitting down, we were still in movie marathon mode. And she’s extra too, so, it wasn’t like, just getting a bowl of popcorn and sitting in front of the TV. No, we had to build forts, take it outside, see if we can project it on the roof… just, a lot. And I did it, because she wanted to. I actually had a lot of fun doing it too, ‘cause it reminded me of something I used to do with Chris.”**

I’ve mentioned Celeste before, but never her and Chris together explicitly for any reason. It’s funny to watch everyone really perk up when I do, because of how I barely expose her to things going on in the entertainment world.

 **“She’s a normal kid. I’m sure once we end up back in Brooklyn she’ll be begging me to go get Egypt, her best friend, and we’ll be on our way to a screening of something, or manoeuvring onto a set.”** I shook my head at the thought, knowing that we would.

**“Other than that, she’s selective with her company, tends to stick to older kids, and just… does what she wants to. I let her experience and be free, and the summer is the time for us to make good memories together.”**

Hanging out with my kid is an experience and an honor, and I’ve ingrained that in her. I’ve also taught her early on to be picky, and be unapologetic for it. Treat your presence as an honor, because there are people want to be around you solely because of who you know and what you’re into. Some might say they don’t care, but you’ll learn as you grow older than a lot of them do. And, they’ll become assholes who’ll try and exploit you for that, or just use you overall. I’ll definitely let her know when to cut them off before she could even see it coming.

We do red carpets if she wants to. She pops in on a photoshoot or a video shoot if she wants to. She decides to endorse something, probably for just a week or so, maybe, and she’ll hop into a commercial, maybe, but only if _she_ wants to. She knows that all she has to do is bring it up to me, we’ll discuss it, I’ll tell her how things will go, and she’ll decide if she wants to put in the work to actually execute it, and that’s with anything.

 **“Sometimes, I feel a lil’ shitty about it, ‘cause it was the same way for me as a kid, hopping here, hopping there, but the difference between me and her is that she fuckin’ loves it. I hated it when I was little, even though I was having a lot of fun and doing a lot of things, sometimes I just wanted to sit down and be with my family, but I balance that time out for sure.”** I explained, watching Yunzi nod at me.

 **“The summer is really the time for me to do that, ‘cause as busy as I am, I feel like I need a little bit of time to actually I do as I please, really. I don’t need much time, but I make it if I need to. By the time August rolls around, I’m back on a set and she’s back in school. This summer might be different, though.”** I chuckled as I watched Chris glide, not walk back over to us, but glide back, and look down at me.

I looked up at him, stifled a laugh, and shook my head at him. He stuck his hand out, and winked at me as he lifted me up to my feet again, and I exhaled softly as I smiled, and just looked at him.

 **“We’re ready to get back to shooting. Hope you’re ready for this,”** What was supposed to be a solo shoot had turned into a couple shoot as soon as he got dressed by Julian, but I wasn’t fighting it.

He had a pair of skates on, and I looked down at his feet, and back up at him as I whined softly, knowing he was about to put me through the motions. I slapped my hands against his chest and he wrapped his hands around my waist, and kissed me softly. 

**“I have OG Big Baby behind me, about to shake shit up, but that’s cool. I know he’s going to make the summer memorable,”** I smiled as he laughed behind me.

 **“Maybe.”** He steadied on his feet, and chuckled at me. I rolled my eyes softly.

 **“Boy, don’t play with me,”** I blushed as he squeezed me again, and he positioned his arms, locking them around my waist.

 **“I still can’t believe this is like, really.. really happening. How do you so easily just resume things like this? This isn’t the first time you’ve been able to pop up on someone, and it felt right, has it?”** Yunzi inquired, and I shook my head softly.

**“Not at all.”**

**“I’m the only one that matters though, don't let her leave that out.”** Chris insisted as I smacked his hands off of my waist, and he chuckled as he walked towards the rink.

**“Don’t let her bullshit you. We’re it for each other.”**

**“Man, whateverrrrr,”** I teased him as he looked back at me, and threw his hands up on a shrug as he skated away from us.

 **“Hey, you should put on some skates. I’m not going out there with him by myself,”** I laughed, and watched her shake her head softly.

 **“I couldn’t.”** She laughed like she was trying to stay out of the middle of us, and I shook my head back at her, and pleaded silently.

**“You can, you will, you shall. Please? What size do you wear? What’s your favorite color? I’ll go get you a pair right now.”**

**“She’s hard to say no to.”** Chris chimed in during his laps as I got off of the railing, trying to figure out how to make it over to get her a pair. Yunzi looked at me and I smiled at her, waiting patiently.

Chris came by again and blew a kiss at me as he started doing tricks, and I gave him the finger as he opened his mouth in fake shock as he pretended to tuck it in his pocket and patted it for safekeeping. This dude...

 **“Green. Size eight.”** She revealed as she stood up, and followed me over to the booth.

I leaned against it as the few members of the staff that were working looked at me, and I winked at the boy who was working as he looked up at me, and I pointed to the pair of size eight green skates which were right in front.

**“Ayo, can I get those size eight green joints you got in the front? Thank you, love.”**

**“Booya!”** I stuck my tongue out as I presented them to Yunzi, and she sat down, as I did next to her.

We both picked our heads up as the sound of _Dapper_ by Domo Genesis playing through the speakers, and I chuckled. It was reminding me of Billie’s birthday, and I had a lot of fun for that. We had a lot of fun for that. Baby was skating backwards and rolling slow, and he knew I was watching him. I blew a kiss back at him and smirked at him, knowing this shit was inevitable.

 **“Baby, c’mere!”** He licked his lips and motioned for me to come his way, and I bit my lip at the sight.

 **“If you don’t come and get your ass out here on this floor with me riiiiiiight fuckin’ now… I just might eat your cheek off.”** Chris insisted as I tilted my head to the side, and eyed him curiously.

 **“Asscheek or face cheek?”** I inquired, and he grunted softly.

 **“Both.”** He shrugged lazily, and I tilted my head again, knowing he wasn’t lying.

 **“Off the record, this is absolutely still a thing, huh?”** Yunzi wanted confirmation. All I could do was nod.

 **“I tend to make memorable impressions on everyone. He’s… different. Very cliche of me, but he is. He’s definitely, absolutely, not everyone though. He’s not like anyone else. None of the other men. I can’t put them in the same box. It definitely feels right to have him here though, and I mean, I literally do what I want, which includes flipping the switch back to on for all of this.”** I shrugged.

 **“I don’t think we’ve even touched shit that you were supposed to ask me.”** I laughed softly, and she smiled at me.

I hated the kind of interviews where I got too comfortable and damned near forgot what was going on, and this was one of them. Yunzi felt comforting, familiar, like a good friend, and I appreciated that. She smiled at me and shook her head as she pulled out a piece of paper she’d dug out of her pocket, and flattened it out over her thigh.

 **“Don’t laugh. I disarmed you, and didn’t mean to. But, we can make this very technical and boring if you want, or we can keep it rolling like it is. I’ll edit this however you need me to.”** She explained as she held the paper up, and I chuckled.

 **“I know you don’t like addressing the relationship shit. I did my homework. I know you’re not too inclined to start addressing anything that you’re doing until you’re ready to talk, either, so if there’s anything you want cut, I definitely will do that for you.”** She was setting the floor, and I was about to promenade all over it.

 **“Nah,”** I smiled softly, and looked up at her.

 **“Nah?”** She finished lacing up the skates and stood, and I sighed softly as I watched Chris skate in circles.

 **“It’s okay. I mean… I appreciate you even suggesting that you’ll let me in on your edits, but for some reason, I feel like you’d do me justice. I can’t get my own damned words out into paper or anything other than actions right now, so, I appreciate it. It wasn’t even supposed to go like this, and I know if we would had gone through with it the other day, it would have been an entirely different kind of interview.”** I told her, and she nodded knowingly.

**“I know people are talking. People have been talking since he walked up on me at The Parlor, Complex included. If my summer had to have any title, it’d be the summer of firsts.”**

**“This is my first love right here. He was the first, of like, first of several firsts. First love, the first boy to get me put on punishment for running away with him, first person I ever had sex with, the first person to really, truly show me the world, and just.. uplift, really uplift seventeen year old me, who thought she was so fuckin’ mature for her age and just knew everything… all him. That first summer in New York together baby, that set the stage.”** I watched her pause, push her recorder up in her pocket, and smile back at me as we approached the rink together.

 **“My summers were hella easier back then. He came into my life on June 6th, ‘06, and since then, it’s been Kacestopher before we even called it that. Chris is just… everything to me. He is my summer, really.”** I smiled, and he winked at me as he caught up with us, and immediately grabbed my hand.

**“Ooh, you want nachos with all of that cheese, babe?”**

**“Shut up,”** I blushed, trying to stop smiling as I looked between him and Yunzi.

 **“He’s the first one I ever had to really convince not just myself, but my definitely my daddy, cause you know daddy’s be tripping, that this shit was real. That he really loves me, and he's not just saying it. He was the first dude that I was ready to square up with my brothers with, ‘cause they just knew he was gon’ fuck me over, but… hey. We’re still here and I’m looking forward to a lot more firsts, if he’ll let me be a part of them.”** I looked at him, and he nodded.

We watched the photographers set up, and I smiled as we started doing a couple of laps, and his hand locked in mine.

 **“Since you’re so set on firsts, don’t forget to mention that you’re my First Baby Momma.”** He stage whispered next to me, and I sighed softly.

We skated apart a little bit, and I shook my head as he linked his arm into mine, not letting me get away like I wanted to. You know how someone says something that catches you off guard, and you immediately get offended about it? That was me.

 **“Don’t call me your fuckin’ Baby Momma.”** I spat, watching him suck his teeth at me.

I glared at him, tried to extinguish the temporary hurt in my eyes, and sucked my teeth right back at him. We were not about to cheapen that situation; and, honestly, we hadn’t even talked about that, but I knew this wasn’t the time or place.

 **“It was a joke. I never called you that before to anyone. You’ve always just been who you are, which goes without saying.”** He tried to untangle our arms, but I pulled myself closer to him and locked myself against him.

 **“Call me what I am, which is The Mother of your first child. Shit, go back to calling me your Wife. Keep further jinxing yourself. But, we’re not painting our situation like that.”** I corrected him as he nodded, and I gently turned towards him as we untangled a little bit, and stopped whispering to each other.

Yunzi just eyeballed him as she skated ahead of us.

 **“So, shit, if that’s the case, don’t call me your baby daddy, then.”** He retorted, and I rolled my eyes.

 **“I don’t, and you know I don’t. You’re her daddy, always have been, always will be. When have I not addressed you by your name, or Baby? Don’t play with me. The only other thing that’ll be acceptable comin’ outta my mouth to throw on your ass as a label is my husband. Stop being a fuckin’ baby. You know how I get about labels though, so just give me that.”** I explained as he nodded, and stopped us from doing simple laps by crossing our arms again, and turning us in the other direction.

 **“Okay, crazy ass, squirrel ass girl.”** He pulled us into a smooth, backwards glide, and I rolled my eyes at him as he wrapped his arms around my waist, and locked me into his side.

 **“Shut the fuck up, ole banana boat headass boy.”** I rolled my eyes again as he laughed and stuck his hands out for me to grab, and he pulled me close to him with a tug that made me gasp.

 **“Who you talking all this shit to?”** We started gliding forward again and he kissed me softly, and made me spin a little.

**“You!”**

**“I’ma let you have this attitude you have with me, ‘cause I know deep down you just wanna go to sleep.”** He said, and I waved him off.

 **“Remember that time we went skating and you let me swing you around like this?”** He grabbed his hands and I let him drag me a little, and laughed when he picked me up from the ground and spun me in a circle.

 **“Yes! And you’re showing the fuck off, so put me down!”** I cried once I was off of the ground again, and he spun me around, making me close my eyes tightly.

 **“Baaaaaaabe, please put me down…”** I laughed as he set me back on my feet, and swung me around again until I came back on my own two feet and skated circles around him.

 **“Make it a couples only skate!”** Someone yelled from the sidelines, and I laughed as I noticed more and more people had joined us skating, and the photos were still coming from all angles.

Some old school R&B started playing, and we were soon twirling and sliding to _Sara Smile_ from Hall & Oates, and he winked at me as we kept skating next to each other. The playlist was booming and until there was a certain spot I was meant to slide up to in order for the photographer to catch her intended shot, I almost forgot where we were.

I threw my hands up in excitement as the opening chords to _Wanna Be Startin Somethin’_ played and I spun around backwards, and I was stopped for a costume change.

 **“I almost forgot where we were. Please tell me I can keep skating though.”** I laughed softly as I heard Chris singing loudly as he walked into the other side of the dressing room and stuck his hands out as he sang _Baby Be Mine_ to me.

I was reminded of the second shoot, and smiled, a little anxious to get back out there and lose myself temporarily in the rink. I lost a couple of inches as I got out of the skates, and he pressed me against his chest and squeezed me off of the floor to kiss me hard.

 **“Girl, you got to hooooooold me,”** He pressed me against his chest and rocked me like he’d done a few hours prior as he kissed me through strings of the lyrics, and took his shirt off, making me cross my legs.

 **“We can touch the sky and light the darkest dayyyy…. c’mere, don’t try and run off. What’s next?”** He asked as I laughed, staring at the outfits Julian had pulled, from a real 80’s party episode in season one of _Used To It_.

 **“The concert, and it’s Prince themed. We’re going skating to finish out this second round of shots, ‘cause I have another outfit I wanna wear. But… I haven’t even touched the concert rack yet.”** I informed him as I finally did, and thumbed through the rack, which was mostly bits and pieces of costumes.

 **“Ohhhhh shit… Is this my Apollonia cape?!”** I pulled back and started jumping up and down in excitement as I saw a lot of purple lights shooting off in the background.

 **“I’m about to dress like Apollonia! Be my Prince!”** I yelled, pulling the cape out from the rack, and immediately twirled around with it.

He laughed as he shook his head, and raised his eyebrow at me.

 **“You gon’ really do the thing, Babe? Garters, and all that?”** Chris asked, and I nodded in excitement.

I saw him wink at me and I held the cape around my chest, and inhaled softly. I knew when he kept licking his lips at me and looking me over that his ass was up to something. I wasn’t sure what he was doing or what the fuck was up, but I knew I wanted two things: this footage to be extremely edited before it got out, and for him to stop looking at me like he was, ‘cause I couldn’t just snatch him up out of here like I wanted to.

God knows I wanted to, too.

 **“You know what that means? I get you in eyeliner. I’m just….”** I caught his gaze in the mirror, and inhaled softly as I looked at him.

 **“Oooh, why you looking at me like that? What’re you up to?”** I asked, and he smirked at me.

 **“I ain’t gon tell you. But, I was wondering if we can do Dwayne and Whitley for the lunch part, I think that’s next, right? All of these iconic ass couples.”** He cheesed, and threw up the double vision sunglasses he had on his face, and smiled at me.

 **“I’m surprised this hasn’t been twisted into the tale of iconic third wheels, to be honest.”** I jokingly suggested as his eyeballs rolled at me.

 **“Kacie, you’re wasting time, yo. This was supposed to be a quick change, just clothes, maybe minimal hair, maaaaybe makeup. Hurry up, I wanna finish skating to Thriller, you know we ain’t got that many tracks left, woman.”** Julian insisted, making chopping motions with his hands.

 **“Oh my God, you’re right! Okay, okay okay, okay.”** I was frazzled for a moment as I exhaled softly, and went back to the skating rack, grabbing the blue cut off animal print shorts, the matching blue jean jacket, the red tee, and the red foil holographic tinted skates.

 **“It’ll be easier for us to do the Dwayne and Whitley one first. We can go outside and grab the shoots for that because of the mural on the back parking lot, and then come back for the Prince and Apollonia shoots. I got something to show you.”** Chris revealed, and I chuckled, knowing his ass was up to something.

 **“When?”** I asked, tilting my head appropriately as my buns got taken down, and drenched in glitter.

 **“We have to get outside first.”** He insisted, and I knew that would be a minute, because we had to get back on the skates first.

I narrowed my eyes at him, and pressed my lips together as my lipstick was wiped off, and I exhaled softly as my chest started to palpitate in anticipation of whatever he was doing.

 **“This ain’t your crazy crazy plan, is it?”** I asked, and he shook his head no.

**“Not yet, but just you wait. You gon’ like it, I promise.”**

**“Oh God.”** I muttered as I stared into the mirror, stilling as my hair got handled, and wondering just what he was about to do now.


	22. breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> breathe, little girl, breathe...  
> [breathe x the cinematic orchestra]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a filler, but it's ready to go up. angst coming soon. expect some tension. i'm excited. be back wednesday.

21 | breathe

**“Baby.”** I addressed Chris as the car died, and watched him slowly loosen the grip he had on my thigh to turn towards me with his eyebrow up. 

**“Hmm?”**

I smiled at the sight of him immediately, and rolled my eyes as I had constantly been doing since the moment we met, and a sensation of warmth radiated through me. I adjusted myself in the seat and looked over at him with a smile, and shook my head. I almost forgot the epic ramble I was about to pull out of my head, and into the air of the parked car as we idled in the parking lot.

**“Is it bad that part of me wishes that we were still in bed, sleep like a motherfucker?”** I asked, although I knew this wasn’t something I could just get out of.

**“You’re overwhelmed already?”** Chris stretched his arms and pushed his chest into the steering wheel after he finished parking, and he shook his head at me.

**“I’ve kicked into my second round of post-nap energy, but whenever I go to sleep tonight, I know I’ma be sleep sleep. And by sleep, sleep, I mean, like some ugly shit. Snoring, legs thrown over you, knocked the fuck out.”** I explained as he laughed, and shook his head at me.

**“I’m still convinced if you could sleep for a month straight, you would.”** He smiled at me as I shrugged softly and sat back. 

From our position in the back of the parking lot, we were a little far off from everyone else. It was like he chose a spot perfect for us, a lil’ secluded, and already in the middle of parked cars with no other spaces close to us. I glanced at the queue of cars trying to find parking, and turned towards him with my eyebrow up as he laced our fingers together, and kissed the back of my hand.

**“You on the other hand, I’m surprised you’re not sleepy.”**

**“I’ve been rolling since yesterday, but that nap definitely helped. I had sleeping problems when I was locked up, so my sleep schedule been fucked up since. But, I know you gon’ get me right again, as soon as I get back on Kacie time.”** Chris chuckled, and I smiled at him.

**“I’ma have to put you on a sleep schedule again? Ugh, last time it ain’t work as good as you thought it did. We were only sleeping because we both crashed together. What’re you gonna do when the summer’s over and we’re not--”**

**“We’re not what?”**

I stopped talking and looked at him, tearing my gaze away from the window. Chris grunted softly as I untangled my bag from my arm and dug into it, pulling out my phone. He did not look pleased about me mentioning the possibility of us not being in the same bed or space, which prompted me to shut up, for just a second.

**“Never mind.”** I whistled, and he shook his head.

There was no sounds between us in the small cavern of the Lambo I’d picked, just us, barely breathing. I couldn’t look away from him for a second, but got distracted once I finally did, noticing a crowd unloading from a car a few spots away from us. It was mostly staff that worked with Julian in costume design, and I smiled at their closeness as I cut my eyes back to him, wondering where his head was.

**“So, what are we doing when we leave here?”** I inquired gently as he bit down on his lip, and continued to stare out into the parking lot ahead of us.

**“Shit, it’s actually going to be traffic when we leave, huh? Look at the shit you caused, Babe.”** Chris looked at me in surprise as I blushed and shook my head.

**“Nah, that’s because you’re finally here. You’re here, finally, and I’m excited about it.”** I smiled, and leaned in to kiss him softly.

This was a total difference from just a couple of days ago when we were here, because everyone was expecting something major. The ones who’d flocked to the first half of the season had been nosey as fuck, and I caught several heads turning in surprise and shock as they saw how we were together. Fast forward to a few days later, and now my whole West Coast staff was about to see what was up. The cat was out of the bag in the “ _ off topic, but….”  _ group chat, and everyone was flooding it with emoji eyes as I sank back into the seat, and swiped the notifications away.

**“I ain’t goin’ nowhere. You know that. But uh, to answer your question though, since I lost, I have an idea. I’m not gon’ spoil it for you, but just know that we’re not going home, I can tell you that.”** He smirked in my direction when I looked at him. 

He was full of excited energy, even while we both sat here, trying to avoid leaving in the rush of people, and it was hyping me up. It made me happy as hell, too. I just wanted to kiss him though, and was glad that I had the freedom to do so. I bit down on my bottom lip like he did as I reached out and caressed the side of his face, and pulled him into another gentle kiss.

**“You back on your bullshit?”** I inquired softly as we pulled apart, and he laughed.

**“Let’s just say I work fast to get what I want, aiight?”** He insisted, and I shook my head.

He’d used that line on me before. “ _ I’m working fast, I’m trying to get what I want. I’m working fast to get what I want,”  _ and any other variation of that line always let me know that he was plotting. I looked at him and scoffed gently as I sat back in the seat, and folded my arms across my chest. A sinking realization settled in as I slowly turned to look at him again. His hand was on his door, but then he moved it, and just shook his head. We were waiting for the crowd to thin out before we got out, but we’d already been spotted in the parking spot, so it didn’t matter  _ when  _ we got out, honestly. 

**“You are on bullshit…”** I gasped a little, and craned my head towards his direction again.

**“Kinda surprised that ain’t clicked for you sooner, really…”**

**“Wait, what?”** I smacked him on his arm as he smiled widely at me, and reached towards me, pushing one of my locs behind my ear. 

**“Don’t touch me. Whatchu just say?”** I started to shoot daggers at him, and he chuckled lowly. 

He was  _ not  _ slick and I wasn’t stupid damnit! I can’t believe it really  _ just  _ clicked for me, but it was better that the realization hit sooner than later. This motherfucker lost the Skee Ball rematch on  _ purpose,  _ and I had a feeling he was setting me up. I’d hit the 500 points spot a couple of times with no contest from his end. Now, I knew I was gonna have to rewatch the bits and pieces that would eventually be compiled into a Behind The Scenes thing, just to make sure I wasn’t trippin’.

**“You lost on purpose, didn’t you?”** I asked, watching the corners of his lips turn up into a smile.

**“Ion’ know what you’re talking about, Booda.”**

**“Didn’t you, ‘cause your ass is always plotting. What’re we finna do, Chris? Huh?”** I narrowed my eyes as he laughed, and unlocked the doors in lieu of a response.

**“I ain’t ruining this, so, shh.”** He insisted, and I pouted.

**“Baby, what, I can’t even be a lil’ prepared?”**

**“Don’t worry ‘bout all that. I got you, and I’m not tellin’ you shit. Just know, justtttt know…. you gon’ like every second of it.”** He opened his door as I closed my eyes softly until I heard mine open, and he guided me out. 

With his hand in mine, I broke our hand holding as I stood in front of him, and shook my head. I was being stubborn, but was also bubbling with excited, anticipatory, nervous ass energy now, and it wasn’t because of whatever we were about to walk into either. He looked at me and shook his head back at me, knowing I wasn’t listening to shit he was saying. We weren’t even verbally communicating at this point, but we were both calling each other out on our bullshit we were pulling at the moment.

**“Maaaaan….”** I sucked my teeth and side eyed him, and he laughed again. 

**“Man what? Stop smiling at me.”** He tried to come off hard, but he couldn’t even stop smiling at me in order to get his tone right. I licked my lips and shook my head at him.

**“Okay, lemme ask you this then… you finna do it tonight?”** I asked, not explicitly speaking the seven letter word, and he shook his head. 

Since I  _ knew  _ he’d end up proposing, lowkey, I was anticipating every night to be the damned night, and I knew I had to snap out of it. I looked at him, and he shook his head at me. I still needed to talk to my Daddy, now that I thought about it. Something about all of this just made my eyes roll, knowing it was all going this way for a reason on one hand, but on the other hand, this was some bullshit.

We locked eyes for a minute, and he looked at me like he was trying to pull my train of thought out of my head from my ears. I felt exposed. He knew I wanted that shit as much as he did, but there were several variables putting a halt to the whole thing. There was the matter of the timing, seeing how he was going to execute it, knowing that I was going to be anticipating the fuck out of it was going to fuck things up with my other men that I didn’t want to bring up…

And then, shit, we weren’t going to be able to explain it, but everyone should know that it was going to happen, and all of the things swirling around in my head made me shift on my toes as he smirked at me. Now, I was ready to beat him up for making me wait so long. I pushed him gently in the chest, making him step back, but he immediately wrapped his hand around my wrist, and just held it there.

**“Tonight ain’t the night, either. Stop looking at me like that, Squirrel.”** He insisted as I sucked my teeth at him.

**“Shut up, Crotch.”** I smacked him on his forehead with my free hand as we stopped staring at each other, and seconds later, he was advancing on me in fluid motion.

Out of all of the nicknames we had for each other, I  _ hated  _ ‘Squirrel’ as much as he hated when I called him ‘Crotch’, but it never stopped us from doing it. I was donned as ‘Squirrel’ back before I was a girlfriend. I earned it back when I was way too hype and way too excited about even the smallest of things, and he loved to throw that name out there when my excitement showed. I don’t think I was  _ that  _ excited, but I knew I was getting there. 

Earlier, I had been hype as fuck, and my excitement manifested itself into a variety of different behavior traits for me. I felt like I was on a long date, so I was in my box. I was in a good mood, excited, playful, my desire to talk shit was on ten, and I often forgot about the cameras, really. 

I know for a fact that the both of us were rolling off of each other’s energy, and we told Yunzi way more than we needed to. The whole interview was a real rare insight into how we’ve always been with each other. People had to experience it in person for a long assed time, and now, they were really going to be able to see that despite us having time apart in bits and pieces, we’d never stop feeling the way we felt about each other.

It was going to be a huge debate on Twitter, I already knew that. Not to mention, all of the things they never knew about me, and us, was bound to blow up once it got out there. I was already mentally pulling out lines and excerpts that would most likely be analyzed like shit, taken out of context, and copied and pasted all over as the thinkpieces and discussions built up, just because of who I was dealing with. I felt like a bird, waiting on the egg to hatch, ‘cause it was about to be  _ crazy,  _ and I had to prepare myself for it.

**“You play too fuckin’ much,”** I giggled into the air around us as he squeezed me tightly, and firmly lowered me to my feet again.

**“Shit, I need to loosen this strap on this heel.”** I complained as I stood up on my own two feet, and pressed into his chest.

He picked me up and sat me on the hood of my  _ favorite choices  _ out of his extensive Lamborghini collection, and shook his head softly. I attempted to swing my feet back and forth, but he put a stop to that and placed his hands on my knees immediately. The instant reaction made me squeeze my thighs together, which I knew he would call me out on later. I was holding my breath in anticipation as he ran his hand down my legs, and stationed his grip around my ankle, and loosened the strap on my heel. I threw my head back against the stars peppering the sky and sighed softly as I looked around again, and kept watching the parking lot fill up like it was Two Dollar Tuesday or something.

**“You spacin’ out on me and shit,”** He quipped with the same amount of spice that I had been dishing out, and I laughed. 

**“I’ma start the car back up and drive off with your ass still up here.”**

**“Boy, what the fuck ever.”** I shook my head, watching him smirk at me. I playfully bopped him in the forehead, only to get a karate chop against my shoulder, which made my smile turn up towards my eyes as I chopped him back.

**“I want the lambo to be in the next Spiderman movie. Peter Parker gotta do it for me,”** I suggested as Chris looked at me and mirrored my smile. 

**“That shit would be tight, right? You know this is my favorite lambo.”**

I would always love the OG Spiderman Gallardo Roadster joint, and he knew that. I let him get me a Hulk themed one back in ‘10, and it was one of the  _ only  _ times I let him spend a ridiculous ass amount of his money on me. I couldn’t wait to race him in it again, if he’d let me. I kept my eyes on him as he pulled me to the edge of the hood without letting me fall, and made his way between my legs.

We locked eyes and I couldn’t close mine as I looked at him. I felt like I was falling down the rabbit hole as I looked into his eyes and my hands reached up to wrap around his neck. I finally looked away, getting distracted by a car a few feet away from us, but they immediately snapped back to him as I licked my lips.

**“Why’d you put me up here, anyway? I appreciate you fixing my shoe, but watch I fuck around and end up in the background of someone’s snap or IG post.”** I inquired softly, and he shrugged his shoulder.

**“That’s definitely not something for you to worry about when you know what’s good.”** He shot back, and I shrugged softly as I thought about it - he wasn’t lying.

**“Soooo… if that’s the case, then you threw me up here for what, so that everyone could see that we’re here? Or, is it ‘cause I’m shorter than you? What are you up to?”** My eyes narrowed as I felt the need to question him, and he chuckled.

Earlier in the day, he couldn’t get too close to me without someone snapping a behind the scenes photo, or on a couple of occasions, making us pose so they could have it on their phones. There was a whole photo shoot in my phone of behind the scenes shit, and our couples dress up shenanigans from earlier, and I was feelin’ that shit for real. Knowing that I could trust the people I was with, kinda made me less worried about  _ who  _ and  _ where  _ I’d end up while I was up here, because little things were bound to happen that I knew was out of my control.

Unbeknownst to him and Mike, I was well aware of the fact that I couldn’t control  _ everything. _

So, I just relaxed. Fuck it. We locked eyes and he kept quiet, and I shook my head at him. My nerves had me chatty; but I knew I was nervous for so many more reasons than the fact that he was  _ here,  _ or anything else I could come up with, really.

**“I’m still waiting on it to thin out.”** He insisted, and I felt like I was at a drive-in, which honestly, wouldn’t have been too bad of a set up. I tucked the thought away for later and shrugged, and just accepted my spot where I was in resigned silence.

I’d been questioning the fuck out of everything he did since earlier. Once I learned that something he had for me at the interview ended up being a very quick arrangement of live music, I wondered how he was able to pull it off, and what else he was going to do. When I came out with that Apollonia get up on, I almost thought he was gonna snatch me up. The texts he had shot me made me blush once the cameras finally did focus on us, ‘cause I couldn’t stop thinking about the shit I knew he was going to make a reality.

I knew how we were when it came to the build up. We let it build and build, and when it overflowed, it was worth it. I liked the build up. We hadn’t had sex since before we’d gotten food at Mel’s, and I really wasn’t trying to think about how intense it’d be the next time we did it, either. I was anticipating it, but I also knew how he got.

In the aftermath of the threesome, he’d want to contrast all of the shit that fueled our fantasies by wanting to be gentle and loving. Extremely soft, loving me from head to toe, slow strokes, anything I wanted him to do, he’d do, type shit. Not that we ever had that issue before, but when it was all sensual and passionate and shit? We tended to get in  _ trouble.  _ Fuck. I didn’t mind it at all, but it always set me up for failure. He put his intentions behind knocking me up again and doing things right, but I knew how things got when we linked up. When we  _ finally  _ synced up again, not just physically, but mentally too, I already knew what was going down. 

I didn’t wanna throw my desires out in the universe just yet, but I did have the rest of the weekend left with him. If we were left long enough with the right conditions, ain’t no tellin’ what was going to come out of it. I pressed my lips together in a smile as I thought about it, and I continued to slowly shake my head at him as I refused to look away from him.

My good mood wasn’t going anywhere, and I was smiling as a thousand different thoughts started to compile in my head, knowing that he lost on purpose, so whatever he was planning  _ had  _ to have been something super dope. I was still feeling the vibe from us skating, me beating his ass in Skee Ball, and the chemistry we got from all of the different shoots today, so I couldn’t even imagine what he was going to do. I was all smiles, kisses, and whispers for the whole thing, so nobody expected anything differently once he had pulled his card, and the concert setup had became a real mini concert. 

I was fine with just listening to  _ Moonbeam Levels  _ and getting the most out of it, but once the band came on? Oh, bitch. I was hype to the point to where I cried, and he had to hold me through most of the first couple of performances to calm me down. I was still flailing a lil’ bit every time I thought about it, and made sure to keep up with Erotic City, just because the whole experience was dope as hell. 

He was trying to impress me and do lil’ things to make me have memories to build off of, and a story to tell, I knew that. Like he always said, memories were better made in the moment, and I definitely knew tonight was going to be some good shit to just think back on, and immerse myself in fully while I was alone. Today went off a thousand times better than I ever could have expected, and once that interview got out, I hoped I’d already be in VA by then, so I wouldn’t have to feel the radiating energy that was going to come our way about what we were doing together. 

It was bad enough everybody who was there, those who were just looking for work, didn’t really care about what kind of shoot they stood in for, and just needed some money, was  _ on me,  _ and everything I’d ever done. There were a couple people who had accosted me and tried to get the  _ real tea  _ on what had been going on since we parted ways at  _ The Parlor _ almost a month ago, and I just shrugged them off and gestured towards Chris. Once I got to talking to the extras, I learned that the buzz in 1UP had gotten around that we were secretly a married couple, and I wasn’t shocked by it. I had been addressed as his  _ wife  _ all morning, if not by him, but by Julian and Oliver, and it made me shake my head, but I never denied it.

I was laughing at everyone who talked to me and tried to sneak a peek at my hands, which bore no engagement or wedding ring just yet. I was sure it wasn’t going to be too long before someone shared what they did and outted us unintentionally, but I knew that was a fight that was going to continue to wage on until we were in front of an altar.

**“What we gon’ do when we get up in here and someone asks if we ran off and got married? I don’t know why, but I feel that shit coming, y’know? You still wanna do the whole barefoot in the sand, seafood and chinese dinner choice thing or… have you changed your mind? Why you lookin’ at me like thaaaaaat?”** I found my voice again, and started to tease him, and he shook his head at me.

I watched him smile at me as I reminded him that I too remembered nonsensical shit that he came up with at seventeen. Wearing a smile, he moved in to kiss me, despite someone catcalling in the parking lot. I felt like I was on top of the world on the hard ass hood of this lambo, and couldn’t nobody tell me that I wasn’t, really.

**“You just gon’ question me to death, huh? Stop talking, Kacie.”** He peppered me with kisses before pulling back from me, ensuring that he’d shut me up. 

I got lost in his eyes as he looked at me, and I couldn’t stop smiling as I ran my hands down the sides of his face, and threw my head back in excitement. 

**“Baaaaaaby, I’m for real…”**

**“I am too. Shh. Be quiet, Booda.”** He insisted as he covered my mouth with his hand, and I flicked my tongue against his fingers as he cursed, and stepped away from me.

**“Oh, that’s what kinda time we’re on tonight?”** He asked, and I shook my head.

**“It’s Mister Nasty time?”** He pumped his hips into the air, and I exhaled out a laugh.

**“Don’t start with me,”** I called him out at the look in his eyes as he grasped my chin in his hand, and pulled me into his mouth. I scooted up on the hood into the kiss, and hissed softly as he snaked his other hand up to curve around my neck. His firm grip held my mouth against his as I bit down on his lip, and grabbed the back of his neck.

**“You better stop,”** I stifled a moan, and pushed him back as he groaned softly. 

**“You don’t like being told to wait, and I’m not the one who needs to be told to stop.”** He pressed his lips against mine a few more times before his hands drew to my knees, and I closed my legs.

**“C’mon, you know…”** I pressed my lips together as he slid his hand up my thigh, and tugged at my underwear.

**“You want ‘em in your pocket, don't you? It’ll make it easier for you… but guess what? Nope.”** I popped the p and smirked at him.

**“Nope? Noooope? Just like that, huh?”** He teased me back, and I laughed softly. 

All one hundred and ninety pounds of him pressed against me as he laughed, and kissed me softly. I pressed my forehead into his as he wrapped his arms around my waist, and pulled me closer to him. I exhaled into his mouth when he kissed me, and I rolled my hips at the sensation of him literally taking my breath away for just a second. I was still catching it when he pulled away from me, and controlled the motion of my head with his fingers to my chin.

**“Okay, okay…”** I surrendered on another exhale, and my chest was jerking as I struggled to breathe, and slapped at his chest. 

**“Shit, ohmigod, I forgot you just…. fuck,”** I babbled as he kept looking at me, and had yet to say anything. 

Like we were teenagers in some other parking lot, years prior, I already knew what my fate would be. The longer I sat on this hood, just letting him fuck with me enough to get me wet, but not get me off, the more intense this sex would be later. I hated it as much as I loved the rush of it all, and I was still panting a little.

**“Breathe, baby. I was just tryna see where your head was.”** Chris finally spoke, softer than I expected him to be, so I knew his head was going in circles as he looked at me. I wanted to see where his head was too, to be honest.

**“I’m still trying to get you out of those underwear, though. As much as I know I love you, I really…”** He chuckled as he looked at me, and extended his hand to grip my thigh, and rake his nails over my flesh before he continued,  **“Really want to be inside of you. And, I know for a fact that you’d let me take them off if I wanted to.**

**“Is that right?”** I panted out softly, and he nodded.

**“All I gotta do is this,”** He pulled back and looked down at me, and drew his hand back to my neck again with a little squeeze. I gripped the hood as he licked up my neck, and pushed between the gap between my thighs with a groan.

**“I’mma get you outside one of these days. I know you’ll let me. Throwing you up here for some simple shit done took me out of my element on some real shit, but at the same time, you’ve let me before. We’ll just have to be sneaker with it now.”** He nibbled at my ear, and I arched my back as I found the strength to push him away from my chest.

**“Baby, get me off of this hood before we don’t end up watchin’ shit…”** I giggled as he hummed softly in agreement, and lowered me to the ground again. 

**“Hold on, you got some… stuff on ya ass…a thousand fly corpses, probably.”** He excessively dusted off the invisible dust from my ass as I stepped away from him and got a good look at him, and sighed softly.

**“You lookin’ or you gon’ get it off?”** I questioned as the dusting turned into him grabbing handfuls of my ass in his hands, and I threw it back at him for a second before whirling around on him, and shaking my head softly.

**“Don’t you get started, motherfucker.”** I warned, and he chuckled and threw his hands up as I removed my fingertip from his chest, and he licked his lips at me as he glanced at me, and I  _ knew  _ he was tuned in, and turned on.

**“What’chu thinkin’ bout, Boo? I know that look. Talk to Daddy. Talk to your husband.”** He swiveled his hips in my direction as I chuckled, and blushed as I shook my head softly.

**“I can’t believe you’re really fuckin’ with me like this, Baby. I ain’t gon’ front. Never would I have imagined that me coming out here this time around would end up with me, having you right here… like, right here on some real shit. And, you’re mine, forever? Man. How’d I get so lucky?”** I asked softly, and he smirked at me as he took my hand, and pulled me into his side.

**“I just think it’s funny to me that you haven’t snapped out of a state of disbelief just yet. I’m still trying to figure out what I need to do to prove to you that this is real, and I’m really not going anywhere anymore. And with that being said,** **_I’m_ ** **the lucky one, trust me.”** He insisted, and I wasn’t going to fight him on it.

**“Well when you put it that way, Husband… Husbo? Hubby?”** I tested it out on my lips, and chuckled. 

**“Mr. Brown.”** I was smiling from ear to ear, and he winked.

**“Mrs,”** He looked at me without missing a beat, and I blushed again.

**“Chris, shut the hell up.”** I giggled as we kept walking side by side.

I calmed down as we walked in the direction of the building, but I couldn’t help by notice how much the parking lot was filling up. Usually, it wasn’t popping like that out here, even on our busiest day. We did mostly paperwork, arrangements, and behind the scenes work here, outside of meetings, casting, and on occasion, I’d have an interview pop off. A crowd like this? Usually wasn’t a thing that made me feel the way I was. 

I expected cameras once we got in, and my head was still spinning with the multitude of ideas when it came to making this  _ so much better  _ in terms of an overall experience before we even got up in there. I’d have to take a page out of Issa’s book, and maybe I could stream this, ‘cause I knew we’d be at it again. His reactions wouldn’t be as genuine, maybe, or it could be a thing - maybe we could just chop up all of the show, and the webshow rendition too. I could throw it on my Patreon, and make a couple of bucks off of it.

Someone would be documenting just the daily ins and outs, in case we ever needed something to compile for later. Everyone was anticipating our arrival, and that was a little bit surreal for me. I knew I was going to have to eventually pull this same thing off in Brooklyn so no one felt cheated, or maybe I could do a thing while in VA, and make a whole situation pop. I shook my head, deciding to store away the ideas for later as I exhaled softly, and watched people get out of their cars and approach us. I was smiling as he ran his fingers up my back as we walked, and I kept trying to swat him away. 

**“You could never keep your hands off of me. You just always gotta find a way to touch me, huh?”**

My mood was constantly shifting as I tried to pull myself out of my thoughts. As we got closer to the entrance, it was easier to do, and I was back to feeding off of his energy. I was in a teasing, playful mood tonight. He winked at me as I tilted my head, unable to stop smiling. 

**“So? Ain’t like you gon’ fight me off. You’re soft as hell. You’re as soft as baby puppies, Boo.”** He teased me as I rolled my eyes and laughed gently at him.

**“Yeah, aiight Bop. I’ma tee off on your ass forreal.”**

I was always threatening to hit him back when we were seventeen and stupid, and I swear, I felt seventeen and very stupid in love as I stepped back, and squared up in front of him. I tried to keep my face serious as he pursed his lips, and evaded my fake jabs with a quick snatch, and he swung me around, making my dress swish in the air.

**“WHY YOU ALWAYS WANNA PICK ME UP!”** I yelled, and he laughed as he kept swinging me around. 

I laughed until he put me down, and honestly, I didn’t care who watched us. He made me twirl in a couple of more circles, and then shook his head softly. He had been chasing me since we’d woke back up after the interview, but I loved it. I made sure to put space between us, but seconds later he was definitely zombie walking on the side of me, making me laugh at him even more.

**“You make my fuckin’ face hurt, can we just…”** I smiled as I looked around, watching other people walk close to us, getting a kick out of how he was acting.

**“Everybody is all hype and shit, ugh, I take all of that back, ugly ass.”** I was trying to stop smiling, genuinely smiling at him, but I couldn’t.

I saw just how many people were waiting to see us get into the building, and he gripped my hand a little. A lot of the staff, and a couple of cast members who knew we were up to something, but were trying to act like it didn’t excite them, still almost broke their necks as we made it to the entrance doors. He squeezed my hand a little bit again, which always calmed me down in a crowd setting. I had grown out of the overwhelming desire to want to disappear around larger crowds as time grew on and we spent more time together, but I always appreciated the reassuring little grip he gave me.

The silly mood he was in hadn’t faded as he pulled back into him and whispered into my ear.  **“Psst. Babe.”**

**“Whatchu want, Baby?”** I hummed, and gently kissed the square of his jawline. 

**“You think they gon’ know about the couch?”** His eyebrow was up as he pulled back, and I shook my head as I laughed at him.

**“No! Nobody will. They definitely asked in our group chat though. Anyway, we’re definitely not watching this in my office, this is way too many people.”**

Once we walked into the lobby, I saw phones start to turn towards me, showing that they were all on the open Discord server, and I felt relief at the sight. I was serious last time when it evolved into a  _ thing,  _ and thankfully, those who weren’t around at the moment already knew what was up. There were no personal cameras up, and nobody trying to be inconspicuous about it either, and it made me happy. The last time someone tried to pull off some slick shit, everybody suffered and no one was happy about it.

Word traveled fast that this was an incognito, private event, and I was serious about that shit. Surprised faces started turning into hype reactions in the group chat, and I know my phone was constantly going off because of all of the mentions directly to me. I had to laugh at it. I was probably being called all kinds of bitches, lovingly I hope.

**“You ready? It’s hella more people than it was before.”** Chris looked around, smiling at the amount of people who approached us, and introduced themselves before I could.

**“Yeah. As long as you’re here, I’m good. I kinda wished that Mike was here, but it’s not a panel, and I’m not really going to make it into one.”** I explained to him, and pursed my lips at the thought, tucking that away too. Now that he was here, I guess I really could have a panel discussion about  _ everything,  _ but not yet. In time though, definitely.

**“I know we’re just watching the rest of the season and probably gonna talk about what it’s all drawing from, but is it weird that I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing? I can talk about myself, but we never really sat down and came up with any format to do it.”** I admitted, and he shook his head softly at me.

**“I think I’ma end up trying too hard to impress everyone here. And to be honest, I probably won’t talk. I might just sit back and watch and let you talk. I really don’t care what either way if you get me to do so or not, ‘cause I’m more focused on you. If it gets to be too much, let me know.”** He was nervous, I could tell. It made me smile as I hugged myself against his chest, and shook my head softly.

**“Baby, it’s okay. They wouldn’t be here if they didn’t like you, first of all. Second of all, we’ll be okay. I brought you here because I want to see your genuine reactions of season one, and that’s it. The cast who are here will get to see you, and Cook should be coming too, so, yeah, it’s about to be a thing for real. We can discuss and dissect it on our own time. You can just sit back, and watch.”** I insisted as I looked into his eyes, and he nodded. 

**“Chill. I ain’t gon’ put you in no position to be in a bad space when it comes to this.”** I smiled and felt my entire face flush with warm as I felt his hands slide across the open back of the dress, and settle on my ass.

**“I know you like to watch, so, just watch. Can you do that for me?”** I lowered my voice as I pressed my body against him, and slid my hand down to rest on his hip. 

He smirked and nodded, and I stopped my leg from trying to tremble as I pulled back, and kept a smile on my face. I mouthed thank you to him as we stood next to each other, and he winked at me. I was about to make a whole joke about him having something in his eye, but it faded when he gripped my ass, and I sighed softly as I looked up at him.

It was super packed in here, like it was day 1 of work all over again. We hadn’t even gone out of the general lobby, and it felt like a movie premiere in here. I took a visual headcount of the writers who had all dropped in, and noticed that I was only missing four of them, but after peeking into the  _ off topic but…  _ chat, they promised they’d drop in before things were all over. 

There was a large majority of the rest of the pre-production crew here, and I was a lil’ amused at how this was all spiraling. When we pulled this shit off before, as impromptu as it was, it was only about twelve people who were nosey enough to pull up on us. They were the first ones to see us in action in real time, unabashed and raw, and  _ definitely  _ on some real-time caking type shit, ‘cause he was all up under me, and I was just as bad.

They hadn’t stopped talking about it, and from the looks of things, everybody was curious to see if it would continue on. I was constantly shaking my head at everyone I saw as they all gave me the same face, which read,  _ “oh really?”  _ But despite everything, something was tugging at the back of my mind and making my stomach dip, in a bad way. Nothing had happened, nor had I seen or heard anything that would make my mood shift like it did, but it definitely did. I wasn’t going to rule out anything, ‘cause ten times out of ten, my intuition was always spot the fuck on, and all of my visions usually came true to form. 

So, I  _ hoped  _ that nothing as going to actually pop off, but just the jarring thought that I hadn’t anticipated that as a possibility had me a lil’ shook. You know how you can just feel shit poppin’ off in the air though? That’s what this felt like, and it was interesting to me as the sensation took me over. I don’t know what the fuck my extrasensory abilities were up to today, but I wasn’t for the bullshit,  _ that  _ I did know.

Maybe it was all nerves.

I had grown uncharacteristically quiet as he wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me into his chest. I moaned softly at the warmth of his hands wrapping against my stomach, and covered it up with a curse as we broke to move forward to board. As we got on the elevator, I closed my eyes the entire time we were going up to the fourth floor. I opened them up as we got to three though, and I pulled my phone out. I glanced down at the texts that were constantly rolling in, and spotted one from Oliver that made me smirk.

**O** | I swear to god if you’re somewhere getting some dick and not recording it for me….

**O** | trust and believe, i’m going to kill u

I laughed at the text as Chris kissed the side of my face before we reached the fourth floor, and told me to tell him we’d send him a screenshot from earlier in the week. I cursed softly as we reached the office, and finally, I was in the midst of the sea of everyone, just hype to see  _ this.  _

There was definitely an office party going on behind the closed doors. The bump from the music, and the amount of staff hanging out in the hall let me know that almost immediately. As the doors were opened for us, we were pulled into the vacuum of the room in an instant. Oliver had done his fucking thing! He never failed to put on a show and turn even the smallest of events into a fucking major one, and this little ‘staff rewatch party’ was no exception. 

The walls of the lobby of  _ City In The Stars _ were washed in covered in blue, white, and purple lights as we stepped in, and I cooed softly at it. I remembered us getting these lights back when I was living here for a few months during Awards Season, and I was going through another one of my phases. I could smell popcorn being popped, and I was pretty sure I just saw a fuckin’ icee cup too. 

Oh  _ My  _ God. 

The first campaign for  _ Used To It  _ when I was still shopping it around was,  **“This is the kinda shit you discuss with your girls during a slumber party. They wanna know all the details, and you won’t leave shit out when you tell them. Nothing that’ll happen will surprise them either, ‘cause shit, we’re all used to it.”**

He had embodied that in full, and it made me temporarily tear up. It was another theme I told myself I needed to bring back for season two. Episodes 3, 5, 8, and the finale of season one all included slumber parties that wound up being actual slumber parties on set. We talked shit about the men in our lives, our jobs, our obligations, and  _ everything,  _ both in character and out, and this was bringing me back to those feelings as I bonded closely with the women who made up my cast, and my staff too. This was one of the things that had me feeling like this was right, you know? 

The way my life had panned out,  and continued to pan out really  _ was  _ a movie though, so hey...

**“It’s about time you finally came inside, Kacie girl. I thought you and Baby Bop were gonna pull the fuck off,”** I literally jumped up and down at the sound of Daz’s voice, in person, and not back home like I thought she’d be. 

**“What the fuuuuuuck!!”** I excitedly trilled as I watched her laugh softly, and tilt her head at me. This was by no means the awkwardness my body was setting me up to anticipate, but I was about to cry as my mentor stood there in the flesh with a smile.

**“What the fuck are you doing here?”** I asked, holding onto her hand and not letting it go. She smiled and shrugged a shoulder, and shook her head softly.

**“You’re not the only one who has mastered pop ups, Lil’ One.”** She winked at me, pegging me with one of Mike’s nicknames for me, and I shook my head gently.

**“It’s just you and the old man, huh?”** She questioned softly as she looked around the room, searching for someone that wasn’t there, and I could tell as she turned back to me who she was looking for before she even asked.  

**“No Baba?”**

**“We’re taking a weekend break.”** I admitted, as her eyes softened and she nodded at me.

**“Oh shit, hey! What’s up, you came to tell us that you’re ready to babysit?”** Chris joked as he approached Daz, and kissed her on the cheek.

She looked him up and down, and then between the two of us, and she shook her head softly. I blushed at that being her threat for all of my senior year, and inwardly hummed at the fact that it could be a reality now. He winked at me and I shook my head at her as she looked between us again, and I snatched her away, linking my arm in hers.

**“I know that lil’ motherfucker didn’t,”** She laughed, and I shook my head softly. 

**“Kacie, tell me his ass didn’t.”** She looked down at me with semi-surprised eyes, and I shook my head from side to side in denial. 

Daz was the first person I told I was pregnant with Celeste. She just happened to be visiting the day I found out, and I will never forget how the shit went down either. I threw up in the sink in her AirB&B, and she stepped in to grab a makeup bag, saw me, sat me down, and shook her head softly as she asked me what I was going to do about it.

Like Mike, she was with me for the entire ride. She always had been, and I could never repay her for her guidance, her confidant speeches, all the hours she spent retwisting my hair, wiping my tears, and being another one of the women who had become not just a close, dear friend to me, but the big sister I always needed.

We didn’t need to explicitly state anything, and never would, knowing that not everyone in the room was capable of keeping things on the hush. To be honest, it was harder to even consider trying to ask them all to. I was one step ahead though, always, and knew what to do if anything was to get out. So far, I’d only had one incident that I had managed to flip on it’s ass, but I knew this was a different playing field, and it’d come with a little more maneuvering considering exactly  _ what  _ managed to leak. I inhaled softly as I pushed the intrusive thoughts out of my mind.

**“Nah nah nah…. Empty fingers, empty womb.”** I wiggled my fingers at her, watched him float back over to us. 

Chris leaned in and whispered something into Daz’s ear, and then winked at me as he served me back, and actually disappeared in the room. I wished that I could have read his lips, or that he spoke loudly enough for me to hear too, but I don’t think I needed to. Finality was in his gaze before he winked at me.

I blushed at our interaction before turning to Daz, and squeezing her arm again. We softly stood together, and didn’t say anything. We didn’t have to. The lil’ bulkiness in her shoulders disappeared as she smiled over her shoulder for a second. She just squeezed me back in return, and leaned into me, leaving me to press my head against her shoulders.

**“I want to be the Godmother of this one too. And, I’m not too against being a bridesmaid either.”** She nudged me, and I nodded softly. We hugged again, tighter, and she chuckled.

**“I’m not rushing you though! Do what not too many of us have been able to pull off.”** Daz added, and I laughed softly.

**“Hopefully, I will.”**

**“How many days to Virginia?”** She questioned, and I sighed gently.

**“Seven.”** I fell right into her trap to Baby slash console  _ and  _ interrogate me all in one go, and she squeezed my arm again.

**“Mmm. good. I leave Tuesday. We need lunch and we need to talk.”** She insisted, and all I could do was nod.

**“I’ll catch up with you,”** I let her go for a second as I spotted Oliver, and approached him.

As soon as I walked off, I’d been stopped. People were coming up to me in rapid succession and I felt like I was back in the interior at  _ The Parlor _ . I made some space between me and everyone who was trying to approach me, and laughed. While making my way through the crowd of staff, I was admiring what he’d done as I took on every hug and coo and kiki, and head nod thrown my way. I had to push into boss mode, but I still wanted to stay in chill mode too. 

**“Yo, chill.”** I warned only once, knowing that everyone else was extremely hype, and I exhaled softly when I felt a soft and warm hand slide back into mine.

**“Gotdamn.”** Chris cursed, and I shook my head as I did the same. 

The majority of the chaos was coming from the writers, who had their prime subject right in front of them in the flesh, and they were  _ all over him,  _ to the point where I had to not only briefly warn them to chill, but we had to lock hands in order to get deep into the room. That was a little surprising, as much as it was annoying. Only because, they should be able to handle themselves better than just  _ throwing  _ themselves at him, but I guess for those who hadn’t rolled up on us the other day, ain’t no telling what the fuck they had heard, or were expecting.

As eyes kept drawing to my hand, I immediately figured,  _ rings.  _

**“Okay, so what the fuck…”** I muttered softly as Chris peeped too, and lifted our joined hands up so he could kiss mine. I shook my head at him and watched his eye get caught away on something, and seconds later, we were separating for maybe the what, fourth time tonight? Fourth too many.

**“I’ll be right back.”**

**“Where you going now, Baby?”** I called out, watching him fork his head towards a wall.

I followed with my gaze and saw that there was a junk food concessions style set up, and he was going right for the Icees. Part of me wanted to throw my hands up and follow, but I opted not to. I’d done way too much in my time when it came to putting my hard work into what I was in the middle of that I knew I wasn’t going to make much progress ignoring all of that to follow behind him. I couldn’t even see his back anymore, and the urgency to be close to him settled inside of me like swishing butterflies as I stood in that spot for way too long, just waiting.

I had to snap out of it. I looked around again, spotted Oliver and sneakily made my approach to end up behind him in seconds. I playfully smacked him upside the head after I snuck up on him, which made him whirl around on me.

**“Unh-uh, Fuck up these bantu knots if you want to, Kacie. I know that’s your little ass.”** He stopped my hand with a chop from his wrist, and I laughed as I popped the collar of his Versace blouse.

**“Whatchu gon’ do about it?”** I hummed as I admired him, and sighed softly at the sight of everything he’d been able to pull off within a few days notice.

**“Okay,** **_eeeeewww,_ ** **do you hear your hype ass? Lemme find out he rewiring your ass, makin’ you act like you’re eighteen again. I ain’t finna play with you.”** Oliver glanced over my head as I felt heat behind me, and turned to hug Julissa, who giggled at me. Oliver glanced between the two of us, and then turned around to bump my hip.

**“Mmm. I feel like that one is up to something.”** We hugged and I smiled at him, got caught in the middle of a selfie, and glanced around the room again with a soft smile. 

**“Mmm who, Julissa? Why’d you say that?”** I asked, trying to swallow down my curiosity.

**“I feel it in my gut. But, you know I’m on top of it. Anyway, did you see Daz?”**

**“Yeah, did you do that or did she just pop up?”** I asked, and he shook his head softly.

**“A lil’ bit of both. More luck than arranging. So, what’d you think? I did pretty solid for some last minute shit, huh?”**

**“You did an amazing job with the space O.”** I complimented him as Chris came up behind me and placed his hand on the small of my back as I settled into him behind me.

**“You did good with the Icees, you know a nigga loves Icees,”** He stuck out his blue tongue, and I rolled my eyes softly at him.

**“Nah, everything else in here is real dope. You do parties or event planning or something too, right? Lemme run this idea by you that I had...”** Chris pulled Oliver away, and left me to my own devices as he roped someone else into whatever grand scheme he had decided to concoct.

**“Okay so, what the fuck? Are you just gon’ take away everybody that approaches me, or what Chris?!”** I yelled at his retreating form, making more people than I wanted to turn around and look at me.

I grunted in frustration, and turned around until I was able to convince someone to grab a white cherry Icee. I was finally alone, watching way more than the twelve heads that were here earlier in the week lock eyes with me. This look was different, though. It was weird, but it felt like something in the air had kicked up, and it put me on alert. 

The sounds of the instrumental to  _ Sober  _ started playing, interrupting me from the animated story I was trying to keep up with between Baby and Oliver, and I sighed softly as I saw that Donald was attempting to FaceTime me.

**“Fuck.”**

I answered it with my eyebrow up, but cursed lowly when I really looked at the screen. It wasn’t on him as I thought it would be, but instead, he was walking up on me. I saw Chris and Oliver go into my office before I watched the call end, and suddenly, I was swallowing spit as I was pulled into a hug.

God, I had to remind him to stop doing that. You figure I’d be smarter by now - the majority of our FaceTime history was like this, either a warning before he snatched me up, or something that I didn’t want to think about. Yet, it was still  _ all that I was thinking about _ as he inhaled the top of my head before he pressed his lips against my forehead. Like always, not giving a fuck who was watching, because basically  _ everyone  _ who saw him approach me was, Donald wrapped his arms around me, and I pressed my body against his, and looked over his shoulder as I arched my back to look around.

**“You weren’t going to tell me about this? We can do commentary.”** Donald whispered, and I pulled back and shook my head.

**“This wasn’t even... wait.”** I paused, and eyed him from head to toe. 

**“Did you roll out of bed for this?”** I narrowed my eyes at him as I stared down at the soft white short shorts, and the tee that smelled like the same fabric softener he used for his sheets.

**“I did. You can tell? Oh shit, is it noticeable? Am I winkled a-f, as the kids say?”** He questioned, and I shook my head and tried to swallow down my smile.

**“You’ve been avoiding me, so I just figured, why not figure out where she is? I didn’t want to call, but now that I know you’re here--”** His explanation died out in his throat, and I raised my eyebrow at him as I wondered who’d caught his eye and shut him down so effectively.

**“Oh, of course. Duh, I don’t know why I thought…”** Donald pressed his lips together as he broke off his sentence and shook his head, and I didn’t have to look up to know who he was looking at. 

A hand slid protectively around my hip and my back collided into solid warmth, and I exhaled softly. I didn’t want this to be awkward, and didn’t know what to even do, to be honest. I just shook my head, not sure if I needed to extend a formal introduction, or what the fuck, so I did neither. I finally shut the fuck up.

How in the fuck was I going to pull next season off?

**“Babe, c’mere right quick.”** Chris insisted, as I busied myself with the more elaborate than usual process of retrieving my phone from my bag.

Maybe if I didn’t look so damned caught, I wouldn’t feel the way I did, but holy shit. I stared down at the messages in the Discord chat that said the same thing, but also got ignored for another round of emoji eyes, which meant all eyes were on me.

**“Don, you’re not going to leave, are you?”** I inquired softly, needing to break away, but I was stuck, and couldn’t move forward like I wanted to.

**“Hurry back.”** He insisted like he’d miss me if I didn’t, and I didn’t want to think about that.


	23. slow dancing in a burning room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not a silly little moment  
> It's not the storm before the calm  
> This is the deep and dyin' breath of  
> This love we've been workin' on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to take a break from this joint, bruh. it's been a minute and i can breathe again, so i'm back! thanks for reading, asking when i'ma update, harassing ya girl lmao - I'll add again sometime this week. thanks ya'll!!!!

22 | slow dancing in a burning room

None of this was what I expected.

I can say I honestly didn’t come here with too many expectations, but in this case in particular, as wrong as it is to admit, I expected a fight. I also expected better out of the both of them, not  _ this _ , so it was… weird. I felt weird, in a way that I couldn’t explain or vocalize, and I swear when Donald said to hurry back just now, it sounded too loaded for me to begin to unpack. I wasn’t expecting to see him, and I didn’t like the feeling that had been coating me since he popped up. It was like I was purposely barring him away, and I wasn’t, I would  _ never  _ do that to him, and that’s all I was trying to decide how to explain to him.

How could I pull it off? This felt impossible, knowing we couldn’t be around each other for too long without other issues coming up. All of our issues were good at being settled in a way that only temporarily makes us feel okay about our fuck ups, but not addressing them like we should. The way we operate together ain’t really been built for nothing other than understanding all of the misunderstandings that we  _ get  _ because of the situation we’re in, but, I don’t know how long we’re going to be able to work like that. There’s a lot we need to address, and popping up on me when I’m with Chris, just ain’t ideal.

I hate myself right now. This is why I couldn’t see this polygamy shit really working out, because truthfully it wouldn’t even be _ The Man I Know I’m Going To Grow Old With _ , and  _ The Man Who Wants Nothing More Than To Give Me The World And Never Lose His Place In Mine _ . No, there’s also  _ The Man Who Only Has Me To Play Out His Fantasies With _ , and truth be told, I do the same with him. It’s levels and layers to this multifaceted thing that could never just be destroyed because we both know we’ll never go home to each other at the end of the day, ever again.

Not since Atlanta.

People were staring as we walked away, and I was trying to save face the best way I knew how. I expected something else when Chris and Donald finally met up after all of our shit together, and from the looks on the people I briefly glanced at while being led away, I wasn’t alone. I guess we all expected something more explosive, maybe? Not what had just happened, anyway. There were no photo ops for this moment, no hugs, and I could have sworn Don’s jaw clench for a second before Chris pulled me away. 

This night was going to be a long one.

The tension in the air made me paw at the back of my neck for a second as I cursed softly, and tried to keep a look of cool on my face. I looked up to see Chris scoffing as Don ushered for us to disappear to our location with a wave of his hands, and that ended that. I could feel his eyes on my retreating back, and I know he didn’t turn away until I was gone. Internally, that shook me up. I remembered what Oliver had said a while back - was I really mixing too much dick? Was this going to be too much tonight?

I wanted to curse, but I didn’t, and couldn’t, really. 

For as much as I wanted to talk, say  _ something,  _ anything, I was put to mute again. People were looking at us as we stalked off, but I didn’t want to make a scene. Chris held my hand as we rounded corners and disappeared to an emptier hallway, and headed towards the conference room. I  _ knew  _ better than to think Donald wasn’t going to try and do something tonight. I knew he was. I knew no matter what he or Christopher tried to convince me, I knew that they were going to show out tonight, and not necessarily in a good way. 

Was it something that could have been avoided? Maybe. But not for long, and I knew eventually, it was going to have to be entertained, maintained, and handled. My stomach was flip flopping with the possibility of it though, and I cant lie: I was a bit turned on by this. The idea of them debating and analyzing and trying to figure each other out did something to this fucked up, dominating, powerful side of me. It made me feel wanted, and worth putting up all of the bullshit I managed to pull the two -- no, the three of them through, for whatever reason. 

I knew they would come at me with the bullshit too, sooner than later. I’d long braced myself for that, thinking that maybe things would have played out differently, and maybe they’d run into each other without me there to be a buffer or a fuckin’ prize of sorts. It would have been easier if Donald busted through the doors at Mel’s, or, maybe was at the party, but as I closed my eyes, I saw that playing out differently too.

But, I knew they were both mentally on the same wave, tryna tally up the next man. Donald would want to rip the situationship between us apart and make it all make sense, and validate the usage towards continuing on. He would try to convince me that it was worth it, that he  _ needed  _ it, that was the Libra in him, trying to understand the appeal. Chris would want to do the same. He’d use his hands, his words, memories, and make new and compare them to old ones - why wouldn’t you want this forever? I could just hear him now, and as I looked up at him, I realized he was muttering to himself, but I definitely caught that.

I wasn’t going to beat myself up about how this was evolving, but thankfully he’d pulled me away before it could get increasingly more awkward. There were very little boundaries when it came to Donald - hell, once upon a time in Atlanta, he brought me a mini pack of pads from a fuckin’ gas station, paying better attention to me than I had been, and called my oncoming period before I even realized what had hit me. 

I could just see me, at the same time, fighting for that to be the type of behavior I just needed and wasn’t going to give up or alter for the sake of anyone’s feelings. If anything, I was  _ done  _ being apologetic for someone else’s fucking insecurities or mishandling when it came to me  _ doing  _ me. I felt like they’d both try and come at me on that shit - and I had gotten through configuring Donald’s place against Mike already, but with Chris? I don’t know.

It wasn’t anything I could put into words, but I knew how it made me feel. It wasn’t something I wanted to give up just because someone else wasn’t going to like it. It made me tingle with annoyance but also light up with the thought of fighting to keep it. The sensation of that feeling alone made me shake my head.

**“You know a formal introduction will have to go down, right? Please don’t make it difficult.”** My mouth was working again as Chris said nothing, but the grip on my hand got tighter.

Seconds later, we were in an empty conference room, and it was like electricity had settled in the air around us. I looked at him, and couldn’t really put a finger on what was wrong with him, but I knew it was something that we needed to address before the night went on. I reminded myself that he’d never been in the presence of Donald and I together after all of the shit we’d been through. I couldn’t even count the night we’d had at The Parlor, ‘cause it wasn’t about  _ me  _ until the end, and even then, I simply glossed over what he looked like.

It made my stomach begin to churn as he continued to just  _ stare  _ at me, way different than he had been when we were outside. We didn’t need to talk about this shit here, but we couldn’t stop avoiding addressing important things, and this was one of those ‘major importance’ situations. It was delicate, complicated, raw, and -- this was going to hurt, no matter what. This was awkward, but it was bound to happen eventually, and we’d have to deal with all of this before we went on set, but  _ shit.  _

I didn’t want either of them to go into their particular situation with me without fully understanding, or being a little bit more in the know about how I was with the other. It was easy with Mike and Chris, because we’d always been interwoven together. Don and Mike was easier than I thought, although on several occasions back in Atlanta, I got painted a picture of the idyllic situation between two men, so it was easier. It was less of a fight - rarely any at all, except for a few times.

Chris wouldn’t be so understanding about Donald and I. I had told myself a while back to figure out how to explain it to him, but, I never got anywhere with that great mental discussion. I never thought I’d have to figure out where to even  _ start  _ with this conversation as early as I was though. I thought I’d at least be able to come up with something to say by the time we were about to start shooting again, ‘cause I know Donald wouldn’t pop up in Virginia on me, on  _ us…  _

He’d done a lot of stupid shit, but he wasn’t  _ that  _ stupid. Knowing him, he’d tell me later that he constantly fought himself on doing it though. I knew him better enough than to admit that he wouldn’t at least debate about it. 

Chris still hasn’t said anything, and it was fucking me up. We were just standing here, looking at each other, and I  _ knew  _ my face was rife with guilt, but for some unspoken reason, I couldn’t even begin to explain why I felt the way I did. Who was I trying to save face for, the  _ lover  _ or the  _ ex?  _ I knew he was pissed without him even saying anything. I was trying to justify the emotions in his face and mood to see just  _ how  _ pissed he was though. He didn’t seem too happy, but also there was some surprise in his face too. I could tell he was mentally trying to pull himself together before he asked me anything, or addressed whatever he was trying to understand, and it made me feel uneasy.

Was this the awkwardness I was anticipating earlier? 

Probably. 

**“What’d you pull me away like that for, babe? What’s wrong with you?”** I raised my voice higher than my general sharp whisper, and he shook his head. I pressed myself against his chest, and he shook his head again, and refused to say anything.

**“Aye, c’mon, we were doin’ good…”** I whispered again, and Chris shook his head again, and he moved to lock the large door behind us. 

I pushed away from his chest, and pulled myself up on the table I had backed up into. I crossed my legs and narrowed my eyes at him as I impatiently waited on him to collect himself. The last thing I was trying to do right now was get caught up in the middle of some bullshit, and have this night ruined for me. I needed him to say  _ something. _

**“Is he like this all the time?”** He finally asked, with all of the amusement drained from his tone. 

He sounded calmer than I anticipated, but he was definitely still pissed off. I didn’t like feeling cornered, and I even winced as he looked at me.

**“Like what? What are you talking about, Baby?”** I braced myself for a blow up as he locked eyes with me, and sat down next to me on top of the large wooden table in the room.

**“Don’t act stupid, Kacie.”** He snapped, and closed his eyes and got off of the table and folded his arms across his chest as he looked at me. 

Fuck. I thought I was going to get some maturity here, but apparently, he was about to flip. Or was he? It had been so long since we’d gotten into it -- shit, the literal last time we were face to face, actually, so I was sure in that time apart, he’d figured out some way for him to handle himself before speaking to me, ‘cause I could come at him with just as much fire as he was trying to throw my way. 

I hoped he could calm down and come at the situation a different way, but I wasn’t going to suggest anything. I was gonna let him work through his grown man tantrum I knew he was building up to have, or maybe those days were past us and I’d gotten lucky. Maybe, he could use his words. Judging by the protruding veins on his forehead and his neck though, I doubted it. 

He was just standing across from me, just looking. I don’t like the way he was looking at me though; like he couldn’t fuckin’  _ believe  _ the shit I was capable of doing, and that generally pushed him into a state of being disappointed with me. I ain’t like that too much either - disappointment bred a sense of disrespect which rolled into some,  _ you ain’t listenin to me any fuckin way’ -  _ kinda… off the wall shit, almost got me pregnant a while back on some nut shit. 

I don’t want a repeat of twenty seven.

I didn’t think him snatching me away from Donald would cause him to feel as much anger as he was displaying right now though. Was it even really anger though? Or was he just frustrated? The processes were similar, and I locked eyes with him for a second as I tried to differentiate between the two moods.

**“He ain’t even put up much of a fuckin’ fight when he saw me step up to you, so at least I know the nigga ain’t stupid…”** I knew many girls who got turned on when he put some aggression into his tone, and when he looked like he was about to pop off, but me, it kinda just fucked me up. 

As beautiful as the man was staring at me as he stood in front of me was, he was pissed off and it was hurting me to know that this was my fault. This was all my fuckin’ fault for not being smart enough to avoid all of this. Shit, maybe I was stupid to even  _ think  _ this was something that could be avoided in the first place. I still couldn’t think of anything to say to fix this, and it was making me frown just because he was drawing his brow together, and glaring at me in disbelief.

**“Calm down, Babe.”** I spoke softly, as the vein in his forehead seemed to melt away.

**“Baby, listen, he’s definitely in love with you,”** Chris insisted, and I wasn’t going to argue with the truth.

**“Don’t act like you didn’t know it either. I know it’s not something you just found out. Knowing you, you’ve known forever, and you probably torment him with the fact that he does every chance you get. So, don’t even fix your lips to even play with me and ask** **_how you know_ ** **in that tone you have when you’re acting stupid either.”** He pointed, and I don’t even know  _ what  _ my facial expressions were leading him to believe, but I frowned at him as he pulled my hands up to hold his.

**“I know he’s in love with me.”** I admitted, and closed my eyes briefly as I felt his lips press against my hands.

**“I can’t help that, but I know it’s eating me up trying to watch both of y’all process the other. I should have… we should have talked about this kind of shit when we got alone, instead of acting like we were still in our teens and early twenties. We ain’t the same people no more, and that reality includes other people…. Other men.”** I explained softly, and opened my eyes to look back at his expression, and mentally prayed that it had softened.

**“Listen. I don’t want any bullshit, but I didn’t like any of that. You said we need to talk and communicate better, so let’s do that right now. What the fuck** **_was_ ** **that, Kacie?”** His tone was soft and it went totally against the content of the subject. My stomach dipped and I shook my head, waiting for him to further voice how he felt.

He started to pace, and I shook my head.

**“The only time I’ve seen someone get so visibly shut down because I came close to you is when they can’t have you. You think I don’t know what being in love with you looks like? Or, how stupid it makes a motherfucker? Trust me, I know, cause I’ve been one stupid motherfucker over you. What do you want me to do, knowing that I gotta sit up in the face of another motherfucker who loves my woman? Hmm?”** There was passion in his tone, but nothing else.

**“Baby, I won’t lie and say it’s not like that, but, it is and at the same time, it’s not. We’ve been romantically paired off since we started working together. You’d be an idiot not to fall in love with me.”** I tried to soothe his concerns, but it only made him look more pissed off, which made me press my thighs together as he walked over to me, and planted his hands on both sides of me, and just stared at me.

Part of me wanted to push him away from me, but the more rational part didn’t. I needed the tension in his shoulders to drop. Looking into his eyes, I knew the best way to contain the fire in them was to extinguish it.

**“It’s just work, babe.”**

I know he was looking for the validity in the statement, and I pressed my forehead against his and kissed him softly. He brought my lip into his mouth and sucked on it softly before pulling away, and shaking his head.

**“Nah, that’s** **_homework_ ** **. I know you like he wishes he did. You’ve already fucked his head up and got his nose wide open.”** Chris pulled back, and my hands drew to his wrists as I kept him close to me.

**“It’s not a big deal, baby. Don’t make it one. Because if it was, that would have been way more than what it was. But, it’s nothing. I’ll talk to him.”** I insisted, trying to squash this, wanting to be given the chance to come up with  _ something,  _ quick.

**“And, how’s that going to work when he can’t even look at you without his dick getting hard?”** Chris questioned, as I leaned back on my elbows and stared down at his crotch, and tilted my head as I looked up at him.

**“Pretty common thing between the men who love me, actually. I have the right to believe all of that power comes from me looking directly into their eyes.”** We locked eyes, and Chris sucked his teeth. He narrowed his eyes at me, and I chuckled silently.

**“Me looking into your eyes got me a daughter, my world fucked up, and I found a wife. I'm not finna keep doing it.”** Chris looked away from me, boring a hole into the ceiling, and I smirked. 

**“And, now that I see that I’m right, I guess I shouldn’t tell you how I want to be fucked on top of the table then, huh?”** My mind said “ _ redirect!”,  _ and I did.

**“Kacie, be serious.”**

**“I am serious. Aggressive you gets me wet. If it wasn’t so many people here, me and you could pull off what I’m seeing in my head right now.”** I smiled, and he licked his bottom lip as he moved me close to the end of the table with a pull of my dress.

**“You must be peeping me for more Jay and Giana sex scenes tonight, huh?”** He asked, and I nodded.

**“There's one in episode five, and one in seven. Maybe season two will give us our time, but I don’t even want to think about how you get when you have to perform. Performing with him was… different. Season one had like, what, four sex scenes in em? What I’m tryna say is, he’s been playing my man since we first got on screen together, so you don’t think falling into character would have him falling over me off screen too?”** I inquired, but it opened another can of worms that seemed to pop between us. 

His head snapped up and he looked at me, and I pressed my lips together as I looked up at him, and swallowed softly. Something clicked, really clicked then, and he licked his lips slowly as he scoffed at me. I didn’t have to say it. He didn’t have to ask. It was just there, settling in the room.

Shit. 

**“Y’all use condoms?”** He didn’t beat around the bush this time. I nodded without saying anything.

**“Y’all been together recently?”** His brow went up, and I nodded again. He sucked his teeth.

**“You done?”** That was the promise and the threat, rolled up in the same tone. I squeezed my thighs together.

**“Yeah.”**

**“Don’t ask me if I’m sure or try to get into my head about it. It’s work. That’s it. Everything else…”** I shrugged in my discomfort towards it. 

**“I’m still tryna figure out what to do. It’s not as easy as it seems to let someone down in so many ways, and then you have to continue to perpetuate those feelings. It’s too confusing.”** I licked my lips as I looked up at him, and brought his Icee flavored mouth back to mine.

**“Just give me the space to figure that out.”** I requested as he nodded, and his shoulders slumped as I wrapped my hands around him and slid them up and down his back.

**“Please and thank you. Remember, I’m going home with YOU tonight, remember that? You remember how you pushed that shit on me? It’s my turn to do it to you. It’s okay, baby. He’s not the first one to fall in love with me and he won’t be the last. Don’t develop an insecurity over the inability to be the only one to love me.”** He didn’t like the Capricorn smartass rearing her head, and gently scoffed at me as I pressed my lips against his again, and he lifted me from the table.

**“You gon’ get enough of talking me down and having me hard at the same time, woman.”**

**“This is my shit. Show me.”**

**“I'm not showing you shit, ‘cause you don't act right.”**

**“Mmmmmm fuck, okay, then put me back on my own two fucking feet!”** I giggled as he did, and I looked at him and threw my leg up on the table, and threw my dress up.

**“You better put it down, Kacie.”**

**“I’m so mad I’m not taking advantage of this shit right now.”** I insisted, and he laughed and looked at me for a minute, and shook his head at me.

**“We’ll have enough time for that later. But c’mon, cause you know the longer we stay in a room alone, the more likely someone’s going to get fucked up. Let’s go, Kacie Jaylin.”** He insisted, and I whined a little as I stood up again, and he fixed my dress as I rolled my eyes softly.

**“We will pick all of this back up later,”** He insisted with a laugh, and kissed my cheek, then my mouth, and then down to my neck. I squeezed him extra tightly as I mumbled my requests into the side of his face, and he groaned as he pulled back.

**“Yes. You know I’m with all of the shit, but if we never make it out of here, we can’t do a thing. So, c’mon. Let’s get this awkward shit over with.”**

**….**

Awkward was a funny fuckin’ way to sum up the last few hours, ‘cause for as much awkwardness as it was, they eventually got it together for me. It had really turned into a  _ lituation _ after everyone got their shit together, and after episode eight ended, everyone wondered where we’d meet to watch the finale. I wasn’t absolutely certain if I had my mind made up or not, so I told them I’d meet them in Brooklyn, and they were all for it. 

With the way the energy in the room was working, I gave in to the fact that everything going down in the room wasn’t going to be able to be contained without breaking out online, and I couldn’t hold  _ everybody  _ accountable for trying to hold it in either. So, I had quickly made up my mind to do  _ something  _ with what I was doing, and after a little bit of quick work at my laptop, it became a surprise Pateron broadcast.

That was a good thing, and in hindsight, something I probably should have prepared myself better for. Episodes five through eight of  _ Used To It  _ generally chronicalled the introduction of Giana and Dante’s quickly growing relationship, and how Dante generally blew Giana away, keeping her more and more out of the loop and disinterested with what Jay had going on. It paralleled the real life situations that spiraled out as Chris got deep into life after his debut album and the pressure to drop something hot to maintain his relevancy became his main focus. Dante was just trying to chase the success he already had, but was definitely distracted by Giana, who only wanted to boost him up in whatever way that she could. Omari had reprised his role as Gabriel and was in a lot of those episodes too, generally serving as the older brother who wanted his sister to do better, and start by checking in on her  _ boyfriend,  _ that she had seemed to forget about.

By the time Giana had though, it was kinda already the beginning of the end for the two of them. That also introduced a spin on Chris’ then fucked up situation with Maya, who I hoped was doing way better these days than she was back then. I had interpolated several flips on the real life battles I was having back then, and highlighted Jay’s struggles especially. 

Episode five was Jaycentric, and put us in his shoes. It unraveled the situation between Jay and Giana’s issues at home, but in real life, was a spin on how things were when Mike was getting through his parents’ divorce by putting his all back into acting. Jay was struggling like a motherfucker tryna prepare for a role in a feature film, but it wasn’t as shitty as I was making it out to be for Mike. He actually handled his transition coming from  _ The Wire  _ to getting back on TV pretty effortlessly, and I was proud of him.

Jay as a character based off of Mike had to struggle for a reason, and for good reason. In episode six, Jay had gotten a new manager who was constantly concocting some fuckery, and it introduced Sofi Green as Jay’s  _ Robyn  _ of sorts - an actress who was too sexy for the bullshit she was putting on, and got him exposure outside of the world of the role he had recently gotten into.

Donald made it a point to overanalyze the situation, and I was over his attempt to pull me away from Chris, but I held my own and constantly found myself going at his neck. Donald tried it so many times that I eventually stopped feeding ino his bullshit. I eventually stopped letting him talk, and pushed the analysis of Dante’s scenes onto Christopher Cook. He had everyone  _ really  _ getting into how he was no stranger of working with Chris, and they took several selfies together and everyone was really feeding into how my idea would actually work, and I had no issues about it ever working from the jump. 

It was doing  _ wild  _ good as a broadcast too, and the internet was also soaking it the fuck up. Social media had gotten wind of what was going on and definitely, absolutely tuned in. I made sure there would be something for every paying tier, but the people who were spitting the most money in support of me really benefit from the livestream of the whole thing. I had to think fast and work quick, but it turned out good. There was commentary from Donald Glover, Myself, Daz DeLuis, members of the cast and the writing team, and once Chris finally got up and opened his mouth, we broke the server twice. 

The members of the  _ Premiere  _ Tier, which was the folks who gave me a hundred dollars or more a month because they supported and believed in my vision, would definitely be able to be in attendance for the Brooklyn situation. Like Issa, I loved the idea of a proper meet and greet and a good discussion of my vision, my work, and what I was plotting on, and I loved for those who genuinely supported me out of the kindness of their hearts and pockets to be in attendance for those situations. 

So, I figured if I had my team put all of that out there for me, Brooklyn was definitely going to be a movie. But, we were long gone from the office and all of the mess that was trying to crack off, and he was driving me  _ somewhere… _

Somewhere where I ain’t need to focus on shit but him, and I needed that. Now that everyone was gone though, I just wanted to go. I glanced back down at the open twitter app and shook my head. I had several trending topics going on, including my name, ‘Used To It’, and ‘Kacestopher Glover’ had been trending, and that made me shake my head. I was more than ready to go on his following date, and once we were done, go home and ride my man until we both were sated and fell asleep together. 

**“You hungry, Babe?”** Chris finally broke the silence in the car, and I hummed softly. 

I had been trying not to blush in the passenger’s side as we stopped, ‘cause  _ like a virgin again  _ was playing, and I was going through the motions in the seat after I’d zoned out from my phone. The song was recorded during some,  _ I can’t sleep  _ shit, and he’d written it after we  _ finally  _ had sex again after being apart for a very large portion of the years prior. ‘08 to ‘10 had been trying times  _ for real.  _

I wasn’t even  _ trying  _ to go back there. Fuck that. I turned towards him and lifted my head and just  _ stared at him.  _ There was so much shit we  _ weren’t  _ talking about right now that I’d almost forgotten that he had plotted on me, and had planned a date following the screening.

**“I could eat.”**

**“I could eat,”** He mocked me, and chuckled.

**“Good, ‘cause I got something for you.”** He smiled, and I settled back into the seat, continuing to let him drive. 

I was glad we’d gotten out of the event without the addition of drama, but there had been moments that made me shift in my seat for several reasons. Donald had a lot of commentary for these particular few episodes, and I don’t know why I thought he was joking, even when I was roped into it. I pushed for Chris to speak a couple of times and didn’t regret it, and fuck, all I was missing to top this night off was Mike, but I wasn’t going there.

When I wasn’t making an ass of myself, and trying not to blush or train my eyes to look away from Daz or Baby himself, I was getting hit with nostalgia and pulling myself under as Chris constantly whispered into my ear, painting the parallels that I had so easily flipped. There were more scenes with Cook playing Dante this time around, including two studio sessions that I chuckled at - like the first time Chris had convinced me to come to his Mom’s place, all those years ago. I remixed that whole thing for episode eight, and kissing Cook had thrown me off the first time, but once I settled into my actress bag, I was okay.

Still wasn’t holding a candle to the real thing, and I stole several kisses to Chris’ neck and cheek as he held me in his arms. We spent the last four hours tucked next to each other on a two person chair, which didn’t matter, because we were so close to each other that we were basically one mass of body parts. There was a camera recording from directly in front of us to catch one angle, another from a corner angle, and a drone hovering around the room for some pretty cool shots to go up on Facebook and Instagram to pass the time - and prove that we were doing  _ something,  _ without letting things truly out into the open just yet.

On instagram, the drone assisted shot with the two of us still cuddled up on the couch together was posted on the official ‘UsedToIt_HBO’ account with the caption,  **“life imitating art.”** There were some hashtags following it, and in the next picture, there was a long shot assisted selfie of Me, Chris, Donald, and a couple of other cast members, that was literally like pulling teeth to accomplish, and I didn’t want to bring that up, either.

As easy as I wanted this to be, I knew motherfuckers were already having the time of their lives talking about me. Nothing should have felt differently about what would come out of this either. I closed my eyes for the ride, not knowing where we were going, but just trying to remain in a cool place, and not think too hard about what was developing after the fact.

**“So… I’m curious about something.”**

We were still driving without any aim or direction that I knew of, and I listened to him as I opened my eyes, and his fingers wrapped around my left thigh again.

**“Curious about what?”** I sat up straight, and he licked his lips as he looked at me, and I looked at him, realizing that this seemed a lil’ serious. I got serious then, and repeated myself as he turned the radio down, and pursed his lips.

**“What would things be like if I was still with Ammika when we hooked up at The Parlor? Would you still be fuckin’ Donald, be doing shit with Mike, and would you still want to fuck with me?”**

I know my face scrunched up immediately, judging by the way he frowned and shook his head.

**“Let me rephrase that. Would you still consider even being where you are right now, if I still had someone when we linked earlier this month? If I wanted to just get you back in my life even though I had someone else, how would that work out?”**

Curiosity was getting the best of him, but I knew him well enough not to fall into the trap he was trying to set. I just shrugged. I didn’t want to keep thinking about or lingering on that without really thinking about it. It was going to take more than what we could pull off in the confines of the car if my mood was to shift again. The eye roll from him let me know he wanted more than that, but he knew it was also too much of a hypothetical for me to even feed into the scenario.

**“I’m tryna talk to you. I’m curious for real. The way I saw you flip everything for the show got me wondering about my own alternate universes, so, how would that work?”** Chris asked, as he jiggled my thigh, trying to get me to warm up to his inquiry.

**“Say in this situation you had Donald as your man, Mike watching our kid, who definitely still exists, which means I’m still a fuck up, so I’m tryna do right by someone, but then I had a chance to do right by you, the mother of my child, the one I want to marry, but let get away. Now, I have you again. Maybe as friends, maybe we’re back on our bullshit. How would that work out with her in the picture?”** He asked, and I shrugged again, really trying to think about it.

I didn’t think too hard about it, and had only heard Ammika’s name mentioned a few times. I knew he’d broke shit off with her late last year, sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I never knew the complexity of the relationship or the seriousness of it all, considering that I definitely had done my homework one day, and got some good intel. Shorty lived in Germany but was quick to book a flight to LA, and when he was overseas, that was his go to, but other than that, why would I care? Pulling real life into his alternate universe just made me grunt, especially when it replayed that he would still be a fuck up, even in an alternate universe. It just made me frown at him.

**“That’s some shit that happened when we weren’t around each other, so, I don’t know how that would change things. She’s an alphabet bitch no matter what, to be honest. And, I feel like Donald is in that category for you as much as anyone you can name is in the same for me. I wasn’t around for that and didn’t care enough to ask when it was brought to my attention before we got back together, so…”** I shrugged again, at least trying to placate his curiosity on the situations his mind continued to build.

**“Alternative or not, it ain’t really got shit to do with me either way. Even if this wasn’t just something you just drummed up all** **_Love and Hip Hop_ ** **style in your head, I ain’t even gon’ attempt to pretend that I would really care about who you had in your life when you stepped up to me either. If I wanted you bad enough, all I had to do was soup myself up to find you. I only approached you that one night, and all I had to do is wrap my hand around that wrist, and get to stroking. You came in several ways and didn’t give a fuck about who I was with, or who you were with. All I had to do was pull you away. Chris, don’t play with me.”** I was still turned on from earlier, and shook my head in an attempt to push this conversation to some other level. 

I did exactly as I said as we pulled up to a light, and I realized we were somewhere in Van Nuys. Chris laughed, and hummed softly at the sensation.

**“You already know I don’t want no smoke, Baby. I was just talkin’ shit, but I want you to think about it though.”** He insisted, and I shook my head and tried to eliminate the scrunchiness in my brow and face at the topic. 

I wasn’t tryna think about nobody else but Kacie and Christopher, and gave  _ no fucks  _ about whatever alphabet bitch he thought would compete with the way I made him feel.

**“I know you don’t. You already know I’m nice with the hands, and tryna set me off, asking me shit like that.”** He chuckled, and I sucked my teeth. 

**“You could’ve pulled me away in ‘08 too, if you wanna be honest about the shit. I was making enough money by then to cover your entire semester, books, and all that. You ain’t budge for me. You ain’t leave Michael like I wanted you to.”** He spoke softly, and I cut my eyes at him, while wondering what the hell made him go so far back into the past like that.

He easily flipped me on my ass with that one, because I knew the feeling of intense trepidation coating my insides was only a little bit of what he had to deal with earlier. He squeezed my thigh and I rolled my eyes softly.

**“I think the first time we found ourselves in a situation like that one was honestly the time in which you should have pulled me away, and lured me off so I’d really know you were still mine. We had shit to do then that I wasn't going to fully fuck up for you. I had school. You had to worry about your second album not flopping. I get it, baby. I do. You had Robyn and I had Mike, so we just… stopped trying to make it make sense, I guess. It paid off for both of us, right?”** I asked, feeling my stomach twist in knots with the uncomfortable reminder of how we seemed to constantly torment each other with our  _ others  _ in our late teens and early twenties.

**“It did until it didn’t. I was too deep into it to pull my head back up, and you were definitely down to take your place back if I wanted you to, but here we were, bullshitting on weekends and acting like once the weekend was over, we both weren’t counting down until the next weekend we could get. That got old fast and wasn’t fair to nobody. I couldn’t imagine how easy the same kind of shit would be for us later in life when we didn’t have each other again, but never asked why in the fuck we didn’t.”** He admitted, and I blew out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding until I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

**“But, shit, fast forward to good year and some change later, things were the way they were and when I needed to be by your side again, I was. I had no fucking business in Miami during finals weekend but there the fuck I was, tryna get you back for good.”** I told myself that I wasn’t going to go  _ there  _ with him, and it made me wince. He gripped my thigh again and moved my head to look at him as we stopped at another red light.

**“You tried to fight the shit too, and I hated you for it. You told me you needed me there, I came, and then you were telling me not even two days into it that you didn’t want to fuck me up too, and you had shit to get through, issues to work out, you just… weren’t good. And, that’s why I honestly never really blamed you for putting all of the fall out from those emotions into Karrueche’s dumbass over treating me like shit, ‘cause I’m pretty sure I would have stabbed you.”** I shrugged, and wiped away tears.

**“Don’t act like you don’t always come when you know I need you the most. I’ve always tried to do the same for you, but after Celeste… I had a lot I knew I needed to fix before I was ready for you again. And, Kacie, honestly, I didn’t want to rope you into the way the bullshit had dominated and changed me to somebody that everyone had already expected me to become anyway.”** Chris admitted softly, and I cut my eyes at him at the admission.

**“I didn’t give a fuck about how things were rocking with Karrueche, which you knew and had your time to help dismantle too, and I knew me and Robyn would never be able to really outlast our history as it was without everyone around us fucking things up for the two of us. I didn’t really want her to be anything other than the coping method she'd become, and I had no idea how to keep Robyn in my hands a second time. So, I let them fuck it up for me again and let both of them just go. You were spared like you spared me. I know you’ve yet to question me about my reasonings, but just know that’s one of them.”** Chris explained things that were just swirling around in my thoughts as I nodded softly.

**“Oh, I knew I was never going to come home when Karreuche was there, and you knew that too. It stopped being home for me then. You had to come to me and went back to her a whole new person until the time elapsed. That was** **_my method_ ** **of working out things without killing that bitch, and you know I got niggas that will without question, but I never cared that much about it to execute it. That's a conversation for another day.”** I shrugged, and the grip on my thigh loosened a little, which didn’t matter, cause there were already fingerprints there.

We were quiet, and my foot tapped against the floor with anxious intent as my anxiety started to ramp up. It took me a minute to calm down, and only did so when he gripped my hand instead of my thigh, and soothed me with just the feel of his hand in mine.

**“....And besides, you tend to do what you want to do anyway, regardless of the situation. She was a prime example of that, so you would have definitely done the same with Ammika. It’s like a revolving door for you. If not with me, it was with Robyn. We both had our chance to play a role in showing shawty that she thought she could hang, but you weren’t done with either of us. I honestly feel like y’all were both stupid as fuck to continue on knowing that if I crossed paths and wanted you and she was there, you were leaving with me regardless.”** I licked my drying lips before grabbing my abandoned Snapple Apple from the cup holder, and drinking the rest of the bottle as I folded my arms across my chest, and tilted my head back.

I wasn’t about to fuckin’ cry in the passenger seat, but I was going to get my point across. If he wanted to talk about some shit this deep, right here, right now, then I’d let him know how I felt about it.

**“You were so disrespectful to her for me. So, I don’t know what makes you think it was limited to just her. Do I need to remind you of how you acted back then too, or you already know what I’m about to bring up?”** I tilted my head, and he sucked his teeth, knowing what I was referencing to.

**“You know that a bitch has to be just that powerful in order to have you walk the fuck out of an entire section on the whole other side of a pool to come up behind me off. And, this is all being done off of the strength of my hair being down alone, way before I even locked eyes with you, before you even knew it was me for sure, you were right behind me. And, instead of having me come over to where you were, you stayed where I was.”**

God, he was in rare form at Tyga’s pool party back in ‘10, a little prior to the events that led to us getting back together for the epic ass second attempt. We had been entertaining the idea of us finally getting back together as my last semester of college loomed around the corner, but he had been bullshitting. While I thought I was building our bond to a new plateau, I had to fend off  _ that bitch  _ from interrupting my attempts. I was quietly on with Scott again at that point and time, but we had pushed that to off only  _ briefly,  _ unsure as to what to do with our feelings, and I wasn’t going to let that bother me. 

I would never forget that weekend either, ‘cause I had linked up with Mike after not seeing him for three months, and Scott had picked me up that Friday night from work too, so I had been gone the  _ entire  _ week from the house I shared with my roommates while I was capping the summer off in LA. Chris was blowing my fucking phone up, and I was constantly telling him I wasn’t gon’ fuck with him until he made her ass disappear. There was only so many times he could come in the house with the fuckin’ key he’d convinced me to give him, eat me out on the bed because I  _ wasn’t  _ fucking him if he was fucking her, lure me out of my room, get me outside, and we’d end up back in the spot he had with Barry, trying to make the shit make sense while this bitch’s personal effects stared me back in the face. 

At some point though I was done with that. I wasn’t gon’ keep doing that, and we were better than that, and I meant that when I told him that shit too. We ended up at the same pool party, still on our  _ i’m not fucking with her/him  _ bullshit, and everyone around us just rolled with it. Something that made me roll my eyes at his ass though was the unmitigated  _ gall  _ that he possessed to have when he got there. He still had her still following up behind him when he got to the party, claiming that they came in at the same time, and I wasn’t about to deal with his bullshit.

I had blocked his number  _ and  _ Barry’s, but he still left that party with me. He took me home, we argued, we really fucking argued - I got so pissed that day that I almost tried to fight him in my frustration, and we had to step away and really figure out how this was going to work. It did, after two days of us cooling off, and trying to talk about things. We were in Baja California like three hours after that, running away like we were good at, and promising each other that we would take this shit slow if we were really going to get back together. We agreed then that we wouldn’t do shit until I graduated, but we would get back to Kacestopher again.

**“This was before our child was even conceptualized as something we both wanted, so you already know what you were on and the energy I possessed. Exes or not, because we are shit with breaking up with each other anyway, but you gave me everything I wanted and left her with Seiko to babysit, several times. Ammika got a friend, right? All of these hoes got friends. Whose her friend?”** I questioned, tilting my head at him as I wanted on a response.

**“Michelle.”**

**“Michelle sounds like a fuckin’ babysitter name anyway, so what do you think she’d be doing once I was ready to come home, baby? Fuckin’ babysitting. Exploring Venice Beach, and downtown LA while I debated if I wanted to give into you tryna backrub massage you way into not pulling out. Stop fuckin’ playin’ with me, Baby.”** I scoffed, and waited on him to prove to me that I was lying.

He couldn’t, and it made me scoff again in the silence that hung in the air between us.

**“You fucked up in the head, but you ain’t lying.”**

**“So, don’t fucking play with me by posing such stupid questions. Irrelevancy is just that, irrelevancy, when it comes to you and me wanting each other enough to get exactly what we want. You being with someone versus me dealing with someone while I was technically single, are two totally different things.”** I explained to him as he tilted his head at me.

**“How so, Kacie?”** He asked, and I laughed. 

We might not have had too many people in between the two of us, but it was enough on and off moments between us for me to know how he really rocked with motherfuckers who weren’t me or Robyn, and he knew just he treated ‘em too.

**“With the ball being in your court, if you ain’t with me or you weren’t with Robyn, you were single any fucking way. Ain’t nobody else get no claim. Kantkeepaman was an odd rarity, but that was mostly manipulation. That definitely wasn’t what she wanted, and you already** **_know_ ** **I’ll beat your ass myself if you think you finna be on some trick shit with your girl all Summer ‘18.”** I watched him mouth the nickname I’d dropped on Karrueche, and he shook his head.

**“You’re my wife, not just my girl, and I’ll never treat you like that. You already know we’ve had our fucked up, toxic ass times, but those days are beyond us, and it was mainly me not knowing what the fuck I needed to do to be really happy with who I was as a person anyway. You just said it yourself, we ain’t never really been off even when we were, so you ain't gotta worry about me fuckin’ with nobody else. I put that on our kids.”** He threw his hand up to God, and I shrugged my shoulder lightly.

**“And, you actin’ like you were always close when we both needed each other and shit.”** He looked over at me, and I shook my head.

**“Keep it real, does it matter? You knew how to make your presence known when I needed you. You managed to never let me forget you were thinking about me even when you weren’t physically there. And, I know Mike gave you the address to my house in Atlanta, so you could have showed up instead of sending me flowers. We would have loved to have seen you, Baby. If not even for me, for Celeste.”** I said, and his jaw twitched a little.

**“Me and Celeste will be fine, Babe.”** He insisted, and I squeezed my eyes shut at the idea.

**“Don’t worry about us.”** He added, and I frowned.

Something about that made my stomach dip, and I shivered a little. My intuition was yelling at me to ask him to elaborate on what he meant, but I wasn’t trying to go down that road in this car. We had pulled up to a block that housed a bunch of businesses, so I felt like we’d be stopping soon, and I ain’t want to start off whatever his idea of a date was, still talking about things that made me ball my toes up in my shoes in discomfort with how I was reliving and processing the conversation.

**“Chris, I don’t like that.”** I admitted after letting the possibilities of his statement ping pong in my mind, and he turned towards me with his eyebrow up.

**“You don’t like what?”**

**“Just know I don’t like that tone.”** I narrowed my eyes at him, and sank back into the seat again as he leaned in to kiss my cheek.

**“I love how you’re getting annoyed and don’t even know what you’re annoyed at. I don’t want you to be annoyed right now though, love. Relax, Babe.”** He instructed softly as he rubbed my thigh. 

**“You’re the one who got this shit started.”** I reminded him, and shook my head as he smiled and sat back and looked at me.

**“I’m hip, but you still ain’t answer me. You just pulled yourself back into some other shit.”**

**“The bottom line of the whole situation is, if you had someone to lure you away from thinking about getting someone on your team who had your best interest at heart, you’re too caring to fuck them over. Ain’t no telling what I’d still be doing. But, I feel like you’d let her know what was up and she’d have to figure out what she wanted to do with the information given, and when that was situated, you’d come to me. That’s all you honestly had to do since the beginning when it came to us falling off for any reason, and someone else wanting to play house. It’s a fact that you had people who’d help you get at whichever one of us that you wanted. You had motherfuckers a call away, a beg away, one finesse away into gettin’ you into contact with me again anyway, and if you executed it, we’d be together.”** I sat up a little as he looked at me, and I pressed my lips together, trying to redirect my feelings at the moment.

**“I’m not tryna argue.”**

**“I’m not either, I’m just sayin’.”**

He had gotten me started though, and I couldn’t stop. I had all of the time I needed while watching episodes five through eight to mentally multi-task and pull up a whole new list of shit I wanted to talk about - this, not necessarily being one of them, but it was a segue into me, trying to figure out why his pop up skills hadn’t worked in his favor all of the times prior.

**“We’re not gonna talk about your poor execution efforts right now, but at least you cut that one loose before you could ever possibly begin trying to explain us and our impact to someone else who was gonna get their heart broken in the end anyway. I don’t have those same intentions. Like, I really don’t want any feelings being hurt. I’ve seen the shit in progress. It ain’t fair. I’d make you choose the other person if it felt like you were in a position to be ultimately undecided.”**

**“Mmm.”** He hummed, and focused on the traffic. When we hit another red light, he turned to me for a second, and ran his hand down my face.

**“Stop frowning. Remind me to never try to discuss hypotheticals with you when you’re hungry.”**

**“I fuckin’ hate hypotheticals anyway. They make me-”**

**“On edge, I know. But, it was worth questioning. It was a start towards the serious shit. But, we don’t have to keep talking about it. OOH SHIIIT,”** He turned the radio up as the piano intro for Prince’s  _ The Beautiful Ones  _ started, and it made me smile.

**“You gon’ sing it for me? Shit kinda relevant, I think.”** I questioned, not once noticing that we were pulling up at a place simply titled  _ Salsa & Beer. _

We stayed in the car until the song was over, and I had pinched the bridge of my nose as I noticed that this place was  _ hella packed,  _ but what I was smelling smelled good as hell, and my stomach grumbled. He had  _ plans  _ though, and the reminder made me smile as we were seated as quickly as we had stepped into the busy restaurant.

I was pulled into the decor immediately - there was a huge painted sun mural on the ceiling, and it was getting all of my attention as a few heads turned our way. He winked at me and pulled my seat out as he sat across from me, and I chuckled, wishing he’d snagged a booth, but the table was cool. We were anchoring another part of the large dining room, but our seating was a little more private, a little offset from the kitchen. Warm chips and two types of salsa were sat on the table as I smiled at him, and dug into my bag to pull out hand sanitizer.

**“I’ma tell you right now, don’t try and eat everything you see on the menu, ‘cause number one, you gon need your energy, and two, I have dessert for you at home.”** Chris insisted as I glanced at the menu, and then back up at him.

**“Did you just hit me with a ‘we got food at the house’ kinda situation?”** I laughed as he smiled, and shook his head.

**“No, shut up Baby. I’m just sayin’.  I told you, I got plans.”**

**“I almost forgot you’ve been plotting on me since you let me win earlier. I hope you know I want a rematch. And, we gon’ film it too, so you can’t cheat.”** I was talking shit right back as he chuckled and threw his hands up.

**“That’s not all we gon’ film.”** He insisted saucily, and I laughed.

**“Oh, that's what you're on?”**

**“I have real, honest to God plans for us tonight, Kacie. Not no last minute shit, not no bullshit, but I’m letting you know now that I do wanna film at least some parts of tonight, cause I’ma need it for later.”** He explained, and my lips were still pursed into a smirk as I looked at him, and shrugged my shoulders softly.

**“I believe in you, but you know like I know that the rematch gon’ keep me victorious, so ion’ even wanna hear it after I win again.”** I laughed softly at the thought of how it would all go down, and he shook his head at me.

**“Yeah, aiight, whatever…you’re laughin’ now, but the rematch ain’t gon’ be so funny. You ain’t gon’ win when I’m really serious.”** Chris insisted, and I cut my glance at him, unable to stop smiling. 

**“Boy, whatever. Ion’ wanna hear that shit.”** I laughed again, waving him off.

Resuming the action I know he missed me doing, I grabbed one of his hands and stroked it softly, and he smirked at me. He ordered for the both of us and I didn’t decline his decision, and shook my head softly.

**“You done got all quiet on me and shit.”** He spoke up, throwing me from the trance I found myself in as I stroked his wrist and it settled how much I just wanted him around me. 

My stomach twisted as I thought about him being away from me for even a second of our time together, and I knew I couldn’t just let him go. I had long made up my mind that it would never be my reality again. I was gon’ be buried next to this one, and God forbid the situation ever was to make us be apart again - I wouldn’t allow it. 

He used his free hand to slide his phone up, and I cut my eyes at him as the flash illuminated me for a second. Ain’t no telling what I looked like on the other side of the table, but I smiled as I shook from my thoughts and looked up at him. He blew a kiss at me as I rolled my eyes and shifted in my seat.

**“Whatchu plottin’ over there? Hmm? Ain’t ate not naan chip, and you’re hella focused, probably working your magic on me. You got my hand all caught up in your grasp and shit...”** He inquired as I continued stroking his hand, and shaking my head softly. 

I crossed my legs under the table and leaned into the table as I knew I had to get the fuckin’ thought into the open before it killed me.

**“Can I tell you what I want, and you make sure I get it?”**

**“What do you want, Baby? Hmm?”** Chris asked softly as I turned my lips up into a smile, and shook my head softly.

**“I want a son. Celeste was never meant to be an only child, and even with her already being a big sister by the cosmic twist of the fates, I want you to remember I asked for three kids out of you.”** I admitted as he hummed lowly, and bit down on his lip. My grip on his wrist got a little tighter as I ran my thumb across the joystick on his wrist, and smiled.

**“You know that’s a done deal. What else?”** He questioned, and I leaned back, really thinking about it. 

**“I wanna be comfortable when we go back to Virginia. I want a vacation house next to my Daddy.”** I shifted again when he switched the position of our hands for him to stroke the date on my wrist, and I licked my lips softly.

**“I don’t want you to leave me again.”** I admitted, and he nodded.

**“I can’t speak for how Donald fits into my life outside of work, but I can for Michael. I want him to continue to be the person he is to me and to Celeste, and I want y’all to really co-exist together. He’s her Daddy too, and I feel like that shouldn’t just be something we should give up on. He’s had six years to shape and mold her. I want him to continue to do it, and I want you to know that she has things she benefits from when it comes to him being around that it’s not your thing to do, but you’ll have a whole new world of things to put her on to, and he can’t. I want him to stay around and you give him your blessing like he’s done for you. Push the ego out of the window for me.”** I didn’t realize I was tearing up again until a tear fell on my dress, and I blinked a few times, trying to get them out.

**“I can give you that. It’ll take some time to readjust, but I can give you that, because I know it won’t work out if I can’t. I really meant what I was trying to express back in the car. I’ve had my time to fuck up and I did it royally. I just need a chance to prove to you, show you, that I won’t fuck up anymore. You’re giving me the space to do it though, and you know I appreciate that shit more than anything. Old us would have been fucking our our frustration and not talking about shit in the conference room back there, and I would have made a shit show out of that whole commentary situation too, but I didn’t. I’m really trying to do better than I used to, and I told you that too. Mike ain’t no issue. I owe him my fuckin’ life at this point for taking care of my wife** **_and_ ** **my daughter for me. I ain’t just gon cut him out. I’ve faced that reality already, baby. Don’t cry about it.”** He wiped my eye away with a napkin, and I blushed as I sank my face into my hands.

**“This is why I don’t wear makeup around your ass,”** I sniffled, and he smiled at me. 

**“You just love making my ass cry, huh?”**

**“I don’t, but you’re not called Cry Baby for nothing. Is that it? Is that all you want?”** He asked, and I smiled as I padded away at my eyes.

**“For now. You know when I want something else, I’ll let you know.”** I caught my breath as he winked at me, and leaned over the table to kiss me gently.

**“I just know you will.”**


	24. june, 2010 [1]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its a flashback. they keep me sane. i needed to get my head right. i think i'm good now. so, we're back. gonna drop these throughout. additional add coming probably tonight, so, check back. thank you for not giving up on me ;)

_ June, 2010 _

**“Ayo Kennedy, you seen my phone?”**

Jesus, help me get my shit together. Like, I’m begging at this point.

Ain’t no tellin’ where I’ve dropped or tossed my iPhone to, or my keys. All I know is, I had to piss, and Alex let me get out of the car to do just that. Admittedly, Barry could have honestly driven us here, but, I guess she's not really feeling that, so she did. It's fine. I'm still fucked up, yknow? It's been a minute...

She should be coming up now, knowing I’m not coming back down. I’ve been back home for what - shit, since I don’t have my phone, I honestly don’t have the best gauge of time right now, so I’ma say like twenty minutes. Within the last twenty minutes of me walking back into my apartment, the only thing I’ve done is pissed out all of the liquor I’ve drank within the last few hours. Like, I took an immediate, dart and slide to go pee, and debated back and forth on how much energy I’d need in order to pull myself into the shower.

My results were inconclusive. Maybe I’m just being too lazy to function, but who cares? I also don’t even have any plans for today, really. I’m just  _ here,  _ sitting on the floor, unable to even unlace my shoes that I should have  _ long  _ replaced with Nike Slides, ‘cause… my feet hurt. I shook my head. This is some pitiful shit right here man….

I should have known better than to go out with the two of them. Well, three. B and Alex were ripping up the streets and she was making music and I was just … y’know, there. Big sister chaperone until Chris popped up and neither of us came back until we were good and drunk and thoroughly fucked. I sniffed his tee as I pulled it away from my chest and grunted. This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. I’m mad, and I want to laugh about it now, but I’m still mad.

We were supposed to talk. How we got from talking to fucking makes sense, because that’s just how we are. It wasn’t supposed to be as swift as it was transition-wise though. I honestly thought there would be so much more conversation instead of just me, pressing my head into his shoulder and holding on to him like he was gonna disappear on me. He would still be in Virginia right now if I ain’t convince him to come. I debated about going home to VA myself, but I’d end up here for a while, and just threw it out there, not knowing he’d come. 

Mikey and Kevin popped up too, and it was brief, brief enough for them to leave back out without me even noticing, but the time we snatched together didn’t need a repeat. We went from hugging in the doorway to hugging in the kitchen, on the balcony, and in his bed until he slung my thigh up to wrap around him, and that was it. I almost kinda blacked out there for a minute. 

This relationship shit is super frustrating. I don’t know what to do a second time around! The first time was so fucking easy that you’d think we were just meant for each other… and I hate thinkin’ about it at night, just lying there, mind going wild, and he’s not next to me for me to even express myself to. I don’t know why we keep going back and forth, acting like this means nothing, when we both know that this means when we both know we need each other like air is vital to breathe. I couldn't even tell you how we got like this for real. We went back and forth so many times in the beginning of the thick of this whole Chrianna shit that I pushed him away. Will I ever forgive myself for it? Probably not, but I mean, he needed that. It worked until it didn’t. 

That's all I have to say about it.

It doesn’t stop me from laughing at how things have turned out though. We got together, it was great, it was amazing, I went off and fucked up my whole freshman year for him, we stuck  together, sophomore year put a whole stop to the shit, and I pushed him absolutely, totally the fuck away from me as I just sat back, watching the Chrianna shit unfold like everyone else did, but as soon as he called… I was there. No matter what I was doing. Nobody else could get me to stick and move like that and I still, often times don’t feel like I was even worth all of the moving and shaking, but this was more than a bond. This was love. His family was my family. We were a fuckin’ unit, and didn’t have to push it into anyone else’s faces as how it was, it was just  _ that.  _ I fought too hard for it not to be just that, an expectation, an immediate acceptance of Kacie and Christopher. This shit is fucked up, that we’re not… that anymore. 

He wants it back. I feel like he doesn’t know what he wants. I even pushed him to talk to Robyn, several times, even when we were all in Miami together, which didn’t make that situation any fucking better. I don’t know. I even tried to date others, and it always boiled back down to him being all I really would quit fuckin’ with them for. Because we know we’re it for each other. I don’t think I’d wanna fuck with someone who was the embodiment of someone else either. I wouldn’t wanna be the dude coming in, trying to be the new ‘other half’ when it ain’t never gonna be one of those situations either. Only person who’d probably even be good enough to even compete would be Bailey… 

But, I don’t want to keep fucking him over either, so I just  _ am.  _ I miss Chris though. I really do. I just don’t know if we’re ever going to be  _ us  _ again. All of those damned promises about how we were gonna make this shit work just kinda… went over my head, but I know he meant every word.

I think that’s what scares me the most, for real.

**“I found it,”** Kennedy announced, but I didn’t move. My face buried in my hands felt too good right now. I didn’t want to think about this drama between us anymore. Maybe I should sleep it off….

**“I got any missed texts?”** My eyes were still closed as I sat on the floor, but they slowly blinked the bathroom back into recognition as I heard feet approaching me.

I opened them fully then, watching Kennedy, one of my three roommates since starting at NYU, chuckle at me as she bent down, placing the iPhone back into my hand. 

**“Chris still trying it, huh?”** She asked, as I sucked my teeth. I turned my phone to face her so she could read the open text thread.

**“Let me give you a back massage? He forreal?”** She questioned as she slumped down on the side of the counter that was currently supporting me to sit upright. I rolled my eyes as I glanced down at it, and closed my eyes again, and tilted my head back.

He’s been in LA since his birthday, and once he found out where I was staying and we spent his birthday together, he wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer at all when he wanted to see me. I was well aware of that. I just didn’t feel like thinking about the shit too hard at the moment, so, I pressed my lips into a thin line, and sat the phone face down on the rug underneath me.

He’ll be okay if we don’t spend the next few hours together, I’m sure.

**“He’s deadass. I should say no. I ain't even come here for this.”** I explained as Kennedy shook her head. 

**“BUT YOU CAME THOUGH,”** Alex had made her way into the apartment, and I sucked my teeth. I inched up onto my knees and stood up, holding both sides of the sink.

I needed to retwist the top of my hair, I needed to take a shower, I needed to eat - I needed to do all of the shit that would put me into ‘worry about yourself’ mode, which was so necessary right now. I probably wasn’t going to be able to shut down like I wanted to, but I was going to try, even for a couple of hours.

**“I mean, yeah, but still, fuck he think this is? I came to LA for the summer to do what,”** I inquired, pausing as we all answered simultaneously with the right answer.

**“Work.”**

**“Right. Work, and finish this internship with VH1, and finish my summer off with the promise of a job. Why does Chris even think I came this way to kick shit back off with him? We settled on friends and that lasted** **_how long?”_ ** I raised my eyebrow, watching the two of them settle in the bathroom with me, and shake their heads.

**“Ain’t no such thing,”** Alex insisted.  **“Y’all are just… never going to settle for that.”**

**“I don’t even know why you’re trying to act like that’s all it’s gonna be, either. The summer just started forreal, and ain’t tomorrow the 6th anyway? We ain’t even gon’ fuckin’ see you, Kacie.”** Kennedy had a point.

I wasn’t thinking about that. But, if this year was anything like last year - I’m good. God, last year was a fuckin’ mess, and just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. And, I swear to GOD, you’ll never catch Kacie in Miami or being with Diddy in the same place for a long time to come,  _ ever again. _ I rolled my eyes at the thought as I stared at myself in the mirror, and pulled off my head scarf. 

He was going to want to spend the 6th together. He wasn’t going to let it pass us by knowing where I was, and how important he’d made the day out to be for us. Honestly though, I couldn’t front, I’d be in my feelings extremely heavy if he didn’t. So, either way, I was fucked, but, this back rub shit?

This was a set up.

**“If I let him give me a back rub, I'ma end up with a mouthful of feathers,”** I insisted as they both looked at each other, and then back at me.

**“Mouthful of fe--bitch, you're stupid.”**

I shook my head in soft disbelief, just  _ seeing  _ myself struggling to muffle my moans with the goose down filled pillows I had talked him into getting at his loft. I rolled my eyes again and stepped away from the sink as I tried to shake the thought from my mind.

**“I’m for real! I know this nigga like the back of my hand, and he won't pull out. He threatened me ever so nicely last time that he’s tryna juice up pon me,”** I explained, as they both laughed.

**“Why do y’all think this is funny, man? I’m finna call my sister,”** I huffed as I picked my phone back up from the floor, and ignored his text thread to call my older sister, L.

She picked up on the second ring.

**“What happened?”** She started in lieu of a greeting, and I sucked my teeth. 

**“Tell Alex and Kenny that I ain’t tryna have this boy’s baby before I graduate!”** I yelled into the phone as I sat it down, and she laughed in response. Why everyone thought this was funny was beyond me.

**“I'm finna hang up on you.”** She insisted, and I sucked my teeth. I could softly hear Tremaine’s voice in the background, and I rolled my eyes and lowered my voice, and changed my angle for just a second, whispering fiercely.

**“No, what the fuck, don't hang up! It’s… our anniversary is tomorrow, but like, what should I do?”**

**“I told her she should go.”** Kennedy spoke into the phone, and I scoffed at her.

**“Go. You know you want to anyway. Don’t fight it. You know how you’re meant to end up anyway, so why prolong it?”** She spoke the words I had been mulling over in my head for a while, and I sucked my teeth again. 

I got caught up with debating what to say in response as Kennedy nudged me knowingly, and Alex nodded. I sighed softly.

**“Fuck… okay. Fine. I’ll call you later.”**

**…**

I didn’t rush to get dressed. Alex and Kenny were still watching me move around the apartment, doing minimal shit to just pull myself out of the liquor induced haze I was in when I got here. I think my thoughts overtook that though, so i’m just trying to pull  _ me  _ back together before I decided to text him back. I took the  _ best  _ shower that I’d taken in a long time, got dressed, I retwisted the top of my head,  _ and  _ went to go get tacos.

I’m back in the house now, and I don’t know what else this Saturday has to hold for me, but I know I’m not really into going to stress over it. Even though Alex and Kenny have left me alone for the time being, I should probably call him, just so he doesn’t think I’m ignoring him.

But, I haven’t even thrown a bag together. I don’t think I have to, but, maybe. I know I still have a whole dresser’s worth of shit at his spot, but, do I wanna go over there with  _ more  _ shit? That’s how we ended up how we are now. I made him buy pillows for me two weeks ago. We’re one more important purchase away from me basically living with him, while I’m bullshitting.

I should not be nervous and faking the funk like I don’t want to see him, but to be honest, that’s not even our issue. We’ve tried to be  _ friends  _ and it was literally a thing that evaporated  _ hours  _ into agreeing upon it. I honestly don’t know if we even know how to be friends. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to extinguish the complicated swell of emotions we get just by being around each other. 

**@kaciekaciekacieeeee:** _ Is it even possible to be friends with the love of your life when y’all not together like that? _

I feel like I could spend my entire life with him if we could get our shit together.

I’m admittedly just afraid that his feelings ain’t as solid as they were when we first got together when it comes to relationships again. I don’t think that he loves me any less, but, y’know, after the way shit went down last year, there’s a difference. There’s a very huge, undeniable difference between then and now, and it’s still something we feel the aftermath of. It’s harder than it ever was before for us to just  _ be,  _ and people who didn’t give a fuck before care  _ way  _ too much now after the whole Robyn thing, which, I never think too hard about and don’t want to start now, really. 

It fucked shit up for not just him, not just her, but everybody, really. While she’s off doing whatever she’s being told to do and he’s just… trying to make shit make sense, I always promised that I’d be there, and I’m not gonna renege on that. LA us is different than NYC us, and  _ nothing  _ compares to VA us, and I want to honestly see if he’ll be cool with me just going back with him when he goes back, if I can arrange my schedule to do it, for a minute. 

I had so many reasons why not to give into that baity ass text he had sent, because I always ended up going though the fucking motions, and now I’m mad because I feel like I’m gonna cry about it on top of just sitting on my bed, spacing out, trying to make sense of it in the silent space I’m in for the moment.

If he wants me there, I’ll go. But getting there… that’s always been the hard part. It’s the main reason why we just post up and hide in exile like we’ve been doing, ‘cause it’s comfort we don’t have to really fight to embrace. Shit is hard for him and I feel like it’s gonna be hard like this for a while, despite me wanting him to pull himself up and make a come back, I know ain’t nobody ready for that yet.

I’ll be on board to help when he’s ready and he knows that, but it’s not the time to really put my all into it. That’s not what this summer’s about and he says he just wants to make some mixtapes and see what else he can squeeze out of  _ Graffiti,  _ but I know that’s a done deal. His mixtape is some dope shit though, and  _ Fan of A Fan _ has bangers. I know  _ Deuces  _ gon’ keep getting airplay, and if he does a video for  _ NO B.S  _ like he says, I’ll be with it. it’s keeping him busy, which is good.  _ Takers  _ drops at the end of the summer, and he’s supposed to perform this MJ performance at the BET Awards…

I should not still know his schedule like I do, but I do. It gives us this weekend for us though, so I guess it wouldn’t be too smart for me to get too comfortable while I’m here, knowing our little bubble will be popped. It’ll make sense to get Kacestopher time in before he goes back into superhero mode. Just thinking about his schedule makes me suck my teeth as I pick my phone up. I’ll give him the weekend, but that’s it man. 

He retweeted my tweet - I sucked my teeth. I don’t see this going over well. He already knows how I feel about the shit we've been pulling off, so why start shit? He’s definitely starting shit with that one. He’s texted me four times since, and I haven’t responded to any of them, but I know I need to.

Maybe I just need to release some tension. I pulled on one of his tank tops and a pair of running shorts and pulled my scarf over my hair a little better than I had it before deciding to finally text him back after three hours of nothing.

_ KC | You tryna get your knob slobbed, Bob? _

Just thinking about it has me squirming though. I haven’t had that particular kind of good dick in a while, but I don’t think I can be nice enough to not focus on that.

_ RIB  | :) lmao.. Bout time your ass woke up. hi baby _

I rolled my eyes gently and sat down, glaring into my iPhone. Ugh. This wasn't how I was trying to play this one.

_ KC | I wasn’t sleep. Just struggling to pull myself back together. Boy, you don’t know me lol. But.. are you? _

I glanced at my phone as the little text bubbles popped up, telling me that he was already typing a response to what I’d  _ just  _ sent.

_ RIB | Oh you're straight to the point today huh? Can't just give u a back rub in peace? _

_ KC | Pieces, maybe _

_ KC | And by pieces I mean pieces of clothing scattered everywhere bc you really gon give me dick  _

I held my breath. Bubbles popped up again. We could have just called each other.

_ RIB | You know how to tell me no. We've both realized that at this point. Up to u _

_ KC | We’ll see  _

_ …. _

**“So, what’d you say?”** Kennedy inquired, biting into a piece of mango. I shrugged a shoulder.

**“We’ll see.”** I responded, to which Alex resurfaced from the kitchen pantry, busting open a bag of hot fries, and raised her eyebrow.

**“We’ll see? Weren’t you just about to have a bathroom breakdown like three hours ago, when we all know you’re gonna leave?”** She asked, and I threw my head back, knowing I’d go too, but I wasn’t ready to leave  _ just yet. _

**“Girl, I’m not… worried about his ass right now. I’ll go, yeah, but I’m not rushing to get out of here. He will be okay. I just need him to understand that he can’t just… uproot me on command. Not anymore. Like,”** I fussed, and scowled for a second.

**“So, you're not going…”** My third and final roommate, my baby cousin, Miguela, craned her neck at me. I scrunched up my face at her and threw whatever was the closest to me, a phone charger, at her head.

**“Not right this moment, damn! Why, what are y’all tryna do? Fuck y’all tryna get me out of here so badly for?”** My eyes narrowed to little slits as I looked at the three of them, waiting to see what was up.

**“We got invited to this concert later, Omari got us wristbands. He said he had one for you too if you wanna roll, so we were gonna go get cute, so bitch, am I getting you dressed tonight or what?”** Kennedy explained as I shook my head.

Before I could answer her though, my phone was ringing.

**“Fuck.”** I pursed my lips again. 

We all heard the revving of an engine and looked at each other, and Kennedy and Miguela went over to the window, and pulled at the blinds.

**“Girl, no. Fuck no she ain’t coming wit us, cause he’s outside,”** She announced, and I clucked my tongue.

True enough, he was sitting out front, arms folded, leaning on his car. I cursed again as my stomach flip flopped and I shook my head knew it’d be best to go out there. I hit the stairs in a slow stride and walked down them and outside while barefoot, with my scarf off, clips still in my head, in a pair of too short shorts and his tank top, frowning.

**“I thought you'd call before you came. No popping over out of the blue, Christopher.”** I slapped at his face playfully as he bit down on his lip and subdued my hands behind my back. 

My back arched as he pulled me into his chest, and I cursed softly.

**“Let me come up,”** He requested, and chuckled into the top of my head. 

**“Fuck. Your hair smells good. You gon’ lemme?”**

**“No,”** I pulled back, and scowled again. He smelled good as fuck. I attempted to frown as he looked down at the shirt I had on, recognized it as his, and licked his lips at me. I stepped back, but he kept his hands on my back. I felt like I was on fucking fire. 

**“For…?”**

**“Baby, let me come up.”** He repeated again, and I bit down on my lip before sliding my hands up his arms and making him pull me in again.

**“Don’t you mean come in?”** I inquired, as his hands dropped ever so slowly down my back, and my hips twisted.

**“If that's what you want,”** He shot back, and I closed my eyes softly.

**“Kennedy and the girls are still upstairs…”** I started as he bent into me, and kissed my lips softly. I wanted to whine, but I didn’t, I held it in. I hated when he disarmed me like this.

**“Fuck, boy, okay, shit.”** We were the only ones who could hear this protest out of me, and he pulled back and chuckled, and leaned on the hood again. I twisted my thighs together as he pulled at the tank top, and made some comments about me wearing his shit, and I winked at him.

**“You gon’ sleep in my shirt tonight too, right?”**

**“If you ask me nicely and we don’t spend the whole time just sitting in the house, staring at the TV…. yes.”** I shot back, and he nodded.

**“We can get out. You gotta c’mon then,”** He clapped his hands as I glared at him, and back down at my shoeless, green toes, and back up at him.

**“I don’t even have on shoes! Can I at least go get some shoes, and take my clips out and tie my hair up first?”** I questioned, and he laughed gently and nodded.

**“C’mon, let’s go. Get on my back,”** He insisted, turning around and making me laugh at his request. 

**“Are you fuckin’ serious? I can walk.”**

**“No, c’mon, get up here, let’s go.”** He was serious as hell. 

**“Ohhh My God,”** I laughed as he pulled me into him, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. 

He pulled me up and slid his phone into his pocket before we climbed the stairs to my apartment again, and seconds later, opened the door to all three of my nosey ass roommates who chuckled at him. I started taking the clips out of the top of my head after sliding my scarf off, and heading back to my room.

**“Whussup y’all?”** He greeted them as I looked down at the bottom of my feet before disappearing on them and heading back to my room. 

The conversation was behind me as I looked around, spotted my flip flops, grabbed my charger, and stood in my bathroom door for a long ass time, knowing I didn’t need  _ anything  _ in here. I was good on going to CVS and stocking up his bathroom just for me, but I did grab my favorite robe and I smiled as I lingered around my dressers, and grabbed a couple of pairs of underwear and bras until I heard my door close behind me.

**“Why you grabbing shit from here? You know you got stuff at home,”** Chris questioned, too close to me. I couldn’t even turn around to look at him before he was touching what was in my hand, and looking back at me.

**“Nah wait, you ain’t got these there. Who you tryna put on sexy underwear for if we’re just friends?”** He inquired, and I hit him in his chest.

**“You want me to put ‘em back? I’ll grab my Spongebob joints then.”** I rolled my eyes as I dug back into the drawer, and pulled out the Spongebob boxers, and he chuckled.

**“Put that shit back down. You know I’m just fuckin’ with you,”** He insisted, picking up the pair of black underwear again. I sighed softly as he held them up, and licked his lips.

**“Whatchu gon’ do after I rip ‘em though? You gon’ lemme pick out what I’ma replace?”** He asked, and I shook my head. He went through the drawers anyway, pulling out a old T-shirt with his handwriting all over it, and a purple nightie that I  _ swore  _ that I had left back in Brooklyn.

**“Why you always wanna rip my shit up? You know how I am about my good shit.”** I asked, taking the clothing from him and putting it in my bag. 

He smirked as he continued busying himself on my dresser, flicking between pictures of us, me and my girls, my family, but he was fixated as fuck on a picture of us, and it made me look at what was was caught up in too, and I rolled my eyes softly.

**“You know no matter what, I’ma always take care of you, and your good shit. Even though you don’t want me to, I’ll buy you all of the good shit in the world if that’s what you want.”** He smiled, and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me away from the dresser and closer to the wall.

**“You know that, right?”**

**“Yeah, I know.”**

**“Don’t forget that, either. As happy as we looked right there, I’m trying to keep that same smile on your face.”** He insisted as he motioned back to the picture of us. 

It was almost four years ago, at Disneyworld back when we first got together, back when I was still tempting him to give me all of him, and he do the same for me, and I closed my eyes at the thought. We used to really be in love with each other, and while I know I still love him with a certain intensity that I can only give to someone else, to  _ him,  _ I don’t know if it’ll ever feel like it used to.

**“I don’t know if you can.”** I admitted, and he shook his head.

**“I will if you tell me what to do. Help me get started. I want your smile to look just like that.”** His voice had dropped to a serious whisper, and I shook my head. 

I knew what begging sounded like from him, and he ain’t even need to go there. I decided to give in though, and sat the bag down on the dresser, and pushed away from him, just a little. We looked at each other expectantly for a brief second as he tilted his head, and I blushed at his impatient ways, knowing he wasn’t going to give it up until we did. I wasn’t going to stop the fight to get back to where we were either, but I wasn’t going to rush the process.

**“Gimme a kiss.”** I braced myself as he wrapped his arm around me, and pulled me into him. 

I melted into his lips and wrapped my arms around his neck, and knew he wasn’t going to stop until I couldn’t breathe. We didn’t do simple pecks unless we were around family. When we weren’t, you’d have to pull us apart for real. That was never us and wouldn’t be us, and we both knew that. He had pulled me over to the edge of my bed, and pulled me up onto his lap as he sat down, and I cursed softly as I pulled back, and adjusted myself on his lap.

**“That can’t be it. You ain’t smiling, you’re smirking. What else, Baby?”** He asked, and I shrugged. 

He ran his hands up my back, pulling the tank top up with it until it was over my head. I kissed the corner of his mouth, skipped his lips, and kissed the other side as he brought his lip into his mouth, and I smiled at him. He shook his head as he winked at me, and ran his hands back down my back, and settled them on my ass.

**“I thought you wanted me to sleep in your shirt,”** I questioned as he pressed his forehead against mine, and kissed me again.  **“Or would you rather there be nothing?”**

**“Nothing.”**

**“Nothing?”**

**“Nothing, nothing at all. Get up.”** He tapped my ass, stopping the move of my hips. I tilted my head back as I stood up, and tugged at his shirt.

**“I came up here to grab shoes and stuff, and here you go…”** I complained for a brief second as he got his shirt over his head, and smiled at me.

**“This is just to hold you over.”** He insisted as he kicked off his shoes, and I exhaled softly.

**“Just enough to get me begging to pull it out on the ride home, huh?”** I stepped away from the bed, folding my arms across my chest. He laughed as he tugged at his belt, and nodded.

**“Gotta figure out some way to convince you to get back with me, but we both know this ain’t it. This is a given. This is a bonus. This--”** He stopped preaching once I dropped to my knees and shook my head at him.

**“Is mine, and you’re making me anxious as hell while I’m waiting, so, shut up and let me enjoy it before we go.”**


End file.
